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Away and fling s**t at yourself.
A face like a welders bench.
Recently heard,
About as useless as t**s on a fish.
Description of a body builder:
Looks like a brown condom stuffed with walnuts
Favorite Boney one is:
Home soon, don't wash.
Take a long walk off a short pier.
" in the land of the blind, the one eyed man reigns king."
In reference to larger ladies, " by the time you've got through 3 inches of hair and 3 inches of fat, you'll have run out of dick."
" Don't treat kindness as a,weakness. "
In theory there is no difference between practice and theory, but in practice there is.
.
I am also attempting to introduce one of my own to the common venacular, 'As the pig walks.' Self explanatory really, a more circuitous route than that which the crow can fly.
Andrewh, I bet you respond with 'not three bad' when folk ask you how you are, don't you?
No, but I have taken to saying 'Tuesday' (or whatever it is) to people instead of 'morning'. Why only wish them a good morning, why not the whole day?
If you pay peanuts you get a monkey
Nowt as queer as folk
What goes around, comes around
All in regular use with my bemused Chinese coworkers.
reminded me of a mate in Glasgow telling me about a girl he was seeing with dodgy teeth...
She could eat an apple through a letter box......
"She looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a cricket bat."
If ever we drop things or some small moment goes wrong, our 5 and 7 year olds have picked up on, "How do you think that went then?"
About as much use as a... Chocolate fire guard / Ashtray on a motorbike etc
"Keep on the pavement and mind the buses"
"You can give the pencils out tomorrow"
"Worse things happen at sea" - ALWAYS said to me by my Grandfather, just before I'd go windsurfing! However my personal favourite and one of his overused sayings is I like to use a lot is....
"It's nice to be nice"
Were you born a [______]*, or have you had to work really hard at it?
*insert appropriate expletive of choice
A lot of these aren't really sayings as such, they're similies and metaphors.
I've always stuck by - He who runs fastest lives longest 🙂
"shit a chicken" - "when the boss finds out hes gonna shit a chicken"
"he needs a bigger hammer" - one of my colleagues fitting 2 componants that wont go together is famously quoted as saying "i need a bigger hammer" in all seriousness so it evolved from there.
"looks like a nigerian wedding" - if there is a ruccus or a ramy going on -or even a riot then the description is "looks like a nigerian wedding"
"You’d be out of your depth in a car park puddle"
"Bit of jollop should seal that"
"Is the job big hammer compatible?"
"Gently caressed by a fork truck" (totally trashed)
"Nobody said it was going to be easy"
"Red to red, black to black, switch on and stand well back"
"What does a lot does a little"
"Staring at it's not going to fix itself is it?"
"I think the newness has worn off"
"What have you broken this time?"
"The eyes are open the mouth moves, but Mr brain has long departed"
"At what point did you think beating seven shades of shite out of it was a good idea?"
Most are used daily in our workshop
A dear old lady I used to work with had many. Two spring to mind:
"I'm getting in a right mucking fuddle here".
"POETS day today!" (p**s off early tomorrow's Saturday)
I blame Thatcher.
An old Derbyshire saying 'It's black over Bill's mothers' .. meaning rain is on the way..
One of my favourites due to how often it's absolutely apt, particularly with bike/car maintenence, jobs around the house...:
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
- Steven Wright, American comedian
It needed a slight adjustment with a precision instrument
i.e. it got twunted with the biggest hammer you could find!
I'm not as thunk as dreople pink I am!
In place of Victor Meldrew's favourite, I prefer:
[i]Well, *@$# my old boots...![/i]
Would have been good to hear him deliver that once in a while.
reminded me of a mate in Glasgow telling me about a girl he was seeing with dodgy teeth...
Teeth like a row of condemned tenaments.
A face like she's been dooking for chips.
As daft as a bag of spanners
Like two bald men fighting over a comb
Using statistics the way a drunk uses a lamppost, for support rather than illumination
"Better the right hand than the wrong woman."
For balding people "Grass doesn't grow on a busy street".
He's a lovely boy. He will drink his own bath water though.
Women: You can't live with em, you can't live with em.
A head like a fifty bob cabbage (used to describe a gentleman at college who had an unusually large head).
Couple more that I enjoy:
-Tha can allas tell a Yorkshire man, but tha cannot tell 'im much.
and
-I stand corrected, said the man with the orthopaedic shoe.
'and if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle'
"I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I don't think I could get my head that far up your arse"
"I cannot overstate the enormity of the 'poo' I do not give"
"That is registering very low on my givea'poo'ometer"
(replacing the word 'poo' with a synonym that the mods wouldn't like, beginning with 's')
Did you have a big bowl of stupid for breakfast ?
and
What could possibly go wrong ?
I hope your next poo is a pineapple.
It's a queer bird, the Fish ...
Like two bald men fighting over a comb
Used by Jorge Luis Borges to describe the Falklands war.
Very fond of "You couldnae organise a bumrape in a barracks." spoken by Jamie in 'The Thick of It'.
[i](replacing the word 'poo' with a synonym that the mods wouldn't like, beginning with 's')[/i]
Shit you mean?
A shy boy gets no sweets
Shit you mean?
Err, yes. I assumed you wouldn't be allowed to use that word here. Isn't there a filter or something?
Sorry if I came across as prudish. I feel like a bit of a **** for doing that.
EDIT: I didn't imagine the filter then, just overestimated its shame setting. Mother ****er!
"Everything is idiot-proof until they give you a suitably talented idiot..."
Like a blind man in a dark room, looking for a black cat...that isn't there.
Wetter than an otters pocket.....
"The will to win is nothing without the will to prepare"
Juma Ikaanga (from memory!)
Its a brave mouse that sleeps in a cats ear
****
"And I've got a Granny in the paras excused knickers"
"Kiss the darkest part of my lilly white *ss"
One of my grandfather's favorites: he's too busy chopping wood to sharpen the axe
From my Father
"Couldn't a cows arse with a banjo"
"Sticks like sh!t to a blanket"
One we use at work usually as disaster strikes
"We're gonna need a bigger boat"
Serious ones first....
Only those who risk going too far can possibly know how far they are able to go. (My Audax motto)
The ride is the reward, the destination just for others.
Funny ones...
Face like a plasterers radio
Nipples like Scamel wheel nuts.
And one which applies to me...
Arms of a sprinter, legs of a climber, lungs of a smoker
****t it. Telling someone something needs persuading with a hammer.
"Red to red, black to black, switch on and stand well back"
Variation on that is
Red to black, black to red, and blue to f***.
My favourites are:
He/she has teeth like a row of condemned houses
Puss like a burst mattress
Puss like an auld woman bursting for a pish
Not a pound of flesh hanging the right way
And my Dad's favourite:
That .... couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery.
best one to describe a female who gets around a bit
"fanny like a clown's pocket"
Rich as a butcher's turd.
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.
Trying is the first step towards failure
Learn as if you will live forever, live as if you will die tomorrow
Two of my current favs: -
When you think you know what you're talking about, go ask a man who does.
Shit, or get off the pot.
Body like baywatch face like crimewatch.
Flaps like bomber doors on a b52.
She's had more pricks than a secondhand dart board.
When some is talking rubbish,
Did someone flush the toilet.
Who spat in your test-tube?
Near enough for pit work.
'Mair crabbit than a rat catchers dug'
'Teeth like a lockpickers toolkit'
'Fanny like a yawning dog'
Baby monkey, baby monkey
Riding on a pig, baby monkey.Baby monkey, baby monkey
Backwards on a pig, baby monkey.The world has gone insane, and you don't know what is right.
You've got to keep on 'keeping on'.
Get on that pig and hold on tight, -ight!Baby monkey, baby monkey
Backwards on a pig, baby monkey.Baby monkey, baby monkey
Going backwards on a pig, baby monkey.
not so much a saying as a mantra, often also a lullaby for the youngest member of the yunki family
When asked for an opinion about something that's utter rubbish, starts looking around on the floor, in drawers, etc., and when asked what you're doing, reply; "looking for the rat's ass I couldn't give"
My favourite description for someone who's completely nuts; "mad as a bag of owls"
One of my favourite ways of telling someone to get lost, courtesy of William Gibson, author; "go lick a dog's ass 'til it bleeds!"
I've used "that stews my plums" today (a phrase i found on here) when a mate posted on fb that the gov cut art council by an "unavoidable" 11million but pays for thatch funeral 10 million. That STEWS MY GODDAMN PLUMS
You say that like it was a bad thing....
I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate....
The beaten path is for beaten men....
You can't kid a kidder
One day
One day I'll give a sh!t...
But that day is not today
Mrs SP uses this quote from Alice in Wonderland when she knows someone is talking bollox (usually me)
"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards"
Stops them dead in their tracks. I've never seen it fail
You can only p155 with the cock you've got.
I don't carry money, poor people might have touched it
..that's more a statement of fact than a favourite saying.
Always remember never to say always or never.
You can't help someone up a hill without getting nearer the top yourself.
Hawd it and dawd it
Middle for diddle
everything in moderation, including moderation
never let the truth get in the way of a good story
I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.
edlong - Member
Shit you mean?
Err, yes. I assumed you wouldn't be allowed to use that word here. Isn't there a filter or something?Sorry if I came across as prudish. I feel like a bit of a * for doing that.
EDIT: I didn't imagine the filter then, just overestimated its shame setting. Mother *!
POSTED 19 HOURS AGO # REPORT-POST
Just seems to be the modern way Ed, write as you speak/think regardless of what others think.
I am with you on this one 😆
Could be the start of another thread " what is acceptable forum language"
(Inherited from toxicsoks Snr and therefore, must be said in broad Yorkshire accent) " If wit were sh1t, tha'd be constipated fo'rest of thi' life". [i]Has[/i] been used in operational management group meetings.
@ toxicsoks - I like that.
My old man used say "Try this son, that'll put a chest on yer back!" usually when he was road testing his latest Horseradish sauce or some other Character building experience - in his opinion.
Or "Bob's yer Aunty Mary, on a Saturday night.."
"We are shot from the uterus as if from the mouth of a cannon, which is pointing at a barn door covered in rusty nails and hooks. The important thing however, is what we do with ourselves whilst on that trajectory." - Chris Hitchens.
shaking like a shitting dog
My absolute favourite...
To a question requiring foresight.
"I've got hairy baws, not crystal baws"
sweating like a paedo in a sweet shop..
Fav phrase at the moment is "OUCH" due to my broken wrist! 😉
[i]"stoop if the roof is low"[/i] - sometimes we need humility..
[i]"If my auntie had bollock$ she'd be my uncle"[/i] - for those 'if this was that' situations!
I like [i]"I've got hairy baws, not crystal baws"[/i] - I wonder if I can get that into a consultation this afternoon....
DrP
Don’t worry it will always work out in the end; because it always does
Haha, best of luck Dr.