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The waiter asked if I wanted a box for my leftovers, but I told him I’m not into fighting.
Both of those are going in my Dadabase, it's where I keep them.
Storm Jocelyn blew away 25% of my roof this week. oof.
Went to a posh restaurant the other night and the waitress asked me “how did you find your steak, sir?”
I replied “I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was!”.
Why don't boxers have sex before a fight?
They don't like each other.
that waitress gave me a lovely semillon
What do you call an Italian with flexible toes?
Roberto….
playing Scrabble with Midge Ure.
I've got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me.
O V N R.
Can anyone remind me why you shouldn't give Queen Elsa a balloon?
You can’t beat a good Dad joke…
Of course you can.
Your mum's so fat when she fell down the stairs everyone thought it was the end of Eastenders.
See, your mum jokes > dad jokes.
How do you know there is an elephant in the fridge?
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
As my son said the other day “Not all Dad jokes are bad jokes.”
Have you had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers now!
I got fired from the bank.
The woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her
An ancient Greek walks into a tailor’s with torn trousers.
“Euripides?” asks the tailor.
“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.
Your mum's so fat I rolled over and was still on top.
I asked my wife to rate my hearing.
She said I was and 8 on a scale of 10
Why did she want me to urinate on a skeleton?
When a bloke screws around with different girls every night and has 3-somes and wild gang bangs with anyone he meets he is a stud.
When a woman does that, what do they call her?
Your Mum.
I sold my hoover as it was just gathering dust.
How do you get 4 elephants in a mini? 2 in the front & 2 in the back. <br /><br />
how do you know if there’s a herd of Elephants in a church? There’s 2 minis parked outside.
To the person who stole my anti-depressants……I hope you’re happy now.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office……I’ll make you pay, you have my word.
How can you tell if there is an elephant in the frdge?
Footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if there are 2 elephants in the fridge?
Sounds of giggling?
How can you tell if there are 3 elephants in the fridge?
You can't shut the door.
How can you tell if there are 4 elephants in the fridge?
There is an empty mini parked outside
I sold my hoover as it was just gathering dust.
Similarly I'm going to sell my theremin. Haven't touched it in years.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.
Did you hear about the man who evaporated?
He’ll be mist.
What’s the most common owl in the world?
The teet owl
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dunnngggg
(Monty Python Iirc)
I suspect a lot of crossover with the crap joke thread here. 🙂
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
BREATH! You idiot, BREATHE!!!
Did you hear about the atheist insomniac dyslexic?
Lies awake all night wondering if there is a dog….
Two fish in a tank.
One says "have you got a licence to drive this thing?"
.
.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
.
.
What do you call a children's author who can juggle, play snooker and down a pint at the same time?
Beartrix Potter
..
.
What do you call a deer with no legs, on fire, is deaf, in a southern European country, no eyes, and laid next to a motorway?
Still flaming deaf in Italy no idea by the way.
Is "a good Dad joke" an oxymoron?
How do elephants hide in cherry trees?
Paint their balls red and climb high.
What do you have to be careful of when walking in the woods?
Falling elephants.
.
What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.
.
Emergency exit signs. I hear they're on the way out.
.
What cheese hides a horse?
Marscapone.
.
What cheese isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
.
Hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory?
All that's left is debris.
.
What cheese tempts bears?
Camembert.
.
What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?
Halloumi.
Man walks into a pub. Asks "have you any helicopter flavoured crisps?".
Barman says "sorry, I only have plain"
☝️ ☝️ ☝️what’s the loudest noise in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries…
My son showed this morning that you can ask “Alexa, tell me a Dad joke”. It’s going to be a fun weekend in Kryton Towers 🫤
scruff9252
Full Member
How do you get 4 elephants in a mini? 2 in the front & 2 in the back.
How do you get two whales in a mini?
Down the M4.
How do you get two giraffes in a mini?
Open the sunroof.
How do you get two rhinos in a mini?
You can't, it's full of elephants and giraffes.
What's black and white and red all over?
A sunburnt penguin / An embarrassed zebra / A newspaper / (any more?)
What's green and red and goes round and round very fast?
A frog in a blender.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
(any more?)
A sunburnt Nun.
What's black and white and goes round and round screaming?
A Nun on a rotisserie.
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long stick and asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "Nein I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
My wife is Spanish.
When her parents come over, I like to use drop in the odd word like mucho.
I think it means a lot to them.
Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel prize?
He was out standing in his field…
(IANAD).
What sits on the seabed with anxiety?
A nervous wreck
Son: Dad, make me a sandwich.
Dad: You are now a sandwich!
A tanker carrying red paint has collided with a tanker carrying blue paint.
Over 500 sailors have been marooned.
I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym but she didn’t show up.
That’s when I knew that we weren’t going to work out.
We were down the marina yesterday, and I said to the kids "i don't think the captain is happy the the back of his ship"
"Why?" They asked
"Because hes giving it a stern look" i replied.
I was so delighted i gave myself a high five.
What’s the biggest drawback in the jungle?
an elephant’s foreskin
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize?
He was outstanding in his field
"I went for a drink the other night with a girl from a North Wales university city"
* "Bangor?"
"Nah, we just had a couple of drinks and went our separate ways"...
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the toilet?
Because the p is silent
(Monty Python Iirc)
I suspect a lot of crossover with the crap joke thread here. 🙂
I'm seeing quite a lot lifted from the 'We Got The Chocolates' podcast.
Difficult to define a dad joke. I understand it to be a joke suitable for small kids, preferably one which will also cause them embarrassment if their dad tells it while their friends are present. Not sure this qualifies:
What do you call a baby in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
What do you call a man having a nap by the back door?
Mat.
I got a box of six cricket balls for my birthday yesterday.
Bowled over
I bumped into an old friend yesterday who I hadn't seen for ages. He told me he'd been away in the far East prospecting for gold.
"Japan?" I asked
"Oh no" he replied, "I used much more modern techniques"
what do you get if you cross an elephant & a hosepipe?
A jumbo jet
What do you call a lady married to a hippie
Mississippi
IGMC
I'm a good dad.
This morning my 5yo threw his head back and said "Aargh, stop making jokes! How many times have I told you? 100!"
🤣
After fighting with her sister, the cat was sitting paws tucked in (like a furry chicken), all defeated. As she sprang back into the fray she was once again un-defeeted!
I get clobbered for such as these, but I ain't stopping.
Some good dad jokes on this...
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the toilet?
Because the p is silent
I am told that Michelle Pfeifer also has a silent P
Whats a Pirates favourite letter of the alphabet?
No, their true love will always be the "C"
What do you call an old Snowman?
A glass of water….