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I will start with
Are you a piece of rope?
No, I am a frayed knot.
Hmm. better when spoken. Try this
There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
You have until I fall asleep or finish this scotch to keep me amused/alive
Dig out the old GIF thread mate! Kept me in tears of laughter for a few days!😂
Rabbit walks into a bar, orders a pint of bitter and a cheese toastie. Heads off to a booth and drinks the beer, eats the toastie. Wanders back to the bar, orders a beer and a cheese toastie. Back to the booth, eats toastie, drinks beer. Stumbles back to the bar for a beer and a cheese toastie - back to the booth, eats, drinks, returns. Once again, beer and orders a cheese toastie. "we've run out of cheese, it'll have to be the ham" says the bartender. So with a beer and a ham toastie the rabbit heads back to his booth and isn't seen until the end of night.
Tidying up, the bartender finds the rabbit on his uppers, looking pretty ill.
"You were drinking way too much, are you surprised?" he asks.
"It's not the beer, it's mixing my sandwiches" replies the rabbit.
Yeah i know. That's how i told it when i was 12 and had no idea about rabbit diseases.
What's the scotch?
Why did the baker have smelly fingers?
he kneeded a poo.
What's a chemists favourite fairground ride?
The ferrous wheel.
What did two raindrops say to a third?
Two's company three's a cloud.
This post was sponsored by ajokeaday.com paying people paltry cash prizes for crap jokes since whenever.
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they aaaaargh!
How do you make a pirate angry?
Take away his p.
My personal fave...
Why do Norwegian war ships have barcodes on?
...
So they can Scan da navy in
RM.
One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead men got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other
What did Russell Crowe do when the cannibal ate his wife?
Nothing. He was Gladiator.
--
My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them. Personally I think he torques out of his ar*e…
--
Somebody broke into my house last night and stole all of my lamps. I was delighted
--
I've bought a top of the range Rolls Royce but my budget didn't cover a driver.
I've spent all that money and I've got nothing to chauffeur it.
--
A man has been killed after jumping on his nemesis from a ten storey building.
He was pronounced dead on a rival.
--
I just saw a bloke in B & Q shouting abuse in the Adhesives aisle. It must be awful to be glue tin intolerant.
--
2 astronauts were in the space station making their morning coffee on their first day in space.
Astronaut 1: "I can't seem to find any milk up here?"
Astronaut 2: "In space no one can. Here, use cream".
--
My wife's cat died so I bought her an identical one. She was furious! "what am I going to do with two dead cats?" she said
--
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg
There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, those who don't and those who knew the joke was in ternary
.
There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who thought the joke was in ternary and those who knew it was it in quaternary.
.
etc.
..
etc
There are 10 types of people in the world, those who knew the joke was in hexidecimal and those who, oh, F the rest
D'oh
There was an explosion at the cheese factory.
De brie went everywhere.
Two peanuts were walking down the street
One was a salted.
There was a young woman from Bude
Who went for a swim in a lake
A man in a punt, stuck his pole in her ear
& said 'you can't swim in here, It's private so **** off.
“It’s not the beer, it’s mixing my sandwiches” replies the rabbit.
Shouldn't that be mixing me toasties ?
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide....
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was stuck in the chicken
Yes. But as I say, my 12 year old self didn't know about rabbit diseases. My dad thought my punchline was much better.
I was out in the garden the other night I swear I could hear Robin Gibb singin'......
Turns out it was just the chives talkin'......
You hear about the magician walking down the street?
Well, he turned in to a corner...
What can think the unthinkable?
An ithberg.
One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead men got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise and came and killed those two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true you should ask the blind man cos he saw it too.
I went to look at a house with period features the other day.
She hates it when I call her that.
I had a prostate exam the other day, I asked the doctor if it was true the procedure could be sexually arousing. She said "You're not bad looking but I'm a professional
I have a farmer friend. He's outstanding in his field.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? Turned into a field.
What do you call two rows of cabbages? A dual cabbageway.
There’s a window cleaner works round here dressed like an Arab.
Calls himself Sheikh MaShammy.
Astronaut 1: Damn it, I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space no one can. Here, use cream.
But why are you very sad?
Gif as requested...
Period features
😂
But why are you very sad?
Yeah this. Y'alright dude?
My favourite time of day has to be 6.30, hands down.
There are 10 types of people in the world, those who knew the joke was in hexidecimal and those who, oh, F the rest
i like this version
Rabbit walks into a bar, orders a pint of bitter and a cheese toastie. Heads off to a booth and drinks the beer, eats the toastie. Wanders back to the bar, orders a beer and a cheese toastie. Back to the booth, eats toastie, drinks beer. Stumbles back to the bar for a beer and a cheese toastie – back to the booth, eats, drinks, returns. Once again, beer and orders a cheese toastie. “we’ve run out of cheese, it’ll have to be the ham” says the bartender. So with a beer and a ham toastie the rabbit heads back to his booth and isn’t seen until the end of night.
Tidying up, the bartender finds the rabbit on his uppers, looking pretty ill.
“You were drinking way too much, are you surprised?” he asks.
“It’s not the beer, it’s mixing my toasties” replies the rabbit.
Yeah i know. That’s how i told it when i was 12 and had no idea about rabbit diseases.
FTFY
He says in the post you’ve quoted that he knows that’s wrong, and has explained it again since...
Lolz at Dracs dad joke 😂
Whisky was Arbeg, sadness was personal, jokes were appreciated.
I love the STW Chat forum.
Cheers All
Why can't you use 'Beef Stew' as a password?
.
..
...
....
Because its not stroganoff
My dads Irish, from Kerry, right at the back of beyond, left school at 12 and came to England to labour on the building sites. Goes for a job and the ganger man says "to be honest Paddy, you Irish are a bit thick so I'll ask you a question and if you get it right you can have a job." So he asks him "What's the difference between a joist and a girder?"
My dad thought for a minute and said " Sure that's an easy one, Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust"
Uncle Marvo was widely known as a terrific raconteur, after-dinner speaker and possessor of a Swiftian rapier wit.
He was visiting little Johnny, his nephew to take him to the circus, as Grimaldi the clown was performing.
At the show, Grimaldi came on, had a bit of banter and settled on little Johnny;
"Are you the front end of an ass, young sir?"
"No!" Johnny replied.
"Are you the back end of an ass?"
"No!" Johnny protested, getting flushed.
"Why then, you must be NO END of an ass!" the clown announced to howls of laughter from the audience.
Now, Marvo, although being a fan of harlequins and the clowning profession in entirety, couldn't stand to see bullying. So, he stood up and immediately the laughter died down being replaced by whispers of recognition, he bowed and addressed Grimaldi thus;
"Why don't you f#@* off, you red-nosed *%$£"
I couldn't work out why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I lay awake all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
I once knew an insomniac dyslexic atheist. She'd lie awake all night, wondering if there really was a dog