[Closed] Young children at funerals

if your instinct is that they should go, they should go. as you say, people would be glad to see them there.

A compromise not at the service but at the celebration of you Mother's life after. At 2 years old they can be quite effected, my eldest was 2 when my Wife's father died, she did notice the sadness even though we tried to show it in front of her. She wasn't at the service as thought wasn't appropriate.

I wouldn't take children as you will spend so much time concentrating on them. Having recently completed a family liaison course funerals are very individual personal experiences and asking other opinions will not help. I will not attend funerals can't stand them but doesn't mean that others shouldn't. I would have a sensible discussion with your wife about your feelings and come to the conclusion together. Good luck though as it is a hard decision to make.

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

Personally i would side with your wife. Funerals are no place for young children. The service in particular is a place where people will be lost in there own thoughts and remembrance and the potential noise of young children may well not be welcomed by everyone.

However, your idea of them being a welcome distraction sounds more valid at the wake.

So ideally I would have someone look after them during the preparation and the service and them bring them along to the wake.

For my Grandparents I think we were left with friends for the funeral but attended the get together/buffet lunch afterwards.

Why do you want to take them? Who will benefit? For whos sake?

If its to honour your mother then yes, if its for your sake then no. Other family members - Don't seem right to me.

I think they are too young for it to be of any great significance to them so from their point of view it does not matter.

Sorry to hear about your Mum MF. Personally, I think it would be OK, and it might left bring some happiness into the occasion, but my wife (like yours) has never been keen. Itmight bring more stress on you at a difficult time if the kids are there though?

My sympathies for your loss.

The below are only thoughts, obviously...

My daughter is two in a couple of weeks time. I wouldn't worry at all about her being negatively affected by attending a funeral, but would be concerned about her behaviour and attention span at it. I don't mean bad behaviour, just that after a little bit of sitting still I imagine she'd want to play, or walk around, or try to engage with others there who may be wanting to remember the deceased without her interruption or whatever...

The above is based on me thinking of attending the funeral of a friend, not a close family member, which may well render all the above immaterial.

Regarding the girls' presence providing a welcome distraction and there being family members they haven't yet met, is there any sort of gathering after the service? Perhaps they could be present at this but not at the service itself?

In the same boat as you MF I have my Fathers funeral on Friday & we have decided its not for our two little ones, who are a little older than your little girl.

At the end of the day, you know your child best, go with what you both feel is right.

all the best..

Sorry to hear about your sad loss

2 years old is a tender age to be exposed to the harsh realities of life and death. Personally I wouldn't entertain the idea of taking a young child to a funeral but on the other hand, the very young can sometimes lift the atmosphere at an otherwise sombre occasion

I went to my nans funeral as a very young child with my sister. I didn't really get what was going on and remember laughing and giggling with my sister - probably out of nerves. Sticks in my gut a bit that.

As above, wouldnt take young kids to a funeral personally. Once theyre a bit older it is different (again imho).

I think they are young enough not to be affected by the experience and their presence might be a welcome distraction for family members (some of which haven't even met them yet)

Definitely. I'd think it'd be a great lift to everyone. Presumably they look a bit like your Mum which would help everyone remember that parents never really die.

I'd say definitely take them. But maybe have someone else help watch them since you might want to concentrate on things. Can you get someone else to look after them or take them outside for a run about during the service?

And as for death - they are going to be exposed to it aren't they? How else to explain that a family member is gone.

Drac - Moderator

A compromise not at the service but at the celebration of you Mother's life after.

Several people say similar - might well be a good comprimise

Its a difficult one. When my Wife lost her Gran, the mother-in-law did not want her other daughter's 3 yr old at the funeral because of justifed concerns over behaviour and i presume concerns about it being appropriate. The sister-in-law made excuses about not being able to find babysitters, but i think it was more to do with it causing problems for her travel plans and in the end the mother-in-law gave in, as she had enough on her plate.

On the day, there were no other kids at the funeral but to their credit the child sat at the back quiet with the sister-in-law. It was then awkward as to what to do during the burial and in the end i volenteered to stay with him outside the church while everyone else went into "the garden" - as the sister in law had previously suggested, but had not actually asked me.

So, it was all ok in the end, but a distraction. However, the child, now 4 is asking questions about death, and the school have even rasied concerns about it. Its possible he is effected more from picking up on the sister-in-law gossiping rather than the day itself.

Sorry to hear about your Mum MF.

My eldest daughter was a little bit older than your two when wife's Grandparents passed and she did not attend the church service, but did attend both burials and the wakes afterwards.

Very sorry for your loss. My mum died at the end of last year, bloody awful thing to have to come to terms with.

Given that you don't know just how you will cope at the service let alone your children it may be best to only have them present at the wake as others have suggested. The wake for my mum was a really pleasant affair and hopefully you will experience the same. It is a better way to introduce the facts about what has happened to your daughters as it will be a less pressured environment for them.

Probably the best thing you can do is to make sure they visit the grave regularly and help pick out flowers etc. That way they can feel involved with everything that is going on.

My grandad on my mum's side died when I was 5. I remember it clearly, we all got on the plane and trooped down to the South Island, I very much understood what was happening, and felt very left out and upset that I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral when all my cousins got to go. But I guess at 2 they might not have such clear memories and understanding.

Grief is different for everybody. I have no idea how I made it through my own dad's funeral when I was 22, held on to my sister very tightly as I recall !

I was upset that my wife didn't want our two (6 and 4 at the time) to my grandmothers funeral.

I was very close to my gran and as it turns out, I was very distraught, despite thinking I'd done all my crying. It would have been difficult for me and even harder for the the kids had they been there.

We've taken them to the grave to lay flowers a couple of times since.

just wrote a long message and then closed it by mistake.
in summary I'd take them.
my father died when I was 2 I didnt go and wish I had.
my brother died a few months ago and his was a Moari style funeral with lots of young kids and they all coped fine and seemed to take something from it. IMO it says more about the adults not wanting the kids there. Why hide tears grief is a common emotion given the link between birth and death.
good luck with it

IMO it says more about the adults not wanting the kids there. Why hide tears grief is a common emotion given the lonk between birth and death.

Yes - I agree with this totally. Learning about death and grief is important, and its the main reason I wanted my kids to come - they didn't actually know 'supergran' very well, but the reality in practical terms of managing kids throughout the day would have been too much for the state that my mum, my brother, aunt and uncle were in.

We've spent time explaining how supergran died, and the order of life etc, but at that age, death doesn't meant the same as it does to an adult. They were more upset, and probably learned as much, when the pet rabbits died - and thats fine, because they're learning how to manage it.

i my self dont do funerals, in my mind there gone and thats that. However thats me you should take youre kids if thats how you feel.

Hmmm, thanks for all the feedback.

I guess not attending the service but going to the wake/celebration is a compromise I could make. But I do think mum would want them there and that is why I want to take them. Certainly not for me or others - just for my mum.

The only thing that is bringing me to tears in this whole sorry situation is thinking how mum won't see them grow up and they will never remember her first-hand. The rest I can cope with.

it says more about the adults not wanting the kids there

Sorry for your loss MF.
Personal desicion based on what you want and what your Mother would have wanted.
Your kids were her family and what people think is kinda irrelevant. As said before I would question an adults motives for not wanting a child there.

Both of my children have been to family funerals around that age and younger and they were a breath of fresh air for the family.
We just took a couple of books and a wooden jigsaw thing for them to quietly play with.

That said it was never really an issue. I wanted them there, all my family wanted them there. It was a family celebration, they were family.

Second thoughts from me... my mom is here playing with my daughter as I type and on reflection I think that taking your daughters would be right.

personally I would, they are the next generation of the family and should remind everyone that it's not just a remembering a loss but celebrating a life

they are the next generation of the family and should remind everyone that it's not just a remembering a loss but celebrating a life

And almost bringing me to tears here.

But I do think mum would want them there and that is why I want to take them.

Easy, take them then.
Funeral services have evolved a lot over the years and they are not the somber events they once were. Although still traditional 95% of services these days are prioritised around what the deceased would have wanted and celebrating that and there lives.

I hope you're ok m_f.

Differing opinions here. I'm sure you'll make the right decision. I grew up in a culture where everybody went to a funeral - no matter how old they were. I have no memories of funerals before I was around seven or eight. However, if you don't think it'll be right, then hey, it's your mum's thing.

Chin up - small steps and all that - keep thinking about her - keep talking - keep grieving - no bottling things up - hope it all goes ok matey.

Look after yourselves. 🙂

Sorry for your loss mate.

The only thing I can add that's not already been said is, there is no 'wrong' answer here. Whether you ultimately decide to take them or not to take them, you're doing the right thing because you're doing what you think is best.

Personally I don't see as there's much to gain from taking them; it's just one day, they've had the past two years to share times together. That's far more important IMHO.

Personally I don't see as there's much to gain from taking them; it's just one day, they've had the past two years to share times together.

The only thing that is bringing me to tears in this whole sorry situation is thinking how mum won't see them grow up and they will never remember her first-hand. The rest I can cope with.

I know what you mean, my son will never know his uncle

My father passed away a month ago. Made the decision that we wouldn't
Take the 3yo or baby. In hindsight it was a good decision for us
As we had time to think and pay respects and generally deal with
The situation without distraction of the young ones.
It also meant we could chat at the gathering afterwards and remeber the good times
Without the distraction and attention seeking of the little ones.

As everyone has stated it is a personal choice based upon knowledge of yourself and your young ones.
I was also a little concerned that they were too young to be exposed to
such a event before they are able to reason fully. Just my 2p worth.

My thoughts are with you.

But Cougar, he's said that lots of people haven't met them - they will want to, I can guarantee. You do, when you get involved with kids and stuff. And especially so on this sad day.

And there'll be people there that you don't see very often probably, they'll also want to keep in touch with the kids as well as MF.

Definitely be there for the 'do' afterwards in my book. People will understand about the service.

Just to add a bit of perspective, as a funeral director I've attended / conducted over 2500 funeral over the last few years.
I have never been to a service where a small child or baby caused any noticable issues or problems at a service.

my son will be at my brothers memorial service next week, I hope a load of other kids will be there, I'll be in bits again no doubt but the kids will help. I'll leave it there as this isnt the time or place to have a discussion about what I think is right or wrong. the choices are for the OP to make and depend on his views.

Yep - they will be there afterwards without question.

I usually find young children from within the family are a welcome distraction and a very important part of the family unit. I wouldn't hesitate to take them.

I have a nephew who is 13 now, he must have gone to about five funerals pre school and he always had a good time at the tea and was a magnate and ice breaker for other people to talk to the direct family.

AA +1

Kids are pretty resilient, in our family they have always attended funerals. It is part of life's cycle and their presence helps in my view and will do no damage whatsoever and dealing with their questions may help you come to terms with your grief.

If your mother would have wanted them there that is even more reason, but if in reality, it is for your comfort then go with it too, there is nothing wrong being slightly self-centred when you have lost a parent. Your kids will have moved on in no time.

We took our the 3 yr old and an 18 month old to my Gran's Funeral - it felt the right thing to do at the time and more so now. Was a very important time to be together as a family. Broke the ice somewhat at the wake too.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Took my 4 and 6y old girls to their Grans funeral last year
Ex-wife didnt want them to come and her rellies told me children werent welcome
But it was my turn to have them for the day so my rules were enforced!

The thing is I knew Gran would have wanted them to be there and when I asked the kids they said they wanted to go too

So I took them and faced all manner of vitriol from the family

Which was nice

But then amazingly half way through the afternoon the bro-in-law came up to me and said he wished he had brought his own kids but like me had been told not to and wished hed been pig headed enough to do his own thing - he is my ex's sisters bloke so not blood relative like me

And to cap it all when it was home time just about every member of the family came to find me to thank me for being a stubborn b4stard as the kids behaved perfectly appropriately and that it was "what Gran would have wanted"

Difficult decision - no right answer.

So far I've managed to get to the age of 45 without ever having been to a funeral. I don't feel I've missed out on anything.

he's said that lots of people haven't met them - they will want to, I can guarantee.

That's all well and good, but as I said, it's just one day. It's a funeral, not show and tell. I'm not disagreeing with taking with them per sé; I just don't agree that MF should feel obliged to. Ie, if people want to see your kids then it might be nice to take them, but alternatively there's 364 other days in the year and, indeed, the rest of their lives to do it. (And arguably, if it was that important to them then they'd have made an effort at some point in the last two years.)

You do, when you get involved with kids and stuff. And especially so on this sad day.

This, on the other hand, makes more sense to me. "It's a sad day, but hey, the kids are lovely."

As an extension to that,

I've always felt that a funeral should be a celebration of their life rather than a mourning of their passing. Certainly that's how I'd want mine to be.

Mrs FD Grandmother died a couple of months ago. We took our 13 month old son to the Church and Wake (first checking that her Grandad was ok with that).

On the day I think it helped her Grandad and was a welcome distraction.

However, Mrs FD hadnt really had the chance to greive before the day and it all came out as soon as she got to the church. I think Jnr FD found it quite upsetting that his mum was upset. Mrs FD couldnt also cope with her grief and looking after Junior FD so I ended up taking him outside, which meant I missed the service and couldnt support Mrs FD.

I dont think their is any right or wrong answer, I think you just have to decide for yourself if you want your children there, and I dont think that has anything to do with it being to scary for kids etc etc.

Anyway, my wife doesn't think they should go as it is a sad place to be and not one for children.

Firstly, you have my sympathies for such a loss. Secondly, actually funerals aren't really as sad as you might imagine. For many it is quite a cathartic experience an sometimes the feel quite elated, and positive, celebratory of the life that has passed. In my experience, children add an important dimension to funerals and such. They help to illustrate that life moves on, and that the next generation are a continuation of the last. For me, when i look at my kids, I don't wonder about where my father has gone, I see his 'spirit' or influence so clearly in them, he lives on, through his influence on those that were around him there is a little bit of who he was, in me and also in them. Take them along, they and you are all part of the same One.

And arguably, if it was that important to them then they'd have made an effort at some point in the last two years.

Secondly, actually funerals aren't really as sad as you might imagine.

mastiles_fanylion - Member

Hmmm, thanks for all the feedback.

I guess not attending the service but going to the wake/celebration is a compromise I could make. But I do think mum would want them there and that is why I want to take them. Certainly not for me or others - just for my mum.

If thats the truth then it is the trump card. Its about your mother and what she would have wanted.

Yeah but I have to consider my wife's thoughts too - she is their mum and has a say in what they do and I am not the sort of person to 'tell' her what I am going to do. Which is probably why I asked the question in the first place - to see if I was being odd wanting them there.

Most of my Grandparent's died when my sister and I were preschool or primary school. We were never allowed to go to the funeral, dispite hardly being the kind of kids to cause a ruckus, and I grew up feeling I'd never really been allowed to say good bye.

Sorry for your loss, must be a tough time. I have only read your original post so might be repeating something here but for me I'd take them.

I've been at funerals where youngsters have been and they've been uplifting for everyone else if anything. I've heard something said along the lines of 'It's alright mummy, grandma's in heaven now'. Kids are resillient and full of hope. Depends on your little uns characters but I'd probably take them, they'll not comprehend the significance enough for it to get them upset.

When my partner's Grandad died 5 years ago we didn't take our daughter, who was three.

I did want to at first but my partner said no and i'm glad we didn't as I think seeing her Papa's coffin would have been upsetting for her.

When we told her he had died she was devastated. I was suprised how bad she took it at three-and-a-half years old. Perhaps at 2 years they won't know as much.

What we did do, was buy our daughter a teddy bear the day we told her and told her that was 'Papa Bear'. She is 8 now and still takes Papa Bear to bed with her and won't let us wash him or anything! His dog died a few months after him and Papa Bear got a little dog teddy to go with him - Papa and Frisky 🙂 and her way of dealing with it was for us to tell her that Papa has a special glass in the sky with which he can look down and see her.

We take our daughter to Papa's 'memory place' a couple of times a year and we talk about him quite a lot. She has a picture of him beside here bed and a picture of her with the wee dog, Frisky, and her memory of him is very, very good.

She wrote him a letter a few months ago when my son was born to tell him all about the new Baby. She can talk about him, and could do within a few months of his death, without getting upset. Papa Bear definitely helped this.

However, don't ask me about the time Papa Bear and Frisky went AWOL in McDonalds in the Vendee a couple of years ago!!! Thankfully some kind French lads handed him in 🙂

Not sure about the point of me rambling like this! Just perhaps trying to tell you something positive about my experience of this I suppose.

Ultimately though, don't put added pressure on yourself by saying your Mum would have wanted them there because if it turns out you don't take them you'll end up making yourself feel guilty. You won't be letting your Mum down at all if you decide it is for the best if they just come afterwards. I'm sure your Mum would understand you are doing what you think is best for your children.

Peace

Sorry about your mum m-f. In your position I'd take them but ensure that someone else could care for them if it got too much for you. Whatever you decide your mum character and life experiences will live on in them.

Papa Bear got a little dog teddy to go with him

That's a nice touch

Meant to add. My parents always 'shielded' me from Funerals, although all close family died before I was too young to remember them.

However the first funeral I went to was my 1 surviving Grandma 1 year ago at the age of 36! I was very nervous before it, not knowing what to expect, or knowing how I would feel.

I wish I had gone to funerals when I was younger...

I was none when my Dad died so a fair bit older. My Mum in particular I think tried to protect me by not letting me go to the funeral or even mentioning it around me. I have to say it is one resentment that I have and I think it would have been good for me. Not sure what a 2 year old will get out of it. My only comment then is maybe ask them if they want to say "goodbye" like everyone else?

We're taking my 14 month old to my Stepfather's funeral next week.

If she get's bored or noisy, my wife will take her outside.

It's a family event and she's family. I know he enjoyed seeing her near the end and we'll tell her about it all when she's older.

Ultimately though, don't put added pressure on yourself by saying your Mum would have wanted them there because if it turns out you don't take them you'll end up making yourself feel guilty. You won't be letting your Mum down at all if you decide it is for the best if they just come afterwards. I'm sure your Mum would understand you are doing what you think is best for your children.

However, don't ask me about the time Papa Bear and Frisky went AWOL in McDonalds in the Vendee a couple of years ago!!!

Always buy doubles of these things!

However, tis a lovely idea of course.