[Closed] Wife's unexpectedly pregnant. And l'm not happy....

No my face/looks did/does that 🙂

im sorry not trying to wind you up but it always makes me laugh we people say..

" It was unplanned "

Why? You know that no method is 100% effective, right? So any couple using birth control, however carefully/capably, has a small chance of unplanned pregnancy.

If contraception 'failed' ...surely there would have been many scares/pregnancies in said partners teens onwards..

Takes the pill for a decade then oops it doesnt work

Op: it will all work out. Your life has barely begun and you have so far to go. Don't worry.

hora are you a retard?
The Pill is not 100% effective, a scare is a failure, been there, got the child

Hello,

Right firstly MTFU, yes it's unplanned yes it's F###ing epically scary, life changing but you've done it now. You love your wife, you're happy (I assume?) so you'll be a dad.

Worrying about bonding is fine, I was never one of these we're pregnant Dad's that's not me, but once it arrives you'll start to bond, relax it will take a bit of time but love it and start to build a relationship.

You're wife needs support she's feeling shocked too, and vulnerable, again it's you're job to step up mate.

I won't Bull##it you it's tough, money and energy sapping, the small person will demand a huge amount of time, she'll( your wife) be wrecked you'll be wrecked that's life.

On the plus side it's great, the mini you will be a right laugh as they get bigger, time flies and actually pull get to ride your bike etc etc.honestly I can relate, hence the rough points above (I got this chat you see) I wouldn't trade either of my two or the world nd riding my bike with a four year old mini me and getting ice cream is as good as the best trails, road races I've ever done I know this doesn't make sence right now!

You'll be great mate, chill. 😀

I don't come on here much, in fact the last time I did I tried pissed maths to work out how much water would fit in a seattube. I was wrong, but I'm back now because OP needs to get a grip. We had our first last year, I was 29, I didn't think I was ready but she wanted one, a lot. I'll be honest yes things change but a lot of it is for the better. You go on about all the things you'll miss but once that screaming pooing bundle of squidgyness arrives and it looks directly into your soul nothing else will matter. That stuff will still be there but just not as often because you'll be having too much fun being a dad.

Its a very hard thing to get your head round. Having children is one very big scary step into the unknown and i dont think you are ever really ready to have them. TBH i wouldnt want to be leaving it much later than 30 years old to start having them. I think if your partner/wife is happy and that you had planned to one day have children together then run with it. Once you see that little heart beating when you have the 1st scan you will start to come round. When you hold your 1st child for the 1st time and start blubbing with emotion and pride.. you wont ever want to go back in time and change it.

Mrs cloudnine is due our 3rd baby (we have a 2 and 4 year old)and its probably going to be tonight or in the next few days. Im still bricking it just like the other times. Im not ready for a 3rd child..

Felt exactly the same as you when I was 29. Didn't have kids till I was 37. Have spent last 5 years wishing I'd had kids when I was 29. Once you're there you'll love it - all the things you mention like travel will still happen - but you'll have much better things to focus on.

Duirdh of course dear of course. Its in your system longterm 'Im more fertile than other girls' doesnt wash. 15/16yr and Uni girls have accidents not professional responsible women.

Chump x

that's clearly a "yes" then.

Ampthill's last 2 comments are absolutely spot on and are all the op needs to know about.

...or 'my Doc says I need a break from the pill dear' ... 😉

I thought a child would rob me of spare time and to be honest the pre-school years are hard. However, I now work full time, am studying for a Masters, training for a half-Ironman, renovating an old house and doing the Dad thing.
Becoming a parent doesn't stop you doing stuff - it makes you a time efficiency guru. I'm amazed at the amount of life I wasted when childless (I caveat this by saying if you are one of those who don't want them then more power to you).
To the OP, you have abvious concerns but you sound pretty decent and with a continued desire for adventure you'll make a great Dad - all the best.

WTF are you winking at? or is that just part of your "condition"?

Calm down dear. Have you not got your coital rights back yet.

Note its not a question.

I struggle with long sentences but I've read a fair bit.

MTFU. Now that's out the way; don't panic, you'll be fine. Plenty of time to start looking at bike trailers and child seats. Now go and be nice to your wife.

My honest view, I would be feeling the same right now, but find the positives and run with it. If struggling with that, go speak with priest/doctor/dad/similar if your struggling as they are there to help with this sort of thing.

you are not alone.. the only difference is you ve put pen to papaer and told the world what your thinking..

i suspect all first time dads when hearing the news unexpectedly think much the same.

i was 40 when the first came along.. i was too young.. too immature .. too many man toys to give up..

but when i held my daughter for the first time my life changed so much for the better so much and i thought it was good before..

tip no. 1. start saving today.. me and her put a grand away each month for the 8 months which emeant we had a handy nest egg to dig into during the first year.. and DO EVERTHING it says in the books dont miss a single anti natal class be there for the birth ( but dont look) and avoid the mrs holding your hand .. she ll break your fingers

other than that its all gravy.

My daughter decided to make an appearance only just over a year after my wife and I married and when I was only 22. We hadn't planned having kids that early but after an initial panic it was all good - and with hindsight I reckon it was better having our kids early. Now at 44 my kids are 21 and 17 (this week) and we can start having a life as a couple again, while we're still reasonably young.

Was a bit scary when i found out my Girlfiend(then) was pregnant and i was 25.lost a few nights of sleep thinking about it,but absolutely no regrets,from the day he was born.
Looking back was amazing,also have a daughter now aswell who is 12.

39 soon (Saturday) amazing part of my life..

Brings you back to the real world..

My father died at 29, so one of my desires was to be a father by 30. In today's society, you'll be pretty young, but that brings its own benefits. In 15 years time your offspring can goad you for avoiding that black run! Well mine does, anyway.

Seriously, Just face your new responsibilities head on. Get involved and expect to ride a little less, or at least diiferently (i used to take a 6am ride around the farms with son1 😯 )

Twins insurance is something to consider. A friend of mine wishes he had !

I'm 32 and don't want to have children. If I were in your situation I'd be gutted.

You need to explain to her how you feel. This isn't a time for being polite and burying your head in the sand. The "you'll understand when you have kids" line is one of the most patronising pieces of advice in history.

Bring on the male pill.

Just logged in under a new name too.

Just to add another perspective -

My other half put the positive test thing in front of me yesterday too.

I can't claim to be going through quite the same range of emotions (yet?), although I am shit scared and so is she. And i clearly am in no position to offer advice. But one of the things that strikes me is that for 12 weeks I'm under strict instructions not to tell anyone. For all the right reasons of course (what are the chances of us getting there from here? I have no real idea) but bottling this up seems weird enough when I'm signed up to the idea of sprogs. If I wasn't I reckon I'd need a vent.

What's my point? I'm not in great shape for considered discussion on the subject so i dunno really, except to say there's probably not a single person he can talk to about this. I can talk to my other half at least. There will be soon enough but in the meantime this place is doing a great job.

Please just man the **** up, you were there when it happened (I assume) so accept the responsibility.

I skipped straight to the end so apologies if I'm repeating.
I don't blame you for being apprehensive as it's a big change in your life. The quicker you get your head round the fact that this is happening and that things are going to be different (not bad, just different) then the more you will actually enjoy this. If you don't then you will regret it as it's actually quite an exciting time.
Why not try and create a blog of the pregnancy etc as your child will really appreciate that when they are old enough to read it. It will give you something to focus on rather than worrying.

Hey look mate it's great once you stop thinking about yourself.
Best of luck.
Most of the stuff you think is important now will soon seem pointless bollox

this is just my opinion and im no expert but i think you should just take a breath and relax for a moment.
When my wife was first pregnant i felt just like you, i wanted to find the nearest exit and make a quick getaway. All my thoughts related to myself and what i would lose, all the early experience resolved around my wife and not me. I was used to being the centre of attention and i resented the change of priority, i didnt like my wife's body becoming medical property either.

I think these feelings are just natural 'man panic' and you need to accept that if she says she is having the baby then you WILL be a DAD!

Those feelings and insecurities will disappear when you see your child and they will be replaced by a strength of love that you will find far scarier than anything you are experiencing today. You just wont understand the old you after you meet the little chap/chapess and you will never be the same again....you will be better! As a DAD you will have a changed outlook on life that will improve everything you do. The experience will be hard but the rewards will be beyond anything you have so far experienced

............well thats what it was like for me 🙂

Your life is not over, our boy has more air miles in his first year than i had in my whole childhood, he's been to canada for 2 months in an RV, he's been skiing, he's been around europe and hes not 1 year old! Yes it was harder for us but i find we forget the pain very quickly now. This can be your reality, you have to step up to the role, own the role, all children need a great DAD!

You will be a great DAD, switch of your doubts and wait, i promise you will change your view completely once you have had a chance to meet your baby 🙂

what are the chances of us getting there from here? I have no real idea

I'm guessing if you've just tested positive, your missus will want to be going to a doctor to confirm (though the tests are so accurate these days that the one the doctor does is only marginally more so) that she is indeed pregnant. As long as she takes it easy and doesn't do anything stupid, there are plenty of resources online to help her make it through the first trimester.

If you really want to keep it a secret, there are steps you can take. e.g. avoid big communal dinners out where you may have to start asking waiters silly questions about pasteurised and unpasteurised cheese; shellfish, etc. (bear in mind, these are not dangerous to the foetus in itself, the idea is to avoid food poisoning completely, or at least minimise the risk). If your missus is a big drinker and any mates/family might be surprised that she has to avoid alcohol, then have a story prepared...antibiotics are a good one...for something harmless like a root canal treatment that's coming up. She may well be completely knackered and puking a lot so again, she'll need to keep well hydrated at work and possibly make up some food poisoning stories.

Finally, if you have a hundred quid spare, and have a BUPA (or similar) type hospital nearby, you can have a scan at "eight" weeks (you will soon understand the arbitrarily irrationality of the whole dating thing)...eight weeks being around six weeks after conception, as the "how many weeks" thing is calculated from the date of the last period. If the ultrasound person scans a strong heartbeat at that stage, then you have something like a 95% chance of making it to term.

Having said all the above, the conditions that cause her not to make it to that first scan have already probably already been laid down. And if she doesn't, it's normally for the best of both the unborn and the mum. Assume everything will be ok, but you should prepare yourself for the chance that it may not be. (Just speaking as someone who's been there a few times.)

Anyway, hope all that shite helps.

At first I was going to give a sensible reply....then I read a few answers like this

Not something ill ever relate to and gut instinct was to reply with a 'MTFU' but ..... it probably is scary but kids aren't the end of your life, there are worse things that could happen and although its not the adventure you originally had planned with your wife, it's a different adventure that you will probably enjoy just as much. I've only ever met 1 or 2 people that regretted having their children an they have some other very serious issues. Talk to your wife, she's probably bricking it as much as you.

Quick, join the Foreign Legion whilst your still young enough.

[img] [/img]

If contraception 'failed' ...surely there would have been many scares/pregnancies in said partners teens onwards..

Well, yes.

Takes the pill for a decade then oops it doesnt work

Yep. Happened to a close relative. Can be as simple as a minor stomach upset.

ormondroyd - Member
If contraception 'failed' ...surely there would have been many scares/pregnancies in said partners teens onwards..
Well, yes.

Just read the number of wasn't expecting it but posts on this thread!! It's not an exact science especially when you add alcohol and memory etc.

Yet another account here, but my other half and I are currently looking at another positive test this morning (Did we all run out of money, and stop going out, after Christmas?)

My perspective: I was in a not too brilliant long term relationship in which I never really expected to have a baby as she was so against. That all ended about three years ago, and I'm now with a wonderful girl and life is pretty damn great. I'm 37 now, and for the last few years this amazing new possibility has been there... but it's been a rough ride in a way. It's taken over 18 months, and we've wondered what to do if nothing happens. Well now it's happened.

And yep, even if it's something you really want, it's still scary. But I'd really second the fact that there's NO right time, because the waiting for some "right" time might mean missing out on something actually happening, if the numbers aren't in your particular favour. At 29 you don't know if it's going to take a month or years. Bear in mind it's also a few years earlier that your kid(s) will be grown up. I'll be going on 60. That's fine, but I've seen people who had kids younger than I will (touch wood) have something of a "second youth" in terms of sporty activity, often shared with eager young adult kids.

Am I ready for it? Not sure anyone ever is, completely, but it's still going to be fun getting there. Now it's the hoping-for-the-best bit.

On the plus side.............the kid should be away by the time you are 50 so there will still be time to do all that shit you are going to miss out on in the short term.

Congratulations............... by the way

[img] [/img]

I don't blame you for being apprehensive as it's a big change in your life. The quicker you get your head round the fact that this is happening and that things are going to be different (not bad, just different) then the more you will actually enjoy this. If you don't then you will regret it as it's actually quite an exciting time.

different perspective, having a child put a us under a massive strain and killed a 20 year marriage. Some people are just not meant to be or don't want to be parents. The hole evangelical thing about the wonders of parenthood can just be so much bollox. Do what is right for you, not what society expects of you. they can be very different things.

best of luck

Same situation 6years plus 9mths ago next week.

Same feelings, took me a good 6 weeks to get my head around things. Felt and thought much the same and more in some ways as others who've posted.

My experience has not been as I feared or you describe. I still do pretty much what I did before (climb mountaineer ski ride drink beer and eat food) These things have been joined by a whole range of new things which are equally engaging and bring me as much happiness.

Much of your detachment to children will evaporate the first time your baby locks on your eyes and smiles. You will NEVER have another feeling like this.

I felt pretty bad for feeling like that for a good while but really its a getting used to it phase which will be replaced.

I can only echo these sage words

1. your life will not be over when the child arrives, you just need to be a bit more organised.

2. It is highly likely you will feel different towards the child when it arrives.

3. Try and be supportive to your mrs as imgine how it feels for her right new expecting her (first i assume) child*

* - Think a bit how your doubts are being felt by her too. My Mrs on finding out burst into tears as she was sure I'd be packing my bags... 🙁

I'm about 8 months further down the line, similar age to the OP, first one due in the next few weeks. Things I have learned:

1. Even if you planned it, it still feels pretty f***in' scary, fear of being a crap parent seems to be pretty universal.

2. Fun does not have to stop, I know a lot of folk with very small kids who manage to ride bikes, snowboard and even make it to the pub on occasion.

3. I may well be fabulously naive in my interpretation of point 2, but lets look on the bright side!

5 years ago I was telling my mate how I never wanted kids as they do nothing for me and I can't be bothered with them. 2 weeks after that my wife said she was pregnant! I didn't want a child and felt like yourself. I was even more gutted when I found out it was going to be a girl as I couldn't imagine having a good connection with her.
9 months later and I'm sat in hospital with my new born daughter in my arms and all of a sudden it hit me...this is why I'm here I thought, this is the reason.
The next 12 months amazed me at how intensely you can feel love for another person, its in a totally different league to anything else I've ever witnessed.
Skip another 12 months or so to when she was 2 1/2 and the fun was starting to get really good. She goes everywhere I go, we are a team and where ever I am she is right behind me.
Now she is 4 and we walk, climb, ride, hike, camp, fish, work (weekends), go to pubs, restaurants, bowling, racing and many other things. She is my life, my soul, my best friend, my greatest love and my reason to be here. Next year we are going to try for another.
You can still go on holiday and the rest of the things you state but you will have to do them with a child...makes it more fun in my opinion.
No body can tell you how you will feel but I would like you to put another post on here in 12 months and give us an update on how you feel. I may be wrong but I bet your feelings will have changed like mine so dramatically did.
All the best for the future and I hope all works out well for you.....by the sounds of it, it already has! 🙂

Op - if you were planning on having kids anyway i dont really see what difference it makes. Would you really go through a termination for the sake of 3 years? If you didnt want kids at all it would be different

Yep. Happened to a close relative. Can be as simple as a minor stomach upset.

Yeah - the pill is normally over 99% effective, but many people don't realise that there's a lot a things that can lower its effectiveness.

1) Stomach upset or vomiting (if within 3 hours of taking it)
2) Antibiotics (supposed to use additional contraception for seven days, and go straight onto the next packet of pills without a break if it's in the last week of the current packet)
3) Supplements such as St John's Wort (just don't take it)
4) Taking it over 12 hours late (again seven days of contraception, going onto the next packet if it was in the last week again, etc).

My best mate got pregnant because she was on antibiotics. She loves her daughter, but it's been hard and she admits there's times where she wish it had never happened. Same with one of my colleagues at work - he's said that he loves his kids, but his life was better beforehand.

And my own mother told me quite a few times when I was little that she regretted having kids, and that it was my dad who wanted to start a family, and that if she had her time over she wouldn't have had children as she'd had to sacrifice her own happiness for ours. And she didn't start having kids until she was 32. It's part of the reason why I don't want kids - I never want to tell any child that I resent them.

My dad was ace though, and he's the reason why I sometimes think having kids wouldn't be so bad. Walks in the woods, saying that there are trolls under bridges, learning about trees and wildlife. Playing video games, reading stories and actually having a legitimate reason to play with Transformers...

I still suspect that if I did fall pregnant, I'd be down the clinic faster than a greased whippet though...

OP - any advances on your OP yet?

MrsToast far play for you in being so honest, as a woman in the child situation people are so quick to criticize if you decide you don't want children or state that you would have an abortion. my general response now is "why do you want to know if I'm having unprotected sex"!!!

INRAT

Basically without going into a full on tirade, what hmanchester said

Think of your wife she will be all at sea at the moment emotionally and physically . Her life is changing and her body . She will be fearing the delivery and worried every time she feels a twinge . Your concerns/fears are real and fair play for opening up about them on here , hers are going to be massively bigger she will need you to be there for her and utterly supportive . I am now 18 months in to a son I never expected to have at a less than ideal time of my life. It I'd without a shadow of a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done but it is also fantastic . Your life will be different but it will not be worse unless you make it so by your attitude . Children add an extra dimension to life activities they don't preclude them .

Best of luck and congratulations.

I'm a bit of an emotional 'tard, but this made me well up - I'm only at the 14 months on stage, but it read the same as my 'story'!

In relation to the end of your life... Couldn't be further from the truth. She comes with us for lunches out (and has done since a week old), she's had two weeks in france, a week in italy, a week in cornwall & will we're taking her to NZ this week.... I think I might have travelled more with her than before come to think of it.

It's awesome, despite being permanently knackered & still getting used to broken sleep

cyclewerx
5 years ago I was telling my mate how I never wanted kids as they do nothing for me and I can't be bothered with them. 2 weeks after that my wife said she was pregnant! I didn't want a child and felt like yourself. I was even more gutted when I found out it was going to be a girl as I couldn't imagine having a good connection with her.
9 months later and I'm sat in hospital with my new born daughter in my arms and all of a sudden it hit me...this is why I'm here I thought, this is the reason.
The next 12 months amazed me at how intensely you can feel love for another person, its in a totally different league to anything else I've ever witnessed.
Skip another 12 months or so to when she was 2 1/2 and the fun was starting to get really good. She goes everywhere I go, we are a team and where ever I am she is right behind me.
Now she is 4 and we walk, climb, ride, hike, camp, fish, work (weekends), go to pubs, restaurants, bowling, racing and many other things. She is my life, my soul, my best friend, my greatest love and my reason to be here. Next year we are going to try for another.
You can still go on holiday and the rest of the things you state but you will have to do them with a child...makes it more fun in my opinion.
No body can tell you how you will feel but I would like you to put another post on here in 12 months and give us an update on how you feel. I may be wrong but I bet your feelings will have changed like mine so dramatically did.
All the best for the future and I hope all works out well for you.....by the sounds of it, it already has!

Serious stuff aside - I bet next time you make sure you don't catch it with your nails!

Regardless what you feel now, when this little nipper arrives you will do 2 things

1)Feel a little wet in the eyes when you first see it.

2)For the first time in your life, feel unconditional love.

They are truly a little miracle, just accept it and get on with it.

and no matter what anybody tells you, nothing can prepare you for what is about to hit you.

For a bit of balance...I was OK when I unexpectedly found my first was on the way when I was 29 and a week away from getting married.

I DID worry when Jr arrived and I didn't receive the "lightning bolt, instant, life-changing love" thing. I just felt pleased and overwhelmingly responsible for the little guy, but I didn't become a different person.

For me, it actually took weeks / months to properly bond with the little guy and then it was best described as that scarily vulnerable, falling in love feeling that you get at the start of a new relationship.

5 years, one more son and no. 3 on the way, I've never been fitter, am covering more bike miles and have been abroad every year. Its hard work. There are compromises, but life is good!