WWSTWD? About to file a complaint to school...

I would meet with the HoY and the student welfare officer and ask again for a note to be sent to all her subject teachers so it doesn't happen.

Also your daughter may need some help to get over this. See the GP and see if a referral to CAMHS or other service is available. There may be long waits though so you might need a quicker private provider to help. See what your GP recommends. Some schools also have in house counseling so if offered that can be immediate.

Hope it all improves for you.

And as below. Don't go nuclear. Keep everyone on side. Your daughter will want to feel supported at school, not involved in some adversarial situation because of her parents.

Heres some Irony and let me say i completely feel and have lived your frustrations , my eldest is exactly the same.

By  nuclear I assume you dont mean my nuclear of removing her totally from the school then starting a group with 300 other parents who are organising legal proceedings against the school police and education authority. And thats before the policy which they say doesnt exist of offrolling the poorest performing kids with the most needs comes to the chat

Two sides to the argument here and I see both but one is not my problem

Schools massively underfunded in their send needs so cannot afford to provide the level of support required, its a business at the end of the day no matter how much lipstick you put on the pig, poor performers or high maintenance dont generate good ofstead or money

I dont run the school if the HOY cant manage to cut his/her cloth with what they have  then you can expect the legal repercussions of failing to protect childrens mental wellbeing and health and progress

Some kids will be 18 before they even get to see a specialist ,being put through the meat grinder of the system with their particular flavour of add/adhd (insert other here) being the only option which is massively damaging , problem doesnt belong to the school after GCSEs

It took 9 months to get a private diagnosis for ours luckily we had the money but many others do not and even if you can afford the private system is now chokka with parents looking for answers as to why their darlings are not flourishing that once you have an answer the school is still in the same position , they just cant help

Not a helpful attitude but

Its going to need a legal precedent to be set to get the government and education authority doing their effing job properly and the only way to do this it seems after 3 years of trying to work with the school, is to lawyer up, the feedback I get from other parents is the school complaints policy is a closed shop complaints system with no positive outcome for the children

Maybe facebook, digging a bit deeper witb other parents whos kids attend the school is best port in this storm

my child is now much more engaged in learning and goes to college once a month to asess her progress, it has literally been massive improvements all round

A polite reminder with HoY and explain what the 'actions' caused. Could be forgetfulness/stressed teacher - you don't know.

 Could be forgetfulness/stressed teacher – you don’t know

Oh its pretty easy to figure the teachers are overrun and then stressed out of the 200 days the Senco at our school works she has 360 kids to assess even at a day per child you can see the system is well and truly broken

I have no doubt in my mind the passion for her work in that woman will eventually run out

We had similar with our daughter a while back, some of the teachers, and consistently the same ones didn't appear to get the memo about additional support needs. and this was a school with a specialist unit in it as well as mainstream. My daughter was in mainstream, but the mechanisms for managing support were there.

We ended up removing her from certain classes, or for mornings/afternoons, otherwise she'd end up in a toilet cubicle to get away from it all.

the first few times we did it we ended up with the attendance officer at our door, but once we'd engaged with them, it became more formal and the support improved greatly. not to say there weren't hiccups, they have to manage a lot of kids, so it's a hard task, but on the whole, things worked out.

There were lots of meeting though. pretty much monthly meetings with HoY and the school support services for a few years.

Isn't this the second issue you've had with this daughter/school recently (moved sets in the other thread?)

If so, and it is your daughters GCSE year you need to stay calm not go nuclear as others have pointed out above.

schools are just not geared up to handle the number of kids now presenting with additional support requirements like your daughter.

Colleges too. My partner still teaches in further education and seemingly most of her day is taken up with trying to manage the complex needs of the bulk of her students. Massive amount of anxiety-based issues, gender/identity, home stuff, housing etc.

It seems like she has about five minutes to actually do any teaching of her subject. They don't get any PLA (personal learning advisor) support. They're expected to cope.

Incredibly difficult for all involved to teach and to keep up with the sheer level of emotional support needs, so whilst this person should be reminded, I feel like they should also have a bit of empathy.

Your daughter sounds like she does similar to what I used to do whenever I got asked anything I would explode internally and not attend afterwards.

Don't go ballistic with them but just keep the discussion going and reiterate your daughter's needs I'd say.

On a side note how is she going to cope post GCSE? Education at that levels requires interaction with teachers.

That's a problem we will deal with when we get to it.

Isn’t this the second issue you’ve had with this daughter/school recently (moved sets in the other thread?)

Yes it is. She's now back in the top set as the 'blip' was clearly a blip and the school quickly recognised that (although of course it added extra stress for our daughter unnecessarily)

Combine that with the number of parents looking for excuses for their kids poor performance who also tend to be very vocal a more measured response may yield results.

We're not looking for excuses – her grades are very good. We are just wanting support

See the GP and see if a referral to CAMHS or other service is available.

Already tried two different private routes. She doesn't like focus, this causes focus (and subsequent distress). I know it is 'head in the sand' to ignore it, but it certainly hasn't helped. She will get the support she needs when she is ready.

The whole thing is massively frustrating as we aren't asking for much – just that her teachers leave her to get on. She doesn't need any intervention until a teacher makes her a focus, then it spirals.

But overall, I know I shouldn't go in too hard, thanks for reminding me. I think we will just see if we can get a meeting with the teacher to sort it out. Frustratingly, it's an English teacher, our daughter wants to do A level English, and the teacher is the one who would likely be her teacher so we don't want to burn bridges.

I would suggest a face-to-face meeting and use it to clearly explain (again) to the teacher and their relevant boss, the impact of your daughter being asked to answer questions (ie missing further classes).

Sounds like you are coping pretty well and have good solutions in place (but if those solutions aren't followed then that's rubbish).

It may be helpful in the meeting to say how pleased you are with all the other teachers who are able to follow the suggestions.

If the grades are very good I'd not be worrying about her attendance record and what the teachers think of that. Think of the incidents as bumps in the road.

The problem with attendance is that it eventually leads to the local authority getting jumpy, threatening letters and ultimately a court summons for the parents under the Education Act. Worrying for parents (fines/jail threats etc) but also another massive cause of stress for the child.  But 87% isn't that bad yet, so whatever you can do now with the teachers being reminded, and on side will help massively.

As somebody who used to be a teenage girl, who was very bright but didn't like being called on in class - handling this by letting her avoid the problem might not be the best thing.  Perhaps the teacher is testing if she has changed, giving her the chance to prove that she can handle the attention, the sky won't fall in etc.  She won't gain confidence in herself, and that is what she needs, by hiding.

".If the grades are very good I’d not be worrying about her attendance record and what the teachers think of that. Think of the incidents as bumps in the road."

Definitely do not do this.

It seems to me your daughter is almost certainly ASD and probably has hyper focus disorder as well. These incidents are not bumps in the road, they are signs she is extremely stressed and the human body can only cope with so much stress. I know this from experience with my daughter. Without early and comprehensive intervention there may well be a big crash coming down the road as she can no longer summon up the energy to continually mask and has a breakdown. I'm sorry to scare you but its not a good situation and your HOY clearly does not understand how serious it is.

I'm really busy right now so no time to write a long post but please PM me as I have just been through exactly this.

Perhaps the teacher is testing if she has changed, giving her the chance to prove that she can handle the attention, the sky won’t fall in etc.

But it is not the teacher's choice to be making – there will be time for that at some point in the future but it certainly isn't now. We know because we have seen what can happen – her teacher has no idea whatsoever so cannot be making that decision. Yesterday's incident is a perfect example of how spectacularly wrong she got it – it was the first lesson of the day, she struggled in every single lesson after and couldn't go into her final lesson at all – so if it was a 'test', it cost our daughter a full day of education.

The time to show a young woman that she is capable and build her confidence is ALL the time.  Trying to control what is happening around her all the time clearly isn't working.  I feel for your daughter I really do,  and I hope this all resolves for her.

Trying to control what is happening around her all the time clearly isn’t working.

Conversely, if we don't try, she could not (emphasis on *could* not *would*) try something herself and she wouldn't attend school, wouldn't volunteer at the kennels, wouldn't go to netball training or matches, wouldn't go to friends' parties, wouldn't go to puppy training classes etc. She would spend her free time sitting in her room looking at social media. We have to do something.

Trying to control what is happening around her all the time clearly isn’t working.

This, million times, this. If the school should have done anything here, it's to manage yours and her expectations of what they can realistically do to support her and suggest strategies for when things don't go the way she is expecting.

See the GP and see if a referral to CAMHS or other service is available. There may be long waits though

Long waits is an understatement. Started the process with our child at 5, finally got diagnosis (ADD) at 22.

One option that may help is a 'prop' for your daughter to remind the teacher and make her feel better. A simple piece of paper that she can point to if called on that says 'no questions' or similar? Avoids her having to answer, or explain why she can't.

Would need to be agreed by the school of course.

If the school should have done anything here, it’s to manage yours and her expectations of what they can realistically do to support her

It isn't at all difficult – we are only asking the teachers to not single her out in lessons – nothing else whatsoever. It's when they forget that more of the school's time is needed.

"As somebody who used to be a teenage girl, who was very bright but didn’t like being called on in class – handling this by letting her avoid the problem might not be the best thing.  Perhaps the teacher is testing if she has changed, giving her the chance to prove that she can handle the attention, the sky won’t fall in etc.  She won’t gain confidence in herself, and that is what she needs, by hiding."

Unfortunately this is precisely the wrong approach, no matter how well meaning it is. Before I had first hand experience and three years of a very sharp learning curve involving doctors, therapists and ASD specialists - not to mention doing a lot of my own research it was exactly how I thought. It is in fact the best way to break a young person suffering from these disorders, especially a girl as they are far better at masking the symptoms until its too late to avoid a crisis. Boys with ASD are much more vocal, normally cause trouble earlier in the school program and are therefore identified quicker but girls get left as they 'are so good in class but so quiet' 'a delight to teach but so shy' 'so polite and lovely but she needs to speak up more in class'   No No No she doesn't need to speak up more in class, or rather she does but it will take a lot more than the teacher calling on her to make it happen. This lot more will probably include a diagnosis, therapy and almost certainly medication. Three things I was well against at the start of my daughters journey but I've seen her go from a normal high achieving child on the outside to the brink of insanity and now thanks to diagnosis, therapy and medication she is hopefully back to a semblance of happiness and at University. We are still taking it one day at a time though.

A diagnosis is the number one most important part of the solution as it unlocks all the other pieces of the jigsaw. Unfortunately you simply cannot get this on the NHS in time for it to be of benefit. Privately it will cost between £1500 and £4000 and for a proper clinic diagnosis you need to be referred by a GP

Its the best money we ever spent and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Once you have this you can get an Education, Health and Care Plan EHCP   This is an amazing document that sets out the educational and health special needs that will allow your daughter to begin to function normally. It varies from child to child but essentially its a legal document that means schools and universities take things very seriously. My daughter had access to a quiet space at all times, was allowed to leave lessons and return unasked, was allowed to take exams in a smaller room etc   Now she's at Exeter Uni they are being amazing and have so much support. All this is laid out in the ECHP. Its pretty much the only reason she can go there.

The other reasons she has made huge progress are therapy and medication but that's more private so I wouldn't talk about it on an open forum.

But it all starts with a diagnosis. Without that you'll always end up with people saying what the well meaning person said above which is vary versions of just pull yourself together and you're fine and the HYO thinking he can just get her to snap out of it.......THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN

Unfortunately an EHCP isn't always enough to unlock resources that just aren't there. Seems you've made good progress with her development but I still wonder what will happen at the next step in her life, Exeter Uni sound great, will an employer make such allowances, will your daughter get through an interview?

I'm not trying to be callous but outside help may (or more often may not) be available during education years but at some point our kids need to have their own coping strategies in place to cope on their own. I agree the snap out of it approach rarely if ever works but there's a balancing act between developing self contained coping strategies and relying on third party support.

That’s a problem we will deal with when we get to it.

Probably be too late by then.

"a balancing act between developing self contained coping strategies and relying on third party support"

I completely agree hence the other two pillars of the solution, therapy for the coping strategies and medication to provide scaffolding inside which these strategies can be built.

I feel sorry for her situation.  I do struggle with the idea that asking a child a question in class is singling them out.  If they were always the child asked then yes, but if she is being asked in a similar frequency to all the kids then I don’t see how she is being singled out.

I do struggle with the idea that asking a child a question in class is singling them out.  If they were always the child asked then yes, but if she sibling asked in a similar frequency to all the kids then I don’t see how she is being singled out.

But you aren't struggling with anxiety – she cannot cope with focus being on her.

I feel for your daughter but you're trying to make her (and your) problem, everyone else's.

I don't know what the solution is, but going nuclear is not it.

If she's having this problem in school, Real life is really going to **** her up.

Sorry have time to read all the thread but read op's post...most likely this is a simple mistake. I teach  about 9x30 kids all are individual with different needs, remembering everything about everyone whilst under the pressure of teaching is hard. I have in the past found that in a similar situation having the child have a red card or similar to wave at me when I get it wrong can help. Your daughter may not be comfortable doing this so just having a red card she gets out and puts next to her pencil case may also help or something even more subtle as agreed by the teacher. I very much doubt this is being done on purpose so a chat to the teacher and an agreement if some non verbal signal can be very helpful...just the chat may help it to sink in fully for the teacher.

johndoh

Free Member

I do struggle with the idea that asking a child a question in class is singling them out

But you aren’t struggling with anxiety – she cannot cope with focus being on her

"Singled out" suggests she's the only person receiving this treatment and that's not true. She's not being singled out, she's being treated the same as everybody else, but she's not able to engage like the rest of the class. I'm not saying there's no grounds to speak to the school, but accusing the teacher of singling her out is, IMO, unfair. If the only pupil this teacher asks for an answer from in class is your daughter then yes, she is being singled out.

I'd also bear in mind that the teacher probably teaches hundreds of kids each week, so maybe they've just made a genuine mistake in asking her for an answer.

By coincidence - a related teenage girl issue in the Guardian advice column - seen from her perspective and some helpful insights:

I’m 14 and stressed out with the pressure of school and friendships | Friendship | The Guardian

most likely this is a simple mistake. 

It really may be just that, but she is the Head of Department (so you'd assume she has the skills to perform to a higher level) and she has done it twice since the new year started (we reminded her again after the first incident). Anyway, we have requested a meeting to discuss it and hopefully when she fully understands the bigger picture (ie, how it doesn't just throw her out for a few minutes, it affects her whole day). For reference, since the first incident, she hadn't been able to go back into that class until yesterday when the teacher did the same thing again and we fully expect her to not be able to go in next week now as she has lost all trust in the teacher.

If she’s having this problem in school, Real life is really going to **** her up.

Yes, we are fully aware of that, but thanks for reminding us.

“Singled out” suggests she’s the only person receiving this treatment and that’s not true.

To be clear – I have not claimed she is being singled out – I responded to someone else who used that language.

Edit - sorry, I did say it. I didn't mean it in that way, I simply meant that her teachers know not to ask her questions, not to make her a focus.

It isn’t at all difficult – we are only asking the teachers to not single her out in lessons – nothing else whatsoever.

You ARE asking the school to single her out - by being the only one not asked questions in class.

It really may be just that, but she is the Head of Department (so you’d assume she has the skills to perform to a higher level)

From the other side - has all her classes to teach as well as ensuring delivery of quality teaching across all her teachers, and dealing with all their problems as well as her own. And has just made a mistake.

Also - and at the risk of tough love (again)

You asked for advice, you can't only listen to the advice that validates what you think and push back on against that which is different.

Edit. Post deleted.

Anyway, we have requested a meeting to discuss it

Nothing to add to all the wise words in the rest of the thread, other than to say I hope all goes well at the meeting my friend. <Thumbs up.>

As an aside, and definitely not saying this is the case with the op's daughter.

I've lost count of the number of pupils over the years who I've been told you absolutely must/must not do x,y or z with only to find that it just isn't the case. Often it has more to do with the parents' needs than those of the pupil.

In some schools you get bombarded with so many requests of this nature that it's impossible to keep track of them all and this can lead to the ones that really matter getting lost in the noise. It's like the boy who cried wolf.

Coming from someonw who struggled with the same thing, although nowhere near this level:

Conversely, if we don’t try, she could not (emphasis on *could* not *would*) try something herself and she wouldn’t attend school, wouldn’t volunteer at the kennels, wouldn’t go to netball training or matches, wouldn’t go to friends’ parties, wouldn’t go to puppy training classes etc. She would spend her free time sitting in her room looking at social media. We have to do something.

So she manages to interact with people at these other events and locations. is it just the school classroom thats an issue or have kennels, netball etc become safe spaces over time?

Worth remembering that y11 english is still mandatory for everyone and as a shy person in a big school (previously you mentioned setting) there's 30 people in the room she may not know well or at all. Next year things will improve greatly as not only is it voluntary attendance, she will have only 4? subjects and almost certianly smaller classes. Should see it becoming more of a "friendship" group so hopefully a less stressful situation.

Good luck johndoh! I've no helpful advice I'm afraid, but it sounds to me like you're doing a brilliant job with your daughter and I hope you can get this problem teacher fully with the programme.

The time to show a young woman that she is capable and build her confidence is ALL the time.

GCSE exams year is maybe not the time to be mucking about with major changes. First year of A' levels may allow for some shift in position but now is not the time, plus there's an opportunity to stretch the next set of examination subjects over 3 years. The extra maturity will help the young woman get her head into gear for coping.

Really wondering what is going through the minds of all the folk coming on here to tell you how challenging the next stage of school, life, whatever will be. As if you can just say 'oh yeah, better stop my daughter from having anxiety' and fix it all up. I really hope @johndoe that you have the strength to put the opinions of the know-it-all-internet blokes into the appropriate perspective.

Anyway, fwiw, when I was a teacher there were numerous times I made mistakes with the support needs of kids I taught and I'm mortified by them all. I tried my best to learn from those mistakes and managed to repair a lot of the relationships (including a case that has some parallels with your daughter). I think you've done the right thing to have a good old rant about it and it sounds like you intend to try and mend what needs fixing. Best of luck to you.

I really hope @johndoe that you have the strength to put the opinions of the know-it-all-internet blokes into the appropriate perspective.

Sounds like you think this is one of those threads where everyone wades in with unqualified opinions. There are a few posts that might fall into that category but the majority are from people with useful perspectives. There are those who identify with the op's daughter, several experienced teachers and some other interesting views.

When I was teaching I would often have kids who were painfully shy or reticent for all sorts of reasons. I was a firm believer in 'reading around the class,' Shakespeare plays etc, but would simply pass a kid who didn't want to do it and it didn't necessarily affect their achievements. Just a word to the teacher (HoYs can be very busy and preoccupied) should suffice.  A student who was severely dyslexic after a while put up her hand and said, 'Sir, I'll read', I had to look down with tears in the corner of my eyes. She did it and went on to do really well.

Many parents are disengaged or negative about schools but for most teachers a 'quiet word' would be noted and acted on.

But Bill - what you are saying is exactly what we are trying to get to - a teacher that understands, I really don’t feel we are expecting too much (despite what some people here are saying 🙁

the know-it-all-internet blokes

Not all blokes FWIW

John, what you are trying to achieve is completely reasonable and achievable. Maybe you're overempathising and internalising your daughter's stress. Just send a note saying how your daughter experiences anxiety in a number of contexts and that you would be most grateful if they gave her a bit of slack and you look forward to discussing her progress at the next parents' evening (and that you appreciate the difficult job they are doing!)  Job jobbed.

Really wondering what is going through the minds of all the folk coming on here to tell you how challenging the next stage of school, life,

Real world experience of being parents with kids that also suffered from anxiety (which in part is just an element of growing up for many kids, both of mine hated attention in the class room, my eldest in particular it was always shes lovely to teach but needs to engage more at parents evenings, she's twenty now and extremely confident). I appreciate the OPs daughter might be suffering on another level. However there is always the question of nature vs nurture (as unfashionable that may be these days) as the number of kids now presenting with life inhibiting levels of anxiety is massive compared to where it was 20 years ago. Whilst there were ujndoubtly kids 20 years ago who the system failed completely there's got to have been an element of a change in  parenting that also accounts for the rise.

This is backed up here by the wealth of professional experience of people seeing many many kids going through school so giving the OPs rather limited view of the situation some more context.

The reason for commenting on the future is the ground work for that starts now and it's important to factor that in not just to take action to survive the day  to day.

As if you can just say ‘oh yeah, better stop my daughter from having anxiety’ and fix it all up

Yes I think we all know that, thanks for mansplaining it for us.

Are we all on a spectrum of some sort, or is it nature / nurture that makes us turn out how we are as individuals?

Sort of feel for OP and also feel sorry for classroom teachers if every kid has such individual needs.

As a parent I would be doing everything I could to try and understand my kids anxiety and get them to the point when answering a question in a classroom is normal behaviour, not trying to protect them and reinforcing the anxiety. In fact both Mrs FD and I are fairly introverted. We both have to present things as part of our job which causes us anxiety, but we do it. Our sons school do public speaking, and he is doing a GCSE in it aged 14. He has no anxiety/ stress about this because it’s been normal for him from a young age

Does COVID have something to answer for where kids could ‘hide’ behind a computer screen?

If it’s not resolved now as a kid, adult life will be a miserable place for her. IMO as a parent it’s your responsibility to try and support her. Whether this is buying professional help or working it trough, rather than putting it at other people’s door or taking her out of the situation. Unfortunately the NHS and schools don’t have the resource (cash) to help with all this

edit: above post was posted at same point as I posted

"Whilst there were ujndoubtly kids 20 years ago who the system failed completely there’s got to have been an element of a change in  parenting that also accounts for the rise."

I would say there's been a massive societal shift over the last 20 years. Plus incredible COVID related disruption more recently.

It's a very delicate situation for Johndoh and he has my sympathy. I'd also be fuming in his position. But IMO all guns blazing is the wrong approach. A bit more understanding and empathy on both sides would be my suggestion.

Fascinating discussion..  a couple of points from me:

When Bill replied up thread with his view I thought it was a very mellow reasoned bit of input to support your view.  I was surprised by your reply below:

But Bill – what you are saying is exactly what we are trying to get to – a teacher that understands, I really don’t feel we are expecting too much

I think you took offence that simply wasn't given.  Bill can correct me if I've got it wrong but he was largely in agreement and supporting.  There are IMHO lots of replies on this thread that aren't in your corner, but take a pause each time and be careful not to take everything as an attack

The main point is that people need to realise that there are different levels of anxiety and issues. Loads of people have posted along the lines " I'm anxious but I still present for my FTSE 100 company" or " my son was anxious but still won the debating prize for Oxford"

The OP's kid's issue may well be on a completely different level, and what worked for you may not work for her.

OP

Teacher here and dad to a daughter who haf chronic fatigue and anxiety

I think what you are asking for is perfectly reasonable. The number of students any one teacher teaches might be a constraint. But surely after messing it up once you’d think it’s the one face you might remember. You’re daughter has the right to be treated as an individual.

Asking for a meeting is the correct response. Just calmly state the situation and reiterate the familys concerns and needs. Escalation might be email to head then chair of governors. IMHO that would be for refusal to help not honest mistakes.

I’m a big believer in the school system. But basically it is and always has been tough for some young people. Finding school difficult doesn’t mean that you can’t cope with the rest of life

I’ve probably said this before but for the record due to a combination of chronic fatigue and depression my daughter didn’t manage a full day at school ever in years 9,10 or 11. She did gcses on 4 hours tuition a week in our kitchen. She sat her gcse exams in our front room. Pretty good results. She illegally left school at 16 and did 2 open university units. During her gcses she might go 10 days with out leaving the house. Then i might get her to hobby craft but she’d make me pay so that she didn’t have to talk to the girl on the check out

To out amazement she said she was going to university. She was still having quite a lot of issues but was much more settled in the third year. University provided 18 counselling sessions which really helped

She then worked at the same college as me as a tutor 18 months. Still some issues as a few aspects of the job were a bit triggering. But she stood in front of classes every day

She set off for France to learn French. She had a room in a house and a place at a private language school. She managed 9 months in France building up a social life speaking French

She now lives away from home with a new admin job. She’s still not 100%. 2 days ago that she was looking for another job. One of her issues being is colleagues being disrespectful of students disability needs.

So I’d if you can go can go from not paying in hobby craft to a pretty normal life then 87% attendance and please didn’t ask me questions to normal seems entirely plausible. I’m really not buying into toughening up for school. School isn’t life

lines ” I’m anxious but I still present for my FTSE 100 company” or ” my son was anxious but still won the debating prize for Oxford”

My point of the example is I couldn’t put my kid in a situation which exacerbates the situation. I’m no psychologist but letting a kid sit at the back of a class not answering questions for 2 years isn’t doing anything to support removing the anxiety it just reinforces it and multiplies it

As a parent I would be trying to ask what can I do to help my daughter improve, not just sweep the issue under the carpet with an easy solution. That is not a criticism of OP.

I don't know, maybe the problem will go away if you manage it for a bit.  Being a teenager is hard for some people and lots of those pressures ease as you get older.  I really, really struggled as a teen with speaking in front of the class (bright red, teary eyes, shaking etc) but I can just about manage now!

I wonder if not having those memories of being stuck and embarrassed as a teen would have made uni/work life easier.

Another teacher's response (HoY too FWIW).

If kid has no identified SEND status then meet with HoY (OP mentions both HoY and Year Manager though - not sure what the distinction is?).

I'd there is SEND then meet with that team.

In both cases, explain concerns and ask for support with tackling anxiety rather than trying to avoid triggering situations (although this might well be part of the short term response).

Going in with an adversarial mindset will get nowhere. Decent HoY will discuss mentoring/counseling, potential MH/SEND referral and communications with teachers without being prompted or 'goaded'.

I am a Principal Teacher of Pastoral Care with a caseload of about 275 pupils. For each of these pupils I am expected to know their literacy and numeracy levels, whether they get free school meals, the deprivation index of the postcode they live in, any ASN needs they might have and the correct strategies to address them, any behavioural traits and the correct strategies to address them, whether they are a Young Carer, or if they are somewhere in the care system, or have been at any point in the past, as well as if they are on the Child Protection Register. Some pupils need time out, some need coloured overlays, some text-to-speech, and others speech-to-text. Some can't bear to see images of certain things as they are triggered. Allergies? Medical info? Know it. Some need to sit at the front, some at the back, some near the window, some near the door.

I absolutely promise you that the staff involved here are not doing it out of malice, or even incompetence. The reality is keeping all of this information in the front of your mind whilst delivering a curriculum, managing behaviour and remembering to breathe is very challenging. Sometimes things slip through. In these instances it was you daughter, and that is not nice for anyone involved.

As @Stevious "when I was a teacher there were numerous times I made mistakes with the support needs of kids I taught and I’m mortified by them all. " - this x 100.

No one is in the job to deliberately do this, as it would be far easier to earn a living somewhere else, and anyone who was truly malicious like that would never get anywhere near the profession in the 21st century.

Speak to the school. I fully expect that you will be received with sympathy and apology.

Ex teacher here. Had a few students similar who suffered from severe social anxiety in a busy environment. It was pretty easy to cater for the students by allowing them to sit where they felt most comfortable and not ask them questions infront of the group. Also not putting pressure on them to not present their work infront of an entire group if they didn't want to. It created a good relationship and actually encouraged them to speak out at times when they felt they could.

The problem was management and teaching observations. Not ofted. Ofsted were easy and understanding. The onsite management and observation team were a nightmare and simply didn't understand the students. They expected everyone to be confident extroverts. Stupid expectation. So it's a difficult situation. If she has a good teacher, they'll be understanding and will help. But, they will be under so much pressure to teach in different ways.

TroutWrestler has it. Having seen it from both sides as a HoY and a parent I can confirm that it's spot on.

Not ofted. Ofsted were easy and understanding. The onsite management and observation team were a nightmare and simply didn’t understand the students. They expected everyone to be confident extroverts.

As some one who is part of a team of 2 that devises and runs our observation program I’m really shocked by that. Its about a million miles from where we are.

I’m no psychologist but letting a kid sit at the back of a class not answering questions for 2 years isn’t doing anything to support removing the anxiety it just reinforces it and multiplies it

Or they may not be ready to do that just yet and forcing the issue will cause long-term damage to the student. We all develop competencies at differing speeds.

An article I read recently (from a former head teacher with a daughter with similar challenges) said that forcing a child back into situations is like telling someone to go back into their burning home. I think that perfectly sums up how people may feel.

At the risk of over simplifying or going off at a tangent but with no preloaded judgement, does she have a smart phone?

https://drchatterjee.com/how-smartphones-are-rewiring-our-brains-why-social-media-is-eradicating-childhood-the-truth-about-the-mental-health-epidemic-with-jonathan-haidt/

FWIW what you're saying resonates with my own experience of my 9yo daughter, although perhaps not quite to the same extent (yet, it could happen by the same age). I'm determined she doesn't have a smartphone until at least 14 based on evidence that is coming out.

Apologies if irrelevant.

Yes, naturally she does have a phone and we know it isn't helping, however she has had it since she started secondary school so it would be very difficult to take it away. We are constantly trying to find ways of stopping her from spending all her time on it.