Work Stress - Options?

Happened to me about 20 years ago, massively complicationed project that was completely under-estimated by the project director and did the ‘honourable’ thing of shooting the messenger when I informed them of the state of affairs.

From my own experience, unless there’s a wholesale positive change to the way that your work can be delivered then apart from time away from the job there’s probably few options available to you. This is simply down to management /organisational failure to provide the right resources and take appropriate mitigating action rather than this being down to you.

Put your health first before any other considerations - talk it through with your wife if you can as under extreme stress you can suffer from tunnel vision/ not see the full picture. Your GP will probably sign you off if you present to him your symptoms, but also see if your employer has access to an employee welfare programme e.g. counselling or talking therapy can be helpful in these type of situations.

Sounds a nightmare and like you need to phone in sick and see the GP before you have a  breakdown. Also get a new job  no wonder everyone's left, lives too short, **** them, they don't care about you.

You obviously know that self medicating on booze and presumably coffee/caffeine and not eating will destroy your sleep and add to your stress levels.  Get signed off, get fresh air, relax, recover and reassess.  Life goes on, whatever you might think now things can be so much better.

I was pushed into a breakdown through work in the past. Forced to cover and take flack for an alcoholic boss by senior management and partner organisations who avoided dealing with him and the issues he caused for years.

I'm in a similar situation, but not as extreme and my thoughts are that being off on any sort of stress leave thats long enough to help may impede my chances of securing an internal move.

I've put the feelers out to see if I can find anything but it feels a bit like playing a game of chicken with my physical and mental health, if push comes to shove I will take the stress leave.

It sounds to me like you are at the point you need to bite that bullet and see your GP

Editing to say - as mentioned above the 3 things you can control to make yourself potentially feel better are your sleep, diet, and exercise. Squeeze a walk/ride/run in everyday, eat well and don't drink alcohol, and then try and find somewhere to take your mind that isn't work at bedtime and get as many hours in as you can and it will help minimise the overwhelming feeling of the stress.

Thanks all - putting it down on paper has helped make something clear;

two of my projects has been programmed for delivery fr next year. Due to other project slippage I’ve been told to deliver early - setting up for fail

Incorrect instructions given verbally, no paper trail. My subsequent actions create example of “failure to follow process”

been told to lessen paper trail in decision making process- fertile ground for pinning any subsequent failure on me with no recourse.

im being set up as the fall guy for my management team missing their targets.

bugger.

Doing nothing will get you nowhere.

Phone in sick and get on the doctors.

And when you phone in sick tell them its stress and that you are heading to the doctor's.

To add to what others have said, your boss sounds like the point of failure here - if you are that critical they should be making very sure you are OK not persecuting you. The whole attempt to make sure no evidence of their actions super red flag. Keep your own written note of any verbal instructions date stamped by emailing it, and dig up your company whistleblowing policy.

Good luck and well done for sharing,  now get out and ride your bike!

This sort of stuff just doesn’t compute for me, sorry.

“ My response of “You explicitly told me to issue XX and do so immediately” didn’t go down well.”

If this happened to me, it wouldn’t go down well with *me* and the way the interaction with my boss would go is that I would make it very clear that I was not happy with their behaviour.

Get out. Go on the sick, sort your cv, look internally, your bosses aren't changing, you need to make the change.

Also speak to union and raise a grievance, cover your arse, basically.

If they're genuinely reliant on you to deliver those projects they've just ****ed themselves. Don't feel bad about it, they don't.

Been in that situation, left because I had a breakdown. Dont let it get that far, your only realistic option is to move on. Definitely get signed off with stress, will make it more difficult for them to sack you for performance if there is recorded work related stress issues. I left it too late and when I physically collapsed due to the stress there was nothing on record so they just sacked me, did get a big pay out though not to take them to a tribunal which I would have easily won.

Bottom line is your managers won't change.

This is simply down to management /organisational failure to provide the right resources and take appropriate mitigating action rather than this being down to you.

This. As others have said, get yourself signed off, let your manager know why you’ve been signed off and if you do want to stay, explain that the causal factors need to change. And start looking for another job.

I’m due to move employers in a couple of months due to basically impossible deliverables with no resources and changing priorities. It stems almost entirely from the top. In fact all three directors in my area have resigned in the last three months. Hopefully they’ll see it as a sign but I doubt it.

Started a new job 2 years ago to a newly put together team and there has been a 100% turn over of staff, bar me on team.

I took that as a bit of a clue before i even got into the meat of your post tbh.

Happened to me some time ago. Don't go in, see your GP. It feels hard to do that. My reaction was to try and fight it and carry on. That went badly and my response to the situation got worse and it spiralled. What you describe sounds like this is happening above you and they are making poor decisions and mistakes.

How big is the company? Going off with stress should trigger some sort of response when you return to work. Action plans and the like. This might go some way to mitigate. In a big company that will be someone outside your immediate work area (HR) in a smaller company it will be less ideal as it might be your boss. I found out through this that the company had a part time counsellor onsite (I was not alone!) and many others had moved internally and carried on their careers.

I eventually left. It got to the point where small improvements weren't going to do anything - a bigger change was needed. In fairness I did have the option of an internal move but as I was considering moving I looked externally and found something really interesting. I did recently apply back to the company for a job.

Do you have any sort of employee health care or assistance program. It can be worth looking at option. I realised there were two parts to the problem. The problem itself and my reaction too it. I couldn't do anything about the problem but can work on my reaction to it. A lot easier said than done.

https://letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au/2020/07/20/acceptance/

The other thing is doing something to clear your head and give you space. Some people find meditation works (Look up the Balance or Headspace apps). I found they were good for low level stress but not once it got unmanageable). Riding with friends helped. As did riding technical mtb. Both made me focus on the moment rather than worry.

Good luck.

Sounds very familiar.  For about a decade, I was in the best job I'd ever had. I was great at what I did and was also regarded as the best person for the new comers to learn from. Then the company decided to start forcing square pegs into round holes just at the start of the pandemic. I was moved from the fast paced reactive role where I exceeded to a project management role with no support for learning the policies and procedures that were new to me.

Long story short, two horrible years of stress where I was was still trying to do my best and making myself unwell trying.

Based on what I learned from that times I'd advise seeing the doctor and using any formal process your company has. Use your union if you have one although my Prospect rep was totally useless.

You may be one of the lucky few who works at a company that will listen and help but in most cases, they only pay lip service to employee care and mental health. It's important to realise that this is the beginning of the end with your current employer. Start looking for a new job. Given where your head will be, this is easier said than done.

I now work somewhere where the knowledge and expertise I bring a massively appreciated and there's so much less stress. Interesting, the old place is still hemorrhaging staff and still unwilling to acknowledge why.

Best of luck with it.

All the above

Plus keep  written record of each incident, dates time person etc

From a practical pov, the awake in bed issue is horrible, been there. I was shown a good technique to break the stuck record of thoughts going round and round. Take a glass and run some water in to about a quarter full. Add three small drops of juice or squash, tiny drops. Sit and sip the drink for about 5 minutes. Go back to bed, drift off.

Weird but it seems to work

Doctors note.

And do you have a useful HR / occupational health team?

I've been there changing sheets at 3am due to them being ringing wet with sweat.  Not being able to have a conversation with my missus with out going into a rage.

I quit.  Bes thing i did

Sorry it’s an awful situation to be in.

Unfortunately I can see the only long term solution is to get out of the company. Even if the failure point is your manager , the fact the organisation cannot see that means they are not worth staying in

You could try fighting the incompetence above you, but I’ve rarely seen that work out well if the company are not already asking questions as to why so many people are leaving

Not emailing is just bonkers / documenting is just bonkers, and yes setting you up to fail

Either take some time off sick now, or structure your plan to get out

I broadly agree with others above.  You sound close to breaking point.

Incorrect instructions given verbally, no paper trail. My subsequent actions create example of “failure to follow process”

IMO the way to deal with this is to back up the verbal instructions in an email.  "re our discussion, this is what I understood, can you confirm"  gives you a paper trail

You have described some incredibly bad management here.Managers should be enabling their teams not passing the pressure they are under downwards wholesale.Your boss sounds awful - they may of course be under the exact same issue and feeling similar but frankly - not your problem.

Speak with your wife then speak with your GP - and if possible do both today instead of going to work. Can you inform HR directly if you are taking time off sick? If you can avoid any further contact with your boss at this stage that might help you too. It sounds like that would be another stressful conversation you could do without.

Time to look after yourself. Your company and boss don't care if you burn yourself out over work so their opinion on the matter is now irrelevant. Do this for you and your family.

Take a glass and run some water in to about a quarter full. Add three small drops of juice or squash, tiny drops. Sit and sip the drink for about 5 minutes. Go back to bed

Total thread diversion.

I was recommended cherry night powder for this by my psychologist, she was a big fan of eating cherries for relieving stress effects.

All been said, sounds like your bosses are making a "them" problem a "you" problem. It's increasingly common and one of the reasons I've never gone back down up the management route.

Document everything. (Obviously do not go to a paperless decision process!)

Go see your GP, they will probably sign you off. They will decide if meds will help, be open minded about it. If your employer has an assistance scheme with counselling support it will be quicker than what the NHS can offer.

Take some time to sort the factors you can control - sleep, diet, exercise. Then look at work options. Could you carry on with fewer responsibilities/different role? Put feelers out for roles elsewhere.

Your employers are failing you, you are not failing anyone.

Wow. Been there! 6 months of the worst stress and it got very messy cos I didn't see the GP when I should. Still worked, stupidly, and ultimately got made redundant after I told my boss I needed a different job. Then followed a complete and unexpected career change at 45 and I'm loving it 6 years down the line.

The few people I spoke to at the time said you are not alone. I felt very alone as I couldn't find anyone who was or had gone through the same.

You've done a great thing opening up on here.

Get to the GP quick, get signed off and see whether meds are recommended depending on your current symptoms.

You're going to need to change that job but you can deal with that later, for now, getting sleep and health sorted is no 1 priority. Don't get that sorted and will get even worse trust me.

If you want to PM me I'll happily give you my number for WhatsApp or phone chat as it's a bit clunky on this forum.

PS swap a drink for a walk round the block

I was in your position at about your age too, only 'complication' was having a newly born son, non-working wife and a 18m old.

I backed off at work and went looking for a new job - all worked out in the end, but this was a long time ago.

It did teach me to understand what stress actually was, in my context, and ensured I never suffered again - I understood MY danger signs.

I did though sometimes over the next 30 years end up in far more stressful jobs & situations than the original 'stressful job', but I understood better how to manage both the jobs & my stress.

Age 60, working in a currently very stressful role, but resting heart rate 42-45.

Thanks all. Had a good talk with my wife this morning and a good cuddle with my son. We have a plan. Self cert 7 days and a gp appointment first thing next Thurs to be signed off. Made clear to the nurse on absence line it’s due to workplace stress & anxiety and it’s recorded as such.

I work for a pretty big company who pride themselves on mental wellbeing. Guess I’ll be putting that to the test later today. 

Now I’m off, main task after a walk in the Pentlands is document this last wee while and pull together a folder of notes and meeting minutes. I’ll also be chatting to the union this afternoon too. My wife recons some of the stuff is verging on workplace bullying.

IMO the way to deal with this is to back up the verbal instructions in an email.  “re our discussion, this is what I understood, can you confirm”  gives you a paper trail

Something I remembered over a coffee this morning is after I followed instruction but not process - I copied management in stating exactly that and asking him to confirm that’s what he wanted and to authorise it as I issued it. Inadvertently / out of habit I’ve hopefully dodged a landmine.

Already feel a huge weight off my shoulders.

Been there, made myself ill, got stitched up and dismissed, was off work for months before I felt fit enough to return, vowed never to do it again.  I was leaving work (late, again) on a Friday thinking "Christ, I've got to come back on Monday."  That's no way to be.

agree with everything above, no job is worth what you are going through.

You need a break from this and they need to figure it out without you being there.

Some amazing responses on here. I particularly agree with ...

Been in that situation, left because I had a breakdown. Dont let it get that far, your only realistic option is to move on. Definitely get signed off with stress, will make it more difficult for them to sack you for performance if there is recorded work related stress issues. I left it too late

And

Happened to me some time ago. Don’t go in, see your GP. It feels hard to do that. My reaction was to try and fight it and carry on. That went badly and my response to the situation got worse and it spiralled. What you describe sounds like this is happening above you and they are making poor decisions and mistakes.

The key thing for me is that you will get weaker as this goes on. You will find it tricky to defend yourself, you will make more mistakes. You will not be able to make up for your bosses' inadequacies and they will do you in.

Get out, now.

Already feel a huge weight off my shoulders

Excellent , well done for taking action

Well done.
I am currently on 2 weeks hols myself before starting a new role on Monday. I have spent the last 15 years putting myself under huge pressure which came to a head in January. After months (years) of telling my boss I needed support and was unable to deliver what he wanted with what I had (and being told there was no additional support etc just do it) and becoming quite ill with all the stress I blew up at him and told him to stick it, either he could find me another role in the company or I would find myself another job. I only have a few years before I can semi retire so didn’t care about the consequences. I was a bit unprofessional telling him how unsupported I was, it was all stick and no carrot with him and he was not a motivating or inspiring leader etc etc. It felt good and he has been avoiding me since (which is great) and he got me a side step away from all the pressure (think he thought I was going to go down the constructive dismissal route). My replacement has also been given additional staffing to support them, so looks like he listened to me too. I will miss my old job, building the team up from scratch all those years ago and leading the great bunch of people I work with each day but by Christ, I will not miss the lack of support from above, unrealistic expectations and constant nit picking. I have now burnt my bridges and been put out to pasture for my remaining years but I feel good and my health is much improved, which is what was important to me. I wish you well and hope you find the right solution for you.

Time to CYA on the verbal instructions. Summary emails to those issuing instructions (using the have I got this interpretation correct approach). Most importantly bcc everything to a personal account, the BOFH is only semi-fiction.

Been there too. Handed my notice in (I was a Director), but the MD persuaded me to stay and carry on, nothing improved, then a year later he had a list of stuff he didn't like, nothing much, but it was 'form' for him to do this to people. I resigned. Should have walked a year earlier. Went straight into a contracting job, then a few months later into a permanent role.

Even in my current role, that I've been in 17 years, the first few years were stressful, why, the Finance Director and Chief Accountant weren't good managers and were down right nasty. Thinks changed massively when they retired, and it's been a good place to work for over 10 years.

The few people I spoke to at the time said you are not alone. I felt very alone as I couldn’t find anyone who was or had gone through the same.

This was something that amazed me the first time I had to have time off for "stress", which was actually anxiety and depression - so many colleagues came up to offer supportive advice and share experiences. Even a riding "friend" I'd never been close to took me aside to share his experiences a few years ago.

You're not alone, it's not uncommon, and it bloody well should be.

I’ll also add that even within a few weeks away from work I was able to get a better perspective, recovered quickly I was still off work for 9 months because it was handled so badly by my employer. Keep written records, copies of emails etc because in the event of them trying to dismiss you (they might try) you may have some incriminating evidence - I ended up having to threaten legal action to get my job back, my doctor wouldn’t let me go back because there was no ‘back to work’ plan put in place. I have a stack of emails asking about “what was happening?” and one line replies of “I’m too busy”

I'm in the same situation OP so totally feel for you. Been working for a really shitty company for nearly two years and has broken me several times over but I keep "fighting on." I t has done me absolutely no good whatsoever.

Sadly not easy to just get another job where I am (Spain = worse unemployment rate in Europe) but I am now at the end of my tether so planning to escape within the next couple of months.

Everyone keeps telling me that when you walk away from a crap job / workplace things always get better and staying on when nothing will get better is the worst thing you can do but I must admit for me the thought of packing in a job without another one to go to is a hard pill to swallow.

I was signed off due to work stress due to being shafted by seniors after working my arse off for years.  I let it go too far before seeking help and still have physical problems now.  For me no colleagues, zero, offered support.  It was like I'd died.  So it depends on your work.  I thought I had a good team, and I'd treated my staff well and really focused on trying to make a good environment for everyone to do well and enjoy (as much as you can) their jobs.   but as soon as I was signed off that was it.  Didn't even get a card.  Just HR rep and after a month a call from the director, who was part of the problem

It was a massive and very horrible eye opening experience and to be honest has impacted my view on work and people significantly.

Its not a nice place to be, having a plan with your wife is an amazing achievement in itself.  Look after yourself and your family.

Sounds like you're allergic to ****

@scruff9252, sounds like you're taking the right steps.

One point to add, stay completely away from alcohol whilst you're going through this, it won't be helping, and it could be used against you.

Only you can know whether this situation is due to chronic bad management by your employer, or whether you're being set up to fail. In either case, your own, and by proxy your family's welfare are paramount.

Already feel a huge weight off my shoulders

This is so common.   Stress builds insidiously.   Its only when you walk away you realise how badly its affecting you.

Good on you for making the call

Oh, and,

a gp appointment first thing next Thurs

Why wait?  Go now.  It's not just about getting signed off (it's a 'fit note' these days), you're not well today.

I had an episode last year which (I can probably admit now the legals are over) I posted about on here under an anonymous account.  I wasn't sleeping, I was getting at best 2 hours contiguous sleep a night and usually closer to 20 minutes before waking up again.  I saw the doctor - actually, the mental health nurse - who prescribed a low dose of Mirtazapine.  The first night I took it I slept for 14 hours straight.

Can't add much more to wise words above but this workplace sounds like its become toxic and signing off with stress means you still have to go back. Just use the time now to look for another job. Not easily done but i always keep 6-12 months cash so i can just leave. And have done.

My GP you are lucky to get an appointment within 2 weeks let alone today....

All the best OP, I went through something similar albeit maybe not quite as severe.

I really wasn't sure what to do and trying to have constructive conversation with management wasn't helping (although in fairness they were at least listening but ultimately put it all back on to me).

I didn't honestly believe there was anything better out there but did the maths and figured out how much of a pay cut I could afford. Not too long after a recruiter approached me on LinkedIn with a role that represented a bit of a sideways step from what I was doing and seemed a bit daunting, but she talked me in to a first interview and now I'm two months in to a new job and still adjusting to the fact that reasonably paid roles don't HAVE to be miserable and stressful.

Long story short, the good jobs ARE still out there, don't feel that you have to suffer out of principle (which was the headspace I had ended up in).

Best of luck OP, sounds like you're on the right track.

I'd just reiterate the advice to become as familiar as you can with company processes and mechanisms for this kind of situation.

You may wish to raise a grievance with HR regarding specific individuals, to help emphasise that it's a "them problem" not a "you problem".

Most importantly bcc everything to a personal account,

Hmmm. Don't agree with this. In most jobs this would be instant dismissal. And, more to the point, very easy and quick for the company to discover.

If I did that with my current employer I'd be amazed if I wasn't suspended within 48 hours.

I've seen this with my wife (luckily I've never been in this position directly, though seen it also with my previous boss + her boss, who to their absolute credit did everything to shield those actually delivering work, from all the shit from the incompetence above (after a clusterfluck of a reverse takeover)).

- defo go see the GP.  My wife did that a few years back, and he'd basically signed her off for a month before she even sat down -  obvious to him ho stressed to the eyeballs she was.  Then extended the time off after that.  Then (maybe after 3 months or so) had a phased return.

It also gave the time to recover, and sort out an escape plan.

It takes a long time to get to that point of being so obviously in need of a break, and defo isn't resolved in 1 or 2 weeks off.

(Actually with my immediate boss at the last place I worked,  after she had a month off, those of us she listened to, told her to get another month off and not rush back, as we could see she would otherwise soon be back in the same hole.  She subsequently thanked us as in hindsight recognised we were absolutely right.

Definitely also keep a diary / log of all this shit and inconsistency.  (A) it will help you , and (b) come any tribunal you have written evidence.  Another friend found that really useful for the subsequent pay-off discussion ls with lawyers, when the psychotic CEO turned on her and made life shit.  (Probably felt threatened by someone 10x more competent doing well).

Other things I've found useful...

- work out properly 'where you stand' in terms of how much remaining on a mortgage, pension status, any debts, what redundancy pay,  etc etc. I found it very reassuring when I did that myself about 4 years ago (start of Covid) and knew (in my case) that I wasn't totally ****ed if the Co i worked for at the time (same reverse takeover stuff) just axed me.

And... find a way out of the Co.  I think you already know that.

Good luck.  And to miss quote Norma Stanley Fletcher... 'Don't let the barstewards grind you down"

" I was a bit unprofessional telling him how unsupported I was, it was all stick and no carrot with him and he was not a motivating or inspiring leader etc etc."

I'd argue the opposite- you did precisely the right thing to tell some honest truths, rather than beating around the bush.  The world needs more if that, and less dodging the issue and sucking up.  Looks like it's had some positive effect too.

I can't add anything that hasn't already been said but I've been there and it's a horrible state to be in. I was saved by being made redundant otherwise I would have just walked not long after. Badly run company, shite flowed downhill, none of the high ups had a clue and were more interested in lining their own pockets.

Take the time you need, concentrate on you for now and then start looking for other jobs.

It was a massive and very horrible eye opening experience and to be honest has impacted my view on work and people significantly.

Oh yes, I can relate to this.

I work for a pretty big company who pride themselves on mental wellbeing. Guess I’ll be putting that to the test later today.

My experience is that the ones that make a fuss about great they are on this are the ones that have the biggest issues in causing wellbeing issues.

You're doing the right thing taking control and getting signed off.

The Equality Act 2010 is on your side

what you describe will likely be considered an “impairment”, and therefore a “disability”

”An impairment doesn’t have to be a diagnosed medical condition. If you’re suffering from stress, you might have:

mental impairments - like difficulty concentrating

physical impairments - like extreme tiredness and difficulty sleeping”

source:  https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/discrimination-at-work/dealing-with-discrimination-at-work/checking-if-its-discrimination/check-if-youre-disabled-under-the-equality-act-work/#:~:text=You%20have%20an%20impairment%20if,be%20a%20diagnosed%20medical%20condition.

Well done, time off is a great start, your union will be experienced to support you obtain the changes you want

take care, you’ve got this

Sorry to hear your job is causing a hangover into your personal time.

As last man standing - and the project seemingly in difficulty. I guess those above see you as a convenient person to throw under the bus as a convenient time.

I'd not make things easier for them by leaving gaps for them to exploit by the impact of the stress they causing.

Couple months off to get back to your base is needed. In that time I'd imagine they will be fully aware nobody will play their scapegoat .. and maybe your boss will be off with stress when you return if it all gets placed on his lap whilst your off..

This situation has happened to my wife a few times in recent years. Latest was last year. Finance Director and Financial Controller left, finance staff all stepped up. Temporary Finance Consultant came in for two days a week. Promised to review salary (folk stepping up). Wife suffered some unwelcome 'attention' from a male colleague and complained. Handled very badly. Roll on 6 months, consultant decides no pay rises. Folk working extra hours, no pay. Wife had enough went off sick, accessed the works counselling service (these well being services many places have). Was off for a number of months, then found out she was 'at risk of redundancy' (basically pushing her out), ended up walking with equivalent of six months pay.

She's not gone back to work full time, been nearly a year now, and just does a day or two a week in a fabric shop on minimum wage which she loves. We could afford the drop though, but it's amazing what you don't spend when you aren't going to work.

It happened to me 15 years or so ago.  I tried to fight it, had a breakdown and was removed from site in an ambulance.  It cost me three years of my life.

You are doing the right thing by getting signed off, but be in absolutely no doubt, you need to leave.   Take the time you need to do it on your terms, but leave.  You are currently in an abusive relationship and just as in an abusive domestic relationship your abuser will tell you they love you and it'll all be fine.  Then the abuse starts again.

Well done - glad you posted here & have the support of your wife.

I was in a similar situation, got to the point where in my rush to get home on my bike to eat tea before heading back to work I crashed & broke my femur.
6 weeks off work, then back took be another 12 months or so where I got the point where every commute home in the car I contemplated just steering into the oncoming traffic. As soon as I got signed off sick (felt like fraud in doing so) it was a huge weight lifted.

just as in an abusive domestic relationship your abuser will tell you they love you and it’ll all be fine. 

Nail on the head @boriselbrus this is exactly what it is.

what you describe will likely be considered an “impairment”, and therefore a “disability”

”An impairment doesn’t have to be a diagnosed medical condition.

I was pleasantly surprised that the second time I had to have time off, the occupational health report stated they felt that my symptoms would qualify as a disability and I'd have legal protection.

I'm getting closer and closer to this point at my workplace as each year passes. It's a completely different place to what it was when I joined it six years ago, but I think the true change has been somewhat hidden behind the pandemic. Most senior staff have left and either not been replaced or internal promotions have filled those posts with people not really experienced enough.

I think the point where I realised it was taking the piss was when I started having episodes of losing my vision and heart palpitations for days on end.

I would say exactly as others have, **** the system and do what you need to do to protect yourself. Health effects from serious chronic stress can affect you for the rest of your life so it's not worth it.

Some excellent points here,  and well done to you for taking considered action. I would reiterate another poster. Do not start sending work messages to a private email account that is an enforceable breach of most organisations policy on information security, and just gives them an excuse to take this in a bad direction.

Ps to add and they can very easily check that, no work email is in any way private

Yeah, just compose the email then take a photo of it on your (personal) phone instead 😉

Print them off.

You need some form of copy  of the emails

I really feel for you OP. I hope you can enjoy the fresh air again. Breathe deeply, smile and enjoy not being in work.

I had an awful manager years ago. A terrible man and on my back constantly. I phoned up one day and said I won’t be working for you again. I walked in and handed back my car and laptop that day. Whilst he was going through the formalities he told me to get him a coffee. I simply laughed and walked out. Felt amazing and free outside. I was in a fortunate position where I could move in with my folks for a while whilst I got sorted.
That summer I painted fences all day and it was amazing albeit temporary.

This experience has always taught me to have an escape route planned/safety net in place.

Lots of good advice on here. I was in a similar situation with stress a couple of years ago and posted on here for advice. Like you I found writing the post helpful and it was a catalyst for me to change (as the role couldn't).

I would echo all those that have said to see your GP, it was only really when I was in floods of tears on their surgery that I realised I had to make some significant changes.

Your life & health are too important and you're worth more than that job.

Good luck.