[Closed] When your mates missus is.....

Is it just a clash of personalities or do you believe she's a wrong'un?

Is she fit?

Louise?

Been there. I just tolerated her for years until she started being poisonous within my wife's family - we don't see her anymore, nor my 'mate' unfortunately.

There are few people I really, truly despise in the world, for reasons I’m not going to go into here, but the woman one of my best mate was seeing is one of them. I let him know at every opportunity, he told me I was overreacting, she was lovely etc. they got engaged, I politely declined the invitation to the wedding.

Turns out she was boffing her biggest suppliers sales director, whom she now works for. Luckily this was discovered before the wedding.

what about the flip side - I'm sure we all have (had) mates that were a bit of a dick, for whatever reason. I did, and he had an absolutely lovely girlfriend, who frankly deserved far better. In the end he pissed her about too much, and they split up but I could have (should have) told her 2 years before and saved her time and disappointment.

@doomanic - one of those people who knows everything and has always been to the 'best' of places, venues, experiences etc. Very untrusting of her partner, always digging for things that dont exist.

@twinw4ll - i would assume to the mate, yes.

@soundninjauk - who?

@fossy - tough gig!

If your mates are anything like my mates then they won't listen to a word you say anyway (mainly on account of doing most of their 'thinking' with their cocks), so just put up with it until the inevitable break up, then help him pick up the pieces when its all gone tits

Actively avoid being in social situations with them? (but still see your buddy, just not as couples)

Just suck it up and respect your mates choice of women?

Not worry about your friend and worry more about yourself?

A combination of the above 3. I've got a mate who's partner is a prat, but ultimately he likes her and is old enough to look after himself. I still see him for a beer, just don't bring other halves.

I do think that there is a difference between thinking someone is a idiot/not someone you like and someone who's a genuine problem.

Depends.. As above, everyone is probably a bit of a dick on occasions, or at least percieved as being a bit of a dick..
That's not the same thing as them being proper 'wrong uns' for want of a better phrase.

OP when you say 'not your cup of tea' do you mean you don't like her taste in books/music?

I just move them to my outer circle, treat them like people I know through work.
Best to be polite but no point in expending any great efforts on it.

Funnily enough one of the few I've actually cut out was a mate who became toxic. Unfortunately meant I lost contact with his wife and kids who were all amazing people to be around.

Back in contact with her now though, after they got divorced she spent ages searching for all the people who had disappeared from her life over the years.

On the reverse side.

Asked a mate of mine if he'd resolved their 'differences' about having children on his stag doo. They hadn't (he didn't want any, she did). Divorced within a year. He's not re-married in 30 years.

Just suck it up and respect your mates choice of women?

Unless they are really awful ie a horrible racist or say an abusive partner my vote is suck it up.

@mattyfez - directly i dont have too much of a problem, probably as i see her so infrequently, but its more the issues and problems she brings the mate. I did start writing a list of examples, but felt its a bit unfair to him (in case he finds this!), but ultimately whatever he does is never good enough, isnt appreciated or is suspected to be to 'make up' for a wrong doing (that hasnt happened).

To be fair, i do genuinely think she needs some mental health help to get rid of a few demons and hang ups.

@fossy - thats one issue they share in common with your mate. She wants them, he doesnt, but seeing as she is in her mid forties, the chances are reducing by the day (biologically). I fear she may resent him for this at a later date.

Friendships come and go too. I had friends that I thought of like a brother and couldn’t imagine them not being in my life who I sadly no longer see. I’m sure they would have said the same about my wife and maybe that is one of the reasons we have drifted apart. Been with my wife for 20 years now, and I’m a better person for being married to her. People change.

Telling your mate that his missus is a grade A arsehole is a good way to lose a mate.

Stay out of it, be supportive if it goes to shit.

@robola - thats a fair shout. And ultimately i wouldnt let a woman get in the way of a friendship, with this mate or any other. But as you say, people change and grow, so who knows what might happen. At 25 years strong, i do hope me and my mates are friends for another 25!!

My opinion, you should respect his choice and let him make his own decisions / mistakes, but support him if you value the friendship.

My ex was toxic as hell and I never saw it, was warned but didn't listen and lost mates over it. 20 years on she is ancient history and I have managed to rekindle my relationships with my friends.

A friend of mine is currently is a similar situation and has fallen out with his brother over it. Horrible situation.

Was talking to a guy the other day and he had a friend who didn't get on with his missus. The friend bought a Tamiya Sand Scorcher RC car for their wedding present. Letting her know how he felt in nicest way I thought.

ultimately whatever he does is never good enough, isnt appreciated or is suspected to be to ‘make up’ for a wrong doing (that hasnt happened).

Sounds like the average wife looking over my friendship groups 😂😂😂

@martinhutch - i would hope to be more diplomatic than that 😀

But it was more curiosity as to what others would do or have done in the past.

Bro's before Hoe's and all that!

I had this with my oldest mate I've know since I was 3...I put up with her but it ment not seeing my mate much
Few years later he told me they split...so I told him I never liked her much blah blah....

Turns out they are getting married next year....after 20 years together...doh!!

@cheekyget - awkward!!! 😛

You are Wayne Rooney and I claim my £10! 🤣

had this with my brothers wife...she is a pain in the ar$e. however i expect she thinks similarly of me/us as now she always has an excuse up her sleeve as to why she cannot visit. Doesn't really change my world too much so I don't worry about it - it bothers my parents as they rarely see all of their grandchildren together.

I guess @mert put it quite well... be frank if asked directly, otherwise maybe just tactfully hint at your point of view.

ultimately whatever he does is never good enough, isnt appreciated or is suspected to be to ‘make up’ for a wrong doing (that hasnt happened).

Of course none of us know the relationship between you and your mate, it might be that he just needs to vent a bit. Equally it might be an indication of thunder in paradise.

Just be supportive and honest whilst trying to employ a bit of tact where needed..or you yourself risk being labled the bad guy.

My first wife was much the same. Although no-one told me she wasn't right for me for fear of losing a mate/brother/son.

Found out on my own, divorced inside of 10 months and instantly better off for it (shouldn't have got wed in the first place tbh). Since met Mrs M and we're fast heading towards our 13th wedding anniversary.

Relationships make people do funny things and act weird. Maybe your mate's just worried he'll never meet anyone else and actually thinks the same as you but is also thinking there's no other options. It's not something many of us are any good at sitting down and talking sensibly about, especially men.

Hang on, thought this was a friend of a friend?

Is this about Wayne and Jamie?

@gurnster75 - whatever absconds me from talking about a very close friend to strangers on the internet!

@madhouse - i too have been in a similar boat (many many moons ago, thankfully we never got to the married stage), maybe thats why i have such concerns for my buddy. Is it easier to identify a dysfunctional relationship if you have been in one?

My best man, and I was his, best mates for ages, his wife was toxic. Typical only child, spoilt, red head with a fiery temper to match. Managed to poison his head within the first year of marriage. He just stopped answering the phone, would hide if I knocked on the door. Didn’t see him for 10+ years, he then blanked me in the street. Lost my best mate over nothing. Not spoken for 21 years.

@bigblackshed - thats savage! Was she toxic before the marriage? Or didnt you see it coming?

To quote Phoebe from Friends when she was an owl who'd just broken up with a horse, "when you're wearing rose tinted spectacles, all the red flags just look like flags".

My first 'proper' relationship was seriously abusive, and it was pointed out to me by friends and family who could see it for what it was. I had a bit of reparation to do with them after it ended, and now I've recovered I can spot an abusive relationship a mile off.

I also know that it's not easy to see when you're on the inside, and the best you can do is be supportive. I'm losing one of my best mates to his alcoholic wife right now, and it hurts. He's already admitted to me that if they didn't have kids it'd be over...

@v7fmp

It wasn’t glaringly obvious before they married. The wedding day was the first big red flag. Well, it was more of a full on cavalry charge into certain death with every man and his horse waving a red flag. A charge of the light brigade doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Shame, he was the mate who got me back into biking back in the heady carefree days of the early 1990s.

I told my best mate that his new girlfriend was a bit suspect when he announced that they were getting married which put a temporary end to our friendship.
Forward about 15 years when she left him for a more wealthy new hubby, I now have my oldest friend back in my life. Looking back, I’m still glad that I told him and he has said that he really wished that he’d listened to me. As they say, love is blind!

I told my best mate that his new girlfriend was a bit suspect when he announced that they were getting married which put a temporary end to our friendship.

I had the opposite issue one time, my very good/best mate was being an arse to his fiance, so I didn't go to the wedding, I just couldnt stomach it.

They divorced a year or two after. I no longer see any of them.

It’s never an easy one, FWIW I do have a friend who’s missus is a weapons grade dickhead but she has just about enough self-awareness to avoid my friend’s mates as a general rule, so it’s a problem that has sort of mitigated itself.

That’s the best outcome that I can think of, I know that my mate would be heartbroken to lose his partner of 25 years and TBH I wouldn’t wish that on him.

That he shouldnt marry her as he could do better/find someone who appreciates him?

Would have done this, but despite being his best man, she persuaded him to marry in secret... Roll on 12yrs & they're getting divorced, so getting my mate back but biting my lip when he mentions the sharing of assets 😬

I notice cycles in my cycling group. As people get older and divorce, they rejoin the group, sometimes after years of silence. When they remarry they leave again, when they divorce again, they come back. Every time a member splits with a partner I can tell a good ride is coming up 😂😂

Now what I’m not sure of is, if everyone had amazing functional families, would the epic rides still happen? Would the great families push their partners to enjoy rides, or are they so great that the people in question never want to leave them. Where I assume the latter, is it actually dysfunctional under the public veneer and they are being kept from riding?

Where I assume the latter, is it actually dysfunctional under the public veneer and they are being kept from riding?

I think it's healthy to have different friends and different hobbies, as long as there is equal trust in the relationship it will never be an issue.

But if there's any hint of distrust, that will poison everything from the ground up.

Lost my best mate to his woman.

He was seeing her on the side - a proper bunny boiler but a real 'mucky un'.

Mate asked us who he should be with - his actual partner or the bit on the side. He went with the bit on the side. Was his best man at the worst wedding I've ever been to, we made our peace with her as she made our mate happy so that was the main thing.

Not seen him for 15years till he turned up one day unannounced with the two most obnoxious children in tow. Wifey was now vegan so he was escaping for a steak. Life has moved on and I told him as much.

My mate's wife is a dick. But she thinks I'm a dick, so it balances out and we just pretty much avoid each other. I've opened a new front though, by convincing their kid that I'm awesome so now she's outnumbered.

Every time a member splits with a partner I can tell a good ride is coming up

That's called the rebound. Also, my best mate isn't that good a friend.

My best mate ended up going out with a proper poisonous nutjob. She alienated his mates, family, just about everyone. It was up to me to tell him. And I did.

Lost him as a mate for a good few years and I'm pretty sure she was behind some poisonous, pretty libellous letters sent to my now wife about me.

We got back to normal after they broke up but it was rough then.

I have been on the other side of it, back in my early 20s I was that toxic person.

Only child, and a rich kid, so didn't think I needed to work, ultimately I realised I was carrying a load of divorced parent baggage around with me.

I was with a girl, actually a series of girls, but one in particular that I treated like garbage. Everyone around me could see it, but I didn't.

Eventually she saw the light and got rid of me in a highly public and hurtful way, I completely deserved it. At the same time the rest of the friend group basically ghosted me (I never knew if it was intentional or not.) Again, I absolutely deserved it.

In hindsight, it was the best thing, I needed the wake-up call, after a period of depression, I got on with life, moved towns and treated people a lot better.

I carried the regret around with me for a long time. I lost people that would have been lifelong friends. But the lessons learned set me up for life.