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Ffs can cats read? Mine has jumped up on the sofa and put her claws in my scalp. I think it's about to kick off here and I'm going to get schooled....
I’d pay good money to see chewky take on a wolf…
9 ft high and 20 odd stone. Cant run away either – they can do 70 mph.
70kph, not mph. But more impressive, they can maintain 60kph for ages, unlike a cheetah that can do 75mph but only for a few seconds. An ostrich could run a marathon in about 40 minutes
Obviously the Bombers or failing that the handlebar.
I reckon you'd have a hard time getting the handlebar off in one minute. 4 stem bolts, minimum 2 brake/gear/dropper bolts, bonus one lock-on grip bolt so you can use one end as a core sampler.
Perhaps take the seatpost, smash off the saddle and beat the animal with the rail end. Good for rat, cat, goose, medium dog. I'd want the front wheel as a shield while dealing with the eagle though. For a large dog or chimp I'd want the handlebar. Any of the others I'm using the bike to escape.
Perhaps take the seatpost
Except with mine you have to loosen the dropper lever and the lockout lever, slide it into the centre to push enough cable through to release from the actuator. Although forcefully extending a 150mm dropper into the animal's face would pack a punch...
Crocodile... depends, am I allowed a frying pan?
Honestly, I think I could take an ostrich - soon as I get hold of that scrawny neck, it's game over. 🙂
What part do you use and which otherwise undefeatable animal can you win against?
The chain from my riding partners bike and it would be any of them since for me "win" is still alive.
Even if my riding partner is now lunch.
The chain from my riding partners bike and it would be any of them since for me “win” is still alive.
Even if my riding partner is now lunch.
That exact technique was aired to a colleague training to be an arctic guide and therefore learning to shoot in case 9f polar bear attack...
That’s not a chimp but a howler monkey or spider monkey which is not aggressive at all.
It’s also not poultry but a porcupine.
Pedants gonna pedant.
The biggest animal I could take down is a slightly smaller than me human being.
I chased a swan away once when it was blocking my path.
I scared off a pack of feral dogs, but I did it by throwing stones at them.
I was also in a stand off with a really big monkey. It gave up, but I really didn't like the look of it's teeth and claws.
I vote that we ask the resident Aussies in the forum….
WE could do but they wouldn’t answer, they’re all too busy fighting spiders
And everything else that lives/swims/grows there! The entire Australian ecosystem is designed to kill/maim/cause extreme pain!
Christ, there’s even a tree that inflicts such extreme pain and suffering that people have killed themselves rather than suffer any longer - when the damned plant life is out to get you, then take that as a clue that the place doesn’t want outsiders* living there.
*White Europeans.
I reckon I’d batter most marine life. On land.
A salt water crocodile? Those bastards will chase you out of the water, and up the beach, and they run faster than you!
And I have my doubts that any of the above would work for a cobra.
They can spit in your eye, from several meters away! Or some can, anyway.
Various mentions of chimps and gorillas, but none about orangutans - adult males weigh about 75 kg (165 lb), and they can brachiate, so ripping your leg off and beating you to death with the bloody end = no problem!
Rat ?, yep, you stomp on them
House cat ?, Possibly, Though i think you've be really clawed to bits.
Goose ?. Easy. grab neck, twist and pull(Its the same with all dispatching of birds of the food kind.
Medium size dog ?. Maybe able to strangle it to death.
Chimp ?. Might get a lucky kick to the head, but if you miss you're done for.
Cobra.? Again a possible if you can get the tail end without being bitten, then it i suspect a case of whirl it around your head while looking for a tree to bash it into.
Kangaroo ?. Possibly not.
Crocodile ?. How the hell do you even kill one of them with anything other than a gun.
Gorilla ?.. Not a chance.
Lion ?. 12 hours later you become lion poo.
Elephant ?. This is getting ridiculous
Grizzly bear ?. Play dead and hope if doesn't decide to f*** you and if it does try to fake an orgasm.
Christ, there’s even a tree that inflicts such extreme pain and suffering that people have killed themselves rather than suffer any longer
Gympie-Gympie stinging tree is one of those and grows in our 'back yard'. Mother in law accidentally pulled one thinking it was a weed. I think the way to get the stingers out is with sellotape.
One of my sons fell on one on a walk when he was 3 or 4. Not happy, but it wasn't any worse than a nettle sting in that instance. They're pretty easy to avoid though as they have massive heart-shaped leaves. Just don't use them to wipe your backside ... there's a story of someone suiciding after having done that.
WE could do but they wouldn’t answer, they’re all too busy fighting spiders
Early morning bike rides I get covered in them... but never been bitten by one.
This dude was well and truly dead when i found it on my arm commuting last week!
The undramatic truth is that there are very few deaths from animals in Australia. I'd be much more scared of humans - especially European humans.
thols2
Free Member
That’s not a chimp but a howler monkey or spider monkey which is not aggressive at all.It’s also not poultry but a porcupine.
Pedants gonna pedant.
You posted a .gif that you called 'chimp versus poultry', that had neither a chimp, nor any sort of poultry bird in it.
To be called out as pedants for pointing that out is a weird flex.
Almost 10% of Americans think they could take on a Gorilla? It’s really no surprise that Trump was elected, is it?
am curious who thinks they could take an elephant unarmed. Exactly what is their plan of attack there
Their natural habitat is the fridge, evidenced by footprints in the butter, hold the hermetically sealed door closed
Similary with poultry (and porcupines) that cross the road, do it enough times and they'll be skittled, simples (meerkats will take a snake, but usually as a mob) 🙂
Failed badly with our rather small cat at the weekend. Worm tablet bits everywhere but the cat. My blood on the sofa. However I do have good success rate in subduing sheep if I can catch the buggers
The main point that you’re all missing here is that someone, or some people, have been paid to collate and present this data.
Having read the story of Travis the chimp I wouldn't want to be anywhere near one, let alone fight it.
I'm not even confident with a medium dog, maybe if it was old with dodgy hips.
Emu/Ostrich would be easy though, you just sweep the leg and then finish them
However I do have good success rate in subduing sheep if I can catch the buggers
I'm not asking.
Those saying you could take on a wolf. You do know that they're not "large dog" sized right? They are, in fact, ****ing huge things; vis
Red kangaroos are nowt to be trifled with. Up to 1.8 m tall, 90 kg and they grab round the neck with their front paws and disembowel with their powerful back legs.
Sounds like the mother in law.
You posted a .gif that you called ‘chimp versus poultry’, that had neither a chimp, nor any sort of poultry bird in it.
To be called out as pedants for pointing that out is a weird flex.
Calm down, it's just a poultry matter.
or an urban turkey?
A what now?
or an urban turkey?
Social media influencer?
Those saying you could take on a wolf. You do know that they’re not “large dog” sized right? They are, in fact, **** huge things; vis
Yeah, but technically that's your big, bad wolf. There must be a few small, convivial ones surely? I read as a boy, what you do is jam your forearm in it's mouth and push it's head back to break it's neck. As a nine year old I wasn't sure how realistic this scenario was.
Anyway, remember, he's more scared of you than you are of him. Possibly
Wow. First ever double post. Anyway, recon I could say boo to a goose
Maybe that's just a very small woman?
It says take on, not defeat. I mean, if I had to kill a rat and had no weapons, I’d give it a go. I might not win but I doubt I’d lose.
eh, it doesn’t say take on - it says beat (which I assume = defeat rather than hit repeatedly). But I don’t know how to define win/defeat?
clearly if I kill a rat before it kills me I win, but if I land a blow on a rat and it runs off do I still win? What if I just make a lot of noise and it runs off? What if I run off and it doesn’t chase me - have I won?
clearly if I kill a rat before it kills me I win, but if I land a blow on a rat and it runs off do I still win? What if I just make a lot of noise and it runs off? What if I run off and it doesn’t chase me – have I won?
See, this is the problem with these sorts of threads, the OP doesn't define the specifications clearly enough in the first place, which leads to anyone being able to interpret the rules in whichever way they seem fit. The Chimp/Turkey/Porcupine debarcle is therefore Poah's fault. 😁
Maybe that’s just a very small woman?
Those women are very far away...
There are some things which remind me that our wildlife in the UK is rather benign. Can you imagine this at Glentress?
https://roaring.earth/wolverine-walks-by-biker-carrying-goat-head/
Having seen the injuries my girlfriend got the other day separating our cat from the neighbour's, I'd say it would be an even fight for me. I'll start low in that case, I think I could take a Guinea Pig one on one. The bastards.
chewkw
King Cobras do Not attack people unless provoke and because of their large size they are not as fast but its venom can easily kill an elephant.
You're in unarmed combat though - does that imply you are in a fight, and the cobra is already provoked? Are people relying on sneaking up behind a Cobra?
I read an article a while back that was people's experiences of being attacked by wild animals. Some were predatory, most weren't and they were things like cougars, dears, hippos, bears that sort of thing. The overriding thread that drew all these stories together was both how stupidly fast and how immensely strong all the animals were in comparison to the weedy humans they'd decided to have a go at..
The woman who was attacked by the cougar for instance said, She and friend saw the cougar and the very next thing they knew it had leapt onto her knocked her over and was dragging her down the path with her head in it's jaws pulling her along the ground. She survived because it needed to re-grip her by the neck to suffocate her, and her friend was throwing rocks at it, and luckily as it released it's grip a fairly large rock hit it in the head which startled it, and it backed away. But in the time that it wanted to shift it's grip she said the thing basically pinned her to the ground with it's fore paws on her chest, in the article she describes how there was no way she could've got up or fought it, it was just overwhelmingly powerful.
Humans are not apex predators.
Steve Irwin just contacted me via a seance and said crocs are a piece of piss but suggested we all stay well away from sting ray.
From the manual of countryside lore " the wind in the willows" I believe that stoats and weasels are pretty nasty creatures you wouldn't want to face in a fight especially as they have a penchant for knives and flintlocks. Like a drink as well they do.
Otters and Badgers are double hard tho but are on the side of good so you fight alongside them not against them
Moles. I reckon I could take a mole but it wouldn't be very nice and if I did the otters and badgers would extract revenge
so basically against woodland and riverbank creatures you are in big trrouble
We visit relatives in California quite often. There are cougars right in the area (it's where the biker was killed in a sort of family wilderness park). Was talking to a bloke up on the hill who was carrying a gun - he was a copper and said it felt uncomfortable not to (!). I said "might come in handy for a cougar" and he said "nah - bear maybe but if a cougar wants to hurt you, you likely won't even see it".
LOL - or something
Not sure what is more worrying. ~30% of people don’t think they could take on a rat or 10% of americans think they could take on an elephant.
I always thought I could take on a red squirrel.... I know they have vicious teeth but then there is a sign on the road into Inners say's "Danger Red Squirrels" and that got me proper worried... I had visions of one flying in through the open window and going straight for the neck.... so I try and keep the windows up now
Today... I won in a fight 🙂
Weapons of choice for Rat... feet and a broom head.
Finish Him!
Do mice count.
I reckon I could beat a beached whale on points.
there is a sign on the road into Inners say’s “Danger Red Squirrels” and that got me proper worried… I had visions of one flying in through the open window and going straight for the neck…. so I try and keep the windows up now
Many years ago, driving a small van up to Glentress, we saw a sign saying "Caution, Peacocks"
We were like - WTF, how likely is that?! - went round the next bend and right in the middle of the lane was a huge peacock with a great long tail.
It flapped a bit and managed to get airborne enough to slide up the bonnet then the windscreen. Turned out it was some stately home just off that road and they obviously allowed the peacocks free roam of the whole estate.
I imagine that, like swans, a pissed-off peacock could probably break your arm.
I always thought I could take on a red squirrel…. I know they have vicious teeth but
For all those belittling the mighty rat…
What happens if you put him down with a well aimed punch, but he manages to get in a last gasp bite whilst you finish him off at close quarters..
You later contract the plaque or some other hideous rat Bourne disease and die a slow and excruciating death
Does that count as a draw or does the rat win on countback?
Today… I won in a fight 🙂
Weapons of choice for Rat… feet and a broom head.
So, not unarmed then. Technically therefore you are DQ, and it beat you.
crazy-legs
Full MemberI imagine that, like swans, a pissed-off peacock could probably break your arm.
We had mental swans at my old work, I used to tell the kids that there is actually no recorded incidence of a swan breaking a human's arm. There is, however, at least one confirmed murder.
I fought a whole load of canada gooses once. Arguable whether it was a draw or a win for me, I'm claiming a strategic win. But since we know that gorillas and elephants totally shite it off of gooses, I reckon this establishes a pecking order
Me being defeated by a swan
As for large dogs, my dad used to be a dog handler there were a few folk who thought they could take on large dogs, generally the dog always won.
People are generally pretty soft, internet warriors especially 🤣
I would not take on a rat unarmed. They don't eat, don't sleep, they don't feed, they don't seethe, bare their gums when they moan and squeak.
I reckon I could take a coked up grizzly bear.
Skunk.
Me.
No contest😂
“nah – bear maybe but if a cougar wants to hurt you, you likely won’t even see it”.
LOL – or something
A few years ago on holiday I narrowly avoided* being eaten by a big** cat whilst taking photos of an agouti. I'd been squatted down still for a good few minutes when I heard a crunch of leaves behind me, I stood up and spun round to see a large cat making a very very quick bee line towards me/the agouti. It pulled up short as I stood and exclaimed quite loudly "oh that's a surprise" or words to that effect then just sauntered round me, and decided to go find something else for dinner.
It was quite terrifying that it was completely silent except for the leaves both before and after I knew it was there.
*I'm assuming the agouti was to be dinner not me.
**I'm pretty sure it was an ocelot given where I was, it was yellow ish and spoty so either ocelot or jaguar. If it were a jaguar I don't think it would have stopped when I turned out to be 6'4 not 2' tall. That said I reckon it was biiig dog sized, like a big alsatian or something which makes it big for the former.
Either way, but for luck, if it wanted me dead I'd never have known what it was beyond big and hurty.
I would not take on a rat unarmed. they don’t seethe,
Lucky really as you can't fight the seether.
Not bears, this guy only just got away
https://www.outdoorjapan.com/feature-stories/a-bear-is-ripping-off-my-nipple/
I think I'm most worried about animals that can run faster than me and/or climb trees. Actually that's all of them..
A shark could definitely outswim me, but I could easily outrun one, so in a triathlon it would come down to who could cycle faster..........
so in a triathlon it would come down to who could cycle faster……….
Dont triathlons start with the swim?
So it would be too full for either the run or ride.
Dont triathlons start with the swim?
They start and end there to be honest, they're almost all lost in the water*, especially against a shark.
*Maybe less so at the pointy end, but that being said imagine the pointy end of a shark is probably more likely to win in the water.
Yeah, but technically that’s your big, bad wolf. There must be a few small, convivial ones surely? I read as a boy, what you do is jam your forearm in it’s mouth and push it’s head back to break it’s neck. As a nine year old I wasn’t sure how realistic this scenario was.
Let me get this right. The wolf is trying to eat you, so you start stuffing body parts in its mouth. Well, it's a plan, I suppose. Mainly the wolf's plan, but there we go.
Surely be a wolf you just climb a tree then jump on it, what with dogs not being able to look upwards and all.
The wolf is trying to eat you, so you start stuffing body parts in its mouth. Well, it’s a plan, I suppose. Mainly the wolf’s plan, but there we go.
🤣🤣
I'm sure I read somewhere (maybe something like the SAS Survival Handbook...?) that reaching as far down the animal's throat as possible was supposed to be the way to choke it but I can imagine that's one of those things very easy to write and much more difficult to put into practice since the default reaction is to try and pull your hand out of its mouth, not push it further in.
And yes, chances are you'll still end up with a broken arm and a lot of blood loss.
I still think befriending the wolf is the way forward. It worked in Dances With Wolves.
You later contract the plaque
Which will cost you in dentist fees
or some other hideous rat Bourne disease
you wake up not knowing who you are, with a full set of assassin skills
I’m pretty sure it was an ocelot
I know how to titillate an ocelot*.
(*Apparently you have to oscillate its tits a lot.)
I’m sure I read somewhere (maybe something like the SAS Survival Handbook…?)
Or maybe a book by a historical reenactor who always wears full plate armour. Since in that case it is a pretty sound plan although just standing there laughing whilst it breaks its teeth is another.
Jokes about rats aside I've got some rodent in the downstairs ceiling... upstairs floor...
If I can get it to come out I'll face it down .. otherwise a bit stuck as to how to catch the bugger without finding how it got in ... short of traps through light apertures not sure how to proceed... deffo don't want to poison the poor sod inside the roof/floor space
The typos in this thread are great.
things like cougars, dears, hippos, bears that sort of thing.
Little old ladies can be very vicious.
rat Bourne
Just don't let it get its paws on a pen or you're done for
This is the most entertaining thread in ages.
I would not take on a rat unarmed. They don’t eat, don’t sleep, they don’t feed, they don’t seethe, bare their gums when they moan and squeak.
Nice use of Pearl Jam lyrics.
Little old ladies can be very vicious.
cougars or dears?
hat reaching as far down the animal’s throat as possible was supposed to be the way to choke it
This is true, this article covers large dogs, a wolf is a large dog right 😬
https://exigentcircumstance.wordpress.com/2012/08/09/combative-anatomy-how-to-fight-a-dog/
I’m sure I read somewhere (maybe something like the SAS Survival Handbook…?) that reaching as far down the animal’s throat as possible was supposed to be the way to choke it
I read about this (though I think it was a panther rather than a wolf) in one of the ‘Adventure’ books by Willard Price. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adventure_series_(Willard_Price)
Theres lots of advice for surviving attacks by all sorts of animals, including elephants.
KAYAK23.....Just shot hot chocolate out of my nose after reading your pigeon post.
I’m sure I read somewhere (maybe something like the SAS Survival Handbook…?) that reaching as far down the animal’s throat as possible was supposed to be the way to choke it
Not recommended for crocodiles
I would not take on a rat unarmed. They don’t eat, don’t sleep, they don’t feed, they don’t seethe, bare their gums when they moan and squeak.
Suicidal rats near me are pretty stupid. Rather than ending their lives crossing the 4 lanes of 60~70mph traffic, they chose the parallel farm access road and scuttle under my bike wheels and I feel a soft bump.
Some cyclist, up whom I cannot be bothered to look, once said:
“Training is like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t stop when you are tired, you stop when the gorilla is tired.”
I imagine that, like swans, a pissed-off peacock could probably break your arm.
A nasty peck at yer balls, most likely. There’s no chance whatsoever of any bird damaging a human with its wings. Their beaks and claws, however…
Any bird that can crack open a brazil nut with its beak has to be treated with respect, same goes for birds that can take down something like a fox or a deer.
Giraffe
Who thinks they could take on a Giraffe? Bit of a wild card! I’m in two minds to be honest. Half of me thinks yeah, they’re big but they seem brittle and appear to move in slow motion. The other half has visions of being trampled (in slow motion) or whacked with that freaky neck.
We've had a (big) family of rats living under the decking, taking advantage of Mrs STR giving the local bird population lots of food.
They are far more scared of me than I of them. Just have to be careful with leptospirosis. I made her cut the food source down and they left anyway
Once you had it in a headlock it'd be game over, you'd be too heavy to lift (well, i would be) and it couldnt bring its legs to bare against you.
All you need to do now is fogure out how to get a giraffe in a headlock.
Giraffes use their heads as clubs