[Closed] A genuine, flabbergasting new low for humanity

Shit story bro.
RM.

Was it a magic poo?
Were there sweetcorn windows in the poo submarine?

Best check lawn for evidence of sausage tampering.

You've upset a local.

No front lawn.

Not sure how we could have upset anyone as barely speak to anyone and have our own parking so no parking in front of anyone else’s house!

"Shit in their recycling box" doesn't have the same ring to it as bombers, sausages and dogs.

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Shit just got real

If it was a green jobby surely it's okay?

I was going to say delivery driver too, but I decided not to smear a whole section of the population like that..

Get CCTV then if they do it again and you know where they live, it'll be revenge time.

Some ideas for you:

Push some through their letter box.
Put some on their car door handles.
Post some in a box to them.
Stick bombs in their car air vents.

I think people have been shitting in bins since bins were invented! 🤪💩🗑

That’s pretty low. I once got caught short and had to do a crap in a church yard within sight of my front door. In my defence I was about 7 years old.

There’s a lot of build up in this story, but i’m still thinking it’d be a clever beastie to hop up for a squat. , cos I can only imagine wheelie bins. I don’t want to imagine any more though.

Not sure how we could have upset anyone as barely speak to anyone

This could be the reason. The rest of the neighbours are a sociable bunch and can’t fathom why the people at number two barely speak. Shit on you they thought but agreed that was a step too far so opted for a safer option

Bet it was your boss.

You don't live in Hove do you?

https://www.theargus.co.uk/news/19364798.hove-family-catch-rogue-diarrhoea-pooer-cctv/

And lo a new STW meme is born

When pissing in someone's shoes doesn't cut it.

Someone took a shit on my drive once. Woke up in the morning to find a colossal Mr Whippy right in the middle of the drive, with a few takeaway napkins obvs used to wipe the dirty bast's ass strewn around. The shitter had obviously gone between the two cars that belonged to my old housemates, who'd then just sloped off to work in the morning leaving me to deal with it. Oh man, the smell... I grabbed a shovel and hoyed the whole lot into the street. trying not to vomit.

Bloody students/booze/takeaways

It is a big problem for delivery drivers and truckers. All public facilities have been closed. Nowhere wants anyone using their facilities.
Stopped in a lay-by on an A toad in Gloucestershire recently. It wasn’t nice.
Of course not condoning this behaviour, bloody revolting.

@Houns

Full Member

And lo a new STW meme is born

You had better hope no-one makes a photo meme of it...

Oops, too late.

Someone had taken a dump. In my green waste bin.

It wasn’t even the food waste or organic matter bin.

It cracked me up that this detail was important. Like, "everyone knows that if you're going to drop a Mississippi Steamer in someone else's bin then you should use the appropriate one. Bunch of savages in this town."

I would say this rules out someone caught short.

Some people are organised enough to carry tissues with them, they make pocket packs and everything. Or could've been the fallout from a sweaty kebab which came with such things.

we are at the end of a private drive of six houses, off a quiet residential street.

Makes it all the more likely to my mind. If you've got the turtle's head then where are you going to go, the main road or some quiet back street?

Incidentally,

Did I ever recount my Bin-gate tale?

You mean, has it bin done before?

Perhaps they couldn't access your chimney?

You mean, has it bin done before?

But has it wheely bin done before?

It’s all very well taking the p*ss out of his predicament, but I think it stinks.

Aye, there's folk begging on the streets, homeless, absolutely lost souls, we're destroying our planet, the rich get richer, even in a pandemic.

But the worst thing, the absolute nadir of humanity is....

A jobbie in a bin.

Next.

Nobeerinthefridge
Aye, there’s folk begging on the streets, homeless, absolutely lost souls, we’re destroying our planet, the rich get richer, even in a pandemic.

And the prize for whataboutist of the year goes to...

gray

Bet it was your boss.

This made me laugh a lot!

You don’t live in Hove do you?

Nope, Bath!

And the prize for whataboutist of the year goes to…

Meh. One man's whataboutery is another man's perspective. 😋

I've been known to order things online, late at night after drinks and then not remember the purchase at all when they're delivered.
Could the OP check his bank statement and report back?

And where exactly would one go to order such a treat?

Asking for a friend.

Aye, there’s folk begging on the streets, homeless, absolutely lost souls, we’re destroying our planet, the rich get richer, even in a pandemic.

But the worst thing, the absolute nadir of humanity is….

A jobbie in a bin.

Next

With the title you’ve given to the thread OP, I’m with nobeer. Couldn’t give a shit.
Edit: no, fair enough. I do sympathise. No good what’s been done to you. But tone down the thread title because…

I once many years ago was working in the far corner of a large housing construction site. I had to build the internal stud walls for a flat.

I loaded out all the timber spread out the drawings on the floor and was ready to go when I realised that I needed nails.

So I walked off to the stores to get the nails, I was probably gone for about 15 minutes. When I got back I found that someone has had a huge shit on the floor and had torn up my drawings to wipe their arse.

I unsurprisingly complained to the site agent but he was completely disinterested and unbelievably claimed that I shouldn't have left the drawings behind.

Mind you he was a right horrible bastard who once put his foot on someone's throat, so it wouldn't have come as a surprise if it was him who had had the shit.

Oh, can i apologise. I genuinely thought that was a toilet.

But tone down the thread title because…

Bloody hell. They say there’s always someone on the internet that doesn’t get the joke. You realise that it’s all a bit tongue in cheek? Did the reference to middle class outrage not give it away?

I’m obviously not happy about a ginormous steaming pile having been left for me to dispose of, but for the avoidance of doubt for the sanctimonious and/or hard of thinking, I do not think it is the absolute worst thing in the world ever.

It’s the second worst.

reeksy

Oh, can i apologise. I genuinely thought that was a toilet.

Now I know how you got your name!

With the title you’ve given to the thread OP, I’m with nobeer. Couldn’t give a shit.

If nothing else then, we can cross you off the suspect list.

Now I know how you got your name!

Hang on a second i'm not a serial bin-pooper, that would be disgusting.

I once discovered a tom-tit on the floor of the large retail store I worked in back in the day. The perp had used a shammy leather to wipe themselves with them covered the turd with it in a bizarre attempt to hide it I suppose?

I learnt an important lesson that day.

Don't go and tell the manager what you've found. If you do you quickly find out who is going to be told to clean it up.

Username checks out 😂

A long time ago the DailyHeil successfully blocked microchipped council waste containers..
Shit-and-Bin technology could easily have identified the offender...but we will never know..

I do not think it is the absolute worst thing in the world ever.

But if you had to make a list of worst things in the world, this would definitely be number two?

Check you home security is adequate.

I found 2 turds on my driveway/behind the car over the space of a fortnight and had 2 bikes stolen the week after. Mentioned it when I reported the theft to the police who explained that heroin addicts are known to have involuntary bowel movements when out mooching.

Hmm, that might make sense actually - there’s been a spate of cars being done over up and down our road/in the area. It’s been going on for weeks, both of ours were done over (in fairness, because I forgot to lock them!!🤪) so perhaps we had scallies out on the rob and they got caught short. Still, impressive foresight to bring the paper towels!

Could be that, I believe curling one off is a known thing during burglaries, nerves I'd imagine.

Manky bastards.

We've had similar,  sh*t and bog roll in the bushes along the side of the street.  I've always assumed local taxi drivers as they tend to park up on the road whilst waiting for a job(bie).

Push some through their letter box.
Put some on their car door handles.
Post some in a box to them.
Stick bombs in their car air vents.

Jeez, it's horrible I know, but that last one seems a bit harsh!

Unless it's 'bombs' as in 'bombs away' when you're, well, doing what someone did to my recycling bin.

I believe curling one off is a known thing during burglaries, nerves I’d imagine.

As above, it's a smack addiction thing.

If you do you quickly find out who is going to be told to clean it up.

You were asking for it with your username, to be fair.

Back to the OP - have you considered going to the local press about it? We'd love to see a picture of you pointing at the bin and holding your nose. You could even let them have the headline off this thread.

🙂

Back to the OP – have you considered going to the local press about it?

Offer them a poop scoop.

OP – have you considered going to the local press about it? We’d love to see a picture of you pointing at the bin and holding your nose.

Nah, our local rag are much more interested in compo faces for perceived slights.

New angle then - compo faeces.

An ex-colleague once went to pick her car up after leaving it in town overnight after post work drinks went on a bit longer than expected, to find that someone had curled one out on the bottom of the windscreen, tbh the position they must’ve got themselves in without doing any damage would have been impressive, were it not so rank.

This was in the post apocalyptic, dystopian wasteland that is downtown Harrogate.

New angle then – compo faeces.

Nah, our local rag are much more interested in compo faces for perceived slights.

Mate, they would bite your arm off. I may have been out of the game for 20 years, but some things will never change.

But we'll understand if you don't fancy, erm, airing your dirty linen in public.

There was a claim on here a few years back that a human turd had been left on the soap shelf in one of the portable showers at Mountain Mayhem. In the Eastnor days it was.

An ex-colleague once went to pick her car up after leaving it in town overnight after post work drinks went on a bit longer than expected, to find that someone had curled one out on the bottom of the windscreen, tbh the position they must’ve got themselves in without doing any damage would have been impressive, were it not so rank.

This was in the post apocalyptic, dystopian wasteland that is downtown Harrogate.

That is absolutely repugnant. It'd be in the air circulation vents. Every time you turned on the blowers you'd get a face full of human shite. Nope. I think I'd literally just abandon that car.

I’ve been known to order things online, late at night after drinks and then not remember the purchase at all when they’re delivered.
Could the OP check his bank statement and report back?

What's it going to show up on a bank statment as?

"£50 - PAID - Services rendered - Honest Ron's vengful Bin shiting service"

Or is ordering a "bin shit hit" online more of a dark web thing?

I do remember years ago going into the bogs of a nice little pub in Gloucestershire to find some Scat-master had smeared their 'product' on pretty much every fitting, fixture and surface, I decided to just just leave it till the next pub. Then I turned round and saw the door handle...

I remember a swimming lesson at school when, as a class, we were told to start swimming laps with a dive at the deep end to the other side of the pool. The first couple of kids set off and did the dive/swim thing only to resurface really quickly and swim like mad for the other side.

Turns out they had seen a turd on the bottom of the pool, wearing toilet roll like a blankie. The Phantom Shitter must have been perched on the diving board to place it where it was.

Pool drained. Pool cleaned, pool filled. Many unhappy people.

Last flat i was in (tenement) about 9pm or so , living on the ground floor I heard the front communal door open, but nobody passed the door, but I was sure someone entered.
Decided to go out. Just caught the end of a private hire taxi driver, who promptly got into his car and drove away fast. He'd used the close as a toilet to relieve himself, and must have been holding it in for a while as the place was awash with urine. That was a big pi55.
Dirty f** Bas*. I wish I'd managed to catch up with him before he'd driven off so I could have kicked in one of his doors.
6 buckets of bleachy(heavy on the bleach) water and a brushing later.
It was late and dark so didnt manage to get the registration, i was to busy wanting to kick c*** out of his car to have the mind to take note.

Stopped in a lay-by on an A toad in Gloucestershire recently. It wasn’t nice.

Poor creature.

A few weeks ago I was in the work kitchen and, out of the window, saw some scruffy looking chap with a guitar case and carrier bag walking up the side of the building towards the main entrance.

Having made my brew I returned to my desk and asked the two other colleagues if they'd answered the door to this guy but they had not. We looked out of the side of the building and saw the guitar case propped up against the wall.

On initial viewing there was no sign of the guy but one of the people with me noticed that a bush was shaking. A few minutes later the guy emerged from behind the bush, grabbed his guitar and scurried away.

One of my colleagues who was bolder than me went out to investigate  expecting to find a large deposit but nothing was found. Maybe he just liked hiding behind bushes or maybe he disposed of the evidence but there are certainly some odd people about.

Did a dry dock in Singapore many years ago on an oil tanker. For weeks afterwards every starter box that got opened was found to contain a neatly wrapped package.... Apparently the workers had to clock off to curl one off ; much easier to do one in a square of paper and stache it .

Sounds more like a danger wa*k Cletus!

a tale of proper middle-class outrage

No front lawn

Hmmmmmm. But then cul-de-sac and a high bin count is in your favour I suppose. Even if one of those is full of crack poop.

I once discovered a tom-tit on the floor of the large retail store I worked in back in the day.

I used to work in a museum. One day a guy walked straight in to one of the galleries, dropped his pants and did a shit in the middle of the floor.

He was alone in the room at the time but the whole alarming spectacle was witnessed by our phone receptionist who's desk was by a small window that overlooked the gallery.

An unpleasant enough experience in its own right. But to compound the experience for her:

A) She was a well known wind-up merchant

B) It was April 1st

She tried frantically to call various departments around the building trying to get them to both apprehend the perp, to close the gallery, clean up or at least cover up the offending article -  but absolutely nobody would believe her.

On family holiday in Wales with my then 2 Yr old son, we were on a beach, no nappy on him as we're were potty training and he disappeared in the car.
He came out obviously having done a crap
Checked inside, could smell it but not see it, was worried it'd be mashed into the carpet in the back.
Turns out he laid it perfectly into my high topped trainers.
For the next 2 days had to wear my spds as they were only other shoes I had until my trainers were washed & dried

There was a claim on here a few years back that a human turd had been left on the soap shelf in one of the portable showers at Mountain Mayhem. In the Eastnor days it was.

True. I saw it, briefly, before backing out of the cubicle quickly

I worked with a guy who had about 30s notice before he had to drop his guts, often beneath tanks, in dirty drains and sometimes just the turbine hall floor. TBF it was the result of a tank falling on him in the REME but it was still rank, I pity his wife who had to deal with a lot of unscheduled stops in laybys.

Incidentally another of his stories was that he got burgled once, that was bad enough but the bastards shat in the pot of mince on the hob before they left.

One of my colleagues who was bolder than me went out to investigate expecting to find a large deposit but nothing was found.

Probably what the carrier bag was for.

One of my colleagues who was bolder than me went out to investigate expecting to find a large deposit but nothing was found.

That sounds like crack/heroin dealing. Used to go out with a girl who lived in a flat in the city centre above shops, accessed by some grotty steps round the back. The local scrotebag dealers would use this area under the steps as their HQ, and there was often desperate looking people scrabbling around looking for 'drops'.

@kimbers that story still makes me laugh. It made my sides hurt at antur

For the next 2 days had to wear my spds as they were only other shoes I had until my trainers were washed & dried

Yet another reason why flat pedals are superior.

Was playing in the sea once as a young lad, swimming mucking about like you do, along with thousands of other people all having a good time. Then a huge turd floated merrily past my face a few inches away.

There was a claim on here a few years back that a human turd had been left on the soap shelf in one of the portable showers at Mountain Mayhem. In the Eastnor days it was

I saw it too and one year there was one smeared up the panelling of the cubicle.
I have so many gels and carbs when i'm 24 hour racing there is no way mine would have the consistency to stay on a soap tray!!!

There was a claim on here a few years back that a human turd had been left on the soap shelf in one of the portable showers at Mountain Mayhem. In the Eastnor days it was.

I remember this clearly too. Huge queue for teh showers, one completely empty cubicle. Person after person would walk up, think 'ooh, lucks in', open the door to be met eyeball to eyeball by mr whippy. Then step back and join a queue.

Except my mate - boldly walks up, opens door, disappears inside. Showers, exits, as I'm still in the queue.

I was all ready to congratulate him on his outstanding robustness, but he didnt even notice it! I mean it was a perfectly curled example on a eye-level shelf. And it was a warm shower too. Still bemuses me how someone managed to get it there, about 2ft below ceiling level.