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I stayed up all night trying to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
*disclaimer: not mine - Geraint Thomas tweeted it the other day
Me "I'm hungry but want something simple"
Waiter "maybe the chicken strips for £5?"
Me "maybe it does, but how does that help my hunger?"
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
This one has kept me giggling since last night.
Just the perfect blend of stupid and brilliant 😂
Just the perfect blend of stupid and brilliant 😂
I'm having that as my epitaph.
A vicar, imam and a rabbit went to the blood bank together. When asked if they know their blood types, the rabbit replied, “I’m not sure. I’m probably a type-O.”
(probably best as a written joke.)
An American friend was in hospital recently, she was told that her insurance didn't cover modern anaesthetic.
She was offered more traditional methods or to be hit round the back of the head with a paddle.
She asked if she could have both, and was told "no, it's an ether/oar situation."
I told my girlfriend she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high. She seemed surprised.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick!
I was watching Australian Masterchef last night, some guy made a meringue and everyone cheered.
That's odd, I thought, normally in Australia they boo meringue.
Why did the baker have brown hands?
....... He kneaded a poo.
Last night I asked my wife for some keyring sex. She fobbed me off ?
That's a Gary Delaney gag. I'd recommend him if you like that sort of thing. (The jokes, not... )
I used to race snails without much success. One day I had the idea that if I removed their shell it would lighten the load and I may win a few races. However when I tried it the first time there was no noticeable difference. In fact, if anything it made them more sluggish.
... and that's one of mine. 😀
What did the slug say to the snail?
"Big Issue?"
I think I probably heard it on hear about 10 years ago ?
Went and saw an Elbow tribute band last night
They were called Arse
I honestly couldn't tell the difference
We've sold so many lions today it's unbelievable.
We've been doing a roaring trade!
How do you make a bull sweat?
Give it a tight jersey.
I never realised Isla st clair was married to Barry white but divorced him and married Bryan ferry.
She is now known as Isla White ferry!
Why should you not buy your pants from Ukraine?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels
"What do you call a man having a nap by the back door?
Mat. "
What do you call a man who doesn't shine?
Matt
What did the snail say when it climbed onto the back of the tortoise?
'Weeeeeee...'
What's pink and hard in the morning?
The Financial Times crossword.
I was given some Sooty and Sweep puppets for Christmas but they’re a bit too small, so I’m passing them on if anyone wants them.
I don’t want any money for them, I’m just looking for someone to come and take them off my hands.
i've just shared some of these. My family have told me that I should stop reading STW.
Who wears a red suit, has a white beard and stands a long way away?
Further Christmas....
One advantage of living in Switzerland is the flag. It's a big plus.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade, killing 15 of the 20 enemies in front of him.
The remaining five also died when it exploded a few seconds later.
What’s pink and hard in the morning?
The Financial Times crossword.
Also: What's pink, wrinkly, and hangs out yer trousers?
Yer mum.
what's pink and hard ?? Pig with a flick-knife
That’s a Gary Delaney gag
A woman came up to me and asked me for sex. I said sorry I'm gonna have to disappoint you. We had sex.
Why do Finland and Norway put barcodes on their warships?
Because when they come in to port they scan de navy in
What do you call a Russian with three testicles?
Whodyanikabollokov.
That last one made me chuckle ‘cos our local vet’s Hungarian, he’s called kutscats knackersoff!
My New Year’s resolution was to give up performing stunts from cowboy movies but today I fell off the wagon.
French windows were invented by an Irishman. Paddy O'Doors.
(I probably shouldn't do the bulletproof vest joke.)
With the recent snowy weather, I used my Tesco Clubcard to scrape the car windscreen but could only get 10% off...
I've Just lost a load of money on some share trading. I'd bought a load of AA shares on the rumours of a takeover by the RAC but the talks between them have broken down
I was going to buy a delorian, but decided it wasn’t worth the expense as I’d only use it to travel from time to time.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.
A tree on his head?
Russell.
A seagull?
Cliff.
A rabbit up his bum?
Warren.
A police station?
Nick.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.
What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
Douglas.
A seagull?
Cliff.
A woman who fell off a cliff?
Eileen Dover.
What do you call a man with a plank on his head?
Edward
What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head?
Edward Woodward
Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?
Without them he'd be Ewar Woowar.
(this works better spoken TBH)
What's your holiday plans?
Bucharest.
What do you call a woman with part of a doll on her head?
Dolly Parton.
Noel Coward worked for a short time stocktaking at a chicken farm.
This was the inspiration for Brief Hen Counter.
What do you call a woman juggling pint glasses?
Beatrix
What do you call a woman juggling pint glasses on a snooker table?
Beatrix Potter
Which cheese is the most religious?
That'll be the little baby cheeses.
What do you call a woman who stands behind the goalposts?
Annette
What do you call a woman who sets fire to her leccy bill?
Bernadette
How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Juan
Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?
Without them he’d be Ewar Woowar.
(this works better spoken TBH)
To quote John Guilgud. 'Edward Wioodward? It sounds like a fart in the bath'
Noel Coward worked for a short time stocktaking at a chicken farm.
This was the inspiration for Brief Hen Counter.
Oscar Wilde wrote a play about the Loch Ness Monster. Shady Wonder Mere's Fin.
What do you call a French man who steals small, yappy dogs?
Jaques Rustler
As scapegoat has ventured there......
What do you call a lady w one leg shorter than the other.... Eileen
What do you call a Chinese lady w one leg shorter than the other....Irene
Hmm, not sure the Chinese jokes are ok these days tbh.
I note that no one complained about the Geordie joke, though.
(Still chuckling over that one today 😀 )
A Native American boy and his dad are talking.
"Father," asks the boy, "why is my brother named 'Roaming Buffalo'?"
"Well son, replied the dad, "in our tribe it's customary to name our children after the first thing observed when leaving the teepee after birth. Your mum left the tent and there was a buffalo roaming outside. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Shagging?"
For some reason people keep asking me to rewire plugs and things for them, I don't why they just assume I'm good with electrics. They're often shocked when they realise I'm not.
I hired a handyman and gave him a list of things to-do.
When I got home only items 1, 3 & 5 had been done.
It turns out he only does odd jobs.
I know a mate at work by the nickname Thrush, he is so often an irritating twaaat
Nicked from Rhod Gilbert at the Playhouse
Argentina isn't as warm as you'd think, it's bordering on chilly.