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My mother once called me a son of a bitch during an argument. Couldn't understand why I agreed with her.
I said half two. She looked confused. The guide clarified by saying two thirty. Woman then turned to me and ask why I couldn't speak English properly!
Technically, she'd have a point, as it should be 'half past two'... 😉
Also, you weren't using the correct vernacular according to the country you were in....
Ex once booked a surprise holiday to Tunisia. With great delight she explained how it was as close as you can get to Africa without leaving Europe.
"whats an ARAF?"
If you run over an Araf, you get chased by the Heddlu and taken to the Gorsaf...
There was a lad in my class called Araf. He wasn't slow though. I hope he never visits Wales.... 😳
Talking to a local in Dubrovnik who worked as a guide for tourists from the cruise ships. She listed her favourite tourist quotes as follows:
"What film was this set built for?"
"Do they have washing machines in Croatia?"
And my favourite:
"Do they take the walls down at night?"
NB. The walls of Dubrovnik are about 20 metres high, 4 metres thick and made of stone.
Closer to home, my mate's other half has a startling natural talent for malapropisms and spoonerisms. She once turned up at my place with a stinking cold, telling me that she'd just been to the herbalist to buy some euthanasia.
She also once likened an event to "Killing two birds with one bush".
Me, to Mrs BigJohn, in Austria: "Which hotel are we staying in?"
Mrs BigJohn "The Zimmer Frei"
Similarly we gave a lift to a guy hitchhiking in New Zealand. He worked on the tourist boats at Milford Sound (which is basically a big picturesque fjord).
Two classics he told us about:
[i]Excited Tourist: "What time do they release the dolphins?"[/i]
and
[i](Tourist pointing to steep hillsides covered in trees) "Can you settle an argument: my wife says those trees are real, but I think they are fake..."[/i]
Wife at Whipsnade: "Look at the size of those rabbits!!!!" as a wallaby gets up and hops off 😆 . In her defense, we were a little way off, but even so...
Whilst working in the states a colleague asks "so where about is Wales in England"
I've heard that too, from an American tourist to a scouser I used to work with. "Where exactly in England is Scotland?"
The same woman, about half a minute later, said to him, "gee, I just love your English accent. Say something in 'English' for us!"
His reply, all scouse deadpan, "pearl 'arbour."
RAF fastjet Pilot after 10 billion quids worth of training
"Is there Clear Air Turbulence in that cloud?"
An aeroplance can take off from a treadmill.
An aeroplance can take off from a treadmil
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A girl I used to work with:
Her: why do you wear shorts then get changed every morning?
Me: I cycle in, I commute through fields and don't want my suit to get muddy.
Her: I drive my Mini through a field too, should I wear shorts so I don't get my clothes muddy?
In a meeting on cost cutting:
"I sharpen my pencils at both ends so they last longer"
When the female toilet was out of service and we had to share:
Her: Men are stupid for putting the seat up, if you leave it down you get more to sit on
Me: We wee standing up
Her: What out of your Penis?
On why her measurements were wrong:
"I turned the ruler round so it was less so we could save money"
A friend has freakishly good hearing. My wife said he has "the ears of a hawk".
Also, I asked how much her planned trip to the hairdresser for hair straightening would cost. Her response: "About as much as a perm".
I'm not sure if I'm stupid as I don't know how much a perm is, or she's stupid for thinking that I would know this.
After we flew first class our friend asked what it was like.
I told her you got leather seats and electric windows. She was very impressed.
In Texas I was invited to a BBQ and was introduced as "This is Richard he is from Wales he is Walesish 😆
thegreatape - MemberWas she also on the lookout for all the ARAFs that you slowed down for?
I'll put my hands up to this one, I went for a motorbike ride in Wales and I said "Wow, amazing that we've done so much quality riding around one town!", thinking Araf was the place name.
****ing welsh, make me look stoopid will ya?
yes yes I know. There was actually a guy in my class who had a laptop with braille keys and my mind was blown.
Still...I laughed :)!
A couple:
An Irish colleague from college said "So you're gay. Does that mean you have sex with those lesbians then?". He also said "The Chunnel - is it being dug to take boats?"
My mate turned up at college (Bangor) for his first day as PhD student wondering where this enormous place called 'Traeth' was.
In a meeting on cost cutting:
"I sharpen my pencils at both ends so they last longer"
That's quite, quite special. Bless.
As funny as these stories are I would still like a bit more detail on emsz and her friend getting caught out and whether rachel got her torque wrench.
STW the soap!
Actually elf, I was in Canada and the Canadians understood just fine.
Not said to me but cracks me up
Gee Jay
😆 😆
LOLing at these.
Teaboy, that's the sort of conversation my mum has every day!! (she manages a salon)
My boss asked me today- 'what's the name of that actor who is in the More Than Freeman adverts?'
My boss asked me today- 'what's the name of that actor who is in the More Than Freeman adverts?'
Why's that a stupid question? 😕
Her: What out of your Penis?
That would stop me in my tracks, eyes staring, mouth open!
The mind boggles as to what misapprehensions she could have been labouring under. Probably about her bits too!?
My boss asked me today- 'what's the name of that actor who is in the More Than Freeman adverts?'
[url= http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/advertising/insurance-salesman-whos-created-more-than-an-advert-2211236.html ]The American impressionist Josh Robert Thompson apparently. [/url]
American Tourist in Edinburgh, "It's funny that they built the Castle right in the city centre to make it easy to get too, but then went and built it right at the top of the hill". ❓
Strange indeed......
Once got a message from a colleague: "Someone rang your desk while you were at lunch. Needs you to call back ASAP. Refused to give his name. Said you have his number."
thv3
Thats a good one.
A couple from tourists in Edinburgh
"excuse me - where is the castle?" we were on princes street 🙂 answer - "see that big building on the crag up there?"
During the festival - "can you tell me where the theatre is please?" Edinburgh has half a dozen all year round and dozens more temporary ones in the festival
I've always wondered if we're being subtly trolled by America over the castle/close to station thing. I had it chalked up as an urban myth til I'd had it happen myself.
On a sea kayaking trip in a remote fjord in New Zealand. As we paddled past a waterfall a Welsh female piped up with "Is that a permanent fountain?" 😯 Same person also enquired about the 'axe' that the group leader was paddling with. Er, that's actually called a paddle love.
Six years later I still smile when I see a waterfall.
Anytime anyone says "I told you so.."
F@£$ OFF!
She asked what time the lift closed. I said half two. She looked confused. The guide clarified by saying two thirty. Woman then turned to me and ask why I couldn't speak English properly!.
The Americans have quite a different manner of talking about time. A girl at the bus stop here in the US leant over and wanted to look at my watch to see the time. My watch is in 24hr - it showed, say, 16:45.
Her: What time is that?
In a similar style, saying 'a fortnight' will confuse them. Therefore I use it often 😆
The Americans have quite a different manner of talking about time
Yeah, it's a unit of distance.
Yeah, it's a unit of distance.
Like a parsec?
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I used to work as a tour guide in a distillery. We used to get some intersting questions. Generally though not exclusively from american buds parties.
AFTER explaing how we make alcohol by brewing the wort and then distill th wash to make new spirit i have variously been asked:
So... when do you add the alcohol?
When do you put the shortbread in?
And slightly bizarrely, when do you add the carrots, you know for colour?!
"Can you see through a glass eye?"
.
(whilst walking along a beach, in the tufty grassy bits that grow near the dunes) "It's like walking through a hairy person."
.
And in a really excited voice "LOOK! Cows on a hill!"
Worse for wear in a cafe after a night on the sauce a friend reads aloud from the menu slowly "cheese and mushrooms on toast....." then looks at me puzzled "what's in that?"
Standing outside Waverly station waiting for someone
American tourist "Gee isn;t the castle amazing , such a shame they built it so close to the railway station"
wtf
Another tourist one,
Again in Edinburgh, I was stopped and asked where all the "Scotch" people were?
Turned out the tourist in question thought the only "Scotch" people, were the ones in kilts, preferably playing the bagpipes.
A friend of mine's OH went to the train station. The sign said "front two coaches", so she went and stood outside and waited two hours for a bus... It never came of course... 😯
Got a couple here:
We saw a massive wood pigeon sat on a branch in the garden to which my girlfriend says "Look at the size of that pidgeon, it must be pregnant" - Dont birds lay eggs darling?
Out walking in the winter when there was snow about same said girlfriend came out with "doesnt the snow make those sheep look really dark" - yes that would be because they are black sheep!
She is actually really clever though......
I know someone who wondered why the smallest hand on a watch was called the second hand, not the third hand...
"Wait. When you get stuff dry cleaned, does it get wet?"
Driving along with a riding buddy who really ought not to be allowed out on his own. He's picking my brains about running shoes, knowing that I buy mine from a shop called Achilles' Heel:
"Aye, you really rate that [i]Athlete's Foot[/i] shop, don't you?"
Same guy once referred to 10 at Kirroughtree as "10 Under the Tree".
"Wait. When you get stuff dry cleaned, does it get wet?"
Yes they do get wet. They are immersed and cleaned in a liquid solvent solution. the term "Dry Cleaning" just means the absence of water.
Like a parsec?
Exactly the opposite. Americans use units of time to indicate distance, Han Solo was using a unit of distance to indicate time.
</geek>
When I was about 17 I had a job shelf stacking in Sainsbury's.
Walking through the fruit & veg section one day I was stopped by a rather posh woman who asked "Do these tomatoes have any genetics in them?"
I knew that she meant "are they genetically modified tomatoes?" but the fact that she'd obviously read an article in the Daily Wail and completely failed to grasp any of the finer scientific points amused me no end.
A favourite, probably, apocryphal one:
American 'phones the Tourist Office to ask if the Cotswolds are open on a Sunday.
And one that did happen to me, an American walking down The Backs in Cambridge asking where "The University" was. I think she was just interested in King's College Chapel.
in edinburgh heard an american berate the castle as not that good while looking at the scottish office building
In supermarket one shelf stacker to another " you know , there is actually no cheese in a cheese cake"
Abergavenny yesterday in a cafe - "Do you want milk with your black coffee"!!
in edinburgh heard an american berate the castle as not that good while looking at the scottish office building
Likewise I've seen, more than once, Americans stood on North Bridge talking about how lovely the castle is while taking photos of [url= http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calton_Hill ]Calton Hill[/url].
[i]iiiiiittt's behiiind yoooou![/i]
Abergavenny yesterday in a cafe - "Do you want milk with your black coffee"!!
I was somewhere recently and asked for a black coffee, as a very thoughtful gesture the waiter/ress put a little milk carton (buggered if I know what they're called) on the saucer, just in case I changed my mind, I imagine.
[i]Americans use units of time to indicate distance[/i]
Still? I thought that was when they travelled by horse
"It's 2 days to the next town. Spit"
Americans use units of time to indicate distance
And London bobbies at Christmas.
Q: How far to Harrods?
A: About 20 mins.
Q: 20 mins?
A. Yes, it's only 200metres but will take about 20 mins to get there.
Oh.
Still? I thought that was when they travelled by horse
😀
It really threw me when I was there.
"How far is it to the mall?"
"Oh, about 45 minutes."
"Yes, but how [i]far[/i] is it?"
*puzzled looks* "About 45 minutes!"
Absolutely no concept of the actual distance, and utterly perplexed as to why anyone would ever want to know or care. Which makes some sort of sense I guess.
1. My sister in law is a school teacher
She had never heard of the dalai lama and said "are you saying Dilemma?"
2. Me and the Mrs went looking for a new car and I always try as be informed as possible.
Salesman: What type of car are you looking for?
The mrs: a turbo-deedle
I think we all did a little wee at tghe 2nd one
turbo-deedle
uncontrolled squeak of mirth just rang around the office.
Another Edinburgh Castle one
Was asked by an American how long it took to put the castle up each year for the festival.
Also when talking about Lou Ferrigno (the original Hulk) to a mate I said that the Hulk was huge. My ex then turned round and asked if he was real. Bless...obviously we told her it was a documentary and kept it going for about 5mins before having to admit that we were lying.
On honeymoon the the Dominican Republic, I wore a kilt one night (Scotsman abroad and all that)
An American tourist says hello "Nice Kilt! are you Welsh?"
"No Scottish"
"But that's a Welsh Kilt, Scottish Kilts are red" (I was wearing Douglas tartan - mainly green)
"Alrighty then I'm Welsh"
Talking about a particular route in the Lakes:-
".....just after where it steepens"
Teacher in the group
"There isn't such a word as steepens"
I over heard the following telephone conversation once whilst at the front counter in Fort William police station, in Winter.
Policeman: Hello, Fort William police station.
...
Policeman: Well, Ben Nevis is a mountain, but to answer your question, yes it is still open.
...
Policeman: Yes, there is a footpath to the top of Ben Nevis.
...
Policeman: No, there are no streetlights. Just a minute...Sorry, I was wrong before, it is now closed. Maybe try it in the summer.
...
Policeman: Okay enjoy your holiday.
It's not just women (although I do have a fairly strong feminine side to me 😉 )I don't know my left and right automatically, I genuinely have to stop and think about it and if I want to direct someone I have to point "this way" or "that way"I asked if I could get by on the right, she moved right across in front of me...I slammed on my brakes and skidded a little, she said "oops sorry, I don't know my left or right" I did all I could not to laughI have also known quite a few other women (friends, girlfriends) who are all fairly intelligent get confused with their lefts and rights
A combination of what they say and what they do, people who use gestures when talking on the telephone! 😈
I asked if I could get by on the right, she moved right across in front of me...
TBH, it's an odd convention that takes some getting used to. If someone coming up fast behind be (stop it) yells "on the right!" I know that they mean they're going to pass on the right, but instinctively I want to react by moving right cos that's what they've shouted.
I'm aware of what's behind me as well as infront and always instinctively move over off the main line to let a faster rider through. I choose where, when and what side anyone passes me on.
A while back I was on a train from London to Rochester, in Kent. When the train comes towards Rochester, just before it goes over the River Medway, you get a great view of Rochester Castle...
An American tourist says: "Wow, are we in Newcastle already?"
Flying into New York on a school trip, a large majority of the group got excited at the sight of the Golden Gate Bridge. 😆
My mum reckons she understands technology but still needs to ask questions from time to time. So, when we were in Currys or Comet or someplace and I was looking for a cheap'ish mp3 player
"Do I need an mp3 player?"
"I don't know, do you?"
"I don't know, that's why I'm asking you"
"Ok, why do you think you might need an mp3 player?"
"I don't know, I don't know what they are"
"So why would you need one then?"
"So I can find out what it is and then I'll know if I need one"
Some Americans have a sense of humour, when on a cruise around the Bahamas they did a top 10 of stupid questions...
1 what do you do with the ice sculptures once they have melted?
2 what time is the midnight buffet?
3 is it fresh water or sea water in the toilets?
4 where do the staff sleep?
This was approx 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle.
"A friend" once thought that "seconds out" when called at a boxing matched refered to the time...
Walking around the Schönbrun Palace in Vienna on a guided tour. We stopped in one of the salon and the guide described the exquisite objet d'art dotted around the room then gave a detailed description of the White Gold encased in crystal chandelier that hung from the ceiling , a triumph of Habsburg craftsmanship. Speech concluded we prepared to move off to the next wonder.
The American lady in front of us turned to her friend and said, "Gee and it's not plastic".
A lot of muffled snorting from our portion of the tour followed.
is it fresh water or sea water in the toilets?
Why would this matter? Were they planning to drink it?