When you rule the world

I’d include tea and coffee im the weights and measures act

I'd love all the girls
Wear diamonds and pearls
If I ruled the world

I'd be a merciful tyrant.

Id ban dysons, adult babies and top gear

Adult babies, as in adults that dress as babies of those that act like spoilt children? Both would be good to be honest. Once had a go with a Dyson ball hoover. Hateful unwieldy bag of shit

Strictly Come Prancing & any other similar telly drivel. Love Island? Get in the sea! (see what I did there)
Footballers? what he said ^^^. Politicians? what he said ^^^. Top Gear? what he said ^^^.
Helium balloons? I wouldn’t ban them but they’d £150.00 for the smallest ones.
Anyway, I haven’t got long enough to rant, I'm 66.

Instant ban on fireworks.

Make all gyms, swimming pools and fitness clubs free.

I'd also build a 50m pool and velodrome in every city. Also free.

I'd give everyone an extra day a week off but 4 hours of it needs to be done working in your community or for a charity.

Install lots more railways and only charge a nominal amount for fares.

Only have subsides for farmers that grow organic veg and raise their animals free range.

Ban flags

Ban alcohol spirits.

All beer to have a maximum alcohol amount of 2%, wine would be 5% alcohol

Have compulsory annual medical check ups for all. Would also be linked to your driving licence. So if you're unfit then your license is automatically revoked.

Free school meals, all cooked by trained chefs using local ingredients where possible.

Free childcare for those that are in work.

Build massive resorts for over 65's with great food, healthcare, exercise classes, coach trips, big gardens and nightly entertainment. It's free once you're in but would cost £100,000 each to join. That should free up the housing stock and ensure that the oldies get the best of care.

That was meant to be ban fags, I don't have anything against flags. Well some I do....

https://www.flickr.com/photos/cts56/4714694811/

😤

I'd bring about a Thunder Dome and feed most of the current and previous Cabinet into it.

Selling things that can't be repaired would be banned.

Nigel Farage would be locked in a room with midges for the rest of his natural life.

Trains would have the Guards van again or simply a dedicated cycle carriage.

Cycle racks/parking closer than the car parking spaces to the places you want to be. Complete with armed Guards.

Temporary disabled parking badges for injuries which will heal but are still a massive pain, such as broken leg, pelvis etc

Some other petty stuff I can't think of right now.

all takeaway containers to be a standard shape and size so lids and tubs are interchangeable.

Ban lorries over taking lorries on dual carriageways, one doing 59 mph and other doing 59.4mph for about 10 miles until it passes

That was meant to be ban fags, I don’t have anything against flags. Well some I do….

That's unusually un-PC language for this forum

Slash the road building budget, no more new roads. Rail, tram, bus, cycle and walking infrastructure only.

Legalise e-scooters.

Immediately start a full retrofit programme of insulation and solar/battery on existing houses and mandate that all new buildings have solar.

Anyone listening to music via tinny mobile phone loudspeakers, especially on public transport, would be put in the stocks and have said music blasted at them for a day. Very very loudly.

Everyone who voted Leave would be carted off and dumped on an island somewhere. There you go, you've left. That'd also free up some housing stock and resources to accommodate those in need.

Edit: the above is more of a UK thing than the world. I'll move onto the world when I've sorted out the UK...

Ban all radio shows, ban talking on the radio. Ban drivel and inanities spoken on the radio. Ban all advertising. Ban tinned music piped in shopping centres and politicians. Ban vaping and smoking. Double ban weed and music promoting weed. Ban music being forced upon those not willing to hear it. Ban working unsociable hours. Ban everything. Ban people. Ban the world. Maybe I'm getting old?

Any form of littering, immediate execution. People driving who start indicating as they turn, immediate execution. People driving who suddenly stop in the street to let someone out of a side road, yes you guessed it ...

I'm really liking the punch a politician too.

Two to add to the list:

* If you queue to pay for something in a shop for more than 3 minutes, the item becomes free.

* Lorries banned from overtaking lorries.

I’m not talking sensible things here.

Are you sure? I found myself nodding along in agreement.

Mandatory 360° cycle/pedestrian sensors in cars (and vans and trucks) which are intelligently linked to throttle/braking/steering (and door handles)

Mandatory driver licence re-test every 5 years (including mandatory cycling-in-traffic element).

Immediate re-test required for every motoring law broken.

I've got a much longer list if you are bored but the above will do for starters...

Oh. And a more left field suggestion...rain would only be allowed to fall between the hours of 2am and 5am. (I'm a bit of a snowflake about riding in the rain)

If I rule the world .... All those on STW who opposed my views will be sentenced to create good trance music with heavy bass for me to enjoy, then bow. (provided I enjoy) Failing that the best noise cancelling ear buds will be permanently inserted into their ears with Jamie Oliver talking to them repeatedly 24/7. The only voice they can hear is Jamie Oliver. With the ear buds everyone will sound like Jamie Oliver if they happen to make contact with others. The only TV programme they can watch is Jamie Oliver telling them how good he is at cooking. The only food they can eat will be Jamie Oliver ketchup "fried" rice. The only topic of conversation they can have is praising Jamie Oliver. If they still fail to comply then they will be sentenced to listen to Margret Thatcher and her speech especially the "No! No! No!" Then praise Thatcher.

Oh. And a more left field suggestion…rain would only be allowed to fall between the hours of 2am and 5am. (I’m a bit of a snowflake about riding in the rain)

Ooohh, oooohh, oooohh ... this, definitely this.

Plus, the rain is only allowed to fall over rivers, lakes, reservoirs, or grassy slopes leading into the rivers ...all singketrack and trails are banned from being rained on.

I’m liking the rain control and Thunderdome suggestion.

Nigel Farage would be locked in a room with midges for the rest of his natural life.

and an unpredictable bear. Just a small one like Paddington so it can hurt, but not kill, him.

Ooh! People with a cosh or similar small sized weapon to be stationed every one hundred metres in city and town centres. If you’re walking whilst talking on your phone, tucked near your chin on loud speaker like it’s a ****ing prop from a sci-fi movie, be prepared to have it smashed and possibly have a hurty hand for a bit.

I'd make upmarket Sausages and a bottle red wine a compulsory meal twice a week.

I’d also build a 50m pool and velodrome in every city. Also free.

Bit short for a velodrome but proably still fun.

all singketrack and trails are banned from being rained on.

They'd turn to dust very quickly without some rain, or are you also proposing some sort of irrigation system to keep them in tiptop condition?

I’m really liking the punch a politician too.

I think I'd turn that into a gameshow. Kind of like The Running Man or possibly Death Race 2000.

Any politician lying or breaking the law or accepting "donations" would be let loose in the wild and the public could pay to pursue them.

There'd be pay-per-view TV rights as well, it'd make an absolute fortune.

The punishment for littering and fly tipping will be to eat what you dump.

They’d turn to dust very quickly without some rain, or are you also proposing some sort of irrigation system to keep them in tiptop condition?

Yeah, I did think that.

Easiest would be just a moderate shower, between 2am-5am, once a week or so.

But, if we're going all in for madcap world control, then irrigation/sprinklers FTW.

Any politician lying or breaking the law or accepting “donations” would be let loose in the wild and the public could pay to pursue them.

But then there would be no politicians.

But, if we’re going all in for madcap world control, then irrigation/sprinklers FTW.

In my world anybody caught riding a road bike in replica professional kit would be imprisoned and placed on trail watering duty. They’d be issued a backpack like the one Adam Sandler has in The Water Boy and forced to walk around trails keeping them at just the right level of moisture.

I'd reintroduce capital punishment for two specific offences.

1. Menus describing a meal as a pie when it is in fact a stew with a hat.
2. Sales people abusing reflexive pronouns ("please don't hesitate to call myself").

I'd ban any TV program that was crap, had a competition or involved 'celebrities'.... i.e. the whole of ITV.

I'd make all walkers/ramblers have a bell. Possiblly like a cowbell tied round the neck.

You know those chipped and tuned street racers ?the owners would be forced to drive them into a crusher and press the crush now button I would let them get out first not a complete monster 😉fireworks can **** right off as well AND people🤯# miserable old gits

I’d reintroduce capital punishment for two specific offences.

1. Menus describing a meal as a pie when it is in fact a stew with a hat.

Also food served on what looks like a floor tile, chopping board or chips in a basket thing.

Serving over done steak would require the death of a first born but I like to hope they haven't reproduced.

People on planes who want to talk to you about their holiday when I'm flying off for work.
In fact, anyone who wants to talk to be in a public space that I am not a friend of.

Firstly I would standardise the shit out of things. Phone chargers, laptop chargers,

I don’t know how long ago it was that you actually bought a charger for a portable electronic device, but it’s been quite some time since USB-A was adopted and became pretty much universal, now joined by USB-C.

Or did you mean charging cables? Despite what politicians say, the two are actually different things - trying to push a USB-C cable into an electrical wall socket really won’t get you very far.

The punishment for littering and fly tipping will be to eat have what you dump thrown at you ,while being shackled in stocks.

Special heavy duty catapults could be used for larger objects like fridges and construction waste.
The people that hang dog shit bags on branches,would themselves be tied up in trees and showered with pig farm waste.

Nationalise everything that is essential; public transport by any means, energy, water and sewerage, communications networks and those health services (dental and optical) that are often private. Overhaul politics; Ban lobbying except in evidence to cross party committees. Ban donations to parties and have verifiable membership subs to fund them. Introduce PR STV voting system to encourage meaningful greener voting and replace every old duffer in the HoL with experienced public servants. Heavily tax luxuries and environmentally damaging goods, holidays and transportation. Increase tax rates for the uber wealthy, regardless of how they try to hide it. Want a UK passport? pay UK tax. Require construction companies to implement the latest green tech on all new builds. Stop building on green field sites when brown field sites lie unused. Heavily punish corruption in politics and money markets. Summon world leaders and do unto them as they do to others. Encourage consensus politics once I've killed all the bad guys. Legalise and regulate drugs with testing for all employees working in a safety related role. Secret lair in a volcano, white fluffy cat with bling collar and a lever operated opening bridge over the shark pool. Then on Tuesday...

1. Menus describing a meal as a pie when it is in fact a stew with a hat

I saw this thread and this was my first thought

All offenders to be hurled into a huge vat of gravy

Some form of daily exercise would be mandatory. Lifting pork pies/beer to eat/drink (etc) doesn't count. Everybody must eat salad twice a week. Every garden must have at least two trees in it. There should be at least one tree per person in towns and cities.

2. Sales people abusing reflexive pronouns (“please don’t hesitate to call myself”).

We could save time on that one you know, make the criteria more inclusive 😉

People who think they're... I don't know what they think... but people whose "ironic" roadman impersonations form more of their personality than being just a normal person. Capital punishment.

All C level executives (CEO, CFO, CTO etc.) required to do the lowest level job in their company for between 1 and 6 months a year on lowest salary in the company, length to be voted on by all other staff.

roadman impersonations form more of their personality than being just a normal person. Capital punishment.

With the hi-viz? I've heard the term road man but not sure exactly what it is. Aside some chap who works for the highways agency or local council.

This is rapidly turning into, 'if grumpy old men' ruled the world.

Everyone who voted Leave would be carted off and dumped on an island somewhere. There you go, you’ve left. That’d also free up some housing stock and resources to accommodate those in need.

Edit: the above is more of a UK thing than the world. I’ll move onto the world when I’ve sorted out the UK…

it would work everywhere in the world. if someone doesn’t agree with you, just cart them off to somewhere else!

australia would be where i’d suggest. nothing against australians, but it is a pretty remote

Overhaul politics; Ban lobbying except in evidence to cross party committees. Ban donations to parties and have verifiable membership subs to fund them. Introduce PR STV voting system to encourage meaningful greener voting and replace every old duffer in the HoL with experienced public servants.

I don't think you have thought this through. You would rule the world, what's all this political party and voting stuff?

With the hi-viz? I’ve heard the term road man but not sure exactly what it is. Aside some chap who works for the highways agency or local council.

It's a badman ting innit bruv you get me!?

Typical/frequent/loud exclamation coming from loudmouth sales person in building I work.

@sirromj Eating salad isn’t good for you according to Team Ineos (Dan Martin quote)

Out come the tyrants enforcing communism on the people.

communism

I don’t think you actually know what that means

Well that didn't take long to move from amusing to serious (and off the point) did it?
I will insist that every MTBer has to wear a different temed costume to any one else in the group. If two groups attend the same venue with a simialr outfit they have to mix and match until they differ. Socks must not be black or calf length as currently the fashion.
Jeans must revert to the traditional waist height above the crutch with back pockets where they should be. This will mean that people don't look as if they have legs 25% shorter than they are. It spoils nice legs!
Children will all do as one did for me yesterday at school. Feed me home made ginger bread. Other forms of goodies will be acceptable.
Mobile phone uses will have to prove that their need to carry them is essentail. A short, 5 year , period of evidence will be needed before a permit to carry will be issued.
The keeping of reciepts for supermarket shopping will be banned once the checkout is left. There will be an allocated space in all shops for checking accuracy of course. My wife will be the first person to suffer the forced removeal of such paperwork!
The phrase "for free" will be banned and there will be a severe penalty for its use. the correct phrase is "free of charge " which may be substituted by "free" with writte permission from my office which will not offer such permits free of charge.

Everybody must eat salad twice a week

There are limits to what anyone can be forced to endure.

COMRADES…. TO THE BARRICADES!!!

When I become emperor...

Amazon will be closed immediately. Jeff Bezos will be fired into space on his phallic rocket. Tesla will be closed. Fossil fuels aren't the problem, cars are. Elon Musk, rocket, space etc. Gigafactories and Amazon warehouses to be turned into massive drinking establishments.

Any country with an income disparity where the top 1% earn more than 10x the lowest earners will be cleansed and turned into a lovely park with benches and nice views, and pubs.

Every house must be within a 15 minute walk of a nice pub. One with a good range of hand pulled ales and good food cooked from scratch. Anyone wearing a football shirt at any time, either while in or outside of said pub, will be banned for life from all of them.

Tories to be shot on sight. Preferably from the comfort of a beer garden.

See what I mean? Serious.
But if you want that, no polititian can hold a post that they have no professional experience of in a prior life. Eg Sec for Ed must have been a teacher.
More importantly all cars must be programmed to go not a tiny bit faster than the posted speed limit. This will be paid for by a tax on any car I don't like, expecially those with indicators behind clear glass which are useless. Ditto inidcators which flash in any pattern except on or off. Series 3 Land Rovers will be the model approved for all indicators and retro fit will be mandatory.
Cycle forums will have no non cycling section and the CUK forum will have moderators who keep technical posts in the technical section not "does anyone know"

I'd ban cars from all roads, and then build (very slowly with no real plan) a series of narrow lanes next to the (now called) cycling highways, that stop and start illogically, are covered in dog poo, and littered with broken glass.

Rule 809 of the Highway code will instruct cyclists to alert their presence to car users using the following phrase (and only the following phrase).

"OH, I didn't see you there"

Only service and delivery vehicles allowed within a mile of all schools.Any vehicles trying to do a sneaky school run/drop off will have the occupants removed,the vehicles then have a large dome placed over them in a Monsters Inc style...and vaporized.

It’s a badman ting innit bruv you get me!?

Typical/frequent/loud exclamation coming from loudmouth sales person in building I work.

Ahh you mean Bellend. Understand now.

Wow some people have some ideas motivated by real problems but the suggestions don't have real lack of understanding or unintended consequences or require am extreme state that make China look like the land of the free.

My bullshit probably poorly thought out idea is not a new one but the requirement that all politicians are not allowed to have any job, or a role in a company or be significantl share holder in stock beyond pension fund stock holdings while in power. Also restricted from going into board level roles or consultancy outside an area which they were already an expert before entering politics for a period of five years.

During their period of office there would be high quality grace and favour flats provided for those outside of 1hr from Westminster and occasional stay hotel rooms for those within 1hr to cope with late night debates.
Before entering parliament their past would looked into. Not expecting a perfect past with no bad behaviour but an analysis to see potential conflicts of interest or holds people may have over them.

And free icream for all.

I don’t know how long ago it was that you actually bought a charger for a portable electronic device, but it’s been quite some time since USB-A was adopted and became pretty much universal, now joined by USB-C.

Plenty of laptops not able to fully run off USB c.

Same as last time this question was asked....

I would kill all manufacturers of "one size fits all" headwear, by means of a skull tourniquet of pianowire with a mechanised ratchet mechanism that spreads the death over many many hours.

Shoe manufacturers who restrict their sizing to sizes 48 and below, would merely be tortured for weeks, with a special provision in the law for manufactures who actually make sizes above 48 but have  a restrictive trade practise to prevent import into Europe, for those special cases I would have their feet chopped off, attached to a wheel that then spins and kicks them in the face repeatedly for eternity or longer.

Every MTB Internet site should have a working Search function and a simple to use classifieds section 🤟

Think it's been covered off already, but snipers strategically placed to shoot anyone who drops litter, doesn't pick up dog crap, or leaves a steaming bag of dog crap in a tree.

Obviously not a head-shot, that would be too quick a death. I'm thinking maybe knees so they can drag themselves home.

Obviously they'd have to pay for their own care on the NHS which would also be properly funded.

Ban, and actually enforce parking on the pavement (including the standard 2 wheels on, 2 off position). And whilst they're doing that we can actually enforce parking double yellow lines. This is will include delivery drivers and those who are "only dropping this of, guv". Vehicles that do this will be towed.

Related, any drivers who stop somewhere and put their hazards on will have their vehicles towed to a garage in the middle of no-where as it is assuming that the hazards mean the vehicle is broken down so need to be fixed.

Walkers will be actively encouraged (perhaps with a cattle prod) to walk in straight lines and not meander.

A "faffers lane" will be installed in all shops and bars. I will decide who uses it.

Anyone caught using a car for any journey under 2 miles that they could walk but choose not, to be kidnapped by the SAS and dropped at a remote location and told to walk home

Anyone being apparently surprised that payment is a key part of the transaction to complete the shopping experience shall enjoy a long stay in the scorpion pit.

Also any organisation with an establishment of over 10 shall have a 'Head of Cheese' as a mandatory employee.

Pretty sure that'll sort the world out. No point in overreaching.

I would kill all manufacturers of “one size fits all” headwear, by means of a skull tourniquet of pianowire with a mechanised ratchet mechanism that spreads the death over many many hours.

Defo!

Anyone being apparently surprised that payment is a key part of the transaction to complete the shopping experience shall enjoy a long stay in the scorpion pit.

I've been queuing for 10 min, oh I have to find my wallet hang on....

I would have a very large and complicated circuit for performance cars to negotiate with non safe obstacles. Starting with previous and current top gear presenters I would remotely give control of the throttles to five year old children.
All performance car enthusiasts would take part. The default position would be full throttle. All driving aids would be disabled well they are all above average drivers.

There'd be a strictly enforced period where Christmas decorations are permitted. Anything in ****ing November is right out and would result in the perpetrator being put in a dark hole throughout the festive period.

Same for Christmas adverts on TV.

I dont know if i would start by making all the essentials free or torturing people...... maybe both by making our local bus service free?

everyone gets a carbon allowance. Spend it as you will but once its gone you hop on the carousel

Tag cats food so with a simple scan by mobile phone their owners can be summoned to clean up their shit, failure to do so results in cat exploding in their kitchen next it returns home.

Anyone driving a car on a motor way or dual carriageway that is fitted with cruise control who doesn't use said cruise control will be banned from driving for life.

Anyone who says 'he's only being friendly' when their dog assaults someone to be banned from dog ownership for life, likewise anyone who says 'he's never done that before' when their dog bites someone. Maybe they'll also have to do some time in the scorpion pit.

Anyone who says 'but what about bacon' to a vegetarian will be forced to eat nothing but completely unseasoned vareniki for the rest of their life.

No charitable status for religions or public schools, state education to be properly funded and teachers properly rewarded (no, I'm not a teacher)

Decent public transport and cycling facilities, obvs.

Compared to some suggestions above, I think mine are fairly benign:
Re-nationalise all utilities.
People who litter would be tarred and feathered.
Employ some Dutch and Danish people to sort out our cycling infrastructure
Employ some Swiss and Japanese people to sort out our public transport
Ban those extending dog lead/canine trip wire things
Ban those massive vape tank things that look like Metal Mickey's phallus and give off enormous clouds of fruity-smelling hideousness
Ban anything/anyone from ITV Be
Minor motoring offences (such as parking on the pavement, or not between the lines) - slap on the wrist (literally)
More serious motoring offences - car crushed
Repeat motoring offences - keel hauled

Failing that the best noise cancelling ear buds will be permanently inserted into their ears with Jamie Oliver talking to them repeatedly 24/7. The only voice they can hear is Jamie Oliver. With the ear buds everyone will sound like Jamie Oliver if they happen to make contact with others. The only TV programme they can watch is Jamie Oliver telling them how good he is at cooking. The only food they can eat will be Jamie Oliver ketchup “fried” rice. The only topic of conversation they can have is praising Jamie Oliver. If they still fail to comply then they will be sentenced to listen to Margret Thatcher and her speech especially the “No! No! No!” Then praise Thatcher.

😲 The rest of you are amateurs compared to this sick puppy. That's next level evil, that.

Anyone taking a dog into a kids' play area shall be forced to stand atop a dog turd smeared climbing frame in a Hyena enclosure whilst the keepers yell 'he's friendly!' as the slavering hell-dogs prowl around them. Fun fact: they haven't been fed in 2 weeks

Mandatory national customer service: Every person is forced to work in a call centre or behind a till in a customer facing role for a period no less than 1 year after they leave school, in order to give them some perspective as to the sort of crap these people have to put up with, and why it's almost always Not Their Fault. After this they'll have their broadband cut and have to call their ISP. Anyone who's nice to the beleaguered phone staff gets their broadband back. Anyone who rants, or is a dick, has to redo the past year.

Anyone who rants, or is a dick, has to redo the past year.

Perpetual loop for me then ☹️

Oh ya ... as I rule the world I will create new rules as I wish as I continue my reign. Non of this malarkey trying to plan in advance. LOL!

As I said starting with STW lot where you will also be sent to Jamie Oliver school of reformation. There you will learn to use the term "pukka this or that" in all sentences or conversation.

When you are having a sexy time with your partner, you can only hear Jamie Oliver saying pukka in your ear buds and the voice of Jamie Oliver. Your partner have to wear Jamie Oliver face mask while having a sexy time with you, then constantly repeat "pukka". At the start and end of the day you will have to spend an hour minimum praising Jamie Oliver.

oh ya ... I have nothing against Jamie Oliver or his cooking. LOL!

Hmmm, I'll just add "compel STW to implement an ignore feature to silence certain users" 😉

Some suggestions on here are way too serious. A new one I’ve thought of is some sort of hydraulic ram with a giant comedy sized boxing glove or hand on the end. These are to replace the central reservation on all motorways and punchor slap vehicles back in to the left hand lane if they’re pissing about in the other two and not actually overtaking anything.

This will get some hatred so here goes! EBikes only to be used for commuting, by old people or by those with injuries that impact their ability to ride a proper bike. Anybody found to be flaunting this law is to have rollerblades grafted on to their feet.

Mandatory national customer service

This is a fantastic idea!

I’m staring to think that chewkw has ‘feelings’ for Jamie Oliver.

I’m staring to think that chewkw has ‘feelings’ for Jamie Oliver.

All feelings for Jamie Oliver gone the moment he made ketchup fried rice, pukka! LOL!

Alternatively they can be punished with Maggie Thatcher voice, 'No! No! No!' and 'You turn if you want to. The lady's not for turning!', repeatedly even when having sexy time. LOL!

Only Chewkw could imagine "sexy times" and Margaret Thatcher in the same instance...lol