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I keep seeing threads on here about people who are splitting up with partners and most seem to have children too.
And each time it seems to be the male that is at the receiving end (unless the males who do the cheating aren't posting I guess).
But I find it so sad that so many people seem to have been through this or are going through it. And I know my life would implode if it ever happened to me. 🙁
If your taking STW as a poll of life then your going to get a male dominated perspective.
People have and people will move along, at some points it better for people to move apart than live in unhappyness for the sake of appearances or in some mistaken belief that it's the right thing.
People change, life happens and some dont take long enough auditioning.
Not sure about it always being the male at the receiving end, but yes there is a lot of it about. I sometimes suspect it's just not natural to have one partner for the rest of your life. I know from my own experience that it rarely gets past about three years before I'm bored/she's had enough of me 🙄
Also just found out that one of my best mates' wife has been cheating on him for the last 18 months and of course he will be the last to know (if I said anything my wife would probably kill me to death then leave me).
People who don't split up don't start threads about their long term happy relationships.
Also I imagine there's a splitting up meme.
Sorry meme is a poor word to use, but I imagine forums have common topics based on prevalence of the topic.
So people are much more like to post about break-ups when they have seen other people post about breaks ups, and an increase in such posts doesn't indicate an increase in break-ups just an increase in confidence to talk about them.
People who don't split up don't start threads about their long term happy relationships.
I know, but there really does seem to be lots of it happening.
In the words of the wise wordsmith Blu Cantrell "you gots to breaks up, to makes up"
(only kiddin' 🙂 )
Because a lot of things can change as you go through life, and staying together involves a lot of hard compromises to juggle careers, families, hopes and dreams.
How many times have I had to choose between a new bike and a divorce? 🙄
Bloke I know slightly is married to a nightmarish individual, and understandably is not happy about it. So normally you'd say he should get divorced, be happy, and his happiness would be good for his children when he sees them at the weekend.
What do you do, though, when divorce means leaving your kids in the hands of someone who's certain to make a complete pig's arse of raising them right? Seems like an awful choice - dig in until the kid's are old enough to have some independence, and hope your misery is not contagious. Or do one, and hope two days a week or whatever it is will be enough to exert some influence.
Because they can.
People blame lifes problems on the thing that is closest to them - their partner. Therefore a logical conclusion is to remove the thing closest to them, thus solving the problem. The reality probably is that the thing closest to them isnt the source of the problems.
My friend did this, wasnt happy with life, dumped his gf, and still isnt happy!
I`ve been in this exact situation. Two kids, Mrs that wanted space and to not be answerable to anyone and [b]be independent[/b]. blah. blah blah.
I spent many years supporting the family financially, doing loads of housework etc, cooking, involved in children's development and more than my share in terms of school runs etc. Basically doing what any decent guy would and more but it seems that for a lot of women this isn't enough.
So we separated, her parents bought me out of the house where she still lives. (Must be nice to have parents that can buy you a house)
I have the kids 3 days a week, she has them 4. She gets all the child tax credit, child benefit and I pay her child maintenance each month.
Lets be honest - its not a bad deal really - why wouldn`t women want all this.
Supposed independence (Apart from parents buying the house, government handing out money and the father paying into her monthly wine bill too).
Life's sweet hey.
People who don't split up don't start threads about their long term happy relationships.[b]I know, but there really does seem to be lots of it happening.[/b]
Compared to what ?
And the woman I know that is cheating on her husband - she told my wife that her new bloke cheated on both his ex-wives, has had affairs with at least three colleagues (she is a colleague of his too) but told my wife that he told her 'she was different'. Yeah sure, so you are going to potentially ruin your marriage and upset your child you tried so hard for just for some serial cheat.
😕
Why do so many people split up?
I don't know, but am happy to add to your statistics.
🙁
because men are weak and women are sluts ?
For me (from what I've seen), for some couples its when they have multiple children. They stop being Sally and Bill but parents. Constantly weary*, tired*, stressed* and then they think they are unhappy with their lot.
Then Kirk in Sales at work in his nice car and compliments gets his hands on Sally and BANG. She now wants her 20's back again.
*During this phase Sally doesn't fancy having sex with Bill anymore.
(The names have been changed but I've seen this a few times from friends).
because men are weak and women are sluts ?
Have a word with yourself weeksy. 😐
kirk in sales up to his old tricks again?
People who don't split up don't start threads about their long term happy relationships.
Maybe we should?
I often think about starting threads after having a particularly lovely ride to work, with no incidents with drivers; or about a washing machine not breaking; or someone recovering from cancer.
Sadly, we tend to post about unusual events, with the result that we think they're happening loads.
Nature & genetics, there are 2 types of men - good genetic material, good nuturing material i.e. having your cake and eating it.
Some people like to have their cake and eat it.
Plus the loosening of societal control means divorce no longer has the social stigma.
In addition to what Moooly sez, like my Ex-:
child support + child maintenance + no mortgage = independent lifestyle without having to work 😈
Women aren't sluts, they like to have compliments, be taken out and attention. Just like men do. If the sex stops or drastically lessens at home (and its not a medication reason) then WHAT is going to happen next? The slide starts after childbirth IMO. Taking your partner for granted is the start of the end.
Countless night rides/weekend rides is just the start for us mountain bikers- so beware!
In the noughties+ we are OBSESSED with being GOOD parents yet we neglect ourselves thinking such people would be selfish.
People who don't split up don't start threads about their long term happy relationships.
22yrs here, met my girlfriend at 18yrs old.
What was it I said on that other thread?
[b]
Generalisation is shite.[/b]
Generalisation is shite.
People really ARENT that complex. We like to think we are complex creatures.
I reckon it's because of "settlers" and " the grass is always greener" mentality.
But I know nothing because I'm happy.
I thought this was quite interesting. People don't change, it's just the things you like about them eventually turn into the things you don't.
[img] 
[/img]
Because we're fed this lie about life long romantic bliss that we're all supposed to achieve, along with the fulfilling career and house and car and kids/cats.
It's crap and were shallow/ optimistic to believe it
That Kirk, he's a one, isn't he? 🙂
spoons list up there is a bit near the knuckle.....not showing that to MrsMC!
That Kirk, he's a one, isn't he?
Not you too, emsz? I'd have thought if anyone could resist his lothario charms it would be you 😥
Just admiring his handiwork, Mogrim. :). He's got all the moves...just like Jagger
I'm not going to get married again. I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and buy her a house. (Willie Nelson)
I think women just get fed up with their blokes spending all their time on STW.
[i]People really ARENT that complex. We like to think we are complex creatures.[/i]
Not one thing you've said in this thread applies to me. Maybe it's you that's not complex..?
Lets imagine it's 150 years ago...
No internet, phones, TV or photographs, with minimal printed media, reduced levels of literacy and basic transport meant it would've been far harder for the average person to find other partners and more importantly, the lack of media would mean there was less reasons to be dissatisfied with your life as there was less points of reference with the outside world for comparison. There would've also been far less technology diverting peoples attention away from their sweetheart.
Obviously, infidelity and the like have been going on since way back, however, the tools now available to us make it much easier to pursue and find other partners outside of a primary relationship, with a magnified sense of personal entitlement and additional pressures of envy and discontent when shown the glossy sugar coated lives of celebrities.
So in summary, I basically blame the Beckhams.
DezB so you are saying you don't have any sort of routine, seek normality, seek comfort in another, like stability and someone who makes you feel good with the odd compliment and treat?
Or are you someone who no one can seem to pin down; you don't have a type, your an enigma, totally different from anyone else in this world, you don't seem to hold shared interests and fascinate the opposite sex whenever you meet someone new in a social situation?
You post on a cycling forum [i]alot[/i] and you probably can identify with a large slice of STW'ers so sorry, I don't believe you.
hora - Member
...
In the noughties+ we are OBSESSED with being GOOD parents yet we neglect ourselves thinking such people would be selfish.
...
Quite agree, and its counter-productive.
Look at the number of "put the kids first" comments on the splitting up threads. I know the sentiment is well meant, but unless you look after yourself you can't look after your kids. Put your own well-being first and this will include having a good relationship with your kids and improving their lives. Be a parent first not a friend. Unless your child is impossibly angelic, if you haven't had a few "I hate you" and "I didn't ask to be born" comments from your kids then you may be being a bit "Oh come on Quentin be a good chap and let Granny out of the tumble drier".
Also I know several couples who are staying together for the sake of the kids - Great - so you can give them a model of a dysfunctional relationship in a miserable home.
Agree. Plus (for me) I think a part-dose of 70's parenting isn't a bad thing...
[i]DezB so you are saying you don't have any sort of routine, seek normality, seek comfort in another, like stability and someone who makes you feel good with the odd compliment and treat?[/i]
No, I'm saying I disagree with the generalisations you made on the previous page.
(Apart from this bit: [i]Countless night rides/weekend rides is just the start for us mountain bikers- so beware![/i] )
Why do so many people split up?
Because they can,there are laws enforced to ensure that one party always comes out better off.
There is the incomaptibality issue, people marry and have kids because its accepted and almost required of them, free thinkers just live together and take their chances, and hopefully talk to each other.
and from experience, some marriges are doomed from the start but go through because its seen as the right thing to do, and others that you sometimes think will fail are strong and loving, that how life and social expectations work.
On the Parenting note and committing too much to it forsaking yourself and relationship. Whatever happened to taking pride as a couple in raising wholesome, well mannered children that you're proud of and giving yourself to this pursuit.
How many kids are there out there that have parents that are too interested in their own happiness that the kids get neglected turn into little Sh*ts
I think that some people just want it all and aren't prepared to put others first, even their kids. Parenting if it happens is part of your life that you should cherish, not wonder why you cant go out every Friday night and get bladdered.
Dismounting High Horse!!!!!!!!!
Mooly I'll counter- You should foster independence, rules and respect.
JUST the basics/groundwork not attempt to micro-manage your children?
IF a child is going to go back, tbh they'll go bad. If you've done the basics/framework - simply shown them a positive role model surely everything else falls into place?
No, I'm saying I disagree with the generalisations you made on the previous page.
So what you're saying is that women are sluts?
Giggidy.
Well, I did kind of [url= http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/why-do-so-many-people-split-up#post-5857334 ]say that[/url].
I think it's because people are more like children than they have ever been. People often lack the emotional maturity to live a life with someone else because they never really grew up themselves. The number one cause of break ups seems to be that one party does something selfish and blames their shoddy behaviour on the other party. They then happily move on and never actually talk like an adult or accept responsibility for their actions.
I've seen lots of breakups recently and it's all down down to acting like a bad kid/teenager, wanting instant gratification or to be the centre of all things.
Hora- [i]You should foster independence, rules and respect.[/i]
I agree. But that does come from a single moment but through years of dedication, education, love and support.
JUST[i] the basics/groundwork not attempt to micro-manage your children?[/i]
Even after basics/groundworks have been done, simply neglecting and being left to develop themselves will leave kids more confused. Especially if parents are off doing their own thing when they need support, guidance and answers.
[i]joolsburger[/i][b] Very good point. Too much me me me. I want, I want, I want.
How old are your kids, Hora?
I've seen a few break ups among junior's classmates recently, I reckon the kids played a major role. There was a collective "we're going to give our parents death" in the class. We fought back. No phone, no computer access, doing nothing for him, being as odious to him as he was to us - to no avail, but the next steps were taking the Telecaster away and not taking him to ski races, he's been fine for a couple of months, not even talking down to us.
If either parent sides with the kids the couple is in trouble.
At the risk of adding petrol to an already largish fire...I'm with joolburger on this on...
Maybe people split up because we as humans are inherently selfish? We get to a point where we can't / don't want to consider the needs / desires of others before our own.
(pins colours to mast) I got married cause I really loved my better half despite her having loads of traits I didn't really like or agree with. ( I was perfect!) We have loads of arguments, however most of them boil down to 'I want my own way and I'm not willing to concede any ground regardless of whatever the issue is'.
Yes, I know that this will be viewed as being idealistic and an 'out of date' belief but I honestly believe it we sometimes considered others and not just ourselves we'd have way less disputes.
(Quickly puts a bullet proof vest on and crawls under the desk...)
[b]rosscopeco[/b] - Your right. People aren`t prepared to put others before themselves, partners or kids. Simples.
My names Kirk and I work in Sales......
I've seen many relationships break up because people are in love with being in love and [b]not[/b] in love with their partners.
People meet, their partner gets put on a pedestal and then eventually they realise they fart, pick their nose, are a bit thick and so on. Then it's "Chuck him, get another" and the cycle starts all over again.
Happened with my sister many many moons ago when she got married one week after her eighteenth birthday and started divorce proceedings nine months later.
As for kids I get the feeling they rarely get to be kids any more as they do nothing apart from being shuttled from one sport/dance class/etc. to another.
All the girls that I "knew" from my formative years are all divorced, apart from the one I married.
Guess it's just easier and more socially acceptable these days.
Too many selfish people about nowadays, there are a lot of people who see their kids as an inconvenience, can't wait to get rid of them for a night out on the lash.
The same bloody folk who are always having a crisis, up to their eyeballs in dept, then in the next breath telling you about the new telly, phone or car their getting.
As the author of one of those threads, I feel like we have been given a second chance. Whatever situation you are in...if you want to be in it, then keep it fresh. We both got complacent, but a few days apart has cemented what (for me at least) is the real thing.
If after 15 years I can still adore my wife, that's a great thing in my opinion.
I have said to anyone that will listen, don't take anyone (mates, family, partners) for granted.
Men and Women were meant to get together , have kids in their twenties and die in their thirties , they were never intended to live to be 100 and be together for 80 years .
If either parent sides with the kids the couple is in trouble.
Got to say amen to that one
Twinw4ll so your saying we should stay in until the child(ren) move out?
A nights R&R for a couple from the front can do wonders for a relationship IMO
If you've done the basics/framework - simply shown them a positive role model surely everything else falls into place?
At the age they want a toy car for their birthday maybe. When their peer group becomes the role model it gets a little harder. Sadexpunk to the forum please.
Same reason there are so many "wood burning stoves" threads.
A nights R&R for a couple from the front can do wonders for a relationship IMO
These are wise words. It's incredibly easy to put your relationship on hold because of the children, your work, your individual pastimes and general tiredness etc. people forget that a lot of what they have has stemmed from the relationship and if that bit isn't nurtured then it can morph into something that can appear insurmountable to one or both of you.
It's not about being selfish, it's about giving the thing that made it all happen some time, effort and focus. That's not selfish, it's essential.
Some people seem to have a rather smug attitude towards their own relationships and kids. I suspect they are either rather early in their own journeys or whistling in the dark hoping it does happen to them.
It can and often will. Some attention to where you are currently may help. But not always.
There have always been bad relationships and marriages and affairs. The divorce rate in many places is actually going down. But if people are less willing to piss their one life away whilst showing their kids how bad it can be... That's good... Right?
Sort of O/T - what is really starting to annoy me is the proliferation of dating ads on tv etc. Of course they are just competing for the business (a growing market) but is it all starting to create a 'its alright to swap/change partners multiple times'?
I really don't believe that all parents in the 70's etc were miserable with each other etc. Like making debt socially acceptable and gambling (also on ads) more and more accessible what are we doing to out society?
Consumerism gone mad in our person love lives too?
I'm starting to sound like a prude but I once watched a episode of Sex in the City when one of the characters was banged on the bonnet of a car then went into a bar and pulled the barman (etc). I turned to the missus and said 'do you actually watch this crap'?! (its not for real honey).
Back to my point- dating made easy (you don't have to stay with the wrong person/you CAN find that one for you). Yes- people can find the right person 🙂 but what about a growing trend? People seeing relationships as temporary and easily disposable more and more to a greater degree in their 30/40's?
Once upon a time it was the was attention seeking, pisshead-females I knew who couldn't hold a boyfriend down. One day, will that be the majority?
Oh and on the night away from the child(ren)- I reserve the right to jet off for a weekend in Barcelona (etc) whilst my sister in law (lovingly) has a great weekend with my son.
Whats selfish about that?
These are wise words. It's incredibly easy to put your relationship on hold because of the children, your work, your individual pastimes and general tiredness etc. people forget that a lot of what they have has stemmed from the relationship and if that bit isn't nurtured then it can morph into something that can appear insurmountable to one or both of you.It's not about being selfish, it's about giving the thing that made it all happen some time, effort and focus. That's not selfish, it's essential
What happens then though is that the bloke books it all, pays for the hotel, the expensive meal, the beer/wine, then the wife tells him it's the time of the month and the best he's getting is to watch match of the day while she falls asleep at 10.30pm as she's tired.... Bloke then gets even MORE frustrated and has spent £200 he could have spent on bike parts..
Far easier to spend £200 on bike parts, remove the wife from the equation with internet porn and just be happy you have a nice bike 🙂
Riding your bike is like eating and sleeping. Its the basics and should be done regularly.
Family and relationships are the icing on the cake and should be indulged and enjoyed.
Time you taught your partner some new tricks, Weeksy.
I wonder how much of it is down to the modern obsession with vanity and youth. Most folks I know who split up were in their 30's and it smacks of the whole losing the youth and good looks thing. That, allied to the fact that people are getting more and more selfish, and there isn't much of a stigma to separation/divorce now either.
Totally with hora and yossarian on this..
I think that we can add here maybe that society has made us see relationships as disposable..
Having separated at Christmas, I think both my ex and I would wholeheartedly concur that we did not make enough time for the relationship.. Young kids and work pressures got in the way, bickering was a symptom and eventually became the norm..
We knew what needed to change and kept promising to prioritise our relationship, but we could always find excuses to put our last drops of energy into the wrong place..then when you're running on empty it's just too easy to flop down in front of the box, or hit fb or stw to zone out and rest your brain..
when crunch time came, and I moved my stuff out, I hoped that the finality of the situation would be the wake up call we needed, the end of the beginning rather than just the end..
Mrs yunki however, being 29 years old (anyone remember turning 30? Prime of your life, ultimate confidence, devil may care attitude and a second flush of youthful vigour) and ten years my junior, saw an opportunity for a big new adventure and was more than happy to grab that opportunity with both hands, cackling with glee
So now I'm still an exhausted depressed house husband, but my gaff is smaller, easier to keep clean, I get two days off per week and the only simmering undercurrent of despair is my own
This wont apply to anyone or everyone, just me but I sometimes think I'm the Author of my own demise. I've noticed that I've let myself slip (MrsH commented 'you don't wear your nice shirts anymore'), I started wearing tshirts more and more. Almost like a tired 18yr old.
So - I was thinking, theres me no longer making an effort. I wonder if I asked my mates what I could improve upon/how shit a mate am I? I'd get a fair few criticisms.
With that in mind, if you are with me every day- more than anyone else- you too see all this but magnified.
So - I'm going to ditch the tshirts and sloppy aspects of myself. Make an effort again.
(just musing out loud).
I blame [s]thatcher[/s] hollyoaks
hora - Member
This wont apply to anyone or everyone, just me but I sometimes think I'm the Author of my own demise. I've noticed that I've let myself slip (MrsH commented 'you don't wear your nice shirts anymore'), I started wearing tshirts more and more. Almost like a tired 18yr old.So - I was thinking, theres me no longer making an effort. I wonder if I asked my mates what I could improve upon/how shit a mate am I? I'd get a fair few criticisms.
With that in mind, if you are with me every day- more than anyone else- you too see all this but magnified.
So - I'm going to ditch the tshirts and sloppy aspects of myself. Make an effort again.
(just musing out loud).
That sir is a very good point...
I often get home, throw a pair of shorts on and a sweatshirt....
People are optimistic, for the most part. So they overlook the inherent in any situation and focus on what they think they CAN achieve. So when faced with a partner they think it'll be great.
Lets imagine it's 150 years ago...
150 years ago I think the attitude towards marriage was different. Then people would get together, have some sex maybe, and then if they got bored of each other they'd just leave each other alone. He'd go to work and make some money and go to the pub after, she'd work in the house, look after 8 kids and natter to her mates who're all in the same village/town/street anyway.
I once watched a episode of Sex in the City when...
The characters in that show are not supposed to be real women. They represent aspects of the female condition, the (fanciful) idea being that all women are made up varying amounts of those four types - intellectualism, libido, ambition and domesticity.
150yrs ago?
Why does each generation have a 'they never did it' attitude about previous generations and only in the 60's did people have sex/take drugs? 😀
Our parents did it like the clappers. Some couples upto their 70's still do it regularly health permitting!
The Village bike has been around for centuries.
I stayed in a 15th century Inn in Warwick. The owner told me that Henry VIII used to go there as the girls in the area were known to be up for it/loose with anyone.
Our parents did it like the clappers.
Saw a documentary about this a while ago. Some people in the 30s/40s were going at it, but many weren't. There was really no sex education either formally or otherwise and no-one talked about it properly, so a lot of people had no idea how to have good sex and many never figured it out.
Completely innocent people called Kirk and working in Sales are going to be dragged into Car parks and publicly lynched by angry mobs today. If I was a Kirk I'd be keeping me head down for 48hrs.
Hora - I'm with your musings...
Still making an effort when the instinctive response to just slob is very important. I've only recently started working from home after 20+ years of being suited and booted every day. Personally speaking the novelty / temptation to just pull on a pair of shorts / T wasn't helpful. Incidentally 'm not saying I put on a suit for working at home but I do 'generally' make the effort to put some smart(ish) stuff on.
The whole consumerism thing is also an interesting slant. We are constantly bombarded with images of 'this is what you/your partner should look/behave like'. Eventually, this 'standard' becomes our standard of what beauty is. I make every effort to strive towards ensuring that my standard of beauty is Mrs Rossco. Not always possible (I'm male & human) but if I go about with the attitude that there 'may' be something better out there then I'm always going to be looking for it. (N+1!!)
If I was a Kirk I'd be keeping me head down for 48hrs.
Kirk will be fine - it's always the one in the red shirt who gets killed.
I'm in my 50's and none of my friends have happy marriages. Once you've done the bringing up kids thing and they've left home, life takes on a different hue.
It used to be that the over 50's had the highest divorce rate, I reckon that's changed somewhat due to people not being able to afford to get divorced.
My life has changed dramatically and am happy being on my own and always will be. Love having my own space and cluttering it up with bikes!
I do however feel that people often don't try hard enough to make a relationship work, kids do create a huge strain on sanity and finances and perhaps folk just can't hack that.
hora has made a good point about not making any effort with clothes, I reckon we should all take that on board.
Of course the grass is always greener but people should have realistic expectations with their eyes fully open.
My ramblings, if you can make sense of them. 🙂