Just went for an eye test,which involved being in a small room with a very attractive young lady (which should be by-the-by although adds something to the scenario).
I began to feel the brewing of a fart, no imminent danger, but enough to get me wondering - as I often do - how would you approach the situation if you let a real stinker out in a confined space with a stranger?
It's a genuine worry because, maybe it's aging, but I'm also prone occasional "seepage" (you're welcome) which in the home environment can be laughed off. But in the optometrist's office, there's no real way of saying "oh, err, yeah might have been me???".
One day it's going to happen, I need to be prepared.
Bring your dog with you. That's what I do.
You know it's you, they know it's you, say nothing. It's not like you'll be the first to have done it.
Rise above it.
My 96 year old neighbour comes in for dinner on ne'erday, she has no family, goes to only other family in our wee street for xmas day, she's a character, we love having her in tbh.
Last year (well, 2019, obvs) she was sitting telling me a story, the bairn was reading a xmas book, auld yin lets rip wi a corker, an absolute ripper, wee yin shouts 'DAD!' and shoots me a look of mortification, but the auld yin just carries on with her story, ye couldn't see the embarrassment through her rouge, either that or she just didn't know! 🙂
Don't mess about, go in hard and fast, crying out:
"Bloody hell! That's awful that is! What have you eaten? Dear god, open a window!"
and then brass it out.
Many years ago, when I had hair, I was getting it cut by a very nice lady who happened to drop her guts in a most terribly pungent manner.
By God it stank. Like shitting a dead rat sort of stench. We were the only two people in there, but being repressed English people we ignored it as she tried to make awkward conversation whilst her face changed colour and I tried not to gag.
30 years on I still get olfactory flashbacks.
Yesterday I was riding out of an unofficial trail amongst some dense trees (top of Camel at Swinley) and I came around the corner to be confronted by a woman with her bum out having a wee about 30ft up the trail.
I hit my brakes which obviously squealed extremely loudly. She saw me, I saw her and I just took a sharp left turn and rode off as fast as I could. She walked past me later on and we both made a point of looking in any direction except for at each other.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is just run away as fast as you can and then ignore that it ever happened?
There was a story on the radio last Christmas - a nurse was working in surgery as the doctor finished an operation. It was Christmas and she had been partaking of the sprouts. She farted and suddenly the surgeon goes 'Shit! Shit! I'm going to have to open him up again, I've nicked the bowel!!' And she let him!
Bent over in a busy office to get something from my locker and let out a massive parp involuntarily. No option but to ignore it and carry on settling myself at my desk. Horrific.
Full commitment. Squeze it out.
Follow it up with
"A bit more choke and that would have started"
I was having a contact lens check or eye test and the very attractive for her age optometrist was insisting in look I look downwards, unaware that at least one more blouse button than was decent had come undone.
In these PC times I wasn't sure whether to point out her state of undress or just try and look but not see.
Very difficult navigating modern business standards when you brought up with Benny Hill and Carry On films.
There are 3 blokes in the office where I work who just let rip whenever they feel like it. Sometimes they even comment on each other's out pourings. They don't seem to do it when the woman in their team is present. So I suppose they're quite refined in a sense.
I always keep mine for private moments.
having a wee about 30ft up the trail
Impressive!!
If I try hard enough I can just about miss the polished toe caps on my boots.
"Better an empty house than an unruly tenant."
Childish, I know, but these threads bring tears to my eyes...
“A bit more choke and that would have started”
very attractive young lady
Hate to break it to you, but no one under 45 knows what a choke is.
Imagine the sales team meeting in a small office in a health club, about 2 hours after we'd trained and had our protein shakes 🤢
Hate to break it to you, but no one under 45 knows what a choke is.
My mistake.
Replace choke statement with:
"Hmmm - do farts have lumps?"
When was 10 I got dragged along and had to sit though a rehearsal of my mums amateur dramatics group in a small room with about 20 people. God it was dull and I started to rummage around in my pockets for something to break the tedium. Unfortunately, the only thing I managed to break was the stink bomb sat in my coat pocket. Certainly livened up the proceedings as everyone evacuated the room at speed gagging and choking and definitely livened up the next few hours for me at home.
“A bit more choke and that would have started”
“Better an empty house than an unruly tenant.”
having a wee about 30ft up the trail
Impressive!!
If I try hard enough I can just about miss the polished toe caps on my boots
Outstanding work. 🙂
Childish, I know, but these threads bring tears to my eyes…
My 11yr old walked out of the lounge a while back having dropped his guts, commenting “Ooh, that’d bring a tear to a glass eye” to his mother as he walked by.
(He’s virtually a pro at farting. He got a house point from Mr Kent last year for the loudest and longest fart he’s ever heard come out of a child).
I have forgotten two classics to use:
Knock Knock
Who is there?
I dun up.
And
Pull my finger.
He got a house point from Mr Kent last year for the loudest and longest fart he’s ever heard come out of a child
I so hope that was written up as a certificate of merit.
One of ours had a teacher who had air-freshner on her desk for two culprits - ours being the leading protagonist. It got to the stage where he had a 'free pass' to pop into the corridor and let loose as he needed. One parents evening we were informed of all this and the fact that that day he had an award from the class - one of his rippers was heard back in the classroom from outside a fire door, and the whole class were impressed.
A proud parenting moment for mrs_oab and I to cherish.
Just ignore my forum name for a second 🙄 Back when I was a postie we were in the sorting office when the inevitable happened . Next thing I know a female postie had reported me to my boss and I was told to see him in his office ( no I didn’t let go in there 😬) apparently I had been doing it on purpose? 🤔 in the future he said if I feel the need I was to go to “ The purpose built room “ ? When I enquired where this room was he told me without a hint of a smirk that it was the yard outside???🙄🙄🙄
I blame my good old dad bless him . When he was in his late 70s we took him to Brownsea Island for the day. At a viewpoint looking towards Poole Harbour on a bench sat a young couple very much in love romantically gazing at each other then the view . Dad let go a right ripper , my mrs looked at me mortified, I tried to hide it by scuffing my feet on the gravel . Thought we had gotten away with it until Dad laughed really loudly !!! Time for a swift exit ! 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
COVID bonus, not smelt one for 18 months. Just apologise.
A couple of years back I was in training with a new piece of software, the only people in the room were myself and the attractive redheaded lady conducting the training. All of a sudden I became aware of the sort of window-clouding, heinous stench that screams "IBS!", I decided to do the gentlemanly thing and pretend that nothing had happened. I never saw Corinna again, but I suppose that it was my fault for recommending that she try the Indian curried wrap place next door.
“Ooh, that’d bring a tear to a glass eye”
Awesome! You've raised him proper 😆
A friend and geography teacher was riding at GT a good few years ago. When last night's curry made itself known. She was nearly at the road on the switchbacks above Go ape. Thinking the bushes would hide her blushes she took to the undergrowth forgetting that a switch back does just that. One of the two lads passing within metres was heard to state. "By God it stinks of shite here" Deb's bailed.out to the road and cut the day short.
You know it’s you, they know it’s you
Thats why you shoot them a look of disgust as if the did it.
Surely in such situations you insert your artillery shell as a stopper.
Pmsl
Rise above it.
Its a small room and hot air rises.
OH is currently in next room, just shouted, wanting to know what I am laughing about!
Reminds me of a time at work back in the office days, some hotshot account manager was at our desk area just kinda talking about some current issue... she dropped an absolute stinker, like it could melt your eyeballs vile...
It happens, what can you do? knowing glances were exchanged and we moved swiftly onwards.
Kinda funny loking back on it.
You got my attention with this title
Just Burp alot, you cant fart and burp at the same time apparantly.Wasn’t there a forum topic,on this very subject in days of old?
Funny incident during a royal visit
According to the Times, after the horse blew off the Queen said: "I do apologise, your excellency."
The foreign dignitary replied: "It is no problem, your majesty. I thought it was one of the horses."
😆
First time I got a job with my own office, thought it was great- can let rip with no one hearing.
I didn’t take into account that the smell lingers.
Yoga that is what used to do it for me and others in the class.
The cat exercise was the best where you are on your hands and knees head tucks under back arched then back presses down and head comes up and bottom burp.
Open your eyes and all you can see is a sea of lycra clad bottoms.
Yet strangely no one ever mentioned it.
I work in the outdoors, so generally just let go without a thought.
Often forget this when back indoors, but getting away with it through airing of the rooms for COVID.
Worst incident was a mate letting rip in a Gondola just after the doors shut. With no opening windows, we were stuck with it until the top gondola station when could get out. He wasn't shy, he thought it hilarious.
This story doesn't require much preamble or scene setting
One of my mates once caused a whole Belgian train carriage to voluntary evacuate to adjacent compartments. Its a good job Belgian trains have decent doors.
If you fart audibly on MS Teams unmuted the culprits frame lights up blue
Just woke my daughter who was asleep on my chest. Couldn’t contain the giggles. Farts are funny.
A close friend of mine had a dodgy curry and his stomach was causing him grief the next morning. His wife had little sympathy and insisted he drive her to work despite his pleas to let him stay at home and near the bog. Despite his best efforts he shit himself on the way home.
When he got back his neighbour, who was a talker, stopped him for a natter. Greg being a lovely bloke stopped for about ten minutes whilst the guy waffled at him. All the while smelling like the Lord of turd mountain with poo running down his leg and in to his trainer. No idea why he told his friends this story as we bring it up all the time
Just woke my daughter who was asleep on my chest. Couldn’t contain the giggles. Farts are funny.
Plot twist: she's 23.
Honestly, we need to deal with farts as a culture. You wouldn't be mortified if you burped or sneezed, why are farts any different? Sure, they sometimes stink, but spoiler alert: so do everyone else's.
*parp* - "whoops, pardon me" - move on. No?
As an apprentice in the 1970s i worked in a Toolroom (very descriptive name) with a fella called Stevie.. now Stevie comsumed 9 pints of Tetleys every night of his life, each morning for breakfast at work he had two fried egg sandwiches, dinner time consisted of a canteen curry.
How he never shat himself is beyond me, his farts made people retch and i am talking welders and boilermakers.
Plot twist: she’s 23.
Four, my weedy chest would collapse if a full sized person tried to sleep on it 😀
*parp* – “whoops, pardon me” – move on. No?
How boring would that world be?!
I just remembered, those 3 blokes I mentioned earlier were in the office the other day, they went out for coffee and I was left alone. Had ridden in that day, which for some reason always makes me windy. I let a few go when they left me in peace.
Few mins later heard a rustling noise… bloke we call Silent Mike was sat the other side of the partition. I was slightly ashamed. Only slightly.
How boring would that world be?!
Oh, I'm not suggesting that they aren't still funny. I'm still working my way through General Lucifer's blog and have woken up my partner through laughing on more than one occasion. Point is, we shouldn't be compelled to feel embarrassed about it.
“Silent Mike”, I love that.
My Dad once did a hideous fart whilst my then four year old sister was in the bed. Fair to say the stench did not improve when she vomited.
I used to work an early morning shift at the local Sainsbury’s as a personal shopper. Started at 5am so up at 4:30am; a hot curry the night before was a baaaaad idea.
For some reason it always kicked in just as the shop was opening to the public; you always have that feeling wondering if you should go to the toilet or get away with just letting the pressure out... the later being quite risky depending on how many chillies you ate.
I always had to check if anyone was around; drop a little them move to the next isle.
I always did wonder why it always happened at the furthest point for the toilet.
The ring of fire wasn’t the pleasant for the rest of the shift.
Doing a "drive bye" on a pensioner in a supermarket is always a good cover...
Hang on i am nearly a pensioner.
This has absolutely started my day chuckling away.
Thanks for the laughs 😀
Worst incident was a mate letting rip in a Gondola just after the doors shut.
Never go to Venice with him again.
... wasn't sure if he'd get away with it but thought he'd take a punt?
You wouldn’t be mortified if you burped or sneezed, why are farts any different?
I think, as Harry_the_Spider first alluded to on this thread, for me its the "stench of a dead rat". It's not meant as bragging, but sometimes the aroma that escapes me is beyond offensive. A little harmless toot and I'd just say "oops, excuse me". But a silent biological-weapons grade effort is a different matter. That's where I'd struggle to deal with the situation and think it would amount to insisting on an evacuation of the room (not my bowels).
As an aside, on general fart stories, I do miss the old 35mm camera film tubs. My sister and I used to fart into one of these and trap it in quickly with the lid. Then stealthily creep up on the other, reach the tub under their nose and pop the top. Hmmm, I have an idea for her christmas present coming on... Does anyone have an old stash of tubs? That said, they'd have to be sent with lids off.
I got my brother's girlfriend last Christmas. They were staying at our place and whilst making some tea I was struck with inspiration. I planted the mug over my bewtocks and puffed copiously. Then, allowing time for pyjama bottom diffusion, called her over to help me tell if the mug had been used 'for tea or coffee as I had a cold'. She put her nose right in and took a big snort... Payload delivered.
The girlfriend is French but had worked as a teacher in a UK boys' school, and thus understood my level of humour.
Doing a “drive bye” on a pensioner in a supermarket is always a good cover…
I was walking into town with a mate many years ago now when I felt the familiar pressure of brown gas leaning against the back doors, meowing to be let out. So I thought I'd try and casually let it slip, as you do. Maybe one of those perambulating trumps where you let a little bit out each time on successive footfalls.
Well friends, I made a catastrophic error of judgement. What followed can only be described as a motion picture in sound. It was like tearing a heavy velvet curtain in half, briefly segued into a high calibre automatic rifle barrage before a triumphant coda of emptying a bag of flip-flops out of the loft. I could no more have nipped it off mid-flow than Kinga Canute could have stopped a tsunami. Bottle open, genies well and truly everywhere.
Unfortunately, at the same time my sphincter involuntarily deployed Agent Brown, a waist-high kid ran out from around the corner. The poor little sod got, as it were, both barrels right in the face from a distance of about six inches. I about knocked him off his feet. There's no coming back from that is there? I kinda mumbled "uh, oops, sorry" and carried on walking, leaving him to his bleeding eyes and retching.
It’s not meant as bragging, but sometimes the aroma that escapes me is beyond offensive.
Thing is, we all do it. Some people have medical conditions, some people had a prawn vindaloo and six pints of Theakston's Finest Eggy the night before. Hate to break it to you but the Queen's shit stinks as badly as yours does.
Laughing so much I'm crying! Thanks everyone!
I once traffed in a very quiet waiting area at Calais ferry port. Everybody was quiet and pissed off because of a long delay caused by high swell.
Pre-mobile phones, people were reading or just staring into space. I felt that precursor internal whump that signals one is on the way.
I decided to go for the 10 mil' leg raise and side it out.
Well those innocuous looking red plastic chairs had acoustic properties that I wasn't expecting. As I vented, it was if a small drummer had come with it and performed a competent solo on the seat.
My GF did what I now call a Fanny-Face, a reference to Fanny from Ghosts.
I just laughed my bollocks off and so did a good number of the audience. Think it cheered the buggers up TBH!
Edit:
For those who've not seen Ghosts.
[img] 
[/img]
You wouldn’t be mortified if you burped or sneezed, why are farts any different?
As one of our engineers used to put it, 'All smells are particulate'. Think about that and where it came from
True, that. Kid round our way breathed in a fart and then he died.
OK, it was 60 years later, but you can't argue with science.
‘All smells are particulate’. Think about that and where it came from
Out of your aerosol?
Bent over in a busy office to get something from my locker and let out a massive parp involuntarily. No option but to ignore it and carry on settling myself at my desk. Horrific.
I'm too childish to ignore things like that, even if it's me doing it. I'll be 50 next month yet farts and fart related antics still make me giggle like a 10 year old.
Worst incident was a mate letting rip in a Gondola just after the doors shut. With no opening windows, we were stuck with it until the top gondola station when could get out. He wasn’t shy, he thought it hilarious.
Happened to a friend of mine too except he actually shit himself! 20 unpleasant yet hilarious minutes in a very crowded gondola with half a dozen merciless mates almost wetting themselves, and then 20 minutes back down in a very un-crowded gondola, worrying about what might emerge. Thank goodness long johns are absorbent.
Small local nightclub, 2am Saturday. Packed dance floor. After a bad pint, decided to walk via the dance floor on the way back from the toilets. It felt hot on the way out and smelt like a septic tank in summer. Found myself a good vantage point leaning against a nearby pillar and watched the carnage unfold.
A Mexican wave of people suspiciously sniffing the air, followed by looks of utter disgust. Retching, followed by a mass exodus. 200 people down to an empty space in 30 seconds, with just lights dancing on the abandoned floor. Staff rushed to the toilets fearing the worst.
10 minutes later normal service had resumed.
And no-one ever suspected the skinny guy, minding his own business 5 metres away.
Everyone does it, but no one benefits by acknowledging it. Just crack on.
wasn’t sure if he’d get away with it but thought he’d take a punt?
Well, I enjoyed that.
I got my brother’s girlfriend last Christmas.
That's High Stakes Secret Santa, that is!
‘All smells are particulate’
Or, as a friend used to put it "when you smell someone's fart, you're breathing in their excrement".
Everyone does it, but no one benefits by acknowledging it.
Disagree.
Building up a reputation for admitting to your farts means that people are more likely to believe you when you really need to deny responsibility for one... (-:
Bloke in here today (not one of the 3) just dropped a squeaky one. Normally it would go unheralded, but the female member of the team is sat opposite him, so you just KNOW he was as surprised as the family hound when that one slipped out. He even apologised. Made my day.
‘All smells are particulate’
Reminds me of a time long, long ago when I was on a 5 week nordic skiing / biathlon training camp in Norway with the Army.
Our band of merry men were staying in a self catering ski lodge. In order to keep the costs down we took our own food with us. We went to the Bookers Cash and Carry to fill a Transit van full of high carb / wind inducing food to fuel our physical endeavours before we crossed the North Sea. We also provided industrial amounts of SiS Rego, which to the unaccustomed stomachs of the troops, really upped the wind speed to storm force.
We had to drive to varying areas to train and our local instructor flatly refused to travel with us as he didn't want to breath in all of the airborne poo particles in the van.
I managed a pretty gag worthy drive by in an S2 science class this morning. Left a pupil, well known for not holding back, denying all responsibility.
I mmust admit i stink, a very veggie diet and real ale.
I was once in a trap (all engineers know what a trap is) and i "unloaded" it was that bad that the unwritten rule of saying nowt had to be overriden by the bloke in the next trap...
All he said was F****** Hell do you need an Ambulance.
When she was younger my daughter had the ability to fart at will. Big proper rippers too not just little squeaks. I'd class her ability as a super power, but now as he's a teenager she doesn't do it anymore.
Such a waste of a beautiful gift.
familiar pressure of brown gas leaning against the back doors, meowing to be let out
That brought tears to my eyes, thanks!
I used to work on the 20th floor of an office building.
Farting silently in a packed morning lift, then staring at some innocent bystander was one of my little pleasures.
Transference of guilt is a fascinating phenomenon.
It was like tearing a heavy velvet curtain in half, briefly segued into a high calibre automatic rifle barrage before a triumphant coda of emptying a bag of flip-flops out of the loft.
How did I miss this. Just brought on a coughing fit. Superb.
