I've been using toilet roll and washing my hands since way before it was fashionable. Can we have a coronavirus jokes thread?
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I was in the post office yesterday when two guys came in wearing masks, total panic!
Then one of them took out a gun and said 'this is a robbery' and we all calmed down again.
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A mate has been in hospital for an operation this week. The nurses said that when he was coming round from the anaesthetic he started singing songs by Bing Crosby, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.
They ran some tests and decided he has a case of Crooner Virus
Posted this already, but this is a better place for it
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heard a great one from a colleague but you young people might well have seen it on the social already:
You think there's a toilet roll shortage now? Wait 'til 3 million teenage boys have been at home on their own for a fortnight
The reason toilet rolls are out of stock is because every time anyone hears a cough they shit themselves
I went to the chemist today and asked the lady at the counter “what is the best thing for killing the corona virus.”
She said “ammonia cleaner.”
I said ” oh sorry, i though you worked here.”
Went to Starbucks the other day, the barista was wearing a facemask as she gave me my latte.
Noticing I looked concerned she said: "don't worry love, it's only a coughy filter."
Chuck Norris has tested positive.
The virus is now in quarantine for 14 days.
In light of recent panic buying, UK supermarkets have introduced purchase limits.
Asda: 2 hand sanitisers, 24 toilet rolls max
Tesco: 1 hand sanitiser, 18 toilet rolls and 2 kg of rice
Co-op: 12 rolls toilet paperm 1 kg of rice
Aldi: 2 Trumpets, 1 diving suit and a MIG welder
Nick, you forgot:
Waitrose: 2 lobsters, 4 quails eggs, 1 case of Dom Perignon
I see Trumps been tested. Be funny if he’s infected by a virus from China with a Mexican name!
With the toilet roll shortage, perhaps now is a good time to learn to use the 3 seashells.
The World Health Organisation have confirmed that canines cannot carry or transmit coronavirus and have ordered that all animals currently being held in quarantine be realeased.
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WHO let the dogs out.
Up until recently I used to disguise a fart with a cough, nowadays I'm disguising a cough with a fart.
There's a guy who's just gone out and bought 27 new vehicles.
He's got car owner virus.
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Since everyone has started washing their hands, the peanuts in the pub have lost their taste.
How many Covid-19 carriers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter, someone already bought all the lightbulbs.
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WHO let the dogs out.
Splendid. Well done that man
That pun was not to be sneezed at.
In Scandinavia they call it the money virus
I got tested at one of those mobile places, it came up positive for the little-known R-mutation of the virus Corvid19. They said it was nothing to crow about.
What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
One’s a corona virus and the other is a Verona crisis.
I got tested at one of those mobile places, it came up positive for the little-known R-mutation of the virus Corvid19. They said it was nothing to crow about.
Careful there. If you spread it you could be guilty of attempted murder.
Do what Eric says
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BREAKING CORONA VIRUS NEWS
It's reported that the Scottish government is banning all gatherings of more than 5000 people.
As a result the benefits office in Airdrie will be closed until further notice.
Home games at Airdrie FC are unaffected.
We've run out of toilet paper so I've taken to wiping my bum with lettuce leaves. I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Now we that everyone is washing their hands, has anyone noticed that the nuts on the bar at the pub taste different?
I've just got rid of all our old bottles of shampoo. They say it's pre existing conditioner that's killing everyone but you can't be too careful.
Now that everyone is washing their hands, has anyone noticed that the nuts on the bar at the pub tasting different is being reported by lots of people who probably shouldn't be going to pubs during a global epidemic?
Won't somebody please think of the children oldies?
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Covid 19 - Fort William 0
Early adopters are already queuing up for Covid 20.
Went into my local Tesco yesterday and bought 37 bags of pasta, the Mrs said what have you bought 37 bags of pasta for ? I said ‘because they didn’t have anymore !
A Rastafarian chum and I were strolling along the beach this afternoon when we happened upon a group of wood ants attempting to heave a section of driftwood across the pebbles. This was plainly gruelling work given the insects tiny size and the treacherous surface and we couldn't help but admire their team work and tenacity. We the heard however a tiny voice calling out to them from a nearby rock pool. "Oi ants, yer won't get that up the beach yer bunch of wazzocks. My nana could do better that that. You've no chance, give it up you six legged pillocks". Well, as you can imagine, I was outraged, how could a lazy whelk be so cruel and hypocritical. My Rastafarian chum however was far more sanguine about the whole affair and simply shrugged and said "So shell dissed ants ting". And we said no more about it.
Chuck Norris has tested positive.
The virus is now in quarantine for 14 days.
It's onlly Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante Province of France. Otherwise it's just Sparkling Isolation
I'm banking on reverse psychology to defeat the virus. I'll welcome it with open arms then I'm going to ______ the sucker.
Breaking news
France declares war on the corona virus
Breaking news
France surrenders to the corona virus.
I bet the person that invented hand sanitiser is rubbing their hands right now.
In Germany they have have been preparing for imminent quarantine by panic buying cheese and sausages...
It's the würst käse scenario
Those people who are moaning about having to spend so much time at home should spare a thought for the people who’s livelihoods are going to be impacted most during the outbreak - burglars.
A local Tesco being quite blunt with their advice
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😂
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All the borders in Scandavia have been shut.
No-one will be crossing the Finnish Line
Found a dead jackdaw this morning.
Turned out it was Corvid19
(with acknowledgements to my daughter for that one)
It was pretty chaotic in Tesco last night. There was a rather large lady blocking the aisle, stuffing every she could from the Italian section into her trolley. I couldn't get pasta.
A man goes to the doctor and says ‘I’ve just got back from north western Spain and I don’t feel too well’. The doctor says ‘you’ve probably got A Coruña virus’.
Leo, Boris, Trump, Pope Francis & Mary a ten year old Irish girl were on a flight with just 4 parachutes . As the plane went down they were short one parachute, they agreed Leo should go first when he said 'I need to sort out the corona virus in Ireland,I need one ' & off he went, Boris was next and said 'Im the smartest man in England, I simply cannot die, I have to survive', and out he jumped with a parachute, next was Trump and he said 'I'm need to keep America great and sort out this corona virus' and out he jumped.. one parachute left, Pope Francis said , little Mary you take it, I have lived a good life, you are young with your whole life ahead of you... take it. Mary replied.. it's ok Francis, there's two parachutes left, the smartest man in England took my school bag.
I've just realised why people are bulk-buying TP.
It's the Cornholiovirus.
Found a dead jackdaw this morning.
Turned out it was Corvid19
Probably attempted murder.
Turns out I’ve given up pasta, toilet paper and hand sanitiser for Lent
Sod hydration, I'm filling my camelbak with hand sanitiser.
The shortage of toilet rolls has presented an outstanding business opportunity.
A mobile bidet service.
I've been advertising for customers, but the only people interested are a bunch of dirty arseholes...
Not tried embedding a video before so hope this will work
Edit: Ok that failed, how do you embed a video.
Just paste the link as plaintext, the forum deals with it. Edited for you.
... and now I rather wish I hadn't.
… and now I rather wish I hadn’t.
What has been seen cannot be unseen.
