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Wife has announced she wants to give up work, no sign of her backing down. I don't want her to no way I'm backing down. Ultimately I can't physically stop her handing her notice in.
I presume a lot of parents have had this battle, anyone fought it and won?
Looking for real life experience from other people who've been through it rather than advice on what *I* could do.
I announced to my wife I wanted to give up work. Think she’s still laughing, 9 months on, as I go off to work...
Get your notice handed in first - that’ll learn her
Let her do it, if she wants, an unhappy wife is not a good place to be, even if it means you think you've 'won'.
The big question is why?
Address the why and a solution'll most likely present itself.
My wife hasn't worked a full week in 16 years. She had 3 full years of maternity leave and then went part time for 2 or 3 days a week since then.
My wife gave up work when we were having a baby. That was the plan. She went back to work after a few years.
You've not given reasons for her wanting to give up and you not wanting her to but it seems you've a dodgy relationship if you can't agree on such fundamentals. For instance, does she have another source if income? Is this to raise children? Is she unhappy at work?
More context? Why are you 'not prepared to back down'?
My wife gave up fulltime work for a few years about 7 years back. She was unhappy in what she was doing and had been working since she was 17 (she was 35 at the time). We don't have kids and don't plan to, so she took some time, studied a bit, tried some self-employed work tried some different part time work. With a few adjustment we were able to afford it and still enjoy ourselves. It has been great for her personally, she's a better adjusted, wiser person she's discovered new passions and found ways to enjoy work again. I thought it was a great idea and encouraged it.
Get her down t’ pit lad.
[70s mode]If you're not struggling financially - then let her go for it. Think of all the housework you'll never have to do again![/70s mode]
Agree with others that there's nothing meaningful we can contribute until we know why she wants to give up work - however, the fact that neither of you is willing to back down from your position is a bit of a red flag for the relationship. IME one partner saying "I'm doing this and I don't care what you say" is never a good thing.
(When it comes to serious stuff anyway. If it's stuffing a full tub of ice cream in your face it's probably fine)
identify why she wants to give up work first.
My wife hasn’t worked a full week in 16 years. She had 3 full years of maternity leave and then went part time for 2 or 3 days a week since then.
Hmmmmm..... mine did this 23yrs ago, was only supposed to be whilst kids were pre school. Then back full time, time for a wee chat me thinks.
More context ...
Is it her specific job?
Kids?
A colleague said something to me a while back... "when I was signed off I didn't think I would ever work in any professional capacity ever again"
she (as it was a she though I'm not sure that's relevant) was in a right state that had been created by her job (or more accurately the crap that was "not her job").
So long as your tea's on the table when you get home, she can do what she likes.
WiFi not wanting to work you say.
Have you tried turning it off and on?
Well, looking after kids is tough and hard to fit around full-time work, especially if there is a commute. And if her full-time works means childcare from dawn to evening, then that seems a waste of being a parent to young kids.
Can she change to fewer hours, work from home, self-employment? It's what I do. I do all the kid stuff before and after school. I am self-employed and work from home. Means lunch-hour can be a ride if I fancy it too. Would I give up all work? No way. I enjoy it and I'm earning.
After our second was born my wife went through a period of wanting to either cut her hours significantly or move to a job that basically paid peanuts but was in a field she was really interested in.
I never said she couldn't, shouldn't or anything like that, I told her she could do what she liked and we would make it work. I also pointed out that 'making it work' would involve down sizing the house, cutting back on non essentials like Sky telly, posh hair cuts, nights out and changing her fancy SUV for something considerably cheaper.
She's still in a similar full time job three years later.
Why does she want to give up?
My (now) wife wanted to give to work, or at least give up the career and go and do something “easy”.
Turned out what she really needed was support, to see a doctor, some counselling and some time out. It took a few years but she’s happier than ever at the moment and working part time now is suiting her well.
You maybe need to have a chat with her and find out what the real problem is.
My wife had a good sales job but was finding it increasingly restricted by stupid rules, not to mention the worsening traffic. She resigned and not really surprisingly we conceived a few months later after trying for a year. Our joint income dropped but we managed. I carried on working while she raised our child and assumed the role of stay-at-home wife, which she hated but really she had little choice as it would have been bonkers for me to arrive back from work at 6.30 and for her to say "Cook the dinner then you can do some cleaning".
You might 'win' the battle but be sure the war will be lost. Communication is key, add in a bit of actual listening and reflect back to her what you hear. It's a partnership and you have to work together, as many have said above find out why and go from there.
Wife has announced she wants to give up work
My wife gave up work for a few years when we had our second child.
She's now in a senior position and earns £30k more than me.
As above - the issue is not that she's actually doing this, it's why.
Unless there would be a finance issue I'm not sure why you'd want to stop her. Let her give it a go and see what happens - she may decide it's not for her and go back to work.
Happy wife - happy life*
* no guarantees implied or given
My wife hasn’t worked a full week in 16 years
Have you tried mentioning that to her? Should be interesting when you do:-)
Have you tried mentioning that to her?
Yep. 6pm every Friday.
It's getting a bit old now if i'm honest. 🙂
Still, i have the school holidays to look forward to as she doesn't work them either, even though she works in a bank. Term time contract innit.
Lots of jobs are often pretty crappy, so who can blame her!
Well, looking after kids is tough
Bill thinks otherwise
My wife gave up work when we had our second. She'd only gone back 2 days a week after first maternity leave so that she would qualify for statuatory maternity pay with the second.
But, she worked in childcare which is woefully undervalued and underpaid. Our son wasn't allowed to attned the nursery she worked in due to understandable conflict of interest. By the time we had paid for his childcare she was coming out with about £10 per day profit. It really wasn't worth the stress it cause.
So when our second was born it was a no-brainer that she wasn't going to be going back to work anytime soon.
She was much happier for it and so was I.
Now that the youngest has just started school she has returned back in to part time work 2-3days a week and fitting it around school hours.
I gave up work at the age of 28 for 5 years to be a full time stay at home parent, on the agreement that I would go back to work once our eldest started school. We swapped roles after the birth of or our third child ( 10 years ago). It was hard at first I was earning a third of what she had been, but the tax credit system made up a lot of the shortfall we still had to cut back on our spending. I wouldn't want to go back to that wasteful materialistic lifestyle now, we value our time together as a family more. One of use has taken the kids to nursery or school everyday of their lives and been home for them, I don't think you can put a price on that.
Things we gave up, flying, new cars bought on credit and anything else bought on credit( we save up for large purchases), A glass of wine every evening (I barely drink now), eating out every weekend, takeaway coffee, smashed avocado on toast, new bikes ( my new bike is 11 years old, the kids all have second hand bikes), a 4/5 bed house the 5 of us live in a modest 3 bed bungalow.
Nothing to see here....
Except....
I presume a lot of parents have had this battle, anyone fought it and won?
Lots of chat about giving up work when having kids here, however the OP hasn’t even hinted at that being the case
I'm intested in how people have resolved the situation regardless. Kids/no kids the principle is the same.
perchypanther
Member
Except….
How very dare you point out that that I didn't read it properly!
She resigned and not really surprisingly we conceived a few months later after trying for a year.
Well what else is there to do with so much spare time.
outofbreath
Member
I’m intested in how people have resolved the situation regardless. Kids/no kids the principle is the same.
It really isn't. Sacking off work to look after kids has all kinds of implications. Sacking off work just because you don't want to work is quite different
Well what else is there to do with so much spare time.
Homes Under the Hammer?
I presume a lot of parents have had this battle
The sums when my second one arrived didn't work out that my wife staying in work and paying a ton of childcare was worthwhile in any way.
Her work was not "career" at that point so there weren't any real considerations on that front, your situation may differ.
Lastly, how do you pin a value on one parent being around for the children during their formative years?
I do like Martel.....she's like a budget Karen Gillan.....
I’m intested in how people have resolved the situation regardless
We talked about it, her reasons for wanting to look for more from what she was doing, the fact she didn't get the opportunity to study post school whereas I did. Her job was having an impact on her mental health, and I'm an advocate of changing that and prioritising your health above some income.
I care more about her than I do about whether we are both contributing equally to mortgage, bills etc etc. I also enjoy what I do and am prepared to change it if I don't like it. I was working in London for a few years, better paid than I am now, really interesting company, but the commute was taking a toll on my time and my health, so I changed it, less money, but now a bike ride to work, 15kg lighter and happier for it.
It may also help that while working in London I worked with a coach, she taught me a lot and opened my eyes to looking at who I am vs who I want to be. Why I do the things I do and how I can think about them and make decisions rather than just acting emotionally.
She resigned and not really surprisingly we conceived a few months later after trying for a year.
Two clones of the current Dr Who both have IVF?
I’m intested in how people have resolved the situation regardless. Kids/no kids the principle is the same.
Tell us more about how the principle is the same?
With kids there's a strong case for one of the parents to be off work for an extended period of time.
Without... ?
I can't see how the principle can be the same?
1 - should I consider giving up work for the benefit of the family unit (kids, family reasons, ill health, etc)
2 - I don't want to work despite the rest of you.
Definitely would put a different context to a discussion for me.
I’m intested in how people have resolved the situation regardless. Kids/no kids the principle is the same.
Well in our case it was because of kids that my wife asked to go part time. We looked into and found we would be fine. The kids are much older now and my wife is still part time, can’t see her ever going full time. Taking seems to solve lots of issues.
Glaring stereotype, but now and again my Wife has 'ideas', they're not really ideas, they're set on concrete plans she's had in place for weeks, if not months and is now ready to whack me about the head with them. Frankly I think she puts more effort into trying to handle me than working out how it's going to work, if it can.
I assume OPs objection is a financial one - the only fair and reasonable thing to do is to work out how the balance of work and payments is going to work. By that I mean can you continue with your current lifestyle if she doesn't work? I'd bet not, so what's she willing to sacrifice to be at home? Can you even afford it, if so how. Finally what's in it for you? I have a mate who works himself half to death and his Wife runs the home nothing wrong in that, but he has to come home to find dishes need washing, clothes put away and such because it's "his share" that's really not fair.
My wife has said a few times she gets tired in work, which I'm sure we all do and "one day" she'd like to reduce her hours to 4 days a week, I just say "me first" I've been working full-time for 24 years now, she's been full-time for about 3. I'm also 6 years older
OP are you not going to back down on giving some context either 🙂
Two pages and no mention of patios let alone any context.
I’m intested in how people have resolved the situation regardless. Kids/no kids the principle is the same.
The principle is the same as ultimately it’s a joint sect where you weigh up positives and negatives and come with a solution.
I have no kids and my wife dropped to very part time for a while. Somehow did so as her job was causing her mental health issues and she didn’t like it. We could afford for her not to work so it was a relatively easy decision. Kids or not, her health and well-being came first.
I’m intested in how people have resolved the situation regardless. Kids/no kids the principle is the same.
It really isn’t. Sacking off work to look after kids has all kinds of implications. Sacking off work just because you don’t want to work is quite different
and not to put too fine a point on it sacking off work is a good alternative to suicide, depression or other health issues
The OP post is remarkable how, in so few words, it can present as such an unhealthy relationship. Can you not discuss this together, can you not understand her point of view, can neither of you compromise?
WiFi not wanting to work you say.
Have you tried turning it off and on?
Maybe turning it on more would result in a potentially healthier relationship.
MrsMC went part time after we had the kids, but her job still had irregular hours which meant that I was trying to work full time and use flexitime to juggle childcare at the same time. It also meant I had to let a couple of promotions pass me by as I couldn't commit to the hours due to the kids.
Eventually came to a head when I had a breakdown. Now switched roles, I'm part time/term time and she is full time. My hours, and promotion prospects, are still restricted by the kids, and now my income and pension contributions are as well.
She's back in a full time career that is grinding her down and hating it, even though we are much better off financially this way round
It's been fascinating the two of us seeing the traditional gender roles from the other side. We are somehow still married and kids seem to be turning out out ok, nothing else matters really
My wife gave up work around the time my son was born/when MIL had a heart attack. she did do a law degree part time over 4 years. She went back part time after a few years, and only since the kids were in latter years of high school/college did she go back full time. She's done a number of 'contracts' then had a break of a couple of months then goes back. A couple of the companies weren't great places so she didn't want to stay. She's currently in a 6 month contract after a break of 2 months.
She'd like to just do part time, but seeing as I do 95% of the cooking and housework, I think that's a bit much. I'd love to go part time, but that would impact my pension (her's is rubbish) so I'm better off maxing out my pension for next 10-15 years as she won't get much when she retires. It's a bit one sided TBH - we'd all love part time, but money and job doesn't always allow this. I couldn't do my job part time as it wouldn't slow down the work.
If she did part time, my load of housework wouldn't reduce ! Certainly didn't when she had two months off.
If it's down to not liking the work/company, then I understand. My wife was 'done over' by two companies, one of whom she 'did over' with a strongly worded letter about employment law, and she walked away with 6 month's pay.
PS my SIL's forget that my missus gave up work to look after her mum at the time she had a full time job. We could afford it, just, and managed. My missus wages pay for a holiday and our caravan rent. Mine goes on the bills, and the 5 cats she has ! 🙂
If there is a good reason (health/kids/career change), then why not. If just to bum about, then no, as she'd find getting back into work, should circumstances change, difficult.
Not working means cutting back on any of the luxuries - cars, holidays, TV packages, hobbies.
If you can afford to live on one salary I cant see the problem.
I’m better off maxing out my pension for next 10-15 years as she won’t get much when she retires.
What happens to your pension when you snuff it? Will Mrs F get a residual payment? It's all good to max it and get the benefit of compounding, but if it gets lost on death then there's no help to the Mrs.
I'm unfortunately worth more dead, so better watch out for patio excavations. 🙂
My wife stopped working for 15 years when kids were young. Though some health issues she had were another reason. It worked OK. No foreign holidays. Careful spending. Some second hand furniture.
There wasn't really an option. Her mother was too elderly to help out. My mother while always there for emergencies and very generous with presents etc for the kids had also said that having raised 4 children herself she wasn't going to spend her retirement being a Mon-Fri granny.
She has now been working part time for 15 years since the kids left school and we have enjoyed the perks of not having to count pennies and running two cars and long haul holidays etc.
It's all down to why. Stopping work to put the feet up? Selfish. Stopping work because parenting is a full time job unless you pay someone to do it for you - a reasonable choice.
wife gave her pharmacy career up 2 or 3 years ago now, she was having to commute from one side of town to the other at rush hour which was a soul-destroying element of the job in itself each day, plus generally dislike of working there.
shes interested in beauty/nails/eyelashes etc, so we gambled a couple of grand setting her up in that. we paid for courses and equipment, hoping itd finally come good and make us a profit in the long run, she could work from a home studio, hours to suit her lifestyle, and more social etc etc....
hasnt worked out, the customers didnt come, so shes now resigned herself to part-time, self-employed cleaner, but shes still a lot happier than working in the pharmacy for da man, likes her customers, hours are flexible to suit, and importantly we can afford it.
TLDR, lifes too short to be in a rut at work and getting depressed about it (if thats the OP's reason), better to regret something youve done than havent done etc etc..... hope it all works out for you.
I’m intested in how people have resolved the situation regardless. Kids/no kids the principle is the same.
It really isn’t. Sacking off work to look after kids has all kinds of implications. Sacking off work just because you don’t want to work is quite different
This. Many, many times this.
Plus if you want real advice, rather than just stirring, we really need more background and context.
I accept that the core will come down to communication in either case - it almost always does - but other than that advice will vary.
As others have said, there's too many unknown variables here to offer any real advice. The OP basically says "my wife and I disagree about something, what should I do?"
Why does she want to give up work? Is it a reasonable reason?
Why you not want her to? Is it a reasonable reason?
One thing I don't think has been suggested yet: is there a compromise to be had? Three day week / part time / working from home maybe?
As others have said, there’s too many unknown variables here to offer any real advice.
He said he doesn't want advice
The OP basically says “my wife and I disagree about something, what should I do?”
No, the OP basically says “my wife and I disagree about something, what did other people do?”
I feel we may have been led down the garden path with a controversial opinion to stimulate argument rather than a genuine request for assistance
I feel we may have been led down the garden path with a controversial opinion to stimulate argument
No we haven't.
Are you here for the full half hour?
No we haven’t.
This isn't panto y'know...
This isn’t panto y’know…
Oh yes it is!
Oh no it isn't!
Yep my wife stopped working after our 2nd and 3rd (twins) children were born. She went back but the pressure was crazy on both of us and the children so she stopped after 3 months. One of the kids health suffered as a result of us both working - she needed extra care and despite having great support it just wasn't the same. It was a combination of the kids but also the job being a fair commute away and also very stressful/difficult.
Staying at home with kids is really hard. It's hugely unervalued by society but really there's no more important work being done every day than by folk at home looking after their kids. Our society doesn't value it that way which is unfortunate.
I'm a bit troubled by the zero sum game attitude in the OP. If winning is both parents working, then the kids getting more parental support is a lose?
My (soon to be ex) wife only ever worked part-time prior to kids, and never had a "career". Owing to the low pay and a bit of a commute once we'd bought our own place (with some help from my parents as they had a bit of a windfall), she decided to be a stay at home mum.
I always resented this, as she really never pulled her weight around the place and despite claims of doing all the housework etc. it seemed a lot more like she put things off until the weekend.
When I said we were skint, she never took it seriously, practically forced me to buy a new car when I didn't really have the cash and the old one didn't suit her "needs" (which would've been OK as her needs were work related, but then she gave up on that line of work a year or two after I'd lumped us with finance payments on the car). She contributed nothing from any of the jobs once the kids were born to the household bills (occasionally she would fill the car, which I never used, up with petrol or get the shopping in and act like I should give her a fanfare). And she never made me feel supported, she was always taking everything she could - including in my mind my time with the kids when young as I had no option but to work full time whilst spiralling into more debt.
A month or two before we split up, she talked about doing a course rather than finding a job when the youngest went to school. I made it very clear that I wouldn't be happy with this, but eventually agreed. I really wasn't happy and should've stood my ground (my original position was you can do the course, but I'll divorce you if you do).
Eventually things came to a head as I'd been a bit of a naughty boy (not the right thing but in the circumstances I don't feel too guilty about it, there were far more problems than outlined above).
She made many cost savings when she moved out, and is currently on benefits (and despite taking no debt from the marriage, she's built up significant debt that will take a significant portion of what she's going to get from me, which is solely because my work pension did well while we were together).
I get to have more quality time with the kids, and to ride my bike more. I still work full time but by this Friday I'll be debt free excluding the mortgage. I've got a beautiful new woman in my life and I'm building a new, happier life. I actually look forward to the future now.
So I'd say stand your ground, if she's stopping work to look after kids agree on the consequences and household work share that will result from this. Perhaps consider both going part time instead (better tax implications so you'll end up better off if you're on similar wages). But remember things are difficult with young kids. Looking back I see a lot of things I resent her for, but I also see a lot of times I could've acted a lot more constructively.
Staying at home with kids is really hard. It’s hugely unervalued by society but really there’s no more important work being done every day than by folk at home looking after their kids. Our society doesn’t value it that way which is unfortunate.
I’m a bit troubled by the zero sum game attitude in the OP. If winning is both parents working, then the kids getting more parental support is a lose?
I guess in my case, I saw a lot of things that I would do differently too, not that my ex doesn't have things to offer the kids just we both offer them different things, and I had very little time to do those things.
I feel we may have been led down the garden path with a controversial opinion
Does it lead to a disputed allotment?
Quality of relationships really varies, amazes me how people get into this things and then have kids as well, but I'm not in one of them so what do I know!
Sounds like it's worked out ok for you philj!
OP - You need to answer two main questions if you want any constructive advice.
1. Why does your wife want to give up work?
2. Why don't you want her to give up work?
Radical idea but rather than posting on an internet forum you could even have a conversation about it yourselves.
We had a long conversation when my wife first fell pregnant about what we thought would be the best family setup.
We both agreed that we were becoming parents and that we wanted to be the ones to bring our kids up rather than, if it could be helped, looking at childcare options. My wife worked in education so I earned 3 times what she did so it made a lot of sense that she would be the one to become a stay at home parent.
As it turned out 2 months after my son was born I got made redundant which threw a massive spanner in the works (company I worked for folded so no lovely payout for me) I started contracting and we debated my wife going back to work but given the cost of childcare of a quality we were happy with it was not financially worth it.
After my second child went in to full time education my wife went back to work 3 days a week and the balance works nicely for us. Without wanting to sound like a dick I earn enough its irrelevant if my missus works and everything is a joint account anyway so there's no 'pocket money' type conversations between she and I.
Her work is massively beneficial to those she works with and emotionally challenging for her so 3 days a week works nicely for her mental well being.
At each decision point we have sat and discussed whats best for us as a family. There have been a few issues with regards to me "not pulling my weight at home" or her "expecting me to work a 14 hour day and do the chores" but we have reached a nice balance.
If she worked 5 days a week then maybe I'd have more exciting toys but she'd be miserable. I know which is better!
Sounds like it’s worked out ok for you philj!
Yup, worked out in the end.
Radical idea but rather than posting on an internet forum you could even have a conversation about it yourselves.
This is indeed the easier-said-than-done solution. No stubbornness etc. but try to understand why she wants it the way she wants it and vice versa (but without arguing, just tell her how you feel and why).
I gave up working Wednesdays at the start of the year, as I fancied riding my bike more and there is a Wed am group ride, which I used to join. The wife was most unhappy about it, even though we can easily afford it (DINKYs with no mortgage).
If you can afford to live on one salary I cant see the problem.
It guess it depends on the family / couple and how may children if any are involved.
Personally I like material things, I know this makes me a terrible person, but I like my bike and my car, my Wife likes her clothes and loves a holiday / weekend away and we both like our new home it's all modest stuff, we're not parking a Range Rover outside a 6 bed house or jetting off to the Caribbean for Xmas. All this stuff costs money of course, I also REALLY like not having to worry about bills or buying food which I've had to do in the past.
Now both our kids are of school age so if she wanted to be a Housewife it wouldn't save us any childcare costs or anything like that and the amount of extra time she'd spend with the kids would be negligible.
Very few people enjoy work, well enjoy it enough they do it if they didn't have to. If my Wife suddenly decided she no longer wanted to work, she wanted to take up the role a lot of the Mums at my Daughters school have - it's drop the kids to school in the Gymshark kit, off to the Coffee shop for a chat then maybe a bit of lunch in the Cafe in the posh Garden Centre and then home for 2, whip the hoover around whilst Richard and Judy do their thing and back to school for the pick-up / session chat I could become really resentful when things get tight.