[Closed] Wife wants to give up work. Help.

I'll go on the 'parents' theme:
Yep, wife and I decided we were better off as a family unit with her not returning to work after #2 mat leave finished.
Paying just less than her take home income for daycare to raise our kids missed the point.
Together we agreed that we would be prepared to put ourselves into the red over the next 5 years to raise our family.
She's back to work now in a better role that still allows her to drop and collect the kids from school and enables me to take contracts when they come up. That ultimately makes up any perceived 'short fall' in her current 20hr working week income.
After her swapping salary for being a full time mum she became more motivated to get back into paid employment.. prefers this job and it also brings extended health which is invaluable.

Very few people enjoy work, well enjoy it enough they do it if they didn’t have to. If my Wife suddenly decided she no longer wanted to work, she wanted to take up the role a lot of the Mums at my Daughters school have – it’s drop the kids to school in the Gymshark kit, off to the Coffee shop for a chat then maybe a bit of lunch in the Cafe in the posh Garden Centre and then home for 2, whip the hoover around whilst Richard and Judy do their thing and back to school for the pick-up / session chat I could become really resentful when things get tight.

Yes, I remember being quite annoyed when my ex kept complaining that she was often not able to watch a full episode of "Doctors"...

Thanks to everyone who shared their own experiences, very helpful and very much appreciated!

Bit late to the discussion, but my wife and I both went part time when we had kids and it's been great. We sold one car and I commuted by bike only for a few years, combined with virtually no childcare costs that pretty much covered the income shortfall.

Helpful that we both have a main job (teacher & paramedic) with steady hours and salary and then do extra jobs (examiner and events cover) to pay for holidays or toys.

What I'm trying to say is look at the whole picture rather than just the income - happiness, time with kids & the like...

OP are you at least not giving us an insight into the reason - we've all told you what's happened in our cases.

We did the sums with child care and work, and it would mean most of my wife's salary went on care - why the heck would you do that, spend 35 hours a week working, and not see the kids, and not have any spare cash. No brainer.

My brother and his missus have done something similar, but she's landed a part time job now in a school, now my nephew can go to Nursery (old enough) - my brother drops him off, and my SIL picks him up early afternoon after work. Allows her to get in a bit earlier, so she can finish early.

If it's health related, then fine. If the job is horrible, then fine -but look for one that is better.

No-one likes to work - I'd happily spend my days riding my bike, and doing the gardening, but where would the money come from ?

If the OP doesn't come back with some details I think we should put him under a patio, never mind his Mrs!

Let her give up work to look after the kids. She’ll be so bored in a couple of weeks that you’ll have a sort of victory.

or she’ll love it so much that the children will benefit immeasurably

MrsG went part time 8yrs ago (not quite like OP) but hasn’t looked back in terms of less stress and workload. She’s very happy and if you can manage financially and it makes her happy, why not. I’m one of those weirdos that really like’s their job and working.

So do we actually have any more context from the OP yet?

My wife gave up work when pregnant with Funk Jr (Full time driving instructor with a very successful business). The plan was that she’d go back when he started school. Then Funkette came along! Everyone is different, but we didn’t even consider both of us working full time. Why have kids if at least one of you doesn’t get to spend time with them. Just doesn’t compute to me.

It’s tough financially, but that’s just the way it is. Money is very tight, house needs some work and I’m down to (shock, horror) one bike and that’s genuinely the hardest thing. Also stuck in a job I really don’t like. Plus side is that I have two cool kids and I genuinely think a lot of that is down to having one of us always around.

Forgive me if your wrong op but I think I remember you saying you hate your job? Or did you say your wife hates her job?

I want my Mrs to quit work as its causing her anxiety/ stress or rather worsening an underlying condition.

If you can afford it you should agree to her quitting. If you can't afford it you need to discuss other possibilities with her. You can't tell her no!

My Mrs gave up a really good job in a bank when we had our first, say give up she was made redundant...

2 kids and 3.5 years off later she started working 16 hours a week in Morrisons for living wage

We have had to do some big cut backs but it's working and the kids have enjoyed all the benefits of having mum at home.

It's amazing how much money you can save, food is a huge one, so is getting a older/cheap car to run and doing free family things on the weekend. Abroad holidays won't happen for a while and if something breaks like a washing machine it will have to be credit card time but you adapt and cope!

I want to give up work. I like my job but I’d just rather not go given the choice. My wife is quite happy for this to happen in a few years as she is on a career path that should mean she can earn enough for the both of us.

I’ll clean, cook, ride my bike and volunteer. Happy days.

OP why does she not want to work? Can you afford for her not to work?

One might feel that the OP is being coy with details because it won't reflect well on him and he's just looking for ammunition against his OH, but would be ecstatic to be proven wrong.

I've told my OH that when the kids are at school and she is still part time, I want to be part time too. Unfortunately that's unusual in my industry and I think it'll take quite a bit of a push to make it happen.

Unfortunately that’s unusual in my industry and I think it’ll take quite a bit of a push to make it happen.

this - id absolutely go part time if i could.

My wifes currently on maternity leave. shes going back 3 days a week in June

We are fortunate that the in-laws want to be involved and take our daughter for one day - that means nursery for 2 days.

I think it will be healthy for her to go to nursery part time and meet other kids but equally. We don't want someone else bringing up our kids full time . I equally do not resent my wife for being at home 2 days a week - its not easy job keeping small children happy . likewise Id take the time off if my industry allowed it - id have to change jobs/companies and possibly even industries.

In the same way we didn't get a dog when we both worked full time as whats the point in having a dog and paying someone else to walk it.

other people have different views.

MrsJ went back to work very soon after MissJ was born. One of the benefits is that MissJ has always had a role model of a working woman. Your mileage may differ but we would say that being a stay-at-home mum is not a universal goal.

I think hoping for further context from OP might be unlikely:

Looking for real life experience from other people who’ve been through it rather than advice on what *I* could do.

We've sort of been through this; albeit as a slow drift rather than a dramatic step change. My Mrs reduced her hours after the birth of our first child, and was made redundant while on maternity leave with our second. We did some maths to see whether we could survive or not, and it seemed as though we could. We decided she wouldn't hurry back into work, and instead see how we got on for a bit.

Five years and a third child later and she hasn't gone back yet 🙂 She is looking to return to work now, probably this year.

This has worked out well for us. We've both had a lot of time with the kids. I work from home and usually have a fairly flexible schedule, so I walk them to school in the morning, and probably pick them up a couple of times a week too. It means I work later in the evening when they're asleep, which generally works out fine.

It's not all roses, of course. I don't think being a full-time parent is an easy job all of the time. We're possibly shorter of cash than we might be, although given the cost of childcare I'm not really sure that's true.

On balance though it has been totally worth it for more time with the kids in these early years.

Mrs BC became a full time MUm when our first was born. For us, as with others, we wanted to have someone with the kids full time as they grew up rather then just ship them off to others to look after. At some cost. Sure, it was tough financially, and at times it was tough for both of us. It really isn't easy being a full time parent but then it's also tough being the one at work. Once the kids were older she picke up a very part time job that paid her a relative pittance. This was tied to the school that the kids were at and was obviously also tied to school terms. When the kids left school she left the job too. She had a bit of an illness after that which lasted a good few weeks and then got another job. Part time, zero hours, term time. Generally working in the mornings. She loves the work but struggles to work anything more than 4 mornings a week (the job only does mornings anyway). The pay amounts to basically pocket money for her. The zero hours thing works well for her and the company as they can't really afford to have staff contracted especially when there is no work. She has got involved in a lot of other things (she informally mentors a couple of people, which she loves) and it gives her time to do other things such as meeting friends and socialising. Now my daughter has recently given birth it has also enabled her to be able to spend more time with her and our granddaughter. We have been fotunate that we have at least been able to afford to live on one salary but it has meant being modest. However, we still have a bigger mortgage than I would like and she has very little self confidence to go out and find a better job. There are times when it pisses me off that she can have this frankly, at times, indulgent lifestyle where she can get away with not working because "she cannot cope / manage working full time and wouldn't know what to do". Most of the time it doesn't bother me as I can see she is happy and is enabled / free to do a lot of good things. However, those days when I look at the outstanding mortgage and when stuff hasn't been done at home that could have been, it does piss me off. Maybe I'm just beign a grumpy old git! 🙂

From my own and friends experience, it's coming back home from work and finding the "housewife/househusband" (as I know MrsMC gets this with me now!) has left chores you need to do after a full day at work.

Doesn't help if your the kind of person who goes looking for things to pick up on though.

My wife doesn't have a paid job but I have no doubt she actually does more WORK than me (especially with our third child being only 12 weeks old).

Anyone who has actually got involved with looking after small children and running a house will realise that many paid jobs are a damned sight easier.

Anyone who has actually got involved with looking after small children and running a house will realise that many paid jobs are a damned sight easier.

+1

I had a week or so off work doing all the kid wrangling while my Mrs was laid up following an operation.

I actively wanted to keep on top of everything, and I did -- the house was clean and tidy, the washing was done, tea cooked every night, etc, etc. But by God it just about killed me, and I wouldn't have wanted to sustain it much more than a week.

We could afford to live off my wage and my wife wanted to be around for our daughter so she gave up work. For us we are without any doubt sure it was the best thing for the child and once you can provide all of the essentials that is the most important decision making factor.

We don't have a flash life but we more than get by and the freedom that comes with my wife not working is brilliant. We desire time more than stuff.

One of the benefits is that MissJ has always had a role model of a working woman.

Sanctimonious tripe

So do we actually have any more context from the OP yet?

No, but as mentioned above, loads of guff from interested observers!

"
We don’t have a flash life but we more than get by and the freedom that comes with my wife not working is brilliant. We desire time more than stuff."

Ditto!

cheekyboy> Sanctimonious tripe

Thanks for your insightful contribution 🙂

I actively wanted to keep on top of everything, and I did — the house was clean and tidy, the washing was done, tea cooked every night, etc, etc. But by God it just about killed me, and I wouldn’t have wanted to sustain it much more than a week.

Good work Sir! I'm assuming you didn't let on it was hard work 😉

MrsJ went back to work very soon after MissJ was born. One of the benefits is that MissJ has always had a role model of a working woman. Your mileage may differ but we would say that being a stay-at-home mum is not a universal goal.

Genuine question, not a troll. Why have a kid if one of you isn’t going to be there for them in the early days? I just don’t get the mindset behind it and I’m interested in why folk do it.

Don’t think the working woman thing covers it tbh. I’d give up work in a flash to be at home with my kids. I’d send Mrs F back out to work if she could find something similar to my income. I’ve missed so many little milestones because of work. Things that’ll never happen again. Works just the thing that you have to do. Spending time with my kids is ****ing ace.

For some people "work isn't just something you do" Some people genuinely enjoy working. Why should that stop just because you have a kid?

Some people are fortunate enough to be able to work around family, some aren't.

Big yes to “work isn’t just something you do"

Neither of ours was when our child was born. Mine has become just work and I would quit tomorrow if we could cover the bills, which currently we cannot. My wife however is a world expert , published and very successful academic.

I do feel we missed stuff when our daughter was younger but now she is at school, not so much.

Why have a kid if one of you isn’t going to be there for them in the early days?

For some people “work isn’t just something you do” Some people genuinely enjoy working. Why should that stop just because you have a kid?

This, pretty much.

Plus we didn't have a kid just for our personal entertainment, and felt that she was gaining from being exposed to other kids and adults from an early age.

Interesting, thanks. I’ve never seen work as anything other than a necessary evil.

Why should that stop just because you have a kid?

For the good of the kid, especially in the early formative years. There is extensive research on the subject. So if I’m reading it correctly some of you put work before your kids or at least have them on a level playing field?

So if I’m reading it correctly some of you put work before your kids or at least have them on a level playing field?

Mmm no - like all parents we did what we thought, in our personal and unique situation, was for the best interests of our kid. Why would you assume otherwise?

So you figured both of you working was in the best interest of your kid? That’s the bit I’m finding difficult. Especially in light of your earlier “working woman role model” post. Came across as career more important. Clearly not what you meant though.

Odd view funkmasterp, life is all about balance. Just because you have children it does not mean you drop all drive, ambition, and future for yourself.

I would be interested to see the peer reviewed research of stay at home parents, that took into account all socio economic factors in the raising of children.

Sometimes whats best for the parents is also best for a child. Yes there is an argument that working through a child's formative years might not be ideal. But so are financial difficulties, and more importantly IMHO is the parents mental well being, work for many provides not only money but good mental health. If your not strong you can't be there for your children.

Google it, there’s a shit tonne of research. Especially for early years development. Not an odd view, just obviously different to yours. I’ve turned down promotions and the chance to travel with work as both would’ve impacted time with my family. Might be different when they’re older.

Not a case of dropping drive, ambition or my future. Just want to spend as much time as I can with my kids whilst they like me 😀

Maybe odd view was the wrong words. But sadly we don't all have the option to take the time when we can. If I had taken the time off during the nursery years I would have had to change career or my wife would have as neither of us could have gone back after a three year break. I would also echo the comments of taxi25. If you enjoy your work and you find rewarding it forms a big part of you.

Google shows nothing apart from a few daily mail type links. But I will stop there before we go off topic!

Dunno, ask Madame, I took a year off 17 years ago and have never felt the need to go back to work. We're doing fine but as I don't have a parallel life I can't say if it would have been better or worse for her or me if I'd gone back to work. Of one thing I'm certain, junior learned a lot of stuff and did a lot of things he wouldn't have done otherwise.

No, I won't help.

I was going to give details of our experience in this sort of situation but as the OP won't give any context I have no idea if it would be helpful, so I'm not going to bother.

(Thumbs nose and walks off in a huff)

Honestly....where TF has the OP gone? We need CONTEXT and we need it NOW!!

Thanks again to everyone who shared their own experiences.

So, now the dust has settled I can add our story to everyone else's:

Current situation: SHMBO is doing 3 days a week as a "senior" teacher and HOD. Stressful job with a nightmare 50 minute commute each way. Kids both at primary school, wraparound childcare for those three days is £500pcm.

Instead of jacking in work she's downsizing job to a very junior role in a school right on our doorstep. It's 5 days a week instead of 3. However they are very short days so she gets to do the school run both ways every day.

I win because it's getting her back to working 5 days a week. That's good for me because there will be less time buy shite from the garden centre and clutter the house up with more tat. Plus when the kids are older she might be less resistant to going back to full time work. Also saves me 40 minutes in traffic every morning 'cos I no longer need to do the wraparound care school run.

She wins because she gets an extra hour in bed and gets home two hours earlier on work days.' Plus far, far less stress. Plus no commute.

Kids miss out on the wraparound care which they love but will have more evening time for homework.

I haven't worked it out in detail but money will be neutral, I suspect the loss of salary will be made up by zero childcare costs and lower travel costs.

Everyone has ended up happier than before. Some stories do have happy endings.

Everyone has ended up happier than before. Some stories do have happy endings.

Sounds the perfect solution. It's proper graft this childcare / parenting lark.

Our youngest is now in FT school and it's extremely unlikely we'll have any more, she does about 30-45 mins of after-school club a day.

I personally think House Prices rising at multiples of the inflation rate is a wonderful benefit and well worth parents having to make the terrible choice between staying at home and working for 4+ years for every child... not

Seems a sensible solution all round.

But oh! you are a tease....😄

Too many uses of the word 'wraparound' make it sound like brainwashing.

She threatened you with the worst case scenario, now she's laughing. You've been had

I got totally taken, she gave up working, I took a job away from home to take up the slack as we were struggling financially, that’s now turned into she gave up so I could persue my low ranking but hard work long hours job away from home and should give her pretty much everything we have and everything I will earn in the future in the divorce

She has never paid a bill in 20 years

So in answer to op keep her working lol