[Closed] Untrue things you have told your kids

The PIR sensors in every room for the alarm system are CCTV cameras for Santa.

Everytime the red light comes on, an elf is watching

Everytimne the red light comes on an elf is watching

Soft play centres are only open when it's raining.

"Because you drank all of the milk in them"

When asked why mummy's boobs aren't as big as other women's boobs..

Garlic is a place, it's where Garlic bread comes from.
Brocolli is very tasty, you'll love it.

Skateboarding is safe as I shall now demonstrate on next door neighbour's kids skateboard ramp. That was followed by the more factually accurate "I think I need an ambulance"

I was a founding member of Boyzone. (She believed it for a short while as well.)

Luke, I'm your father. 😯

The wife is indoctrinating them into Christianity. Have to smile though as my youngest, who takes after me with her more cynical and curious mind, is already questioning it all, she's not quite believing it and finding it all a bit far fetched. It's quite funny listening to the religious babble the wife trots out trying to justify the untruths in the bible. I'm just keeping my mouth shut for now to keep the peace. I'll address it all when they're older.

Having said that she still believes in Santa, but Santa brings her gifts every year. It's easy to bribe children if you want to.

Not sure I should share this on a public forum...

One summers night Mrs TW and myself put the kids to bed and sat in the garden for a drink. Long story short we ended up having a "quickie" in the garden. When we were interrupted by our 6 yr old daughter who asked "Mum, what are you doing?" We told her we were "sunbathing" (we were under pressure and it was the first thing that popped into my head, ok) she seemed to believe us even though it was past 9pm.

Ice Cream vans play the tune when they've sold out.

Everytimne the red light comes on an elf is watching
If only somebody had told Damian "turbo-knuckles" Green this.

We didn't tell them what ice cream vans were for many years. Then they asked 'what's that sound I can hear?'

Not my kids but my two nieces... their aunty (my wife) has wings coz she’s an angel and can fly. Cue an hour of frantic arm flapping from 6 year old twin girls around the park.

To the same twins... that lump on the back of my head is an extension I had to have built when I went to uni and got cleverer.

The wife is indoctrinating them into Christianity. Have to smile though as my youngest, who takes after me with her more cynical and curious mind, is already questioning it all, she's not quite believing it and finding it all a bit far fetched. It's quite funny listening to the religious babble the wife trots out trying to justify the untruths in the bible. I'm just keeping my mouth shut for now to keep the peace. I'll address it all when they're older.

She's not been back to church since.

My wife tells the kids that a red flashing light on those little rides you see outside supermarkets means they are broken.

I've also told them that every time you mention Christmas before Halloween a witch drowns a baby reindeer.

Same situation here. last year our youngest (who was 6 at the time) cornered the vicar and asked him if he'd ever actually seen God or Jesus.
When he said no, Charlotte replied - 'we'll I've been coming here for ages, and I've not seen them either, I'm beginning to think they don't exist'

She's not been back to church since

That will have really shown the silly vicar, who probably had no answer at all!

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It’s a bit of a family tradition in my Wife’s Family to warn naughty children that’ll they’ll have to go to visit ‘Mrs Price’ who runs Cardiff Prison for naughty children.

I bought into it a little too much and told the eldest I’d been sent there and offered up a couple of my scars as proof. Not long after some of the other parents in the school yard are gossiping about one of the Dad’s ‘doing a bit of bird’. The fact that I didn’t show up until he was 5 only added to it.

Worth it though, once when he’d been unbearable for weeks on end he got a letter in the post, very offical looking telling him to report to prison, he pleaded for another chance which he got, but it soon slipped. A few weeks later we packed him a bag and drove him to the gates, it fixed his attitude for over a year, I’m sure there was some mental scars left, but it was worth it 😉

A lad I know told his son that the TV transmitter at Rivington was actually the North Pole sticking out the ground and that Santa could see everything you was doing from the top of it 😆

A lad I know told his son that the TV transmitter at Rivington was actually the North Pole sticking out the ground and that Santa could see everything you was doing from the top of it

I often have a wee at the end of the flagstones up there. I'll face the other way in future.

I often have a wee at the end of the flagstones up there. I'll face the other way in future.

I wouldn't worry too much. having a wee is quiet discreet compared to other activities I've seen being performed up there 😯 😀

I often have a wee at the end of the flagstones up there. I'll face the other way in future.

Santa still knows.

Another was that the Perth recycling centre, visible as you cross the Friarton Bridge was a baby scrapyard and was where all the naughty kids ended up.

You're only allowed blue xmas lights on your house or tree if you're in the police (I think he's cottoned to that one now though).

A few weeks later we packed him a bag and drove him to the gates, it fixed his attitude for over a year, I’m sure there was some mental scars left, but it was worth it

Now THAT'S my kind of parenting. I salute you PJ!

(given my user name) my daughter's nickname is "monkey". When she had her injections as a nipper we told her it was for "monkeyfever"
For years she told her friends she was immune from monkeyfever.
I am a bad parent.... 😆

That I'm Batman

Oh and that the PIR detector is Santa's camera

Pubs contain powerful electro-magnets which draw daddy's towards them by their fillings

The list is too long..

A few years ago I was at a party where my mate Dave* got the child of one of the other guests to go round handing out Pringles, told him what to say to be polite and everything.

So this lad went round everyone with a plate of Pringles, "excuse me, would you like a Pringle?" Then waited until the guest had a mouthful of crisp before sagely adding, "They've got jizz on them."

Dave's defence later was that he told him to say "cheese." I do not for a moment believe this to be true. (-:

(* - does everyone have a "my mate Dave" incidentally? It seems awfully common)

The robins in the garden are monitoring and reporting good and bad behaviour back to Santa.

(* - does everyone have a "my mate Dave" incidentally? It seems awfully common)

[url= http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/does-everyone-have-a-mate-called-dave ]They do indeed Cougar[/url]

I don't have kids but i did once convince a girlfriend that the security tabs on supermarket alcohol bottles would explode if you took them out of the shop 😀

geoffj - Member
Ice Cream vans play the tune when they've sold out.

😆
Awesome.

I once told a 12 year old nephew that Richard Branson went up in a hot air balloon, with a mate of his, and he went so high that he started to go into Earths Orbit and they needed the Shuttle to go collect them..
The story lasted about 3 years when one day he called me up on it, in the garden full of family... and we all burst out laughing..
I’m not too sure he’s rightly forgiven me for it yet..

They do indeed Cougar

Damn it, I have a crap memory. I even replied on that thread!

I don't lie to them

No, mummy and daddy definitely do NOT eat loads of treats and chocolates after you've gone to bed! How dare you?!

If my kids don't work hard at school then the only job they will get will be pedalling inside the wind turbines for 12hrs a day.

Not my kids, but my older brother convinced me (when I was about six) that spare ribs were actually from Chinese people that had, you know, more ribs than needed. I believed it for a few years 😳

I haven't got any kids 😯

No honestly.

My mrs used to tell her kids that power station cooling towers were cloud factories & that the trees moving around caused it to be windy, the more they moved the stronger the wind.

Free wood burns hotter

It's not funny to sing Itsy Bitsy Spider and replace the last word of each line with 'poo'.

Oh another one I forgot about, the eldest had a big of a bug once and was a bit feverish. He’d be okay during the day because he was dosed up with paracetamol, but if he woke in the night he’s be in a bit of a state with fever.

These become known to him a ‘night fevers’.

He wanted to know what was wrong with him, his only mistake asking me - his Mum, being a fancy type of nurse with her nose usually in a book would have told him whatever it was, usually with the full Latin name.

He went to school a few days later and told his teacher he was off with Bee-gees.

I told my niece's that ghandi invented flip flops, but that they didn't take off at the time because he called them flip flips.
Years later an Australian renamed them flip flops, and the rest is history.

No kids, but once told an entire year 7 class that bees make honey and wasps make marmite. They believed me, had one of the parents even tell me at parents evening that they even went along with it when their little one came home and told them!

That I'm fun.

The scar on my belly from an operation I had as a kid and the BCG scar on my arm are war wounds from a battle I had with a dragon. My youngest still believes it and bigs me up to her friends.

cow eggs.the big black plastic covered hay rolls they are cows eggs.

Not mine, but my sisters kids ( them off of the powerkites debacle ) got told,by me , that dinosaurs still lived in Iceland
They went on and on to my sister about going to Iceland to see the dinosaurs . I dont think they knew who to believe in the end .

What are you getting the ungrateful little sods this year?

And if any kites are going spare.........
🙂

I used to pull a few hairs out of my chest and then pretend that i'd got them from my daughters back, she believed for years she had a hairy back.

Character building stuff.

My Dad had me convinced when I was a nipper that petrol pumps (from 30 yrs ago) were really aliens with fingers in their ears.

And I somehow convinced myself that German soldiers in WW movies who got shot were real soldiers that we had been keeping over from the war to use in films 🙁

I told my niece's that ghandi invented flip flops

Nah, it was a French bloke. Phillipe Phillope.

When I were a lad of nine or ten my Dad convinced me there was a "Parkin family secret" passed down the male line when you came of age on your sixteenth birthday.

This became an article of faith to me, and I was massively disappointed on my sixteenth birthday when he'd totally forgotten all about it.

Told my son I fought in WW2, maths wasn't his strong point at 4. 😆

When he was a toddler we told l'il J that all the sweets in shops were dog snacks.
I am also a Jedi knight.

Told my son I fought in WW2, maths wasn't his strong point at 4

LOL 😆

So this lad went round everyone with a plate of Pringles, "excuse me, would you like a Pringle?" Then waited until the guest had a mouthful of crisp before sagely adding, "They've got jizz on them."

Dave's defence later was that he told him to say "cheese."

I absolutely LOVE this. I guess there is probably an age range where the excuse is blaggable, pronunciation-wise. Might try with my 4 year old, but don't really care if i get busted!

His excuse was less plausible by dint of the pair of us sat on the floor in fits of giggles watching it unfold, to be fair. If you're going to employ this gambit, either you can't reap the rewards or you need a poker face.

When the shoplifting alarm sounds in a shop (normally by accident because an item hasn't been scanned properly) its actually the naughty child alarm and the manager is on his way to tell off a naughty child.

Oh, and the one about the PIR sensors and Santa.

At least one school I teach at has uses the alarm PIR's as methods to get confessions out of kids. "we have seen it on the CCTV you know but want you to own up". Most are too damn well cynical for under 11's to fall for it but one or two do.

No kids but convinced a "less high flying" class the colour was invented in the late 50s that's why old films and photos are black and white. The psychedelic 60s were when the were trying to get the colours right beforehand we.t back and coloured in the good old paintings. One parent was not impressed by what their 14yo was telling them.

I convinced my son I could speak Vietnamese, with a very bad stereotypical mildly racist impression. I was found out a week later when he casually asked my wife , who was with a group of her friends, why she doesn’t speak Vietnamese like Daddy. She said I didn't but he said I do, he has heard me.

My 8 yr old daughter believes I'm 'Pasta Man'- a super hero that flies across the world at night to feed those in need of a delicious carbo-load plateful of goodness. 8)

Oh, and the one about the PIR sensors and Santa.

No idea who told her this, presumably its entered playground mythology - but I've noticed that my niece quickly checks the corners of the room before deciding whether or not to hit her brother 🙂

Not kids but I convinced a former colleague that they mine cheddar cheese on the Mendips.

Also no kids, but working at an outdoor pursuits centre with some kids in care, we told them that the river we were paddling rafts down was circular (drop off and pick up points were very similar car parks in forests, and the minibus parked in the same place in both).

I don't think the kids fell for it but one of the carers thought that was "very convenient" and fell for it hook line and sinker. I told him it was easy to spot if he checked a map later.

Wonder if he did 🙂

One of the other guys who worked with us told some older kids that if they fell in they had to watch out for the bearded clams that lived on the bottom of the river in case they grabbed them... Occasionally when we threw one of the kids in they would shout "I felt them! They nearly got me!"

Not quite on topic but I impose a 10% tax on all sweets my 3yr old great nephew eats in my presents when he’s there when I visit my sister. And being a good kid he is happy to share.

I am just preparing him for adult life I tell myself why chomping on his smarties.

No kids.

Told my cousins when they were younger that if you put a wafer thin slice of ham in the dvd player it would show a short movie about pigs. Wasn’t too popular with my uncle after.

chip - Member
Not quite on topic but I impose a 10% tax on all sweets my 3yr old great nephew eats

Somewhat appropriately, that's known as the "chip tax" here.