The bar has been raised in our house today. One of them likes to climb into the tumble drier despite our best efforts.
Only today it coincided with an episode of explosive shartmaggedon. Now have a shite filled tumble drier.
Luckily it's a fairly good quality non-condensing one so there's a chance I can dismantle and clean but fearing there will always be some stench there.
Now that's impressive.
We have a lot of hammer marks in our windowsills...never worked out which did it.
There must be more...
Feel bad laughing but from this distance that is funny.
Hope you do manage to get it cleaned though.
Can’t blame this on my kids because it was me! Tried making wine when I was 14. Put grape juice yeast and sugar into some bottles and put them on top of the shelves in mums kitchen. Came home from school to an almighty bollocking some time later.- they’d exploded all over the ceiling spraying the kitchen in a sticky stinking syrup. I’d completely forgotten about my half arsed “science” experiment.
Someone carved pictures into wallpaper when they were about 4/6 - still never found out if one of them or a friend.
Playing darts without anything around the dartboard or on the (wooden) floor.
It doesn't even get better in the teens. Just redecorated a bedroom. He wanted to practice his baseball pitching and, fair enough, he used my old bouldering mat to save damage to the walls. Only he's not that accurate. This weekend I'll be teaching about plastering.
Hope you do manage to get it cleaned though.
It's looking promising - consistency seems to be korma rice pudding so don't think it's seeped to far
#TOTW contender right here
While ago now, bought some nice new speakers. Thought I'd see how they looked without the mesh covers on.Looked pretty cool, until the next day, when I saw that the child had pushed both cones in. I'm sure he didn't mean to destroy Daddy's nice things but why he did one, then thought hmmm the other needs to match... I'll never know.
Can’t blame this on my kids because it was me! Tried making wine when I was 14. Put grape juice yeast and sugar into some bottles and put them on top of the shelves in mums kitchen. Came home from school to an almighty bollocking some time later.- they’d exploded all over the ceiling spraying the kitchen in a sticky stinking syrup. I’d completely forgotten about my half arsed “science” experiment.
I did similar once - had made sloe gin and then re-used the gin soaked sloes to make Slider (sloe cider) by mixing them with scrumpy. This was all done in a glass bottle with a plastic stopper in it which fit onto a kitchen cupboard shelf with only a few mm to spare. Just as I was leaving the house my other half slid the bottle out of the cupboard only for the stopper to pop out, resulting in an almighty eruption of manky scrumpy and by now very pulpy sloes to cover the kitchen ceiling and walls. I made my excuses and left her there swearing.
lol @ tomd! I still keep abreast of Mr Jamieson of GMBC's exploits via Instagram, this is the kinda thing he posts under his beigelife hashtag, always makes me laugh!.
On my first trip out in our new (to us) T5 Caravelle my lovely son managed to stick a fork in the leather trim on the door and pull the in-built blind out as the electric door was closing completely destroying it. At the time I was furious, on reflection both weren't really his fault I shouldn't have had him in that position to do the damage. The interior is absolutely trashed now after 10 years of abuse if it happened now I wouldn't even bat an eyelid
On one long journey, I realised my then toddler was being quiet in the back. At a suitable juncture, I turned round to see him carefully and methodically grinding fresh strawberry into the door cards and other fabric-covered areas around the rear seat (but not, of course, the actual child seat).
"Strawberry, daddy!", he said, brandishing the worn-down nub of the latest artistic endeavour.
On my first trip out in our new (to us) T5 Caravelle
Yeah feel your pain - took my daughter to collect our new Caddy. She was 4 at the time and long since potty trained but she pished herself bigtime on the way back. Back 2 seats were soaked, smell has been downhill since then.
Only today it coincided with an episode of explosive shartmaggedon. Now have a shite filled tumble drier.
Spectacular! 😆
Different, by my son, now 16 has a history of major medical events just before big summer holidays. Broken arms x3 years in a row, legs, 27stiches in knee, this year was covid. Not the sam, but still destructive.
And another new STW threat has been born “shart in their tumble dryer”
“Strawberry, daddy!”, he said, brandishing the worn-down nub of the latest artistic endeavour
Reminds me of another. "Don't let the kids eat or drink in the front seats" say I to my wife as I head for the supermarket leaving them in the car park. Return to find them in the front seats having poured orange juice into the ignition. Car won't start. In rural France. That was a nice holiday.
When we moved house I thought I'd be helpful to the buyers and leave the paint tins for the wall paints in case they needed to touch up etc. I left them in the corner of the garage (on the perfectly painted garage floor)
The day before we left my 6 year old secretly piled the tins into a pyramid, and then left to 'help' with packing. At some point overnight the top tin fell off his pyramid, bounced on the floor and vomited Oxford Blue all over the garage.
That was a nice welcome for the new buyers 😀
Disclaimer - not my kids but when I was one.
When I was very small, and my big bro slightly less so, we were left in the Morris Marina outside my grandparents for a few minutes while my dad ran in.
"Don't touch the radio or the horn!" were his parting instructions.
So we didn't.
Bro however had a fascination with the cigarette lighter and was entranced by the way the tip glowed orange after he'd pushed it in (I assume it either worked without the keys, or they were left in the ignition - can't remember)
Wondering if it was still hot after the glow had faded, but not wanting to touch it (just in case, y'know), he experimented.
He decided the best way was to 'enhance' the vinyl padded dashboard by branding little circles all over it, delighting at his artwork and the smell.
Memories are sketchy, but I seem to recall my dad being less than delighted!
Bro's a graphic designer now...
When she was about three my daughter decided to make the tricky ascent up to the 'out of reach' snack cupboard to win a prize of a chocolate penguin.
Unfortunately, just as she got to the choclatey prize, she fell. She grabbed the cupboard door handle, pulling it off. The door hit the microwave underneath, smashing the glass door, the digital radio fell of the microwave, breaking on the floor, but not before leaving a big dent in the laminate.
So broken cupboard, microwave, digital radio and damaged floor. But no penguin.
My parents washing machine had a broken door release, so they used to use the emergency cable pull at the bottom of the machine. It worked and saved replacing the machine.
My brother was ~5 when he decided he would help Mummy empty the washing machine - only it was still mid cycle and full of water when he pulled the cable and the door popped open...flooding the entire kitchen!
Mine was I was so excited in a hot car on a French road that we were going to Disney World that I threw up - right into the fan unit on the car fridge plugged in on the floor next to me. I remember being sat by the side of the road feeling rough, watching my Dad trying to shake sick out through the vent!
OP - you have made me laugh a lot! Thanks. Good luck!
2 which spring to mind are both car related -
Youngest daughter eating a Cadburys cream egg in the back of my BMW - decided she didn't like the goo inside so wiped the whole lot along the alcantara door trim.
Eldest daughter vomited chocolate milkshake over the seats in my 3 day old Passat back in 2014.
If you've ever tried to remove milk from car seats (especially in part-digested vomit form) its basically impossible...
I was all ready to list some of the unintentionally destructive stuff our kids have done, but I am sorry – there is no way the OP post will ever be beaten so I won't try.
Good work OPs offspring.
Not quite on topic, but loosely related...
I was impressed with my daughters irony skills when she killed a spider with her RSPCA annual.
We have been quite lucky so far. Probably the worst was vomiting milk all over the back of the car. I took the back seat out and pressure washed it, once dry you would never have known.
The other was pouring a juice carton into the laptop keyboard.
Oldest was about 6 at the time, we were out for a walk and we found some natural chalk.
He decided to keep a chunk of chalk rock - fast forward a few days later and there was a nice chalk drawing on the bonnet of the car…
…let’s just say the chalk drawing didn’t just dust off. Oh how we all laughed!
My neighbour eventually bought the car from us, he questioned the go faster markings, we told him it must have been local youths ! * he still has the car and yes the drawings are still on the bonnet.
Oldest was advised never to chalk draw again…on paint work of cars.
My son moved in to his girlfriend's house. It wasn't well equipped and his Gran bought him a new cooker, so I wired it in for them, and left the instructions on top. Her 3 year old wandered into the kitchen, found this new thing with nice twiddly knobs on the front and set the instructions on fire. Fortunately the smoke warned them before it spread.
I don't have kids but one of my friends daughters decided to clean the TV screen, only she used a piece of sandpaper instead of a duster....
This is a great thread.
Driving back from a wedding down the M6 in my van, the wife decided her hangover needed flat coke. I can see her shaking the bottle but wasn't prepared for her then opening it in an explosion of fizz round the cabin whilst I'm swerving around trying to keep control. She is still embarassed 15 years on.
Mates boys decided it would be a great idea to spray massive cocks on the road of their cul-de-sac in wd40. 3 years on and every time it rains they reveal themselves.
Mates boys decided it would be a great idea to spray massive cocks on the road of their cul-de-sac in wd40. 3 years on and every time it rains they reveal themselves.
Oh that’s brilliant.
Driving back from a wedding down the M6 in my van, the wife decided her hangover needed flat coke. I can see her shaking the bottle but wasn’t prepared for her then opening it in an explosion of fizz round the cabin whilst I’m swerving around trying to keep control. She is still embarassed 15 years on
my wife did this too. although we were in france and she was driving. I still laugh at her every time we drive around paris.
she also tried to drink prosecco as it spouted vertically from the recently dropped, and even more recently opened, bottle sat on teh worktop with teh effect of spreading it further around the kitchen. I was quite impressed with her effort to minimise wastage though!
I cant recally anything massively expensive the kids have done. 1 drew on the walls a bit but nothing a coat of white paint wouldnt cure and certainly not OP standard.
Bosses kids decided to clean his new car with snow, picked up from the gravel drive, suffice to say it didn't buff out.
When I was little I loved throwing stones into water, my grandparents still had a downstairs loo by the backdoor and a big pebble to hold the back door open. Dropped it in the toilet, big splash, and then it went through the side of the bowel. I was not popular.
related to the OP's story but without the poop, my kids love to collect rocks, our old washing machine had died so we popped out to argos picked up a new one lugged it up to our third floor flat plumbed in, set off the first load and popped out to the park. upon our return the block of flats sounded like someone was doing some wall demolition....... it was the new washing machine trying to escape the kitchen as a giant peeble was wedged between the glass door and the drum! the machine only did one more wash before the bearing broke on the drum. moral of the story check ALL pockets and pay for the insurance!
I once drove home in my brand new VW Passat co car. It was a 5 mile journey. I remember this as that is how long it lasted before it got its first mark. Well a complete respray of the front wing & door.
I had pulled up at home to show the car to my wife and my excited son rode up to me on his little bike, accidentally running his brake lever down the side of my car.
Oh how we laughed about that one.
I won't grass kids up so here are some of mine
Show off Uncle drove over 100 miles to 'just pop in' in his shiney new Jaguar or Rover and take us out for a drive. I was allowed to sit in the front so I could see all the switches and he could make Mum and Dad squeeze in the back. The new car smell over came my delicate stomach and I threw up into the air vents and central console which shorted out the window switches so we had to drive home with just the smell being blown around the car.
The day my parents sold their car the new one wasn't available for collection but they did the paperwork and sold it with the proviso that they could still use it until the new car was ready at the weekend. I borrowed it to drive to a mates house and at the single width hump[ back bridge on the way there a car coming towards me thought he could get over the bridge. He did but unfortunately I drove over his bonnet and right down the side of his car while he did it. Both write-offs.
Pouring petrol from the lawn mower tank over a tennis ball, lighting it and kicking it around the closed garage is great fun until Dad walks in, knocks the can all over the floor and suddenly you are engulfed in a flame inferno.
There are more...
When our girls were just over one year old, my wife was taking them out in the car so she got one and took her out to put her in her car seat, leaving the other in the house. When she was walking back to the front door she saw her flicking the latch on the mortice deadbolt on our very recently installed high security solid oak front doors.
She was in a panic and called me home from work to help and after about thirty minutes of trying to encourage her to throw the latch open again (without success). At this point our daughter found a plastic bag and started playing with it so I had no choice but to shoulder charge the back door down (which was easier to break down than the front doors). It still made a hell of a mess of the frame though.
There are more…
As it is you that is sharing these stories I can believe them.
My sister did a good one too. She drove Dad's Ford Cortina into the garage with a bike firmly attached to the roof rack.
The bike was smashed.
The up and over double garage door was dented beyond repair.
The mounting points for the garage door were partially ripped from the wall and ceiling so the garage needed a new ceiling.
The roof rack was clamped to the rain gutters of the car roof which it neatly removed while still bending to be useable.
The car, without the rain gutters, had nothing to hold the roof panel on properly so was written off.
Apparently she was very upset and we weren't allowed to mention it ever again and certainly not post it on the internet.
Just thinking back, my Dad's last three Fords were all written off in accidents involving my sister or me.
The red one died during a driving lesson with Mum she shouted stop as I approached a round about. she should have said slow but I did what she said and slammed on the brakes, locking the wheels and getting hit up the chuff by a Transit carrying scaffolding.
That was replaced by the blue one my sister wrote off a few months later and then the bridge was a burgundy Sierra. After that my parents switched to Toyotas and have only wrote two of those off in the following 20 years.
Eldest at age 2 and a bit decided to draw a nice picture.
On the neighbours new Jaguar driver and passenger door with a pebble.
😲
If we are getting on to our mishaps I have one...
When we were kids (I was about nine, middle of three boys), my younger brother had a paddy, smashed a toy up and threw it around the room so I walked out and left him to it. When I went back in I sat down on the sofa and spectacularly cut my hand open on the ripped apart remnants of his tin toy, leading to copious amounts of blood everywhere. I went to see my mum who was trying to sort me out when my older brother saw the bloodbath and promptly fainted, hitting his head and cutting that open, leading to more blood everywhere.
Still - mine was the most impressive – I had to go to A&E for stitches and I still have the scar some 45 years later.
As WCA – I have more too...
We went on holiday in summer, not wanting to go abroad with everything going on, we went to Bristol with some friends and their kids, thought it would be good striking distance for Bath, Cardiff and a few other places.
One day we went to Longleat Safari park, 4 times my mate asked his 8 year old daughter if she needed a wee before we drove through the animal enclosures, each time she said she was fine.
As we drove around, he followed me slowly through the monkeys, the tigers etc, when we got to the lions enclosure, all of a sudden i see him pull around me, and drive as quickly as you can in amongst lions to the exit, unfortunately the exits have a queue and you have to wait for gate behind to close, before one in front opens...
When we finished, i asked him if all was alright, apparently as soon as they entered lions enclosure, she had announced she was desperate for a pee, they told her to hang on, but too late, all they had to hand was a picnic set, so had filled 3 mugs, a tupperware bowl and most of the footwell of his new Golf..
desperatebicycle
Free Member
While ago now, bought some nice new speakers. Thought I’d see how they looked without the mesh covers on.Looked pretty cool, until the next day, when I saw that the child had pushed both cones in. I’m sure he didn’t mean to destroy Daddy’s nice things but why he did one, then thought hmmm the other needs to match… I’ll never know.
Mine did that too. Fixed them with a Hoover
I was browsing our local DIY store with my pre school children when a staff member tapped me on my shoulder and informed me my daughter was taking a dump in one of the display toilets. Happens quite often, apparently.
Mine did that too. Fixed them with a Hoover
I am reporting you to Social Services.
So broken cupboard, microwave, digital radio and damaged floor. But no penguin.
No pudding either!
Standard set of rugrat related incidents involving crayons, crushed sweets, liquids, wallpaper, floors and the inside of cars. Also each other, both being hospitalised by the other one. Not on purpose, apparently.
But the one that sticks with me is when we were staying over at my Brothers and his wife house with our 2 young kids. They didn't have any kids at that time, and their house was pristine and very tidy. Kids were put into the spare room which also contained their favourite/treasured photos all carefully collated and filed. Printed on extremely expensive paper. Total of around 30.
Not one survived contact with our 2. Came in to find the last being torn to shreds by child#1. Child#2 was by now almost buried in ripped up paper shards.
My bro - to be fair - was very good about it. He was more concerned about the health of our kids. Because, Yes, Child#2 had in fact eaten quite a lot of the evidence.
Oh, I also forgot about the time we left a bottle of (unopened) Calpol on the changing mat of one of the kids rooms.
SO clearly he managed to rip the top off.
Cue hospital trip while they ascertained if he had drunk it or not (he had not) and interview with social services about leaving medicines out.
(I guess that one is more crappy parenting than weird kids though)
I was browsing our local DIY store with my pre school children when a staff member tapped me on my shoulder and informed me my daughter was taking a dump in one of the display toilets. Happens quite often, apparently.
I was still chuckling reading the OPs post (sorry OP!) but this one was a proper tea-strained-through-the-nose-onto-the-keyboard experience 🙂
Not exactly destructive, but I had just received my order at a streetside bar in Spain when my daughter, then aged about 2, announced she needed to do a wee. I didn't want to lose the table, nor head off to the toilet leaving my drink and her ice cream on the table, so decided I could just hide between two parked cars next to the table and she could do a quick wee there. Of course it wasn't a wee she needed...
Family holiday driving to Dover and late for a ferry. 40 miles away daughter chunders massively but its OK we have developed a very efficient tupperware system. 20 miles out from Dover however, she declares she needs a poo. This really tested our system. Arriving at Dover with tubs of chunder and shit emphasises that parenthood affords little dignity. Her poor brother had to witness it all and looked shocked.
Ah this thread is perfect - 2 both involving cars and the same child.
1. My first "proper" car, which was a 2nd hand bimmer, I was washing it not long after i bought it, and my son who was about 2-3 at the time and already fitting the mold of "i will destroy your life" (my 5 year old daughter in comparison was/is brilliant), wanted to help. I said ok in moment.. - my moment was clearly too long as he had started already - and i intilly thought oh mum had given him a sponge.... NO, he decided a big stone was sufficient and copied my actions. i lost the plot big time at everyone, and had to calm down and apologise.. never did fix the paintwork as i had no money left.
2. After bimmer no1, i'd moved up in jobs and had a bit more money and as a family travelling more, so splashed out on a new 5series Touring - it was only 12 months old, previosouly owned by a judge top spec and a steal, (though still a huge purchase for me). Had for all of 1 week, took family out, my missus decided that son could eat loads of fruit and juice just before the journey home -i said no but was over-ruled as usual. Cue 5tonnes of puke all over the seats and floor - it stank it was also summer and my first clean did nothing to remove the smell - i ended up stripping the back of the car and scrubbing everything with baking powder..
only 12 months old, previosouly owned by a judge top spec and a steal,
And how did His Honour react to the car theft?
“ Bosses kids decided to clean his new car with snow, picked up from the gravel drive, suffice to say it didn’t buff out.”
Friend of mine washed his dads car when he was a young teen and dropped the sponge on the ground a couple of times while soaping it up and rinsing. This resulted in lots of tiny, but obvious - as it was a new car - scratches all over the paintwork as grit got embedded in the sponge.
The car had to be resprayed by the manufacturers. Which was very very very very expensive.
Why so costly? It was a Ferrari 348. 😳
My friends dad had just bought a new car, can’t recall what it was but it was expensive. Said friend had a motorbike he called the Joe 90, again I can’t recall what it was. He was doing donuts on the driveway when he slipped and lost control of the bike.
The bike managed to ride up the car bonnet by itself and stick there. Basically humping the front of the car, trashing the bonnet, windshield and the roof. It was spectacular and like the bike was alive.
My then 2 year old covered her body, head, hair and pyjamas in sudocrem. You had to laugh, she certainly found it hilarious.
My brother and I were getting the rarest of things, a lift to school from our Dad, and my brother left his door more than ajar, unbeknown to my Dad who started to reverse up the drive, collecting the neighbours wall and fence and pushing the passenger door in-line with the drivers door. We were late for school. Car was a new red D reg Montego.
I once took the kerplunk sticks and a Knitting needle and tried to make a spiky crown for my baby brothers head - I got some to go in. My mum used to bring this up often and not always in a humorous way, understandable really.
We found out my sister had a severe allergic reaction to wasp stings after I launched a brick at a wasp bike.
More car + puke but spectacular execution. We took the two kids, then 4 and 6, out for the first ever drive in a brand new Skoda Octavia, to see the new house we were moving to no less. My daughter, 4, managed to vomit but like some sort of gannet contortionist, managed to project her stream of filth, laser-like, at the seat belt entry point. Therefore most of the gunk went straight through the seat into the bodywork. I stripped the seat off as best I could (it still doesn't fit back perfectly) but needless to say, it stank for a few years.
And just as that was wearing off our male cat pissed on the seat on the way to the vet.
For sale, Skoda Octavia 2014 model, one careful owner...
From my side, aged two and with my dad away at work (pilot, so couldn't pop home) I slammed the front door on my nightie-clad mother as she went to fetch the milk. Classic.
She then got the neighbour to lend her a ladder... and a hammer. Climbing over the neighbour's fence, he probably copping an eyeful, her plan was to break a window on the full length glass rear door. But I was watching and I had my Tip-Tap Hammer Set and I wasn't afraid to use it. By the time she got to me I had done a couple of full length windows in the conservatory and the back of the house looked like it'd been hit by a bomb. As recounted by my mother obviously, my memories of 1982 being a little thin.
My then 2 year old cat covered her body, head, hair and pyjamas in sudocrem. You had to laugh, she certainly found it hilarious.
Rode my bike down the side of my dad's car. Putting a lovely go faster stripe in the paint work. Which airfix enamal paint spectacularly failed to match. Much to my and my fathers annoyance
Son who is 2 just tried to draw on my car door today with some slate chippings from the driveway. Result is some quite big scratches. 3 days ago he grabbed the front grill of the car and snapped one of the plastic fins, that one I was more annoyed about as replacing the grill is the only way to fix that.
I'm always proud of my own endeavor of scratching some words into the side of my Dad's new company car with a rock. An absolute rollicking would likely have been in order, had I not chosen the words "I love you Dad." Still makes my Mum laugh 30 odd years later as he just didn't know how he could react to it.
I used to like throwing darts at stuff. Bottles of coke was a favourite. "WHy is this leaking?" "Don't know, weird isn't it". "It happened again!" "They must be cheaping out on the bottles. Throwing them "between" my brother's feet was another, somehow the "between" didn't always work out so he ended up with a dart stuck in him.
I forgot all this and years later unscrewed the flights off a dart and threw them at his head, he went absolutely apeshit, I had no idea why then everyone reminded me of all the other times I'd thrown darts at him and I was like, oh yeah, that's fair enough really.
The six year old girl decided (for reasons still not clear) to swing open the door of our one month old Tesla Model 3 as her nine year old brother road past on a BMX. He went flying and narrowly missed smacking his head on a BT box.
It did leave a lovely imprint of a handlebar end and stunt peg in the door.
🤦🏻♂️
Right things have escalated.
Yesterday we never got round to clearing up the mess. It was discussed again this morning, before I headed out with kids for swimming and shopping.
Before I went out I put a wash on. All my commuting bike stuff and a few of wife's sports things, kid's fleeces.
She went and tumble dried it. Which has just come to light.
I'm very lucky to have this opportunity to practice mindfulness. Although we do need a new patio.
😂😂😂😂
Definite 'best thread' contender. Laughed all the way through it.
Yesterday we never got round to clearing up the mess.
What?
It was discussed again this morning,
And the outcome wasn’t cleaning the shit out of the drier ASAP?
She went and tumble dried it. Which has just come to light.
I have more questions. How? And how?
I think we were in denial that someone had shat in the tumble drier. Close door, leave utility room and pretend things are fine.
The next day makes no sense to me either. I think in between remembering to clean it there was a distraction, then washing machine beeped which triggered an automated chuck it in the tumble dryer.
Having had a man in to replace the belt on our drier this week, I was amazed at how many unscrewy bits there were to get to the pulley things and how much space was in there that would trap centrifuged poo once squeezed out of the drum holes.
Money in the car CD player.
Long before I was around my Mum and her siblings used to have a pet Tortoise, that would hibernate in a cardboard box in the garage every winter.
Her Dad, my much missed Grandad, Queen Scout and master of rafts, explosions, homemade rockets and deadly go karts bought Mums younger Brother a .22 rifle, but it was secret, so he had to keep it in the garage. Where he could lie on the floor. And hang paper targets against that safe background of a pile of cardboard boxes...
Come Spring, out emerged a shell with a few too many holes in it filled with some sort of biological liquid goo... Poor thing.
I remember as a teenager being at my Dad's place after school before he got home, playing Public Enemy on my his big stereo. Turned it up nice and loud (+Bass) before heading downstairs to the toilet.
Awesome, I can still hear it really well down here. Then a big thud and silence.
Went upstairs to find the speaker had migrated from the 6ft high wall mount... down to the drinks cabinet. It took some explaining.
Insurance agent, “So how did your television’s screen get smashed Sir?”
bensales, “A Fireman Sam, aged 3, was sword fighting with the cat using a small statue ornament.”
Insurance agent, “I see, well that’s covered, would you like a cheque or bank transfer?”
John Lewis home insurance isn’t all bad.
My youngest daughter went after some hidden chocolate in the kitchen cupboard. Pulled herself up on the counter, and down came a 4 door wall mounted kitchen unit, full of glasses mugs and crockery. One almighty smash. Incredibly, she was completely unscathed.
At the age of 5 I decided my 3 year old brother looked a bit dirty and needed a good clean.
Covered him in Mr Sheen and was just about to start dusting when my mum walked in….
My eldest seems to be somewhat of a specialist at self jeopardy and low level destruction.
When he was two he managed to lock his mum in the garden of our linked semi while she pegged out the washing. All attempts to coax him to turn the key were met by him putting some coins in his mouth and wandering off into the house. The resulting panicked 999 call resulted in our neighbours fence being destroyed by the policeman climbing over the garage to get to the patio doors. In the meantime his colleague managed to, via the letterbox, convince my son to turn the keys in the front door saving the day.
At the start of the pandemic the same son, now eight, become so ill and unresponsive we called an ambulance. While the paramedics were sorting out which hospital would take him he launched black vomit all over our week old pale grey carpet and one of the poor chaps. To add insult to injury his colleague scooped some up, put it under my nose and said "I've got a mask on, does that smell like blood to you?" Laddo later tested positive for gastro-enteritis and coco pops.
He has also ruined at least two of my shirts with falls that have required stiches.
He has recently started mountain biking, so it's only a matter of time...
Friends son undid handbrake on car which rolled down section into the sea. Car was 1 day old.
As a kid (about 11) my brother and I were playing a game of chicken in the dad’s barn which involved sitting on top of all the bales of straw and starting a small fire with matches. The goal of the game was to see how was bravest (dumbest?) by waiting the longest before stamping it out.
25 years later I recounted the ‘witty anecdote’ which started “Dad, you remember when the barn burnt down in the summer of 1990?…” suffice to say he didn’t see the funny side and he didn’t speak to me for a few weeks.
The kids recently tried to do the washing for us but used a purple bath bomb instead of Ariel (they’re 3). Luckily it was only my green ambulance uniform but took a few washes to make wash it all out.
Well, if we’re now talking other offspring than our own.. my little brother once set fire to our house. Mum saw smoke coming out of his bedroom window… “where is he?!”, I go round the side of the house where he’s trying to light the garden fence with a zippo lighter. Turned out he was lighting random stuff and a piece of rope wouldn’t go out, so he threw it under his bed and ran outside to find something else to burn. Made the local paper n everything.
Apparently, the insurance payout got my parents out of some financial difficulties, so he never really got in trouble. Pah.
