[Closed] what is the dumbest thing anyone has ever said to you?

Watching some ducks flying and said to my son look ducks he replied those are not ducks because ducks can't fly.

My wife once asked me whether Google Earth was live...

At a school year reunion last year

"So, how old are you?"

Out with a group on Scafell...

"Whats that down there?" (Sellafield)
"Its a cloud factory to clean clouds"
"Really"
"Yes really, they suck the dirty grey clouds in at night (through the cooling towers), clean them up, and shove them out again during the day"
"Wow!"

Kids eh...

I had a panicked phone call from a friend (Emma) a few years ago: "Ron, I hope you don't mind me ringing but I'm afraid to ring Adam (her bloke) because he'll kill me."

Me: "Err, ok, go then. What's happened?"

Emma: "I've only gone and put Super Unleaded in the car"

Me: "Shit. That's not good! Hey, how come you're driving Adam's car anyway?"

Emma: "No, I'm in my Ka."

Me: "Oh, don't worry, you might just get slightly more miles this time before you have to fill up."

😆

Adam's never forgiven her not not calling him first!

"cheese sandwich"

"Dick!"

An ex once asked if it was the white or yellow number plates that I had on my car.

My mate upon trying to find some details about a film:

"how do you spell IMDB?"

😆

to be fair this wasn't long after a session on the bong.

a girl I used to work with visiting her boyfriend in hospital. He was being seen to behind the curtains so she made small talk with the man in the next bed.

Her: What are you in for?

Him: MS

Her: What, you had an accident in Marks and Spencers?

A few years back, a colleague crashed her car into 5 or 6 parked cars on the way to work, driving down a gentle but snowy slope towards the office. I thought it was a bit weird because I rode my motorbike down it about 5 minutes before. So how did it happen?

Her:"The car just started sliding all by itself, I didn't do anything"
Me:"Wow, that must have been scary"
Her:"It was! And no matter how hard I pressed the brake pedal, it just wouldn't stop sliding!"

sara's mum found out that I was more than just a friend when she stumbled in on us in a 'comprimsing' situation, this prompted a conversation with her mum in the kitchen.

I could hear sara "Mum, I'm gay"
then I heard her mum mumble something, but couldn't make it out, I heard sara sigh and say "Yes mum, emsz is as well"

😆

[*]To be fair you might be bi for all her mum knows.

Phonecall from friend's sister:
"I'm worried I've got a puncture"
"How bad is it? Is it completely flat?"
"No, not that bad, there's plenty of air in the top half"

emsz - thats genius!!

emsz wins the thread again 🙂

My wife once asked me whether Google Earth was live

You'd be surprised how many people have asked me that.

On a guided tour of Marble Arch caves in Fermanagh. At the end, they turn out the lights to show you what a total absence of light is like, an American just in front of us whispered to his family "Wow just think how dark it would be if you came at night!"

Incredulous would have described our faces, if you could have seen them.

Got a mate who's wife was convinced that all gliders were radio controlled.........

While watching the natural history BBC caveman series (caveman life reproduced with actors, make-up and computers) on T.V while at uni a house mate turned to me and said,

"the thing I don't get is, how come this footage is in colour?".

Incredible.

Also, from now on I have to call ducks 'water chickens'.

Quite a few years ago a mate of mines girlfriend asked what the yellow strips across the road (the one's that make the car rumble) before you approach roundabouts were for. To which my mate said "they're for blind people so they know they are approaching a roundabout".. she didn't question it 🙂

Northwind's winter story reminds me of mine. Offering advice to a woman in the car park at work whose car's wheels were spinning on the snowy ground I suggested that she try moving off in second gear. "Where's second gear?" she asked.

On another occasion, in Greggs I heard a mother tell her 5 year old son that he couldn't have a doughnut with pink icing because "you're a lad, you're no' a poof".

I'm no longer working in Craigmillar and for that I'm glad. 🙂

A few years back arrived for work to find big BBC van blocking entrance to car park this was a Thursday morning it was there filming songs of praise at adjoining church. It was bit of hassle to drive round block to the other entrance. I settled into work ten minutes later colleague arrived cursring and chuntering on that some big van had blocked car park entrance .I explained to him that it was BBC filming songs of praise his reply " I thought songs of praise was on Sunday" what a plank

At my wife's uni dinner when one of her friends expressed to the table that she plays rugby, in fact she plays in goal!

I have worked with a couple of right special cases, a couple of dumb things they said that sticks in my mind

no1: "I don't eat Tuna 'cos it's got Dolphins in it and it says so on the tin" pointing at the Dolphin friendly logo

no2: "Sweetcorn is magnetic, it reforms in your body, that's how come it comes out the other end the looking the same as it went in"

Nick - Member

[b]what happens if it rains?[/b]

atlaz - Member

[b]The book gets wet[/b]

No you ****ing retard, you get wet, skin is waterproof, mtfu

Is the Pope Jewish?

[i]'Do you want chilli sauce?'[/i]

I mean, come on.... 🙄

'Sir'
'Yes Katrina'
'How do you spell GCSE?'

Our country has a bright future 🙁

My friend Sally is lovely, but she come sup with some right nonsense... On being asked why Ambulance was written backwards on the bonnet of an ambulance, she responded immediately with "Its so dogs can read it.".

I have no idea where to start with that!

On a climbing trip in Morocco, a fellow climber asked our Irish driver "do many people die here....?". The answer, "yeah, most of em". 🙂

Rachel's the winner so far for me...

I think one of the best stupid conversations I had was with a mate, talking about how long our drive to Nottingham would take. We were leaving at 1 and expected to be there around 4 - eg a 3hr drive. My mate was convinced it was 4 hours. "1, 2, 3, 4" he kept counting on his fingers. "That's FOUR hours". It took most of the trip up to convince him otherwise.

Mind you, we also convinced him that the race were were driving up there for was on an uphill lake...

On a RTW motorcycle trip astonished locals who'd never seen a gigantic 1100cc BMW always asked a load of questions.

My favourites were:

"What is the maximum speed of you bike please?"

"About 200kmh."

"And what is the minimum speed?"

"Err....zero."

And

"Does you bike have air conditioning?"

i pulled up to a McDonalds drive through a few year ago and ordered a brekkie, the guy in the window asked me if it was to take away...

Not wanting to waste an opportunity I said , "nope, was just pre-ordering so it would be ready when I get in..."

Was in our local late bar after a night out.

Lots of pictures of big military planes.

I said it was a bit weird that they had loads of photos of military hardware.

Blank stares from my mates.

Was then I remembered the place is called B52s...

My mate does track days on a bike, he has a set of pictures of him high siding that are pretty spectacular. Full flying X and bouncing down the track.

His sons ex saw these photos and said to my mate "Oh my god is that you? You must of been killed"

Whilst sitting in the sixth form common room a good few years back one of the guys put some music on the stereo. Third song in and another guy shouts accross the room

MATE I FRICKING LOVE THIS SONG YOU GOT IT ON CD OR COMPACT DISK? ANY CHANCE OF A COPY?

This was then followed by a short silence and then pretty much the entire sixth form rolling arround laughing there asses off.

Walked into a lettings agents on Deansgate, "i'm looking for a three bedroom flat", "we've got a two and a one bed you could rent". Nice one, cheers.

Ex GF, trained Architect. While watching the F1 the safety car comes out on lap 20ish, "is that to show them the way around?". Brilliant.

Ordering food in Burger King, asked for a beanburger without cheese. "Sorry mate, we've run out of cheese" came the reply.

I used to know someone who thought Spain was on another planet.

"Is Africa in Europe?"

My SO while de-seeding a bell pepper said to me
'If I was stuck on a desert island I would use this as a cup!'
After a small chuckle I pointed out to her the chances of bell peppers growing wild on such an island would be slim.
Now whenever I am de-seeding a pepper I hold it up and look at it and say 'you know what if I was stuck...' childish I know.

I used to work with a young lad from India. One day whilst regaling him with stories of our drinking prowess and exaggerated claims of how many disgusting shots we'd managed to down he blurted out..

'Thats nothing, in India we drink bulls milk !'

10 years on and it still cracks me up...

I was late for dinner with the inlaws one evening, when asked why, i replied that I'd been covering the Bishop's funeral, and had been stuck in the Cathedral all afternoon, to which the MiL asked "Oh, is he dead then?"

"You don't know what you're talking about."
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just now.. on the phone to Tesco Direct Mrs yunki was making a payment on her order using [i]my[/i] debit card..

the Tesco salesperson requests to speak to the owner of the debit card to get authorisation for the cards use..

the phone is passed to me..

'is it ok to take this payment for £x amount please Mr yunki..?'

'yes'

'great thanks very much'

She could have passed the phone to my 2 year old son, or a Chilean dictator, or Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler to authorise the payment..

excellent work..

I was sitting in the pub in Durness having just cycled up from Ullapool in the pissing rain and wind (im getting my excuses in first!) Anyway having a well earned pint and Im looking out the window and saw a land rover type car and a caravan next to it...they both had the same number plate obviously....and before I could stop myself saying it; I said that it was a bit odd, there must be something strange going on there! Que fits of laughter.

About 3/4 the way through watching District 9, my eldest daughter asked if it was a true story.

some of the things said here are quite dumb.. (emz example made me cackle) but are think there are also a few witticisms amongst the examples that perhaps went over the listeners heads..

maybe there should be a thread asking 'what is the dumbest person you have witnessed hearing something..?'

'what is the dumbest person you have witnessed hearing something..?'

mleh mle mleh mleh mleh..
I would have said a wally but there you go

Me: I am looking forward to my skiing holiday
Young trainee: Yeah your off to Holland right?
me: Yeah theres loads of mountains there...
YT: Yeah thats where they do the yodelling right?

YT: Ive just been to the dentist to get a filling
Me: Did he give you one of those forms for airport security?, as the filling will set of the metal detectors.
YT: No he didnt, I had better go back and get one...

Me: Would you like some of my wedding cake?
YT: No I dont like Parmezan

Girlfriend and I are sitting watching TV and she is surfing the web looking for some new kitchen furniture..

girlfriend finds a possible new dining table and calls me over to look at it

girlfriend..."would you look at that its called an occasional table but i dont care how occasionally you use it, its tiny you could never fit 4 people round that"

Me...let me explain.......

"an occasional table"

What is it when it isn't a table?

My ex-sister-in-law:

"Religion never did anyone any harm."

When my girlfriend said "yes" to something I asked her, which meant she was now my Fiancee... ha ha

"Without this £100 hdmi lead your picture will be all pixated and the colours less vibrant"

Comet sales staff ftw 😆

A 40 year old female friend of my Mum's a while back -
'How old do you have to be to be a teenager?'.

Yeah it's a stupid name for a table. S'like having an occasional dog or an occasional pen-knife or something. Stupid.

A client saying "What we really want is some high level detail". 🙄

I was _that_ close to playing back to her Douglas Adams' line that "what we want are clearly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty" just to see if she twigged...

A girlfriend of my So asked if the sun and moon where the same thing..

Driving about on shift the other night through country lanes looking for folk out and about , one of the lads in the van comments on having a pair of night vision goggles.

Girl in the van says " night vision goggles? what do you see with them? its dark out there !"

nuff said.

During a GCSE IT class, my teacher was looking for ideas/enhancements to help people with disabilities use computers. After taking a few suggestions she came out with.."Braille keys on a keyboard for blind people".

For several weeks after I couldn't stop laughing every time I seen her.

Nearly as good as a mate suggesting YouTube should add subtitles for blind people....

After taking a few suggestions she came out with.."Braille keys on a keyboard for blind people".

Why is that a dumb idea?

[img] [/img]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000V5IFSS
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A couple for you,

Sat in a bar in San Francisco and get chatting to the bloke next to me. He’s telling me about an upcoming fishing trip to Alaska and mentions taking his car. I ask if the USA and Canada have any kind of agreement with regard to passports and border crossings like we have in Europe where you just drive straight through borders, or at worst get your passport looked at, but never have to go through immigration proper. (Forms filled, passport stamped etc). He reply’s with –
I’m not going to Canada, I’m going to Alaska.
(me) Sorry, I thought you said you were driving.
I am.
(me) So when you drive through Canada to get to Alaska, do you need to go through all the immigration stuff?
Alaska is part of the USA, not Canada. I thought you Europeans were good at geography.

Stop at a petrol station in Rural Utah trying to buy cigarettes. Told that they don’t sell them, but the petrol station the other side of the road does. Decide to leave car and walk. As I cross the forecourt there is a [i]senior gentleman[/i] banging on the car window, which my missus is very firmly keeping shut.
Wander over to see what’s happening and get talking to the bloke, he’s very friendly, just wants a chat. Tells me he’s down this end of the state for a funeral, and that he’s never left Utah in all his life, probably about 70 years. Asks me where we’re from, and this is the start of the misunderstandings. I tell him –
(me) Britain
So you’re Canadian?
(me) No, British
Yes, that makes you Canadian
(me) Ah, you’re thinking of British Columbia, we’re from Great Britain, you know, in Europe?
(This is when I realised that lots of Americans don’t know of Great Britain. UK is fine, so is England, and at a push Scotland – but Britain, no).
(me) I’m from England, my girlfriend is Scottish
Ah, ok, so you’re from the UK?
(me) Yes
So how come your car has California plates?
(me) We hired it at LA airport.
(A little bit of discussion until I realise that Rental, not Hired makes sense to him)
So...Why didn’t you bring your own car?

Just as I’m pondering trying to explain the large body of water between Britain and the USA, he decides it’s time to move on with the best line ever – “You sure do speak good English for a European”!

During a GCSE IT class, my teacher was looking for ideas/enhancements to help people with disabilities use computers. After taking a few suggestions she came out with.."Braille keys on a keyboard for blind people".

For several weeks after I couldn't stop laughing every time I seen her.

Nearly as good as a mate suggesting YouTube should add subtitles for blind people....

You know blind people use computers and the internet don't you? and there are some videos on the internet that have captions spoken?

Who's the idiot now

aidso - not so stupid. Blind folk do use computers and do have specialist keyboards including braille ones.

The UK and America, two nations divided by a common language.

Stepping inside from the cold snowy windy weather outside my housemate says "Cor its cold isnt it?"

No S... Sherlock

Ben_mw: Judging by the "Not Always Right" site, Americans not understanding the concept of "Canada" is a frighteningly common problem:
http://notalwaysright.com/category/canada 😀

boss: we have to focus on everything

We have a facebook group set up of a guy we know and all his Geoff'isms

"It's a recipe waiting to happen"

"You're gonna burn like Jesus did"

"but Geoff, Jesus didn't burn"
"well he should have"

Geoff's back garden over looks..

'yeah, used to be an old orchard, now its just some trees'

I say, I say lads. I've had this tune going through my head for days wondering if you could help....La La La La La La La La La (to the theme tune to Black Beauty)

Geoff: ...it sounds like he needs a sidedog
Olly: a what?
Geoff: a sidedog!
Olly: do you mean sidekick
Geoff : ah yes, thats it

That blokes built like a sh*t brickhouse'

We went to Wales a few months Back, we pass a sign saying "traeth beach"

wife: thats supposed to be a nice beach
me: bites lip
after seeing several more signs
wife: ahhh it's welsh for beach.

Was she also on the lookout for all the ARAFs that you slowed down for?

we pass a sign saying "traeth beach"

Mate of mine fell foul of that little gem a few years back. "Christ, that must be a big beach!"

Was she also on the lookout for all the ARAFs that you slowed down for?

My mate fell for that one, "whats an ARAF?"

Said by a chap at work as he looked at hundreds of starlings getting ready to roost as it got dark the day after the clocks had gone back in October.

"Amazing isn't it how the birds know the clocks have changed"

My daughter once saw some pigeons so asked me 'Are chickens scared of Robin Hood?'.

But she's just a kid and they're not right in the head anyway.

A good few years ago, BT fitted some new phone boxes on the high street, just the box as they where work in progress.

My sister asked my dad why there was no phones in the phone boxes, my dad replied so people can talk to themselves. She believed it, for quite a few years!

The biggest daft thing is when im at work normal question is, where's the milk ? erm the section your standing in front of?!

"Braille keys on a keyboard for blind people".

For several weeks after I couldn't stop laughing every time I seen her.

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Still laughing, now that you've made the stupidest comment on this thread? 😆

Snowboarding holiday in whistler. There was a woman from Florida on the same lesson. She asked what time the lift closed. I said half two. She looked confused. The guide clarified by saying two thirty. Woman then turned to me and ask why I couldn't speak English properly!.