[Closed] What do you like to say before, during or after a fart?

"It was the cat"

'A bit more choke and She'd have started!'

Or

'That works now try your lights!'

Kenny Senior - Member
'And if you listen......it sounds like a golf'

Actually, if you have a pus-filled inflamation in the rectum it sounds more like a Japanese motorcycle.

Everyone knows an abcess makes the fart go [i]Honda[/i]

And if you listen......it sounds like a golf

Genius.

I had a fair bit of Stinking Bishop last night. I'm amazed at the accuracy of my bottom in replicating the smell of that cheese this afternoon.

was that you?

That's better.

After: "Mr brown, you're through"

Or

/double clap

"Wipers"

(Think 'coming to America')

More tea vicar?

Name that tune.

More tea vicar?

No thanks, it makes me fart.

Wait for it..........

............Mmmmmm nice!

Oh ****, I've followed through

After: That was just a bugle call to say the wee khaki chaps are coming.

Fenton !

in case you were thinking of putting your head under the duvet - don't

Better out than in.

Banzai!

Mmmm vitamins

Oh god I have shit my pants

Etc

On a similar note, if there's a suspicion of an air biscuit and the question, "Have you farted?" is aired, I always reply with,

"No. Would you like me to?"

"Keep talking Sir! We'll find you!!"

Pardon me fa bein rude. It wazzant me. I was my food.

"Listen to the audience clapping their hands ..."

My six y-o has a game where, if you fart, you have to say "safety" before someone else says "doorknob". If they're quicker, they get to keep punching your arm until you touch a door knob or handle.

I'm so proud... 😀

'Aaaaaahhhhh'

"Carpet frog" as in I've stood on a carpet frog

Hold on.......fax coming through!

Or if I'm at the in laws, "cor those floorboards are creaky".
The amount of times the old man has had the carpet up shows I'm on to a winner!!

Fadda, my 3 best mates and I play the same game. We're 27. Each, not collectively.

Weve been teaching jnr to say "excuse me". During his (public) swimming class yesterday, he paused in the middle of the pool surrounded by an inordinate amount of bubbles and shouted "EXCOOOOOOSE ME" at the top of his voice.

I gazed at the ceiling as if denying he was my kid...

If it's someone at work I generally shout "eeuuurgh sp*nk".

"No. Would you like me to?"

let me guess, your other half doesn't find that amusing either? no sense of humour

I trained both ours to say 'Pardon my bottom'.

I think they might say it at school, but I'm not sure.

"Badger" without fail.

oh yeh, check that funk

My youngest son, 2.5, without fail points at me and declares 'That was YOU' whenever he farts.

I forgive him though because he calls his bawbag his 'hanging brain'.

'Say nowt love, they all think it was me'.

My youngest son, 2.5, without fail points at me and declares 'That was YOU' whenever he farts.

I get a theatrical stage whisper: "Waaaas that [i]your[/i] bottom?"
Followed by loud delighted cries of "Stinky daddy. Stinky daddy. Poo, poo, poo!"

Always goes down a treat in the queue at Tesco.

Amusingly she does this even when it was her. 😀

Call of the mockingbird

"Incoming!" Usually followed by clasping my hands over my head and crouching down - it seems to aid release.

oooh, that was a struggle.. am I pretty..?

thegreatape - Member
My youngest son, 2.5, without fail points at me and declares 'That was YOU' whenever he farts.

I forgive him though because he calls his bawbag his 'hanging brain'.

Made me and mrs nobeer lol, big style!.

Was that your front bum or the back one? 😈

I usually blame one of the kids...

"Release springs" that was the phrase used by the duty officer when we unloaded our weapons for checking the chamber after use in the army

My grandad used to shout "There's fog in the channel!"

If you do a silent one say "Do you smell popcorn (your food of choice)". Cue everyone taking in a big sniff 😆

Made me and mrs nobeer lol, big style!.

Can you smell burning?

'Leeds'

Always said after dropping the wolf bait.

No idea why though.

Have you farted..........No!........What, never?

Sand dunes.

It came about like this - I was mystefied when one day a few years ago I let out a satisfying rasper and my youngest said "Sand Dunes"
"What do you mean sand dunes?" I said.
"You know, like the song you had on in the car."
"What Groove Armada? I don't get it?"
"You know Dad, the song with the trumpet where the man says If you fart it's sand dunes and salty air!"

Can't fart in our house without saying "sand dunes" ever since (or hear Groove Armadas At the River and keep a straight face)

Donald Duck is alive and well!
If it is particularly ripe I will add that Donald Duck is stinking!
PJ.

"Listen to this, Too good to miss, dada, dada, dah DAH! ..... <parp>"

It's all in the timing but please be aware forcing the output can cause unintended consequences.

"Sorry, I've just coughed in my rompers"

I don't have one standard line but my (male) mate normally uses "just queefed" 😆

"have you just farted?"
"of course I have do you think I normaly smell like this?"

Oooooo may have to do the finger dip test...

My 5 year olds latest gag.
Knock knock
Whos there
Stan
Stan who
Stand well back I'm going to fart.

I think it may be Horrid Henry.

More tea vicar?

Savour the flavour! Which is what I said to my brothers when we were young. Enforsed smelling of each others toxic gasses was a large part of our childhood.

My little girl asks... where's that duck?

But the lad has just turned two and I might have to use some of the others above... Badger is a classic, long forgotten by me.

These are important considerations, I will think long and hard... I want him to get the best start in life now, don't I ?

Knock Knock
Who is there?
I dun up.
.....

Dude, pull my finger...

when we were kids my brother used to 'waft' the essence towards me with a hand whilst saying 'Smell the Beauty' - stuck around in the family forever and now I occasionlly say it to the Wife unless she trumps me and says 'No I will not smell the beauty' just after I've farted.

I like it that you used the word trumps on a farting thread but in it's other context.

If you fart in our house our 18 month old will try to pull down the back of your trousers to check that you haven't pooed youself and need a new nappy. All while saying poo repeatedly with the same internation as Vic and Bob summoning a dove from above.

Friend of a friend used to say "whoops, I'd better go check that one."

Grimly, he used to carry a spare pair of underpants with him for when the test results came back positive.

(Personally, I favour the motto of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation)

"that's right, get out and WALK!"

Taste
My
WASTE!

"Nurse? Fetch the wipes!"

"Damn, I thought I might get away with that"

My, the burping toads are out early this year (courtesy of MartynS)

Druidh and Fadda had me s****ing

An Australian friend of mine introduced me to a different species when I lived in Canada a few years ago.

The Rocky Mountain Barking Spider!!!

Tiny little buggers. Very hard to see, but have got very large mouths.

Unfortunately a couple must have climbed in my bag when I came back to the UK as we've now got what can only be called an infestation of Yorkshire Barking Spiders around my house now!!! Seem to multiply after the wife's cooked sprouts for some reason...

"Better an empty house, than a bad tenant"

Am loving the erudite nature of this thread. Needless to say, Mrs H-H is not impressed

i look behind me and say 'ive stood on a duck'
to which my 6yr old once replied 'that ducks got bad breath'
quite witty i thought.

Ninja farts FTW!

Better out and shame yourself
than
keep it in and lame yourself