[Closed] When and how to tell ex-wife that I am expecting?

Go round in a T-shirt with  "who's the daddy" on.....

See what happens 🙂

Why the hell are you asking us?  You're the one who knows the woman!

Tell her then your son straight after.

I'd say start with the conversation with you son. let him know that he's going to have a brother / sister and that will be exciting. and that no matter what he will still be loved just as much as he is no and that will not change.

then maybe explain that his mum may not be happy and the reasons why not. and that this is perfectly normal and in no way does it reflect on the love you will both show and have for him.

then bite the bullet and tell her. if she is upset and changes her attitude towards you, you can face it and at least your son will know why mummy's a bit upset and he's not to blame.

good luck and congratulations, 4130

Your son's well being is also your ex-Wifes responsability.

You should talk to her about the new baby and discuss, between you, how best to tell your son.

Your son is the one you still have the relationship with so I'd tell him first. So tell him when you next see him then tell your ex when you drop him off.

Obviously you'll need to explain to him that the first ting he says to his mum isn't "Im going to have a brother/sister" or that kind of ruins the stage management of it. If she's the happy sort she'll be pleased for you regardless of what order you do it in and if she's not nothing you do will change that.

Best of luck and well done on everything still working.

How good is the relationship with her. Id telll her first, going down the line that you need to tell your son, but want her to know first.

Thanks guys.

And yes, a mixed bag of responses more or less going down the exact chains of thought I was having.

I'm flitting between 'he's my son and my relationship is with him so ill tell him first' and, 'its respectful to tell her first'

I strongly suspect she would not show me the same respect, I also suspect that she may decide to pi$$ on my reveal by telling my son first before I have the opportunity to enjoy the moment. Hence considering telling him myself, first. But i'm also willing to rise above.

Gah.

"or just letting him tell his mother"

Definitely not this. If you've not got the balls to do it yourself as a fully grown adult, don't go making it an 8-year-olds problem.

I think you've missed my point andybanks, but I appreciate yours.

Pick kid up.

Put him in car.

"Wait a minute, son. I just need to talk to your Mummy for a minute"

Tell ex wife.

Get in car and drive away.

Regardless of her reaction you can now tell your son in your own time and in your own way  already having told his mum first and allowing you to tell him if his mum is going to be happy about it.

....or not.

If it were me, I'd tell my daughter and my ex together.

I had a similar situation ..I told my daughter first then her mam and also told her what her mams reaction was likely to be ..

You have already said that there is general animosity between you and your ex ..so why give her the opportunity to turn what is happy news into something different by telling her first .

Congratulations .

If it were me (0 experience) I'd (with new partner) be telling son with his mother there, don't exclude her but make it clear it's your news, for your child, and her being included in that is a courtesy.

"then maybe explain that his mum may not be happy and the reasons why not."

I disagree. You don't know how she is going to react , hence asking us, its unfair on all involved to jump to conclusions, Tell her straight, she is an adult, then tell your son.

Congratulations!

EDIT: what JAG said

I also suspect that she may decide to pi$$ on my reveal by telling my son first before I have the opportunity to enjoy the moment. Hence considering telling him myself, first. But i’m also willing to rise above.

How do you know it's going to be an enjoyable moment for him?. Essentially some other kid is going to get his Dad full time, whilst he is just a visiting guest to some other family's home maybe one day a week. I've seen it tear a relationship apart, a boy so jealous of his half brother that he was willing to destroy his relationship with his Mum in order to go and live with his Dad. I'm certain that if the half brother hadn't come on the scene, it would have been completely different. just warning

You are not expecting, your partner is.

"I strongly suspect she would not show me the same respect, I also suspect that she may decide to pi$$ on my reveal by telling my son first before I have the opportunity to enjoy the moment. Hence considering telling him myself, first. But i’m also willing to rise above"

If she does this then it is her **** up, not yours. But I suspect she won't as it will leave you with a massive advantage in your relationship (yes you do still have one, she is your son's mother!!). It is also very satisfying to give people the benefit of the doubt as nine times out of ten they will surprise you by doing the right thing, and by showing trust you are strengthening your relationship with her.

Assuming that she will do something negative is, by itself, creating a negative because she will be miffed that you didn't tell her first and it will further erode your mutual trust, so that is a definite lose. Better to take the risk for a positive!! 🙂

Mother first, then son. Otherwise she'll see son as being used as a pawn.

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<p style="margin: 1rem 0px !important; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: unset; vertical-align: baseline; background: transparent; line-height: 1.2em;">Why the hell are you asking us?  You’re the one who knows the woman!</p>

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Well, is her name Louise?

Thanks Brick..

B.A.Nana - he's spoken openly in the past about wanting a brother or sister (pref. brother). I know him well enough to expect he'll be happy about the news, and I always go out of my way to ensure he feels at home when he stays with us - he has his own room and I constantly reinforce his inclusion.

He's my first born and will always be made to feel completely loved by both his parents/families. I trust that he won't become jealous, but i'll cross that bridge if and when. I think/hope the age gap of nearly 9 years will probably help rather than hinder his relationship with his new sibling. He's a very well rounded kid, bright as a button.

I should add that part of the reason I've been anxious is that its been assumed all round that this issue wouldn't ever arise - my partner was told that she couldn't have children many years ago and is now 41 - so we are still getting used to the news ourselves. In the only conversation I've had in the past with my ex about my current partner, she was told as much. I'll be needing to purvey the sheer surprise, as I imagine she will assume I was lying during that previous conversation.

Hang on a few hours. I'll tell my ex that I'm expecting*, see what she says. Then you'll know exactly what to do.

*It will be a lie

thanks shermer, wise words.

I'm erring towards telling her first for those reasons - I can't help assuming the worst, but my assumptions are generally founded in experience. It's mainly the case that I'd prefer it to be a personal moment between me and my son - and there isn't really an easy situation I can arrange where I can take his mum to one side and tell her (we meet at an arranged place each weekend for pick-up / drop-off) without him being present. Especially if she doesn't react well initially.

I can't get the quote function to work but what perchypanther said is almost precisely how I did it when my son was also 8 years old.

I don't speak to my ex wife AT ALL any more but that's because my son is now 22 and I don't have to, not because of how I broke the news to her. 😀

Tell your son.

Don't bother with the ex, your son will fill in that blank for you.

That's how I did it anyway.

Firstly, congratulations! 🙂 🙂

I've been in your exact situation.

Tell your son first, he'll have mixed emotions but he's your priority and your ex is nothing to do with this new addition to your family.

Definitely do not tell your ex prior to your son visiting.

Be aware that this could / will probably make her worse. Your son will soon be hearing all sorts of negative, manipulative and intentionally alienating things about your new baby/partner from your ex.

My ex told me that she was pregnant and wanted my input on when to tell the kids, no idea why as we never talk and she's never asked me about anything else.

Kind of seemed pointless really as it was starting to get obvious anyway

Tell your son before anyone else. He's all that matters, don't let him find out through a third-party.

Surprised you have to ask!

it is no business at all for your ex.

I'd just tell your son, let the ex figure it out herself.

After all there is nothing she can do about it so why give her the news to manipulate you or your son with first!

Tell mumsy first dude.

Your ex, then your son...will be shit then good.

Your a medical phenomenon... you are expecting ?

**** me, Demi Moore's let herself go.

What does your current partner think? How Em would she want if handled if if were the other way round?

Whilst your son & new partner are the most important, being considerate to the mother if your first child is also in the long term.

what perchy said

tell her first but in a way that means you can tell him first straight afterwards. Possibly not in the car in case she runs out to stop you taking him if she if is of that mindset.

Congrats to you all

Sit her down and tell her that you are only going to be able to give her half as much child support starting in just under nine months time and play it by ear from then on . 🙂

watching with interest!

Just back from seeing the little blighter wriggling around on the screen at ultra-sound appointment.

Hits you like a sledgehammer. Reality check!

All present and correct, feeling blessed.

Am likely to attempt a ''can I have a quiet word'' moment with the ex when I next collect my son, which won't be for another week yet, but i'll provide feedback.

If it were me then I would tell the ex before your son, but this can be done with a phone call once he is with you next.  That way you have shown her the respect of giving her a heads up, you're not leaving your son to deal with her (possibly adverse) initial reaction, and she can't spoil the moment of you telling your son.  If she reacts well, then perhaps you could discuss with her whether it would be better to wait until all three of you are together to break the news to your son - in an ideal world it would be better to present a united positive front so that your son knows he can honestly discuss any feelings he has about the matter with either parent.

I'd tell me ex first by letting her know that your (as in you and ex's) son will soon have a brother/sister so it will have an impact on her.  Put yourself in her shoes, how would you like to be told

I'm not sure I understand the posts saying "your relationship is with your son and not your ex".

Once you have a child with someone your lives are inextricably linked whether you like it or not surely?

anything to report

D-Day is this Saturday

I’m not sure I understand the posts saying “your relationship is with your son and not your ex”.

Once you have a child with someone your lives are inextricably linked whether you like it or not surely?

Quite.

Not really sure what to say to that one, which is why I ignored it first time round.

I think the implied thought process is that my son is the important one if this dynamic. I've spoken to several divorcees on this point, and i don't think its coincidence that they all tend to tow the 'tell your son and don't worry about her' line.

The only trouble with that is that if she is manipulative, she will have an awful lot of time to make it seem like your son is going to be worse off as a result.

Can you not tell him when she's dropping him off (or you're collecting)? Then she'll have to behave more appropriately because he needs support in this scenario.

Yes, the plan is to tell him to wait in the car whilst I have a quick word with mum. My main concern is that she reacts badly (for whatever reason) and accuses me of backing her into a position where she has no time to respond.

I'll give her more credit though, and hope for a decent outcome.

keep us posted plese

The thing is, it's not about her. He's the one gaining a sibling. She's just his mum. And he's eight, not four. I'd say to them both that you want to talk to them together about something important and you want his mum to be there so she can help with any questions or worries that he might have when he isn't with you. If you say that to both of them, it's puts the onus on her to focus on her role as being his mum and should stop her behaving like your ex.

Won't she be a bit surprised that your sex change was so effective?

If you expect a bad initial reaction, it makes sense to take the hit yourself than let Jr break the news.

If you can't do the "sit Jr in the car, then break it to her" thing, perhaps give her a call from yours when Jr is there, but out of his earshot. Maybe phrase it as "this is the news we're about to break to Jr" to make it clear you're not really expecting or interested in her personal reaction.

Least ways, she'll have some time to get her head around it before you or junior have to see her face to face. I don't know what kind of character your ex is but I guess you know best whether to pre-empt any of the potential downsides she may highlight to your son. I think I'd steer clear of being so direct as to say to Jr "your Mum will have a problem with it"...

Yes, fair comment.

I've been thinking about priming him a little less directly, as in ''what do you think your mum will feel about this?''

and if he says 'she'll be happy!', then perhaps offer him a slightly alternate viewpoint with reasons why.

If he's able to acknowledge any reasons that could make her feel sad about it, I can then approach how we he thinks he should react around her.

You just going to leave us hanging?!

Bump

Bump

Brief, delphic and yet actually totally truthful.  I like it

OP, send ^ that

OP, send ^ that

Seconded. Perfectly succinct.

@SlimJim78

What did you do and how did it go, bud?

tell her the next time you see her or talk to her same goes for your son.  seems like a lot of stress for nothing.

Think I would agree with posh above. You’ve been in a new relationship for a few years so everyone has had time to get used to it so I wouldn’t worry too much about the fall out. I am sure if your ex is that bothered she will already be expecting the news. Your lad will be right as long as you talk to him.