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Inspired by this morning's insipid brown water, what's the worst coffee you've had?
I had the (genuine!) pleasure of being on a Brittany Ferries over-nighter last night, and while I love getting on a boat to and from France, I cannot fathom how they make such a terrible cup of coffee, even by French standards (the country isn't exactly known for their coffee...).
It came out of a commercial bean to cup machine, but even so, it barely tasted of coffee - it was utterly grim! Barely tasted of coffee, had no depth or texture, was worse than the cheapest instant.
At least the pain au chocolat was acceptable...!
I dread it when handed a cappuccino you can feel from the weigh that it is basically a manky white coffee. Special mention to Starbucks (which I try to avoid) and the others who go one step further an hand me a cup of hot milk!
Coffee from an urn at council organised training.
had no depth or texture
I can just about get my head around a taste having 'depth', but I have never got my head around a liquid having 'texture'. It's a words thing I appreciate, and that is not my specialist subject.
Worst - has to be the black instant stuff that used to come out machines at swimming pools in a plastic cup that was already so hot it was in a semi jelly like state and the contents might not pass the blind taste test with the bovril to work out which was which.
yep, that mellow birds stuff. ^^ up there ^^
The OH came back with a bag of this from Morisons a few weeks ago:
It was mingin, there's very little "coffee" flavor left, it's like someone has made espresso with charcoal.
It came out of a commercial bean to cup machine, but even so, it barely tasted of coffee – it was utterly grim! Barely tasted of coffee, had no depth or texture, was worse than the cheapest instant.
Holliday Inn Express' for a while* had Nescafe machines. They made posh coffees, from Nescafe red-top and was as bad as it sounds.
*there's obviously a rolling program of refurbishments, because some were surprisingly nice, at a guess I'm saying year 2000ish.
Worst ever coffee - the stuff that came out the machine in the factory I worked at for a while in my gap year.
It was 10p a cup and on the 2pm-10pm shift I really needed caffeine to get through the last few hours, but it was memorably awful.
The machine somehow superheated the 'coffee' to at least 130 degrees celcius and it then would go from being scaldingly hot to stone cold if you so much as took your eye off it. So giving your mouth third degree burns was the lesser of two evils there.
Then the taste. If you had to distil 'acridness' this would be it. With notes of your least-favourite teacher's bad coffee breath, and stale cigarette smoke.
I can't remember if it was a Kenco or Nescafe machine, definitely one of those two.
Ironically on Brazilian Airlines. I don't know what the **** it was other than it came from some a sachet, was extremely sweet, and the flight attendant claimed it was coffee.
Starbucks. It's just a massive cup of warm milk
Common or garden coffee in Colombia no less. All the good stuff goes for export, the locals drink something that tastes like cheap instant diluted with dish water. Ironically the 'national drink' is 'un tinto', a small, strong black coffee, but mostly it's horrific ime. I'm sure you can find decent coffee in Colombia, but it wasn't easy when I was there.
Starbucks. It’s just a massive cup of warm milk
I once made the same observation, well actually I described Starbucks "coffee" as coffee-coloured warm milk, and someone who I won't name was deeply offended. Mind you it was probably because I said it so you might get away with it.
It was quite a few years ago but it has always remained stuck in my head because it was such a ridiculous thing to get wound up about.
The tin of Kenco in the staff room makes pretty desperate coffee.
The stuff you get at Screwfix when you finally agree to register for the trade counter where I was promised coffee would be on offer.
It wasn't worth the time to fill out the form.
Lidl own instant. I took it back because it had a really odd chemical smell. They refused to exchange or refund, you have to contact Lidl via blabla. I did consider emptying it out in front of the entrance but realised that would penalise the customers not Lidl so vowed to buy coffee elsewhere and gave the coffee to Madame Edukator to leave next to the kettle at work for anyone brave enough to drink it.
Sounds like Brittany Ferries had the same supplier as Disneyland Paris. Utterly vile, bitter rubbish. Think it was the Segafredo brand you get all over France; definitely one to avoid.
Ignoring instant, of which there are many many horrors,
For a nation obsessed with coffee, the go-to in the US is Folger's and it is grim. It's the Hershey's of the coffee world.
As for instant,
Supermarket brands are always going to be barely drinkable at best, but I cannot fathom why Nescafe is so popular. It was regarded as a premium brand when I was young, was that because there was bog all else? It's filthy. And not in a good way.
On the highstreet I can stomach Costa or Nero but Starbucks is utterly rank - bitter, cigarette flavoured stuff - grim. Apparently it's got a punchy flavour to cut through the cream and syrups that most people think coffee requires, but if you want a straight americano or flat white, it's disgusting.
While I appreciate the snobbyness of my attitude, I genuinely don't understand why you walk down a street with independent coffee places, and the chains, and see people drinking Costa/'bucks/Nero etc - they're no cheaper. I don't get why you'd think you were getting a better product?
The instant muck they serve up on south west trains for the bargain price of about £3 a cup. Or maybe used to, haven’t bought one for a few years now. Think it was kenco.
Worst “proper” coffee I’ve tried is the Costa own brand stuff, Tesco were doing it for £2.50 a bag so I thought I’d give it a shot. Absolutely no taste of anything to it, gawd knows what they make it from, coffee it ain’t.
Depends on expectations. As said already you’d expect Starbucks to be better, can’t fathom how/why they think it’s a premium product.
French coffee is the same, I don’t expect a US diner such as Denny’s to give me a decent coffee but somehow France produces some grim shit in the nicest of cafés
I cannot fathom why Nescafe is so popular.
It's down to the wrist action when you shake the coffee beans.
I can just about get my head around a taste having ‘depth’, but I have never got my head around a liquid having ‘texture’.
In the coffee snob world (I am one), 'texture' or 'mouthfeel' means 'fines' (bits of ground coffee detritus) suspended in your brew!
While I appreciate the snobbyness of my attitude, I genuinely don’t understand why you walk down a street with independent coffee places, and the chains, and see people drinking Costa/’bucks/Nero etc – they’re no cheaper. I don’t get why you’d think you were getting a better product?
Nero's is usually good enough.
The problem is, that if I'm looking for coffee, then I'm in some sort of state where being better would be an improvement. I might not be having a bad day, but things are hanging I the balance and I need caffeine more than I need the extortionate £5.60 it will cost me.
So unless it's on recommendation, or their shop window has some really strong cake game. Then I'm not prepared to risk being "could be better" turning into a bad day because some hipster thought he could start a coffee shop.
Same reason Greggs exists. I could risk the local cafe for breakfast at 6am in a provincial town (the independent coffee shop doesn't open till 9 obviously). But I'm already exhausted and just want coffee and a breakfast roll and to not start the day with disappointment and sadness thinking that even Greggs would have been better than this.
The stuff you get at Screwfix when you finally agree to register for the trade counter where I was promised coffee would be on offer.
Whilst doing our house up I must have been in there daily and they asked did I want a trade account and they started filling out the forms. Got as far as "qualifications" yes Degrees in Chemistry, Chemical Engineering and the APMP's Project Management qualification. Computer says no. Do you have any NVQ's?
So I still don't get to use the tradesman's entrance and drink the free coffee.
Toolstation do free coffee, but it's hotter than the sun. So what are you supposed to do with it? Walk back to the van, your palm getting 3rd degree burns through the 5 micron thick plastic cup, and then spill it because they don't come with a lid?
My youngest daughter does a dance class on Saturday mornings at Washington Arts Centre. The pub there does "coffee". Their barista was evidently taught by Baldrick and uses the same ingredients found in his front line trench coffee.
Starbucks. It’s just a massive cup of warm milk
If you ever use those Costa Express machines you get in garages and some service stations... Have a look at it when it makes your drink. 20 seconds of foamy milk. 20 seconds of steamed milk. A slight pause. And then the machine literally just spits a small mouthful of coffee into it at the end.
If i can get away with it, I sometimes select flat white, then let half the milk pour into the tray underneath then once it's made what it likes to think of as a flat white, I'll add a shot of espresso in on top. And then take it to the till with the receipt for a flat white. It's the only way to actually get coffee taste out of it.
France produces some grim shit in the nicest of cafés
Can't argue with that. 🙁
The one at the fancy wedding venue/posh hotel we stayed in at the weekend caught me out. Lovely cooked breakfast with all the posh trimmings. Then a dowe eggberts (?) coffee machine that must have been using powedered milk. The cappucino I selected just tasted so synthetic and chemically that one sip was all I could stomach. By then there was too much of a queue to go and get a black coffee so I went without.
If you ever use those Costa Express machines you get in garages and some service stations… Have a look at it when it makes your drink. 20 seconds of foamy milk. 20 seconds of steamed milk. A slight pause. And then the machine literally just spits a small mouthful of coffee into it at the end.
I've seen inside vending machines, the vending machine Service Tech struck me as someone useful to befriend and I had a natural curiosity because of course I did. (As it turned out, they have a degree of wiggle room as to what they actually refill the machines with.)
Also, in a past life I worked in a bowling alley where we had a counter-top one and one of the [daily|weekly]? scheduled tasks was to tear it down, clean it and put it back together.
I am never, ever drinking vending machine coffee. A well-maintained one is grim enough, I'm surprised Preston Megabowl didn't have a Listeria outbreak.
On Lewis in about 2006 we got given a cafetiere with instant coffee in it.
Starbucks of the big chains is by far the worst. However, Greek coffee wins it for me.
As far as the chains go, there’s something about Starbucks that tastes poisonous to me.
As far as national bad coffee goes, France wins that one for me. Painful to drink. How do they do it?
The Costa machines in some premier inns makes the garage machines seem like some boutique brand whose beans are grown with love by Monty Don.
When I worked on the Forth Bridge the safety critical guys drank something instant in a sachet that made Maxwell house appear up market. We referred to it as gravy granules, which is perhaps a disservice to bisto.
Conferences at big hotels in America. I think they prep it about three weeks in advance and then keep it just off the boil until the morning it’s required.
My grandma used to serve up Camp coffee. Dreadful stuff. That Ueshima is pretty poor too. Birds Mild is flavourless.
Tim Hortons was surprisingly poor I thought. Of the high street chains I think Nero is probably the best.
Wild Bean Cafe at BP garages in 00's was uniformly bad. Starbucks is barely coffee adjacent.
“Tim Hortons was surprisingly poor I thought.”
Heretic!
To be honest, I prefer McD’s to Costa, and it is half the price. But I would only ever drink it when travelling. Otherwise, I just prefer my own. Almost nothing tastes as good as the stuff I make myself at home. Except the coffee at the NLC in London. That’s good stuff, that is.
Smile Bungalows, Bottle Beach, Koh Phangan, Thailand. It cannot be just an accident, they must go out of their way to make it that bad.
I know it’s not a popular opinion but I much prefer Starbucks of the major chains, usually espresso or occasionally macchiato - I find Costa too sour, Nero a bit weak.
Mexico does bad coffee — usually tepid instant with about 8 teaspoons of sugar in, but you can find good stuff if you look for it. In Chile, a 'fancy' coffee is a cup of hot water and a sachet of instant Nescafe. I wouldn't tell them, but Spain does pretty abysmal coffee overall — basically black sludge and an "Americano" is just an expresso with the machine left running, basically a tall glass of panic attack. Mostly consumed with copious amounts of milk and sugar, disgusting but at least it's cheap.
Back in the 90's had a job refilling Klix drinks machines. Muddy puddle with a lingering chemical aftertaste would be my memory of the coffee, was better than the tea or 'soup' though!
An americano from number 1 cafe in Innerleithen. Had the appearance of dish water that you’d left the roasting tin in to soak for a few hours, which may of explained the faint chicken broth flavour. Nice omelette though
... what’s the worst coffee you’ve had?
One of the cheap Fairtrade brands, then the Costa Coffee, then a local cafe etc, too many to mention.
Actually, it is better to name good coffee because it is so difficult to find a good one.
weirdly, although Starbucks coffee is yuk, their tea is not too bad...
The old BR on train catering. I would always get "tea" as it tasted just the same and was cheaper.
The worst one I had recently was a black Americano from Starbucks at Milton Keynes Central station. The coffee itself was unremarkable but £4.20 for hot water with a bit of coffee flavour? That left a nasty taste.
Nescafe original.
Starbucks. Tastes like burnt arse hair. Probably.
I can actually tolerate instant, dealt with it for years as unlike some I didn't have all the time in the world to fanny about making a brew. Now I do I never touch the stuff and it helps regulate how much I drink. Even had a decaff macchiato out the industrial Nescafe machine at work. Didn't taste bad, just didn't taste of anything.
Actually had decent coffee in Lanzarote, cortados are good.
It's probably better now, but BITD when traveling in SE Asia, a Lao cappucino was actually wickedly strong instant with condensed milk. I can still taste it.
My contribution to the best coffee thread was americanos in northern Spain. 🙂 Tastes differ I guess. My brew at home is Senseo Classique and I rarely drink coffee in French cafés because it's too bitter.
Tim Hortons at Birstall. I went there full of hope for a nostalgia blast. Alas they failed to live up to the memories.
Best coffee was on the boardwalk at Kandahar Airfield, either TH or Green Bean.
RM, what about 'coffee' which could also be tea. Beverage, hot, general purpose L1A1. Served out of a norgie with top notes of all in stew and a bouquet of compo sausages.
RM, what about ‘coffee’ which could also be tea. Beverage, hot, general purpose L1A1. Served out of a norgie with top notes of all in stew and a bouquet of compo sausages.
Coftea? I didn't think many would get the reference 😂.
But yeah, that mystery hot morale juice served out of a heavily stained container is something that will be remembered fondly.
I really recommend this podcast about coffee, with James Hoffman, even if you're not a fan of Diary of a CEO. Really entertaining and informative. I think the reviews of 4 high street coffees and an independent is at about 35 minutes and well worth watching. You'll all agree! 😂
When I worked on the Forth Bridge the safety critical guys drank something instant in a sachet that made Maxwell house appear up market. We referred to it as gravy granules, which is perhaps a disservice to bisto.
That's just reminded me. Working away years ago with my mate Dave. We'd stopped at some random café for breakfast and got the weirdest coffee I've ever known. You know how you watch a film and go "oh, I know that guy, who is he?" We were doing that with the coffee, what is that taste?
The it hit us and we both agreed. It tasted exactly like Weetabix. Weetabix coffee.
When I was young and money was too tight to afford instant coffee, we would be given Camp chicory and coffee essence 🤮🤮 (of course my parents generation had everything so easy 😉).
Of the high street brand McDonald's is awful, had it once never again. Costa is just bitter, Starbucks is weak. Nero is okay, but Pret is actually pretty good, IMHO.
But generally I'd rather go to an independent. Even if it's crap it's not going to be worse than McD and at least the money goes into the local economy.
Yeah the factory coffee machines with the beige plastic cups were pretty dire. When I first worked at a place like that I got schooled on how to use them - ie hit the strong button. It was pretty much why I started drinking coffee. Prior to that, I think my gran made me a cup of Camp Coffee once when I was in my early teens I think - which I remember liking.
Can't say what the worst coffee I've drunk is. Probably a cup of instant at my parents - they don't drink coffee, and I was desperate for coffee so used the jar that had gone stale - stale instant coffee - it changes colour, depending on brand usually some shade of gray. Might need to knock it about to de-clump it. Tasted like shit, but I drunk most of it.
Realized this evening I drunk a mug of decaf that was heading the same way - utterly pointless.
had no depth or texture
Frankly, if I start getting ‘texture’, then I’m gonna be worried about the cleaning regime of the machine!
TBH, I rarely drink coffee, never at home, and usually mocha if I’m in a cafe somewhere.
There’s a Costa, a Nero and a number of other cafes in town, my favourite closes at 3pm, because they’re open again at 5 for evening meals, but they do good coffee, but if they’re closed I go to the Nero, they’ve got nice comfy seats.
What was the Wilco store, and was originally a big grand Co-op, is being refitted to become a Tesco Express, because the precinct behind it is likely to be redeveloped, but one of the front corner sections, I’ve learned, is going to be a Starbucks! Oh joy of joys, let my excitement be unconfined! 😝🤬 Chippenham had a ‘bucks years ago, when coffee chains were a Whizzy New Thing, and there were cafes around, but not like these places from America. It lasted maybe a couple of years, possibly less, because people quickly realised just how shit their coffee actually was. There were two in Bath, one of those shut soon after, the other lasted a bit longer, mainly, I guess, because it was a name all the international tourists were familiar with.
Worst coffee I’ve ever had? When I was at college in Bristol on day-release, there was a machine in the student canteen. It was absolutely rank! It smelt like the pipes were just left from week to week with no cleaning, like the dishcloth that gets chucked under the sink after wiping the draining board off. I’m feeling queasy just thinking about it now, and that was probably fifty years ago! 🤢
Just standard nescafe, it tastes like an ashtray.
In Singapore, they drink instant coffee that's about 50% sweetened condensed milk. It's just awful. Yes, you can get decent coffee at a proper coffee shop, but if you go to a local eatery, they'll serve you the local drink.
Starbucks. It’s just a massive cup of warm milk
The problem with Starbucks is that they overbrew the coffee because they are basically selling coffee-based drinks with lots of milk and sugar. Those things are bad enough, but if you order a coffee, it tastes **** too because it's overbrewed.
The coffee served with the complimentary breakfast in motels in the USA has to be as bad as it gets.
Balgownie blend beans as served in many Aberdeen offices b2c is pretty awful.
To the point that if my 0.750l homebrew runs out during the day and I want more for what ever reason I'll nip to the Starbucks up the road.
Even Costco dark roast beans is better and that's pretty bad.
France wins that one for me. Painful to drink. How do they do it?
So having spent a lot of time working in France, french coffee has exactly one task, and that is WAKE YOU UP.
After the two bottles of red wine after work every night with the workmates it is certainly needed!
Even Costco dark roast beans is better and that’s pretty bad.
You know that Costco source their coffee from Starbucks, right?
@blokeuptheroad & @relapsed_mandalorian
Also requires an aftertaste of diesel/kerosene and served in the middle of a cold wet forest for the full experience.
Frankly, if I start getting ‘texture’, then I’m gonna be worried about the cleaning regime of the machine!
Good coffee does have texture/mouthfeel though, because it's an emulsion.
If it resembles water then something has gone wrong.
Anything (everything) served at Tim Hortons. How on earth they are actually in business is a mystery. Just dreadful coffee. Starbucks is world-barista-championships-winning by comparison (which is in itself a whole lot better than Costa).
You know that Costco source their coffee from Starbucks, right?
you know its custom roast and not the same as they sell in their shops ?
Starbucks isn't great either -its just better than the stuff in the office B2C
and I can’t fathom why costa/strbuck/nero is poor when it’s their core business
Same reason MacDonalds burgers are terrible, lowest common denominator innit.
I am never, ever drinking vending machine coffee. A well-maintained one is grim enough, I’m surprised Preston Megabowl didn’t have a Listeria outbreak.
They put a little tent over the ones in the factory here when they clean or fill them, ostensibly for hygiene reasons, i'm not so sure. Some of those machines are pumping out a cup of coffee every 60-90 seconds for 3 shifts a day, 6 days a week...
Swedes/Scandis drink a metric tonne of crap coffee, daily. Some of my colleagues will have had 4 or 5 before i roll into the office at 8. If they didn't get up so early, they wouldn't need so much coffee to stay awake.
Also, have mentioned it before, but Volvo HQ is in the midst of a full on coffee war at the moment, we now have 5 different coffee locations (with baristas) across the main site (up from 4 last year) and two different people who turn up in vans Morning and Lunch time for a couple of hours.
Shame i think it's rancid and it makes me nauseous...
Greggs
I'll see your Greggs and raise you Greggs decaf.
They use instant coffee because there isn't enough demand to justify getting beans in.
And yes, Greggs own brand instant decaf is every bit as bad as you'd imagine!
I had to resort to a 'Costa Express' machine the other day. Just rank, so bitter.
This morning I ordered a couple of spring rolls and a coffee from a kiosk by the beach. They guy gave me the coffee and said he has a rule that the first coffee he serves each day is free, in return for a verbal review.
The coffee was rank, I just didn’t know what to say.
I went to a greasy spoon in the highlands. I knew it wasn't going to be good but had no option so when I saw latte on the board I thought it cant be easy to screw that up. Then I watched the server put catering grade instant coffee, water, and elmlea in a mug, then stir it with a teaspoon.
But at least I knew what to expect, the local posh cafe have a professional coffee machine that probably cost them thousands- worked by kids with no training on how to use it, and its vile.
An americano from number 1 cafe in Innerleithen. Had the appearance of dish water that you’d left the roasting tin in to soak for a few hours, which may of explained the faint chicken broth flavour. Nice omelette though
You have been exceptionally unlucky. What did they say?