[Closed] Wife -v- Teenage daughter - help!...

put a sofa in the mancave and hide for the next 8 yrs?

YABU, take your wife's side, she'll be there after your daughter's left.

being even handed means they'll both think you;re on the other ones side, ime.

(I don't have a solution)

Extend the patio by 12 feet.

Your daughter can't win, even if you are not in full agreement with the wife, you should be seen to be with her.
Things have changed, but your daughter doesn't tell her mum the rules.

Sounds a bit like teenager needs a role model and you're taking a back seat and your wife is being heavy handed? Somewhere between is a happy medium.

I'm no good with that crap, which is why I never had kids.

Bet your wife feels really secure in this relationship. Not one of your comments held her in a positive light. Nothing about her trying to maintain discipline. Nothing about her trying to keep standards. Just everything being normal and you not wanting to rock the boat.

You refer to 'your' daughter. Is she from a previous marriage or is she more yours than hers?

Parenting isn't always about being your childrens best friend and going with the flow. Sometimes its about being unpopular and working together. A flippant remark from your kids here and there isn't the end of the world. A partner stabbing you in the back and not being man enough to deal with it in a grown up manner and blaming the other partner is though. I would look at why you aren't backing your Wife up in these situations and basically fueling your daughters 'kevin & perry' moments.

I'm having to learn when to shoosh up, then head back later for a calmer discussion and talk, not ratchet up the argument with ours...
It is a tough one to work out 'right' answer - do you allow them to be rude or dictate, or do you stand up and say 'not in my house'?
It is that taper off in control until they are 18...

[quote=matt_outandabout ]do you allow them to be rude or dictateNo

OP - you need a calm discussion with your Missus. Go away for the weekend or something and get out of the house for a wee while. Then have a chat about your [i]joint[/i] approach in a relaxed atmosphere.

* Full disclosure, non-parent, but have seen what feels like much the same with sister, her husband and their children and it ended badly*

In front of your daughter, you should [b]actively[/b] support and agree with your wife, even if you don't really, otherwise your wife feels like the dragon who has to set all the rules and never gets any support from you, and your daughter gets mixed messages about what is expected of her from her parents.

If you think your wife is over-reacting in some situations, you must discuss it with her, but these discussion must take place when your daughter is not there.

TLHobo makes sense - I'd be very reticent to not back up the other adults unless they were batshit mental. You can play peacemaker but maybe try agreeing a deal with your wife first and one that doesn't chuck her perspective out the window in favour of being a liberal hero. Good luck fella!

Start leaving the toilet seat up! 😆

No

Having thought more, I am also of the 'back up in front of the kids, we agree...' thought, discuss with your wife later without kids around if needed...

Family counselling if its really getting bad? Perhaps you need someone from outside to look at the dynamic? There may well be things where you have misunderstood the importance to your wife or vice versa - and 35 yrs ago or now - no odds. Politeness is politeness

Otherwise I echo IHN above

I agree with supporting your wife. Then, when you have her alone, discuss things with her – but don't say 'you did x wrong', say "I was thinking about x and perhaps we could tackle it like this...'

Can't say I am looking forward to the next ten years - having two 7 year old girls myself I know I am in for some fun and games. We already have the problem where I see my wife handle things in a way I wouldn't and she sees me doing the same – at the end of the day, we (as the adults) need to understand that we aren't all the same and in the heat of battle we don't always make the best choices.

Good luck.

You need to back your wife up, then discuss with your wife what the rules should be. You can always go back to daughter afterwards and say "we might have been wrong, how about if ....."

My lad is same age as OPs daughter. No real issues yet, very strict about backchat though.

LittleMissMC is apparently just like her mother was and will be a nightmare.

What IHN said is what I was going to add. (Also not a parent.) You have to provide a united front or she'll play one against the other and your wife will feel like she's losing both of you.

If you have to disagree with your wife, do it a) when she's calmed down and b) out of earshot of the daughter.

JoeG - Member

Start leaving the toilet seat up!

Yep, it doesn't matter how much they hate each other, given a common enemy and they'll unite.

I hardly see my 16 yr old as she's always in her room either doing homework but mostly on social meeja.

When your wife is in a calm cheerful state of mind get her to read this:

My wife can't let things wash over her, she takes teenage ranty comments personally, and I'm in the wrong for being not backing her up and being too laid back about things.

If I feel my wife is wrong I tend to just shut-up and let her get on with it. And often don't say what I really feel.

There are constant references to 'well when I was her age we wouldn't have been allowed to do that'. Yep, well that was 35yrs ago - times have changed somewhat.

It's all a bit Kevin & Perry, but it's starting to get serious now. My wife feels she's being pushed out by my daughter and me (which is not the case). It's creating arguments between me and the wife and the atmosphere in the house is terrible at times.

She's not a feral teenager either. Doesn't get into trouble, participates in sports etc, sociable with her friends - IMO just a teenager. A decent kid.

I'm not sure how to approach things anymore.

I don't know how old your teenage daughter is, but even if she's 19 she's still a child in many ways, despite what the law says. You can't go head to head with her, you need to be the adult. If you're not appearing to engage then your wife may be feeling like she has to shoulder the burden of discipline and ends up being too heavy handed.

I'm a decade away from teenage times but I've become quite a fan of the wise advice on this site:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/

You can't control children, let alone young adults. Your wife needs to work with your daughter and you need to make her feel she's going to be supported (so her actions need to meet with your approval).

Here is a suggestion. Sit around the dinner table together (All of you). Be clear to the daughter that you and the wife are a team and unless the wife, as someone above said, is batshit mental you will side with you wife. This gives your wife the support she needs to be in control (Maybe even you take some of that off her back). It also gives the daughter no reason to play the devisive game (Its no coincidence that she is winding your wife up and not the 'cool' dad). Then point out to the daughter that she should grow up a little and point out that she is causing a wedge between her parents. Then also mention to the wife that maybe she needs a little bit of relaxation. Offer some help with the things that are stressing her out. Point out that she is causing you and your daughter to be unhappy and that if you help, maybe she will be able to relax a bit. Maybe even your daughter will start enjoying her company a bit more and offer some help.

My family is nowehere near perfect but we try to encourage discussion and the kids know that popular or not, me and my wife will always try to support each other

In front of your daughter, you should [b]actively[/b] support and agree with your wife, even if you don't really,

best of luck mate.

I have twin teenage stepsons, I feel the pain of anyone having to try and balance the needs of discipline and maintaining support for one's partner.

FWIW, my missus and I agreed that we'd adopt the good cop bad cop approach, but I'd be good cop and she'd be bad cop which played against our natural inclinations. We had tacit agreement beforehand that one would always support the other behind the scenes, so this approach worked reasonably well, it allowed me to build bridges and practice resolving conflict and allowed my missus the opportunity to confront poor behaviour.

Neither lad is in jail, so I can only call it a success.

Much typing, much deleting. Hobo's first post is all you need.

"see im not sure i agree with this. my missus has some real blow ups with our lads and a lot of it could be avoided if she spoke less confrontationally."

This.

Women like confrontation and argument. 99 per cent of the crap she give's your daughter will be purely for her own entertainment.

The solution is for her to be calm, consistent and reasonable with you and your daughter. Someone else can explain how to achieve that.

My daughter is nearly 14.

I should add that in no way do I leave discipline solely to my wife. We generally agree on what is right and wrong and how we want things/behaviour to be, it's that our approaches are different. And the direct 'you must do this, you must do that' approach that was fine when she was a lot younger doesn't work all that well now - it needs a different approach.

I'm certainly not a chilled/new dad type - my daughter and I have our own bust-ups, especially over home-work several times a week.

It's the small things that get blown up - crockery being left around the house being a major source of angst for example! I'll get my daughter to come from wherever she is and put it in the dishwasher, I'll get her back time and again depending on how many items I find.

My wife's approach is to yell a instructions upstairs, not make sure it's been heard (daughter often has headphones in), yell same instruction 30 mins later, repeat until an argument ensues.

I was bought up in a pretty strict controlled manner, and I don't have a close relationship with my parents now - we get along, but that's all. I don't want our daughter to feel that way about us in 10, 20, 30 years time.

And the lifestyle my daughter leads is one we have created. We allow her to do sports 4 nights a week. The rest of her time seems to be filled by homework.

Good god man. Never let them devide and conquer.

[s]Mine[/s] ours is nearly 16, but she's pretty decent generally. If she is arguing with my wife, and I think my wife is wrong, I keep quite, unless the wee one is rude or raises her voice to her mother, in which case I deal with that aspect robustly.

Fairness is key.

Hold a Pie Bake Off and pledge your support to the winner.

If it's a dead heat then hold a Tidyupthehouse Off.

Jeepers outofbreath - what sort of women do you know?

We made a pact many years ago that even if we disagreed we would never argue over the kids behaviour. It was always a solid view from both of us and our way was the only way.

I have some sympathy for the OP. When MissJ was a teenager we had similar problems - we agreed to lighten up on the small things (tidy room etc) in order to concentrate on keeping open a dialogue, but MrsJ just couldn't overlook things and "family dinners" lasted 5 minutes before she's start up complaining about a messy room. So probably I looked like I didn't back her up, but at the same time she hadn't kept to what we had discussed.

When your wife is in a calm cheerful state of mind get her to read this

I would probably think alerting your wife to the fact you have asked a group of random Internet stranger's on a bike forum for their advice would stop her calm cheerful state of mind.

captainsasquatch - Member
Your daughter can't win, even if you are not in full agreement with the wife, you should be seen to be with her.
Things have changed, but your daughter doesn't tell her mum the rules.

Totally agree.

Look if your wife is wrong and over the top then you shouldn't back her up it will fuel her fire and could make things worse. You then run the risk of completely alienating your daughter.
You need to act as a mediator if my wife is going over the top I tell her, likewise if she's right I back her up.
She does the same with me of course!

Someone once said your children will always be your family but your wife may not!
Don't lose your daughter.

I have some sympathy for the OP. When MissJ was a teenager we had similar problems - we agreed to lighten up on the small things (tidy room etc) in order to concentrate on keeping open a dialogue, but MrsJ just couldn't overlook things and "family dinners" lasted 5 minutes before she's start up complaining about a messy room. So probably I looked like I didn't back her up, but at the same time she hadn't kept to what we had discussed.

^This!

We can have had a lovely day out, sit down for tea and my wife starts an argument because my daughter has shovelled up a bit of mash with her fork in her right hand. Boom - day ruined for the sake of something trivial.

Really? It sounds like your wife has got problems not your daughter.

No pudding?

I would be interested to know if those who felt their wives were undermining the situation are still married...

Might be worth asking her to consider her whinge to positive comment ratio
Last time I pointed this out to my other half she did concede that she was just moaning all the time

I would be interested to know if those who felt their wives were undermining the situation are still married...

*sigh* You can't win (14yr old daughter here) Women are 100% mental. I got a load of abuse last night as I was 20 minutes late (due to traffic) so I apparently ruined Halloween 😯

Good Luck !!

Would you really want to be married to a bloke?!

14 yo son, and partner has a 14yo daughter - yes it is a challenge!

I feel that I'm sometimes the critical one with my son. He's awesome (and younger than your daughter) but I sometimes feel the need to 'help' him with things he seems to struggle with before he asks for help.

I'm trying to do more of this:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pride-and-joy/201203/criticism-part-i-the-harmfulness-criticism-0

Those of you making misogynistic comments about wives and women, has it occurred to you that their apparent faults may have bugger all to do with the fact they are female. No need to write off all women!

Those of you making misogynistic comments about wives and women, has it occurred to you that their apparent faults may have bugger all to do with the fact they are female. No need to write off all women!

EDIT: (hope you didnt consider my input as misogynistic an any way vicky, thats not how it was meant to come across)

vickypea - Member
Those of you making misogynistic comments about wives and women, has it occurred to you that their apparent faults may have bugger all to do with the fact they are female. No need to write off all women!

Really ?
You have one slightly iffy post in a very balanced thread and you throw that in
If I'm wrong please show me the misogyny in this thread

I am not a parent - however I was a teenage girl, and like most, I was good at playing the parents off against each other. Divide and conquer, mixed with mis-direction. You daughter seems to have the instinct.

I think it might be a matter of trying to work out exactly what is going on as I think you are beginning to do -seeing a pattern.If for instance it's a matter of your daughter pushing boundaries and challenging her mother then you have to be solid with your partner .If your partner moves the goalposts and is inconsistent- thus making you either support her in doing something you don't necessarily agree with then she is putting you in an impossible position .I think as parents you and your partner need to discuss basic parental values which you may have inherited without realising .Hope this helps - just don't get in a position trying to placate both sides

As a part of the solution in the shorter term, I'd be tempted (if it's not noticed by your wife that is) to do some of the crockery sorting some of the time, just to lessen the number of instances for tension, and take it upon myself to try and do a bit more of the asking for getting get to clear it up.

I'm thinking that if your wife is doing cooking and general housework, she might feel less inclined than you to keep going back to get her to finish putting the pots away, from feeling that she has enough to do already - which is probably true from her perspective.

A mixture of talking to your wife about how daughter probably won't be hearing her if she shouts, doing a bit of the sorting yourself, and getting on at your daughter to sort things 'as and when' so that she doesn't have to asked is how I'd try and tackle that particular issue - because that's inline with my personality you might say, it might not work for you.

vikypea has a really good point about not tarring all women as being mental and illogical etc, it's not fair at all.

Men can be just as illogical...

My friends have 3 kids. Their eldest daughter is absolutely gorgeous and always polite when we visit.
The plain fact is that they don't like her. I don't know why.
The youngest daughter is pure evil and gets away with everything.
It's horrible to see.
Maybe your wife just doesn't like your daughter. My wife and her mum never got on. There must be some hormonal thing going on.

Not getting on can be down to similarities in personality, my mum and I only reached a place of continuing calmness after we realised that we were very alike (in an unhelpful way), am glad that got to happen before she passed away.

I think there's a territorial thing too, whilst my son and I just got on and made space for each other my wife [ ex] and daughter were always creating confrontations like they were vieing for alpha female , as others have said quite quite unpleasant and hard to witness - the level of nastiness out of all proportion to the cause of whatever conflict

Really ?
You have one slightly iffy post in a very balanced thread and you throw that in
If I'm wrong please show me the misogyny in this thread

Women like confrontation and argument.

Women are 100% mental.

There must be some hormonal thing going on.

my wife starts an argument because my daughter has shovelled up a bit of mash with her fork in her right hand.

I think if I were you, I'd have a chat to your OH when you're both calm and not post-argument. Suggest that "we" (not her) are having a lot of rows, and that perhaps "we" can come to an agreement to not sweat the small stuff.

She's 13. In a little while she'll be potentially discovering boys (or girls), alcohol, cigarettes, weed and goodness knows what else, at which point neither of you will give the slightest of shits if she's eating mashed potato with her feet and licking the plate clean afterwards. By the time she's rolling on condoms you'll be glad she's being safe rather than worrying that she's doing it with the wrong hand.

The whole knife and fork place-settings is arse-backwards anyway. You eat with your right hand if you're using a fork or spoon on its own, but swap hands if a knife is involved as well? What's up with that? I'm left-handed, I eat with my left regardless of what's in my right. You righties are odd.

"I think if I were you, I'd have a chat to your OH when you're both calm"

That's the problem. Trying to have a conversation that isn't a row with someone who wants to escalate everything into a row.

If she was reasonable, the problem wouldn't exist.

Have you tried vacuuming the house? Or cleaning the bathrooms?

[b]outof breath[/b] I think that's a bit of a leap on from the posts by the OP... possibly projecting from your own experience, and I've been there in one relationship...

"I think that's a bit of a leap on from the posts by the OP..."

I suspect he wouldn't be posting here if a calm civil conversation with his wife was feasible.

Obviously if it is he should simply do that.

That doesn't mean she is the sole source of unreasonablness, Or that she can't, once she sees he isn't in league against her, listen to what he has to say, when things are quieter and they are away from their daughter.

Anyway, sometimes people just need to ventilate, and this is a good a place as any...

"That doesn't mean she is the sole source of unreasonablness, Or that she can't, once she sees he isn't in league against her, listen to what he has to say, when things are quieter and they are away from their daughter."

No, but the OP sounds reasonable to me.

I didn't mean the whole thread was misogynistic, but there were a few examples as pointed out by ransos (thanks).

I realised that I hadn't contributed to the thread though! My thoughts are that we should cut teenagers a certain amount of slack because their brains aren't wired like an adult's, but on the other hand that shouldn't mean they have carte blanche to be rude and hurtful. OP, could you maybe act as a mediator and not take either side, see if you can negotiate peace?

I don't think the OP should be a mediator, he should be 50% of a united front in bringing up their child.

vickypea - well said. a few comments on here have really made me go WTF?

It's the small things that get blown up - crockery being left around the house being a major source of angst for example! I'll get my daughter to come from wherever she is and put it in the dishwasher, I'll get her back time and again depending on how many items I find.

Approach it from a different angle? Put the dirty crockery in a box in the garage/shed and serve her food up on paper plates and with plastic knives and forks when you have no more clean stuff left. It might be a pain but if you approach it with the right attitude you and your missus can have a laugh at teh same time.

When my oldest son was doing the 'I can do what I want' thing I cut all of the plugs off of all the electrical items in his bedroom, he got them back at the rate of 1 a week if we'd had a good week. How I laughed when the first plug he wanted back was his Playstation one! 😀

Psychological warfare is what it is.

jondoh- I agree that parents should in general present a united front, but in this situation where the other 2 are at each other's throats, a bit of mediation to regain some kind of peace first could help.

I honestly don't see how that would help – his wife will see mediation as just another way of undermining her.

Johndoh - thats not what mediation or family counselling is at all.

"his wife will see mediation as just another way of undermining her."

Agree.

Clearly in normal situation parents need to be 50-50 of a divided front and that will require a fair but of both joining in making issues of things one or other of them doesn't think need to be addressed.

Sounds like this situation is beyond that and one of them is causing a ton of needless friction. In that case the united front needs to be shifted to a reasonable and sane point and that requires the one who is seeking drama and confrontation to chillax a bit and help create a cheerful environment for everyone.

But what if both of them are perhaps guilty of unreasonable behaviour?
I don't see what's wrong with saying it out loud that the 2 of them aren't getting on, and how can we work things out to regain harmony at home? That's not taking sides or blaming one over the other.

Cougar: The whole knife and fork place-settings is arse-backwards anyway. You eat with your right hand if you're using a fork or spoon on its own, but swap hands if a knife is involved as well? What's up with that? I'm left-handed, I eat with my left regardless of what's in my right. You righties are odd.

Lol at this! I've always been left handed and had never registered that I don't switch hands like right handed peeps. 🙂

My Dad would sometimes erupt if my Mum and I were being petty with one another in a 'Jesus peeps...both of you' kind of tone - though not in those words, with certain justification when I think about it. It can sometimes seem like the less parents say the more they're listened to when I look back on my childhood, with short sharp interventions working better than background grumbling, like 'STOP' as hammyuk phrases it.

I think a bigger contrast between calmness and anger from parents can possibly have more effect...

"actions and consequences" goes for all involved.
Wifi access, device use and many more can be used regardless of "age" to make things go differently.

Also quite simply stopping the argument or comment as it happens works.
Simply "STOP" its not nice at first but it'll have the desired effect regardless f which side the grief is coming from.

How I laughed when the first plug he wanted back was his Playstation one!

Not the TV it's connected to, then? Awesome.

I've always been left handed and had never registered that I don't switch hands like right handed peeps.

It took me years to spot that's what they did, to be fair. Bizarre behaviour.

I wonder if part of it for me is being veggie. I'm not likely to have to start hacking at a tough steak, a table knife is very much a supporting role when I'm eating.

It took me years to spot that's what they did, to be fair. Bizarre behaviour.

I wonder if part of it for me is being veggie. I'm not likely to have to start hacking at a tough steak, a table knife is very much a supporting role when I'm eating.

It's not anything like what you might call a grievance - having had to adapt to a right handed world, but it is quite nice to feel like left handed is the most logical thing to be a for a change.

Having adapted I can write equally neatly with my right hand, and use scissors in either hand just as well, so having had to has possibly been of benefit in the long term - after realising I wasn't less capable than others, just not provided for adequately enough at school instead.

I use scissors right-handed cos they're designed that way; the twisting of the thumb forces the blades together, left-handed it forces them apart. I [i]can [/i]use them left-handed but I've consciously think about it to 'pull' with my thumb against instinct.

get left handed scissors?

"I don't see what's wrong with saying it out loud that the 2 of them aren't getting on, and how can we work things out to regain harmony at home? That's not taking sides or blaming one over the other."

I agree, I just don't think the OP's missus will see it that way.

"I use scissors right-handed cos they're designed that way; the twisting of the thumb forces the blades together, left-handed it forces them apart. I
can use them left-handed but I've consciously think about it to 'pull' with my thumb against instinct."

As a leftie I consciously think about the pull. Until this moment it has never, ever occurred to me that for a right handed person it's a push, and that might be easier. Every day's a school day.