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First time posting on here in a long while. Wasn’t really sure where else to vent, but this situation is frrkin shyte and I need to rant for a bit (can’t remember if there’s a swear filter on here or not)
My dad messages me over the weekend to say he feels like he’s got a cough coming on. By Sunday it’s a really bad cough and a fever - doc prescribes antibiotics.
By Tuesday night he has such difficulty breathing that he’s called an ambulance - paramedics say it’s possibly Covid, but his symptoms are mild (apparently, though they didn’t look that mild to me when I was able to get him on FaceTime) and advise him to stay home to give the antibiotics more time - Call again if it gets worse.
By the middle of the night Wed into Thurs it got so bad he called an ambulance again, which took him to hospital.
They put him on Cpap, but the damage done to his lungs is so bad that they move him to critical care and increase the amount of oxygen he’s getting.
Update from my cousin who lives local to him (I am on the other side of the planet with an 8hr time difference) at 5am this morning to say no change since yesterday. Then another one at 6:30 to say it’s all gone downhill and that I should call the ward.
So I do, and I speak to the consultant overseeing his care - apparently the amount of oxygen required was significant enough that they want to put him on a ventilator before it gets any worse. My dad has already agreed to this and he’s been under for half an hour by the time I got the message and called the hospital.
The dr explains that they’re intervening early to try and prevent further deterioration to the point where do be dependent upon it. He says that while my dad is stable for the time being, he is very sick as his lungs have taken an absolute kicking (though I’m sure he phrased it more professionally than that) and that it’s a dangerous situation, as people on ventilators are more likely to die than those who are not, under these conditions.
That all makes sense and I trust the Dr’s judgement, but I’m really not sure what to do with that information. I have no idea how to digest it and I’m a god-damn wreck.
I’m trying my hardest to be pragmatic about this. He’s 72 but is in pretty good shape - physically and mentally strong. I’d have thought that, coming into this, he’s in about as strong a position as it’s possible for a 72yo to be in, but over the last week this has just laid him out and his body must be absolutely worn down. I am really worried for him.
But then I’m not - for good chunks of the day today I’ve just been getting on with stuff and not even thought about it. When I realise I’m doing that I feel guilty for not worrying (and I know that’s not helpful)
I’m also feeling crap that I’m not there for him - as I mentioned, he’s in the UK and I’m on the far side of Canada. Even though the hospital aren’t allowing visitors (understandably) and international travel is a no-go right now (again, understandably) I still can’t help feeling quite alone out here, and worse that he’s alone over there.
What’s really getting to me is that, if this is to be it, I won’t have had the chance to say goodbye; to tell him I love him and thank him for being a brilliant dad, and grandad to my son. That hurts. That really bloody hurts.
I know he’s got as good a chance at beating this as anyone else so I’m trying hard to keep my spirits up and stay optimistic, but with day after day of updates telling me “things have gotten a bit worse” I’m finding it really hard.
It’s also the injustice of it I’m finding hard to deal with. As I said, he looks after himself - very fit and healthy, never smoked a day in his life. I find it hard to accept that he’s been hit so hard like this.
A few years ago he moved in with my grandma to look after her in her final years. She passed away on April 1st and because of this illness my dad wasn’t able to go to the funeral. Not only did he not get the chance to lay her to rest, there’s also a chance that we won’t get to say goodbye to him. It’s just crap.
When we knew Grandma was on her last legs he told me that, once she passed, he was going to to take 4-6 months off and just enjoy life for a bit - had even talked about coming back out to Canada and spending a month or two plodding around in an RV. I feel like that time he’s been waiting for has been snatched from him, and that’s so damned unfair.
I know “life’s not fair” and all that, but it’s a difficult pill to swallow in these circumstances. Anyway...
My wife’s been bloody awesome the past couple of days - super supportive and comforting. My little boy’s been an absolute star too - he doesn’t understand what’s going on really (which is probably for the best) but just knows that grandad’s sick and dad’s very worried/upset.
I’m not really sure what the point of writing this is, but the only people I’ve spoken to so far are my mum and my wife, and I just feel I need to have a bit of a rant/ramble into the aether.
TL;DR - Life’s a bitch. Covid is too. Tell your loved ones that you love them, now.
And wash your damn hands.
I'm sorry you're in a such an awful situation.
You should do that road trip with your dad.
Sorry, it's an understatement to say that's a shit situation.
Don't beat yourself up about just getting on with your day and not thinking about him. People cope with grief and stress in different ways. I know that the normal routine of things and keeping busy really helped me cope in similar situations.
Feel free to vent, it's one of the great things about this forum.
I hope everything works out for your dad.
Life isn’t fair, sounds trite but it is the truth.
Sending you big hug, it’s all I have got, fingers crossed for your dad.
Really sorry to hear this and want you to keep hoping. Many people do make it out of ITU from this. You will feel very angry right now and it's understandable. Keep us updated as to his progress. My dad is isolating with chronic respiratory problems who probably wouldn't have a good chance if he caught it. I really feel for you right now.
Hi, if PMs are working again I'll drop you a line later as we have been through the covid/ICU experience and I would prefer to use a keyboard and not put in main forum.
I really feel for you. Parents in another country too. Fingers crossed for your dad.
Really sorry to hear this OP and hope that your dad pulls through so he can do the road trip as planned. Please keep the thread updated. Wish there was more I could say.
It is an awful and serious situation. But rest assured from what you have written, your dad already knows you love him. I hope he makes a recovery.
The brain is very good at partitioning bad things so you don’t think about them every minute. In a similar situation, I took my nephews for a bike ride and picnic one morning, before I drove over to hold my mother’s hand for the last time. When I was with the kids, I didn’t think of her once.
Hugs man,
I was in a similar position a couple of weeks - my Dad at 75 ended up with Covid and in hospital on Oxygen...I felt the same, full of dread, not being able to contact him, thinking the unthinkable, and basically just a horrible numb feeling. A lot of past memories flooding back, listening to my Mum over the phone in tears several times a day. It was a horrible time.
He made it out and is getting back his strength - now pottering about in the garden, over doing it like usual, but getting back to his usual self.
Keep faith!
Huge hugs.
Even if you were over here, you couldn't be with him.
Yes life is incredibly unfair. My father died aged 66 only having one year of retirement.
You sound like a wonderful caring son and you father will know this.
Bunnyhop x
What’s really getting to me is that, if this is to be it, I won’t have had the chance to say goodbye; to tell him I love him and thank him for being a brilliant dad, and grandad to my son. That hurts. That really bloody hurts.
I think you can be sure he knows...
But then I’m not – for good chunks of the day today I’ve just been getting on with stuff and not even thought about it. When I realise I’m doing that I feel guilty for not worrying (and I know that’s not helpful)
I’m also feeling crap that I’m not there for him – as I mentioned, he’s in the UK and I’m on the far side of Canada
I don't think you would be allowed in the ward in any case which would mean you sitting around and worrying with no distraction. Finding things to do is perfectly normal. Everyone responds differently but I know I found distraction a good way of coping. There's no right or wrong way to feel or act. Don't over think it. Do what helps and try to talk.
Good luck, fingers crossed for you all.
Hi, can't get PM's to work.
I wish you and your family the best but very briefly on a practical level ...
You do have to get on day to day while your loved one is in hospital. Where my relative is there's a daily phone call round and that's about as close as you get to them. It's been really really tough. I think feeling guilt and unease at carrying on is to be expected but it doesn't make it wrong to do so.
If you've got kids they need occupying, disciplining and all the normal stuff as best you can because nothing will be worse than trying to deal with them acting up while you're understandably worried sick. You should not feel bad for this but you probably will.
Happy to swap a bit more detail via email (in my profile) if it'll help. I'm being a bit perfunctory as this is a very public domain and conscious of privacy of family members.
Best wishes
As said by several others, I reckon your dad knows you love him.
Allowing your mind to be occupied by other things some of the time is a need, a blessing and IS NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.
It sounds like the docs are hoping they can get him through this and it's got to help that he's fit for his age.
Easy to say and hard to do but cross your fingers, deal with and look after what you can (and that includes yourself - and your mum) and wait it out. Let your wife & kid help you in this - they obviously want to, even if your boy doesn't really know why.
I'm sure the hospital will be happy to keep you updated by phone and really that's pretty much all you'd get if you were in the UK. You've got weird time zone differences too but remember that ICUs don't run 9-5 and they may well be happy to talk to you at any time - ask them what you can do to keep in contact.
Best wishes to your dad and all who love him
What’s really getting to me is that, if this is to be it, I won’t have had the chance to say goodbye; to tell him I love him and thank him for being a brilliant dad, and grandad to my son.
I genuinely mean this positively rather than negatively,:
You've literally been able to spend your entire life communicating this to him. Either he already knows all that already, or if he doesn't then a grasped fifteen minutes isn't going to change anything.
Don't beat yourself up.
Hi everyone,
Thanks for the feedback and support. Reading it has made a very big difference to how I'm feeling about the whole situation.
Saturday, when I wrote the original post, had been a really bad day. Since then things have settled down a bit. Took my lad for a ride in the woods and, since the whole town's super-quiet right now but Tim Horton's is still open, we rode across town and went through the drive-thru to get a hot chocolate and a donut. We were out about 3 or 4 hrs in total, which was really nice - a welcome distraction from the current situation. I'm doing a lot better now - today's felt relatively normal, in fact.
As for my dad, not a great deal has changed. I've been speaking to the hospital a couple of times a day (been trying not to call too often as I'm aware they're really busy, but the nurses I've spoken to have insisted it's not a problem) and they've been keeping me informed. He's still in a serious condition, but seems to be quite stable, which is something. They've been rotating him between his front and his back in an effort to alleviate the strain on his chest. He seems to be responding well when on his front, with his oxygen requirement dropping fairly significantly. It goes up again when he's put on his back, but I think that's to be expected. It's early days, so fingers crossed that he's building his strength back up with time spent on his front, so that the oxygen requirement doesn't go quite so high when they flip him back over again.
They've also informed me that his kidneys aren't functioning as well as they'd like, though from my conversation with the consultant when they intubated him, this seems to be expected and they feel they can manage it with medication and equipment. It's far from ideal, but the nurse didn't seem to be overly concerned about it.
On a more positive note, they've been able to stop giving him medication to keep his blood pressure up. It had dropped quite low a few days ago but seems to have recovered fairly well. It might not be much of a win, but I'll take any victory we can get right now.
It looks like he's trying to fight it, which is a good sign. We're a long way from being out of the woods, but I'm feeling hopeful again.
One thing that has been quite nice is that I've been in a lot more contact with my aunt than I have in a long time. She called on Saturday in a blind panic which really shook me when I was barely holding it together myself, but since then she's calmed down a lot. I think having to help her hold it together has helped me, in a strange way.
We exchanged a few photos etc to help keep spirits up, and I thought I'd quite like to share this one of him being an awesome grandad from when he came to visit last summer. I laugh every time I see it - hope you do too.
Thanks again to everyone who's responded - It really means a lot.
Garage-Dweller - thanks for your offer of advice via PM. I'll be sure to drop you an email if I'm struggling again. I hope all is well at your end.
That's a fantastic picture and sums up so much of the emotion in the posts you've made.
All that fitness will help him immensely and words can't relate how much I want to read an update to this thread saying things are looking up for him.
All the best my friend and keep us updated.
What a great photo of a great moment. Best wishes.
That picture brings a tear to my eye after losing my dad a few weeks ago (not cv19) and also having the Rockies as a home from home. Fingers and everything crossed he comes through and he can come back to ride with you again.
OP. This is obviously a hugely tough time for you and the practicalities of the situation must make you feel worse. I will be thinking of you. The one thing I can guarantee you relates to this:
What’s really getting to me is that, if this is to be it, I won’t have had the chance to say goodbye; to tell him I love him and thank him for being a brilliant dad, and grandad to my son. That hurts. That really bloody hurts.
You may not have the chance to say goodbye - but believe me, the rest he knows. As you know being a dad yourself - you have a great idea of how your son feels about you. Your dad is just the same. He will hold every affectionate gesture and all those times you will have spent together as precious things he cannot let go of...
Take care,
Jay
I absolutely love that photo.
Thanks for sharing.
Me too.
Thank you, and again, all our best wishes.
Great pic and your lad has tasted the cycling and he's ours now!
All the best.
Christ, he's in better shape than me and I'm 30 years younger, looks like he'll cruise through this 🙂
this whole thing sucks, I hope your dad pulls through
fingers crossed pinetree
that photo is magic
Nothing to add but my sympathies, I hope your Dad pulls through!
Love that photo, sums up all the great stuff about family and cycling in a single frame. He looks to be a healthy bloke as you say. Sounds like he's receiving good care and as your last post describes maybe has turned the corner in his battle against this horrific disease. Am hoping for you all that this is the case, and will inspire you to get out and do some amazing stuff together once this is all over. Most of my family live in Aus and were due to visit soon. Am missing them like crazy and frankly terrified at the distance because of this kind of stuff. I always remember though that the limited times we have together are condensed into the best weeks of my life...
That really is a great photo. May there be lots more like it still to come.
Finally got to see the picture (had to use MS Edge!)
Your dad is the sort of chap who bloody deserves to get through this if only to make his grandson laugh like that again.
Oh and he's got some good legs on him 🙂
@pinetree great pic and happy to share a bit more by email if needed.
Keep on keeping on, thoughts with you and your family.
Fingers crossed for your dad OP and yes I agree that is a brilliant pic, a needed tonic with all this shit going on.
Hi everyone,
Been a couple of weeks since I updated - sorry for the radio silence, but I've had a lot on my plate recently.
So, bit of an update. My dad has slowly but surely made progress. They've been able to get him down to minimal breathing support and have replaced the full-on ventilator with oxygen flow provided via tracheostomy. He's off sedition now and seems to be aware of what's going on. Still can't speak yet, but he's able to mouth words to communicate and has been giving the nurses smiles and thumbs up.
I was able to speak to him very briefly via FaceTime on Sunday, though he was still super drowsy so I'm not sure how much of it he was aware of. Going to try again this week once the sedation fully wears off and we can hopefully have a bit of a conversation.
What's really struck me is just how long of a process this has been, and will continue to be. I'd naively thought that once he was off the ventilator they'd bring him round and he'd be alright, just a bit tired maybe. I don't think I'd appreciated the extent of the effects from being unconscious and on a ventilator for a fortnight!
It's going to be a fair while until he's back to himself, but it certainly looks like we're on the right track!
Thanks to everyone who chimed in with messages of support. It has made the whole situation a lot less horrible.
Cheers
Scott
Positive news. Happy for you and your family.
Hi Scott. That's good news. My Dad was intubated for a similar time and it took him 6 months to recover. You don't hear of the physical and mental effects of such an intervention. He suffered from dementia type symptoms for a week or so but that is normal and they wear off. Best wishes to you and your Dad.
Rant away if it helps you feel better.
Positive vibes and i really hope things work out for you.
And yes, that photo is superb!
BF x
Great to hear that Scott.
That photo is great and I'm really glad to hear your dad is on the mend.
Here's to more photos in the future.
Steve
Good to hear things are moving in the right direction
Much love xxx
That's positive!
He'll be burning around in that RV in no time.
Great to read that. Really chuffed for you 👍
Great effort that man! 👍
So glad it's looking up, read the original post and really felt for you being stuck away.
Good to hear the the end of the beginning is here for your dad. I hope that his recovery is relatively straightforward.
Great news @pinetree. We've had our own journey through this as you know and all indications are it's a pretty long road back to normality but having said that there is already some slow progress (out a week in our case).
I wish your dad a steady and solid recovery and your family the best of health and some respite from the stress you've no doubt been under the last couple of weeks.
Best wishes
This is such a great thing to read 👍🏼
Glad to hear it Scott. Best wishes.
Oh heck yes!
So, so glad to hear your dad is in the mend.
Truly fantastic news mate.
👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼 smashes like 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
Good news, wishing your Dad all the best. Hopefully he'll get to take that trip in the RV.