A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's
never been out of the garden."
Your wife has alopecia, I'll look forward to GI Jane 2.
Sorry, I could not resist.
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
You get a wooly jumper
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a cow?
you get a baaaaaad moooood
What to you get if you cross The Atlantic with The Titanic?
You get about half way.
What do you call a man with a sea gull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug
Whenever I try and explain or describe something I always seem to use a fictional narrative or imagery to explain what I mean. I think I suffer from chronic allegories.
What did Chris Rock find on his face this morning?
Fresh Prints.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that lies on the floor?
Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs balanced on a plinth?
Art.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that lies on the floor?
Matt.
Oi.
I resemble that joke.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
bob
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a paper bag?
russel
what do call a monkey in a minefield?
a baboom
whays brown and smells of pine?
a poo in a radox bath
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak.
what's ET short for?
cos he's got little legs
I just saw a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.
It was a lamb bikini 😐
Why did the monkey fall out the tree?
Cos it was dead.
Why did the chicken fall out the tree?
Cos it was stapled to the monkey!
Whats red and invisible?
No tomatoes
Why did the baker have smelly fingers?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me !!
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
Why did the monkey fall out the tree?
Cos it was dead.
Why did the 2nd monkey fall out the tree?
Cos it was stapled to the 1st monkey
Why did the 3rd monkey fall out the tree?
Cos it thought it was a game
Why did the tree fall over?
Cos it thought it was a monkey
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphry
What do you call a camel with 4 humps?
Saudi Quattro
Why do they call the camel the Ship of the Desert?
Because it is full of Arab seamen
How do you get 4 elephants in a mini?
2 in the front and 2 in the back
How can you tell if there is an elephant in the fridge?
Footprints in the butter
How can you tell if there are 2 elephants in the fridge?
Sounds of giggling
How can you tell if there are 3 elephants in the fridge?
You can't shut the door
How can you tell if there are 4 elephants in the fridge?
There is an empty mini parked outside
Who do you get 2 whales in a mini?
Down the M4 and over the bridge
I spent a lot of my childhood on long boring car journeys.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
What's brown and sticky?
....a stick.
What's green and hangs from trees?
.... giraffe snot.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
What does 100mph on a washing line?
Hondapants
(Literally the only joke I can remember. I am not fun at parties)
What’s brown and sticky?
My Beyoncé poster…….
What did the pirate say 1 year after he turned 79?
Aye Matey.
What’s brown and sticky?
My Beyoncé poster…….
The joke for all occasions, anyone risking a ban for ver3?
What do you call a woman who throws all her bills in the fire?
Bernadette.
Why's Edward Woodward got so many D's in his name?
Because without them he'd be E-war Woo-war
We're a big fan of comedy here, my wife loves knob gags.
I can't ever persuade her to wear one though.
1: My wife went on holiday recently.
2. Jamaica?
1. No, she went of her own choice.
1: My wife went on holiday recently.
2. Jamaica?
1. No, she went of her own choice.
My wife went to Indonesia.
Jakarta?
No, she went by plane.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me !!
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
Oi.
I resemble that joke.
Bon, Darth Vader se trouve dans la boulangerie.
Alors, tu sais ce qu'il commande?
Il commande deux tartes tatin et trois pains.
Et tu sais comment il leur commande?
PAIN, PAIN, PAIN, TARTE TATIN, TARTE TATIN...
Bon, Darth Vader se trouve dans la boulangerie.
Alors, tu sais ce qu’il commande?
Il commande deux tartes tatin et trois pains.
Et tu sais comment il leur commande?
PAIN, PAIN, PAIN, TARTE TATIN, TARTE TATIN…
Possibly a crap joke if you're French, but I thought that was pretty classy
What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
– Edward Woodward
What do you call a man made entirely of body parts?
– Tony Hancock
I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it's a bit cheesy
What’s blue and fluffy?
Blue fluff.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Blue fluff holding its breath.
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.
An alligator can live to be 100 years old which is why there is an high chance it will see you later.
Janet Street-Porter goes into a bar and says "Could I have a large aperitif?" The barman replies "its unlikely darling".
Why do you never see elephants playing hide and seek? Because they're good at it.
I went to the zoo last weekend. There was only a small long-haired dog there. It was a Shih Tzu.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.
Did you hear about the French fishmonger who killed his cheating wife and her lover?
French police are calling it a crime of poisson.
Beethoven joue le piano
Orange, Orange, Orange,
Hmm, non, non, non,
Banane, banane, banane,
Hmm, non, non, non,
Pomme, Pomme Pomme!!!!
My sister works at the gas board if you want to meet her? (Meet her, meter - Geddit??)
What do you call a man who's been dead for 300yrs? Pete
What do you call a man who's legs have been cut off at the knees? Neil
What do you call a fisherman who's legs have been cut of at the knees? Rodney
What cheese do you use to lure a bear out of the woods? Camembert
A polar bear walks into a bar and says "can I have a ..........................................................................................................................................pint of beer?"
Barman says "what's with the big pause?"
A liar, a racist and a misogynist walk into a pub and the barman says 'what can I get you Boris?'
I went to the zoo last weekend. There was only a small long-haired dog there. It was a Shih Tzu.
I think I've been to the same zoo. When I visited they just had a cage with a baguette in it. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
What cheese do you use to lure a bear out of the woods? Camembert
What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?
Mascarpone.
My girlfriend loves cheese so much, she had me paint her in the stuff. Twice.
I double-glossed her.
What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?
Halloumi.
What did the weight conscious cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?
Thank god I'm not feta
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug
What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.
A photon checks into a hotel, where the receptionist asks where its suitcase is.
The photon replies, “I didn’t bring any luggage. I’m traveling light.
Q: Why can’t you trust an atom?
A: They make up everything.
Q: What does a mathematician do about constipation?
A: He works it out with a pencil.
1: My wife went on holiday recently.
2. Jamaica?
1. No, she went of her own choice.My wife went to Indonesia.
Jakarta?
No, she went by plane.
My wife doesn't know where to go on holiday.
Alaska?
I already did.
My neighbour just won the World Championship for most washing hung out in an hour. He was quite emotional when I asked him about it, he said "Its a lot to take in".
What's green, got six legs and if it fell out of a tree and hit you on the head it would kill you?
A snooker table.
What's green and red and goes round and round very fast?
A frog in a blender.
A photon checks into a hotel, where the receptionist asks where its suitcase is.
The photon replies, “I didn’t bring any luggage. I’m traveling light.
That's not crap, it's brilliant and I'm totally stealing it.
Every Halloween, the tabloids all run stories about vampires - but you never see any in The Mirror.
What's another word for a Thesaurus?
There's a mummy balloon a daddy balloon and a child balloon all going to bed.
Child balloon asks if they can sleep in mummy and daddys bed, No child there's not enough room, go sleep in your own room.
The kid waits until their parents are asleep,
They go to the dad balloon and let a little bit of air out of him, still not enough room.
They then go to the mum balloon and let a bit out air out of her, still not enough room.
Finally they let a little bit of air out of themselves, perfect, gets into their bed and falls asleep.
Mum and Dad wake up in the morning, What are you doing in our bed? We're disappointed with you as you have not only let your mum and dad down but you've let yourself down as well.
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A man tries to enter a club, but the bouncer refuses as he has no tie, he walks back to his car and finds some jump leads, that'll do, makes them into a tie and goes back.
Bouncer turns round, ok i'll let you in just dont start anything.
When I was in Australia they told me the best way to light a bbq was to whack it with a hammer but I could never get it work.l
I just kept hitting snags.
Who is your favourite vampire?
I like the one on Sesame Street
Come off it, he doesn't count
I think you'll find that is exactly what he does!
Bloke down the pub tried to sell me 8 legs of venison for 40 quid
I thought that's too dear
Went to a bakers and he had every cake on sale in the shop for a pound except a couple on the top shelf that wer £2
I asked what was special about those and he said "those are Madeira cakes"
My wife went on a gambling holiday to the South of France
Toulouse?
Nah, she wants to win something if she can.
What game do you play with a wombat?
Wom.
Rimmer:
[trying to demonstrate his flirtation technique] Would you like a worm-do?
Lister:
What's that then?
Rimmer:
Lister, that's not how it works. I ask if you want to join me for a cocktail, you say yes, I ask if you want a worm-do, you say 'what's a worm-do?' and then I say-
Lister:
'Oh, it wriggles along the ground like this.'
What game do you play with a wombat?
Wom.
This. This I like.
Man gets hit right in the gob by a ninja star, 'what kung fu dat den?'
Q: How do you titillate an ocelot?
A: Oscillate it's tits a lot.
What goes black white black white black white?
A nun rolling down a hill.
Emergency exits.
I hear they are on the way out.
I wasn't very hungry yesterday so I just grabbed a kids meal from McDonalds.
His Mum was livid.
I am glad all the usual suspects are present and correct.
Q: If it takes a fly a week to walk a fortnight, how long does it take to sandpaper an elephant down to a greyhound?
A: A lemon.
Emergency exits.
I hear they are on the way out.
Corduroy pillow cases:
They're making headlines, y'know...
What goes black white black white black white?
A nun rolling down a hill.
What goes black white hee hee hee?
The nun that pushed her.
Are you a bit of rope?
No, I am a frayed knot
I fixed the horn on the local Scout group's van.
Beep repaired
What’s the name of that Japanese car thief?
Tommi Tukamota.
The Chinese thug? Chin Yu Won.
The Russian with Covid? Ivor Nastychestikoff.
