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So, after 7 years of marriage, 14 years together, my wife left me last night.
I've never been the easiest person to live with. I've suffered pretty bad depression in the past and stupidly came off meds last year. We also went through a difficult spell a couple of years ago.
But, I was genuinely shocked when she left. It was clear the love had gone for her and I cleared out my stuff today. I'm now 31 and back living with my parents. I would take her back in a minute and realise how neglectful and selfish I've been with my time (surely a climbers/outdoor curse).
Add to that, I live in a small rural community and also work with some of her family members.
Not sure why I'm writing this other than to ask how do you get through? I've lost my best friend and make such an utter f*ck up of my life. Life just feels to hard.
I've been dumped enough times to know it hurts but it always gets better.
Summer is here , give yourself the freedom to do exactly what you want to do.
Make plans now , live life.
As a fellow hard to live with depressive, I would seriously suggest that you go and see your GP to see if he can give you any help to keep your head clear in the short-term, and start to move forward in the medium term.
Sorry it came to this for you though.
Sorry to hear that, and it may not help much as much as the decent advice above but at 31 you're still a young man with your best years ahead of you. I didn't even meet my wife till my mid thirties. Things will get better. Best of luck.
Sorry to hear that. Currently in the process of splitting up with the wife currently, though it's not the same timeframe, we've only been together 5 years and married 3. I've decided to take the opportunity to pack in work as it's doing my head in, but it does mean moving back to Manchester to move in with the parents for a bit (and I'm also 31). Not seen much of my family over the last couple of years though, and with one young nephew and another on the way it's a good opportunity. The wife has also managed to bag herself a teaching job in Spain, which she's wanted to do for a while. The initial utterly shit situation has, as a result, turned to one of mutual support and we're getting on much better than we have for some time.
For me, friends really helped. I've got a group of great mates who I've been able to spend time with recently despite us being all over the place, so I'd recommend that for coping. Hope things work out.
If you could tell her exactly what you've just told us, then maybe she'd reconsider and give it some time?
Really sad for you.
I think it's past that and ultimately she'll be relieved. It's trying to get your head round the fact the person you've spent just about every day since you were 18 will no longer be there.
make such an utter f*ck up of my life. Life just feels to hard.
This is the depression talking.
You haven't made a **** up of your life, and it does get easier. It [u]always[/u] does.
This may be a good opportunity to get your depression sorted. Get back in the meds, try some CBT if you haven't already, reach out and ask for help- helping people feels good, so give them a chance to help you! 🙂
Sorry to hear this gavmac
As morecash has suggested, given your recent history and stopping the meds not so long ago, think about seeing your GP - at least for some short term support
Work it through - massive changes aren't easy, especially when they're sudden & unexpected. You haven't ****ed up your whole life even if you're currently struggling; she clearly cared for you in the past and I'm guessing you've had good times together. Work on getting yourself ready to have that again, with her or whoever else is lucky enough to be with you at the time.
Good luck, and take care of yourself
Fellow depressive here too. First thing that means is you are not alone! I know I am sometimes difficult to live with and yes - sometimes I have let cycling take up too much time. What I do know is that despite that - if Mrs JAMJ left me, I wouldn't have ****ed up my life on my own or for ever. This means you haven't either. I know it doesn't feel like it and it's easy for me to say, but you can be happy again. At 31 you potentially have an awfully long time left to make the best of - when you are ready.
I would go and have a chat with your doctor if he is a good doctor in the subject of mental health and start there. If by any chance you find yourself in the West Mids in the near future and fancy a ride out with a slow and fat 41 year old drop me a line.
Look after yourself and keep posting here - we care!
Jay
Hi mate, look up divorcebusting, lots of helpful advice on there on how to approach your situation positively.
I can't help with the depression (I'm lucky, so far), but my wife left me after 13 years of marriage (I was 37). That came as a bolt from the blue, as I thought things were fine.
I ended up sleeping on friends sofas until I managed to sort out my own flat, that was a real turning point for me.
I ended up meeting someone else, and have been happily re-married for 6 years now, so there is hope
Fellow depressive too and a few months ago I found myself in a similar situation. My wife of 6 years left me (well she left me several times over a 8 week period) and I found myself being stopped by the cops from committing suicide by jumping in front of a train and spent 6 weeks in a mental health hospital as a result.
The only advice I have for you is that no matter how bleak it looks now it does get easier and better. Don't make the mistake I did and try and get through it alone or worse yet "man up" and bluff your way through it. Have a chat with your GP and get them onside. Consider accessing some form of counselling for yourself, it really can make a difference.
I too ended up living back with my parents in my thirties but the thing to remember is that it is only temporary. Reach out to family and friends to build that vital support network that you need now you've had this major life changing event. For me it was good knowing they were just there even if I didn't want to particularly talk about stuff,
31?
a) it may be reconcilable and,
b) there are many fine women in this world.
Don't give up hope.
14 years is a long time. It's going to be very hard for you, the pain is normal and completely predictable - but so is the recovery.
It hurts now but it will heal, in that way broken hearts are like broken bones. Try to accept that.
Keep away from the booze.
For now time will seem to be your enemy and dragging its feet. But it's in fact your friend. There will be light at the end of the tunnel, you'll see.
Gav bud! I've been there albeit not the marriage.
Yes it's tough and yes these things sure are trying.
It's far too easy to say look at the good things in life but it does take time as you'll know to improve even if in the slightest improvement.
I'm going through a tough time for several years now having had a motorcycle accident which left me devastated and admitted to a psychiatrict icu on new years day. 5 month stay no word of a lie!
Life has been giving me shit ever since and am dealing with a not very hopeful future.
Meds has kept me stable but has given no restraints to an addiction I'm suffering now which has been added to the bnf medical book.
I'm stuck in a major rut and can't see a way out and find myself digging a deeper hole.
I need a fresh start and to meet a lovely lady but they're hard to come by at our age!!
This is a temporary thing, nothing is permanent, this may sound flippant or nihilistic but it isn't.
This split had to happen to let you eke out new adventures where you become the new you.While it may feel hard a the moment (and it will definitely feel hard) It's worth it in the long run, Good luck.
I don't know you, but; I ask you, without judgement or presumption, please, go and talk to somebody that you trust (maybe even your GP or specialist) about your meds.
Coming off of antidepressants is a scary thing. It shouldn't be undertaken lightly or suddenly, nor without consultation, whatever your motives. Please talk to someone. Please? There is a way forward that can lead to you feeling more in control, without having to abandon your normative meds completely.
I'm not going to offer you any relationship advice. Having lost my life-long Best Friend to a self-elected sudden change of meds regime (and subsequent downward spiral into suicide), JUST SEEK SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP.
Three years down the line, you'll look back and laugh at the situation.
Also, what Atters and jamj1974 said. Sound words. Take it steady, bud.
Women hard to come by, by this age? As in the OPs age?
I'm only three years off and with each passing year I swear that if I was single, it would be like shooting fish in a barrel compared to when I was in my teens and early twenties. I went into a university the other month for a post-grad open day, the amount of smiles I got from random women - I felt like a freaking fox in a chicken coop. And I've got a receding hairline!
31 is a guys prime, make sure you live that narrow window between 28 and 36ish.
I appreciate the comments. I have lots of guys who I run, bike, climb with but it's that realisation that the one person who you want to tell things, chat with, send silly messages at work is longer there and there is nothing you can do. Going to the doc today, he's a good guy and a good listener.
I split with my wife recently. I'm 34, were together 7 years, married for 6.
Kind of on the other side - she was depressed and it was my choice to finish it.
Even then it's been horrible.
My piece of advice would be to be open and honest about how you feel with your friends, family and colleagues.
I wasn't for a while, trying to deal with it myself. Better off with it out in the open. You will find yourself constantly surprised how supportive and insightful people are. Don't subscribe to the stiff upper lip/British/men don't cry thing. It's not healthy.
Also, don't even start thinking about other women at the moment. You need to get your head straight and that will take months, a year even. It will happen and if you're in decent shape, have a job and some money and aren't a weird lech you will meet other great women. Women in their 30s are good to meet!
As the others said, make sure you're speaking to the GP and getting counselling. While I've not got direct experience of depression myself I've seen it for years in my ex and have some knowledge of what she's been going through and doing about it...
Going to the doc today, he's a good guy and a good listener.
Good.
Things will undoubtedly get better in the medium/long term. There are loads of us here who've been knocked down and rebuilt our lives. But you need to look after yourself here and now.
I think it's important not to interpret any negative feelings as being the depression you are suffering - obviously some aspects of them might be, but it's normal to feel down when you've got a reason like this.
Work through it, make sure you find time to do the things you love, try not to overdo drink or drugs in any attempt to forget (speaking from personal experience in dealing with these things it's worked better when I haven't overdone boozing). You can have a good life on your own, or with another partner.
Remember that whilst it is hard, it will one day be a step on the path to a contented future. This doesn't make it a good thing, but you haven't ****ed up your whole life, whatever your contribution to the break up.
I was 38 when I split from my wife, her idea. We had been together since I was 18. Terrible at the time, I really thought that was it for me, living back with parents, no future to look forward to. 10 years on & it's been the best thing that's ever happened to me, I went a bit wild for six months & then met my current partner & until then I didn't realise how fun life could be, I've never been happier.
If I'd read the above at the time of my split I'd have dismissed it & probably felt worse but & everyone one will roll out the cliché, it does get better, yes there will be dark days but overall you'll be ok.
Day by day is the best way to do this & rely on mates even if they are just in the internet.
Good luck
I think it's a common problem that people on meds for depression / mood swings etc get used to feeling ok, because of the meds, and then come off them. Mrs Spekkies old boss was a prime example. He took meds for anger management etc and she could always tell when he'd come off. Then it took 10 days for him to stabilize again.
Thankfully I've never had proper depression - I just get a bit fed up sometimes. Strength to those not as fortunate.
Good luck gavmac.
Another recent marriage break up here too, currently waiting on the decree nisi after nearly seven years or marriage and 11 years together. I'm divorcing her though, so my situation is a little different from yours.
Look, as hard as it seems now, it does get better. Seeing the GP will help and friends and family can help too. Hell, just getting out and about will stop a lot of the negative thoughts, but i agree that losing someone that you have been with for that length of time is going to seem tough right now.
If you both want to reconcile and get back together, be aware that change will be required on both sides, not just on yours or hers. Either way though, hang in there.
Bad news indeed. Where are you getting the best advice? On STW or UKC?
If you want to get over it you can.
About half the population are female, so next time pick someone that will get on with you better.
On the bright side you can now go and do all those things that were deemed selfish.
Going to the doc today, he's a good guy and a good listener.
Good +another.
Best of luck mate!
It does indeed get much, much better. I'm finding the bike riding helps clear my head and put things in perspective.
My current level of stress is over whether to have McDonalds for tea with my kids tonight, or wait till later and eat the portion of iDave Curry in the fridge (yes I'm still doing that).
This is the worst time and it will get better
Decide if it is recoverable or not and if not MOVE ON
IME its gets better but the first few months are a difficult time for everyone.
Some good advice on my black dog thread.
All I can say is talk, talk to whoever you can, friends and professionals.
31 is YOUNG and it will get better with time, I know it's a cliche but at 38 if there's one thing I've learnt it's that time is a healer and time can't be stopped. You still have the best years of your life ahead of you!
Not sure if this helps or not, but I didn't actually meet my now wife until I was 29, so I don't think at 31 the games all done?
Hope the Doctor helped?
Coming out of a long term relationship, I understand how you feel. My ex boyfriend was also suffering through depression and going through a lot of meds. He really couldn't function without it, cared more about his plants than more important priorities, and he clearly just didn't respect my needs. It was an ongoing struggle for 5 years, patiently waiting for him to change. I don't know how many fights and headaches I've experienced during that time, we ended up having more bad times than good, and in the end I realized it wasn't healthy at all. I felt obligated to stay with him because I felt bad, pity almost, because of his past. But I had to make a really hard decision to call things off and let things cool down. Maybe when we are better people we can make things work out.
From what I learned in all of this, is that a woman (or a man) cannot change anyone who is not willing to change. If you don't see the problem or aren't willing to change for the better, then a relationship definitely cannot work. As cliche as it sounds, you have to love and respect yourself first and fore most before you can love anyone else. You need to be stable in your life before thinking of being able to support another individual.
It's not the end of the world. It may seem hard now but think of it as a positive way to reinvent yourself. You had a very long relationship with her, and if she sees that you are doing anything and everything to win her back, I guarantee that she will give you another chance.
Lastly... all women want to be appreciated and a little spoiled by their significant other. Tell her she's beautiful, wash the dishes after she's cooked you a meal, buy her some food just because you thought of her that day... little things count, they all add up.
^^^ absolutely spot on
natwestling39
I think you probably sum up how my wife has felt.
Will your wife consider going to Relate ?
Yes condsider Relate - my wife left me in my early 30's.
Focus on sorting yourself out, as others have said talk to your GP & talk to your friends etc...
you have to love and respect yourself first and fore most before you can love anyone else. You need to be stable in your life before thinking of being able to support another individual.It's not the end of the world. It may seem hard now but think of it as a positive way to reinvent yourself.
I've been re-married for 12 years now, my head's much more sorted and things are good.
There is hope, sometimes you have to go through the sh-1-t to come up smelling of roses.
OP one further thought and I am bit cautious to post this given how you are feeling. However, i think I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't flag it.
Why have you moved out ? Married with no kids so why have [b]you[/b] moved out ? It's good for you to be around your parents to have some support but I would think very carefully about this issue, as someone who has gotten divorced the general advice from solicitors is that leaving the house is not helpful to your negotiating position come any divorce. Also as another tough lesson when I was going to counselling the councillor recommended I keep the receipts as they can be required in a divorce to show you made an effort. In the end they where not but it's sadly all part of the process.
When you're ready O.P. set new goals and move on.
Time will help and heal.
Don't sit around, get out, ride and get out socially.
^^^ rented house, nothing to be lost or gained by staying.
She's so clinical and cold about everything- no emotion. I don't want another woman, I just want her. It's like she doesn't care. Only messages I get from her are related to changing accounts and bills. Killing me.
Dude, your situation sounds very similar to mine. My divorce was just finalised this week.
At the time of the split last year my world caved in. A year later I'm with a fantastic girl and I'm happier than I've ever been. If you told me that a year ago I would've laughed in your face.
I don't know the exact ins and outs of your situation but the best advice I can give is give her space and time. If she's being cold and pragmatic then I would guess it's a defense mechanism. If you don't want to split then it's logical you won't want to give her space. You feel you need to "prove" yourself to her and convince her the relationship can work. I would say give her space. As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. She needs to miss you, and constant contact doesn't allow that. State your case, tell her you love her and want to be with her, then give her space. If it's meant to be then things will progress naturally and it'll sort itself out with effort from both of you. If it doesn't, then it's time to move on.
It's not easy. In fact it's an absolute horrific experience but regardless of what happens, you will be ok in time, either with her or without her.
Email in my profile if you need to talk.
Thanks. I think your right about space, it's just so hard.
gavmac - Member^^^ rented house, nothing to be lost or gained by staying.
She's so clinical and cold about everything- no emotion. I don't want another woman, I just want her. It's like she doesn't care. Only messages I get from her are related to changing accounts and bills. Killing me.
That doesn't mean she doesn't or indeed didn't ever care, it's just a way of dealing with things, keep it calm, simple and business like on the outside while she's probably hurting lots on the inside.
Hey, gavmac - how's things today ?
I would like to be positive. She doesn't want any contact and I need to be strong and stick to that- it won't help at the moment.
I've cried more in three days than the rest of my life. Life can be hard eh.
I genuinely believe there is something to save. Maybe I'm delusional.
It's really hard not having any contact but it is better for everyone including for you - even though it might not seem that way.
Denying her space will simply put more pressure on her and further antagonize her.
I know it sounds like forever but give her a couple of months after which both you and her will be considerably calmer.
If there is to be any useful dialogue she needs to see you as a calmer more rational person and less of a problem.
She will be more receptive in a couple of months than she is now, she might even contact you when things calm down.
But in the meantime try to get on with your life the best you can, don't put it on hold, even though it seems like an incredibly huge task.
sadly once its gone, its gone.
Move on. It can only get better - from the point you accept it.
gavmac - Member
I would like to be positive. She doesn't want any contact and I need to be strong and stick to that- it won't help at the moment.I've cried more in three days than the rest of my life. Life can be hard eh.
I genuinely believe there is something to save. Maybe I'm delusional.
Sorry to hear that your wife left you.
It's very hard but you are still young so go out and get another one coz there are still plenty of women about.
This time choose one and choose wisely.
Gavmac in your heart there is something to save, we can feel that. However she's not behaving in such a way to show she feels the same.
I hate to be insensitive (and its my divorce talking) so the house is only rented and therefore she's paying all the rent and all the bills ? She is playing it tough with contact only about bank accounts etc so those are the rules of the game.
I hear you guys. I'm no victim, I've been hellish to live with as a result of very difficult situation at work. I can understand why she left, I'm not angry at her but myself. I think Ernie gives the advice I need to hear. Bloody hard.
The tension eases after a while,you have been together so long that it is going to be rough,but as many others have said,time does heal. It is doing that time that is so bloody hard,fill it with others things that do not involve drink. Doesn't feel it just now,but at 31 you are still a pup.
How are you doing gavmac?
+1
Too early?...
All that time together and she wants no contact at all?
I'll hold my tongue.
Lastly... all [s]women[/s] partners want to be appreciated and a little spoiled by their significant other. Tell her she's beautiful, wash the dishes after she's cooked you a meal, buy her some food just because you thought of her that day... little things count, they all add up.
The appreciation goes both ways, lose that and the other half will stop trying. Stop doing the 'little things' which make a relationship special.
Not all men are emotionless robots who just want to get fed, tinker with stuff and get laid.
Not all men are emotionless robots who just want to get fed, tinker with stuff and get laid.
Most are though yeah ? Only the weird ones that are not ?
One person's weird is another person's normal I'm sure. 😀
Trying really hard not to get pulled up by the sexist police/moderators.
Not all men are emotionless robots who just want to get fed, tinker with stuff and get laid.
Most are though yeah ? Only the weird ones that are not ?
😆
Time for an update 🙂
So, said wife has still made no contact. Spent the first few weeks pretty devastated and then... i discovered a bit more information about the way she's been slandering me and behaving over a number of years. Needless to say, it's sped up the 'grieving' process!
It's funny how, if your very aware of your own faults and generally quite self critical, you can take more of the blame than due. Anyway, i'm saying very little and holding my counsel. People have a way of hanging themselves, so i'll let her continue.
Now a case of moving on. My over riding emotion at the moment is relief. Life is a funny old thing.
Good to hear. Now make the most of summer and enjoy yourself a bit!
Best wishes.
Glad to hear you're doing well (as can be)
... and don't start buying Phil Collins CD's...
Try Coldplay instead 😀
Even at my lowest point I didn't inflict Coldplay upon myself.
Time for an updateSo, said wife has still made no contact. Spent the first few weeks pretty devastated and then... i discovered a bit more information about the way she's been slandering me and behaving over a number of years. Needless to say, it's sped up the 'grieving' process!
It's funny how, if your very aware of your own faults and generally quite self critical, you can take more of the blame than due. Anyway, i'm saying very little and holding my counsel. People have a way of hanging themselves, so i'll let her continue.
Now a case of moving on. My over riding emotion at the moment is relief. Life is a funny old thing.
Glad you're feeling more positive.
One thing - try not to get into the minutae of the gossip and chit chat either now or historical. You can obsess over that sh1t and you'll find things that will make you fume and churn over in your head late at night. Some of what's been said/written might feel unjust to you, but none of it matters any more.
Standard internet bro advice for dealing with a marriage breakup:
1. Delete Facebook
2. Get lifting
3. Lawyer up
It's a bit silly and macho when written like that, but it's basically sound! So put another way:
1. Ignore gossip and don't torture yourself by caring about what she's doing or saying.
2. Concentrate on your own health and wellbeing.
3. Be ready to defend your interests in the divorce settlement.
Gavmac loved that statement made me laugh, good luck don't hit the booze try and keep a routine life will improve there are people on here gone or going through the same. Hang on in there it does get better, all the best.
Thanks, good advice and you're right about obsessing on gossip and chat. Trying to cut the supply.
1- I've not deleted Facebook (need for work and a few climbing contacts) but have unfriended her, along with her network. Not perfect but does stop constantly seeing updates.
2- Yep, really enjoying my running and climbing at the moment. I'm running better than ever, the lack of stress has helped.
3- Yep, no mug and thankful for no mortgage, kids etc. Joint accounts already sorted. So not feeling too stressed about that.
Well done. Nothing empties your head like climbing and riding, I find.
Thanks, good advice and you're right about obsessing on gossip and chat. Trying to cut the supply.1- I've not deleted Facebook (need for work and a few climbing contacts) but have unfriended her, along with her network. Not perfect but does stop constantly seeing updates.
2- Yep, really enjoying my running and climbing at the moment. I'm running better than ever, the lack of stress has helped.
3- Yep, no mug and thankful for no mortgage, kids etc. Joint accounts already sorted. So not feeling too stressed about that.
Well done that man.
Now go and get LAID 😀
I've nothing useful to add, but I'm glad to see your doing OK and have kept away from Coldplay. Here's a bit of late 90's American punk:
That' made my day 🙂
That all sounds good and positive.
Apart from the Coldplay. Nothing good ever came from listening to Coldplay.
🙂