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I'm not sure if the foreign bit is too relevant, but what's the best way to deal with a parent that keeps giving you something you don't want/like? Keep accepting it with a smile, or come out with it and absolutely offend them, knowing fine well they'll take it personally?
My dad is originally Iranian but lives in England, and has done for 50 years. This doesn't make a difference, and everything in his whole world is focussed on his homeland. Every time he visits us, or we visit him, he gives us a jar of horrible green tomato chutney that he makes, and usually some rank pickles too. I've told him before that we don't use them but they still get given, and literally tossed, unopened, in the bin once they're gone. It's a waste. But does the feeling that he's giving his son something useful outweigh the wasted effort and produce? Or should I be more blunt? I know fine well he'll go in a huff about it. He's also too old to change his ways quite frankly.
And on another related topic, why is absolutely EVERYTHING better if it's Iranian? No matter what story you tell him, he's got a better one from Iran. No matter what you're eating, it's better in Iran. And he never says "mmm, that's tasty". 100% NEVER. I find it hard to look up to him to be honest, given how much nonsense he talks!
Do what the ex used to do, look bored and disdainful whenever something she didn't like arrived and bin it shortly after 😉
Families are mental, I've finally realised this now. The idea of a 'normal' family is completely absurd.
Take the presents, throw them if you wish, and continue to listen to his shite. One day he'll not be around...
It makes him happy so why try and upset him....what will that achieve exactly?
You should say thank you, be happy he's made the effort and donate to someone on here with same sort of taste.
p.s, it's not me....
If he was spending his hard earned on tat you didnt want then i'd have a word...
but since its a jar of chutney...I think i'd just let it go...
depends on how you feel about him, but if you don't want to hurt his feelings, keep taking the stuff and feeding the bin.
ask him why, if everything's so much better in Iran, he lives in England.
Point out that the Branston pickle lives in your cupboard, whilst that Iranian sh*t occupies bin space.
My in-laws are fantastic but being born and bred Norfolk, we keep getting duck and pheasant brought to us, they come "just shot", so i have to pluck them and butcher them. Trouble is that whilst i really enjoy both, neither my daughter or wife eat them.
They said that they'd sort the xmas turkey for us, we thought this was generous until my brother in law pointed out it was because my father in laws quarry backs on to a field of them. That came with just a broken neck and we had to buy a second fridge as it was so bloody big.
Better than my mum though, gifts from her seem to be based upon the fact that i am still 10, for my 39th birthday she gave me a battery operated flying pig and xmas last year, i got my third cheese board and cheese knives set from her (two of them are identical)!
OP,
You need to learn the Persian culture properly.
It is considered very rude to reject someone outright in their face.
Try the indirect ways of telling your relatives etc that you want something else but how I don't know what you want or don't want, but you need to be polite in your approach. Not the Brit in your face coz that is Very rude.
Of course everything Persian is much better than your Scottish or English stuff. e.g. Shiraz wine for example, their nice food, their beautiful women ... ahem (as me mates always say) and of course their beard if you are the religious type.
Persian people are very diplomatic if you know the way to talk to them. If you use your direct Western approach then you make them loose face and they will retaliate with extreme force. Trust me they do.
However, they compete in politeness and hospitality so you have to outdo them but that will drag on and on until finally one gives up. You must not make them loose face but pretend they have won so each will part well.
There you go according to me Persian mates.
I'd keep those jars, id cherish them. Your father misses home, misses with his heart. Why not engage with him on the few times that you see him, indulge him. When I'm older I hope my son parks his annoyance and thinks more of his parents feelings and heart.
Swap your chutney for a pile of shit jumpers!
I have Iranian parents-in-law - I feel your pain!
They are an extraordinarily generous people, as far as I can tell. We've had to tell my father in law to stop buying ridiculously expensive Christmas presents for us as he is relatively hard up and we are both doctors (and really don't need any more "stuff"). It's been successful, up to a point - the main thing that stopped it was my husband telling his dad that he was embarrassing me with his generosity as I'm Scottish and wasn't used to that sort of extravagance.
He does bring Iranian foodstuffs with him every time he visits but luckily both my husband and I like most of them (husband eats the weird pickle things!) so that's not so bad.
We've been less successful with my mother-in-law. She keeps bringing ridiculously expensive silk rugs over from Iran and I've run out of rooms to put them in. I feel really awkward accepting them, but I know that she feels worse if she arrives empty handed, so I've learned to try to accept things with good grace if at all possible.
On your second point, it's easier just to agree that things are better in Iran! I've never been, but it sounds like a fascinating country and I'd love to visit if there wasn't a risk of my husband being forced to do military service. I think the generation that came over around the time of the Islamic Revolution find it very difficult to reconcile all the changes that have happened in the country since then, as it seems to have been quite a modern and progressive country prior to this.
PS I agree with chewkw - hospitality for Iranians is everything and they get very offended if they can't maintain face.
Things that are better if the're Irainian.
1) Rugs
2) Saffron
As for the gifts, my parents do the same thing, only they live abroad, they bring me back weird fig things, suspect looking spices and thankfully Irainian Saffron.
I'll see your chutney and raise you a Corby trouser press that i was given - for my 21st birthday.
There are so many nostalgic books about the old Persia - it must have been a fantastic place as long as you were pals with the Shah and his mates. I'd still be fascinated to go there.
When I was a student at Grenoble Uni the only people who spoke to us and offered us hospitality were a bunch of Iranian students who were studying nuclear technology at the invitation of the French government. Lovely people.
Ask him if he is any good at chocolate cakes?
I'm amazed you think of your Dad as foreign!? This is your biological father, not your father-in-law? If so, it really suggests you don't embrace that part of YOUR culture at all. Why not appreciate the benefits of your diversity.
Oh, and doesn't everyone's Dad talk nonsense? It's just a Dad thing isn't it?
of all the world wide people ive met .
iranians are amongst the nicest.
Oh, and doesn't everyone's Dad talk nonsense? It's just a Dad thing isn't it?
It's true, I tell my Kids all manner of weird and wonderful stuff that just seems to pour out my mouth from the dark recesses of my mind - even I stop myself sometimes and think "**** you on about P-Jay yah mad bastard" but the kids listen to me, well about as much as they listen to anything I say, too inexperienced in life to know Dad really needs to thing before talking / get some sleep / sober up etc.
Go to iran with him and find out what all the fuss is about? Connect with your own roots? Seems a good way to get on a closer wave length with him, and you'll no doubt make him happy, he obviously thinks you should get to know the culture.
re the presents, it keeps him happy, doesn't sound like an expensive gift, so i don't really see the point of causing a fuss, accept and smile away.
"If he was spending his hard earned on tat you didnt want then i'd have a word...
but since its a jar of chutney...I think i'd just let it go..."
This.
FFS, my in-laws have given us valuable crap that we hate and takes up space (1m sq picture for instance) So we have to give house room for decades. I really resent it.
Being given consumables you can bin isn't a problem at all.
Was he exiled from Iran?
I seem to recall that happened a lot back in the day, from various middle eastern countries. One day you find yourself at odds with the new boss and you need to leave sharpish, never to return.
Under those circumstances I can imagine a romantic view of the homeland.
@scud, what's wrong with a flying pig?! Hours of entertainment right there 😀
Hmm, unwanted chutney.
You are in a pickle aren't you?
You might prefer a trip to london, you know, Picalilli circus? It's likely to be in a jam though...
Sometimes I relish the thought of getting a nice gift from teh parents...
DrP
fifeandy - Member
@scud, what's wrong with a flying pig?! Hours of entertainment right there
It was fun for 5 minutes, but it makes a bloody annoying sound, every year they ask what i'd like for xmas (via my wife and visa versa, i get text asking what my wife would like) and every year i just say, get me some vouchers from bike shop or a bottle of decent wine, very year i either get another cheese board, no cheese, just the board, or the nearest novelty gift Asda has to offer.
You are missing a trick here. Re-label the jar as Great British Chutney and gift it back to him. Ask him later how it compares, once he tells you it's rubbish compared to the Iranian stuff and not fit for consumption then let him in on it!
And on another related topic, why is absolutely EVERYTHING better if it's Iranian?
Sounds like he misses Iran and sees it as an important part of his identity. Some people express that in a sort of competitive sounding way.
Ferret it away
One day your father will not be around to bring you homemade chutney.
Whilst he is, treasure him and accept it with good grace.
My father in law gave me a Buddha amulet which he told me would protect me from being shot or stabbed. Although if I must wear it having sex, I should put it behind my back so Buddha can't see my wife...she was stood there helping with the translation, as I was out of my depth there.
Needless to say I've not been shot or stabbed yet. Not that I know where it is.
cranberry - MemberOne day your father will not be around to bring you homemade chutney.
Whilst he is, treasure him and accept it with good grace.
^^^ This.
Just take it off if you are having sex ... Or are you expecting someone to stab or to shoot you while having sex? 😆Quirrel - Member
My father in law gave me a Buddha amulet which he told me would protect me from being shot or stabbed. Although if I must wear it having sex, I should put it behind my back so Buddha can't see my wife...
All kinds of hilarity in this thread! OP, my mum lives on Skye so pretty much can't leave the house for four months over Winter, so she makes interesting jam, pickles and chutnies. Just came back from a visit there with another four jars to add to the collection at the back of the cupboard. No hardship to pretend they're relished (ha!).
Just take it off if you are having sex ... Or are you expecting someone to stab or to shoot you while having sex?
We do live near a national park, and I wouldn't want to be mistaken for two elephants doing it and be poached.
FFS, my in-laws have given us valuable crap that we hate and takes up space (1m sq picture for instance) So we have to give house room for decades. I really resent it.
My parents do this from time to time.
fortunantly i inherited the ability to say no from my dad. No one takes offence as we are all family and they frequently do the same to some things we have bought them we dont all share the same tastes.
Its worrying how much like my parents im becoming - and more so how much more of my grandad i see in my dad every time i go back.......
The past is always a better place, the summers hotter, the winters harsher, etc etc. the Human mind is not perfect and only remembers the memorable not the mundane. So yes Iran will be better as that is what is remembered.
It is a discussion you will not win. So best to play along.
Next time could you at least open the jar, put the contents on the compost heap (or even down the toilet), drop the jar in the bottle bank and the metal cap in the recyclables.
I wonder if my son describes me as foreign? I hope not, I've lived here a lot longer than he has.
'Ooh ooh ta dad, I love this it's soooo nicemmmmmmmm.. EVERYBODY STAY AWAY, LEAVE IT ALONE ITS MINE, ALLLLLMIIIINNNEHAHAHAHA!!!'
Say that ^^^ then give/throw it away at the earliest opportunity.. used to work with the MIL's jam a treat! everyone was happy, she was foreign, she's from Stalybridge..
You'll miss him when he's gone..
I'm curious. I'll pay postage for some of this foodstuff. My parents are no longer around, not sure if that's relevant but it won't be judged against any other parental pickling.
Email in profile... 8)
James
From my perspective OP, seeing your dad as 'foreign' sounds really strange. Isn't your dad just your dad...? My father grew up in another culture (Mauritian hindu asian) and in fact had a completely different skin colour to me - but he was just my dad. We had our differences at points obviously, but still even at the worst times - he was always just my dad, not my asian dad or my lapsed hindu dad.
That aside, it sounds simply that he is nostalgic and that isn't unique to the Iranian-born. He is giving you things he values and the best thing to do is accept them with an appreciation of what it means to him. Does the gesture honestly mean nothing to you...? There is no need to hurt his feelings.
Maybe I am seeing this differently as I would give anything to recieve on of those kind of gifts from my dad again. There again, his cooking at it's peak - just heavenly! I can imagine the smell of it now...
I find myself getting wound up by his stubbornness rather than appreciating his presence sadly! I'm a sort of "parents fine at a distance" kind of son. I don't consider Iran to be my roots... I'm British, Iran is my dad's history/culture. Genetics isn't enough reason to feel anything for it.
He kept saying that it's a shame I don't have ooVoo or whatever app it is that he keeps trying to get me to sign up to for face to face chats online. I shudder at the thought of phone calls every second evening!
You sound like strangers.
Sounds like he's reaching out.
Just be sure you won't regret shunning him once he is gone
Ferret it away
Hahahaahaha -not heard that for years... are you from Essex?
Grew up without him around from age 5, then occasional visits from age 10 or so, maybe that's part of it.
Last time I went to see my Dad he gave me a 15 year old Golf TDi and a chainsaw!
I like his stories about the old days but have to admit I've heard some of them a few times...
My dads latest gift is offering to take my car to the MOT and fix any issues, while he was round picking it up he offered yo come round and help plaster the bedroom.
The car passed amazingly so i might suggest he gives it a hoover...
I think saying everything's better in your homeland is just what Dad's do. My son is three and my daughter isn't even one yet and I still like to explain to them how Scots invented the modern world every chance I get.
I can't wait until they get older and they start bringing their friends round so I educate them as well 😈
If he's making his own chutney he's probably got jars upon jars of the stuff that he doesn't know what to do with. Everyone he knows probably has a binful.
Nod and smile, say thank you, and keep buggering on.
He's your dad and he loves you.
With chutney.