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Once in a while I/we all need to have a little moan and gain some perspective, but there are a few subjects that are perhaps a little sensitive for public internet.
Everyone seems invested in themselves and old friends are distanced.
Who do you turn to that you feel could empathise?
My wife.
Too obvious?
The dog.
Yep, my wife bless her!
The anonymous forum in the mountains
No-one. Everyone has their own burdens, they don’t need to be weighed down with mine as well.
Interesting question, one I've been contemplating for a while as I do sometimes feel I lack a release.
It used to be my wife, but after she suffered some mental health issues (not related to my moaning I don't think!) I don't really burden her.
It also used to be my brother, but he moved away and we're not really as close as we once were, so not him either.
Then I had a semi-anonymous Twitter account that I used to dump thoughts on which i found quite cathartic. But them my wife and my Mom found it, so that stopped. I could set another one up I suppose.
I have one friend I can dump on occasionally, but for obvious reasons we've not seen much of each other recently which isn't ideal.
So basically, I just bottle it up and try to use exercise to clear my head and manage it. Not ideal and I'd be stuffed if I ever got injured, but it works for the moment...
A vacuum.
Inanimate objects...
No-one. Everyone has their own burdens, they don’t need to be weighed down with mine as well.
this, everyone elses problems are more important than mine, so i just keep schtum. The rabbits sometimes get a talking to however when knowone else can hear.
Myself. I run mental conversations all the damn time, but rarely do it out loud to anyone. It never seemed to help.
Brother(s), best mate.
I talk to a counsellor.
Some things just cannot be settled in your own head by thinking them through and, if you do not want to burden your partner/wife, or it involves them, then finding someone you can talk to, that has the ability to help you, is a good idea I think.
I am strong enough mentally to take stress without too many negative sie effects (well, I thought I was9, but I know that I have limits and I would rather talk to someone than not do that and slip back into depression by thinking I can cope on my own.
Men and 'not good at sharing' seems to be a theme and something we could all do with being better at.
I do a lot of listening at work and use a peer for a talking point to let stuff out at, plus another colleague where we use each other as work sounding boards. It's better to let this stuff out than weigh you down.
Personal stuff, my wife a lot of the time. She is a great listener and since meditating regularly is annoyingly good at getting to the root of a problem. If it's about her sometimes I have to have a word with myself when out running or riding to think through what/why I'm annoyed by something.
My gheto tubeless wheelset. I rant whilst getting them inflated again which vents the frustration and there's a glow of satisfaction when they finally go pop.
Yeah no one. OH has been having a bad time of late (funnily the police service seem disposable these days) so I bottle it. Except I had a real wobble last week so I don't know the answer. But running and talking to the dogs helps for a wee while.
Does your company provide an employee assistance helpline or similar?
I run mental conversations all the damn time, but rarely do it out loud to anyone. It never seemed to help.
This and Lunges post was why i asked. I have a particular issue with work at the moment that i dont want to post on here as there are a couple or people from work that may see it.
My heads full of mental chatter / angst and im struggling with quietening it with mindfulness, or telling myself to forget it until im back on Monday and dealing with it then. Unfortunately my head carries on, on the bike which is a shame as I have two marathon race sims this weekend which could be ample to clear my head.
I get the impression sometimes you just have to soak up lifes issues, im quite envious of some peoples apparent ability just to turn them off.
I wonder sometimes if a professional mentor would help.
A few friends have a WhatsApp group that is basically for ranting and talking crap. It used to be about arranging rides, sign of the times I guess, but is now a nice safe therapy place.
I was down a while back and just posted on here. Got a fair amount of helpful advice that got me through that, subsequently I developed a coping strategy that probably isn't possible for many, but it was here I came to as although I know a couple of folk on here in real life it is all pretty anonymous and if it is a real problem people here aren't judgmental in the least.
Just saving it all up until I have enough to justify going postal.
@Kryton57, I've used a professional mentor/career coach before who was really good and in truth, a good few of our sessions turned into an hour of me releasing stuff. It was under the pretense of professional development, but for me at least, that was/is entwined with everything else, and work/career were a side issue.
I should probably book another session with him actually, as it was very useful being able to talk to someone who had zero connection to anyone I know so I could talk openly.
Message me if you want his details.
I moan to my Boss/Mate about my wife and the kids latest disaster.
I moan to my Wife about my boss and my colleagues and their latest idiocy.
I moan to my mates about all of the above.
A Man has got to have a system.
Myself and Irene.
I’ve used a professional mentor/career coach
Don't want to thread hijack but interested in this, what did you get out of the experience? Never considered this as an option before
My mate.
He moans to me.
We probably ought to ditch the wives and get married.
No one.
Everyone seems to moan at me which is probably whey I spend most of my time wishing I was dead.
No-one. Everyone has their own burdens, they don’t need to be weighed down with mine as well.
Assuming you're not taking the piss, then that's all wrong. Men's mental health is a real issue and pretending that no one wants to listen or that your problems are not as worthy as someone else's is (probably) the source of a lot of pent up frustration in the population.
I think I'm ready now.
Sometimes the wife but much of what i moan about is boring to her so not worth it.
She vents to me too.
Sometimes you just need to say it, sometimes its best not said
Some Russian lady who seems all ears atm.
If I have a problem which will be solved by me moaning about it, I'll moan to almost anyone. If moaning won't help., I don't moan.
Both my wife, and to my counselor. Makes a big difference. My moans and problems may not seem as important to me as other people's do, but talking about them and accepting them makes a huge difference to my mental health.
Don’t want to thread hijack but interested in this, what did you get out of the experience? Never considered this as an option before
@greentricky, difficult to quantify exactly.
I was (arguably still am, Covid has put back plans) in a weird place career wise and was looking at options to make a move. But I couldn't really work out which route and how to do it, I'd been procrastinating over it for 3 or so years.
We basically talked about it, talked about why I was doing what I was doing, why I wanted something different, what I wanted and needed from the next move, and as importantly, why I hadn't done it.
It ended up digging up some stuff that I'd been ignoring and that ultimately were why I hadn't made the move earlier.
I found it really useful to have someone who just listened and prompted with no real agenda, ended up telling him all kind of stuff, mostly non-work related, but all involved in this decision. It felt like counselling sessions.
I think as this thread has proved, there a good few or us who either don't have anyone to talk to, or do have people but don't want to burden them with our moans.
I found it very useful, and generally see the fella 2 or 3 times per year as a head re-set.
As I say, I can DM the details of the guy I use if anyone wants them.
Team meetings at work. Seriously. We have a weekly conference call and it's typically about 20% work-related and 80% us all having massive rants to each other.
My partner once walked in, commented quietly "your work meetings... aren't like my work meetings" and hurriedly left. (-:
Men and ‘not good at sharing’ seems to be a theme and something we could all do with being better at.
It is, and it's not healthy. I used to liken myself to a pressure cooker. "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine..." *boom*
Bottling things up is Not Good, or at least, it certainly wasn't for me.
No-one. Everyone has their own burdens, they don’t need to be weighed down with mine as well.
This is the kind of bollocks that drives the suicide rate of men to be three times that of women.
This is the kind of bollocks that drives the suicide rate of men to be three times that of women.
This
Whilst I’m crap at it, I know I should talk more despite that I too don’t want to burden people.
The first rule of night ride club is :you do not talk about what gets talked about at night ride club 🙂 We have a mixed bunch on our rides and some have very tough jobs/life situations , everyone gets the chance to have a good old rant. We always hug at the end 😉
Surface moaning - Anyone who comes within range 🙂
Deeper moaning- girlfriend who is empathetic and a good communicator that is she can tell you things straight in an honest and positive way.
I also have ears and a gub that I can keep shut. So girlfriend also moans to me with some confidence.
On the subject of burdening others with one's problems - a view from a different perspective. I like to listen to the problems of people who are close to me. I find it very worthwhile - a win win situation. My friend gets things off his / her chest and feels valued and not alone; I feel useful, and usually learn something new about my friend, myself, or the crazy ride we call human experience. It strengthens the bond between us.
The first rule of night ride club is :you do not talk about what gets talked about at night ride club
Pretty much any ride club, I think
A combo
At work the group of us in our immediate team are close and we moan about other teams or the system as a whole together.
Can moan to my wife about anything work or personal if need be and if I want telling what to do about it.
I have running time solo to 'meditate' on issues, then a couple of running buddies to chat through things with.
Then I have drinking buddies, where we talk about football, holidays, weather for the first 3 pints then all sorts of other stuff after that point which is useful as a sort of therapy.
It's always good to share, problems never seem so big when your speaking them as opposed to thinking them. Them there is also something to be said for just surviving through things when you can, after 6 months things may be no better but you'll be better at handling them
I used to be of the "my problems are not important" mindset, but I now unload on a couple of female friends (no, stop that!), and it does help.
+1 for what Scuttler and Rona said. It's a win-win.
We organised a Dad's Night Out about 4-5 years ago to give a mate who was dealing with both his wife and son having cancer treatment a night out away from it all and to let off steam.
Turned into a monthly event, meet at the village pub, first Friday of the month. Core of 3-4 regulars and a revolving dozen who drop in if they can. Great to chat and share problems, or just to see how others problems put yours into perspective. Did go through a phase where 2-3 IT contractors used it to worry about which Porsche to buy next. I tended to leave when that started
Once lockdown was lifted we've had a socially distanced version in the park or a bigger garden.
Running buddies are great for this, something about being side by side instead of face to face.
Used to have all sorts of chats at the work coffee station - life, death, everything in between - there's a little of that on the zoom meetings before we get started but it's not the same.
I wonder sometimes if a professional mentor would help.
I can wholeheartedly recommend this. I've found it to be a total game changer both in terms of my mindset around everything, and the results that follow. Made the leap mid lockdown into a new role with £10k increase, and far better satisfaction and got away from a horrible, toxic piece of shit boss that I'd not have done were it not for some really good coaching sessions.
my best mate my wife and my close riding buddies. i used to bottle a lot up as i didnt want to burden others, but that just made mental health issues worse and caused some really quite disturbing anger issues. im lucky in that i have people i love and that love me, listening to each others moans and hassles is all part of that.
I can wholeheartedly recommend this. I’ve found it to be a total game changer both in terms of my mindset around everything, and the results that follow. Made the leap mid lockdown into a new role with £10k increase, and far better satisfaction and got away from a horrible, toxic piece of shit boss that I’d not have done were it not for some really good coaching sessions.
Good to hear, and thanks to Lunge who’s recommended contact I’m talking with next week on the basis of managing my current role better, Looking forward to it!
my best mate my wife and my close riding buddies. i used to bottle a lot up as i didnt want to burden others, but that just made mental health issues worse and caused some really quite disturbing anger issues. im lucky in that i have people i love and that love me, listening to each others moans and hassles is all part of that.
And this. On family hols this week I had a bit of time to think about how bitter I’m becoming, I need to sort myself out. It’s being caused by a combo of typical sales pressure, inept management and a frustration of not being paid properly because our so complicated commissions calculations can’t be fathomed out by anyone. The peaks and troughs are amazing, and with Mrs K redundant and Jnr with a lot of pre-work pressure before he starts Secondary on the 9th life’s being a bit of a rollercoaster at best.
And now the cats got a limp...
No-one. Everyone has their own burdens, they don’t need to be weighed down with mine as well.
Partner, friends, mum and dad, everyone! But I also don't have problems hearing other issues. I find it cathartic myself and frequently adds perspective to my own issues and when I encountered similar problems their experience can help.
No one really. The few friends I have around me have their own issues and problems so don't really want to burden them with mine too. Always been a listener more than a talker, not an easy habit to get out of.
I have posted on here and the support has been incredible. Also a few from here I'm in touch with I speak to pretty often. And I update my blog when I get round to it.
Although not sure I'm able to post what's been happening over the past couple of months, it's really awful 😔
I like to listen to the problems of people who are close to me. . I find it very worthwhile – a win win situation.
100%. As someone who is not empathetic I have found this has really helped me in this respect to as when someone unloads you can frequently understand the all of a sudden why one small detail may be the most important thing to them