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Hi all,
Before any smart arse comments yes this is a bit "Eastenders", yes this does sound like another "I have a friend who" thread but isn't and yes a public forum is probably not the best way to solve this but we are at a bit of a loss, feeling helpless and need constructive help please....
A close family member has been in a relationship with a partner for a few years who is increasingly controlling to the point of us not being able to have a conversion with them without being cut off, emails being checked, their every whereabouts being checked and we barely get to see them. The family member is in Germany and cut off geographically from the rest of the family and appears to have no independent access to money, transport, etc. Basically, isolated and controlled to an extent we were not aware of until today.
Now we knew the partner was a bit controlling but they seemed genuinely happy and until now we've naively accepted everything as I sure they have too. The sensible thing would clearly be to not have gotten to this end stage but it is easy to say now.
However we have recently had a hurried call to say they are planning to get married tomorrow in secret (hence the urgency of the post) which appeared to be a cry for help or call to delay. With the partner clearly listening in we could not have an open conversation and know very little more.
Things got even more complicated when the family member then phoned parents from a blocked number to say there is a child with another man on the way which one assumes the partner is not yet aware of. Again, this appeared to be a cry for help or intervention in the current relationship that they are not able to go through with themselves for whatever reasons. One assumes if you are isolated in such a way then you must feel like you have little option or choice in anything.
Goodness knows how they managed to "seek comfort elsewhere" in such a relationship but I can imagine that getting married out of the blue and then a bump showing in a few weeks will be disastrous for all involved, especially give the partner's ex-spouse wasn't allowed to leave the house, was prevented from learning German (more isolation) and ultimately had a breakdown followed by a 3 year divorce. Yes the warning signs were very much there but again the full reality of the past is only really starting to come out now.
Basically, what could or should be done?
1) Try to encourage that the the marriage is delayed as we "wish to attend" and reschedule for a few weeks later thereby trying to buy time for a more open conversation?
2) Do nothing, it is none of our business.
3) Do everything to help the seemingly isolated and controlled family member, whatever "everything" is?
No idea
British Forces Germany?
Contact British Embassy or local consulate?
If that person was anything to do with me I would be on the first flight out there to make sure the marriage didn't go ahead & get her out of there asap 🙁 sorry but that is the best I can offer
On what grounds or evidence? Bear in mind this is our interpretation of events and she has seen genuinely happy until now...
I too would be on next flight out, and having conversation with family member.
3.
Oh, and don't listen to the Archers for a while.
If you think it's a cry for help, you help. Whatever it takes, you help. Controlling abuse is a vile, vile thing. Help.
We can't get through and have no idea where they are. Last week they were in Poland with the partners family (who as far as we know are just as unaware). So they could in theory be in either country... Regardless the universal call for action is reassuring. Thank you for the support to do what we felt was right
If this was a family member of mine I'd get in the car right now and drive to Germany. Perhaps take another family member for support. Then turn up unannounced and insist on a private chat with her. Get in the car and go for a drive and private chat and find out what's happening.
I doubt very much that the police/British embassy will move as quickly as you on this.
Even if you turn up post-wedding, you can still help.
Doubt the police or embassy would do much to be honest.
I believe this requires what would be known in the States as [i]"An Intervention"[/i].
Whatever happens, good luck. Have no experience of a similar situation - but it sure sounds properly ****ed up. Hope it goes ok for you guys and her.
You need to get out there and track them down, you need to seek to your relative in private and even then understand she may be too frightened to speak openly. IMO the "authorities" will not be interested as there is not real evidence of abuse as you say yourself. What I can add is that even if they get married this won't change that much, sounds very much like your friend needs to get away from this person. Quickly married, quickly divorced. Most important is to speak to them and to get them out of the situation if that's what they want, if the other person is controlling I imagine they will have taken your friends passport so be prepared for that
Good luck
Chuck the bike in the car and you've got a plausible excuse for stopping in on your way to a biking holiday...?
British Forces Germany?
Not many left.
I know there are very few left but if the partner had been military I'd have made a few suggestions. As it's not the case I'll have to offer sympathy rather than help.
Terrible abusive relationship.
As others have said... Get out there! Turn up, get conversation happening face to face, make it unavoidable.
Sounds very strange. Very controlling partner; yet enough time to get pregnant by somebody else, and sure enough it's their baby too.
Unless it was an immediate family member, one which you could join the dots up better with, I'd not be rushing in too quickly.
If he is so controlling, how did she get pregnant by another man?
I was in an awful relationship. I was uneasy and not particularly happy although things looked ok on the surface. I did nothing until I found out he had hacked my emails. So I asked him to leave.
Told my mum and she drove all the way from Germany to make sure I was ok.
It still makes me well up - I am so grateful.
flight is cheap, go over.
Help and support are in place. I won't post again as it is obviously very complicated and personal. But thank you for the support and advice
I'm glad help is in place . I'n answer to your original query i only can really imagine something like this happening to my niece. If the need arose i would drop everything get there on credit cards and work it out face to face either an emergency evacuation or "surprise i came all this way to share your happy day... "
Why did she (with his agreement, presumably) tell you about a 'secret' wedding happening tomorrow?
TBH I'd try to get over there and see face to face if she is inclined to get the hell out of Dodge. If not, there's not much you can do.
just tuning in and my opinion is go and help her, I disagree on the urgency, marriages can be annulled and irrelevant, the time pressure is more related to making sure she is happy when the child begins to show. Good luck.
Yeah drive down, take another bloke and a female with you (to defuse any tension) with you depending on whether you can and think that you might illicit a violent reaction from the offending partner.
Not sure it's a good idea to go alone, don't want to hear on the BBC about you and a woman in Germany getting stabbed to death.
To understand what you might be dealing with have a read up on co-dependence, Stockholm Syndrome and complex PTSD.
Mrs Spekkie has a sister who was (years ago now) in a similar position. The family tried to help when she asked for it and after much effort on everyone's part, the sister changed her mind and stopped talking to the family who had tried to "get between her and her partner". Next thing they had another child (they had 2 already) and now 8 years later they are still together and apparently fine.
These things can be really complicated. I'd always try to help if asked though. Better to try and help and it's not needed than not try to help and later wish you had.
Friends had a very similar situation.
They drove to Germany and took their daughter back to the UK. Obviously each situation is different but it sounds like it could go southwards rapidly, especially when a child eventually becomes involved.
Whatever the circumstances surrounding this particular situation, a controlling relationship to this degree is not really acceptable is it?
Sounds like you have little to no options though, especially as you don't know where they are.
If he is so controlling, how did she get pregnant by another man?
This! How did some dude sneak his penis in her if she can't even send an email undetected?
Methinks we are only getting a fraction of the story.
I would go there - at the end of the day if he was allowing he to ring to announce the wedding then he can't be surprised when a family member shows up for the occasion. She will be allowed to have a moment with her family before the wedding surely (even if it's just whilst she gets ready!?).
Then if she really does want to bail out of the occasion/relationship/country then she has the opportunity and transport/support to do so