[Closed] what is the dumbest thing anyone has ever said to you?

Books are gay. Everyone knows this.

what happens if it rains?

The book gets wet

Ex GF was dumb as a turd.
In restaurant;
"The ciabatta sandwich, is it like a...(gesticulates wildly)....ciabatta sandwich?"

My beautiful wife, when we were driving behind a car towing a horse box on some twisty road...

- why don't you overtake him?
Me - I can't yet (there was an unbroken centre line)
Her - oh, is it illegal to overtake horses?

Both my mate and I both had some oik calls us "son". Nothing wrong with that, yet he was about 25, I was 38 and my mate was 44.
He got a bit upset when we both (independantly) laughed at him for calling us son.

Smart girl. It's a fact that men who read "novels" are more likely to be gay. They probably can't fight properly either.

When I was at school the boys we suspected of being gay always seem to spend a lot of time in the library. And they couldn't fight.

Does not saying something in a situation that SCREAMED out for saying something count? If so, that was me, Friday.

my mate reckons the horizon is 'that far away' because of the strength of your eyes - not the curvature of the earth.

i tried pointing out from space you can see 1/2 the earth but he said that was different.

this went on for 1/8th of the SDW!

An ex girlfriend got me a watch for my birthday it was 50m water resistant, my mates bird asked how the watch knew when i'd swum 50 metres!

Following a couple about the same age as me along the canal towpath. She was behind him riding to the left of the towpath..I asked if I could get by on the right, she moved right across in front of me...I slammed on my brakes and skidded a little, she said "oops sorry, I don't know my left or right" I did all I could not to laugh

I have also known quite a few other women (friends, girlfriends) who are all fairly intelligent get confused with their lefts and rights

Guy at work announced:
Wached a war program last night, there was a Kamikaze pilot in it, he'd flown over 40 missions.....

After me pointing out the Best Before Date of 17/09/2011 on an imported UK bottle of beer to a US waitress last week - "Oh, that must mean the 17th month..." 😯

(I wasn't bothered that it was past the date, but thought I best mention it)

A friend of mine confessed to thinking dinosaurs were just the invention of Hollywood. She had been in a history museum and wondered why they were in with the "proper" history...

"I do"

My wife, on seeing this exact helicopter

[img] [/img]

asked me why it had a clock on the end. 😯

My wonderful wife still asks me, every single time we go out riding (and after 20 years of riding in the Alps): "which one is the rear brake?"

This is usually accompanied by her taking a big fistful of the right lever and performing an impromptu stoppie, then looking a bit confused.

And we have a winner!!

*edit* TheGreatApe

You know that Richard Branson bloke, yup right, well years ago when he flew around the world in a balloon my GF at the time asked how he was getting on. So I replied he'd flown so high that he'd broken through the atmosphere and NASA were going to have to send a Shuttle up for him.. A few days later in the pub she asked me if they'd managed to get Branson down..
My mates folded up. I spat beer over my GF's best mate....
As far as I know she still thinks he's up there.

Guy at work announced:
Wached a war program last night, there was a Kamikaze pilot in it, he'd flown over 40 missions.....

Could be an urban myth but I did read about a kamikaze pilot who flew in several (unsuccessful) missions. Apparently at times they never found the Americans so had to go home. Obviously nobody flew two successful missions.

Ah ex from the US, on driving past the then under-construction Trafford Centre, "wow, they've nearly finished that big mosque."

I nearly made the traffic news.

I like chavs-on-a-bus chat. You get entire dialogues that go exactly like this:

"It's like ****iiiiinnnn, ken like, ****iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn....

<long pause>

Kenwhitamsayintho? ****IIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

<pause for breath>

Like"

To which the mate will always respond, after much consideration:

"Naw"

My GF can't tell her left from right. Also thought north was what ever way she was facing.

An ex asked what these were for

[img] [/img]

I said it was to store fresh air to pump into the factories

'Oh, that's good.....'

On the subject of left and right,

I've never had a problem with left and right, ever, even back when I was as young as I can remember.

I've also never really had a problem with driving on the wrong side of the road, say when visiting the US or some such, and never really understood why a lot of people do.

In France on holiday, GF navigating, she says "turn left here" and I turned right, because I genuinely believed that it was the correct direction. I think what's happening is, driving outside the US, my brain copes by transposing left and right at a subconscious level. [i]Weird.[/i]

My friend was teaching his ex to drive. She started the car with the accelerator to the floor. Once the pistons dropped into the engine again, he asked what order the pedals were in, right to left

"Clutch, Brake, Accelerator"
"No... "
"Does it matter what order they're in?"

First and last lesson.

Years ago, when they were still a new thing, we drove past a wind farm and my gran commented, "you'd think they'd turn them things down, it's windy enough..."

Fill your boots.

http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/22222222222222-22-x-0

You're a bad man.

my flat-mate many years ago stumbled into my room sleepwalking and proclaimed very sternly..

'we are from the letter S... S, P..
SPEE..! and she was standing on a stack of bibles..'

before doing an abrubt about turn and heading off to bed..

Spent some time in San Antonio on business a few years back. Theres a lovely area in the town with an ickle river running through it where there are some good bars and restaurants.

I was sat in one such establishment enjoying a marguerita and some nachos when some nasty trailer trash septics turned up.

The kids were pointing at some ducklings - they were cute but surprisingly skinny (I guess the weather is warm so a fat duck would be no use).

They asked Pa what the ducklings were. His reply.....

Water chickens......

In 1992 girl in Canada telling me she couldn't wait to join her boyfriend in Albania where he had got a job as a pilot.
Got to admit that the brochure she got with her Visa made it look almost normal.

I'm a big fan of
[url= http://notalwaysright.com/wp-content/themes/classic/images/header_2011.pn g" target="_blank">http://notalwaysright.com/wp-content/themes/classic/images/header_2011.pn g"/> [/img][/url]

The levels of stupidity displayed by the people in some of those accounts are so high you wonder how they manage to get dressed in the morning.

(Good site to RRS subscribe to, as they usually add a few stories every day)

PMSL at thegreatape! hahahahaha....

Water chickens....

Close the thread.

(-:

I'm a big fan of

So am I.

Standing in the ice tunnel inside a glacier near chamonix, some american guy turned to me after touching the glacier and said "Oh wow, that's ice."

I buckled instantly.

On a fire fighters water rescue course one of the girls asked 'perhaps if we filled all the lakes and ponds in with stones children wouldn't fall in and drown'

Went into an [u]empty[/u] cafe today. I ordered my sandwich and coffee from a nice young lady in said [u]empty[/u] cafe and was given an order number. Sat down and waited for my sandwich in the [u]empty[/u] cafe. Young lady comes to the counter with my sandwich and shouts "NUMBER 58!". 😐

When I came out, I was asked what I was going to do with my bikes. Clearly they thought I would no longer use them??? 😯 🙄

Rachel

I'd only been back from holiday (abroad) a couple of hours and a few folk popped round to see me. I still hadn't been shopping, so didn't have much in the way of food or drink...I looked in the freezer and found some mini magnum ice creams. As everyone was eating them my mates sister said "did you fetch these back with you?". We all pissed ourselves and I still don't think she knew why we were laughing! 🙂

When I came out, I was asked what I was going to do with my bikes. Clearly they thought I would no longer use them???

I take it back, that beats the water chickens.

Rachel ,"came out of where".

Where is where,

Sat down to watch Rambo one night recently with the OH who had never seen it.
"whats it about" she asked.
"An ex Vietnam vet" I said
" why did American vets have to go to Vietnam, is there a lot of animals there?"

I offered a girl friend at the time a drink of my doctor pepper, she replied I don't like pepper.! 😯

"Well I think we should all go out and do another lap"

My mate at D2D this year...

Sat next to my bike on snowdon summit "how are you going to get back down?"

When I came out, I was asked what I was going to do with my bikes. Clearly they thought I would no longer use them???

Rachel

I actually had to think about that for a while, does that qualify me for membership of this thread?

Well, how DID you get down???

Well, how DID you get down???

Same way as up, only backwards.

"I think it's amazing babies can breathe underwater"

(Tomorrow's world was just starting on the TV )

'you sound like you're 12' some stroker called idave on an internet forum this very day..

LOL@ rachel

On a trip to the alps, a female member of the group remarks "ain't the clouds low around here".....

Getting out of an ambulance with my left arm 5" closer to the right one and quite a lot further forward than I normally like it and.

Nurse to paramedic "Which one is dislocated?"

I'm not joking TJ, both my mum and my brother asked the same question - was bizarre. Just goes to show how stereotypes are so ingrained. Apparently girls don't ride bikes and get muddy...

Come to think of it, she also got upset the following year when, upon asking what I wanted for my birthday, I said a torque wrench. I got some jewellery.

Rachel

Well you are confusing them - ladies don't get torque wrenches for christmas 🙂

"An ex Vietnam vet" I said

Talking of saying dumb things, you can't be an ex-veteran, can you? You're a Vietnam vet or you're not. An ex-soldier perhaps.

Anyway, the only time I openly chuckled at someone was when we were in Hyde park standing on one side of a fence watching the squirrels, standing near an Australian couple. We exchanged a few words about the squirrels, at which point one bounded over. The chap said 'are they dangerous?'

Bless 🙂

I said a torque wrench. I got some jewellery.

Ladies like Hoovers. Everyone knows that. 😉

ladies don't get torque wrenches for christmas

true - no-one will buy her one!!!! 😈

My sister once asked for 'a black [b]and[/b] white printer cartridge'

Surprisingly they didn't have any in stock 😆

This summer, from an old man having so much fun on a roundabout in town he had about 4 goes

'Sorry young man, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to go round clockwise or anticlockwise'.

'Ah right, well we go round them clockwise in this country. Where are you from?'.

'Edinburgh'.

I.
Shit.
You.
Not.

"I think it's amazing babies can breathe underwater"

I blame Nirvana.

ladies don't get torque wrenches for christmas

If it's any consolation, nor do boys. I've been asking for one since I was about 14.

why doesn't the sea just sink into the sand?

My sister once asked for 'a black and white printer cartridge'

I once took an escalated call from a customer whose printer didn't print yellow. Replacement cartridges, hours on tech support, printer returned several times (no fault found).

Turned out, she was printing on yellow paper.

'Edinburgh'.

This thread just keeps on giving.

A good few years ago I had an informal lodger, a mate of mine called Steve.

Dragging my carcass to the bathroom one morning, I had this hollered conversation:

Steve (shouts from his bedroom): "Argh! I'm blind! I can't see shit!"

Me (in the bathroom): "What? What?! Erm, why?"

Steve: "Aha!"

Me: "WHAT??"

Steve: "I had my eyes shut."

Argh.

I was talking at home about the new petrol pumps at the local filling station that talked when you picked them up [i]"this is unleaded fuel"[/i]

I mused as to why and my sister blurted out, well it's for the blind drivers obviously!!

I won £20 for that one from FHM's "Out of the mouth of babes" feature

An otherwise very intelligent girl I used to go to school with once asked,
'Do shetland ponies have to migrate home to Shetland to breed?'

She also belived that thistles stopeed at the border with England for a time and that speed limits at roadworks didn't apply on sundays as there was no-one working.

'you sound like you're 12' some stroker called idave on an internet forum this very day..

I know, pretty dumb being out by at least 3 years. How's half term going? Looking forward to Christmas?

Standing in the ice tunnel inside a glacier near chamonix, some american guy turned to me after touching the glacier and said "Oh wow, that's ice."
I buckled instantly.

That reminds me.....

Walking down the Grand Canyon, we were following an American couple in their mid 20s. We heard the girl ask what the piles of grass clippings were along the trail. Her patient bloke explained that it was, basically, mule dung. To be fair it was mostly grass.

A little later she asked why the bottom of the canyon (which was a long long way away) was covered in moss, but here there were only some bushes
I could almost hear the big, long, silent sigh as he again, with the patience of a saint, basically explained that it was the bushes being so far away that they looked like moss.

I could almost hear Father Ted: No Dougal, these are small and those are very far away.......

It still cracks us up now, 6 years later! 😀

Two from a girl I used to work with (We'll call her Princess):

Princess: Can you catch a cold over the phone?
Me: (Stunned, dumbfounded silence, then) Yes. Yes you can.
Princess: I thought so - my mum's got a cold and I was just talking to her - now I've got a bit of a sore throat...

Princess: Where are the channel islands?
Me: (Same stunned silence, then) Just off the north coast of France!
Princess: Oh. Then, do Scottish people live there?

Also, I was playing Need For Speed on the PC years ago, with my GF in the room half-watching. I crashed and rolled the car and she gasped and said "Oh my god, are you ok?!"

While watching the natural history BBC caveman series (caveman life reproduced with actors, make-up and computers) on T.V while at uni a house mate turned to me and said,

"the thing I don't get is, how come this footage is in colour?".

Guy at work announced:
Wached a war program last night, there was a Kamikaze pilot in it, he'd flown over 40 missions.....
Could be an urban myth but I did read about a kamikaze pilot who flew in several (unsuccessful) missions. Apparently at times they never found the Americans so had to go home. Obviously nobody flew two successful missions.

Actually my grandfather was a kamikaze pilot, the common misconception is that they all went on suicicde missions, in fact the requirement, for honour, was to achieve one kill. If they had not / could not mange this, they were expected to die trying.

A few that spring to mind from mostly work related face palming conversations
" When the sun goes down , the moon comes up....."

" Did the dinosaurs come before, or after Jesus . . . . . "

Me - Whats QED stand for in Latin ? Boss .- Quantitive ElecricalDynamic

Ex: Do you want the laptop?
Me: Yes please.
Ex: Do you want a cusion, its hot on the bottom.
Me: No its OK, it'll be fine on my lap
Long pause
Ex: So that's why they're called laptops.....
Me: !

A few people have said to me "You can't ride here"
Plainly ridiculous 🙂

Ex: Do you want a cusion, its hot on the bottom.

How did she manage to type like that?

My brothers GF genuinely thought the moon was the night time version of the sun until he pointed out to her that sometimes you can see the moon during the day too!

My sister [who has a PhD], thought I made up hovercrafts, and that no such thing exists.