[Closed] What unwritten rules do you have at home?

I can almost smell the bacon being cooked at your house, now that you're out of the way 😀

Narrows eyes in scaredypants general direction.

Ponders how they know my wife so well.

Gets distracted by kittens on the internet. Tee hee, it thinks it's people.

no questions or statements about diary entries until second coffee of the morning.

Anything like: "and dont forget you're picking the kids up at 4:23pm from the third house on the left, the one with the red door, on Acacia Avenue, and remember to take 2 packed lunches and their swimming kit...." will be filed in the mental rubbish bin otherwise. And I can plead de-caffination in defence.

6:00pm is beer o'clock
7:00pm is wine o'clock

Do you mean the rules that apply to me or the rules that apply to her? Because they're quite different, if not completely contradictory.

Stuff left on the stairs to be taken up later, must never be taken up later

if we're down to our last few quid and have run out of tobacco and wine, tobacco wins, even though I'm the only smoker in the household

It's funny how some of these rules are universal.

No politics 😕

She can't help just repeating what her dad has told her or what she's read in some Murdoch tabloid, and I can't help being a patronising dick about it 🙁

We get on brilliant apart from that though! 😀

No sex.

Never ask why Daddy has so many bikes.

If those beans ain't Heinz Beanz, they ain't coming in this house.

House calendar rules:

1/ Anything written on by the wife is sacrosanct.
2/ Husband may not add events to calendar without wife's approval.
3/ Wife may have added events to calendar without actually writing them on the calendar, but if they're in her mind then they count.
4/ Events in husband's mind do not exist until they have been added to calendar (rule 2 applies)
5/ Wife may randomly delete events from calendar without notice. This can either be done physically or just in her mind.
6/ Any conflicts, wife has casting vote.

"It's fine" does not mean "it's fine".

If I happen to trump, it is deemed to be disgusting.
I say I'm allowed to trump in the bathroom, the garage, or anywhere outside. This is met with suspicion and grudging acceptance. But it's not funny. Laughing at my own is not allowed or tolerated.
Any slightly odd or out of place smell is questioned -
"Have you trumped?"
"No dear. We've been through this before, there's always an amusing sound before you need to prepare for any niffs with mine"
"Hmmmmmmmm...."

However....

If Mrs PP is to trump then none of the above applies. No apologies and usually no warning amusing noise.
And of course it's hilarious and prompts fits of giggles which can provoke even more trumpage.
And of course the stench from a (veggie...) ladies trumps can peel the wallpaper and fog up double glazing on occasion which is obviously not as bad as it seems or even surprising apparently.....

🙂

If I'm hungover then that day is a good day to do "stuff", often involving vacuum cleaning or shopping.
If she's hungover then quiet is to be maintained at all times and all plans are cancelled.

No cakes,biscuits,confectionery or alcohol to be consumed on the premises.
Person carrying the most body fat makes the tea.

The toilet roll must be replaced when last piece used with with the loose leaf at the front not the back. The consequences of not doing this are too awful to contemplate so I comply

"It's fine" does not mean "it's fine".

There are 2 words you never ever ever want to hear pass the lips of anyone female....

"I'm fine"

Apparently there are unwritten rules regarding rubbish for better half. She can have a sort out of her stuff in the lounge, but instead of taking the rubbish outside to the wheelie bin, recycled can be dumped in in the kitchen recycling bin without being flattened so it it overflowing and the lounge general bin can be left with bits twice the height of the basket for days. Plus bags of guinea pig waste must sit at the top of the stairs for days.

I have to count to ten, very regularly, to stop myself having a major go at her!

The main ones are:

1. She's entitled to lose her car keys/purse/phone/all of them with dizzying frequency and it's my task to provide my car/credit card/phone/all of them on demand and without delay irrespective of whether I'm leaving the house to go to work/ordering something online/speaking to my boss.

2. In spite of working away for much of the week, the amazing housework and tidying up fairy only seems to get going once I'm back at home. I mean, [i]what[/i] a coincidence?!!

Just one thing.

If she wants to be a veggie we're fine. If she tries to force that on me we're very much not.

"I'm fine"..... Ain't that the truth - last time my wife was 'fine' it turned out she was pregnant

listner - Member
Just one thing.
If she wants to be a veggie we're fine. If she tries to force that on me we're very much not

And further to that, never mention upgrading to vegan, lest you release the unconscious stream of expletives that exited my mouth last time she threatened it...

It's the family dog until it's sick or needs walking, then it's my dog

Under no circumstances is it acceptable to 'Nurf The Murf' (Our lab is called Murf) - extenuending circumstances such as a) being drunk b) being mid battle with a 15 year old and c) only hitting the dog because the cat moved quickly are in no way acceptable either.

No MTB clothes allowed directly in the washing machine between October And May. First they must be hand washed in the bucket of doom before further a final QA check.

Farting in bed OR stealing the duvet. One or the other. Never both in the same evening.

Children have to empty the dishwasher and listen to the SAME STORY about how lucky / lazy / ungrateful they are if they utter a SINGLE WORD of complaint.

And the diary thing. All of that 😉

I'm "sheldon cooperesque" everything is written down! 😉

Any question with , "what do you think" means the wife has already decided upon the answer.
I must not question said answer.
The shed is my domain. Visiting rights only upon invitation.

Apparently all important questions can only be asked just as I'm leaving for work and going out the door......

At the split second my backside hits the sofa, a cry from the bathroom will summon me like a "downstairs" character in Downton Abbey to hand her a razor to shave her legs. The razor will inevitably be in the place she last put it, often within reach if she was to move.

The TV takes priority over the hifi.

Her choice of TV programmes takes priority.

Do you mean the rules that apply to me or the rules that apply to her? Because they're quite different, if not completely contradictory

House calendar rules:

1/ Anything written on by the wife is sacrosanct.
2/ Husband may not add events to calendar without wife's approval.
3/ Wife may have added events to calendar without actually writing them on the calendar, but if they're in her mind then they count.
4/ Events in husband's mind do not exist until they have been added to calendar (rule 2 applies)
5/ Wife may randomly delete events from calendar without notice. This can either be done physically or just in her mind.
6/ Any conflicts, wife has casting vote

Do men who frequent mountain bike forums attract a certain type of wife? 😉

What's a "wife"

Only one rule: put it back where you found it

It's the same for gay households. I just do as I'm told and everything seems to run more easily. Especially the diary thing.

All errors/disasters are my fault
All progress/improvements are due to her diligence

I gave up years ago

"This house is a mess" is an apparently legitimate complaint.

Tidying up the mess she made is not a legitimate activity.

If I do something for her it instantly becomes precadent, if she doesn't something for me, it's a 'favour'.

If you complain about having a headache or any other type of pain, sickness or discomfort expect "have you taken something for it?" and you better say yes before any sympathy is forthcoming.

I'm the man of the house (male moggie doesn't count) therefore I have to have the TV / DVD / cable box remotes lined up on the beer table next to MY chair for use as I see fit. It's the law.

The garage is for motorbikes and bicycles only. The other detritus of family life lives in the cellar or the shed. It's the law.

Stuff left on the stairs goes in the bin.

Nothing gets left on the stairs now = good rule.

We are on holiday. We have two smallish boys and a teenage girl. Several of her friends are also here and she is busy making plans without consulting the long haired general. Her boyfriend is coming tomorrow. My mother is here. My in-laws are here. My sister-in-law and her two feral pre-school children are here.

I'm in the shit for answering the question 'What do [u]you[/u] want to do tomorrow/this week?' with 'I'm happy to go along with everyone else, it's easier that way. As long as I get out on my bike one afternoon that'll do me.' Apparently this is being grumpy 🙄 You couldn't make this shit up.

Is the putting things on the stairs for someone else to move a women only thing and if so where does it come from? Never met a man who does it (yet)

In fairness, I do, but it's only so that it's there for me to take up next time I go up the stairs.

T'wife will walk past it over and over, and if challenged 'I'm only going upstairs for a wee / to get a jumper / simiilar' - as if carrying the stuff up has to be a designated trip.

See also: tea bags - have to be put on a staging post instead of straight in the food bin which is 3.2m away. I know, I measured it one day to make the point. Rationale - I might need an old tea bag (for staining old treasure maps / letters for kids homework, which we've needed to do about half a dozen times in a combined 20 kid years)

Me having a lie-in.... Being Lazy
Her.... Acceptable (despite the sun shining, kids need walking and it being 11am)

I assumed the teabag thing was some sort of kitchen based game of jenga.

Food debris from the kitchen sink plug filter thing is to be left until I put it in the food bin.

Any cup that has been used for tea or coffee has to be left with the dregs in the bottom. This remaining liquid cannot be tipped out no matter how close to the sink the cup is. I don't drink tea or coffee.

All of the calendar and 'I'm fine' stuff ^^^ (surely universal?)

So many of these are very familiar!

If I bring dirt dishes through to the kitchen, any waste gets put into the bin that is passed on way to kitchen worktop where dirty dishes are placed. If she takes dishes through, all the carp is left inside dishes for the magic fairy to deal with.

If I do the vacuuming, I attempt to cover all rooms. If she does vacuuming, it is perfectly acceptable to not touch the back room man cave every single time.

Just as I'm about to finish washing the dishes, she comes through with what seems like 3 days worth of dishes she had left scattered around the lounge, that I refuse to take through for her.

Can someone remind me why it is better living with a partner? 😆

No idea. I've not been informed of which ones I've broken today.

i get hassle for the tea bag thing.

i dont drink tea.

I have dared to question the use of a tea bag holding area.

With a scowl I was told that you cant put a hot/warm tea bag in the food recycling bin. No explanation was offered as to why you can't but you just can't.

you cant put a hot/warm tea bag in the food recycling bin

fire hazard, innit

Aye never away from wet/warm tea bag fires

thegreatape - Member

We are on holiday. We have two smallish boys and a teenage girl. Several of her friends are also here and she is busy making plans without consulting the long haired general. Her boyfriend is coming tomorrow. My mother is here. My in-laws are here. My sister-in-law and her two feral pre-school children are here.

I'm in the shit for answering the question 'What do you want to do tomorrow/this week?' with 'I'm happy to go along with everyone else, it's easier that way. As long as I get out on my bike one afternoon that'll do me.' Apparently this is being grumpy You couldn't make this shit up.

Yeah this one,

I'm fairly sure that family Holidays are lovely for Mums and Kids, but for Dad's it's just graft, certainly is in my house - I do the driving, most of the paying, all off the fetching and carrying, all of the organising, taking the blame when things go wrong, give the praise when things go right, the liaising with the holiday co when my wife wants to tell them something but relies on 'her people' to do it.

I don't mind really, I've never learned to 'relax' I'm happier pottering, but THOSE are the reasons why I go on my own holiday without them ha ha

The music is always too loud.

Tidy means the cupboards are an Indiana Jones style trap.

The diary (theotherjonv - that struck far too many chords)

Unless it involves bikes or vehicles, Im not in charge.

you cant put a hot/warm tea bag in the food recycling bin

fire hazard, innit

Had no idea we'd been so lucky all these years!

Talk about living on the edge without realising it....

[quoteDo men who frequent mountain bike forums attract a certain type of wife?

I'm single, all the rules are unwritten as mostly I make this shit up as I'm going along . I suspect I may be too far gone for a proper relationship these days though

Spending more than two evenings/days a week doing stuff other than mundane house improvements is classed as "never being here".

Assistance with hanging the washing out is not required from me as I'm apparently incapable.

I musn't protest when she moans about the amount of chores she's done, despite most of them actually being done by various appliances, and me doing all the little, crappy jobs that nobody notices, but would be more noticeable if left.

She never cleans the sink or draining board, or empties the strainer.

I musn't protest when she moans about the amount of chores she's done, despite most of them actually being done by various appliances,

Aha, the 'I've spent all morning doing the washing' complaint.

You mean you spent 3 minutes splitting it into two piles (colours, lights) loaded one set in, pressed a button and then watched telly for an hour.

Then spent another ten minutes emptying and reloading, putting some stuff out to dry, and then watched more TV.

And then an hour later emptied the second load, folded the stuff out of the tumbler (while watching TV) and then sat back expecting me to do the other jobs.

Seems fair?

Yes, this ^

you cant put a hot/warm tea bag in the food recycling

This is good practice actually, reduces condensation build up which suppresses smells and makes it easier to compost. It also makes it less likely the bag falls apart.

It is acceptable to buy fruit and vegetables in order to get healthy.

It is *NOT* acceptable for me to point out that it is the eating of said foodstuffs that makes you healthy and putting it in the bin because it is past its sell-by date will not have a positive effect on your health.

And if I see the tumble drier on today (of all days) I think I may just have to break another of our unwritten rules...

Don't play pitch and putt together.
No map reading.

Empty bog roll centres will magically find their way from the floor by the loo to the recycling bin.

The replacement bog roll will magically find it's way from being balanced on top of the bog roll holder to actually being on the bog roll holder.

Spare bog rolls have the ability to walk themselves from the airing cupboard on the landing to whichever loo at which they are needed.

Selecting a film to watch must have approval from both parties

i.e. I get bored of waiting so go along with whatever.

Every night is musical night.

core - Member

Spending more than two evenings/days a week doing stuff other than mundane house improvements is classed as "never being here".

HA HA!! Same here.

Yes, my love. I really do enjoy spending all of my time trying to keep on top of the constantly growing list of jobs that need doing & only do those jobs to avoid having to spend time with you.... 😆

I'm not allowed to see the unwritten rules but I do have to follow them! 😉

I've asked for all the unwritten rules in writing as they seem to be fairly elastic as to who they apply to and when they're enforced.

Unwritten rule is that no rules apply.
Both of us had controlling partners in the past and our relationship was built on the opposite to that. We've never had a row in 10 years.
Offering is better than asking. I never feel the need to 'escape', she's my best mate as well as everything else.

All cars in the household have a magic fuel tank.

She actually filled one up yesterday (her car, been less than 1/4 full for 3 days or so) and made extra specially sure I knew she'd done it.

Oh, and her car (the one she uses all of the time, but which happened to have been bought by me due to cashflow at the time) needs service/timing belt/major work/getting rid. It's taken her 4 months so far to do... nothing. After 3 months she decided she'd like a Qashqai. And did nothing. So we're driving on borrowed time. Yesterday she said "Oh, just get whatever you want". Guess whose fault it will be 😆

Spending the odd 10 minutes here and there on an iThing constitutes "always looking at your iThing".

Multiple long Candy Crush sessions per day on her part is not the same thing apparently.

If I'm hungover then that day is a good day to do "stuff", often involving vacuum cleaning or shopping.
If she's hungover then quiet is to be maintained at all times and all plans are cancelled.

This! And so many other things listed.

Spending the odd 10 minutes here and there on an iThing constitutes "always looking at your iThing".

Multiple long Candy Crush sessions per day on her part is not the same thing apparently.

Same here, spending half an hour on a laptop instead of suffering Eastenders is 'all night', whilst actually watching Eastenders is acceptable. :/

If you cook, the other washes up.

Occasionally she'll get a pass & I'll do the wash up. I pretty much do all the cooking.

It's OK to do knitting or play on 3ds while watching something on Amazon video, but God help you if I spend more than a few minutes using my Nexus 7 tablet!

She should be happy, it is the most used present she has given me since we got together! 😆

Not lying in bed of an evening, watching the latest box set on the laptop, because your other half streaked 3 episodes ahead while you were out grocery shopping = "You don't spend any time with me.".

The "stink-eye" rule corollary:

Rule #1: it is OK for mrs busydog to constantly leave every light on in the house as she goes from room to room.

Rule #2: If I bring the subject up and make mention that our electric bill sure has been high, I am to immediately receive the dreaded "stink-eye" look in response.

No matter how manky the sink and bottom of the washing up bowl are from whatever has been washed, I clean both the next morning.

Washing up from food preparation will be left on the side for 'a bit', even if raw chicken on a chopping board, apparently.

Reading STW on my phone or general online browsing (not social media whoring or chatting to people) is classed as 'being on your phone' all the time, even when she's watching [s]Eastenders[/s] [b]Hollyoaks[/b] ffs

Helping a friend (who works bloody hard, on a farm, full time, plus running over 200 ewes of his own on rented ground) to stack and get in his small square bales on the hottest day of the year, when there [i]was[/i] the threat of rain in the next day or two = "you always find a reason not to spend time with me".

No flushing Number Ones at night.

running over 200 ewes