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I met 2 girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents...
I said. "I know that accent, you two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you (insert sweary word) idiot!" one of them replied..
"Sorry" I said "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"
What's E.T short for?
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It's because he has little legs.
I passed a guy in a tractor the other day shouting "The end of the world is nigh"
It was Farmer Geddon*
*Thanks spey stovt
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it 😀
Shall I tell you the one about the cannibal lion?
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He swallowed his pride.
A man goes into a pharmacy and asks "where can I find tampax"
"Third aisle on the left" came the reply from the shop assistant
After a few minutes the man returns with cotton wool and toilet roll.
"I thought you wanted tampax??" asked the assistant
"Yeah well last week I asked her to pick me up a 20 pack of fags and she came back with a pouch of tobaco - so we'll she how she like's rolling her own!!"
Sky Sports will be showing the World Origami Championships on paper view....
A man goes to his doctor and says "You've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter."
The doctor says "I'm sorry, I don't follow you."
I was on eBay earlier.
Someone was offering a 42" HD television for twenty quid, just because the volume was permanently stuck on maximum.
Well, I couldn't turn that down.
My new year's resolution is to stop leaving things so late.