[Closed] Treatment for alcoholism and depression

Sadly, my late partner also struggled with depression and used alcohol to self-medicate.
While she was with me, her drinking did improve somewhat, I think because I gave her a calm, stable home, but getting any sort of help was nearly impossible. When she was living with her mum in Salisbury, a situation that wasn’t helping her, she was going to an organisation called Turning Point, but their branch in Chippenham didn’t seem to help, then they shut down without telling her and moved to Trowbridge, which was useless to her. Her doctor wasn’t much help, either.
I was doing a lot of research into new treatments for depression using microdosing psychoactives like psilocybin and ketamine, which are showing remarkable improvements in the mental health of patients, something to do with the regrowth of damaged synapses between neurones in the brain, Joey’s depression was a direct result of a brain haemorrhage in the front of her brain, so it looked like a very promising avenue of treatment; sadly, her death from a bloodclot meant she was never able to get further help.
I honestly believe that getting her onto one of the programs using these treatments would have changed her life for the better - it’s worth looking into, one treatment apparently gives up to six months without symptoms of depression.
There are a lot of proper medical articles online about these treatments, they are still experimental, but professionals in the field seem incredibly excited about their potential.

It may be sad to read this but I think your ex may be past help - I really hope not, but having lived this first-hand I remember the times when we were in the exact same situation as your daughter appears to be. By all means continue to support her as she supports her mum, but at this stage it's just as important to focus on your daughter's mental health. For the past couple of years my wife has been going to a local Al-Anon group every week. Through Al-Anon she's been able to come to terms with the death of her mum 6 years ago, as well as all the guilt and regret felt from not being able to turn things around.

Don't have much advice but if she is willing the sinclair method could be an option. Sinclair Method UK will be able to help.

It may be sad to read this but I think your ex may be past help

i sadly agree.
very similar situation to my M-I-L. phone calls at all times of day or night, my wife did more than could have been expected of her, deep cleaning her house, running errands etc
M-I-L also had some money and paid for a period away at rehab, but sadly once back home all the good work was undone and back to normal.

she's now become even worse, incidents include trying to hit ambulance personnel with a hammer, wandering down the shops and getting into taxis to buy whisky bottles whilst having covid, making a nuisance of herself with the neighbours etc. her house is er...... well shall we say that shes not looking after herself and not reaching the toilet whilst under the influence.

social services have been round for a deep clean when she has one of her spells in hospital, fire service involved from a CFS POV, but there really isnt any more that you can do unless she wants to change.

sad tho it is, my wife understands that you have to look after yourself before you can look after others, and now usually doesnt answer the phone to her, as itll either be a request to take her down the shops for whisky, or abuse about what a bitch of a daughter she is and always has been etc etc.
same with the social worker, always ringing my wife to go round, but then when my wife wanted any info he wouldnt provide it, data confidentiality etc etc. she didnt mind helping the social services out, but it just became a one-way relationship and she felt that her mum wasnt getting the help she needed because they were expecting her to do it, so she slipped further down the list of importance. to some extent i understand that as theyre snowed under, but when they wouldnt return my wifes calls, or give her any info that she needed in order to help, she just said enoughs enough.

in the end she's just washed her hands of it all now, social worker has been told we wont be doing his job for him any more, M-I-L now badgers other family members because she knows she cant manipulate my wife any more, and my wifes less stressed and just more accepting of the inevitable sad end.
and thats where i think your daughter will need to put herself really. if its harming her mental health, sad tho it is i think she should maybe take a step back and let the professionals do their job.

its a sad situation for everyone really isnt it, and i can understand your daughter keep letting herself get pulled into helping, its her mum after all, but she needs to look after herself. all the best, and i hope she (and her mum) can find some peace.

Bottom line... You can't help an alcoholic. An alcoholic has to want to help themselves. If your daughter's able to identify manipulative behaviour, they may be able to distance themselves from it. Doesn't mean that they can't stop loving her, just shield themselves from her alcoholism.

wot qwerty said

If she will go into some sort of looked after accommodation that stops the emergency calls to your daughter and is probably the best thing

As a final year med student she will have the knowledge to know what is happening but what she will not have is the experience and detachment to separate the professional and the personal here - a trap it sounds to me like she is in danger of falling into

Do you need to step up to protect your daughter? a question only - we do not know enough to answer it

Some more information about current thinking regarding the treatment of depression:

https://www.inverse.com/mind-body/immune-system-depression-histamines

I'm stuck in a similar situation with a family member. The local authority have offered help with the alcohol and depression/anxiety therapy but not until she engages with the alcohol services offered, which they won't.

The alcohol seems to perpetuate the vicious cycle of victim mentality, a new crisis emerges every week (kids, police, finances etc) and then self medication via booze. It's so sad to watch someone throw their life away slowly and have all attempts to help ignored.

As others have suggested self protection is unfortunately key. I'm preparing myself mentally for a ghastly ending and I suggest you try and ensure your close ones do similar.

As a further grim insight... I once spent 3hrs waiting in one of the Nelson Trusts provisions, I spent it chatting to a guy who worked there, who'd also been through there as a service user. In terms of breaking the cycle of addiction, in his opinion, one of three things will happen: 1) Death, 2) Prison, 3) They'll hit rock bottom & be bored of their addiction and want to change. Sorry it's not more cheery. Bear in mind that they deal with chronic addictions, their clientele will fall into 3).

What a horrible situation, can't say anymore about your exes situation than those above.

I would encourage your daughter to contact student support services for herself.
She's in a really intense period of her training and last thing she needs is this disrupting her future life too by her mums selfish behaviour/condition.
As TJ says, she will have theory of it all but not be able distance and protect herself. Medics are renowned at being rubbish getting help and support so really encourage her to get support she needs.

A terrible situation for all involved. Alcoholism is a very bad thing indeed. My BIL had a similar relationship with his Dad - eventually rejecting him and stopping going round to help. The old man spent tens of thousands on booze, care and trips to rehab (which never worked in his case). A couple of years later he died suddenly, and BIL's guilt was immense.

There are no winners, but your daughter is in a very tricky spot and will need a lot of support.

So, can anyone recommend anything that can help my daughter get her mother fixed?

This, unfortunately, is the wrong attitude IMHO. There's no 'fixing' this. You need to develop strategies for coping with this situation, and protecting your daughter. Good luck.

As per:

1) Death, 2) Prison, 3) They’ll hit rock bottom & be bored of their addiction and want to change.

Flattening the glide slope feels like it's helping but it's not. Ever.

Your Ex is not going to change while she's enabled and she will remain manipulative and parasitic. Your daughter needs to take a big spoonful of sugar and swallow this. My advice based on observation and experience is for her to cut her mother out of her existence. Blunt.

Lots of sad stories at the moment esp with lockdown. A family friend has become a full blown alcoholic in response to the stress of it.
If someone has been abusing booze on that level for that long the chances of them making a recovery are v slim.
All the alcoholics I've known have had depression below it all. The only thing that stopped me from drinking heavily was to move house and change my life. I'm not a depressive but my depression was situation based. As some as I got my own house the need to drink disappeared

@breninbeener - sorry to hear about the impact your ex is having on your daughter. Speaking from experience, the best that you can do in this situation is to support your daughter in finding ways to deal with the emotional trauma of an alcoholic parent. One of the other posters mentioned Al-Anon and this has really helped my partner who grew up in a chaotic household due to gambling and alcohol addictions.
It was not until she was in her late thirties that she began to recognize the impact living in an Alcoholic household had on her and the baggage it left her with. Make no mistake alcoholism is a family disease - it affects every person who has a relationship with the Alcoholic.
Your ex-wife will not change until she wants it for herself so nothing your daughter can do for her will sadly have any great effect, so as some of the other posters have said, the best assistance you can give your daughter(s) is to put her front and centre not your ex-wife.

It may be sad to read this but I think your ex may be past help

Agree with this. My dad was an alcoholic, as was my wifes mum, and it kills me to hear stories like your daughters. While some might see the damage they are doing with their behaviour, the addiction will win and unless/until they seek help and commit to recovery there is nothing they or you can do to stop it.

While your daughter might have a better understanding of the physical impact of her mums drinking, she is very poorly placed to deal with the emotional side and that is what will do the most damage to her. You need to figure out a way to help her see the emotional blackmail for what it is and learn to ignore it.

I don't know if there are specific support groups for those affected by alcoholism but that would be my first thought. Perhaps a local AA group can help in some way?

I have a very good friend who is 6 months dry now and doing OK. I don't want to speak for him, but am almost certain that if it would help he would be happy to talk with either you or your daughter. He won't have answers but can probably provide some good insight and perhaps put you in touch with others who might be able to help. Please PM me if you want me to ask.

Thanks to everyone who has helped and input with this.

There is no love lost between me and my ex, she drank every day of her pregnancy with the twins which resulted in them being born 10wks early weighing 2lb 11 and 1lb 7. She has in the past been arrested for a S18 assault on me and on another occasion with my attempted murder.

However my daughter is still cimpelled to help het mother. They have spent 2 days backwards anf forwards to A&E for a vomiting issue, and i think my daughter is slowly coming to the end of her tether with her mother.

Im trying v hard to support Amy, and im hoping the reliance will reduce once she is 200 miles away at college.

It has caused a little tension as Amy doesnt realise why im not willing to help her mother, but her loyalty and altruism hasnt been as abused as mine.

Im going to get help for Amy and im hoping she is too absorbed in her studies to pander too much to her mothers manipulation.

Thanks again

Ian

It has caused a little tension as Amy doesnt realise why im not willing to help her mother,

Have you told her? Reading from what you've written your standpoint seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Yes Amy knows whats happened with her mother, but her massive well of kindness and altruism means that she can see past all the history to go and help her mother.

Yeaterday on a visit to her mothers to take food, she was so ill with voilent retching that Amy phoned the GP. She was told to take her to A & E. It took 3 hrs to persuade her mother, then she had to be pushed in a wheelchair as she was so drunk.

Covid rules meant that her mother had to be left in A & E and then Amy received a series of texts demanded to be taken back home as she couldnt be bothered with the waiting time....

My crystal ball gazing and experiences on this thread seem to lead in one direction.

Ian