[Closed] Where the hell to start?

Go see your gp and ask to be referred for counselling etc.

Get help now whilst you are in this frame of mind.

See GP or contact a local counsilling service. I went last week and have been referred for CBT.

Good luck with everything and keep positive.

but the drink takes the pain away.

No. Drink is the cause of the pain.

Do as loddrik suggests if you don't want it to further destroy your life.

Find the times that you drink and ride your bike instead. You'll still need to do as previously advised but it might help take the cravings away and your bike can be incredibly therapeutic for both problems.

Best wishes - you've taken the hardest step in admitting there is a problem.

All the above. Plus go and tell those who love you that you are sorry, want to fix this, and need their help.

Just run with it.

Get a leather jacket and drink whisky, at least you'll be interesting.

But I guess - what the others said.

Nothing makes me happier than riding the bike but on the nights before I plan to go for a ride I drink enough to scupper those plans. Habit I guess, but a hard one to break.

Career always came first and as far as declarable medical history came in to it, depression would never look good so safer to pretend it doesn't exist. I've had an employee in the past who ended up on anti-depressants and they messed up his head to the point he was threatening to stab people. At work. That guy, I do not want to be.

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

Top right hand corner enter your postcode to find where you can meet and listen to other people talk about their experiences and achievements. You will almost certainly find it very inspirational.

This is slightly hypocritical because I didn't take my own advice- it had to get so bad that I really had no choice but to do something, I should have acted sooner. But anyway, appointment with GP. It's difficult to talk about, I just steamed in basically but if you write down exactly what you want to say that gives you a safety net if you stall, just read off the page. Once you've started you won't stop. And without coaching; your depression pre-dates your drinking issues, it's the cause not a symptom, get that really clear.

Don't prejudge medication- most folks will know somebody that reacted badly but you can be pretty sure that some people you know are on antidepressants, and you have absolutely no clue.

"on the nights before I plan to go for a ride I drink enough to scupper those plans. Habit I guess, but a hard one to break."

Its not habit, for some reason you don't actually WANT to go or are punishing either yourself or others by making sure you do not attend.

Spend a bit of time asking yourself why you are making this choice and what some sub concious part of you thinks it is gaining from such behaviour.

You do know the answer, we all know the answers to our own odd behaviours, just usually we do not want to admit the reasons to ourselves because we are scared of the answers or scared of finding we are not always nice. Being brave enough to find out who you are is hard, but ultimately can be very enlightening and even fun at times.

Aside from that, re taking antidepressants. I will say here that this is my personal view and lots of people may disagree or find that the opposite of my view worked out really well for them - its all very personal. However when I became ill a few years back with stress and depression I already knew I wanted counselling and not pills before I got to the GP. Things were so bad for me I had to write a letter and give it to them to read as I could not talk out loud about my issues without crying. I was lucky my GP full supported my reasons for avoiding pills totally and wanting counselling instead. I think I hit gold there with that GP.

Over the previous decade I had met several colleagues/acquaintances/friends who were on anti-depressants.

I had 2 observations that scared the hell out of me. The first was that people go on them expecting it to be short term (its only 6 months....) but then find their doctor is all too keen to keep them on them and I know of at least 2 people who have been on them over 10 years and several more who have been on them multiple years. None of these people seemed very happy in life to me. The doctors make no serious attempts to wean them off and the people who are taking the pills become terrified of life without them (despite side effects no one mentions such as digestion issues etc), so the patients then fight tooth and nail to stay on them. A couple of friends did try to quit in fear at their dependence, but instead of weaning slowly, both came off abruptly, just stopping the pills totally on whims. This seems to lead to a lot of withdrawal issues and panic attacks and the result was they became more determined to stay on them 'long term' which seems to mean life long ie decades.

The 2nd observation is that if you are unhappy and depressed you do still have some motivation to change your life as everything seems unbearable and you want 'out' and into a better type of life - and councellors can help support you in such changes. From observing people on long term anti-depressants it seems to help them manage to tolerate life as it is... so they plod on changing NOTHING as the awful aspects are numbed out and just bearable though still miserable - and all drive and motivation to change job or whatever sort whatever is the real issue just fades and they go on and on living the same crap life as finding it just about bearable on pills ends up outweighing the drive to change and improve things for the better.

Personally, I did not want the numbing out and going on living the same miserable life, nor did I want side effects or life long pill dependence. For me, not taking pills was absolutely the right choice as the active misery causing the drive to change saved me and helped me alter my life to a better one. But again I say this option and my reasons might not fit everyone, its just a point of view.

I would also say that, aside from doctors, pills or counsellors the biggest problem if you are unhappy can be the people who are around you - when I first started to make changes to my unhappy life I got lots of low key but very persistant negative feedback not only from bosses but from friends and relatives - people in my close circle I had expected to want to support me in making changes to be happier. I found this quite shocking as I was not exactly looking at huge changes, just different type of job, a different personal outlook of 'can do' rather than being beaten down. I found people felt threatened by or resentful of even smallish personal outlook changes and they would try to stamp on them in all sorts of ways - even such odd things along the lines of 'just stay as you are [for the next 20 years] as you will get a good pension'. It was staggering. Be aware of this resentment of change in you as it can grind you down subliminally and undermining is the last thing you need when you want to change your lifestyle to a happier one.

I saw some troubled teenager on TV about a decade ago. He turned his life around at some boot camp type thing and wanted to be a new person and was doing really well. They interviewed him a few months after he got home and he said that he was still determined to change his future to a better one, but that moving forward then being put back into the same environment that helped create his negative tendencies was very unhelpful. He said its no good to treat a person in isolation as if they are the problem and only them - in fact their entire daily environment and the feedback from the people in it needs to be assessed and interpreted as positive or negative as well, as the environment creates the person to some degree.

The older I get, the more intelligent I think that teenager was.

Anyway, good luck.
It gets easier to change the longer you keep at it.
Be aware of other people looking after their own interests first.

but the drink takes the pain away.

The drink may well take the pain away. For now. You'll get used to it though, and you'll need more drink. And more, and more. And gradually there'll be a different kind of pain; the pain of self-loathing, because you hate the fact that you're dependent on the drink. But you'll keep it to yourself and suffer in silence. For a while. But your self-loathing will eventually be too much to keep hidden, except your shame won't let you express it in any other way than as hatred towards others. You'll spoil what should be nice family get-togethers, you'll push every friend you ever had away from you, you'll lose your job, you'll embarrass yourself in public. You'll have the odd period of reflection where you see your alcoholism for what it is and plead with family to help you. Your loved ones will rush to your side, thinking "maybe this is it, maybe this is the time we begin the long road to sobriety", and they will move heaven and earth for you. And things will look better for maybe a week or two, until they come round to visit and find you unconscious in a puddle of excrement, surrounded by half-empty bottles. And then your organs will start to fail, and you'll be hospitalised, and as your body starts to shut down, you'll begin to cry for all the hurt you've caused, for all the grandkids you'll never get to know, and because you're scared. And when you're gone, the ones left behind will feel relief that you're gone because it means that you're no longer suffering, but they'll feel a horrible guilt that you're gone because they're no longer suffering.

That is the abridged version of the last 10 years in my family's life. My mother-in-law died in February this year.

Sort the drinking out as a priority.

Brave post, OP.
Lots of past threads on here about depression, where there will be some good ideas and shared experiences. EG:
[url= http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/what-do-people-think-are-the-signs-and-symptoms-of-depression ]here[/url]
[url= http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/depression-why-dont-we-talk-about-it-your-experiences-please ]here[/url]
[url= http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/depression-or-just-mtfu ]or here[/url]

I found [url= http://www.wingofmadness.com/ ]this site[/url] helpful when I first admitted there was something wrong.

I also used to drink way too much (pretty much quit now, bar the occasoinal beer). I'd agree the depression and drinking are probably connected. For me, it wasn't really that one caused the other - more that they exacerbated each other. Having said that, I found it much easier to tackle each problem separately, but YMMV.

See you doctor, and keep an open mind about meds (they helped me). I also think self-awareness and education are powerful tools against depression.

Keep talking to us if it helps, and good luck!

Different things work for different people. I have colleagues at work for whom medication was the right thing, and others for whom talking therapies worked. Mrs dpfr had a wobble and refused to take medication. The net result was several years of being stuck and miserable, followed by a series of psychotic episodes about two years ago and almost admission to hospital. She's now on medication and things are slowly improving. Don't rule anything out at this point, and be prepared for things not to work, or to work slowly. It's not an exact science but there are certainly things that can be done to make things better. Good luck!

I agree with Ernie

[url] http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/ [/url]

Just give someone a call.
You can talk to someone on the phone, face to face or go to a meeting.
You are not alone having problems like yours. What is the worst thing that can happen from an anonymous phone call? It may be part of the first step to more peaceful mind.

All the best

This Is exactly the time you should take the motivation and support from here and the Web but everyone's circumstances differ so you need medical experts to help work out the problems and the right treatment. What works or doesn't work for one person may not translate to your situation.

I'd disagree that we all know what causes our behaviour, sometimes you need an external perspective so even more reason to speak to your doc. Write it down as suggested to make sure you don't miss anything.

I know to close family friends with alcohol and depression issues.

Trouble is - what starts out as depression with alcohol as the prop at some point becomes alcoholic depression and it becomes harder and harder to separate the two. Is the depression causing you to drink or is the drink causing (or at least fueling your depression). It becomes impossible to tell.

You have admitted you have a problem far earlier than either of the people I know and that is a massive step - you ask where do you start - well you have made a great start by asking for help.

If you have a good GP go and see them - NOW! If your not comfortable talking to your GP talk to someone like Mind. They are excellent and will be able to point you to some really good resources. Mention the alcohol as well - they've heard it all many times before and will not judge.

Do it now before you get deeper in to the spiral - trust me - one of the people I know is pretty much as deep as you can get and it is not pleasant for them or their loved ones.

Good luck with it all...

Well done, brave post. I can only nod as sort of think I might be there as well, not sure. But like you I need to ask some questions.

[i]"Where the hell to start?"[/i]

You just started, OP, by admitting you have a problem. Well done!

Thankyou all for your help and advice, it means alot.

I've known the depression has been a big problem for a long time but was in the mindset that I was a bigger man by believing I could control it without talking to anyone nor trying medication.

Lately I've been thinking alot about what I've probably missed out on by doing that, the good people I've met and then lost through my actions. I have an inkling that this realisation is fuelling my recent increase in drinking (as if I needed to drink more.) Maybe I'm punishing myself for not dealing with it sooner, being too stubborn, it's my own fault.

Good on you OP, You've made the first step. Now keep going.

Speak to people, friends and family, try to be open, this will make you feel like you're not on your own. Get the professional help others have suggested as well.

But most of all, be strong. Good luck.

See the doc and do something about the drink doc or AA can help.Speak openly to family and friends if you can,tough part is some people will bale out of your life or drag you back to the drink. Anyone who disappears from your life or is unhelpful was no real friend anyway
Good luck