[Closed] Teenage Stepdaughter help!

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Have you had a teenager before.?

Most of this sounds par for the course. The internet has only made teenage angst worse imo.

No other advice other than good luck and consider a Swiss finishing school until she is 26.

Am i over reacting?

Yes.

(Father to a now pleasant 24 year old daughter)

Chill and don't rise to provocation. Discussion can then take place when things have calmed down (this usually worked for us).

Alternatively find some hungry pigs for body disposal. 😉

Teenage stepdaughter? Laundry? What could possibly go wrong???

Online stuff is just how it is now for teenage children. We had no restrictions for our daughter and she's a perfectly respectable and grounded nearly 19 year old now.

As for washing pots and other house-hold chores, that doesn't improve! A weeks worth of pots and mugs from her bedroom still ends up sat on top of the kitchen worktop when she does finally bring them down rather than in the dishwasher directly underneath. 🙂

Life's too short to worry about laundry - they're soon gone from your house.

Teenagers are genetically programmed to be bellends. Varies on a continuous scale from moderately unreasonable to total ****, sound's like you're on the mild end of the range. Honestly just better to let stuff slide unless it is genuinely harmful, it'll pass eventually.

Sounds like relatively normal teenage stuff (as an ex-teenager, not a parent).

Threaten to treat her like an adult (1/3 the shopping, cooking, do her own laundry)?

No previous experience of teenagers ( does it show?) thanks for the reassurance!

Whatever else, checking your phone constantly during the night does no one any good and I can't seeing it ending well. Speaking as someone who was only getting 2 hours sleep a night for a long time - getting a reasonable night's sleep is the foundations of a functional life.

For me, stopping internet access at night would be non negotiable. To the point, where I would put a timer on the router and limit data access on her phone.

I'd agree with the general consensus here about it being normal behaviour, except the needing internet at night to that degree. I'm with Martin T on that bit - needs to be an agreement that no phone at night (could be Wifi goes off at a set time) and any reassurance needed in the night she needs to get from parents!

I’m with Martin T on that bit – needs to be an agreement that no phone at night (could be Wifi goes off at a set time)

Feel free to try, but as the father of 3 girls (2 x 19yo and 1 x 21yo) I would say that you're on a hiding to nothing if you try to impose something like this beyond the age of [about 12].
Girls lives revolve around data and attempting to take this away is only going to cause grief.

I hate to say it but sometimes the path of least resistance is (within reason) the best approach - try to find a middle ground that is acceptable to you both.
The older they get the less stroppy they become - although the data usage will never change.

For me, stopping internet access at night would be non negotiable. To the point, where I would put a timer on the router and limit data access on her phone.

Sure at 8 you can do that, but not now...That ship's sailed. And "non-negotiable" is not a thing that's ever been a success with any teenager.

I've got two teenage daughters and this sounds like standard stuff. Once the exploding mass of hormones recedes it gets a lot easier to the point where sometimes you no longer want to kill them as they're quite pleasant company 😉

Sure at 8 you can do that, but not now…That ship’s sailed. And “non-negotiable” is not a thing that’s ever been a success with any teenager.

Yip. If you want to start a war you can't win, then you could try that. I wouldn't, personally. Life's stressful enough

Good luck

We did that for my now 19 yr old daughter until she was 18 - she has her phone all the time now now, but there were no major worries about it - it's the 'she needs constant internet access in case she wakes up in middle of the night feeling scared/horrible thoughts and wants to self harm' bit that concerns me.

My 15 yr old son still has the 'no phone at night' rule in place.

Mind you, there's no right answer, what works for one won't for another - at the end of the day, trying to have open reasonable discussion about pros and cons with her is the holy grail!

Change the WiFi password every day. No access until chores are done. Wouldn’t bother with the night time restrictions to be honest as you’ll lose that battle.

When my much younger brother was being a dick to my mum the threat of formatting his PS4 hard drive was enough to make him become more reasonable.

Perhaps upgrade your partner to one that does not come with a horrible teenager?

Pretty much par for the course, but we have a teenage boy (18) and girl (14) and the rule has always been phones are charged overnight downstairs.

Fairly sure they have other devices in their rooms at night if they really want to, but the basic ground rule was set early, never changed, and causes no angst.

Eldest finishes A levels in 3 weeks and will then have a tough 2-3 months while we get him menu planning, cooking, washing and cleaning before he goes to uni and living independently.

Yes, we are bastards to our kids.

Whatever else, checking your phone constantly during the night does no one any good and I can’t seeing it ending well.

I fully agree, but communicating that to a 14-year-old stepdaughter in a way that doesn't cause a massive row, threats to self-harm, flouncing to grandparents etc is the tricky bit. As others have said, unless it's in place from a younger age, that ship has sailed. Trouble is, she has now learned what levers to pull to reverse unpopular decisions.

In short, you're not overreacting in the normal, rational, world, but you are overreacting in the world of teenagers.

The other issue is that, in the end, it is down to her mum to set boundaries and back them up, and not yours. Obviously, all families are different, but trying to impose your discipline on a step-child in situations where your partner would be more flexible/conciliatory will just offer your teenager the chance to play you off against each other, and possibly undermine your relationship.

Is my 15 year old daughter living in your house? Sounds just like her.

We do have screen time set on her phone though. On a school night her phone turns off most apps from 10.30pm - 7.30am. She still has access to Calm app, news and music but no social media. This, as default, caused big arguments when we introduced it but is now kind of accepted.

Bullying, abuse, intimidation and people making you feel like crap used to be restricted to school and social time. Now it is on the phone so will be the last thing kids see at night or the first thing you see in morning. Phones are addictive, especially Snap Chat and TikTok which is about instant short term gratification. My daughters are actually happier when they have access to this limited. They don't realise that, but we see it.

Doesn't stop her telling me I'm the worse Dad in the world though.

to the OP.
you are allowed to feel annoyed at stuff that causes you more work. Directing it at your teenager, even if they are to blame will not be fruitful.
You can vent to your partner, or mates, or anyone (on here even), as long as they're also clear that you are venting and there is no resentment toward teenage daughter. you can turn it into humour if that helps. We've a standing joke in our house about the mysteron rings of chocolate sprinkles that appear on worktops every morning. it is the tip of the iceberg, but we also want her to feel safe enough to be able to come to us when she really needs help.

Teenagers are all over the place and can quite quickly feel that they have no one to turn to, especially if they're 'constantly' (read: not constantly) being chastised for something. I don't think I'm alone in feeling that with a teenager, you're on a knife edge between them being OK, and them spiraling away down a rabbit hole of harm.

How about trying to reach a compromise whereby you will allow the constant internet access if she will help out around the house – create an atmosphere where you treat each other with more trust and respect.

Not my experience but my brother has just been through all this, it went badly for a while, but he changed tack (ie he stopped doing what you are doing right now) and things went a lot better.

First you need to stop judging and start empathising.

You are not her Dad, you will never feel the same way about her as her mum does, its just a fact. I'm not saying you will not be there for her, lay your life down even, but its not the same.

With that in mind, why do you need to discipline her at all, its Mum's issue, your job is to support her, end of.

She is currently winning and has beaten you at your own game.
So why not start doing activities she might be interested in, board games, console games, similar movies/netflix taste.

Self fulfilled prophecy
I am tired and stressed and i have to be online at 0300 to be able to overcome the tiredness and the stress and the volatility that accompanies being over tired and stressed
Spray all her going out clothes with fart spray
Hth

"Sure at 8 you can do that, but not now…That ship’s sailed. And “non-negotiable” is not a thing that’s ever been a success with any teenager."

My gut feeling is that in 10 years social media will be viewed like smoking in terms of the damage done to (mental) health. When you look at the statistics coming out with respect to self-harm, depression and suicide in teenagers... I am not prepared to admit defeat on the issue. Sorry to be preachy...

... and expect a post on here from me in a couple of years complaining that my teenagers despise me.

2 daughters (both now in their 20's)

Standard stuff as I remember, one had issues with food (not eating it) and climbing out her bedroom window when grounded. Other had soooo many issues difficult to list them all, self harm, wrong friends, no friends. I was reliably told on many occasions I worst the worst dad in the world (possibly true but I've not met them all). The arguments over wifi and phones - normal. Child-line was called for me abusing her (turning off wifi!) It did get a lot worse in monthly-cycles and they went from bad to evil overnight.

Both now grounded successful women who make me proud every day.

Don't envy you but it does get better.

My 17, nearly 18 y/o daughter is no issue, the 20 y/o son is a nightmare. Want's internet all night, but he's next to our room gaming.

Lost his job at the start of lockdown because he couldn't work from home - no self discipline and had only been in the job 6 months so they got rid, plus Iwas getting him up for work every day. Since then he's had a part time job delivering pizza. Same attitude, I want to stay up all night - we're all working from home/daughter at college.

Thing is he didn't help out in the house at all, bedroom is a sh1t tip, and we had to wake him up for pizza delivery. I fitted a smart wall socket that we control access to power for his gaming PC, so it goes off at midnight. It's not alright someone being up all night disturbing sleep. It's driven me over the edge trying to be reasonable.

I've told him to leave once, and before that I walked out with the intention of not coming back - TBH with the stresses of lockdown it's not done anyone good, and I'm awaiting a prescription for AD's - I can't cope with it all. He's farked his car up twice - fist time wouldn't listen to me when his car needed a small part in the suspension - ended up costing me hundreds as he wouldn't take it to a garage as he insisted on doing it (so I had to bail him out and buy new tyres (in November). He left it so long getting the car tracked, the fronts were dead in 6 months, so cost me again for a set of 4. Just started a new job, full time last week, he, for some reason, decides to re-programme the ECU.

He's 'bricked it' - and Skoda want £1,200 to fix. He's bought two new ECU's but they are all coded as are parts, so needs to get the bloody thing to a garage for re-flashing. He's now on the train for work, and can't keep his part time delivery going as has no car. My wife's just said 'don't even go there' about talking about it as I'll lose my rag.

I had to take the week off last week to get away, before I killed him.

All (mostly) good advice above. Nothing to add, except that it does get better. My daughter and I were incompatible for a year when she was 12/13 - too similar I suspect. My (incredibly wise) wife moderated and told me it would get better, and it did. She's a lovely 21 year old now, and we get along brilliantly.

My advice - marry a professional teenager wrangler (high school teacher), and let them handle it.

Social Media doesn't help.

Bloody nightmare are teenagers - I hope mine grow out of it, son hasn't had the 'lightbulb' moment yet.

My (incredibly wise) wife moderated and told me it would get better, and it did. She’s a lovely 21 year old now

21 year old wife? Back of the net!

Interesting responses. Not what I expected from the STW uberparenting posse.

Essentially let the kids do what they want as anything else is too much hassle..

It's kind of up to her Mum.
You stick to
- setting a good example in your own behaviour (model what you want the kids to grow up to be like)
- backing up her Mum ("I can see you're upset SD, but I do think your Mum has a point because X")
- be calm and civil and if in doubt bite your lip and say nothing!
- be aware that because she's your OH's ex's kid, it's pretty common to find her hard to tolerate - the natural "I see my younger self in you" feelings that help parents tolerate teenagers aren't there. Not your fault or hers, just how the cookie crumbled.

Oh and maybe work out how to put a timer on the router and convincingly claim you know nothing about it ? 😈

21 year old wife? Back of the net!

Jeez. How did I not see that coming 🙂

Grammar school education too 🙁

Proud keeper of a 15 year old Son here.

They're a nightmare.

They'll use any excuse to get their way.

Yes that makes it incredibly hard to know when they're telling the truth.

They'll push buttons for a reaction.

Causing a division between parents will usually end up with them getting their way.

Don't give them unlimited internet access, because they'll spend all night chatting shit with their friends or on Tik Tok, they'll tell you they can self-regulate, but they can't.

My gut feeling is that in 10 years social media will be viewed like smoking in terms of the damage done to (mental) health. When you look at the statistics coming out with respect to self-harm, depression and suicide in teenagers… I am not prepared to admit defeat on the issue. Sorry to be preachy…

That's not what the latest studies say:

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-56970368

Anyway, as the father of two daughters (21 and 17yrs old) I'd say that's pretty standard behaviour for a teenager. One minute it's all smiles, then next Satan himself has possessed them and you better watch out 🙂

So as long as she's doing well at school, and you don't see any real evidence of self-harm/drug use/anorexia etc., I wouldn't worry about it too much. Do tell her to empty the laundry/dishwasher/whatever, but don't expect it to happen every time. And if she misses breakfast because she's putting on her makeup, that's her problem when she's starving later...

let the kids do what they want as anything else is too much hassle..

I didn't know my Wife had a STW account.

martin_t

My gut feeling is that in 10 years social media will be viewed like smoking in terms of the damage done to (mental) health. When you look at the statistics coming out with respect to self-harm, depression and suicide in teenagers… I am not prepared to admit defeat on the issue. Sorry to be preachy…

… and expect a post on here from me in a couple of years complaining that my teenagers despise me.

I can't help thinking you are correct.

My daughters are actually happier when they have access to this limited. They don’t realise that, but we see it.

I get a bit of blissful happiness from time to time if I can prise him away riding but that's before the social media depravation kick in... then it's like a switch... "got to go home now..need to check my social media"

The biggest thing I take away from this thread is how many of us are the worlds worse dad ever !!!

and how lucky I have been with my 2 x daughters (although with 1 at 17, there is time for it to go all Peter Tongue yet ) 🙁

You are not her Dad, you will never feel the same way about her as her mum does, its just a fact.

This is not a fact!

My gut feeling is that in 10 years social media will be viewed like smoking in terms of the damage done to (mental) health.

Nah. I think it's quite easy to get hung up on the damaging aspects of social media and gloss over the many advantages. As the father of 2 teenage daughters I wouldn't have fancied the last 12 months of lockdowns without it. Can you imagine being deprived of your mates company and social life at that age? They've had a tough year and from what I see, most have coped unbelievably well and taken it in their stride.

I have my daughters added on Instagram (they don't do Facebook - thats for us old giffers) and what I see is the opposite of bullying. They're so incredibly supportive of each other within their 'friendship groups' that it's frankly nauseating. I know it's not always the case, but overall.

Let's not forget that it wasn't that long ago that kids were all going to end up as serial killers due to playing GTA.

My gut feeling is that in 10 years social media will be viewed like smoking in terms of the damage done to (mental) health.

I live in hope that this is the case - because I believe it is definitely true in part.

I am not prepared to admit defeat on the issue.

OK, well good luck with that. I hope it works out but I'll not hold my breath

(A friend of mine has two teenage stepdaughters who leave clothes, cups, plates, bags, ....everything all over the house. He used to tell them off for not tidying up and this would create an element of grief.
One day he worked out how long it took him to tidy up after them and decided it just wasn't worth the hassle to try and get them to do it - so he told them it was [honestly] fine to leave their mess around the house and he'd clear up after them.
From that point on they've become much better at tidying up after themselves!!! Teenagers!

--------------------------
On a side note, what's the point in switching the wifi off when they've got 3/4/5g - or do some people not allow that either?!!

That’s not what the latest studies say:

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-56970368
/blockquote>

That was one study and at the bottom of the article it points to others with different findings. From what I have read from a brief review of the literature, I would say that is a bit of an outlier but of course the jury is still out. One thing that is clear is that social media is very, very addictive and that can only open people up to exploitation in one form or another.

 

and how lucky I have been with my 2 x daughters (although with 1 at 17, there is time for it to go all Peter Tongue yet ) 🙁

🙂 at Peter Tongue. Sounds more like that boyfriend you try to warn off.

On a side note, what’s the point in switching the wifi off when they’ve got 3/4/5g – or do some people not allow that either?!!

If you have a locked-down and relatively modest data contract, then a few nights' heavy snapchatting and youtubing will eat up the month's allowance. So it's always quiet until about five days after the new month starts, then the whining starts...

When you say "teenager" do you mean 13 or 19?

I think it's cute that you all think that your efforts to control their access to stuff is effective. Such naivity, it's sweet really.

My gut feeling is that in 10 years social media will be viewed like smoking in terms of the damage done to (mental) health.

My gut feeling is that it's this generation's Demon Du Jour used to blame for everything and divert from taking any actual responsibility. When I was a teenager it was video games making people go on killing sprees; when I was younger it was television rotting children's brains; in my mum's day it was rock 'n' roll leading kids astray; it's not all that much earlier that we were burning books. In ten years it'll be "those bloody holo-projectors, kids do nowt else these days, when I were a lad it was different..." No, it wasn't. Teenagers have wanted to be rebellious since they were in black and white.

My gut feeling is that it’s this generation’s Demon Du Jour used to blame for everything and divert from taking any actual responsibility. When I was a teenager it was video games making people go on killing sprees; when I was younger it was television rotting children’s brains...

Yes, you may be right. Although, I do find it uplifting to see a group of teenagers, smoking in the park, listening to loud-shit music, with a pile of cans next to them. Makes me nostalgic for the good old days of teenage rebellion.

My hypothesis is that social media follows Newton's third law. Any post that makes you feel better makes someone else feel proportionally worse. The better it make you feel the collectively worse it make others feel.

If you have a locked-down and relatively modest data contract

Schoolboy error. Literally.

https://smarty.co.uk/sim-only

Reckon your average 'teenager' could muster £10 a month?

I do find it uplifting to see a group of teenagers, smoking in the park, listening to loud-shit music, with a pile of cans next to them. Makes me nostalgic for the good old days of teenage rebellion.

My eldest forgot that I've got her added on Instagram. When she was 16 she was telling me she didn't drink, so I showed her the pictures she'd posted up the weekend before, in the park with her mates, can of Strongbow in hand. We all did it, and it will always be thus. As it should be.

My hypothesis is that social media follows Newton’s third law. Any post that makes you feel better makes someone else feel proportionally worse. The better it make you fell the collectively worse it make others feel.

Sorry fella, but thats just nonsense.

I haven't read through the whole thread but I suspect my advice is that people in the same situation have said what I'm about to say.
I was in pretty much exactly the same situation. My step-daughter was rude and horrible to her mother, she tended to just ignore me. When she lived with her Mum in a rental I let it slide as I wasn't going to tell her what to do in a house that wasn't my home, once we bought a house and were living together I felt I could talk to her properly. She had a total strop when her mother refused to drive her 100 yards to school when it was raining as she was busy, slamming of doors and "You're such a bitch comments". I made it very plain firmly but calmly that she really shouldn't treat her Mum like that, we'd cut her a lot of slack and it was not her Mum's fault that she was in this situation. She replied with a "Yeah Whatever" reaction, but it was a turning point in our relationship. It helped that we had an outbuilding that had a small sitting room, bedroom and bathroom, which we now Air BnB.
My step-daughter is now 27, has spent a lot of time with us due to lockdown, and while she still has a few issues, mostly due to her father poisoning her relationship with men, is a real help and generally a good person to have around. I hope you get a similar result, In think the key is to be consistent, have lots of patience and tolerance, negotiate trade-offs between what she’s allowed to do and her behaviour, and not to let this put a wedge between you and her mother.
Good Luck!

Sorry, but thats just nonsense.

I'm yet to see a post that (entirely) refutes it.

Still 'controlling' my 13 yrs old daughter's access to internet after 9 PM while I can.  At least that is what I believe 🤔. They are all different, mine won't go to bed without company.

Good luck, be patient and do your best to keep calm. That what OH keeps telling me.

You could try the 'I will get you a kitten if...." bribe but don't fall for it as they renege on the deal after a couple of months. At least you have something that will pay you some interest though.

Hope it gets easier.

My hypothesis on social media is that it follows Newton’s third law. Any post that makes you feel better makes someone else feel proportionally worse. The better it make you fell the collectively worse it make others feel.

There may well be truth in this, but I know grown-ass adults who are the same and who wouldn't know social media if it bit them on the face(book). Is this not an opportunity for a learning exercise? Kids are shits to each other by default, it'd be useful to be able to teach them that it's not the only way to behave before they end up in middle management.

An ex of mine had a group of friends whom I nicknamed The Coven. There was, I dunno, half a dozen maybe? At any given time one of them would be ostracized for some faux pas such as disagreeing with whoever thought they were nominally in charge that day or failing to attend some social gathering or something. The others would all get together and spend the evening ranting about what a bitch the first one was. Then next month all would be forgiven, the first would be back in the group and someone else snubbed, and they'd take great delight in telling the returnee all the nasty things the other one had said about her. They eventually pulled the same stunt with my then-partner and she basically went "good" and sacked the lot of them off for good. Bear in mind, these weren't teenagers, they were all women in like their 30s.

I’m yet to see a post that (entirely) refutes it.

By that argument: I’m yet to see a post that (entirely) proves it.

Reckon your average ‘teenager’ could muster £10 a month?

Probably. My 14-year-olds didn't have the means to make online purchases though. Guess there's nothing stopping them walking into a shop and buying a PAYG with cash.

Anyhow, if they weren't moaning about the lack of wifi/data, I'd twig that something was up. In fact, any lack of moaning is a red flag!

Two teenage daughters. Well, ones just 20 now. Gave up trying to control phone usage, unless as removal as a last resort. Got to start that level of control very early, like 8.
If you let bad behaviour ride, that’s where nightmare kids come from. Your job is to say no, to fags, drink, drugs etc. and insist on homework being done and reasonable level of civility maintained. You’re not their mate, you’re often the only person offering an alternative to the you can have and do whatever you want culture hyper-capitalism has created.
We don’t understand phone culture in the same way our parents didn’t understand video games and their parent didn’t understand tv.
I imagine there’s a very different dynamic with step parents - good luck and don’t give up on them!

in my limited experience of having a 15 year old step daughter, it all sounds par for the course. i often think if she could only use her powers of emotional manipulation for good rather than evil, she'll go far!

as others have said, not necessarily your place to intervene. i'm fortunate in that on the whole we have a good relationship with each other and mainly take the piss out of each other in a good natured way, meaning she will often respond better to me asking her to do something rather than her mum (which is instantly seen as "getting at her all the time"). the only time i do intervene is when it's going thermo nuclear and the house rule of treating each other with respect have been crossed far beyond teenage tantrum. thankfully that happens rarely, but seems to work probably due to it's infrequency.

i can't imagine the pressures teenage girls have on them these days through social media and the requirement for perfect "image" all the time. not sure i could of dealt with that as a teenager, so i try and not let myself get wound up about it (often doesn't work mind!)

oh, don't try the turning off internet thing - it doesn't end well for anyone

Probably. My 14-year-olds didn’t have the means to make online purchases though.

The Smarty SIM is pre-pay, you top it up in shops.

Sounds normal teenager behaviour, as others have noted. The quality of the relationship is not measured by what they don't do (neither of ours were particularly helpful, and five years and uni later, the eldest still isn't). The quality is measured in what they DO confide in you when teenage life takes the often downward slope (especially over the past year). Internet access is small beer in this. We had charging phones downstairs, but now they are adults. They get treated as such. Do that and let her go downstairs to view if she wakes up. She won't. The growing takes care of that 😉

Cougar

My gut feeling is that it’s this generation’s Demon Du Jour used to blame for everything and divert from taking any actual responsibility. When I was a teenager it was video games making people go on killing sprees; when I was younger it was television rotting children’s brains; in my mum’s day it was rock ‘n’ roll leading kids astray; it’s not all that much earlier that we were burning books. In ten years it’ll be “those bloody holo-projectors, kids do nowt else these days, when I were a lad it was different…” No, it wasn’t. Teenagers have wanted to be rebellious since they were in black and white.

You MIGHT be correct but if not then what?

T'internet is all that stuff rolled into one (and the next stage) packaged in the most addictive way teams of psychologists can find, especially around kids games.

In some way's (as a mental exercise) just think what would be the effect of lowering the age for drink/tobacco to 11 or in another think of the chinese blockade when they didn't want us to sell our opium and instead putting alcohol/tobacco/opium and "daily login vouchers" at the checkouts of supermarkets?

The issue many of us parents have is the behaviour around this (lying, deceit etc) . The effect of depravation of "internet" .. lack of will to do anything else or anything takes them away from the internet (and meeting real people).

I see and work in houses with teenagers and mostly theyre clever intelligent and polite and sometimes freindly and chatty and most have techno skills i can only dream of.

But life is harder for them, than we had, they like socialising by phone or internet, love youtube and gaming, when we where kids we had 2 tv channels and a phone in the hall, and possibly a bike for transport.

From an early age they where programed to go to school and then work or uni/college,and a lot of that has been taken away from them also meeting freinds and groups, so what to do, listen to them chat to them ask them qustions about stuff you dont understand, discuss your work and work oportunities with them, but the most important thing is to listen and explain how you feel.

Then all of a sudden they will discover sex, and either get a girl pregnant, or become gay,and form relationships,and things return back to a near less stressful normal.

The issue many of us parents have is the behaviour around this (lying, deceit etc) .

When mine were younger (about 9/10 something like that)  the rule my partner and I set was: You can have access to the whole internet, but there will devices downstairs in the living room only, and at any point if I or partner asks, they MUST hand over phone straight away, no clearing cookies, or clicking anything, just hand it over. When we realised they could be trusted with more, they got more leniency, more privacy and more autonomy, any rules broken, back to the start again...They soon learned. Plus; lying to your parents is a life-skill every teenager should know...

 lack of will to do anything else or anything takes them away from the internet

Teenagers don't want to do anything anyway, and doing anything with your parents is by default; lame. T'was ever so, even before the invention of the T'internet. There's a letter to the Times from a chap in "17something or other" declaiming the fact that everyone in his house is reading periodicals and the new invention of novels, and that his daughters don't play at their music, or study the bible for lack of time due to reading...He complains that even his servants can be found "slothly spending hours at leisure, idly reading..."

I was told by my wife early on in our relationship that disciplining my step daughter was not my responsibility, having been through the mill with my oldest son I was glad of the get out clause. She's 20 next month and mostly helps around the house now but only when asked nicely.

It depends on the age of the teenager. Our 17 year old just gets unfettered access to the internet. Even has the password to the router as he's all techy and hosted a website on his PC. He's pretty easy going and does chores around the house with only a medium amount of moaning. As I see it he's basically an adult so no point in me telling him what he can and can't do.

The 12 (nearly 13) year old can only use phone laptop etc downstairs. He did sneak his phone up to his bedroom the other night. Which resulted in a confiscation of the phone for 24 hours. Was funny watching him quickly try and clear recently used apps, oh so subtle 🤣

Edit: Meant to say in my experience of us having 3 x boys and others in the family having girls, boys do seem to be easier to manage than girls. Boys I've found pretty simple and just want food, and unfettered access to the internet. Girls seem to be a lot more emotional, on the face of thins at lease. I'm saying this as a bloke and appreciate everyone has different experiences.

Let’s not forget that it wasn’t that long ago that kids were all going to end up as serial killers due to playing GTA.

It was pinball in the 1960's.

Arcade games in the 1980's.

You MIGHT be correct but if not then what?

I've no idea. It's one of the very many reasons I didn't reproduce, I don't want the responsibility. People like to find simple answers to complex problems (cf. religion) and it's generally Not That Simple.

I don't know your kids from a cheese sandwich and they'll be different, mature at different rates.
But solely for the sake of arguing on the Internet I'd perhaps say "prove it". I don't think it's helpful to go "what if..." and then start making shit up. I was "on that damn computer all day" to hear my grandparents talk; guess what, I subsequently made a 30-year career out of it. I'd guess that any addictive behaviour could be problematic when it becomes to the exclusion of all else, whether that's t'internet or video games or drugs or playing football. (I wrote about this elsewhere, I'll dig it up for a follow-up post.)

In some way’s (as a mental exercise) just think what would be the effect of lowering the age for drink/tobacco to 11 or in another think of the chinese blockade when they didn’t want us to sell our opium and instead putting alcohol/tobacco/opium and “daily login vouchers” at the checkouts of supermarkets?

This is just whataboutery. We know that drink and tobacco is actively harmful. I've yet to hear of anyone dying after playing too much Angry Birds. Again, "prove it".

The issue many of us parents have is the behaviour around this (lying, deceit etc) . The effect of depravation of “internet” ..

If you didn't deprive them then they wouldn't have anything to lie about.

lack of will to do anything else or anything takes them away from the internet (and meeting real people).

You do know that "the internet" is actually real people, right? It's not an AI simulation, I'm not a chatbot (arguebot, maybe). Christ, we were whining about social media only half a page ago, that's literally people talking to each other. Is this what it's come to? There's only two things your kids aren't allowed to do: 1) talk to their friends and 2) not talk to their friends?

The medium isn't the problem here. If I had a teenage daughter I think I'd much rather she was seeing willies on Snapchat than in the girls' toilets.

Oh, and,

This chat forum? Social media. You're welcome, hypocrites. (-:

The medium isn’t the problem here. If I had a teenage daughter I think I’d much rather she was seeing willies on Snapchat than in the girls’ toilets.

I think that would very much depend on whose willy was in each setting.

Teenage daughters are bell ends, by any reasonable yard stick, at some point. Currently my youngest (16) hates me , I would really rather she went and joined a circus, preferably one with under fed lions, but her sister was broadly similar at that age and is now 19 and a really rather super human being.

It's a phase thing and we all get to feel we're rubbish dads. Because paternal guilt is just another trick in the arsenal of the evil teenager.

Now, does anyone have any hungry lions I could borrow please?

Its weird isn't it? The whole three stage thing

1. Lovely person
2. The devil incarnate
3. Back to being nice again

The transfer between stages 1 and 2 is like watching Gremlins. Thankfully the interface between stages 2 to 3 seems to happen just as rapidly. My eldest is great nowadays but there were times when she could easily have ended up under the patio

This is what I wrote last time.

singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/digital-addiction/page/2/#post-8064699

This is what I wrote last time.

singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/digital-addiction/page/2/#post-8064699

Nice post and resonates with my own experience of early computers and Lego.

Genuine question. Do you know how teenagers, particularly girls, engage with social media? From what my daughters have shown me, I am struggling to find any positives (besides from using WhatsApp to arrange things). Seems to be an awful lot of selfies and self obsession generally. Am I missing something?

Edit: God - I sound like and old fart!

Yep, just normal teenage stuff. I would seriously doubt that it has anything to do with her being a step-child (I speak as a step-child. I had horrendous rows with my dad, but that never crossed my mind).

Our 14 yr doesn't have her phone in her room after 9.30pm. 17 yr old son has never been allowed PC in his bedroom - he has to play games in the 'home office'. 11 yr old daughter has only just got a phone and all internet access goes off at 8.30. We sat down with them and discussed what they thought was reasonable - did they need 2, 3, 4 hours of access etc. They were genuinely surprised how many hours a week they used. Phones will tell you how many hours for different kinds of app etc. Each can be time limited. I know some will think it sounds Victorian, but tell me what good comes from it, as against the potential harm?
It's a constant low level battle and I recognise that all kids are different (I'm a teacher), but all kids need boundaries to push - so the bar may as well be set fairly high. OP - different if she's not your daughter I guess and mainly up to Mum. Worth having some conversations about why she thinks she may turn to self harm? I agree with you, she being manipulative, but then teenage years are when those skills are honed.

Child-line was called for me abusing her (turning off wifi!)

You'd like to think they grow out of this but they had adults dialing 999 when KFC ran out of chicken a couple of years back.

Nice post and resonates with my own experience of early computers and Lego.

Genuine question. Do you know how teenagers, particularly girls, engage with social media?

Thank you.

Girls, no idea. There's a 20-something lass in this house and her Internet usage mostly seems to be Amazon and Just Eat. When I had late-teens apprentices in work the vast majority of Internet activity I observed was YouTube. Music videos, "influencers" (gag me with a spoon), how-to videos. If you want to level any criticism at the Gen-Zs with regards to technology I'd suggest they've developed a disinterest in Reading Things. Ie, they are the "don't tell me, show me" generation.

I've had two batches of apprenti and none of them appeared to give the slightest crap about social media beyond reposting 'hilarious' memes. Maybe it's more of a early- to mid-teens concern?

tell me what good comes from it, as against the potential harm?

Once again, two can play at the "assumed baseline" game: Tell me what harm comes from it, as against the potential good?

Because if you can't then we're into the realms of fear of the unknown and making things up again. Why don't we try and find out, hey?

Man asks strangers on the internet if stepdaughter is over exaggerating dependency on the internet.

I acquired a step son when he was 16 (now 27) and have a daughter, 14 very soon, who lives with her mum.

Just watch Harry Enfield and Kathy Burke doing Kevin and Perry. It's a universal thing.

A trick i use is to state the effect things have on me, rather than whats best for them. Its a lot harder for them to argue against. If they want something they have to totally own it rather than expect others to sort if for them. Thats the main rule.

Being “always connected”, including through the night, is something to avoid. If you’re responsible for kids, you should try and help them to do so. How you do that, only you know, as you know them.

We went for all devices downstairs at bed time. That’s our one rule. We’ve never given them a strict bedtime, or stopped them sleeping in at weekends, just emphasised the importance of sleep, especially for teenage brains, and left them to set their own sleep schedule. But with no devices in the bedroom once it’s sleep time.

Sounds like you’re getting it easy tbh. We brought up 3 daughters now all mid to late 20’s. 14-18ish was like Armageddon!!

I found backing off and letting them make the mistakes you knew they would was the only way.

I now have 3 very loving daughters that can talk to me about anything.

it becomes an issue when shes challenged or asked to do things round the house. She then claims we’re getting at her and she doesn’t want to come home

Sounds like a teenager being a teenager

result is a back-down from mum

Sounds like a spoiled brat getting her own way.

That is learned behavior though, kick up enough fuss and get what you want only works if you get results.

Very difficult for you though if her mum just backs down, daughter will just keep doing what she wants.