[Closed] WWSTWD - growing resentment towards wife and daughter...

Glue factory.

I think you need a sensible chat with your wife and daughter, but well done for venting here first and not at them, because I suspect the situation needs a delicate touch.

Is your mother in law prepared to pay for the upkeep of rhe pony she landed you with?

No?

Sell the pony.

I think you have to sensitively and without making it threatening explain how you feel and why to your wife.

Make sure you listen to her answer and show you've understood it, but be clear about your emotions if they're not changed.

Acknowledge the ways you are maybe blaming other people for stuff that you could have some more control over - livery and feed is going to be pricey, for instance, but you didn't really have to spend £4k extra to get a serviceable car capable of towing, did you?

Obviously there are things that will hopefully relieve this just around the corner, your daughter might be in a position to earn some money to pay for the pony soon, and you'd have every right (after proper discussion with your wife, presenting a united front) to ask her to contribute and pay all costs in not that long.

Your feelings are reasonable, by the way, you shouldn't have to sacrifice everything for a teenage daughter to take up her mum's hobby. Regarding your wife still grieving, that's understandable but it seems like you feel this is being used against you somehow? Be sensitive, but don't allow this to close the conversation!

If the MTB cost that much money no problem

Smack the pony

Resentment is a pretty strong word for how you should be feeling. Whilst you may be a bit irritated by this, resentment.... that's harsh IMO.

I would say let it fester a good while longer, then one evening after a fair quantity of booze, raise it in a totally unplanned and ill concieved way. Just be sure you have a concrete outcome you wish to achieve and don't let any discussion deter you from that outcome.

Isn't that what everyone does?

Can your daughter get a part time job to help support the costs of running the pony? Can the pony be used at the stables by other riders (who would pay for it)? I know that at the stables my daughter rides at (costs us £80 a month just for the lessons and no way is she getting her own horse despite asking many, many times) that people allow their own horses to be used in lessons (both private and for people with learning disabilities as part of a local programme the school is involved with). This allows them to offset the cost of stabling and also means the horses get ridden regularly.

Is your mother in law prepared to pay for the upkeep of rhe pony she landed you with?

No?

Sell the mother in law.

Ftfy

Proper grown up chat with your Wife is needed so you can present a united front to the Daughter.

That really is a lot of money per month for the upkeep.

Also, what perchy said. MiL landed you in this, ask her to sort it out.

I thought hard before putting resentment but the dictionary definition is pretty much spot-on...

"to feel angry because you have been forced to accept someone or something that you do not like".

I coming from a background of growing up with horses and seeing the obsession with them wreck marriages (2 marriages in my sister-in-laws case) and many family relationships.

My daughter did get a job at Christmas working in a local pub and now pays for the shoeing and any small bits of tack she wants.

I should also add - the mother-in-law had a fall on Wednesday and had a new hip fitted yesterday! So fun times! 🙂

I think the conversation needs to be had with your wife sooner than later otherwise things will only get worse.

I sympathise,my mum is horse obsessed, but after divorcing my dad, she worked on minimum wage at a care home, but had to keep the horse, whilst i paid her mortgage most months, almost snuck into the field with a bolt gun a few times.. the stupid thing was that my mum didn't even ride it for the last 6 years of its life as she got spooked having fallen off

You may find it helpful to watch the episode of the Simpsons that has this exact plot

Assuming you want to leave out the drunken rant option, the approaches would seem to be either:

A. Make peace with the situation. Sure, the pony is costly, but hey, it's only money! You might get hit by a bus tomorrow! Your daughter will likely be off to Uni or what have you in a couple of years, so why not spoil her while you have her? Arguments along these lines.

B. Broach the subject with your wife. "Darling, I thought you wanted to pay off the mortgage so we could retire before our seventies? Oh, and weren't we hoping to go to the South of France this year? I'm not sure we can manage it with this turbo bill for the horse-waggon...".

Personally I'd be going with B, and even if that eventually resulted in A, at least we'd have had the discussion and I'd feel better about it.

You may find it helpful to watch the episode of the Simpsons that has this exact plot

Wasn't that an elephant 🙂

Tell your daughter she needs to get a weekend job to pay for HER pony, otherwise its being sold as you and your wife cannot afford to keep it.

Divorce and move out.

What Perchy said. Playing devil's advocate: if you have something you can't afford to keep then there's only one real solution, isn't there.

If you sell it, is there anything stopping you from going back to the previous arrangement? Paying a little for her to ride other folks' horses like she did before you owned one, rather than just "sorry love, no more horsing around for you."

Failing that, if the daughter was paying to ride the pony when it wasn't hers, can you not do the same thing and make a bit of coin back by renting it out to others?

How much joy is the horse bringing to your daughter? Is it worth £250 a month (forget all that stuff about the car and turbo which is a red herring)? Your daughter is a couple of years away from going off to uni etc. so is it worth ditching the horse for a couple of years holidays and a bit more dosh for you?

Is your mother in law prepared to pay for the upkeep of rhe pony she landed you with?

No?

Sell the pony.

This, or horse is nice cooked medium rare with chips if that helps at all.

Good grief, I sympathise with the OP and hope that it gets sorted.

Your MiL though that she was doing the right thing by buying Dobbin outright, but perhaps you and your partner should discuss the ongoing costs with her to ask if she would consider assisting with the upkeep.

Keep talking to your partner and try to find common ground, it may be that you both agree to encourage your daughter to contribute to Dobbin's costs by taking up a part time job. It could be that your partner and daughter make the decision to send Dobbin to the Bostik factory if they have part responsibility for sharing costs.

I hope that it resolves itself.

Ponies are so out-dated. From midnight she can have a free unicorn . . .

This, or horse is nice cooked medium rare with chips if that helps at all.

Only the better cuts, the rest will need stewing or a long slow cook to be melt in the mouth.

Thanks all - some good ways to approach the issue.

Your daughter is a couple of years away from going off to uni etc. so is it worth ditching the horse for a couple of years holidays and a bit more dosh for you?

🙂 She's aiming for an equine university to do a degree in horse physio!!!

I know really the problem is in my head and I need to deal with somehow. And it's a classic case of 1st world problems.

We can afford the pony - we're still paying the bills and not getting in to debt. It just means nothing is getting saved now and any overpayments on the mortgage have stopped. And any chance of my mid-life crisis sports-car have gone!

As for my daughter getting pleasure from it - she's obsessed. She's not al 'all show' pony club girl. She spends hours with the pony in all the muck and filth all weathers.

...and that's another thing - the house is starting to get that horse smell now! 🙂

What they said, but if you're near Cardiff I can probably help with the car.

I'd go for Tom's B above combined with the option of part time job after GCSEs are done and/or rent a donkey as suggested by others.

I'd certainly want to tough it through to July as far as daughter was concerned but you might want to be priming your partner now.

I'd also add that you have a right to be setting yourself up for retirement. Once basic needs are met then the rest of it is striking a balance. We all compromise for our kids but it's not all one way. When I was a kid there were always limits. At your daughter's age I sailed and I saved up to buy a second hand Laser dinghy at your daughter's age. Financial contribution for expensive hobbies are imo reasonable.

Ahahahahahahahaha

There's a reason that i'm allowed to laugh at you...

Say hello to Captain Blue

[img] [/img]

He's got cataracts in both eyes, arthritis in his hind quarters and for all that, he's happy as larry even at some point in his mid 20s. He's here for the long haul though, my wife has owned him
for over 20 years...

Despite the financial drain the whole family love the daft sod, two of my 3 kids regularly plod about on him (vet says he's not supposed to trot any more while being ridden) and have recently got into some internet video dressage thing that has a walking only class.

If that's really what they want to put their time/money into then the only way you're going to survive is to get on board (not literally). I squeeze a ride in when they head down to the stables and have recently been slowed down by my 4 year old wanting to ride his bike to the stables with me.

It's all getting outdoors at the end of the day, yeah you've had some crap luck with vets bills and the car breaking down but things should get better.

We can afford the pony – we’re still paying the bills and not getting in to debt. It just means nothing is getting saved now and any overpayments on the mortgage have stopped.

As for my daughter getting pleasure from it – she’s obsessed. She’s not al ‘all show’ pony club girl. She spends hours with the pony in all the muck and filth all weathers.

It kinds sounds worth it then. You probably still need to talk to your wife if it's upsetting you though, just make sure she realises that you see what your daughter gets from it.

If i remember rightly (from knowing so horse-owning types) shared ownership of ponies and horses is a thing, it might be worth looking into as if you can half the costs you might be able to make everyone happy.

What's the pony's remaining life expectancy?

Can your daughter share ownership of the pony with another kid?

Will it be a genuine help to her in her planned career? Will she have to go to uni or will her discovering her passion in life already save her £50k of debt or whatever?

My wife has 2 ponies, she rents a 2 acre field for £60 a month and the odd bag of food...hay is the biggest expense in the winter about £3.50 a day but that's seasonal...and those costs are for 2 ponies. Maybe look at not keeping it on livery?

Still I started to add up once what they cost a year then thought better of it!

Atleast discuss calmly with your wife how you feel before you all explode. There will be another side to this story. You might change your mind, they might compromise.

Will it be a genuine help to her in her planned career? Will she have to go to uni or will her discovering her passion in life already save her £50k of debt or whatever?

The Uni thing is the one thing I've insisted on - if she's going to go into the equine industry it's going to be at a decent level. There are far too many kids who start at a stable and drift along being grooms on minimum wage and end up with knackered bodies by the time they are 40.

You’re gonna need a bigger patio

We can afford the pony – we’re still paying the bills and not getting in to debt. It just means nothing is getting saved now and any overpayments on the mortgage have stopped. And any chance of my mid-life crisis sports-car have gone!

You can afford it and your daughter will be leaving home in a couple of years, so you're not saddled with the costs for long. Can't you change tack and pony up?

I'd like to point out here that were this a dog instead of a horse that was bringing your daughter (whom I presume you love and want to be happy?) so much happiness, I suspect the majority of the replies would be very different... And really, our horses (we have four) are just as much our pets as the dogs are - they have just as much personality, character and individuality, and are as much a part of the family.
Whilst your daughter has her horse, she is being responsible, is out in the fresh air and learning the value of hard work and commitment.
If it's not putting you in debt and you're not struggling, suck it up princess.. 😉

If its causing resentment you do need to do something about it.

But rather than address the issue head on about what to do now, try and get those involved to come up with a longer term plan that you can live with. Once you know that the issue is quantified and you can see an end point in a few years then it will be easier to live with.

^^^
Or it will just nag.

I take it the pony is only on part and not full livery? Are there cheaper yards in the area that you could move to? A rented field sounds like a great idea but then you lose access to Menage's and all the other bits that a decent livery yard has and may have to buy a field shelter. Difficult to cut costs other ways than renting the pony out for lessons if that's an option?

The equine bug bites very deep in some (my wife being one of them). On the plus side when I'm recruiting staff I always like it if they have an equine background as usually it means they have learnt about hard work when mucking out in all weathers etc and are usually grafters so it will stand her in good stead in the future.

Has she thought about Veterinary Nursing (can be done as degree course now)as can the specialise in Equine afterwards and probably gives a wider choice than equine physio of career options?

First of all you need to sit down and actually have a conversation with your wife about how you feel.

Honestly yes it seems a bit petulant. Are you sure its not got anything to do with the fact your wife and daughter have a thing they do together that you aren't involved in rather than the actual cost etc? I have seen that a lot with horse owners husbands, including a friend whos daughter shares one of my horses and who's dad has also come a bit resentful as he feels he doesnt see them as much (and his dinner isnt on the table two evenings a week...)

You've said you can afford it. £250 a month isnt a lot for horse livery, I certainly pay more. Hobbies cost money. If your daughter was playing football, or dancing, or swimming, or doing gymnastics it would cost money. Would you feel the same way if it was a hobby you were involved in?

Your daughter has gotten a job to help with the costs and is partaking in a hobby that gets her outside (not stuck behind a screen or on a phone) and teaches her hard work, determination, sacrifice and dedication. She will develop a work ethic like no other and learn to be unselfish with her time. Would you rather you broke her heart, sold the pony - who is probably her best friend in the whole wide world - and she retreated to her room?

Also your wife. Bereavement and grief are horrendous. I know there have been days in my life where the only reason I havent ended it all was the fact I had to get to the yard and see to my horses. They have been with me through the toughest of times and are often the only reason I am able to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

Your giving your daughter a way to make her dreams come true, teaching her life lessons and creating memories she will treasure. Instead of getting the hump why not try to get involved? Go to the yard. Ask about her lessons. Help bring in. Make an effort to understand its importance to your family. You might be surprised.

And any chance of my mid-life crisis sports-car have gone!

Suck it up! I’m saving to buy a secondhand Transition Klunker for my midlife crisis 😀

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ljPFZrRD3J8

Wait till she's at the stables rolling round in the hay forking shit in the stable then gallop in on a 19hand* charger, get to pull a sick manual rear up on its hind legs before you ambling gait the shit back out.

By having the better horse will make you feel better.

* Is 19 hands big? Or have described a shetland charger?

This could backfire spectacularly on you. Wife will point out the stupid amount of money you spend on your push bike riding about in silly clothes and point out this could be used towards the pony costs.

Poison the pony.

IS it the fact you work really hard , and they spend the money on the fricken pony and trap and its then not available for shiney bike things?
See, this is why I am long term single. I couldn't cope with that.
Uni is going to cost a truckload of cash that you have already sunk into dobbin and its associated running costs
If you were bunging the £250 a month on sensible things , as opposed to something that, lets face it, everyone could easily live without then it could be £80 a month into a SIPP / ISA, another £100 a month off the mortgage ( which will save you more than £100 a month as the interest is costing you on top ) and £70 a month into a saving plan for your daughtes uni fund.

Forget all the ' making memories' shit . That is a marketting mans wet dream come true as a way of emptying peoples wallets . The biggest memory you would be making would be presenting your daughter with a nice monthly allowance so she doesn;t have to work 3 jobs whilst at uni to pay her beer money and wil probably get a better grade because of that.

But do not do anything until the aniversary of death and GCSE's are finished . Then sell or rent out the pony to 2 or 3 other kids who think they want a real life my little pony anad let them foot the bills.Or sell it on and thank the lord that there wont be £500 a month on pony and trap carp leaving the bank .
Time to put on your big girls pants and try to explain in a calm but assertive manner that its all down to Brexit / Thatcher / Hitler , but Dobbing is going to be clip clopping his way out of your lives in the summer .

My wife also stopped riding as frequently, it has put a strain on our marriage too to be fair.

As for the pony, I know from my sister's experience with an exact same story as yours, (borrowed horse, owner wanting to sell) that they can be horrendously expensive. Her horse got kicked literally two weeks after taking "ownership" and her vets bill was 3.5k!!
Without meaning to be rude it really is a well off persons hobby in my book and if you can't afford it then it's got to go.

pull a sick manual rear up on its hind legs

What are those things like to bunny hop?

I think you just have to suck it up and deal with it - while to you it's just money you don't have to spend elsewhere, to your daughter it's probably the thing she loves most in the world. If it's also meaning that she's off riding/grooming/mucking out rather than sitting on a sofa glued to her phone or getting up to the usual nonsense that bored teens get up to then I'd suggest it's win-win.

[i]That really is a lot of money per month for the upkeep[/i]

Its really not...you got it treated for £1500...half the time you'd pay that just to find out what was wrong!!! And I didn't know you could get livery for £250! Jealous...just a bit...

My approach...is saving £xxx worth having an unhappy wife? No? Best just suck it up and pretend money grows on trees...

P.S Don't some equine uni's allow you to take horses etc? She can just add it to her student loan...

I've re-read the OP and essentially what you're saying is: "I want to stop spending money on something my daughter loves and spend it on what I want."

Have I got it correct there..?

There's a few things solutions I can think of that wouldn't involve parting with the pony. It's not just a pet, it's a lifestyle which will be a very good one when she qualifies.

What sort of livery do you have? Grass livery is £20 - £30pw and I'd expect hay and a shelter for that in most areas, it's also better for the horse. Have you considered working livery? A lot of riding schools don't own their own horses, there's strict welfare rules which prevents them from being over used and you often get free use of facilities too. You could also look for a sharer, and split the costs but you retain ownership.

How often is the trailer used? If she doesn't use it often it's normally fairly easy and cheap to get a lift or book a space in a lorry.

@joshvegas 19 is a lot of hands to have between your thighs

🙂 She’s aiming for an equine university to do a degree in horse physio!!!
As for my daughter getting pleasure from it – she’s obsessed. She’s not all ‘all show’ pony club girl. She spends hours with the pony in all the muck and filth all weathers.

I think that’s your answer, right there. Your best bet is to find cheaper options for stabling/livery, and find some way that your lass can contribute to the running costs.
The fact that she’s so besotted with the animal and horses in general that it’s the career she wants to follow shows that getting rid of the pony isn’t an option.

I know people are talking about cheaper yards/livery, but if she's on a good yard now with all the right facilities and (more importantly) good other liveries then I wouldn't chance a move - it's just not worth the hassle to save, what, £100 a month tops? Really good yards are tough to find, and a bad one is not worth any amount of money saved.

You are spending money on something your daughter loves and wants to make a career of. What is the issue?

She could be on drugs, a goth etc.

Get a grip. Love is when you sacrifice for someone else.

In light of recent posts, I withdraw my previous reply. You do need to deal with it though, resentment only ever escalates. Today's 'slightly miffed' is tomorrow's 'I'll murder you in your sleep you evil witch.'

To quote esteemed philosopher Randal Graves, you either need to shit or get off the pot.

All I'll say is that we (me, wife and 3 young daughters) moved to a house with 6 acres of paddocks and 7 stables 16 years ago.
I made it quite clear that I'd pay for all the riding lessons they wanted, but there was no way we were getting a horse.
I managed to make it stick and I'm glad I did!

‘slightly miffed’ is tomorrow’s ‘I’ll murder you in your sleep you evil witch.’

nice . harsh but true .

Still think you need to sit down with your wife and say your suffering anxirty / depression and not in a happy place right now.
She will ask why? ' To be honest love its because money is really tight and we are spending/comitted to Dobbin and all that it entails, its causing me mental anguish and I really cant see a way out to be honest and its a scary place to be .

All I’ll say is that we (me, wife and 3 young daughters) moved to a house with 6 acres of paddocks and 7 stables 16 years ago.

I really hope you filled those stables with Ford RS models that would have cost less at the time than a horse and are now worth 5x what you paid? You did didnt you?

Horses are bloody expensive. My MiL and SiL both have/had horses that they really couldn't afford, I just don't get it. Can't really offer any advice, but in your position I'd feel exactly the same.

Divorce and move out.

I think the £250/month for livery would pale into insignificance...

Ponies are for life not just for xmas you heartless bastard!!

She’s going to grow out of it in a couple of years. Live with it.

Seems the problem isn't your wife, your daughter, or the horse. It's the cost of the horse.

I'd suggest you stick it out till after GCSEs are done (currently walking on the same egg shells, been watching our kids grow up in parallel via this forum!) and then have a conversation with your wife about how you are going to afford the horse and your other plans for mortgage, holidays etc.

Try and focus on the issue being paying the cost, not wife, daughter or Dobbin.

They say money can't buy happiness.

In this case it looks like it is.

24 months x £250 = £6,000. That's on a par with what you could expect to pay if your daughter was doing something like dancing and ice skating. Less than the depreciation when you drive a new car out of the dealer. Ignore the incidental costs, they happen whatever you do,

Start preparing your daughter for her plan for the pony when she goes to Uni, ie make it plain it's her responsibility from there on. Then she'll make all the rational decisions that you won't be forced to make.

I can totally relate the the OP's angst. The thing that would get to me is the unpredictable costs like vet's bills, transport etc. I am sure if the costs were known and could be planned for the resentment would not be so high.

Can you convince her to trade Dobbin for a different, less expensive steed? Can pigs be ridden or deer?

Have you considered stick insects?

Triple patio?

HTHs

keep it in the back yard. it can live in the shed.

Pets are expensive, horses massively so. One of my colleagues is totally skint with her horse.

The car breaking is one thing, but you don't need to be able to tow the horse somewhere. Certainly look around for stables, look at daughter doing a part time job (probably more chance once she's 17 and at college).

Cycling is ruddy expensive, but not quite on the same league as horses for 'maintenance'. It's both your wife and daughter's hobby, and it's possibly one aspect that helps your wife deal with the loss of her dad.

So long as you say that the pony will prevent us having nice holidays etc. then they have to understand that.

Get your daughter a boyfriend.

HTHs

at least you'll have fresh meat after brexit

Cycling is ruddy expensive, but not quite on the same league as horses for ‘maintenance’.

I'm not so sure these days...eldest_oab rides the most and:
£1k forks and £150-300 a year to service twice.
Frame £2k, bearings X2 £50 and shock another £150-300 service twice.
Wear out a mid range drivetrain a year and it's £2-300
2x sets of brake pads.
2x sets of tyres.
He bust a wheel last month, £90
Reverb died the month before, £100
Wore out saddle, £25
Cables, grips..

I have a horse mad daughter, now 22, working part time at a riding centre and at a cafe and going through BHS training exams. We never gave in to the temptation to own a horse and just found other ways of getting her riding. Still not cheap if you are paying for regular riding lessons. Have a look at things like a local RDA to see if some of the costs could be shared, cheaper/shared livery etc.

I do agree with many of the previous posters though. If £250 can currently be afforded then maybe grin and bear it until she can take dobbin off to college/uni. Or consider the BHS route and avoid Uni fees/costs which will be a bigger saving in the long term. Most riding centre owners we've talked to prefer BHS trained staff to college/uni folk anyway.

Why is it on livery when it could quite happily live outside? How far away from home is it? Very least you could do is get it onto the equine equivalent of half-board instead of full bed and breakfast.

I think maybe your daughter could do to pitch in with the mucking out and feeding, and if this gets too much, lob it out into a field during the week.

24 months x £250 = £6,000. That’s on a par with what you could expect to pay if your daughter was doing something like dancing and ice skating. 

That's just livery, then it's vets fees, tack clothing and yes transporting the thing. It's not an ornament to look at, you take them places to ride gymkhanas etc which also cost money. Literally the expense is endless. We all want to give our children things they want, but not at the expense of everything else and financial stability.
If you can't comfortably afford the horse it has to go, anything else is just spoilt indulgence 🙁

Thanks again all - things have moved on a bit! 🙂

To clarify a few things...

The horse is on DIY livery. My daughter does all the mucking out/feeding/grooming etc.
The livery yard is a decent one - even I as a disliker of all things horse recognize that if you are training a horse for competitions etc., you need a mininum of a decent menage. A horse is a field is just a pet.

The livery yard is 10 minutes from home, and during school holidays my daughter cycles there on her own. We could get it a bit cheaper but much further away and that creates it's own problems then.

She's not a shirker and not afraid of hard work.

As for me joining in - that's a non starter. I've been around horses for 40+ years (rode till I was 15) - I know enough about them to know I want nothing to do with them anymore. Not even for my daughter. My daughter is fine with this - she'd rather me not be there than be there with a face like a smacked-arse asking if she's done yet.

On reflection - as many have said, I'm going to have to suck-it-up for a few years. At least when she goes to uni the pony goes with her so we'll get some time back.

Patio!? I only finished it last year - it'll look right dodgy if I rip it up and re-do it! 🙂

When my wife was seriously thinking about a career change that would seriously affect our finances and ability to live comfortably we had several chats where I went though the things we would have to sacrifice for her to be able to follow that path. Didn't fall out, no raised voices just discussion around what taking a certain decision would mean for other areas of life. I always said it was up to her and if that's what she really wanted then that's what we'd do but in the end she decided to remain in her current industry albeit after a job change.

Maybe that's the way to go? Talk about the strain it's putting on finances and suggest other areas you could save money (Shopping trips, holidays, house change, cheaper supermarket etc). Put the ball in her court but make it clear the status quo isn't an option. If she chooses Dobbin you'll have to suck it up but make sure you make the other changes.

Even up the spending

https://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/mid-life-crisis-motorbike-purchase/

I’ve been around horses for 40+ years (rode till I was 15) – I know enough about them to know I want nothing to do with them anymore.