Need to come up with some jokes for tomorrow for work - I seem to recall there being an excellent joke thread quite recently but I can only find stuff from ten years ago when I google on the site... anyone got a link?
but I can only find stuff from ten years ago when I google on the site
well theres your first joke 🙂
HA! Jokes on you sucka!
An Englishman, Frenchman and Irishman walk into a pub and the barman said "is this some kind of joke"
Where is the joke thread
It's been pulled.
Ithanqyow
Where is the joke thread
It’s been pulled.
That’s a cracker!
An atheist, a cross-fitter and a vegan walk into a bar.
I know because they told me.
Dung beetle walks into a bar.
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Is this stool taken ?.
Whatever you do, make sure that @welshfarmer doesn’t find out about this thread…
[strong][/strong] wrote:
Whatever you do, make sure that @welshfarmer doesn’t find out about this thread…
too late 🙂
I’ve just tried some of Elvis Costello’s Mediterranean sausage range from Waitrose.
I must say it was lovely, I think Olive salami is here to stay
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse
An atheist, a cross-fitter and a vegan walk into a bar.
I know because they told me.
😀
Why the long face?
I’ve just tried some of Elvis Costello’s Mediterranean sausage range from Waitrose.
I must say it was lovely, I think Olive salami is here to stay
Utter genius
We booked a static caravan for our staycation. I asked the site warden which one was ours. He said "You can't miss it....
......it's the one down there covered in balloons."
A bloke buys a very cheap wig, his mates say it looks fantastic, but it makes his heady hot and itchy. He reckon that it's a small price toupee.
Our community centre held a free counselling session for self-harmers, but apparently dozens of people missed the deadline to sign up.
I bet they're really kicking themselves.
Van Gogh sitting in the pub. His mate comes in and shouts "Hey Vincent, do you want a pint?"
"No thanks," replies Van Gogh, "I've got one 'ere."
Pavlov sitting in the pub when the bell rings for last orders. "Bollocks! " Says Pavlov. "I forgot to feed the dog."
And a final question: Why do farmers always put the gate in the muddiest part of the field?
I left the bottom of my trousers in the library. That was a turn up for the books.
My wife was going into town at the weekend, I asked her to nip into the hardware shop and pick me up a mattayu
What do we want!?
Race car noises!
When do we want them!?
Neeeeeeowwwwwwwwww!
What is a pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet?
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You'd think so, but their true love be the C
David Beckham's son arrived for football training, asked the coach "What number shirt am I? The coach said "Wear four out there Romeo"
just interviewed a bloke for a job. “Can you perform under pressure?” I asked. No he replied. But I do a great bohemian rhapsody.
I’m upset that my shop was closed during lockdown but the locksmiths next door weren’t.
Apparently they are key workers.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
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Breathe, you idiot! BREATHE!!
What is a pirate’s favourite letter of the alphabet?
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You’d think so, but their true love be the C
This is excellent.
Recently I've found out somebody is adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens
You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
The sky was looking ominous, so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?” And she replied, “Yes, it is, and don’t call me Shirley.” That was when I realised I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
My wife accused me the other day of being too immature. I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort
My wife said to me 'you're not listening are you!?'
Strange way to start a conversation 🤷♂️
Locals have been complaining about the bird sanctuary owner hoovering at night with the lights off.
The paper ran the headline - Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers in the Dark.
Don't buy trousers from Russia, I've heard Chernobyl fallout.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation centre. The nurse asks them if they know their blood group.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type o".
pick me up a mattayu
Go on, I'll set it up for you, someone has to say it.
She asked me, "what's a mattayu?"
I’ve just tried some of Elvis Costello’s Mediterranean sausage range from Waitrose.
I just tried their Fish & Herb flavour ones.
Didn't really work for me as a light lunch. I guess there's a thyme and a plaice for these things.
Hey!!.....gotta no respect.......
I missed the start of this thread because I was out looking for some camouflage shorts for summer.
Couldn't find any.
Darth Vader told me what I was getting for my birthday.
He had felt my presents.
Where is the joke thread
It's not got legs, so probably where you left it.
Where is the joke thread
I think there's a football thread somewhere.
My dad always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more",
He was a great bloke but a terrible anaesthetist.
I used to go out with a Welsh girl that had 36DDs.
Very long surname and very difficult to pronounce.
mattayu
Like. It's an upgrade on the hamafour.
Why’s is called a “roadmap out of lockdown” and not a “road to de-mask us”?
👏👏
Bravo sir
Very good 👍
This could come back to bite me, I thought as I taped a piranha to my boomerang
or the agoraphobic homosexual, came out and went back in again
A pirate walks into a bar with a chocolate bar stuck to his bandana.
'What's with the chocolate?' asks the barman.
The pirate replies 'Arr! I be havin' a bounty on me head'
Why is Mickey Mouse's helicopter no use in Scotland?
Disneyland.
Jokes have been banned from the forum. They may cause offense as inevitably there's always someone on the receiving end, be they Irishman, Scotsman, or Englishman.
Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?
Disneyland.
Love that 😃
have you heard the stories about corduroy pillows... they're making the headlines.
Ask my wife if I was the only one she's even been with.
"Yes" she said, "all the others were 9s and 10s."
That’s a good one, Onzadog! Better than mine, anyway…
I was walking through the Olympic village when I saw a man carrying a very long stick. I asked, ‘Are you a pole vaulter?’ The man turned and answered me, ‘No, I’m German, but how did you know my name was Walter?’
We booked a static caravan for our staycation. I asked the site warden which one was ours. He said “You can’t miss it….
……it’s the one down there covered in balloons.”
I don't understand this one
Q: why are there pyramids in both Egypt and Latin America?
A: because they were too heavy to carry to the British Museum
Female weightlifter goes to see a doctor
FW - I think I've been overdoing the steroids, I've grown a knob.
D - Anabolic?
FW - No, just a knob.
This works better said out loud than written down
I was walking through the graveyard this morning when I saw a man crouching down by a gravestone. 'Morning' I said. 'No, having a shit' said the man
I was walking down the road yesterday when I came across a pirate with a parrot on his shoulder.
"Pieces of seven!" cried the parrot.
I said to the pirate: "It should be pieces of eight, shouldn't it?".
"Arrrr", he replied, "it be a parroty error".
That's my second-favorite computer science joke. I'd tell you the one about UDP but I don't know if you'd get it.
I very sadly lost a good friend recently, he bled to death as none of us could remember his blood group and so couldn't give him the life saving transfusion he so desperately needed.
"Be positive " he kept saying to us, but it's hard to remain cheerful when you see a friend like that.
That’s my second-favorite computer science joke.
Probably my two favourites also.
A Catholic Priest, an Anglican Vicar, an Imam and a Rabbit walk into the blood donor centre.
They're asked for their blood groups.
"A" replies he Vicar
"Same here" says the Catholic Priest
"AB" says the Imam
The receptionist looks at the rabbit and says "what about you?"
"I'm not sure" says the rabbit, "I think I might be a type-O"
I very sadly lost a good friend recently, he bled to death as none of us could remember his blood group and so couldn’t give him the life saving transfusion he so desperately needed.
“Be positive ” he kept saying to us, but it’s hard to remain cheerful when you see a friend like that.
Wasn't he the strike-busting haemophiliac who was injured in a scuffle while trying to cross a picket line and bled to death while everyone shouted 'Scab Scab Scab!'?
How do you know there is an Elephant in your fridge?
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There's footprints in the butter
How do you know there are two Elephants in your fridge?
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There are two sets of footprints in the butter!
How do you know there are 4 Elephants in your fridge?
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There's a mini parked outside.
They weren't 4 elephants, they were 2 whales.
And we all know how to get 2 whales in a Mini.
Don't be ridiculous a whale would never fit in a mini!
And we all know how to get 2 whales in a Mini.
Down the M4?
Don’t be ridiculous a whale would never fit in a mini!
It would if you took the elephants out.
Once there were two prawns,one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being chased and threatened by sharks.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
“I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”
Suddenly a large Cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted” .
With a flash,Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified and afraid of being eaten,Christian immediately swam away.
Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old pals were afraid of him and would hide whenever he came close.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious Cod again and begged to be changed back.
"Your wish is granted" boomed the Cod
With tears of joy Justin swam back to find his friends.
Looking around the reef he realised he couldn’t see his old pal.
“Where’s Christian?” he asked.
“He’s at home, still upset that his best friend became a shark”, came the reply.
Eager to put things right again,Justin set off to Christian’s house.
Banging on the door he shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”
Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark,and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”
Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed ...
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“I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Christian”
When I first came to London, I started a pioneering business.
But nobody liked my earings, and now its just pies.
It's all in the delivery.
I was invited to this a few years ago.
I didn't want to go. But they twisted my arm.
Why did the auditors cross the road?
They’d checked their notes and that’s what they did last year.
Scientists have found out how trees communicate.
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They use What Sap..............
How do you know if there's a gorilla in your sandwich?
It's too heavy to lift.
My girlfriend laughed when I said I'd build a car made from spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
I almost had a Psychic girlfriend,she dumped me before we met.
(SW)
A bird shat on my car last night.
I won't be asking for a second date.
