[Closed] Funny stories about farting?

My girlfriend is a documentary maker and theres been more than one occasion where people have wandered off to the gents with a radio mic still attached. Luckily (for them not her) it was only transmitting to her headphones

^^^

That’s brilliant.

A mate of mine sharted whilst on the phone to his mother..

My 94 year old neighbour comes in for new years day dinner every year, she's a real character, some amazing stories.

Anyway last year she was talking away, let rip (I don't think she realised!), my 13 year old daughter sticks her head up from her phone, shouting 'DAD!' assuming it was yours truly, wife goes beetroot, auld yin keeps talking throughout this whole episode.

How I never buckled, I'll never know! 🙂

I was walking through town a few years ago behind some old bloke who was shuffling along. He stopped, leant against a shop window and let rip with a thunderous fart and then said "bugger me" and carried on shuffling down the street.

I was on a night out with my flatmate and a couple of girls we knew in a student bar. The girls all went to the toilet and I lifted a cheek and let rip with a massive fart just as the music stopped. Everyone in the bar was laughing and the girls walked back in wondering why I was getting high 5's off various people.

While taking our Boris-appoved exercise the other day, with a walk through the woods, Mrs Binners was telling me how the lack of traffic noise etc has led to a change in the way blackbirds are singing. There were obviously quite a few in the trees around us so she decided she was going to record the sights and sounds of this idylic woodland orchestra for posterity.

I couldn't help myself....

She captured a few seconds of beautiful, tuneful birdsong, followed by what sounded like someone slowly tearing a heavy velvet curtain in half, then me giggling

She was not impressed

Probably time for an admission.    About 18 months ago, one of our two cats died.  The other took to sleeping between us on a dedicated cushion.  In fact thats where he spends all of his time now apart from pooping and eating - he's 16.

From time to time, he farts.  Sometime silent, and sometimes with a low whistle.  Its quite funny, but it really stinks. Anyway so about a year ago I had a dodgy stomach and let one go, it was terrible and didn't smell "human" at all so of course, I blamed it on the cat.   This was accepted, so as various times over the year and with careful consideration to over repeating the issue, but also bearing in mind my missus has witnessed him farting I've continued to blame it on the cat, and been getting away with it, a lot.

It backfired on me 2 weeks ago - the day before lockdown was his annual MOT.  Despite being 16 he passed as one of the healthiest cats the vet had ever seen, upon which comment Mrs K felt obliged to mention the farting to the vet.

So, I'm now paying for some very expensive cat food that would have seen a whole industrial sized box of Yankee candles to cover my excuses be far kinder to my wallet, for a cat that has a minor once a week whistling arse.

Okay, and in the spirit of not posting about you know what. Back in the 80s, I was in a very famous TV show. Actually, no. I was working for a while as casual stage crew (lowest of the lowest of the low) at Leeds Playhouse. The main joke amongst the crew was farting, basically, with some prolific exponents of the (f)art.

Anyway there'd been a production of the play "golden girls" set in the world of women's athletics. Quick google: this - https://theatricalia.com/play/gz/golden-girls/production/20r must've toured. It was funny enough that the crew, who did not much resemble athletes, had to dress in athletic kit when going on to make changes (skimpy, shiny 80s kit).

Anyway, end of act 2, a couple of members of the crew go on just before the lights fall, taking hold of bits of kit to take off stage before lights go up for the next scene. One fateful night this happens as usual, crew on, lights go down. When in the dark one of them releases a rip-roarer of such volume and ferocity it ricochets drowning conversation in row Z or whatever and bounces off the back wall. The lights come back up to reveal scenery unmoved, and two members of crew doubled up with laughter on the stage.

(this is such a bad thing to happen in front of an audience I find myself wondering now if it really happened like that. Memory eh?)

Graham Norton Show

An old fella I used to work with was visiting a friend in hospital with his wife.
After visiting said friend they decided not to take the lift back to the ground floor but take the stairs. Apparently he had been brewing one while in the ward and couldn’t keep it in any longer. Just as he was letting rip he heard footsteps coming up the stairs towards them. Before they saw who it was he dashed through a door onto another ward and left his wife walking down.
Apparently it was a doctor carrying his clipboard and from the look he gave the wife he was pretty disgusted with her, and she went bright red!
Needless to say my mates wife gave him a right bollocking.

I've spent the last year apologising to my newish girlfriend for (occasionally) stinky farts as well as being generally paranoid about potentially smelly feet / pits etc, doubly so at the moment as she's living with me due to the CV-19 lockdown.

Today, like literally ten minutes ago, she revealed to me that she has no sense of smell...

Mrs Scape and I were taking our seats at a well-known curry house in Bradford. As we settled she let go a short, sharp audible fart. I looked at her with surprise, she blushed ever so slightly and we both thought she’d got away winth it when one of the lads on the table behind her said “we’ll you can tell you two are married!”

I may have occasionally dropped a pretty rank number in a shop, then scurried away to leave the wife to take the blame.
Dropped a dirty one in the van when picking up the youth from school one day, wife arrives with her friend (and child in tow) and asks if we can drop them off on the way. ...... i blamed that on an egg sandwich

Today, like literally ten minutes ago, she revealed to me that she has no sense of smell…

Match made in heaven 🙂

Timely thread! I'm just back from a walk to the local shopping centre (successful too) - while leaving I was walking through the large, echoing and apparently deserted atrium so decided I had to make the most of the situation and popped one out to enjoy the reverb. As I got closer to the exit out pops a security guard to tell me they'd locked that exit and I should use the other way out. No other comment, but there was no way he didn't hear me.

Primary school, production of Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator. I played Grandpa George. During the scene where Grandparents were all in bed together, nerves got the better of me. Incredible noise, much amusement amongst parents and fury from the teacher in charge of the play. Blamed Grandma Georgina, who I hated, got away with it 🙂

Who was the forumite who's kid on the first day of school said "Miss, pull my finger..."

I worked with a chap who was in the supermarket an let one drop. What was expected as a crop dust became code brown. Unable to continue his shop, he nipped to the loo and removed his soiled undies, dropped them in the loo and flushed... He left the store moments after as the gents loo flooded. Then had to explain to workmates why he had returned empty handed from the milk/tea/cake run... 😂😂😂

someone slowly tearing a heavy velvet curtain in half

Pmsl

Coming back to work from a 2hr pub lunch break, just before I got out of the lift I let one go. My mate had to carry on for 6 more floors to his one with just my beer fuelled fart for company. Although it did stop mid way to let more people on, who gave him dirty looks!

Many a year ago took a trip to the new girlfriend's (now wife) eledery nan on a several hour drive from Newcastle to Fife.

Lovely day was had by all (relatively).

On the way home started feeling one brewing no lot long after setting off.
After several hours in the back of the car between the girlfriend and her mother was absolute agony.

Was never more glad than to finish the journey with an aching stomach as I got out the car.

Thought get in there saved myself an embarrassment there. Bent over to get something out the boot, yep wasn't quiet and it wasn't short lived.

Got the dirtiest look from her mother but all I could say was "better out here than in the car"

I heard a good story on the radio once. A nurse had been eating her Christmas meal including sprouts. The day after she was helping in surgery while a doctor was carrying out an abdominal operation. Just after he’d finished and sewn the stomach up she dropped one that reeked so much that the surgeon panicked and started shouting ‘Oh my God, I’ve cut the bowel!’ and opened the patient up again. She was too embarrassed to say anything.

Having had Diverticulitis for the last 3 weeks I can say with complete confidence Never ever trust a fart
💩💩💩

Myself and a then girlfriend somehow ended up going to a wedding of someone we hardly knew (I didn't know them at all and she hadn't seen the bride since school)

The night before we went for an all you can eat Mexican and made damn sure we got our money's worth. Frankly that was a very poor bit of forward planning. Things were not good on the morning of the wedding and she was suffering he most. The service was really long and there was a lot of 'please stands' and 'please be seated' that weren't helping her keep a lid on things.

At the end of the service we all filed out into the churchyard for a bit of a mingle before heading off to the reception. This was her chance. "Don't follow me!" she whispered as we stepped out side and she scurried  off to a quiet corner of the church yard. But everywhere she went some kind soul would see her on the own and feel honour bound to approach and make polite conversation. She kept trying to escape but someone else would keep joining her for a chat every time she got out of ear shot. Struggling now she spotted a small family group with an old and not very well looking man in a wheelchair, so unable to stand alone anywhere she decided to sidle up and stand behind him and let one drop. Successful as a strategy -  but later she was sent the only photo from the wedding that photographer has managed to capture of her which was of the family group and old man and her see over his shoulder with a far away and deeply thoughtful expression on her face.

A few years back we were sat outside the First and Last House at Land’s End enjoying an ice cream.

My wife and three kids were sitting at a picnic bench and because there wasn’t enough room, I was sitting, by myself, at an adjacent bench. I shifted position on the bench to make myself more comfortable and let rip with a completely unanticipated air biscuit.

It was so loud that I imagined the lighthouse keeper at the Longships, a mile and a half away, tapping the controls of his foghorn as though there had been some malfunction.

In the immediate aftermath, I immediately looked up, directly at my wife, to gauge her reaction. The kids all did the same, snapping their heads round to look at her to see what she would say, while s****ing.

Unfortunately, these looks were instantly misconstrued by the dozens of other tourists surrounding us who all began to stare accusingly at my wife and mutter to each other under their breath,.My wife instantly made matters worse by blushing to the roots of her hair.

I was left with no option other than to front it out and also pretend that she was the offender.

She will never, ever forgive me for that.

Quite timely given I shit myself today.

Came back from the workshop yesterday feeling light headed thanks to a combo of drink and drugs.

Felt rotten last night. Fell asleep on the lounge floor wearing my work clobber.

Woke this morning with a dicky gut. Long wet runny farting and shitting on and off all day.

Got to the workshop to pick up some gear and thought I'll just have a quick piss and followed through.

My pants are rinsed and drying off and I've gone commando.

livin' the dream

Mumsnet = STW

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3865691-Where-is-the-worse-place-you-have-farted

On dh's penis whilst spooning is up there with my worst.

😮

Ex wife (tracy) and i were walking between 2 houses and there were a group (maybe 6-8) youths hanging around, so as we were passing i let out a ripper and immediately glared at her and said “tracy, for **** sake” in a scolding tone.
Cue immediate laughter from the youths, and a few years later, a divorce 😂😂😂

A night of curry and lager midweek was followed the following morning by a lazy bike ride into work in Didcot. No one around on a warm still morning so as I waited at the crossing opposite Aldi I just let out a silent but paint stripping beauty. Enjoying it to the full I suddenly realised a young couple and their small child had just walked out of the path by the bushes and joined me waiting for the lights to change. Child says “Mummy what’s that terrible smell?”
Mummy is embarrassed. Daddy is giggling and I had to give little chuckle.

Crazy times.

A producer I used to work with was camping in a field next to a pub after a wedding he and his girlfriend had attended. He'd had a skinful and woke in the night desperate for a shit. Crawling out of the tent he farted as his girlfriend sat up behind him pebble-dashing her. It hit her square in the face  and sprayed most of the tent too. There were no facilities in the field so she could only wipe what she could off her. They bundled up the tent and everything in it and she drove them home still reeking.

A few years after he'd told me the story I was on a job in Frankfurt and for some reason was recounting the story to the rest of the crew, most were reacting as you might expect but the photographer wasn't saying anything. When I finished she confirmed it had all happened as I described, she'd been his girlfriend at the time!

I knew at the back of my mind that they'd both once worked for the same company but I'd no idea they'd ever been in a relationship. Neither had ever mentioned it to me before then. She then went on to tell us all that they'd already sold the car and it was being picked up by the new owner the following week. After he'd driven off they'd realised the tent was still in the boot.

I started going to bootcamp a couple of years ago and as the newbie was trying to make friends and a good impression. I can't remember what I'd had for lunch but as the session progressed it decided it wanted in on it. At first it was manageable because the session involved lots of shuttle runs and chance to sneak one out away from the exercise area.

But it wasn't to last...the 5 minute ab blast saw to that. The sit ups and crunches were controlled but when we got to 'throwdowns' - where you lie on your back, a partner stands either side of your head, you grab their ankles, and raise your legs to them. They then throw them away and you use your abs to stop them hitting the floor.

It's not possible to control your sphincter and simultaneously and suddenly tense your abs. Something had to give, and give it did. Being military folk, the instructor sprang to attention and several people formed an honour guard, thinking the blast on the arsetrumpet was heralding the arrival of royalty.

I certainly made an impression

I got locked in the book cupboard at school for my stinky farts 😊. & one time I Dutch ovened me & my girlfriend. She laughed so much she had to use her inhaler 🤣

Jeez, this one takes me back. It's winter 1985 and I'm studying at the University of Marburg on an exchange programme. On my floor of the Halls of Residence there are four or five fellow English students, a couple of Americans and a young Canadian lass who I was keen to get to know better. There was a shared kitchen on each floor and one Saturday evening we offered to cook egg and chips for anybody who was interested. Four of five of us spent a happy afternoon and evening feeding about twenty people of mixed nationalities. Notably we couldn't get the chip oil very hot, and so the chips were a bit greasy, and some of the eggs stuck to the pan but we disposed of those by eating them. We got through several cases of the local brew between us all and generally had a great evening.

The weather was bitterly cold, so once we had tidied up the kitchen, four of us retired to my room ( I had a borrowed TV) and we snuggled up under my duvet to watch it. It looked like my the luck was in as the delightful Canadienne Karen joined me along with Tony from my uni back home, and a girl from Essex he was getting on very well with. About ten minutes into this cosy scene I felt a fart brewing.

Now, the rooms in Adolf Reichwein Haus weren't massive. Typical hall type room with a single box bed, enough room to walk past it to the desk under the window. Emboldened by the beer I decided I would try and sneak it out. I was sitting on the bed with my back against the wall and my legs drawn up so there was little chance of any reed effect, or so I reasoned. I therefore relaxed.

Far from being silent it was a loud honking guff. Not just a little bit noisy, but disturbingly so. What's more it was of huge duration, at least two to three seconds, not helped by the fact that I kind of laughed, despite desperately trying not to.

There was a stunned silence. My flawed reasoning kicked in again, as I thought "Well, the big loud ones don't tend to smell very much......" but Tony broke the spell by shouting "****ing Hell Dave, you can tell you've been eating eggs!" and we were all driven out of the room where we stood gasping for air in the corridor outside.

When my wife was expecting our first child we were lying in bed one night and I farted, it smelled so bad she shot out of bed and went and spewed down the lavy, one of my prouder moments!

Too many to mention as toilet humour is the foundation of basic humour in my family. Always has, always will be. Usually I don’t get smelly wind, it’s more pitch, tone or longevity that makes you laugh. However, the other day, and I don’t know what the food and beverage ingredients were so I may never replicate it, I left the shower after a run and farted before leaving. It was a bit burny. After I got dressed I went back to hang my towel and was hit with a stench that smelt like out of date giblets that had been set on fire. Got to have been five minutes. Now that’s a sticky stench.

There was this one time, in the work car, just me and the DI.....

Did the Canadian remain interested?

There was this one time, in the work car, just me and the DI…..

Now if there was ever an argument for Social Distancing...

One of the important milestones in a child's cognitive development is developing the ability to lie.

I was sitting on a leather sofa with a friends 4 year old daughter watching TV.

The was a huge, sofa-shaking brrrrraaaaap of a baritone fart. During and after which young Beth continued to look deadpan at the TV. After a pause I asked her 'Was that you?"

She turned to me and in the manner of a Obi Wan she said calmly and firmly -

'No. It was the bears on the television'

'But there aren't any bears on the television'

'They're on the other channel'

That thought hung in the air for a while - good answer...

Then her mum walked back in and visibly recoiled from the smell. She looked at me. And Beth looked at me too.

Did the Canadian remain interested?

My dear chap, even in a thread about farting there are some things a gentleman won’t disclose......

Maccruiskeen, thank you so much. You have brightened my morning. I laughed so much, that could probably count as my exercise for the day.

..... but since you asked. I said the rooms were small, they had a sink just inside the door, in a kind of vestibule.

One evening our group was playing trivial pursuit and drinking beer. Somehow the conversation got round to peeing in the sink. All the lads cheerfully admitted to doing so, as it saved a long trip along a cold corridor. The girls expressed horror at this disgusting habit, with some loud condemnation of how filthy men could be.

Karen wasn’t very good at getting up in the morning and used to ask me to come and wake her up if we had an early lecture. One morning I cheerfully burst into her room to find the door would only open halfway. It was blocked by her leg as she was perched on the sink.

That thought hung in the air for a while

Not just the thought that hung in the air for a while I’d wager.

My wife regularly tells me in the morning, that she's had to check under the duvet that I haven't shit myself during the night.

Never have, by the way - just have a knack of producing some particularly rich efforts!

I think she's trying to deflect the blame!

An old mate of mine was wearing white 501s (remember those?) back in the 90s whilst we were in a nightclub. He accidentally sharted himself whilst trying to win the affection of a girl. The lights on the dance floor were those ones that show up white things really well. It was wretched.

Skiing holiday in Bulgaria, a nightclub, a group of girls and a group of guys, both groups interested a pile of beer and perhaps a drunken hook-up. Enter my mate Billy, who after initially throwing some moves then produces the kind of stench that only 4 days of living on Bulgarian stew and bad ale can produce. He literally emptied the dance floor.

Same mate, same holiday. 11am, in a small gondola going up the mountain, the windows small, our group of 4 and 1 other couple, Billy’s arse drops again. No sound, just a silent rising of the stench of death. The colour drains from the couples face and coughing starts. One of my mates tries to throw up out of the window, he fails and so throws up into the gondola. This didn’t help the mood or the smell.

And ,less impressively, I farted as I left the house one morning and made next doors cat jump about 3 foot in the air.

Farted in bed except it wasn't a fart and it was directed towards the wife as I was on my side lol

Some 20 years ago (my god), I worked as half of the IT department for a civil engineering company. My colleague - let's call him Matt, because that was his name - and I were mates outside of work long before we worked together.

One night Matt came over to my house for a few drinks. I made home-made fajitas and we downed a fairly heroic amount of ale. The morning after, the beers and spicy food decided to make their presence known.

We were fortunate enough to share a fairly sizeable office on our own at work, and we spent the morning deflating and turning the air brown. The sort of farts that are so bad that you can't stand the smell of your own, voluminous and frequent, fuelled by several pints of Theakston's Finest Eggy and extra-chillied El Paso. The sort of farts that could kill small children. People walking past the office outside were variously recoiling in horror with their eyes bleeding, going "Jesus Christ, what's that ****ing smell?"

Handily we had the perfect cover story. Our office was next to the gents. "Oh, it's coming from next door" we lied, convincingly.

Too convincingly, as it turned out. Come early afternoon, a very nice man from Dynorod turned up. The poor sod spent all afternoon taking all the bogs to bits trying to trace the source of the aroma of dead gardener. Oops.

A mate got me with the classic "just one more thing" when getting out of a lift and the doors closing.

Was in the queue at the local bank branch and needed to let rip. Couldn't escape so just tried to let it out slowly so I could blame it on the dog in the queue (with owner). Failed. It was one of those high pitched ones that just carry on going. Was about to say sorry to everyone but thanks to the acoustics of the place no-one could tell where it had come from! The staff were nervously looking around to spot the culprit, even the owner of the dog turned to me and the person behind and said 'where the hell did that come from?'. Got to the counter and the staff were all blaming a little old granny!!

Thankfully didn't smell so no lingering crime scene.

Not mine, but a story I've never forgotten from the B3ta newsletter:

"I am 23, staggering in to the kitchen of my
    family home, fighting a hangover. I am wearing
    my trusty towelling dressing gown, and nothing
    else. I open the fridge door, with my back to
    the rest of the kitchen. I thought I was alone.
    I feel a rumbling. "Ah, I feel a little
    windy-pop a-rising!" I happily sing to myself,
    looking forward to the gas release relief.
    I squeeze a little - too hard in hindsight -
    and out pops a slimy, booze endued jobbie,
    right on the kitchen floor. I am slightly
    taken a back by this, but not overcome. That
    was until I shut the fridge door, turn around
    and see my Mum, Dad, Uncle, Auntie, Sister,
    Gran and Grandpa sitting quietly having tea
    and toasted crumpets." (T-Bone Sorbet Jnr)

Was in the cellar fixing bikes this morning. The missus comes down from her office on the second floor, makes eye contact, audibly squelches one out, s****s, then returns back to the office.

That's a lot of stairs, just to cropdust.

Worst thing was, it smelled like one of her dad's efforts

Lad* on the school bus one morning called out

'Hey lads. Listen to this'

And promptly shatted his pants.

*Wasn't me. I'd be honest enough to own up.

https://twitter.com/NYinLA2121/status/1435971664982908930

Today, like literally ten minutes ago, she revealed to me that she has no sense of smell…

How does she taste? 😁

My youngest got a house point from Mr Kent for “the loudest fart I’ve ever heard come out of a child”.

I had a mate who shit himself unconscious....

I'm glad this thread got bumped, rereading it has given me a right laugh. Thank you.

I had a mate who shit himself unconscious….

Hang on hang on.

He shit himself whilst unconscious, or he fell unconscious from shitting? One of those two probably needs medical attention.

I had a mate who shit himself unconscious….

Unconscious? Wow! I've had some sessions but....

Strained that hard due to being bunged up with pizza, beer and laxitives that he blacked out.... then it all let go.

Many moons ago whilst working in a LBS I felt a mild rumbling in my gut. As I had many times before I wandered over to a corner of the shop and started tidying whilst letting one drift gently out. On this occasion though it seemed I was opening a portal to a sewer dimension. The largest fart I had ever done literally just fell out of my arse. There was no hiding this one, it would have seated a full fat tyre and it smelled like a sewage plant had exploded. The toxic cloud made its way through the shop, prompting my colleague to dry heave and run to open the doors even though it was mid winter and the shop had no heating. I went through the workshop and opened the back door to let some air flow through the shop. Unfortunately it was a completely still day so not even a slight breeze to help us.

Maybe 15 minutes later a customer walked in. I'd gotten used to the smell so thought it had almost cleared. The customer immediately asked my colleague "blocked drain?". "No" replied Andy, "Allan farted". I went and hid until the customer had gone. Oh, the shame.

Who was the stw'er who had a kid who on first day of school said 'pull my finger Miss...' 😆

I cleared out a block of classrooms at high-school once. We were all lined up outside each classroom waiting for the teachers to unlock the doors and I unleashed a (thankfully silent) diarrhea fart. You could see it's progress wafting down the hallway by the startled kids bailing for the exits. Goddamn that was a vile, sulfurous stench.

Did a similar thing on a ride about 15 years ago. We were at the top of the hill all set to go and I unleashed a nasty hangover fart. My mate got a whiff and pedaled off to escape but there was a breeze going in our direction at just the perfect speed so we were in a fart bubble for about 50 meters before we hit fresh air. So we finished the ride and stopped for a beer and burgers sitting outside. I unleashed another one which stunk so bad my mate was dry retching. Outside. With a breeze blowing. Very proud of that effort.

My youngest got a house point from Mr Kent for “the loudest fart I’ve ever heard come out of a child”.

Proud dad moment!

I was walking down the stairs in a large Victorian school all alone (I'm the caretaker) and farted out the longest fart EVER! It was so long that it lasted 2 flights of stairs. Seriously thrice as long as any effort before or since! I couldn't believe it and was laughing out loud in astonishment as I pushed the fire door open to find a teacher stood at the bottom underneath the balcony that opens onto the stairs above.

I was in a group of teachers receiving awards outside in Toorak, Melbourne, we'd had a heavy sesh and barbie the night before and I thought I could subtly sneak one out. It was a hot day with still air and I produced an immobile miasma. It was so ghastly the bloke next to me said very loudly 'it wasn't me', I was reduced to tears of embarrassed laughter and squirmed when I got my certificate.

I'm not sure why this popped into my YouTube feed, either because I love farting, or it's just round the corner from where I live!

Quite sweary btw.

The night workers in the warehouse at the current place I'm at play Fartleships at night. The racking is 10 aisles deep with each aisle having 14 bays so easy to make into a grid. If someone drops one then everyone who hears it has to call out a reference number (5:4 is aisle 5 bay 4 for example). The difficulty is that the place is rather echoey so hard to pinpoint a noise a lot of the time. If you get hit there are forfeits but I haven't had the courage to ask what they are!

When I was a junior doctor, I would sometimes drop a stinker so bad (on the wards) that the nurses would mutter "or Mr X has soiled himself again..>" and gather up the kit to go clean him up.

I didn't have the decency to stop them and admit it was me.... eek!

DrP

Resurrection of this thread has made this Friday a much better day.

On holiday in Italy we were staying in an old town house on the 3rd floor. The lift was barely large enough for two people. On the way back from our meal my then girlfriend (now my Wife) was walking unusually quickly through the streets with me struggling to keep up. We'd both managed a fair few drinks. As soon as we got in the lift and the doors shut she let an enormous one go. She'd held it in all the way back from the restaurant so she could release it in the confines of the lift for my enjoyment only. It was then I knew she was a keeper!

Heading out to sea on a dive boat, gorgeous blue skies and flat calm, it was a fantastic boat with a huge wheelhouse/cabin and plenty of places to sit. Then one of us, let's call him "Gordon the veggie who had curry last night" drops something so bad that he clears the entire wheelhouse in seconds, skipper included but that wasn't enough. Even standing on the deck the stench was oozing out so the skipper grabbed someone's cylinder and mask then with his own air supply he headed back in to the red zone so he could put us into a gentle turn so the waft went overboard and saved the rest of us.

I played rugby at uni.

We were training one Sunday morning, after a particularly heavy beer and curry night - so everyone was already pretty hungover.
As the forwards packed down against the scummaging machine, I stuck my arse into the tunnel and let rip. I think it actually made my eyes water as it was coming out, it was so spicy.
Cue the scrum to collapse, dry heaving everywhere and the hooker was actually sick... followed by me, the skinny fullback, legging it to safety across the pitch.

an auntie of mine was at one of my cousin's parents' night. each group of parents queued outside the classroom before being invited in by the teacher when ready.

nearest the door, some seats had been placed in the corridor. my auntie attempted to 'sit down' next to the last chair, not realising there was no chair beneath her.

as it quickly dawned on her - she was falling, she let rip loudly and flapped her arms in a vain attempt to stay on her feet but fell down and rolled onto the floor inelegantly in a farty blushing heap.

the entire corridor filled with other parents and the freshly emerged teacher burst into fits of laughter. my auntie is still mortified by this!!

haha