[Closed] Whats the funniest thing you've ever said

There's a video from a party years ago of a mate dancing the loon. I'm in the side view talking to someone. I remember at the time saying something very funny and the guy I'm talking to evidences this by completely creasing up in stitches. It was maybe my finest moment but i can't remember what i said

EDIT: and then there was a comment about the size of 34t cassette cogs being the same as 34t chain wheels.

😆

Wish i could have thought of something like that when our american overlords arrived and tried to reinvent the wheel.

Mainly by using made up words and a selection of bullshit bingo phrases.
Wish they'd sent somewon who actually understood the business rather than coming here as a step up on the corporate ladder........

I was going to use the loo at a Japanese friend's cottage. She explained that since they had no plumbing it was a chemical loo or I was free to go outside. I asked if they called it the 'chemi-khazi'?
I thought it was quite funny but I got a slap round the chops.

Sat eating tea with my family (when I was about 15) and someone made a comment about our dad eating too much, to which he replied that he was still watching his weight.

I responded with 'yes, you're watching it go up'.

Op 😀

Playing cricket - we were fielding, and the opposing batters did a tip and run nearly leading to a run out. The older batsman admonished his partner with 'Don't be calling me for sharp singles like that at my age'

I responded with 'At your age I wouldn't risk buying green bananas'

Everyone agreed it was the funniest sledge that over.

I'd been with my partner for a few months and she'd stayed over at my place that night..

In the morning I quietly got out of bed to make us some tea..

'where are you going' she sleepily enquired..

With no hesitation I replied completely deadpan

'to the gym'

I like to think I always make brilliant comments but I suspect otherwise. Once however at a group lunch in the pub my stunningly attractive and very blonde. studio junior made one of her classic silly statement. I couldn't stop myself saying "Well at least we know you don't dye your hair" whereupon the guy sat at the table next to us who had been checking her out choked on his beer and then fell off his chair.
He left red-faced seconds later.

In complete bad taste, I know, but Mrs SR's best friend (call her 'L') had gone to Japan to teach English. While there, another, mutual friend ('J') stayed with L for a month, but disappeared without a trace. J then showed up in Los Angeles, having been drugged and used as a mule to smuggle drugs into the USA. Consequently, and out of fear for her safety, L was required to cut her teaching stint short and return to Canada.

When the dust had settled from this series of crazy events, L was visiting Mrs SR and me and showing us pictures. Coincidentally, toward the end of her time in Japan, L's camera battery had begun running out, and she hadn't bothered to replace it (this was in the days of film). So, while the early photos were all nice enough, the latter photos all became blurry, with horizontal lines running across each of them.

When I saw this, I quipped that it was obvious those were the photos she took toward the end of her visit. 'Why?' she asked. 'Because they look like you took them while you were running for the plane,' I said.

L left, and it was 10 years before she and Mrs SR were in contact again.

I still laugh today. 😀

Apparently the funniest thing I ever said in a business meeting was "there's no need to go to the far end of a fart". I thought it was normal parlance.

Though I'm told the funniest thing I've DONE is my impression of drinking Napoleon Brandy without getting my lips wet (Peter Sarstedt reference).

I actually think the original elephant quote is funnier than the OP's joke - i would have pissed myself if someone said that in a meeting. Top comedy.

Not quite said but done. There is a local ski hill with a lift that runs a few times in the winter. You can hire skis from a outdoor centre a few miles away.
After returning the gear that was rented, my BIL needed a wee. We were sitting in the car 20ft away from the front of the centre and there was about 25 or more people queuing to return their gear.
Just have one on the back wheel of the car, no one can see. I said.
So knob in hand, full flow, I drove off leaving him facing the startled crowd.

50p a ride, 3 for a quid.*

*You REALLY had to be there.

Love the elephant joke OP. Mine is probably not that funny, but mtb specific so relevant.

Missus is an ecologist, who was going to be setting out monitoring equipment for bat surveys up the Golfie over EWS weekend. The equipment is essentially a large calibrated recording device which records the bat "clicks", which are then used to identify the bat species present etc.

When she told me about it, and how it worked, I said "Main clicks you're going to be recording, will be from all the Hope free hubs................"

I was quite pleased with it, unlikely to ever be applicable again.

Probably another 'you had to be there' but, this is one that sticks in my mind.

Took my mum to the hospital for some test or other. Walked up to the sub-reception she'd been sent to, and before we'd said a word the receptionist opened with "have you come about your eyes?"

I spun round in the opposite direction in faux-surprise and went "who said that?!" The receptionist went to pieces, she was still giggling by the time we were leaving.

I had to leave the perfume department of Debenhams due to a colossal sneezing fit. As I stepped onto the pavement I was accosted by a vagrant saying "Big Issue".

I said "I'd rather have a big tissue..."

It made us both laugh at the time, but with hindsight... 😕

I'm funny all the time, I can't help it. But my best formal joke ever:

After Scottish independence, we'll use a new currency tied to the pound- we'll call it the Tillicoultry, it's near Sterling. Limmy liked that joke and Susan Calman stole it so it's Elite Level.

I'm acutely aware that I'm not actually as funny as I think I am.

I suspect I'm not alone.

If I manage to be witty it's mainly down to saying something vaguely funny at exactly the right time. The OP's is impressive as it's still funny when written down.

I've been told the funniest thing I've ever said on STW is:

"I went seal clubbing once. The only dance they know is Big Fish Little Fish..."

Playing poker with some schoolfriends.
Someone asked "What does a flush beat?"
I answered "Fishing it out with your hand"

It was perfectly timed and funny but also gave me one of those massive laughter fits (the ones where you think if you laugh anymore your stomach muscles will give out and you can't speak).

A massive overreaction, but still good times :O)

That my former boss didn't have friends, for tax reasons. The client who'd just mentioned "[boss'] friends" laughed really loudly, the boss didn't.

I like to think I'm funny too but as above probably not as funny as I think. I can be very quick though and a vaguely funny remark can be appreciated if it is delivered instantly.

Not particularly my funniest line but one that was totally off the cuff and sticks in my mind was when Janet in the office said 'why is this photocopier humming?'.

Instantly I responded 'cos it doesn't know the words'. She cracked up and I was quite proud of it.

The zoo/elephant line is a great one.

I can be very quick though and a vaguely funny remark can be appreciated if it is delivered instantly.

This is my downfall, the need for the 'witty' response to be instant, most of my instant responses are close to the knuckle / inappropriate and while I might find them funny I often just get a 'look', except for a few friends who share the same warped sense of humour.

There was one time when we all having a meal in the bar at Cobdens about 15 years ago, a mate ordered poached pear for dessert. When the attractive young waitress brought it over I commented "that's a nice pair". She knew what I meant, blushed but found it amusing. The rest out our group burst out laughing. It's always easier to amuse people after a few pints.

Don't give up the day jobs Chaps! 😉

Many years ago, the pub after a game of fives. The conversation turns to people's ages. One fella - nice guy but a bit 'special' - says 'I was born in 1969'.

I innocently remarked 'That's the year they went to the moon'. Then in a flash followed up with 'Did they bring you back?'.

I struggled to keep a straight face as the table collapsed for a good few minutes. Just that perfect combination of timing, company, and booze. never to be repeated.

[i] Stevet1 - Member

I'm not claiming to be a very witty person but this morning I made a comment which probably represents the pinnacle of my comedy offerings.
After a briefing from management on tackling a big infrastructure project there was a discussion in the office around the various turns of phrases used in the meeting. One of which was 'You don't eat an elephant whole, you chop it up into bite size chunks and make elephant burgers'. This was from a new manager. Someone in the office asked what he used to do before he joined our organisation.

'He got fired from the zoo' was my reply.

I know it's bad form to laugh at your own jokes but it's still making me chuckle now. [/i]

That's the sort of thing I usually say. And when I say it, it's usually deadpan because I'm not saying it to be funny, it's what I am actually thinking, but out-loud 🙂

Having a conversation with my mate in the pub, when an ample breasted lady walked in, and he said "I love tits" to which i I replied "so much so you've decided to grow a pair of your own"

He didn't speak to me for a week

When my colleague dropped our brand new, one-off in the world, very expensive proof-of-principle prototype machine we'd just made and were about to show off to the entire company before sending it to a trade show to show to the world. [i]"Holy Mother of F***"[/i]

Afterwards, when it still worked, we did laugh about it. At the time though, it really, really wasn't funny.

While working my notice at at a call centre company in my early 20's I answered the phone with a simple, hello.

The caller went into a ranting tirade about the correct way to answer the phone at the company finishing with, do you know who this is? I said no and he announced that he was in fact the MD. I asked if he knew who I was, he said no, so I said, well **** off then.

Happily I left two days later.

OK... this one wasn't me but it was pretty sharp..

I was stood in the queue at the local Subway sandwich bar behind the smelly and dishevelled figure of the town drunk (my best mate)

Looking like a proper oldschool tramp with one blind eye, no teeth and filthy matted hair and beard, it's not often that he receives much attention from a good looking lady so it was a bit of a surprise when the girl serving him salaciously drawled the standard Subway question 'a foot long?' with a naughty smile and a wink..

Without batting an eyelid he fired back gruffly

'why? a foot deep?'

My mate was having a semi-rant about metrosexuals, saying they were "wannabe gays but they didn't have the balls to actually be gay", he then went on to say how he had "no problem with gay men...blah di blah...it still can't always be easy in this day and age... in fact I take my hat off to them"

and which point I interjected with...

"but not your trousers"

we both chuckled.

The other one I remember, from at least 15 years ago, was in a French windsurfing shop buying a second-hand sail, when mid-conversation I come out with the French phrase "une autre tete peut-etre?", which was perfectly appropriate and acceptable in the context, but made both Monsieur et moi chortle and repeat it several times over.

Vous deviez être là. 😐

"I do". 😆

I was chairing a fairly serious meeting at work (why I was chair god knows) and we reached a case which involved a department that supported people with very bad mobility issues. After hearing the report all I said was 'well this one's got legs, which is unusual for that department'......

I know what I meant, but unfortunately the some of the others round the table were crying with laughter. Bad man, I know.

Walking home late from a club, on my own as usual and completely rat arsed.
Police keep driving past me, up and down the road three or four times. Stopping turning round and going past.
Waiting for me to either keel over or do something stupid.
They drive towards me, I start waving and gesticulating, they pull up next to me,
"alright mate, is there a problem?" says the copper.

DT's Sluuuring heavily "You want to turn your headlights on mate"

I laughed myself all the way home.

Have I missed read the thread title?

Do you lot realise your telling people on the internet your funny 🙄

Yeah, but at least we can spell.

another really funny comment,you should think of going on stage 😆

Rory Brenner liked a joke of mine on Twitter, I was smug for days.

another really funny comment,you should think of going on stage

Always start a sentence with a capital letter & use the space bar! Anyway, I digress....

Family meet up one Xmas at BIL house & Eastenders is on, with Ian Lavender playing a part, someone says either 'who is he?' or 'who are you?' & I shout out........?
Answers on a post card please.

When I was younger (14), we were having a family dinner and discussing several things the conversation was around a dam in japan that had just been built, my old man was musing about the engineering feat and the size of this thing, and how many billion gallons it held etc.

The conversation moved on to talk about the latest sports results or whatever, then it moved on to food and hot curry, my mother being the as crass as she is was talking about how it was always hotter on the way out than on the way in. My sisters boyfriend at the time said that apparently the trick was put your arse in a bowl of milk, to which my sister asked "Yeah but where do I find a bowl big enough for my arse?", quick as you like I just casually said "I think they just built a dam in Japan".

Lady at work got a phone call from her daughter who was being made redundant.
Lady agrees to meet daughter for lunch, and will text her time and place.
Puts down phone and asks office for recomendations of where to go for lunch near to xyz.
'Job Center' was my deadpan reply.
I'm here all week , unfortunatly.

Not me, but it was funny. Working in the US we were talking about Bill Clinton, someone made a comment about him and finished it off with "...but his heart was in the right place." Quick as a flash my colleague said "even if his penis usually wasn't". I laughed like a drain, our American friends were shocked.

Remember when Ron Atkinson got done for racism? Lads at work were talking about how he'd been so apologetic, and as part of his rehabilitation he had signed up for a TV series where he went round the world looking at racism in different countries and suggesting how they might combat it, "a bit like Gordon Ramsay does with shit restaurants".

I said, "What's it called? 'Ron Atkinson's 'N' Word'?"

In the office kitchen and a couple of guys (normally great mates) come in having some sort of blazing row with each other. After a few minutes they both pause to gather new insults, and I piped up with

"I think it's cute the way you two flirt with each other".

Actually went some way towards defusing the tension thank goodness. Although now that it's written down it really doesn't seem all that...

[i]BIL house & Eastenders is on, with Ian Lavender playing a part, someone says either 'who is he?' or 'who are you?' & I shout out........?
Answers on a post card please.[/i]

Don't tell them Pike!

I was at a clay shooting competition waiting for with our team to shoot on a particular stand. In front of us was a father and son, and the dad shot first. He was pretty mediocre, hitting about half the targets. His lad stepped into the cage and with the style and grace of someone who had been professionally coached proceeded to turn every single target into balls of dust. Dad turned to us proudly and said "Taught him all I know!" To which I replied "****ing good job he wasn't listening then...."

i was funny once.....

many years ago when i was at uni after we finished playing football we would always go to the same pub for post match drinks and banter.
this particular evening the banter included taking the piss out of one of the lads over his recent conquest
the girl in question was on the large side...everyone knew her as she worked behind the SU bar
the piss taking got to the point where someone asked to see the burn marks off the light bulb on his backside...to which i asked "you left the lights on??"

Thread subtitle: you had to be there

My Dad had to go into hospital to have a polyp removed from his lower bowel (turned out to be benign).
At his pre-surgery consultation he was asked by the surgeon if he had any questions about the procedure.
Dad, "Will I be able to ride a unicycle afterwards?"
Surgeon, "Yes, no problem but I'd give it a couple of weeks after the operation"
Dad, "Oh, that's excellent, I've always wanted to be able to do that"

Mum (with a weary look) confirmed that this exchange actually took place.

My Dad was 78 at the time.

He's now 81, going strong and still can't get the hang of unicycling.

My 12 year old shouting down the stairs.
"Dad"
"Dad"
"Whats up?" I ask
"You smell!" 12 yo and friends giggling..
"I can wash,you're ugly" me and friends of my 12yo laughing

My mum in front of me, my other half and the estate agent:

"unfortunately your buying at the bell-end of the market"

I think she meant top end.

Walking across the Hospital carpark. wearing Bright blue NHS polo shirt with a huge NHS logo and NHS name badge and horrible NHS blue porting trousers.

This posh bint in a chelsea tractor winds down her window and looks me up and down
"excuse me, do you work here"
I hesitate thinking "nah just I dress in this sweaty itchy crap stretch nylon for laughs" but I actually reply politely " Well yes I do"
"Oh good" say she "do you know where the neurology department is ?"
So I gives my best stupid look and takes off me cap and scratches me head.
"Lady I don't even know where the OLD rology deptartment is"

Window up - roars off

So I'd like to think I'd won Facebook with this little gem earlier....
Somebody posted the content of her child's diaper/nappy in which the faeces were smudged into a perfect cross,the mother somewhat tongue in cheek (no pun intended) suggested it was proof of the Lords existence which prompted heated discussions regarding blasphemy and all things religious.
My input,of which I'm still extremely proud,just one word-Skidmata.