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RJ. I just want you to know that we all support you so rant away. Having just lost my dad (2 weeks ago) and my mum went 6 years ago I am coming to terms with being at the top rung of the family (bar my brother who is 3years older). It really is a shit feeling having gone through the care process over the last 6-12 months. On top of that MrsG82 is suffering big depression/anxiety while being pregnant. We get some support from my bro but he and his wife are firm believers that mental health sufferers should suck it up. FFS!
We are all spread far and wide but shout if you need anything as there are many kind souls on here and I for one will help where I can.
RJ - How did things go with the assessor?
Hoping that there was a decent outcome for team RJ
The assessor turned up at 8pm eventually, he'd had a busy day by all accounts! Dad was trying to say he was coping fine and just wanted everything cleared up but I managed to get the assessor and me alone while we inspected the garden shed and fencing. Ha said straight away he would be recommending an urgent relocation as there is no way staying in the house is an option with the stench and lack of facilities. The issue is that there is very little alternatives locally so they're still trying to sort that out. They did have one place to offer but it was in Tredegar that dad refused point-blank, citing transport links as he needs to get to hospital for chemo every week plus tests etc. I think he's going to just refuse everything though as a few neighbours have offered solutions between them for the next week or so but he is turning them down, I only found out this when one of them caught me putting the rubbish in the skip and told me! The issue is he didn't report the flooding until Monday (it happened early Sunday morning) so everyone else's insurance had already snapped up what little options there were before his insurers knew about it. If anyone knows of anything that's available for short term rent in the Abergavenny/Crickhowell/Brecon area that is suitable for two elderly people with mobility issues, takes dogs and has 3 bedrooms (one for mum, one for dad and one for my cousin who is living with them still) then PM me as it's getting desperate. The workmen are coming Friday to start the gutting and drying out work and he cannot still be there for that. If he doesn't accept something by then the insurers are completely allowed to move him to anywhere they deem suitable and that could be a long way from home. Neither me or my sister have room for even one of them at our places otherwise we'd have had him out of there by now.
Went there yesterday to clear out all the rotting food from the freezers and cupboards, there was an awful lot! I knew they had a hoarding issue but there was 2 full-size freezers, two fridges and countless cupboards full of food to get rid of. 19 refuse sacks are now in the skip at the top of the road! They had both hidden stashes of pasta, cereal, sauces and tins in multiple drawers and cupboards, all 'just in case'. I found a perfectly preserved 3 pack of 1kg Kellogg's Corn Flakes boxes in one cupboard, they went out of date in 2015. Worst though was the stench from it all, I had to go and throw up half way through as it was completely overwhelming.
My sister told me later that she had had to stop dad rescuing tins from the mud-covered drawers on Thursday as he was going to wash them and keep them, he admitted to her he'd been doing the same with cereal boxes that were just above the water line. Completely unacceptable for him in his current state. He genuinely thinks he's coping fine with it all, neighbours have told me he's refusing any offers of food or drink and all he's worrying about is silly stuff like are the recycling bins clean ready for the rubbish on Wednesday.
Mum is still in hospital and will be for a while now. Her immune system is basically attacking her skin, producing loads of water blisters that are rupturing and leaving her covered in scabs and weeping wounds. As she's in hospital I don't have to worry about her too much, just keep the visits from me or my sister regular and take in supplies of treats for her.
I managed to get the heating in the house running again so dad's not having to rely on the wood burner for heat. We've also found him a small fridge (a Guinness novelty one) so he can keep milk fresh. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have though as he's too comfortable sat there all warm watching TV! I couldn't just not do anything though. It's completely gut-wrenching to see him living in what's basically squalor when there's help if he wants it, why he's being the way he is I don't know. It's like dealing with a 5 year old at times.
So yeah, things are moving forward but nowhere near fast enough for various reasons. The priority is to get them safe, clean accommodation as everything else can then move at whatever pace it needs to. Again, if anyone knows of anything that's available for short term rent in the Abergavenny/Crickhowell/Brecon area that is suitable for two elderly people with mobility issues, takes dogs and has 3 bedrooms (one for mum, one for dad and one for my cousin who is living with them still) then PM me as it's getting desperate. The insurers reckon 2-3 months to sort the house out but it could be longer.
2020 was meant to be a better year than 2019, it hasn't started well.
Time to update this I think.
We found mum and dad a place to stay while the house is being fixed after the flooding. A family friend has opened up their house for them and they are now living there. It's less than half a mile away from home so they're very happy to be in familiar surroundings and the family friend has gone way above what they needed to to make them comfortable. Mum is also now out of hospital.
That's the good news over with.
Bad news is dad is really suffering from the extra stress on top of his chemotherapy. He's visibly losing weight rapidly and his mind is really struggling to keep track of conversations and day-to-day life. Mum is coping but her watching him deteriorate is really getting to her, thankfully the family friend who is putting the up is really helping her cope. I'm limiting my number of visits due to the virus but I'm making sure I phone them every few days with my sister doing the same. It's a struggle but we're just taking it one day at a time, we can't really do any more than that.
The work on the house hasn't even started yet, it's going to be a long time before it does. I helped clear most of the savable stuff out with my sister last week so it's all ready to go but the longer it's left the worse it will get.
So it's not really moving forward or backwards as such, it's the worry about the Covid-19 situation that's the main focus right now. They're both in the most at-risk group: old and with poor immune systems. I fear it's only a matter of time before they get it and then it'll be partly down to luck on what happens then.
Tough times lay ahead.
I’m afraid I have nothing to offer other than best wishes. It sounds like your focus now really should be supporting your mum. Oh, and looking after that family friend. Good luck with it all!
If I knew where you were I would give you a hug!
I can only imagine what those of you with relatives with underlying health issues are going through at the moment with Covid-19 looming over.
Well it looks like I saw both mum and dad for the last time for a while yesterday. Didn't plan on seeing them but I went down to the house to start work on the garden and they saw my car and popped in to say hi. Had a quick chat with them and no physical contact and have told them that if they see my car again to call me first.
Bloody heartbreaking thing to say to your parents when they need my help the most.
Well time to put a bit of good news on this thread, although it will be counteracted by bad news too.
Finally got my dad to see sense and stop going out every morning to the newsagents for the daily papers. Between me and the shop staff pestering him he's agreed to have them delivered. Small victory but a good one.
That's the good news, the bad news is that he's really starting to go downhill due to his chemotherapy being paused during the current situation. Mum says he's getting visibly weaker every day and he is really struggling with his immediate memory. He's still fine on the big things like where he is, what day it is etc but anything done in the 30 sec - 5 minute range is lost on him. It's driving my mum crazy but there is nothing we can do about it.
The hardest bit about all of this is that neither me or my sister can go and see them, check things first hand. Phone calls just don't cut it and they have no means of doing video calls. I felt helpless before all of this but doubly so now. Mum will keep ticking on for a while yet but I genuinely don't see how dad can survive until the end of the summer.
Well after a month of no real change in anything it looks like my dad's cancer is starting to run amok again. He's suffering with new lesions popping up all over his skin and the old ones that were receding thanks to treatment are coming back. He hasn't had any chemo for 5 weeks now but the hospital are keen to get him back in as soon as they can but that could be a while. The cancer ward has no staff due to redeployment and absences so while it's there it's pretty useless with no staff. He's starting to go stir-crazy too, going out once a week for his treatment would actually be a good thing for him mentally as well as physically. He's still venturing down to the house every few days with my mum to do some gardening and sorting as it's only 500 yards away and the workmen aren't there (all on furlough) so I don't know whether that's helping him mentally or not.
Really hard to know exactly what their situation is over the phone, they both have a habit of understating things (it's actually a family trait!) and insisting they're all fine but as I can't visit them and see for myself it's very hard to not worry.
Sad as this situation sounds, the fact that he is getting out a bit is good, much better than many people (my mum was a prime example) who simply shut down and do nothing but get futile treatment till they die. So celebrate (and focus on) his successes in doing stuff I say.
I feel for you reluctant, my Dad died last Monday after a relatively short battle. And I suffered all those things you mentioned, the main one being getting what was really happening over the phone.
He mentally checked out months ago so the information we were getting was next to nothing making the stress of not knowing whether to go visit him today, tomorrow or next week or is he even alive draining. Luckily we got to see him 2 days before he died and it was obvious he was going then, so we at least got to say a goodbye
Now we have to deal with a Covid funeral were they'll be 12 people (as opposed to 100+), his body will already be there, then its a 20 minute service with no wake. We'll do something in the summer but it won't be the same
Like CSB says the fact hes getting out and about is a positive sign, my Dad (though he had some complications) didn't leave the house after Christmas, which in part led to his rapid decline
Sorry to hear that Mehr, not the best of times to be dealing with funerals and all.
Yeah, happy he's getting out relatively safely but having not seen him for nearly 6 weeks now means I have no idea how he really is. He was visibly looking older and weaker every time I saw him since the end of January so hopefully he's not deteriorated too far since. The urge to just jump in the car and go see them both is rather strong but I have to resist. The hope is he easily makes it long enough to move back into the family home and get settled again. I think being in familiar surroundings and being able to potter around on his own little projects would do him the world of good but that may be a long time away.
It's a strange situation where I want lockdown to end ASAP so I can go see them but also don't want it to end as it's there to protect people exactly like them.
Oh FFS!!
Just been delivering to a customer on a retail park and spotted my mum's car in the car park. Rang her and they're both in B&Q to buy a lawnmower, hedge trimmer and mulcher. I've already arranged for a neighbour's son to do the lawn once a week so there is no reason for them to be out!
The place is full of old biddies too, all out to get plants and compost. Don't think they got the memo the bank holiday isn't today.
So angry right now.
Reluctantjumper, it's at this stage I think you need to pull back a bit for your own sanity. You clearly care immensely, but they're adults and clearly aren't listening. If you try too hard to 'parent' them you'll do yourself in.
I'm trying to but it's incredibly hard when one minute they're asking for help and advice then they go against it or just plain ignore thing.
At least I know I definitely couldn't deal with having any kids!
Well I've just had a tough phone call with my mum.
She's rather worried about how dad is doing. He's visibly losing a lot of weight and his legions are running riot with a few looking like they've become infected. The local nurse that has been coming to dress his wounds has referred him to the high risk team that are dealing with urgent cases right now and they've agreed to get him in for an examination early next week. She took blood and skin samples today for urgent analysis as she's concerned with the way everything has flared up in the last week. As it's been nearly 7 weeks since his last chemotherapy session it's looking like the cancer has come back strong and with a vengeance. The cancer ward that was treating him is still not operational so they're having to see where they can get him to be assessed and possibly restart treatment.
Bit of a shock to the system as he was getting along fine recently from what he was telling everyone. He could have been hiding it from us, easily done over the phone, bu even my mum has been caught out by it. jsut got to wait and see what the docs say next week.
Sorry to hear that. this sort of thing is tough at the best of times.
Hospitals are generally managing this sort of thing well by cohorting patients so risk of going in to hospital is low.
good luck
It's not the risk of catching anything that's the issue at his hospital, it's staffing levels hence why they have had to refer him.
Trying not to worry as there's nothing I can do to control the situation but on top of everything else it's not great.
Time for a little update on this, mainly to keep it as a sort of record of things!
Have seen mum and dad a few times now since I've been allowed to according to the WAG. It was a massive shock the first time! They're still both living in the friend's house as the workmen haven't managed to finish fixing the flood damage, just waiting on fixtures to go in before decorating so not long left. That's all in hand though as steady progress has been made and we can all see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's been so long the dog has forgotten where is proper home is!
What shocked me though was seeing dad for the first time in months and it's taken a few visits to take it all in. He's lost (and still losing) a lot of weight, as in a few stone, and it really shows on him. He's gone from looking like he was 60-70 to definitely looking his full 80 years and a bit more. He's not quite at the stage where he looks hollowed out but it's not far away! He's been having chemo again for a few weeks now and it has made a difference to his lesions. He's definitely more comfortable too. He's also becoming incredibly forgetful and nadgery, to the point he's driving my mum nuts most days. Nothing we can do about that but let it wash over us I suppose. HE's still got his marbles but it takes a long time to explain things to him now and he easily gets obsessed about stupid little things. What is worrying us all though is that he's very low on energy, he needs to take 2-3 naps every day and doing anything physical wipes him out for a few hours. Again, nothing we can do for him but that doesn't make it any less painful to see.
Mum's coping ok, still covered in little scabs from the auto-immune system fighting itself but on the whole doing ok. I think looking after dad is one of the things that's keeping her going.
What's worrying me is that I don't want to go and see them. I've got a lot of stress on my side to deal with right now (redundancy, uncertain future etc) and having to deal with them on top is close to pushing me over the edge so I'm limiting my time there with them. As I've been pushed beyond my capacity not long ago I'm very aware that I need to avoid that happening again. I know I'm close to it as I have had to leave a ride with mates early and turn down shifts at my temporary part-time job as I just couldn't process it. The temporary job is also messing me around with the possibility of going full-time soon and there are a few other things that worry me about the way the place is run too, all adds up to extra stress. Thankfully money isn't an immediate issue as my redundancy pay will give me a healthy cushion but I really don't want to eat into that cushion if I can help it. I have a nasty feeling I'm going to need it to support mum and dad in the not-too-distant future.
So that's the current state of play. Small bits of good news but lots of bad in there too.
So glad for the update.
You are a hero going through all this and keeping us updated.
Nowhere near a hero! Just fighting the battles as they come.
You are doing way better than I am. I am watching (slightly different but no less disturbing) decline but they’re in Germany and I’m here. So well done for being able to help out proactively but also don’t beat yourself up about what you can’t do (this is something I am working on).
RJ that reads like a lot more positives than negatives. And they sound like they've got a modicum of quality of life.
I got to see my Dad of 87 (who'd been isolated since March) last week for the 1st time. It was lovely, outside in the garden, but not being able to hug him or him hug the kids was sad. Getting old really looks like it sucks doesn't it!
Hit a bit of an issue yesterday.
The workmen have nearly finished repairing the house after the flood damage, the last few jobs were meant to be done this week. On Monday the gas fitter came to fit the cooker only for him to say he couldn't install it as the wiring arrangements around it were against regs so he had to refuse. The main supply for the cooker is off to the right where he said it has to be behind the cooker with a remote switch. No problem, if that's how it's got to be then so be it. To fix it though the workmen will need to remove 2m of the tiling and a new cupboard, install a new hidden wire, remove the old wiring and then refit everything. Just another setback so no big deal.
Except both mum and dad have got it into their heads they're moving back in this week. Mum had placed a home delivery from Iceland for today of enough food to fill the freezers (she has two for some odd reason), tomorrow there is a delivery of furniture scheduled and dad has started to get small boxes out of storage and filling the drawers up. I knew none of this.
Yesterday I went down to assemble the kitchen table and chairs plus mow the lawns. Did all of that with no issue, put the white goods in their places and ready to be switched on for the food delivery. It was only at the end of this that dad mentioned the cooker issue and showed me the email from the insurance co. contact. It stated:
Work is on pause until the cooker issue has been resolved.
Any new deliveries of furniture or getting items out of storage should be put on hold until further notice.
The handover day will be pushed back, a new date will be advised shortly.
I'm ashamed to say I went mad at this, the whole day was completely wasted and had to be completely undone. Mum and dad refuse to believe they won't be moving in on the original date, both of them basically throwing tantrums when presented with the facts. I quickly emailed the insurers who got back to me this morning, they can't get any workmen in to fix the cooker issue for at least a week. I had warned the parents yesterday that it could be a few weeks to rectify it but they were having none of it.
Phoned mum with the details I've got from the insurers earlier and she just said 'Oh well, I'll be moving back and just have to do without a cooker then.' I put the phone down at that point and my sister is now going there to try and talk sense into them.
I know they just want to be back home and that delays are frustrating but they just won't listen to me. Finding it really hard to keep my calm with them, something I need to do as it's possible I may have to move back in with them in the new year if I don't find a job capable of paying the bills by then. All of the stress from this and trying to find work is driving me nuts.
Well, I saw them for the last time for a while today. Went down there to do some of the heavy lifting of furniture and package boxes so that they can start to put the house back to a normal state. They should be able to move back home next week. The problem is I'm in one of the Welsh lockdown areas so won't be able to go see them unless it's classed as an emergency, so basically not until christmas and even that may not be a given!
Really crap timing all things considered.
The problem is I’m in one of the Welsh lockdown areas so won’t be able to go see them unless it’s classed as an emergency
IANOL - However, I think, as a primary carer, you are allowed to see them. IMHO You are a primary carer as they need someone to move furniture and sort stuff out that they are unable to do themselves in order for them to move back home with health conditions.
It mightt be worth you checking on .gov.uk as advise changes frequently and I am not in Wales, but the above is based on BBC news advice that I overheard yesterday while I was wondering if I would be allowed to visit my elderly/vulnerable/end-of-life mum if we go into local lockdown.
Just a quick update on this.
They both moved back home last week. I haven't been able to go to see them so only have information from my sister but they seem to be settling back in slowly. There's still two jobs the insurers need to do to the house but they are happy to do the work when it suits my parents, it's only a minor fix on some tiling and tidying up some wiring behind a cupboard so nothing major.
There is one issue that has reared it's head though. As the temporary accommodation they've been in for the last 7 months was a bungalow my dad has got out of practice going up and down stairs. His bedroom in their house is on the 2nd floor up two flights of stairs, one is normal but the second up to the attic room is steeper than normal and quite narrow. A few days ago he had a small fall going up at the top of the second flight, scraping his arm on the wall and dropping his mug of coffee. It was only when my sister was there today and went up to his room to get something that she spotted the spilt coffee on the wall and asked about it. He reluctantly admitted to falling over. Thankfully he listens to my sister better than me and she has firmly planted the seed of the idea of moving his room down to the first floor into my old room that is currently his study/office. He's going to think about for a few days before making any decisions but my sister is going to keep the pressure on I think. He apparently tried to use the excuse of where would I go if I moved back home in the new year (looking more likely every day) and wasn't happy about being told by my mum that I could use the attic room he's currently in. He's basically looking for excuses to not change things. I'm trying to stay out of it for the time being as I'm 40 miles away and it's hard to get a full understanding of everything without being there, which I still cannot do. That's making me feel very helpless in all honesty, not a feeling I like.
So that's what the state of play is right now. Just when I thought things would start to get better for a while something was guaranteed to put a spanner in the works.
Well done, you can only keep trying.
Thinks don't seem at their worst at the moment, small mercies.
Hope you're ok too.
Just an update on this as a few things have changed over the last month.
Dad had another round of chemo beginning of this week so is currently going through the down he usually gets afterwards, lasts about 5 days normally. While there he had a word with the docs about his balance issues and they found he had a blocked left ear. They got this syringed while he was in there and things seem to have got better so he's still sleeping in the 2nd floor bedroom although my old room on the first floor is ready for him now, we just need to move his reclining bed down when he makes the decision.
One issue that has raised it's head though is that he is now showing signs of early onset dementia. Both me and my sister have noticed this whenever we visit. As usual with this he initially insisted that he was fine but with a few bits of gentle prodding from both of us and my mum (that resulted in a short argument between me and him) he has realised that we are looking out for him and are not trying to control him. He still won't mention it to his doctor but he is now aware that we are actively looking out for it.
Mum is the main worry though. Her auto-immune issues are really getting her down and making her life miserable. Her skin is basically covered head-to-toe with blisters caused by her white blood cells attacking the layer of flesh under the skin constantly, these blisters then fill with pus and burst which then leads to bleeding while they scab over. The scabs then cause the surrounding skin to become tight and start another blister and so on. She has to cover herself every day with plasters and bandages, change her bedsheets every day due to them all weeping while she sleeps and is in a lot of discomfort all of the time. There's nothing much that can be done about it so she's just putting a brave face on it and we're all keeping an eye on her as best we can. As I'm not working I try and visit every few days so that I can spot if anything gets worse and also to do some jobs round the house for them both. I've also got a project on the go that I'm storing there so using that as a reason to visit so often. This has also helped me and dad bond together a bit too so is serving a dual purpose, as something for me personally but also as a distraction from all of the negative things that are surrounding us as a family right now.
So no real big things but it's looking hard for the next few months. We're going to try and have a good a christmas as we can under the circumstances, provided Covid regs allow us to, the main issues being how often we can all see each other (me, mum, dad my sister) while keeping everyone safe. We've all agreed to register me as their main carer for the next few months too, previously dad was registered for mum and vice versa. This is mainly so that I can go and see them if further restrictions happen over the winter, being a carer is one of the few reasons I'd be allowed to go see them if we lock down again and if that does happen then they will both suffer with the isolation in the dark, cold months. I don't get carer's allowance out of it, that is still paid into their joint account, so there's no issue of me doing it to gain financially it's purely a practical step. Me and my sister still have to try and breach the subject of Power Of Attorney with them both again though (tried a while back but it hit a brick wall before we got it all set up) so any pointers and advice about that would be appreciated. Tough times are definitely not far away but as for now it's looking alright. We'll get christmas out of the way then see how things are after that.
Sounds tough. You really really need to keep an eye on yourselves as well and make sure you get an occasional break from it, no matter how short.
My only advice would be absolutely do not leave certain things too late, POA being a prime example.
Very best of luck and keep your chin up.
I'm trying to take care of myself, hard when I live alone during lockdowns though! Working at getting my weight down (Christmas Chub Club was a good nudge for this), have been riding as much as I can and the newly acquired project has really lifted my mood and given me something to focus on. My sister's got her young family to focus on so we've both got distractions to help relieve the pressure thankfully.
POA is the priority though, will see about broaching the subject again this weekend.
Just had a bit of a worrying call from my mum.
Dad went to hospital yesterday for a colonoscopy as he was complaining of grumbly guts a few weeks ago and they hadn't cleared up. They've found something worrying on the right hand side of his intestine, something growing outside it but pushing it in and causing a decent amount of pressure leading to blockages and inflammation of the lining. He's now been booked in for a CT scan in the new year. While they were both there mum saw the dermatologist that is looking after her auto-immune issues and he's worried about her lack of progress (the sores and blisters have been getting steadily worse) so he's prescribed her a new course of more powerful round of steroids and antibiotics, the steroids to slow their growth and the antibiotics to help prevent any of them becoming infected. Add in that my cousin has tested positive for Covid, the Welsh govt has advised that vulnerable people should resume shielding (was a real struggle to get them both to adhere to this last time) and that the nurse we were paying for to visit them 3 days a week has retired as of three weeks ago means that mum and dad are both stressing about it all quite badly. They won't admit to it but it's blatantly obvious that they are worried about what the future holds. As I'm currently not working I've been going to care for them once a week since October, this will have to step up to twice a week from now on as the amount of chores and stuff to do after a week on their own is too much, just simple things like house cleaning, changing the bedsheets etc and other odd jobs they want/need doing but things I need to keep on top of. It takes ages to get these jobs done as I have to work around them, rushing them just leads to resistance and obstruction. Current way of working it is go there early, get some jobs done before they are active, stop and go hide in the garage working on my birthday project for a few hours then finish off the jobs and chores for them and walking the dog in the evening. Dad's happy with that as he feels less 'hopeless' as he put it. Obviously the new lockdown/Tier 4 restrictions are a worry but as I'm caring for them I should be ok to travel to them every few days, I'm drastically limiting my other contact with others on top of normal precautions to reduce any risk as much as I can. Simple things like the two days before I go to them I stay indoors so that any symptoms have a chance to show, I do my own shopping on the way back from the last visit to them, my own exercise is done on Zwift on those days before going down etc. I try and get out on the bike the day after visiting them so I'm not totally stuck indoors, would go nuts otherwise!
I have a nasty feeling the next few weeks and months are going to be a real struggle. Somehow I've got to look for a new job in all of this too. I know some people have it a lot tougher right now but it is hard to keep spirits up with a long, tough road lying ahead. Just getting to Easter and the respite the summer should provide is looking a long way off right now.
Had some good news today. Dad is now booked in for a cataract operation on the 21st Jan which means he has to self-isolate from the 7th onwards, they're going to do his CT scan at the same time too. It does mean he and my mum will be stuck indoors for 2 weeks though, which is going to be a nightmare to get them to stick to, especially dad. Guarantee he'll be going out with the dog most days, thinking he's on his own and won't get close to anyone. I'll leave that battle to my mum though as I came close to falling out with him last visit, he thinks I'm trying to treat him like a child. It's a sign of his frustration and possible early dementia (we're sure of it) so will just have to bite my tongue for a while!
Hopefully a sign that 2021 should start to be better than 2020.
Fingers crossed for the op. My Nan had a cataract op in her early 90s. I was quite surprised they’d operate due to her age. It worked and made a huge difference to her. She was due to have the other eye done when she was 96, but had a chest infection that prevented the op until she was healthy.
I've only ever heard positive things about cataract ops. I suspect doctors faced with elderly people with loads of stuff they can't fix are only too delighted to have *something* that they can do (and obvs it's never a bad thing having the patient at least being able to see where they're going!).
My Auntie was passed from pillar to post until she ended up in the surgery of a Danish consultant who was like, "My god! This woman is sick! We must find out why!" And the first thing he booked her in for was her cataracts - I think he felt she'd been messed about so much that she deserved to be treated for SOMETHING PDQ!
It will be his second so we know the difference it can make! It will be interesting keeping him under control though once he can see better, last time he was planning holidays all over the shop and other madcap ideas. Think he's settled on building the model railway he's been saying he was going to build for the last 20 years so hopefully that will keep him out of mischief.
Best of luck with everything. I’ve been following this for quite a while. Your problems with your Dad reminded me of my Dad who was already showing dementia but when mum died he completely lost the plot.
Having to tell him a dozen times a day the she was dead was the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. Fingers crossed for the operation. As said above it is one of the easiest and most performed operations in the world.
Stubborn old relatives refusing to do PoA really pisses me off. You could try asking them if they really want to be abandoned if they need help and support in the future? Why do so many people refuse to take any responsibility for themselves in this obvious way? It's about as selfish as dying intestate because you didn't like to think about the possibility that you might die at some point.
Amazingly, after failing to make progress a few years ago, we brought up the PoA thing again with my F-i-L and he agreed just recently. So don't give up hope. It's not really that he is any less stubborn but perhaps a bit less able to stand up to the discussion and maybe deep down he also starts to realise that little by little my wife is doing more for him.
Had a message from my mum today, dad's refusing to stay indoors as per the Doctor's isolation instructions. He's insisting on getting the milk every morning and taking the dog out in the evening too despite a neighbour offering to do both.
Mum and I have agreed we've already told him not to before he started his isolation period so we're not going to create arguments with him. We just hope that he doesn't pick up anything and that they don't cancel the operation if they find out he hasn't been isolating correctly.
Really, really frustrating as mum has a few thongs round the house that need doing that neither of them can do. Normally I'd go there and do them but I'm determined to stay away until he has the operation as then he can't blame me for anything.
I know this is a serious topic, but what are you going to do with your mum's thongs then?
That's put a mental image in my head that will haunt me for ever more!!!
Sorry, just couldn't resist
Gave me a much needed laugh!
Although it didn't last long. Mum has just messaged me that their local butcher's and baker's shops have had to close due to a few cases in them. Dad isn't bothered about it.
Guess where he went yesterday?
Both of them. I've given up now, if he wants to go out and risk getting infected with anything and having the operation cancelled that's up to him. As long as he doesn't pass anything on to mum, that's my main worry now as she's trying to be as safe as possible.
Is he wearing a mask when he goes out?
That is probably the only thing you can try and do to help
No, has a visor but he adjusts it so it only comes down as far as his nose.
He went out again this afternoon to get my mum's prescription. Totally ignoring two facts: it gets delivered tomorrow anyway and that mum is perfectly capable of getting it herself if she needs to.
I've left it to my sister to tell him off, she's going to call them tomorrow. She's Daddy's Girl so we're using that slant to see if we can talk sense into him. I'll be channeling my anger into the STW TT tonight instead.
Time to update this a bit as it's been a while.
Dad had his cataract operation successfully, no issues and he tested negative so he got away with all of his risk taking. I've not really spoken to him much fir the 3 weeks afterwards as he was just being childish so every time I've been there to help out with household stuff I've kept to talking to mum instead and it has had an effect. She told me last weekend that he was feeling cut off from me and discussed it with her one evening, she set the record straight a bit (don't know exactly what she said) and it had a pretty profound effect on him from what she told me. I didn't know about any of this until Wednesday evening.
I only really found out as I had gone down to give the whole house a full clean top-to-bottom while mum took dad to the hospital to have his leg looked at, his legions have got much worse the last week or so on his right lower leg and the doctors wanted to take some samples. Mum, as usual, is insistent on taking him to places as it gives her an excuse to get out for a bit, I'm not going to argue as it is good for her mental state I just make sure I'm around just in case she cannot do it for whatever reason. Well this Wednesday she wasn't able to due to tiredness so I took him to the hospital and back. It was on the way there that he opened up and apologised for behaving poorly the last few weeks. He said he's essentially fed up and going stir-crazy not being able to do anything he wants to do, whether that's going to the pub or jobs at home. Basically he has no release right now. He said he was stupid for not telling us about this until now as we have, as a family, been through the mental health rollercoaster enough times to know the warning signs and to flag them up. He couldn't say why he was this way, just that he was unable to explain why he had gone a different route this time. We're not fully patched up yet, plenty to still work on but he's now accepting help and listening to suggestions for ways we can all make each other's lives easier and simpler.
Going there tomorrow as there is a door to be worked on, it's finally dried out from the flooding and the warping means it needs to be shaved a bit to fit the frame properly, plus the house needs a good clean still so will crack on with that. Hopefully the nearness of spring and hopefully a lifting of some restrictions will help things improve over the next few weeks.
That sounds like decent news and positive.
I hope so! Today will be the acid test.
They prescribe psychoactive drugs now ??
I must get to the doctor more
Mum had a mini stroke the other week. Thankfully while talking to my sister on the phone ,who shot down at break neck speed and got things in hand.
Horrible to see mums or dads getting old. In fact i find the prospect quite a frightening one.
Forgotten to keep this updated as I've just been getting on with things.
Dad's been slowly going downhill in the last few weeks. His legions on his right leg are really getting aggressive, to the point he is now finding it really hard to walk any decent distance or stand up for any length of time. The local surgery nurse who comes round 3 times a week to change the bandage has told me that it's getting close to the point that the wounds are starting to eat into the bone below so they are going to have a word with the GP about options. I don't know exactly what those would be but dad has mentioned his fear of amputation so I can only presume that has been mentioned to him at some point (I give them 100% privacy when the nurse is there). He is also sleeping an awful lot more than normal, he's more like 16 hours asleep, 8 awake than the normal other way round. He doesn't sleep it all straight, more 10 hours at night but then loads of naps throughout the day. I watched the Bahrain GP with him on Sunday and I don't think he was actually awake for more than 15 laps of the whole thing, which is a worry as he always makes a point of watching every lap no matter how boring the race is. He's also really struggling with his eyesight, having had new glasses made 3 weeks ago he's constantly complaining about them being wrong. The optician has made another set for him after an second eye test and they're no better. I fear his eyes are just no longer up to what he wants then to do and he's refusing to accept it.
All this means that mum is getting massively stressed out and that is affecting her. I'm actually spending more time looking after her and her mental state than dad which is worrying my sister. Mum is just struggling for energy and drive to do much right now as every time she tries to get on with anything she has to stop to help dad with something or tell him off for doing something he's not capable of!
Now that the weather is improving I'm going to try and finish sorting out the top lawn for them after the flood damage. Right now it's an unusable space and they both enjoy being out there normally so if I can get that available to them again it should help with their states of mind. It may mean re-turfing the lawn though so need to get a move-on with it after the easter weekend.
At least lockdown is easing and the temperatures are going up. This winter has been absolute hell.
I think this must be one of the hardest things people have to deal with, not just enduring the death of their parents but watching them go downhill and suffer, especially if that's prolonged. If we're lucky they just drop dead one day without being in much pain or having suffered much.
My grandmother had dementia and my grandfather kind of gave up living once she died. The events put loads of strain on my Mum back in the 90s when I was too young to really empathise, which I feel quite bad about. It didn't help that she lived 250 miles away and her useless brother...was, well, usless. Often this kind of thing brings out all the dysfunctionality in the family too, which again, is painful.
6 months ago, my in laws were living independently in their family home, despite advanced prostate cancer and early dementia.
Now MiL in a home, FiL was in supported accommodation but a series of issues have put him in hospital and he may not come out. MrsMC was down there last week making funeral plans with her brothers, awful to watch.
My uncle is pretty much useless with all of this too so understand how frustrating it can be. He just has no concept of how to deal with any delicate situation, no awareness whatsoever. I try to have as little to do with him as possible really, he just winds me up whenever he opens his mouth.
My grandmother had dementia and my grandfather kind of gave up living once she died.
That is what will happen to mum or dad when the other leaves, it's each other that's keeping them both going. Heartwarming but also painful to see. Horrible situation to be in.
@MoreCashThanDash - I know oyu will but be as supportive for her as you can right now. I know me and my sister will have to lean on everyone we know to get through that situation when the time comes.
Came to an end for me early last year when my mum died - dad went 20 years ago. Knew it was coming but still one of the saddest, hardest things in my life, especially those last few months.
I don’t think I have much I can offer, other than do not be too hard on yourself - there is no doubt you will do everything you can to make it better for them, and make sure that, just occasionally you get a break.
Thanks reluctantjumper. She's being brave, but needs to let it out out occasionally.
Best wishes to all going through this at the moment.
Dad nearly went yesterday. Twice.
I was there to take mum shopping and he was sat in the lounge watching TV. We were meant to go at 12pm but mum wasn't feeling particularly 'with it' so instead I was outside giving her car a good valet while she had some lunch. Suddenly she yelled for me so I went rushing in to see dad still sat there but on the phone trying to talk to 999 that he had dialled as he was having chest pains (we've persuaded him to keep the phone beside him at all times for this exact reason) but as I was stood there I could see that he was going downhill rapidly. Before I could hear him finish a sentence he could no longer say words, his eyes were rolling back in his head and he was not breathing properly. I had to wrench the phone out of his hand and take over the call, counting his breaths for the operator and trying to keep mum calm at the same time. He completely stopped breathing at this point and we both thought he had gone at that moment. The operator told me to get him on the floor so I had to try and lever him out of the chair, not easy as he's 16 stone and my mum couldn't really help as she has no real strength. As I got him out of the chair his breathing barely restarted and he tried to mutter something but all that came out was a noise that I recognised as what some people call 'The Death Rattle'. As I was lowering him onto the floor one of his pegs refused to play ball so it twisted slightly and gave him a massive shot of pain, somehow this kicked him back into life and he started to breathe again after yelling out in pain. By this time the ambulance was arriving in the street but couldn't get outside out house as my mum's car that I had been cleaning was blocking the street and front door (narrow one way street) so I had to leave mum with him and quickly move it. As I got back in dad had again stopped breathing with mum crouching over him pushing on his chest and essentially saying goodbye. The paramedics took over from this point and somehow them doing their thing kickstarted dad breathing again. The next 10 minutes or so are a bit of a blur as I was more pre-occupied with keeping mum calm and dealing with an over-excited dog! All i know is they had him breathing within a few seconds somehow.
The paramedics managed to get him awake and conscious over the next 10-15 minutes and they could see that his vitals were steadily picking up so the immediate danger was gone. He was then taken to hospital but neither me or mum could accompany him due to Covid rules so I had to watch mum say bye to him in the ambulance and then look after her for the next few hours while we awaited any news. Thankfully he was fine by the time he got to hospital and they were happy to discharge him late last night so I went to pick him up, saying I'd phone him when I got to the main entrance. Except when I arrived he was stood at the roundabout by the main road without a jacket in 5 degrees with a cold wind! He said he didn't want me to drive too far and waste my petrol so had walked down there to save me the bother. Utter moron and I told him that.
So then he was home and carrying on like nothing had happened. Stupid bugger. The only information he'll give us is that they think his medication caused his blood pressure to suddenly drop so he's not to take ibuprofen with it any more. I think he's holding some information back and that he discharged himself instead of staying in overnight for observation. He keeps on saying he doesn't want to create a fuss! As we can't speak to the doctors or paramedics directly we have no choice but to take his word for it.
It was pure luck that it happened while me and mum were home. I shouldn't have been down, I only was there as I had taken the Mini to the garage in the morning to have it's wheel bearing done and if mum had felt fine we would have been out at the shops at that exact time. It was also pure luck the ambulance was so close, the crew were at the old station a mile away just about to start their break. The driver said their response time was 2m13s, amazing in a rural area. Somehow it just wasn't his time to go, although he tried to twice. I'm going back there today to see how things are but it's all a bit of a shock still.
The scary part is that both me and mum couldn't decide what was the worse outcome: him not making it or us knowing that at some point we're going to have to go through all of that again at some point. Doesn't bare thinking about really. She did agree that coming home from shopping to find him gone was the worse scenario. Either way the next few days are going to be hard.
Sounds like a tough day.
Without wanting to sound callous, do you know if your parents want to be resuscitated at times like this? Fortunately for me, my mum had made it very clear to everyone (formally and informally) that she did not want to be resuscitated. Although difficult to discuss and accept at the time, it made life a bit simpler in the end. That said, her prognosis was “short months” and then she contacted COVID so it was a very different scenario to the one you have.
Sorry if that comes across as uncaring
We have had that discussion before and both didn't want a DNR Putin their records officially at that stage. May be time to revisit it over the next week or so, thanks for the reminder.
Tough times, keep sharing on here if it helps you process it.
Both my in laws have requested DNR now. Its one of many conversations I need to have with my parents when we check their arrangements
do you know if your parents want to be resuscitated at times like this?
I was going to ask the same question. My mum has made it quite clear she doesn't.
As timbog said up there
I don’t think I have much I can offer, other than do not be too hard on yourself – there is no doubt you will do everything you can to make it better for them, and make sure that, just occasionally you get a break.
This is really important, there are no right and wrong decisions, you can only do your best and make sure that when you look back you know you tried.
The thing that I was left thinking was how valuable (and too often missing) dignity is in the last stages of life.
Stay strong rj (and everyone else dealing with similar).
Had a bit of a breakthrough with dad this weekend.
After the scare of him nearly going a few weeks ago he's been quietly thinking and contemplating a few things. Unbeknown to any of us he had made an appointment to meet with a representative from Marie Curie at his local pub one evening to talk through things. I don't know what they talked about but he left with a few leaflets and a small book specific to his type of cancer which he read over the course of a few days.
This weekend he called a family meeting and quietly apologised for a few things before talking for a few minutes about how this new information has made him realise that all of his symptoms he's having are normal and not down to medical negligence or errors. He was in a constant cycle of appointment, new medication, operation (two cataracts), blood tests and back to appointments where he always wanted to see improvements but would get all pent up and angry when it didn't happen. It really seems to have taken a massive weight off his mind and allowed him to relax a bit more, to accept what is happening to him and just get on with what he can. He's finally accepted that he won't go back to having 20:20 vision, his knees will never be perfect again, he will always suffer with a lack of energy, he won't be able to drive again and that no matter what he eats he will lose weight due to the cancer raising his metabolism.
It may only be a small thing but it will make things so much easier for us all. Mum should now be able to coax him to be more sensible, he'll be more accepting of help and we should be able to revisit the areas of DNR's, POA's and related stuff easier over the next week or two.
That is great progress rj. Anything that brings dignity to the chaos and confusion of terminal illness is to be welcomed.
Got a bit of an issue about to rear it's head in the next week or two, not with dad but with mum.
She's been bipolar for getting on 25 years now and this has led to her feeling very self-conscious whenever she goes out the house. She also has a history of panic attacks that sneak up incredibly quickly and with no pattern to them. For a long time dad would do the shopping and things like taking the car for a service so she never had to interact with other people in the outside world unless it was on her terms. As dad has been unable to do things like this for the last 2-3 years she did start to go out more often but on the occasional visit it was clear they hadn't been shopping for a while so either me or my sister would get some stuff for them. Usually basics like bread and milk. We never fully understood why they would run out as they live half a mile from the town centre and it has a few different places to get basics, you could even do a full shop if you put your mind to it. I did set them up with home deliveries when the moved back home after the flood damage had been repaired but it fell by the wayside as neither of them would do an online order in time for stuff to be delivered before they needed it (not helped by the severe lack of slots locally) and as I was not working we've sort of fallen into the habit of me taking mum shopping more often than not.
The issue now is that I'm about to go back to working again, agency work rather than a permanent position so I will not be able to plan days off and visits very well for the foreseeable future meaning mum will have to do the shopping more often on her own. She did one on Tuesday but has confided in my sister that she was petrified the whole time she was out. I fear that I just cannot rely on them to get food for themselves regularly enough right now without external help. Dad does go up to town most days but he rarely comes back with anything more than milk, he just doesn't think like that any more even though he thinks he does! In a weird way though they're not in danger of starving, they have far too many tins stashed in drawers for that to happen, but the basics will no longer be there and I really want to avoid them both turning into those people that live off tinned food only.
I really don't know how I'm going to manage the transition of me going back to work, mum will quite easily just stay indoors and dad isn't really up to taking over the shopping again even if he could travel to the supermarkets. I'm going to have to try and get them back into home deliveries somehow, that's going to be a battle.
Sorry to hear that, sounds like you've been doing a great job looking after your parents.
Can you do the online shopping for them? You could phone them to get their shopping list and then enter it yourself.
Alternatively, if they've got space for a chest freezer, stock it up periodically. 4 pints of milk can be defrosted in 24 hours, sliced bread the same or can be toasted from frozen. You could also get a weekly vegetable box delivered.
We also used a ready meal service for my mum before she had to go into a home after a bad fall - weekly delivery of frozen meals. I think we used Wiltshire Farm Foods
Have they a local milk man? Some now deliver extras like bread and eggs etc. Or newsagents? If ask/ maybe pay extra they could do regular drop for them?
They did have the local milkman delivering for a while but they (and the neighbours) were having issues with the milk not lasting more than a day or two so that was dropped. The papers are already delivered but the newsagents don't deliver anything else sadly. The issue with me doing the online order for them is that they decide what they want on the day and that they also use 3 different supermarkets: Aldi for cereals, meats and some basics; Morrisons for treats, other basics and mum's tobacco; Waitrose for a few luxuries and wash gear. Occasionally mum will want to raid Poundland too! It's the routine they fell into a few years ago and they are really reluctant to change it. Even it taking so long that some food defrosts while shopping didn't convince them, the solution to that was a powered coolbox for the car! As dad's a stubborn 82 year old and it's very hard to negotiate mum's mental health issues (she's also stubborn) it makes it a very tough tightrope to walk. Treat mum the wrong way and the Wall of Silence is put up, once that happens then don't think about breaching that subject for a few days at least!
Alternatively, if they’ve got space for a chest freezer, stock it up periodically.
They have two already and both are full, but never of anything they want. It's part of both of their hoarding tendencies, which has filled most of the house. When the flood happened early last year the second freezer was finally opened for the first time in years and lots of stuff had Best Before dates going back 10 years. One of the new freezers is heading for the same fate, being a store for the main one. It's not the most extreme example but during the tidy-up I found a box of unopened Kellogg's Corn Flakes dated 2015 and a 6-pack of crisps dated 2014, they were the youngest things in that cupboard. It's been a near-constant battle for the last decade.
Going there today so will have to see if the subject can be discussed sensibly or not.
Similar to Murray, I set up weekly delivery slots and every day asked what was needed and added it to the list for the next delivery. The most freely available were from Morissons, but that may have been because they had listed my relative as 'vulnerable' With Morrisons, I don't remember not being able to get a delivery. Sometimes I was able to get one in the next 48 hours.
Don't discount the local small shops. My in-laws call their local convenience store one day, and pick up the items they ordered the next, even mid pandemic. For a small fee it can be delivered. Once again, the price can be a bit high, but it is a cost worth paying.
Milk was delivered by a milkman. Can you get a regular delivery setup,? its a bit pricey, but takes constant 'fear' away.They often do other 'fresh stuff as well. I don't know where they are based, but check "Milk and More". I just checked their site to add the link and they do a lot more than milk. There is also a postcode checker at the bottom of the page
The hardest for us was fresh fruit/veg, but one of the neighbours would pick some up midweek when she was doing her weekly shop and I would drop some off whenever I went over. That said, the milk and more link shows a lot more variety than I remember. There is also the option to change the next days delivery (assuming you have one booked)
As things progressed further I added a extra freezer in to the mix. Meals from Cook are nearly all cooked from frozen, and the kids meals offer some 'balanced' meals with potatoes and veg. The Cook delivery system seems to be based on visiting some areas on set days of the week (Tuesdays and Thursday for us). This has the extra advantage of generally being the same driver each time so you can build a rapport, useful when you need heavier items carried to the freezer in the garage on some days. I guess being in her own home with a familiar face visiting may help you mums anxiety?
On a personal note, don't beat yourself up about not being able to plan in advance. My wife and I coined a phrase "no regrets". It was used when we knew we were in a difficult position and we had to go with our gut feel as to what the best option was. Looking back we did get some things wrong, but that was when we repeated the mantra "no regrets" i.e. you do you best at the time
Sorry, crossed post as I was making breakfast while typing so did not see your update. Hope there is still something in my post (maybe just the milk and more link) that helps
@reluctantjumper from this and some of your other posts I pick up familiar local places. Have you tried https://www.breconmilk.co.uk/delivery as he covers a pretty large area these days and will pretty much drop anything off.
Edit: because if they are Crickhowell way, friends in Cwmdu didn't find the local milkman there too good either a few years back.
Can I have a little offload in here?
I was furtunate to work in the same office as my dad for three year (yay nepotism!) until he was made redundant at 64 and 1/2 with a big fat payout etc. Has he been able to enjoy his retirement of marathon running, canoeing, cycling and paddle boarding or doting on my nephews during all of the above?
No, no he has bloody not. Prostate cancer first, had that whipped out under the knife then all of lock down battling lymphoma to be given the all clear, had about a month of lock down unstick before a bit of a heart valve broke free and he had to get it sewed back on after months of tooting a froeing. Since then he's had a rocky recovery with a number of pneumonia problems.
Has he been very chill about it? Yes actually him and my mum have been absolutely unbelievable. I on the other hand have been a anxiety riddled wreck! I can only imagine how hard it would be if they weren't doing what is good for themselves.
Venting on behalf of MrsMC who has just had the call to say her dad is on his last few hours.
Living independently at the start of the pandemic, albeit with heart problems, prostate cancer and caring for her mum who was starting to show dementia. Ended in separate homes, various falls and issues have had him in and out hospital this year, finally a heart attack last Thursday looks like being the end.
MiL was able to visit him yesterday and they had a decent hour in their own little world apparently, but since she left he's gone downhill rapidly.
Luckily all arrangements in place, and all agreed that if her pretty amazing dad was to pass away peacefully now it would be the kindest thing.
@joshvegas - dad did the same. Worked until he was 76 then retired only to get the cancer diagnosis 6 months later. Had been on to him for a while about winding things down but he didn't want to let down his clients.
@timber - Brecon Milk is the one we and neighbours had issues with, in Crickhowell.
Mum was having a bad day yesterday so couldn't really broach the subject, will have to try next visit.
That's unfortunate, friends and neighbours use them for milk, juice and bread.
Could try the shop at Llangynidr, Walnut Tree, think they do delivery. Surprised none of the Crickhowell shops have a town delivery service. Lot of the butcher's are doing delivery.
Crickhowell is only 15 minutes from me, so PM me for my number if you think I could help in a pinch. Best local curry house and Chinese are in Crickhowell anyway.
One in town does do deliveries but the owner is a convicted sex offender (historical inappropriate comments/behaviour put him on the list, nothing dangerous) so mum won't use it.
Thanks for the offer but my sister lives in Brecon so she can run stuff to them in emergencies plus a few family friends that would gladly help out on the odd occasion, it's more about getting them to accept a new shopping routine that makes their lives easier. We'll get there but it may need then to go without once or twice for the idea to sink in and stick.
My old man is approaching 80 and despite being generally very fit has a variety of body parts failing which means he can't do his normal pastime things like fishing, cycling, hillwalking or touring in the campervan (they just sold it with the realisation it isn't feasible any more). With covid lockdowns etc on top this has left him incredibly bored and frustrated and it's the mental struggle of failing body and not being able to do the things that he used to do which is the biggest thing affecting his quality of life, although the physical problems aren't helping either.
I'm trying to think of ways to counteract this frustration and boredom - anyone had similar experience and found a way to help ageing parents with this kind of thing?
Through no fault of your own this topic has made me cry, bringing back memories, sad ones of when my dad battled with terminal cancer. He got given only months to live but he managed a year and a half. I was 23 when he got diagnosed and was 25 when he died next to me in a hospital room full of specialists, he choked to death from blood he was bringing up. One nurse was crying at the sight and another told her 'this isn't a normal death, don't worry'.
I'm still not over it, my whole life changed overnight. With other life issues going wrong all at the same time. All I can say is that being there for them as much as you can is all that you can do. Anything they need you get it, anything they want you do it. My father and I were lucky enough to have a closer bond between each other during his illness, I'm also lucky enough to not regret my handling of the situation, as I thought I looked after him as well as I could. It's awful but you need to be the strong person.
Just picked my old man up from the Western General today.
He went in very ill, expected him to never get out actually, but a bit of care and he's back home.
Palliative care now and hopefully a quiet ending at home. Fingers crossed.
They reckoned 5yrs, he's had 3 1/2 but to be fair his decline was mainly in the last year, drastically in the last few months.
Tough one Brads but you do have a clear path now. Your role is to make that palliative care the best you can,. PM me if yo want to discuss off forum
Best of luck