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All I can say is good luck, having spent 22 years with a similar individual we seperated/ divorced about two year's ago. I've two grown up kids, one of whom lives away and a 19 year old who stayed with me from the get go as 'it was handy for work' 😏 we also have a 12 year old who had originally stayed with her mum, and we had a 50/50 ish care arrangement. Whilst the arrangements generally ran smoothly, the 12 year old was always grilled upon return home about every aspect of her time with me, from what she ate, did, the clothes she has worn down to any possibility that I might be seeing someone else (who has dad seen, spoke to on the phone, was I messaging a lot. The hilarious thing is I decided we should separate as she was having another affair, and is still with the latest one. I would always get a slew of texts and calls following any time with me, expressing concerns on what we had eaten and done etc etc. Again the odd thing is she has always been totally without boundaries to what the kids can eat and do, money no concern as this is her way or being popular.
Equally when we separated, she advised the kids it was all my decision and made a further rake of promises about how it's the kids first etc etc. The eldest two are reluctantly wise to this game, which in itself is a shame and something I do hold myself as responsible for as I allowed this charade for years.
But more recently after maxing out all her cards etc she made the decision to move in with new fella who has two young kids of his own part of the time. Luckily when we separated we put all our capital assets in trust for the kids, so neither of can use these. The decision to move triggered our 12 year old to state her wish to live with me as she didn't want a new set of younger brother's. The ex was pretty cornered by this as neither afford to stay by herself and the promises she had made about the kids wishes coming first. Equally, little un has some autism and she would have had to move school authorities which would have been to her detriment.
I am made up to have her with me, it was a total result. And me, her and the middle one tick on in a rather lovely rhythm which seems to suit us all. But the ex has intensified all her behaviours, an example being she contacted the school as she was concerned the youngest was 'starving' when she came to her. Essentially, me and the youngest have agreed she will have a piece of fruit a day in her pack up, something the ex considered irrelevant as my youngest 'doesn't like fruit'. We are steadily working away through most fruits with varying success, but we pick them together shopping and her pack up probably still has a higher calorific content than mine. And this is just one example, and you can imagine the hassles that come sorting such things.
I can only echo the other posts to not be a dick. I don't recall ever putting their mum down to any off them and even when they raise the subject I just tend to listen and promote what outcomes they want. Similarly, I don't involve friends or family, I severed most of my social media contacts with mutual friends etc as it jt ensured I would never be seen 'defending' myself or slagging her off. I just only care what the kids and my nearest family and friends think or feel.
It's not easy, and I'm sure you will find your own coping strategies. All the best.
Been going through similar DrP (and many others it seems).
Lots of good advice, all I'd add is to protect yourself - communicate in written forms, avoid phone calls. Be careful and try and ensure witnesses are there for handovers etc, public place or maybe leave a dashcam running.
If she gets wind of the power of a domestic violence accusation it can make it extremely difficult. Mine is doing this and it's grim. I feel sorry for all the people who genuinely live in those horrendous situations, but to drag children into a fabricated tale of it is terrible. Sadly it seems all too common and that there is little that can be done to stop it.
It sounds like you're doing the right thing. But it does get to you after a while. I find I can let it all go to an extent but occasionally it builds up to a point where I need to vent it all. Luckily I've got close friends and family who are great, but it seems here is good too.
We live in hope that our children will emerge from this unscathed enough to be able to make their own decisions and have happy, healthy relationships in the future.
Good luck
Theboatman and DrP sound lovely, I'd marry either. If I went that way.. and wasn't already married. you know.
Thank you for the kind words peeps...
Quick update:
SO i had the kids the last few days, and when they came home yesterday the Xmas cards they had designed and I'd ordered a few pack of, one for me, one for their mum, also came home.
Yes, there was a part of me that wanted to be "F you.." and bin her packs... but that's not me, so after dropping teh kids at school, I popped the packs i'd ordered on her doorstep and carried on to work. Like you say; be the better man..
I received a message a few min ago suggesting that we carry on with the original plan of me having the kids this weekend, and that at no point had she suggested a change.
I'm happy; have chosen NOT to persue the fact she'd been asking on FB for help, and whether she's changed her mind (possibly cos of the cards..) or that no one could help her, it's all good in the end....
Live and love people xxx
DrP
Why do people feel the need to share what is an extremely personal situation with all and sundry on a bike forum …
Oh dear, how STW has changed..... Tyres and e-bikes are in the bike forum.
I'm a 22 year old asd(and autistic..) this is good to hear people do understand change and instability is VERY damaging..
And a piece of advice keep doing what your doing..but if shes on meds(ritalin,concerta.) they WILL increase her appetite making her seem constantly hungry..
On the food side..try the fruit flavoured thing then something similar in texture/taste if shes struggling from the get go..also build a positive relationship with food..like 'could you TRY this' not you MUST eat this..bit sounds like shes doing good with it..
well I'm pleased that worked out ok. occasionally doing the "Right" thing works.
I suppose that I could add that the whole scenario is probably going to repeat itself too, in that you hear of something, it all blows up and then mysteriously fades away, leaving you wondering what the hell just happened.
Or it was quite often like that for me - still is I guess, if I'm honest.
have a good weekend!
Steve.
A friend of mine bought me "Becoming The Narcissist's Nightmare" by Shahid a Arabi after I introduced her to a new friend (with benefits, I wasn't pretty enough for gf "but alright in the dark")
It helped me to understand that I was not the problem and how to manage their behaviour. He's moved on to another victim (she's young enough to be a trophy and naive enough to be manipulated) and I've been left with PTSD but I'm slowly untangling the damage they caused and can weather the digs they still take at me.
@DrP I'm glad to hear that you've managed to resolve this situation, kindness always disarms the narcissist as they can't paint themselves as the victim and get the attention they desire. Well done and keep strong, your actions are admirable
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Becoming-Narcissists-Nightmare-Narcissist-Supplying-ebook/dp/B01B01O3PA
Could be a useful read for a few of us here by the sounds of it! Book club anyone!?
It could be a secret santa present.
deffo a book club...
This is a book i've been reading (and actually passed on to my new partner!)..
I found it, as well as the 'surviving narcissist' youtube videos really helpful.
I literally had to 'learn a new language' when communicating..
DrP
Lol @DrP, I was just rereading "The Narcissist Translator" and dictionary bit. I think that's the bit I opened it at and realised I was a fool for being taken in by their manipulation
DrP... so glad this has been resolved, I remember your initial post when you were first splitting up, how you were being so reasonable in the hope that it would make things easier in the long run. I felt like warning you not to be too nice with her after making the same mistake myself, your ex is now behaving exactly as mine did/does! I actually felt really guilty for not commenting on that post when I read this.....sorry
Firstly, I am delighted at the humanity in the responses and the personal accounts of people who've split with partners and who've gone on to have excellent relationships with their kids and even the ex-partners themselves.
It helped me to understand that I was not the problem and how to manage their behaviour
Narcissists have a way of making everything about you. I once found myself in a relationship with narcissistic tendencies -I've numerous examples of things that were "off" if that makes sense, but the one that stands out is that I recall suggesting that we both seek counselling to help us through the rough patch and was told "excellent idea. As everything is clearly your fault, go and get help and then we can fix this". At that point I was incredulous, the penny dropped that whatever happened next would never "fix" any of it.
Current MrsPJM is a wonderful human being, absolutely amazing in every respect. However, my MiL is also a narcissist who has attempted to split us up several times and has tried to turn family members against us. Narcissists can't cope when they realise that they're not the centre of your universe, they're usually angry for reasons that aren't about you and can turn very nasty once they realise that they're not the centre of your universe. Things can get worse before they get better, but it's well worth remembering that none of that is your fault or your responsibility to address.
Sorry if that's rambling, but narcissistic behaviour from a parent or grandparent for that matter can be incredibly destructive in terms of collateral damage. Learning to deal with this type of personality disorder in a non-confrontational way will change the dynamic of things for the better.
Narcissists can’t cope when they realise that they’re not the centre of your universe, they’re usually angry for reasons that aren’t about you and can turn very nasty once they realise that they’re not the centre of your universe. Things can get worse before they get better, but it’s well worth remembering that none of that is your fault or your responsibility to address.
And i see this is the crux... the trigger if you will...
Hands up who has, or still is, called "disrespectful" all the f'ing time...
"you show me no respect"
"you're so disrespectful for not [insert thing they want you to do, reasonable or not]"... !
It's so funny... it's like it's THE 'word of the narcissist'... I get it all the time!
DrP
"Try being respectable, you harridan!"
The trigger for my friendship's demise was when I started to stand up for myself and confronted their behaviour, that's when they got really nasty... But still wanted to come round to get pissed every week or so after they'd been to the pub
DrP - They do seem to latch on to certain insults/name-calling as a defence and to try and deflect things back to you when you don't do exactly what they say. After a while it becomes very predictable, which sort of helps with dealing with it. Pointless trying to discuss or rationalise it though.
Faerie - that sums it up, you reach a point where you know you can't just play along and need to stand up to it. For me it was when she started preventing me from taking our children to see my family, big family occasions sometimes (but of course we went to hers). I started trying to be stronger and say that we needed to go etc but all it did was give her reason to accuse me of being abusive. Now I know it's just another weapon in the narcissists armoury. Once you stand up to them they can't take it anymore - what gives us the right to question them? It spiralled downhill from there. Everyday I ask myself the 'what ifs' but I just can't see that a change could ever have happened. It still continues by email but at least I don't have to go home to it.
Why do people feel the need to share what is an extremely personal situation with all and sundry on a bike forum …
Well, I’ve been on this chat side of the Singletrackworld magazine forum for sixteen years, and such topics have been common on the chat forum for as long as I’ve been here - I’m surprised it’s taken you all this time to notice...
Ok ...I've been quoted three times now and was prepared to let it lie ..In answer to your question QZ ..of course I've noticed ..I just don't take things at face value ( there is another side to the OP's story that we are never going to hear ..that of of the ex missus).
This is in fact a rehash of the story he told when splitting up from his missus..what a wonderful person he is and what a hateful and spiteful person his missus is ...
I would probably like to hear her side of the story before making my own mind up ..
I'm probably a little bit " old school" when it comes to this sort of thing..and instead of bleating on like a little schoolgirl about how badly done to he is on a public forum ..he should just grow a set and resolve things with his ex on a one to one basis ..he is after all slagging her off behind her back knowing that its unlikely she will ever see his comments ..
If that's the sort of response you wanted ..more than happy to oblige ...
Swoon; what a man’s man you are hodgynd. I bet you have your own theme music!
Doc; best revenge is to live well. Put the kids first and get on with life. I could tell you it gets better, but as my son gets older and more independent her ability to fling poo is eroding and so it doesn’t...And bide off the revenge social media,to paraphrase “ she will drag you down to her level and beat you with experience.”
Oh ..here we go the first of the Dr.P fan boys to respond ..before there are anymore could I please refer you to the title of the thread and point out that while it may not agree with yours I'm assuming it's ok to have a different opinion ?
Hmmm...theme music ..hadn't given that much thought ..😂👍
Hodgynd, it's fine to have a different opinion but be prepared to be challenged on them, especially when they are toxic. There are several threads on the chat forum which discuss mental health and the benefits of opening up and talking about problems and how dismissing people as "bleating" and "schoolgirls" is known to be toxic. It's not a great platform but it does give people a space to ask advice, or vent, with anonymity, impartiality and without repercussions in their relationships. We're not the judge or the jury, just everyday people trying to get along and make connections
Hodgynd, I can only imagine you've had the luck of passing through life having no interaction with a genuine narcissist. From personal experience, 'manning up' and getting on with it doesn't work. They feel that you are challenging them which results in an escalation of very negative behaviour.
There is no reasoning with them, it's a one sided thing, you try and do the right thing but that doesn't match the story they have of events. Their side can be completely fabricated in order to blame you for the breakdown - they couldn't possibly be part of the cause of it. There are certainly 2 sides to every argument, both sides play a role but in the case of a narcissist it's their lack of empathy, reason, understanding and 'give and take' that prevents any resolution to even the smallest of disagreements and forgiveness after the event.
I think I started out with your view of this but it's hard to maintain when the only option to live with someone like that is to do everything they say, when they say, abandon all personal views, feelings and opinions. In the end you've got to find a way out of what is a really tough situation. Sounds like DrP has done this. Staying in a relationship like that only tells your children that this is an acceptable way to treat people and runs the risk that they grow up replicating this scenario with their partners.
Have a great weekend DrP
Hodgynd... I get where you're coming from, I really do... "Why's this numpty sharing all this personal stuff with strangers on the Internet..".
I guess because it's useful to talk. Men are terrible at it. I've been terrible at it... I've been trapped in a situation where I've let TERRIBLE things happen to me.. I became depressed, mentally anguished, and genuinely lost who I was.
Speaking to friends has been helpful.
Speaking to a counselor was literally a lifesaver.
And just 'soundboarding' with strangers (i. E HERE) is also very useful.
I may be Complete ****, I may be an abusive partner. I may be completely blind to my awful faults.. Of course I may...
But... Even IF that is the case, comments like "just be the best you can be".. "don't lower yourself" etc have HELPED..
I don't know if I WOULD have binned the bloody friends cards and sat there grinning at how 'powerful' I was... But.. The "voices of singletrack" (album out in the new year) rang in my head and helped me do the right thing.
And the outcome was good.
And I felt good.
Even with all the terribleness around me..
So regardless of if I'm the worst husband and parent in the world.... I've come away from HERE better. Which can only be good eh..
Also, to me, STW is just the "dadsnet" or "gingerbread" or "samaritans hotline" or "Church" or "mind" or "insert useful mental resource here" that we KNOW helps.
It's just talking innit....
DrP
DrP..
Thanks for the reply.
As stated from the outset I don't think something this personal belongs on a public forum ..but I'm glad that you have had professional help and that you are moving on with your life...
Having been through two fairly acrimonious break-ups myself it would be the furthest thing from my mind to make the details public knowledge..
What struck me as a little hypocritical was you entitled the thread " Why do people have to be so horrible ..."..and then proceeded with a personal attack on your ex ..
It's probably unlikely that she will ever read those comments ..but I cant imagine it would stand you in good stead with your ongoing relationship if she ever did ..
Anyway..good luck with your new lady..everyone deserves to be happy ( including your ex ) .
Oh ..here we go the first of the Dr.P fan boys to respond ..before there are anymore could I please refer you to the title of the thread
You'd do well to ponder the title of the thread yourself - and if you really want to stick to your guns, why not pop over to Mumsnet and set all the mums straight about how they shouldn't share personal things online too?
(Still waiting for my DrP fan club membership to arrive, hope there's a badge and magazine).
Well I would sunshine ..but this is the closest thing I get to an online presence..I will leave that sort of thing to the likes of yourself ..you seem to know a good deal about it ..
That's a marvelous, considered and balanced response there DrP.
... would be the furthest thing from my mind to make the details public knowledge..
Me too hodgynd, but I'm the sort of idiot who'd try and man up through it and loose out on the genuinely meant help that people offer on here, likely to my detriment.
That's my opinion and I'm not going to get drawn into a slanging match.
Well I would sunshine ..but this is the closest thing I get to an online presence..I will leave that sort of thing to the likes of yourself ..you seem to know a good deal about it ..
Ever thought about not having any online presence at all?
hodgy - some pretty dumb comments; when in a hole.....
feel good thread of the yea...... oh hang on. No, as you were.
(Still waiting for my DrP fan club membership to arrive, hope there’s a badge and magazine).
You get a stick-on beard and a natty waistcoat.
You also get a blue P next to your username.
I’m probably a little bit ” old school”
and
Having been through two fairly acrimonious break-ups myself
Ah. Cause and effect.
Good work DrP, rising above it has paid off.
Until fairly recently I thought narcissists were just people who were vain, but I have had my eyes opened recently.
I was with you for a bit @hodgynd - a reasonable question to ask. However, as DrP pointed out in his open response is that [* sweeping generalisation alert *] men are generally not very good at being open to others about the really deep things. The things that touch our hearts and souls. Sometimes it's quite probably because we don't even know what's going on in there. To be able to talk about these things, even if it is to a bunch of strangers, can be both therapeutic and cathartic. There have been plenty of topics over the years on here that one does wonder what the point of it was, but there have also been a significant number where peopel in real need / seemingly hopeless situations have found support, conmfort, a chance to see things with a different perspective and generally been affected positively. Forum members have been able to set aside their Singletrack "personaility" and show genuine warmth, support, solidarity, encouragement and other life affirming attributes. We are all different and work in different ways, If someone feels that this is a safe enough place for them to seek some sort of support that they might not oherwise be able to find in their friends is that really such a bad thing? I don't think so.
"Hands up who has, or still is, called “disrespectful” all the f’ing time…"
ME,ME,Me!
If I offer an opinion that is contrary to that of my missus' I am also "very rude". pah.
Dr P fanclub you say? I'm all for the hairy lapel badge. (Like the Gnasher one).
🙂
That’s a marvelous, considered and balanced response there DrP.
I generally have a good instinct for people before I start thinking too much - in the 5 mins I've met DrP outside of the forum I go the sense he's a kind and balanced individual.
I do understand Hodgy's perspective - if he doesn't want to put personal stuff on STW then thats fine, but Hodgy not everyone feels like that, and obviously it helps DrP.
Well done DrP, you’re dealing with it way better than I would be.
Well I would sunshine ..but this is the closest thing I get to an online presence
And it’s the (mostly) supporting nature of the forumites online presence that makes this place so amazing. Different sides to the story, rights and wrongs, if someone needs help or support then someone needs help and support.
PLUR ❤️
And i see this is the crux… the trigger if you will…
Hands up who has, or still is, called “disrespectful” all the f’ing time…
“you show me no respect”
“you’re so disrespectful for not [insert thing they want you to do, reasonable or not]”… !It’s so funny… it’s like it’s THE ‘word of the narcissist’… I get it all the time!
DrP
scarily familiar...
This is in fact a rehash of the story he told when splitting up from his missus..what a wonderful person he is and what a hateful and spiteful person his missus is …
Hodgynd, I can only imagine you’ve had the luck of passing through life having no interaction with a genuine narcissist.
I think it's probably a case that some of us just fall for this far easier than others and to some extent that is probably biased towards people who basically just try and be a "nice guy".
I think neilc1881's post on the previous page needs more love.
It's very easy to stand outside throwing stones when you've never experienced anything like this first-hand, it's akin to telling someone suffering from depression to "cheer up a bit."
I always thought myself to be a pretty strong character, not one to be "told what to do" by a woman (or indeed, anyone), never thought I'd be in a relationship which would slowly sap any sense of self I had. But the thing is, people like this, they've had a a lifetime of practice at this and they're so very good at it.
I was once in what I recognise now to be an abusive relationship. Victim mentality, everything perceived to be wrong in her life was someone else's fault. Ex-boyfriends, parents, you name it. She's married now, and there's little doubt in my mind that he'll have been told at great length about what a shit I was. We had lots of blazing rows about absolutely nothing, and if it was something I'd been upset or pissed off about then I'd be the one winding up apologising.
She lived ~250 miles away. We'd see each other every other weekend - the off-weekends I'd get berated for not seeing her - and it'd always be me making the journey as it was "too expensive" for her to make the journey in her big daft car. It got to a point where I was leaving work on Friday (home was an hour in the opposite direction), driving down from there, then leaving to go back to work at Silly O'Clock on Monday morning. I'd spend half the weekend cleaning up the shit-tip of her house only for it to be a bomb site again two weeks later. This, apparently, was all her housemate's fault. Funny how when said housemate moved out their new place was immaculate and hers if anything got worse.
One time I was due to go down, I'd been off work all week with stinking flu. Told her I couldn't, so the conclusion she drew was that I was having an affair. After a blazing row I got in the car, got about an hour from home and had to make an emergency pitstop in the services to be violently sick everywhere. I realised, this is bloody stupid and I'm not fit to be driving. Did a U-turn at the next motorway junction, stopped again at the same services Northbound to desecrate that side too, limped home and went to bed. I didn't hear the last of that for weeks.
I could go on, this was just the tip of the iceberg. I could talk about the time I had her sectioned, the numerous threats of suicide / overdoses (always a good tool to keep someone in line), the time she almost knocked me out (which really was the time I should have just walked away) or the number of late-night phone calls after we'd broken up. It was only her getting a new fella that really knocked it on the head for good.
The point I'm making in all of this is, when you're in the middle of it, you just don't see it. I'd defend her to anyone who tried to say anything about her, they must just not understand. It was only with the clarity of hindsight, months later, that I realised what had been going on. It took years for me to unpick the mental damage she'd caused, it very nearly cost me my next relationship also.
Anyone glibly suggesting that we should simply "grow a set" or "man up" suggests to me that they are either completely devoid of empathy or fortunate enough never to have been in that sort of situation. I can assure anyone reading that there was nothing wrong with my "set." But it's far removed from anything as simple as a "messy breakup," it has more in common with being sucked into a cult and brainwashed.
It took me a long time to realise there is a major gulf between the face people show the world (persona) and the person beneath.
I've been single for 12 years now and counting. For me, it is just too much of a risk, I've found on balance I'm happier on my own than taking a risk on someone with the fallout and heartache from realising they are not their persona. Infact the people with the sparkliest, most outgoing personalities are often the ones to avoid.
handybar
It took me a long time to realise there is a major gulf between the face people show the world (persona) and the person beneath.
I’ve been single for 12 years now and counting. For me, it is just too much of a risk, I’ve found on balance I’m happier on my own than taking a risk on someone with the fallout and heartache from realising they are not their persona. Infact the people with the sparkliest, most outgoing personalities are often the ones to avoid.
Probably not everyone though if your happy not suggesting you change 😀
Something I said earlier was "I think it’s probably a case that some of us just fall for this far easier than others and to some extent that is probably biased towards people who basically just try and be a “nice guy” but I think it's a bit deeper ...
The one thing every narcissist has is a terrible story about their bast*** ex partner and I guess some of us are just not only suckers to believe it but we also look or give out signals we are suckers for it.
Being a bit generous ... I don't think the narcissist can actually NOT do this, it's like giving a kitten a ball of wool... and from their perspective they can't see any different.
I had to laugh at the comment someone made about getting councelling... and the "right off you go then .. get fixed as its all your fault" ... from THEIR perspective this is entirely the case and suggesting councelling is an admission it must be your fault.
I don't have much to offer on breakups or narcissism, thankfully.
However, as someone whose parents split up when I was quite young, I would echo the encouragement to avoid making negative comments about your ex in front of the kids.
By and large, my parents had a very civil relationship while I was growing up, which I think in retrospect was largely for the benefit of me and my sister.
One parent did however say the odd derogatory thing about the other, and this is more confusing than you might expect for a child or young person. You love both your parents, you look up to them, and now one of them is saying something nasty about the other. I still think about some of these comments now, decades on! Which is weird, because I don't even remember the content of much of it, and I don't recall caring much at the time. But there you go, the mind is a mysterious thing.
Were my marriage to break up now, I'd be doing my best to remember that my ex was still my children's mother, and she always will be. And as such, if I had nothing nice to say about her to them, I'd be saying nothing.
It sounds as though you're doing a good job OP, all the best.
I hear the term narcissist a lot now, I don't think I've ever been caught up with one - my red flag detector has always been quite good overall - but it's more that you realise everyone has some major issues, which you only learn about close-up. Plus people can change from good to bad.
The question for me I suppose is whether together, as a team/partnership, you can overcome your collective hang-ups and problems and be happier than on your own. Communication, apologies, patience, forgiveness from both parties, rather than creating an abuser-abused dynamic which seems all too common after the honeymoon period has worn off.
I did meet someone recently and I suddenly realised why the "love" industry is so lucrative, the feeling can be overpowering. I wasn't comfortable with the feelings so didn't pursue anything, plus I've just seen too many bad break-ups of late to think that I could be the exception not the rule.
@cougar Wow, some comparable situations there dude. Sad to read, life can be mean, people can be worse. Easy to judge when you're not living that life.
Thanks for that. I was rather expecting a reaction of "WTF is wrong with you, man up!"
The question for me I suppose is whether together, as a team/partnership, you can overcome your collective hang-ups and problems and be happier than on your own.
That's probably quite on point. A question we perhaps should be asking more is "how are you enriching my life?" If the answer is that you'd be happier / better off on your own, well, you only have the one life.
I did meet someone recently and I suddenly realised why the “love” industry is so lucrative, the feeling can be overpowering. I wasn’t comfortable with the feelings so didn’t pursue anything, plus I’ve just seen too many bad break-ups of late to think that I could be the exception not the rule.
I think that's a real shame and it makes me genuinely sad.
Sure, there are always risks. And some 30 years of dating has demonstrated far too often to me that people aren't always what they're cracked up to be. But now I'm seeing someone who has been an absolute revelation in terms of "it doesn't have to be that way." It can happen.
Every time you cross the road you risk being hit by a car. What do you do to mitigate that, never cross a road again? I've had this argument with my mum of late and now just given up because, well, she's a stubborn old goat (like her son). She had a cat and adored it, it died and she was devastated. I've suggested getting another and her stance is "I couldn't go through that again." But it overlooks the years of joy and companionship she got out of him before that happened.
When my current girlfriend and I first went out on a date, one of the very first things I said to her even before agreeing to that date was "absolutely the last thing I'm looking for right now is anything even remotely resembling a relationship." 18 months later, we're now making plans for her to move in with me.
Why not give it a go. You've lost nothing if it doesn't work out, so long as you're mentally prepared to walk away rather than get dragged into something toxic if it all goes sideways.
@cougar you make some bloody good points. It took me until I was 39 to actually get into what I consider a normal and healthy relationship. Many years of poor choices and compromised principles combined with me not being the healthiest person around compounded it all.
I could blame my exes but ultimately I got sucked in and due to my own issues hung around for the shitshows that they became, glad to past all of that and it took me a while to realise I was the cause of my own misery.
Like you said, you should enrich each others lives, not cause friction or misery, but we hang in there, for reason that escape us sometimes.
Like you said, you should enrich each others lives, not cause friction or misery, but we hang in there, for reason that escape us sometimes.
For me this was clear...the kids...
You put up with a degree of 'discomfort' for your kids, and don't bat an eye (early morning wake ups, standing on the cold side of a field etc etc.. 'uncomfortable', but we do it for the kids). It's when the partner adds 'creep' into it...
A little bit of discomfort becomes a bit bigger...and bigger...
You still think 'i'll endure for the kids/family unit'...until you 'pop'....
DrP
@DrP Yeah man, story as old as time. Thankfully I don't have kids, but still hung around too long. Sorry you and the little humans have to go through this shit.
I did meet someone recently and I suddenly realised why the “love” industry is so lucrative, the feeling can be overpowering.
After 30 years in a relationship which works that's something I miss, the initial rush of a new relationship. It comes back sometimes but usually after some kind of tiff and as I have no wish to spend my life arguing that's rare (better to argue with randoms on the Net) I accept that foregoing the initial euphoria is the price of being happy but not quite euphoric nearly all the time. Some people don't seem to be able to live without the initial rush and have affairs or go from one partner to the next.
Others never seem to get fully invested in a relationship, there's a lack of passion or romance, things are just a bit too practical. There's a balance, relationships that work can work because people are passionate about their partners or simply because it's convenient to be with them or even because it provides for practical wants/needs. Everything is possible. It just takes two people to sign up to a shared life and live with the joys, irritations and constraints.
Some people are nicer or more horrible than others, just hope you discover things sooner rather than later. Some of the most toxic people I've known have also been capable of being the most seductive and charming.
My ongoing divorce has been terrible. The person I thought I knew and loved for nearly 22 years has done and said some terrible things. I have sat and questioned my own behaviour. You have good days, and bad days. It effects people in different ways each set of circumstances is different.
But as DrP has said, talking about things helps. At those low points where you are trying to juggle kid, house, money, solicitors, life etc having somewhere like here to talk helps massively. So, from me to you all...thanks. And to DrP..it will get better.
Some of the most toxic people I’ve known have also been capable of being the most seductive and charming.
Ain't that the truth.
One of my previous girlfriend's exes was the most charming man you'd meet. Everyone thought he was lovely. He was also the most manipulative ****pig on the planet. Last I heard he was banged up for armed robbery.