[Closed] Trust?

Yes.

Probably yes – I'd just be telling my wife that I had got cross with the child because he wasn't doing as he was asked to do and they got upset. No big deal and I wouldn't expect my wife to make it into a big deal. And I wouldn't give a stuff about what someone else thought.

Yes.

Wtf? Mums spygate?? Kids get told off, kids cry. No news there.
Yes, get to the bottom this, find out who the snitch is and have words.

And I wouldn't give a stuff about what someone else thought.

I don't care what they think. My concern is the advocated reporting of it behind my back.

Kryton57 - Member
..have I overreacted?

Seems likely.

Hang on and I'll read the rest of the post... 😉

My concern is the advocated reporting of it behind my back.

maybe its your wife you shouldn't be trusting 😉

The question for me would be "how will my reaction affect my child"? If your choice not to engage with these other parents means your child loses out then that seems like a bad idea.

Having said that, I'd expect your wife to be more open with you about who it was so that you could discuss it directly with them.

Be happy with it. People are looking out for your kids. That's good.

Would you rather live somewhere that people [i]didn't[/i] care about your kids and [i]didn't[/i] do anything when they had concerns about their welfare?

yes to the reaction of the other parents if they thought that they could not tell you just because you are a man. No to the reaction of Mrs K unless she knows you would go and hoof someone if you found out.

I dont think stopping Jnr from going on play dates is necessary the answer. That said I always thought playdates was just a reason to off load your child care responsibilities to someone elses child.

Oh yes, don't limit your child's play opportunities, but do find out and make it clear that they can talk to you.

I'd expect your wife to be more open with you about who it was so that you could discuss it directly with them.

I expect she's afraid of his temper.

Drama! Why do people like to get involved in [i]drama[/i]? I blame bloody soap operas.
Just tell your wife you'd punched him in the face and you'll do it to her if she doesn't tell you who jobbed you in. It's the only fing these bastards understand.

You don't need your wife to grass up who her informant is - just wait to see who won't let their kid go on play dates with yours 😉

hoof someone if you found out.

No, I'm not that type. Believe it or not I'm blue/green on the spectrum - a passive negotiator and don't enjoy confrontation.

That said I always thought playdates was just a reason to off load your child care responsibilities to someone elses child.

Or a social education opportunity. Or to be less scientific, a chance to play with his mates. My issue here is that if I can't trust a parent not to report my activities behind my back, why would I trust their responsibility for my child?

People are looking out for your kids. That's good.

Fair point. But I am after all his Dad, and I'm well known to them. Its not like I'm a relative stranger.

Was your wife 'demanding to know' or just asking what happened?

If it's the former, then I'd be annoyed with her that she think that perhaps you aren't treating your child well, based on a random snippet of life that some random friend saw.
If on the other hand, she's just trying to get an idea of what went on then maybe you are over-reacting.

I find the anonymity thing a bit weird. I'd expect my Wife to tell me who had made the call & would be a bit annoyed that she would rather 'side' with this person, than me.

If you really want to know who it is, just waits until your Wife goes for a dump or something & check the call log on her phone....

My guess is yes OTT

I'm assuming you don't normally take junior to school, and the other parents are maybe just checking in, as they feel that they ought to as if it was something untoward they'd feel awful for not saying anything. Maybe they exaggerated a bit too - mums seem to like a drama

In my experience, putting a few hours in between any event like this and any reactions always helps

Start taking other parents hostage and employ waterboarding until one of them cracks, it's the only sane way to resolve this situation.

Mrs K won't tell me who, but demands to know why.

I don't think you are overreactng at all, if it helps.

Dont worry about it

My guess is the lady who originally called has got her own troubles.

She has started of a conversation with your Mrs by asking about little Kytron's woes so that at some point she'll get asked ... "You OK hun?" ... at which point she dump the fact that her darling has been a right little git all week long and she's ready to throttle him..... and wishes she had a husband like you who takes their kids to school and has a active interest in them.

Do you know all the other parents? Bit strange that the concerned parent didn't come and speak to you to see if your son was ok rather than phoning your wife.

Fair point. But I am after all his Dad, and I'm well known to them. Its not like I'm a relative stranger.

And I'm sure you're lovely, but sadly most mistreatment and abuse comes from parents.

Do you know what was actually said to your missus?

It could have just been a friendly [i]"Was Jnr giving you a hard time this morning? Saw him with Kryton on the way to school and he was having a right good tantrum. Kryton was doing a great job of sorting him out."[/i]

Mrs K won't tell me who, but demands to know why.

That's a warning flag right there. What else might she not be telling you? I wouldn't be trusting her either now.

+1 that's your trust issue right there.

that... what Ro5ey said

projection of her own issues

Things ok between you and your wife?

Not telling you who the parent was.

Does your MiL live close by and have happened to past the school ?

double post

[img] [/img]

[url= https://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/ ]Wikivorce...![/url]

yes, there appears to be a problem between you and your wife. The other stuff seems fine to me.

Lol @ Teasel - yes I spotted the underlying advice in here seemed to be divorce and devolved responsibility meaning I'd never have to face the school gate bitches again.

I've a plan B - I've changed my Friday morning arrangements to ensure I'm taking him to school again. I'm going to look each one of them in the eye and maybe even ask them politely if they did the deed, then suggest I'm quite happy for them to discuss this with me if they have a concern.

More, I'll cycle him in and be wearing full lycra kit while I'm doing it to add to their discomfort*

*I'm more Aru than Spartacus.

It's serious if you're going full MAMIL.

. I'm going to look each one of them in the eye and maybe even ask them politely if they did the deed,

Plan C: let it go.

Someone was looking out for your kids. Be glad that they were. Don't punish them or confront them for that.

Your missus doesn't want to tell you who it was, presumably because she suspects you'd go in feet first and confront them while you are still angry. Don't prove her right.

I can only echo what grahamS said.

At my kid's school, all the mum's love showing off about how attentive they are about the other kids..

'Oh little Jimmy was adorable in the school play'

'How is Jemima's* sore ankle? poor love'

'I heard all about Timmy's amazing science project. He's so clever.... you must be really proud'

'Oh, Max was upset this morning, they're all so tired at this time of year.. He looked like he was back to his old self when I popped in at break time though'

It's a type of maternal virtue signalling contest that I just can't get involved with. Nice as it is. The phone call may well have been unrelated, perhaps about thrush, or to gossip about summink, but the virtue signalling is an important part of the social exchange.

You are paranoid playground dad.. And your relationship with your wife sounds wierd

*obvs I wouldn't admit to sending my kid's to the type of school that attracts Jemimas

One possible interpretation, K, you'll know better than me whether it's likely or not - she's slightly embarrassed by the informant friend "dobbing you in", and doesn't want you knowing who it was because you'll think worse of her than you might already. But she's still interested in what the fuss was about with jnr.

You are paranoid [s]playground dad.. [/s]

FTFY

And your relationship with your wife sounds wierd

How would you know, I don't communicate it on here, other than the one issue today which you've judged us on.

For me it comes down to what several have said, but how did Mrs Kryton 'demand' to know

"oi, what happend, you better tell me or you're in trouble boy"

or

"what happend this morning ?"

How would you know, I don't communicate it on here, other than the one issue today which you've judged us on.

Alright calm down!
Statement retracted as presumptuous and not very helpful.

Why so defensive though?

Careful Yunkl ... you sound demanding

Sorry K ... just pulling your leg .... Bantz init 😆

It's a type of maternal virtue signalling contest that I just can't get involved with. Nice as it is.

Yep, broody mother hens all clucking away, reassuring each other that they are all watching over the chicks. 😆

It's a nice thing. Sign of a good community.

You can understand why they don't want a cock messing it up. 😉

Somebody was worried about your kid. They checked with your wife. Your wife is worried you might overreact so won't tell you who it was. Your kid is fine. The rest of it can be a problem if you want it to be, or it can just disappear if you want it to. Your choice, do you want it to be a problem or just to disappear?

[quote=Kryton57 ]

And your relationship with your wife sounds wierd

+ whatever it is for over reacting.

Demanding? Needs a bit more unpicking IMO; was it 'someone said tarquin was upset on the way to school, was everything alright?' or 'I heard you made tarquin cry what have you done to him this time?'

i do think it slightly odd that 'someone' or 'I heard' isn't 'Debbie said' particularly if she now won't tell you who, but there may be reasonable grounds for that given you seem intent on then confronting them about why they didn't say it directly to you.

That said - who knows, maybe they were driving by in their Chelsea tractor and saw it and couldn't stop. Maybe they didn't think anything really of it but then were talking to the wife about tomorrow's prosecco and Ann Summers party and the new range of magnetic devices and mentioned it in passing?

The other thing i'd add is that my wife and I have an Alex Ferguson approach to this sort of thing. If one of us admonishes the kid(s) then the other backs them up whether right or wrong. Then in private we'll discuss it and [s]if one of us is wrong[/s] once it's established that I'm in the wrong then we'll agree how to deal with such things in future. By extension, if a friend phoned her and said I saw TOJV taking DD to school in tears today, the wife will say that she's sure there's a reason and will then talk to me about it, not burn me first.

See, if, when I walked my kid to school I'd made him cry (back then it would've been accusing him of having a girlfriend rather than some row, as he was a good kid) and some nosey Eastenders fan phoned my wife (who has her number!?) and the wife had asked me - I would've shrugged, "Nosey cow".
The end.
Drama though, much more fun innit.

^^ this, however the chance of my missus answering an incoming call on her mobile is approx 50000000/1

How would you know, I don't communicate it on here, other than the one issue today which you've judged us on.

To be fair, it's about the only thing you haven't asked advice on at one point or another. Which by convention is slightly weird.

Again, explain what happened and let it go, interrogating everyone you know is just going to make you look like a paranoid dick.

Kryton57 - Member
Whats the STW view on this - have I overreacted?

Kryton57 - Member
other than the one issue today which you've judged us on.

Er, you [b]were[/b] literally asking to be judged... 😀

I get home to find that one of the parents has phoned my wife and told her she's viewed him crying on the way to school. Mrs K won't tell me who, but demands to know why.

People do this?

Bit odd that your wife won't say who it is although are you likely to go a bit mental at them.

No, they can't pick my kid up from school for play dates or any other reason

That's just being silly.

I'd just leave it if I were you. It's done, forget about it.

I have just re-read your OP and I really do think you are over-reacting badly – I do not understand why you won't trust any other parents anymore is they have done nothing to cause you to distrust them. Think about it – they saw your child crying and perhaps they simply didn't want to get involved there and then as it may have caused the situation to escalate so they did the next best thing and check in to see if all was okay and they only had your wife's number?

Other parents phoning your wife?

I wouldn't be pudding up with it.

Id start sending Jr to school with theatrical makeup bruises all over him and really get the snitchers working overtime.

Oh hold up, I've just read this bit

Believe it or not I'm blue/green on the spectrum - a passive negotiator and don't enjoy confrontation.

So clearly wouldn't go postal. But people say this **** in real life?

You would be fine in Glasgow though with your 'bit of both' palette. 🙂

This thread is something of a revelation.

I can understand why you're emotionally charged up over it though.
I die inside a little bit if I drop the kids off in tears.. Cringe inducing, guilt laden horror

Morning school runs can be very testing

I die inside a little bit if I drop the kids off in tears..

i turned him away from his friends, dried his eyes and expalined the situation calmy before he walked into class.

But yes this is affecting my mood this morning.

You're a better man than me Mr Kryton..

If mine are crying I push them out of the moving car and drive off in a screech of tyre smoke with my eyes shut tightly and head straight for the off-licence

I occasionally drop my kids off in a state of conflict. I don't think there is anything unusual about this. Kids are not always perfectly behaved so need a good telling off now and then. The fact that this might occur on the school run is neither here or there. This happens to almost every parent at some point.

So another parent informing Kryton's wife of such an occurrence seems ridiculous to me. I would feel aggrieved in the same situation.

It somewhat depends whether they were talking anyway and the other parent just said "Kryton junior didn't look very happy this morning" or was it a call specifically to say "Dear MrsKryton, Kryton had your junior in tears before school."

You are probably overreacting. So is your wife.

It would be nice if tears were all I had to deal with. Yesterday grumpyjunior brought his breakfast back up all over the car on the way to his sports camp. I biked to work today...

Other parents phoning your wife?

I wouldn't be pudding up with it.

Probably means she is having an affair.

[i]Morning school runs can be very testing[/i]

I hope that's joke! Would the lollipop man give him a sweet or not was about as testing as ours got..

We're not all as macho as you though Desmond.

I'm barely alive before 10am so behaving like a responsible parent at the crack of dawn doesn't come naturally

It does sound like you really upset your child if he was still in tears at the school doors. Perhaps that is why the other parent was so concerned? (I have been really very cross with my girls and one of them gets very emotional but never have they still been in tears at the school itself).

Do you think that perhaps you did go too far and have a bigger impact on your child than you initially realised?

Shit the bed, every bloody morning I drop the kids off at school there's at least one kid in tears over some pointless nothingness. Sometimes even mine...

The woman must spend all week on the phone, she must have nothing better to do.

I wouldn't particularly be happy if my wife rang me up asking about it though, especially if she was questioning my parenting.

Sometimes as a parent you will over react and cause your kid to get upset, this will kill you all day if you've dropped them off at school without sorting it out first.

Sometimes kids just cry, stomp and generally act like, well children, for no reason at all.

I guess it depends how both conversations went.

If concerned parent/wife were having a chat anyway and concerned parent mentioning crying miniOP then no big deal, if concerned parent phoned up specifically to say about the crying child then that's out of order.

And if wife/op conversation was a conversation just as part of a general catch up then again no big deal. Also depends on the tone of the 'why was kid crying' question.

It's a tricky one for sure, there's lots to balance here. You really need a chart you can refer to or something, or a hug maybe?

Hope it's not affecting your wellness.

Had it been me after dropping junior off I'd have been straight on the phone to my wife anyway so she could relive the horror of another traumatic school run. But hey that's how I roll.

https://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/

check her phone call log, there'll be one from a Louise, BOOM!

Sounds like the usual school crowd gossip about nothing to be honest. Chalk it up to experience.

What exactly did this need to shut it down? A couple of sentences to your wife about how jnr was being a pain about putting his trousers on and you told him off and that should be it, no?

Other parents phoning your wife?

I wouldn't be pudding up with it.

No pudding for your wife!

John doh read up 6 posts. He wasnt.

How would you know, I don't communicate it on here

You do, regularly.

Anyhow, on topic. My standard response to questions from Madame about junior was "ask him". To information being withheld - patience. To silly people at the school gates - help them make fools of themselves.

It does sound like you really upset your child if he was still in tears at the school doors.

John doh read up 6 posts. He wasnt.

i turned him away from his friends, dried his eyes and expalined the situation calmy before he walked into class.

Umm...

I'm with Yak - DILLIGAF.
My kids - even though they are now both teenagers and one has left there are still rows (in fact theres [b]MORE[/b] now) and its no one else's business as to why.
If my (now ex) wife had told me that I'd most likely have torn her a new one as well as whoever called her.
In fairness she would never have not told me and I would have let her know exactly why the princess had been a little shit once I'd kicked her whiny arse through the school gate so its a mute point but the fact stands.
The nosey shoite can do one and I'd be sure to make sure she knows I know too.....

I vote you put make up on the child to make him appear to have black eyes, get some fake blood - pretend bloody nose.

Cover fists in fake blood.

Send him into school shouting "AND YOU'LL GET MORE FIST IF YOU CARRY ON".

Hopefully weed out who grassed you up 🙂

Kryton - do you mean that the parent called your wife and said she's seen your son with you and crying, or that she's seen your son without you and crying.

If it's the latter then that's someone showing genuine concern for a child's welfare.

If it's the former, then seriously WTF? That's a very snide thing to do. I can understand your wife asking about, I mean it would be more surprising if she didn't. I guess if you're trust issue there would be based on how she asked - was it out of passing but well-meant interest or was it accusatorial?

As for the mum snitching on you, that just beggars belief. What a horrible thing to do. I wonder if that mum would have called you if it had been your wife dropping your son off in the same situation or if her first thought would simply have been that it was an entirely innocent episode with a regular eight year old.

Have you tried intimate shaving? Intimate shaving will help.

Next time at drop off simply wear a t shirt with the slogan "snitches get stitches"

Think yourself lucky the gossip rang your wife and didnt post you on facebook as a child beater.

Shit the bed, every bloody morning

Bit too much information there...

Anyhow, if you're seriously proposing giving all the mums the death stare of accusation tomorrow morning, perhaps there's your answer as to why your missus doesn't want you knowing who the culprit is.

Why give the mum/dad involved the satisfaction of knowing they've got to you? Breezy insouciance for the win!!

Are you and Mrs K divorced? If not, I give it a year.

What's she being saying about you to this mother that meant the mother felt compelled to ring up at the first sign of trouble? She can't trust you to act nicely if she tells you who it was. She had to ask you and 'demand to know' before you proffered the information naturally. This has got nothing to do with the other parent and everything to do with your relationship with your wife. You got problems. Sorry.

Blimey, there's so much rage and pent up stress on here.
Instead of taking it personally, take a step back and look at the larger picture.

If my (now ex) wife had told me that I'd most likely have torn her a new one as well as whoever called her.

Why be so angry about people looking out for your kids?

its no one else's business as to why

Is that the world you [i]actually[/i] want to live in? Where people ignore young children they are concerned about because it's none of their business? That doesn't sound like a good place.

If it's the latter then that's someone showing genuine concern for a child's welfare.
If it's the former, then seriously WTF? That's a very snide thing to do. ...
that just beggars belief. What a horrible thing to do.

No, [i]both[/i] of those are someone showing concern for a child.

Also remember you don't know the background of the person who is concerned. They may have seen or been subjected to domestic violence or abuse themselves and be hyper-aware for warning signs. Or the phone call might have just been a very gentle [i]"Is everything okay?"[/i] opener, which is a kind, caring thing to do and something that takes guts.

take a step back and look at the larger picture.

Graham are you a father?

The right thing for that mother to do would have been to approach Kryton and ask if everything is OK. Calling his wife basically says 'I think you're husband has hurt your child'.