[Closed] dodgy office goings on

A finance assistant who didn't know what to do with cheques received by the department - so she stuffed them down the back of the radiator behind her desk. For years.

Eddie stobart wagon swerving all over the M6, as i passed i could see him knocking one out at the wheel.

so she stuffed them down the back of the radiator behind her desk

its just taken 3 women to put up the office christmas tree...

A business I worked for had a new MD join.

A few weeks later a new sales person " he knew" joined the business. This was when redundancies in other pars of the business was occurring.

Turns out he was shagging her.

Two business i know have employed individuals who are not who they say they are. One was a thief and the other one was away with the fairies.

One sales guy headbutted what he thought was a plastic partition. It wasn't it was glass which shattered over a female employee on the other side. He wasn't sacked for that. Nor was he sacked for throwing another sales guy through the double door entrance. That was in the 80's though.

I sold windows for a while in my youth which was a total scream. On one sale we all got high and they got the windows at cost.

slowmart, I need more of your stories!
I once worked at a machine shop for a short while. The accountant was nicknamed R2D2 as he wandered into offices making bleeping noises. He was caught stroking one out whilst sitting in the MD's chair one evening.

maccruiskeen - Member
A finance assistant who didn't know what to do with cheques received by the department - so she stuffed them down the back of the radiator behind her desk. For years.

Now that is funny!

Someone I worked with had a drink problem (at work) and despite immersing herself in a seething cauldron of perfume you could still smell it.

She used to try and disguise her habit in the most childish ways imaginable but sadly she didn't fool anyone. After jumping through all the disciplinary hoops she was suspended and eventually drank herself to death.

Tragic she was a lovely person but she couldn't beat the booze.

Ok this is not one of mine, but a good friend told me of an incident at his mill a few years ago.

One of the female accounts staff cycled into work regularly and left her bike at the bottom of the stairs into the first floor offices from the mill floor.

At lunch time she came out of the office to pop out for dinner and caught red handed one of the floor lads sniffing her saddle, full length.

Cant recall the implications but he was proper banged to rights.

One of my former colleagues was sent to the far east to do some work. Whilst out there he engaged the services of some local ladies of the night. He videoed the ensuing entertainment, asking them to namecheck the company midway through. Our owner saw it. He wasn't fired. His wife saw it. He was divorced.

Every office I've worked in there always at least one major fatty. A man or woman whose sheer bulk could've carried it's own gravitational field.

Again a friend of a friend story... Think he was working for Orange or somesuch in Bristol. He was a dead-cool surfer type: blond, tanned, toned, good looking and married to an underwear model. He was caught cracking one off in a cubicle in the Ladies, and using a mirror on the floor (under the partition) to watch the female occupant in the next cubicle.

I kid you not.

I heard that some people spend most of the day at work posting on internet forums, I don't believe anyone can have time for that.

A manager at my first place of work would "motivate" the staff by bringing a baseball bat to meetings. Basically what he said was gospel, or else. If you had the pleasure of being called up to his office for additional motivation he would sit and punch a teddy, explaining that it would be you next.

I didn't believe any of it at first, but the fist baseball bat meeting with him in the affectionately called war room confirmed it. I was a bit intimidated to say the least. However, when i was called up to the office fro some minor indiscretion, the punching teddy bear thing made me burst out laughing.

On one sale we all got high and they got the windows at cost.

I think your customer posted the same story on here a couple of weeks back.

Oh, no, it was TV sales.

http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/how-abusive-can-you-be-to-cold-callers#post-4402852

Is the guy in Spacemonkey's vid doing what I think he's doing with the finger on his left hand?? Dear god... 🙄

Edit: Ah, too hot for Drac's tastes? 😉

I used to work with a guy who was caught in the ladies toilets collecting pubes from the under the toilet seats.
He had a matchbox that he used to store his (other peoples) pubes.

My nickname for him was not so imaginative: "The Pube-Collector".

He wasn't fired :-O

Ah, too hot for Drac's tastes?

Not all, it was funny but it breaks the rules on here.

My nickname for him was "The Pube-Collector"

Why? Oh wait I get it now.

people are farckin animals hahaha

I've worked with a guy who IV'd amphetamines. He was a very productive worker!

He had a matchbox that he used to store his (other peoples) pubes.

My nickname for him was not so imaginative: "The Pube-Collector".

[img] http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTH1UW2NpXyq6YS_zCVu-M0uapOyPw9f3QIUIFygyHKAoziROJMe7vg4kfC [/img]

Love this thread!

Have worked in some pretty mental sales offices in my earlier career - hourly call stat KPIs, no seats, miss your KPI and then have to hold the only chair in the office above your head for the next 15 minutes while you carry on pitching. Drop it and get sacked.

Bosses nicking leads and keeping the commission on deals.

Physical punchups between sales reps to get the best leads (deliberately put out to several to create a dog eat dog culture).

While it was a nasty, tough environment at the time, looking back I laugh lots and actually realise it's made me incredibly resilient but also very aware of stuff NOT to do now I am a sale manager myself. But there will always be an element where I think back on it fondly in a "train hard fight easy" kind of way..... 🙂

I could tell you a few stories about the company I work for involving the owner and his secretary, the MD and his secretary, the boardroom table, some unpleasant surprises and some overheard conversations but I need my job for another nine years and most of the characters involved are still here. Suffice to say that "you couldn't make it up"!

Contractor at one of our overseas sites fell in love with a local 'lady', who mostly stayed with him in his accomodation when he was there.
It took him a stupidly long time to reaslise that when he was on rotation she mostly stayed with anyone and everyone else, and that this was her living.
He went loopy, blamed the company for allowing it to happen and spent 3 years waging war trying to get the company prosecuted for anything and everything you can imagine - finally declared a 'vexatious litigant' by judge.
He was most definitely fired.

I could tell you a few stories about the company I work for involving the owner and his secretary, the MD and his secretary, the boardroom table, some unpleasant surprises and some overheard conversations but I need my job for another nine years and most of the characters involved are still here. Suffice to say that [b]"you couldn't make it up"![/b]

Pics, or you made it up 😉

Sales Director leaving a voicemail on who he thought was a colleague's phone but was in fact the owners eldest son who worked for the business.

He then dedicated the next few minutes verbally assassinating the MD, the MD's wife who worked in accounts and their two salesman sons.

Not one week had passed then the sale manager left a disparaging voicemail about the same eldest son on his voicemail.

Both kept their jobs but sent to Coventry.

Which says it all.

I work in education, the amount of shagging that goes on is amazing. Almost half the staff are on their second marriges and all to members of staff who they worked with. The stories are off the chart.

1) A Tester who was obsessed with Goth Porn - 3 warnings and he still didn't learn - so he got sacked.

2) Also worked with a suspected former terrorist who attempted to assassinate the King of Spain - true story!

Every office I've worked in there always at least one major fatty. A man or woman whose sheer bulk could've carried it's own gravitational field.

[img] [/img]

Wife's work (a large, well known insurance company):

Rather nasty chap, obese, smelly, rude, turns out to be having an affair with woman in his team, who is useless, but amazingly been getting promotions.

Wife of nasty chap finds out. Is not pleased. She finds a business continuity document he has left at home. This has many many senior people's email addresses. Including the MD's.

Wife of nasty chap emails all the people on the business continuity list photos of nasty chap in compromising positions in a gimp suit.

Friend of wife also slaps useless girl in office. Gets suspended.

Nasty chap & useless girl still work there.

True story. I've seen the pictures.

Drac - Moderator
I heard that some people spend most of the day at work posting on internet forums, I don't believe anyone can have time for that.

Private sector innit.

I came back from lunch only to stumble on a colleague who was cracking one out while watching internet pron during lunch break. He nearly had a heart attack when he saw me appearing in front of the door. He tried to pretend he was working and nothing was happening with one of his hand kind of like pressing onto his trouser to prevent his budgy coming out ... and spoke to me in a rather high voice tone. I just pretend I did not know what he was doing and went out for a fag. Thinking back I could have jumped around the office laughing my head off ... 😈

not strictly an office tale, but...

about a thousand years ago in australia i worked in a drive through off licence. the manager was always super keen to do extra work in one of the other branches that had a shop element as well, one day he told me why.

under the main shop floor was a cellar, and a hole had been strategically drilled in the floor at the excact spot where folk stood to pay at the til. so when an exceedingly easy on the eyes young lady would be buying booze they would take it in turns to run down below and have a look up her skirt.

and no, i never did.

I know a chap through work...

...who chopped his wife's head off!

True story - I've known of him for a number of years, but he now works at a company I used to work for. Caught her in bed with another fella and flipped. Did time for it, but a lenient sentence for a 'crime of passion'.

True story. I've seen the pictures.

fairs fair - having told the story you are obliged BY STW LAW to share said pics pronto!

An ex boss of mine told me of a call centre for a major telecommunications provider where there was active drug dealing and prostitution with many goings on in the stair wells. Apparently there was fighting over everything eventually most of the staff were replaced.

Too many stories to recall

One lad I managed I listened in on a tel conv between him and his drug dealer. I sacked him and gave all drug dealers info (telephone number/address) to the police

I 'know' someone who used sick room and quiet areas of office building for sex. Ahem

Worked in a town centre police station about 20 years ago, from the 4th floor you could see into the cubicles of the registrars office across the street
Apparently the office girls regularly watched a lad having a waank through the frosted glass
Not sure if he knew or not

A production company in Bristol I used to freelance for got a big contract in London. The owner of the London company is a genuine monster of a human being, a mainstay of the Guardian and Private Eye ire.

Our boss took us all out to dinner about 2.5 months into the contract and declared himself petrified. He had just attended a meeting where the monster had tried to make a magazine editor eat a copy of his magazine because it was a ****ing disgrace. On leaving the meeting our boss remarked how awful this was, the woman he spoke to replied "oh it was quite a quiet one today last week he threw a chair through a window and locked another director in a cupboard for an hour"

A colleague of mine appeared yesterday to confess that he has been boffing his PA and she is pregnant and what would his wife and 3 kids think ? I had little, very little, sympathy for him.

Oops!

worked at a bar at uni where two girls thought it would be fun to come to work off their tiny minds on acid. one ended up crying in a ball on the floor. Other f'ked off and we never saw her again.

worked in a restaurant that employed some girl that wasn't very bright. We ran out of creuset's and turns out she had been binning them rather than washing them because it was 'too hard' to clean them. £££'s

Similar to one above- worked in an insurance company where some chap seconded from another company was simply putting cheques in a box as he did not know what he was doing. B'shitted his way through for 6 months , disappeared leaving a world of 5hit behind him (and about £600,00 worth of cheques.

Last one, went into work on a saturday to pick something up (I had office keys) only to catch my boss(female) shagging someone else from the office. 1pm on a sat in an air conditioned office. The mind boggles .....nice tits though 😀

A good few years ago my manager took a sababtical and we got a tempory manager instead.
One day I couldnt get into the office as there was a chair wedged under the door handle . He manoevered it out the way and was blithering on about it being used for a meeting .
He was out the door within a week for downloading pron and forgetting to clear the history .

I worked in an independent sport shop on Saturdays/school holidays when I was still at school. As part of a shopping centre we had a lift behind the shop to take us up to the lock up areas and staff toilets shared by other shops.

The boss regularly came back into the shop and tell us (his words) "some filthy f*cker has Harry Monked up the toilet cubicle door again".

Trouble is no one else ever saw any Harry Monk (or anything else that could be construed to be it) on the cubicle doors. So we think he used to go up there and crack one out.

My mate works at an insurance company in Ipswich where the disabled toilets are regularly used for 'monkey's fag breaks'.

TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsSTR - Member
I know a chap through work...

...who chopped his wife's head off!

True story - I've known of him for a number of years, but he now works at a company I used to work for. Caught her in bed with another fella and flipped. Did time for it, but a lenient sentence for a 'crime of passion'.

That's scary so do I, guess there must be more than one person who has chopped his wife's head off!!

I think it was my first ever Christmas do and one guy decided to hammer the bar. As sure as night follows day he got legless and was asked by the restaurant owner to leave.

They called him a taxi and asked him to wait on the village green. When he was collected by the taxi he was so drunk he couldn't remember his address. The unsympathetic taxi driver then drove him to the local nick as he was promptly arrested. He wasn't sacked.

Turns out the guy had a drink problem and dropped down dead a year or so later.

The IT Director at a previous company sent an e-mail round asking who had been trying to access an escort agency website called "Northern Angels". Turns out it was the MD!

Back in the sport shop, we used to have walkie talkies so we could request anyone in the lock up to send down trainers/football boots down in the lift for customers to try on..... We quite often used to take them to the toilet with us and keep the button pressed so that we broadcast us going to the loo to any customers in the shop - embarassing whoever was carrying a walkie talkie.

That's scary so do I, guess there must be more than one person who has chopped his wife's head off!!

Don't be ridiculous! How many heads do you think his wife has?

I used to work at a 'bistro' in Bolton when I was a student. Seemed respectable but turns out local 'hards' used to frequent alng with the men that 'ran' the local doormen (before it was regulated).

(someone turned up with a double barrel one night when I wasnt working at 3am when it had shut and loosed off a couople of rounds whilst staff still there)

One night I was cleaning up at 2.30am and some fella's turned up. Club was snow empty and basically what proceeded was an organised fist fight between our new bouncer and one of this group, with the dancefloor as a makeshift ring. Was told in no uncertain terms, to keep out of the way "it'll be over soon" - I was 17 and shit miself.

There was a couple in my work that had a baby together, the baby looked a little bit Latin, representatives from the Brazilian Navy had been in work around 9 months previously.....

Then there was the guy that built a kit car whilst 'working' on nightshift.

And, of course, the girl that ended up on youporn

Girl from IT was caught in a cupboard with 2 blokes from another office. To her enormous credit, once the rumour mill was at full tilt she pitched in "Well <first guy> gave it his best effort, but he had to get reinforcements, so really it was just like having one actual man".

I know a girl thats been an escort and been in razzle. Nowt to do with work mind and knew her as a teenager before any of this happened.

@ stevewhyte - his name isn't Frank is it by any chance?

Not exactly work related, but I live on a Main Road with traffic lights right outside my house and one morning I opened my bedroom curtains to see a double decker bus outside stopped at the lights.

A young lad on the top deck was having a good old Barclays Bank looking out of the windows at the young lady in the car behind 😯

What's the dodgiest thing you've seen/heard at work?

A chap in a dark field roughing up the suspect. With his other arm elbow deep in a pony.

(Wasn't a colleague though, so might not count).

Previous job I was in, one of the senior staff suddenly disappeared, and I found out that he'd been sent packing, instant dismissal, after he was seen spanking the monkey at his desk in the main office upstairs, one of those sort of open plan with shoulder-high dividers. 😯
Nobody could quite understand just what he was thinking... 😉

Again, thinking back through the years there are quite a few.

During my time at the Head Office of a major retailer there was a girl who was engaged to be married to a copper, but was having illicit shags in the bogs and changing rooms of the staff shop with some bloke in IT. She was also extremely friendly with another girl who she just brought along randomly to someone's leaving do - despite the fact her fiance was there. He just looked defeated by the whole thing.

Where I am currently, one of the IT lads got caught on the CCTV getting noshed off by one of the rough-arse warehouse women at a summer barbecue.

Don't shit where you eat!

I must say, top marks to the OP - one of the best threads in ages. Well done!

I heard this just today.

Chap sends raunchy email to colleague with final 'and don't tell HR ha ha!' comment. Silly twit then accidently CC'd Director of HR. He was walked off the site when he turned up for work the next day.

A customer of mine who is a manager for a telecoms company was up until very recently a pron star, a good few if the office lads had seen her work.

My favourite is at a fancy dress day for comic relief our ex office manger glasses a salesman...whilst she was dressed as a cockroach...because he wouldn't pay his fancy dress fee. She no longer works here...

Not really dodgy but funny nonetheless...

There were three DC's in the office on some mundane enquiry when the conversation turned to what they did to get their respective wives turned on. As the conversation turned bluer, big Craig, who isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, pipes up with

"If I want to turn Sandra on I just reach between her legs and tickle her scrotum"

He spent the next five minutes getting increasingly angry and shouting 'What's so f kin funny?" as the other two rolled around on the floor.

"Craig, do you know what a scrotum is?"

"It's the bit between her fanny and her arse"

"No you retard, your scrotum is your ballbag".

They had to run away then before he killed one of them.

An entirely true story.

No it's not frank.

A girl who worked at the next desk to me had an affair with one of our HGV drivers. They were like a couple of teenagers, her more than him to be honest. There was no shame and she used to almost waltz around the place. She told her husband and two kids she was leaving the life of 2.4 children for a new life with her driver friend. He on the other hand got cold feet and decided to call the whole thing off and stay with his wife.
oh my lord...!!! 😯

I now understand the true meaning of the saying [i]"hell hath no fury like a woman scorn".[/i] She was an absolute nightmare for years after that and I mean years.

Many, many years ago I worked in a pub ran by a Canadian chap and his wife.
Came in to work one Sunday lunch to find the pub crawling with rozzers..."under age drinkers?? I asked, the reply, "no mate, we've arrested your boss, he has been running a brothel upstairs for the last 6 months"
Bar steward never even offered me any freebies!..

I work in education, the amount of shagging that goes on is amazing. Almost half the staff are on their second marriges and all to members of staff who they worked with. The stories are off the chart.

every school and hospital ward in the land

teachers and nursing staff are without a doubt the worst offenders when it comes to shagging in the work place

A) employees shagging each other In the toilets
B) employees shagging each other on the MD's office couch (those two were encouraged to leave
C) employee caught doing lines in the toilet
D) someone left a poo balanced on the large pipe at the back of a toilet once
E) food theft from the fridge
F) fighting
G) one bloke turned up pissed at 10am and stood on his desk, dropped his cacks and set fire to his pubes, that was funny.

Had an italian car sales man where I used to work , he was about to put the " car of the week " on the 6 foot ramp , when I asked him if he could drive an automatic ? Offended at me casting doubt at his red blooded Italian driving skills , he jumped in the car floors it and launched off the end of the ramp with the car going full throttle , cleared a good 10 foot dukes of Hazard style and wrote the car off and a Chinese take away sign as well !!! Apparently his foot got stuck going for the clutch that obviously wasn't there !!!

Just another kray-zee day at HMRC eh, kryton....

Guy where I used to work spent a lot of time on the phone speaking to an (unknown) lady. That is, having 'phone sex' with her. This is an open plan office.
One day he asks her to 'wipe herself with a tissue'. Couple of days later he had mail. You guessed it....
He was known for openly surfing porn but our IT bods must have been clueless as that was never 'found'.
He was ultimately caught bang to rights - a colleague spots him surfing. Sends message to the team boss to go out of the office and come back via the other stairs, bringing him out right behind our man...

We also had the 'Phantom Shiter'. He would always use the same cubicle, same floor, leaving a truly disgusting mess pretty much every day...

Too many stories of drink, drugs and 'who was sh*gging' who at sales conferences.

Ah, the good old days...

Two directors of one of my former employers left their respective partners, and took up residence in the flat above the office.

One day the cleaners reported that the mirrors in the lift had been damaged. Security reviewed the CCTV of the lift and discovered how they came to be broken - they'd been recreating the scene from the Stud.

Given that one of the directors had arranged for the CCTV to be installed in the first place, they both left the company due to blatant stupidity!

Back in the sport shop, we used to have walkie talkies so we could request anyone in the lock up to send down trainers/football boots down in the lift for customers to try on..... We quite often used to take them to the toilet with us and keep the button pressed so that we broadcast us going to the loo to any customers in the shop - embarassing whoever was carrying a walkie talkie.

My girlfriend makes documentaries. She works alone, shooting and doing her own sound. You have two sound channels on the camera and two wireless mics. She was filming in a rough old pub in Glasgow and while she was filming one guy another had wandered off still mic'd up, so while she was shooting she had the sound of someone have a pretty bad time of it in the gents in her earphones.

We also had the 'Phantom Shiter'. He would always use the same cubicle, same floor, leaving a truly disgusting mess pretty much every day...

always love the employee with shit issues. 'dirty protest' as Alan Partridge would say

rickmeister - Member
Just another kray-zee day at HMRC eh,

I don't work for hmrc....?

Have worked in some pretty mental sales offices in my earlier career - hourly call stat KPIs, no seats, miss your KPI and then have to hold the only chair in the office above your head for the next 15 minutes while you carry on pitching. Drop it and get sacked.

Bosses nicking leads and keeping the commission on deals.

Physical punchups between sales reps to get the best leads (deliberately put out to several to create a dog eat dog culture).

Plenty of IT disties, e.g Ideal, had that kind of rep in the 90s. A hangover from the yuppie/Loadsamoney era IMO. Likewise plenty of to55ers in high places.

We also had the 'Phantom Shiter'. He would always use the same cubicle, same floor, leaving a truly disgusting mess pretty much every day

We had one of those at school. We had to walk a good 15 minutes to get to our playing field for rugby on a Friday afternoon. We'd get changed, go out, play rugby in the freezing cold, come back in to get changed and nearly every week someone would shout 'uuuuurrrrgh' as they found the phantom's work.

The teachers started locking the changing rooms when we all outside playing rugby, but the phantom continued to strike - and was never caught. My theory is that whoever was behind this was [u]pre-doing[/u] it back at school then transporting the 'goods' in a plastic bag for later use.

Either that or it was one of the teachers..............

Obviously someone with 'issues', but they became a school legend!

Mrs. S worked at a college some years back. A security guard had a habit of disconnecting the flush mechanism in the ladies' toilets, waiting for a customer and then seizing the unflushed stool to add to a growing collection in his locker. He was fired after a surveillance operation fingered him. Eugh.