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Random things that come to mind whilst walking the dog:
1) Place any girl between the ages of 7 and 11 on a piece of grass measuring 6' x 3' or greater, and they will perform a cartwheel.
2) The eventual pain-in-the-arsedness of any DIY job is directly proportional to the initial estimate of ease of said job.
Any others?
"wet paint" signs must be independently verified by anybody passing by, unless they can observe somebody actively painting at that moment in time.
When you are past 50, every time you look into a mirror you see someone who looks much older than you expect.
We don’t have many mirrors in our house
.
To be fair put me on a piece of grass and I will probably do a cartwheel.
Picking of the nose always activates an imaginary cloaking device. The deeper the picker excavates, the more assuredly they become convinced of their ‘invisibility’. By the time they are sneakily eating the prize they become entirely convinced that they exist to others only as a pair of furtive, disembodied eyeballs.
Every time I post anything approaching the truth on a thread about geopolitics, the arms trade, natural resources and climate change I will be banned from further posting in that thread in short order...
Whatsmore, cheese is often quite pleasant
Any bike maintenance task which doesn't the use of a deep fat fryer isn't worth doing, apparently.
People who talk the most generally have the least to say.
Tell someone its hot and they will touch it
When the waiter presents you with a plate and tells you it’s hot, laws states you have to touch it.
Any bike maintenance task which doesn’t the use of a deep fat fryer isn’t worth doing, apparently.
See, now, this absolutely obeys my rule 2. You think it's going to be a massive PITA, but it's a complete POP.
As I reminded myself yesterday,
When removing a bunch of screws, the last one will always be an utter sod.
Susan Tully at 57 WILL break your heart
If someone pulls out on you from a side road making you have to brake, they will then proceed to drive at least 10mph under the speed limit, more likely 20mph under.
As soon as I take a spoonful of my soup this teams meeting is going to start
When removing a bunch of screws, the last one will always be an utter sod.
See Rule 2.
Talking about DIY, it doesn't mater if it's on my house, bike or car, the faster I go, the longer it will take (and massively increase the chances I'll break something).
When it comes to driving, there are really only two types of driver, "the lights may change, I'd better speed up" and "The lights may change, I'd better slow down".
No one will ever really appreciate anything you do, until you stop.
We will never fix the UKs obesity problem until we can accept it's a mental health issue, not ignorance that eating too much makes you fat.
We will never fix the UKs drug problems until we can accept it's a meatal and physical health issue, not a war to be won.
The only source of absolute truth in the world is a first time mom
People who talk the most generally have the least to say.
Aaaaaaaaamen!
Any job that will take just 5 minutes . will always lean towards 2 hours with some form of blood loss and tools that placed in plain eye-site will always get teleported to another dimension only to return to the original resting place once said job has been completed.
leffeboy
Full MemberThe only source of absolute truth in the world is a first time mom
Oh thats an interesting one - my own experience says you either get the absolute harsh truth, or an absolute load of bollocks about how good everything in the world is. There is no in between.
Back on track.....
When I put on bib shorts, I will immediately need to poo.
Any job that will take just 5 minutes . will always lean towards 2 hours with some form of blood loss and tools that placed in plain eye-site will always get teleported to another dimension only to return to the original resting place once said job has been completed.
Again, see Rule 2.
When removing a bunch of screws, the last one will always be an utter sod.
When replacing them there will be one spare or one too few.
You will not have the requisite spare screw in the man-cave if it's one too few.
Add 1/2- 1 hour to any task where any part of the instructions starts with the phrase "simply"
ie, "Simply remove cap", or "simply un-do bolt fastening..."
Any job that will take just 5 minutes . will always lean towards 2 hours with some form of blood loss
As far back as the early 90s my team at the time realised that it was was impossible to fix any PC hardware fault until you'd made a blood sacrifice. Fortunately we made them out of razor blades so...
The last 10% of a bottle of washing up liquid lasts just as long as the preceding 90%.
Add 1/2- 1 hour to any task where any part of the instructions starts with the phrase “simply”
ie, “Simply remove cap”, or “simply un-do bolt fastening…”
Do you write Haynes manuals?
It's impossible to tighten down roof rack straps on an object without giving them a feeble slap and saying "that's not going anywhere"
😀 Also it is impossible to pick up some BBQ tongs without clacking them a few times to 'make sure they work'.
See also, picking up a drill.
As soon as you've replaced a lost item, it will reveal itself. The more the new item cost, the sooner the lost item will be found.
Also it is impossible to pick up some BBQ tongs without clacking them a few times to ‘make sure they work’.
See also, picking up a drill.
Thank god, I thought it was just me
Louise will screw you up.
As soon as you’ve replaced a lost item, it will reveal itself. The more the new item cost, the sooner the lost item will be found.
yes. I own 3 identical (apart from colour) swiss army knives, for just this reason.
You can travel the world sampling all the wondrous cuisines it has to offer, but ultimately you have to reconcile yourself to the fact that there is nothing better than cheese on toast
As soon as you’ve replaced a lost item, it will reveal itself. The more the new item cost, the sooner the lost item will be found.
yes. I own 3 identical (apart from colour) swiss army knives, for just this reason.
Indeed. I now have 3 identical rear thru axles for one of my bikes
The size of allen key/torque wrench head/socket/spanner you want is always the one you've put somewhere stupid last time you used it.
Looking for the one you've lost is a waste of time, although it means you almost immediately find the one you lost the previous week (I see this has been done.)
Any dropped small item in a workshop will immediately bounce into the least visible/accessible place. Even if you can see it, getting it will involve moving shelves and putting your back out.
It’s impossible to tighten down roof rack straps on an object without giving them a feeble slap and saying “that’s not going anywhere”
Although, if you've put it on the roof of a car one would hope that it IS going somewhere. The only conceivable scenario in which it could in fact not go anywhere is if it's so poorly secured it falls off immediately in your drive and you don't notice, thus it would remain at home.
People know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
As soon as you’ve replaced a lost item, it will reveal itself. The more the new item cost, the sooner the lost item will be found.
Similarly. Any piece of kit lost will be the newest, most expensive, most procrastinated over piece of kit owned.
The amount of time spent faffing on a ride rises by the square of the number of people attending said ride.
Tell someone its hot and they will touch it
The mac was on but had a feeling there was something I was missing sigh.
As soon as i start to brush my teeth my wife will ask me a million questions.
Management in action always means management inaction.
ie, “Simply remove cap”, or “simply un-do bolt fastening…”
This extends to "refitting is the reverse of removal" - trying to reverse gravity so the the bolt you can reach with a spanner but not your fingers can be realigned to the thread you unscrewed it from.
The amount of time spent faffing on a ride rises by the square of the number of people attending said ride.
Having done my first club ride in two years at the weekend, I almost wished to be injured or locked down again.
‘Navigators’ who use the terms “It looks like that way” or “I’m sure it’s this way” must be unconditionally ignored.
Never ever do ‘just one more run/lap/route’. Do ‘another’ with conviction but label it as such…
The last 10% of a bottle of washing up liquid lasts just as long as the preceding 90%.
This is why I transfer a small amount from a large bottle to a smaller bottle. I'm not sure why anymore because no one else lives here.
There's always one complete arsehole in any given group of long term friends.
If you can’t immediately identify that person, it's you.
As soon as you’ve replaced a lost item, it will reveal itself.
Or your partner will find it in the place you first looked.
If you want a bus to arrive, light a cigarette.
I haven't done either for many years but it is a universal truth. Also, a door or lock that is usually able to be opened with one hand, the hand holding the key, will only operate thus if both hands are available. Carrying a huge bag of shopping? Fuhgeddaboudit.
Money is the root of all evil.
But also;
When conducting silver service as a waiter (or some other precarious customer-interaction task), the patron in question will find it the most appropriate time to suddenly move/gesticulate/start a convo etc so you spill gravy on their new clothes.
It is impossible to dislike jet washing.
Although, if you’ve put it on the roof of a car one would hope that it IS going somewhere. The only conceivable scenario in which it could in fact not go anywhere is if it’s so poorly secured it falls off immediately in your drive and you don’t notice, thus it would remain at home.
But it has gone somewhere, it's gone from the roof to the floor.
The "only conceivable scenario in which it could in fact not go anywhere" is if you then went back in the house.
There’s always one complete arsehole in any given group of long term friends.
If you can’t immediately identify that person, it’s you.
Isn't that Peter Kay's "Uncle ****" sketch?
But it has gone somewhere, it’s gone from the roof to the floor.
The “only conceivable scenario in which it could in fact not go anywhere” is if you then went back in the house.
I think you might be overthinking this, guys
If you’re on a ride and someone asks “When did you last have a puncture?” you should not answer unless you’ve just fixed one. Otherwise, there will shortly be a hissing sound, followed by swearing.
(See also answering “No” to “Are you carrying any first aid kit?”)
While out with dogs or on a ride, and especially on a day where rain is forecast, Mrs 100th will, at the furthest point from home/shelter announce, "well the rain hasn't come as forecast". This is shortly followed by the ominous sound of rolling thunder.
If you want a bus to arrive, light a cigarette.
I used to (when I smoked) refer to this as my voodoo bus-summoning technique
Also: if you want your team to score then go to the toilet during the match, then simply await the loud cheers for the goal you just missed (which will inevitably be an instant contender for goal of the season)
When overtaking a lorry on an empty motorway, a BMW, Audi, or Range Rover will appear out of nowhere to see how close they can get to your rear bumper.
A temporary road side fix will last longer than a full workshop rebuild but will also fail more spectacularly with more inconvenience directly proportionate to the time it lasted.
Evidence : This zip tie 'fixed' my car for 7 years by holding an inlet pipe away from the throttle cable and thus preventing the throttle sticking open.
It snapped as I was queueing to load the car onto the channel tunnel train leaving the throttle stuck half open in an automatic car so I could only control the speed by turning the ignition on and off meaning I left the queue in the background at about 30mph and shot across the rest of the loading area quite dramatically. When I stopped there were some interested security gaurds wondering what I was trying to attack. Thankfully back on 2016 so slightly less trigger happy than they might be now.
9V battery terminals must be licked
The Gary Ewing Infinite Mechanicals Scenario states that as the number of regular riders in a group increases, the likelihood of a ride ending / bike breaking incident increases exponentially.
riding alone or in a pair will be fine
a group of up to half dozen will have puncture every few riudes
Go out in a group of 25 and someon will end up pushing a bike home due to a broken seatpost / exploded rim etc...
The last 10% of a bottle of washing up liquid lasts just as long as the preceding 90%.
This is why I transfer a small amount from a large bottle to a smaller bottle. I’m not sure why anymore because no one else lives here.
There's a novel's worth of story hidden in those two short sentences.
If you’re on a ride and someone asks “When did you last have a puncture?” you should not answer unless you’ve just fixed one. Otherwise, there will shortly be a hissing sound, followed by swearing.
Actors never say "good luck", cyclists should never say the 'P' word on a ride, in the same way Nurses NEVER say "quiet" on a shift, ever and it will usually result in the screaming of an alarm from a bed somewhere, usually down the other end of the ward.
On a ride, at any intersection of paths where there is a choice of direction, the direction to be taken will be the one that goes up.
Mtb: it's always uphill into the wind, plus the occasional very steep downhill with the wind behind you.
Roadbike: the headwind on the way out will always tend to swing 180 for the ride home.
Corollary: when on a ride you start to feel you are actually gaining fitness and feeling good, the road will eventually turn and the tail wind become a blasting side wind.
If told that brake rotors get hot in use...
...see wet paint, but I've now got blisters on 2 fingers
On a ride, at any intersection of paths where there is a choice of direction, the direction to be taken will be the one that goes up.
Unless there's an element of doubt, in which case you will take the downhill path and discover your mistake 100m further on.
People who talk the most generally have the least to say.
Yep, there was one on here like that, met him on a ride that Ton organised. An angry vegan you could hear before he walked in the room.
Also. If an engineer/mechanic picks up a hammer, he has to spin it round in the hand he's holding it with.
An engineer will point out that anyone holding a hammer is probably a technician and not an engineer.
It's never your successful friends who post "motivational" memes on social media...
Also: if you want your team to score then go to the toilet during the match, then simply await the loud cheers for the goal you just missed (which will inevitably be an instant contender for goal of the season)
Corollary: If you want your favourite song played at a gig.
If an engineer/mechanic picks up a hammer, he has to spin it round in the hand he’s holding it with.
Testing it for weight and balance. Obviously. (-:
If someone suddenly pulls out in front of you in the car, they will immediately take the first turning.
My dad pointed this out to me many moons ago, and every time it happens i take note that the indicator comes on.
Tuckers law (edited for those with delicate sensibilities/the swear filter):
If some idiot can mess something up, that idiot will pick the worst possible time to flippin mess it up because that idiot's an idiot.
Two lines of text perfectly describes my current project team.
You ain’t seen nothin ‘till you’re down on the muffin.
It takes two to tango.
Triumph has the bra for the way you are.
You can with a Nissan.
The crappier the tradesman, the quicker they arrive.
Just when you’re trying to quit smoking, that’s when everyone else decides to take it up.
Money is the root of all evil.
The love of money is the root of many evils, is the correct phrase.
If you wish to burn something in a meaningful way you must always use a zippo lighter and said lighter must always be thrown in towards the area to be burned.
The night of a full moon will double the number of calls to the emergency services.
Corollary: If you want your favourite song played at a gig.
Corollary corollary: if you want your food to turn up at a restaurant.
"It could be worse"... I'm 59 now and can vouch for that one
If you want your parcel to turn up, go for a shit.