[Closed] Top tips to get kids through a relationship split?!?!

Not been on either end of this situation so feel free to ignore me, but my advice would be, be honest but keep it simple (I know it must be the opposite of simple!).

And above all, guard against using them as pawns (I presume that won't happen in your case but it does happen too often).

And once the fall out settles down, don't let the little buggers play you off against each other...

Things should be amicable and we both want the best for the kids...

And this good will will last through her new man or your new girl?

I left my kids mum when they were 3 and 6, and although I'm very happy I did so, and still see them regularly, I went through a whole heap of shit to get here.

No tip, but good luck.

Communication and honesty.

Me and my wife split, my lad is 2. He has noticed but he seems better now we don't argue anymore. We get on. I see him every weekend.

I hope it stays amicable. Splits aren't good, but if its causing problems.

Good luck and talk to your friends

Things should be amicable and we both want the best for the kids...

That's the secret, to always think about the kids. I left when my girls were 9 and 5 and I made a conscious decision not to slag off their Mum in front of them, even though it was difficult at times. Nearly 5 years on, there are still things to sort out but I have great relationships with both girls. Another thing I've always tried to do is take the girls as often as I can, even if it means cancelling whatever I have planned. Last thing, I've been honest with the kids about everything - new girlfriends, moving flats, selling the family home. I've tried to talk to them about it as soon as I could.

It's not much but I hope it helps. All the best for the future.

Try not to say anything negative about her. My parents do that now and then (one more then the other), and it just feels like they're trying to persuade me to dislike the other one as much as they do, which actually has the reverse effect.

Also try not to pry too much, it's not fun when one is asking loads of questions about what the other is doing, it just feels like they're prying for weaknesses or something.

If you can get into a situation where you don't actually hate each other that would make everything a lot easier (for everyone). Good luck.

Difficult to put into sound bites on here, make sure you put you kids feelings first, bite your lip & be a door mat if necessary, their feelings are more important than yours, let them know what is going on in ways that they will understand. Last thing the kids need is to be in the middle of a battle of wills.

I'm 28. Speaking as a well rounded married man whose had 3 mums (dads a playa)....

What I've learnt;

Don't argue in front of them. They will remember it.
Don't use them to get at each other.
Don't put down your ex in front of your kids
Tell them you both love them
Agree on parenting rules with your ex to maintain stability
Be civil, kids absorb the vibes. they will remember.

My advice is its money. Thats what will cause friction. You need to do MORE than what the law says you do.

I dont have any children but my parents split when I was 4, this had a huge effect on me as you would imagine.
The best thing that they both did was to remain completly amicable regardless of situation, it's not about you it's got to be about the kids. My dad would never say a bad word about my mum or her new idiot partner and my mum would be equally as civil. It later transpired that there was a lot of hatered there but Neither my sister or I ever even glimpsed it.

The other thing that was brilliant was that when it came to schooling and important life desicions, it would be discussed by both mum and dad to get points of views across from either side, you still both have a responsibility for them and it's nice for the kids (for us at least) to know both mum and dad are still looking out for them.
It's unfortunate that things have not worked for you and your Missus, it really doesn't have to effect the kids.

I got 2 holidays, 2 birthdays, 2 christmas's life was sweet. If feelings are put aside then it can be a very positive experience.

Best of luck.

No.

I understand what he said; you are maybe getting overexcited again.

In Denmark it seems common that kids live one week with dad and then one week with mum which seems to cause no end of confusion for the kids, parents, friend etc. I think it's a really bad idea personally, I think they need more stability than that personally.

My parents split when I was about 10 which was fine, but as said above, it's important to be civil to and about each other. I know my dad is a /%¤"%¤ but it still upsets me to hear my mum pointing that out even though I am 37 now!

Have an almost 11 year old. Split with his dad when son was 2. My advice would be to let the children live their lives, even if it is an "inconvenience" to you. By this I mean let them play for their sports teams every weekend (even if you have to travel a little), let them go to their friend's parties, attend parents evenings, sports day, school plays etc even if it means having to show some solidarity with your ex when you might not want to or feel like it.
My son is starting to resent his father for not doing those things and tbh although I do defend him for my son's sake I have to say that he does have some right to be upset about it.

although I do defend him

Throughout it all my Mum kept quiet about my Dad infront of me whilst I grew up. I wasn't stupid- I could see how friends fathers behaved but I didn't need reminding/reinforcing. Which was good. A mum reinforcing a neg would just have made me resent them both.

It's now doubly important to follow through on what you say you'll do.

If you tell the kids you'll see them on a certain day, or take them to a certain place, make sure you do it. Even a minor let-down will seem massive to a child in these circumstances.

Msreluctant's advice +1 basically.

If you can keep it amicable, then that's half the battle. We've managed it. You'll get the odd flashpoint inevitably. That's just part and parcel. Don't ever fall into slagging each off in front of the kids. It never ends well. My ex never does. Neither do I. The ex MiL never misses an opportunity to do so. But then she's just a bitter, interfering old hag. Ahem.... anyway..... It just proves to be counter productive. Kids aren't daft, and it'll make you look smaller in their eyes

msreluctant speaks very wise words indeed. To just add a bit to that.... Its important not just be a weekend dad. Mine (8 & 5) stay with me through the week as well. I've changed my working hours so I can pick them up, and drop them into school, even though it's a long round trip to do so. Its all about priority. We even have a laugh on the journey. Having them staying with me through the week is very important to all of us, including my ex who gets time off through the week, and me and the kids spend some quality time together. Don't underestimate how important it is not just to do the fun stuff on a Saturday morning, but to also sit down on a Tuesday evening and help them with their spelling homework. Its so important. For you both.

Good luck with it all. Its painful for a while, but it settles. I'm a very lucky boy. My kids, me, and my fantastic partner (who my girls absolutely love!) have a great relationship. Everyone's happy. All the effort you put in, you'll get back in spades

EDIT: Oh.... and tell them you love them all the time. They'll tell you! And you can never have too many hugs 😀

Oh.... To have an ex like Binners! 🙂 Am actually very lucky as my new hubby is great with my son. Spends hours with him at swimming practice, days in hot pools at galas and is a great step dad.
Fathers are for life, not just for weekends!

I like you binners (genuinely).

Don't bad mouth each other in front of the kids.
Do NOT use them as weapons to beat each other with.
Make every decision with them foremost in mind.
Tell them you love them, all the time.

Try to keep things amicable. Hard sometimes and if it means swallowing your pride in front of the kids, do it. Resolve any differences away from them

Kids are far stronger and much more switched on that we give them credit for.

Good luck mate.

Cheers guys your all pretty much reaffirming what I already thought.
I was brought up in relationship split where my parents bitter, resentful and used me as a pawn so I know exactly how it is. It just means i'll try even harder.

I'm still very local and fortunately because of the ex's work patterns it will mean i'll prob have them for a night or two in the week as well as weekend etc so i'll still be involved with the school drop offs, reading homework etc which will be good.

I'm just hoping my ex can keep positive and put as much effort in as I'm willing to and it should work out well.
Its been a rough few years and i'm looking forward to being more positive, confident and happy for the kids. The kids are great and very loved but it can't have been much fun for them the last few years.
Time to focus purely on them and build a stronger relationship with them.
Two happy homes are better than one unhappy one and all that!!

Two happy homes are better than one unhappy one and all that!!

Amen to that! All that matters is that they feel secure and loved. And thats a lot easier in a positive atmosphere. Everything else is secondary. If you're happier - and it sounds like you are already, it feeds through to them

Good luck with it all fella

Do you think its a good idea to keep things familiar??

Was thinking of just a few little things here and there like getting them the same bunk beds they have at home and maybe having a fair few family pictures around the flat so they can see pics of there Mum and us all as a family etc...

I think a mix is good. Its nice to have some familiar things, but to be honest with you, my girls love coming to me [i]because[/i] its so different from their mums. Its been a while now, and the novelty hasn't worn off withe them.They seem to really enjoy having two very different environments. I suppose variety is the spice of life after all

It sounds like you're well aware that all that matters is that they feel secure and loved. The details aren't really that important

If you want to email me (address in profile) I'm happy to go into a bit more detail

I think some familiar is good, change can be difficult for anyone. Obviously have clothes, pajamas, toothbrush etc at your house so that they don't have to arrive with a suitcase every weekend feeling like refugees...but it might be nice to have special bedtime books they read with you- maybe they can help to choose them, or help them choose new bedding, decorations for their new rooms so they feel involved?
The other quick point I would make is the importance of having consistent rules for the children at both houses, it must be very confusing to have to remember that bedtime is at one time with daddy and another with mummy, or that mummy allows cartoons all morning, but daddy doesn't.
From the other point of view, it is hard being the disciplinarian at home the majority of the time, to have the other partner not enforce the same rules, it can also be a source for bad feeling, so keep the communication lines open...

" Do you think its a good idea to keep things familiar?? "

I don't think it really matters as long as things are consistent.
Probably easier for them if they find some things at your home that are theirs or they like. You will have to accept that stuff does tend to gravitate to their main home though.
Kids are much more perceptive than you might think, they remember a lot. Right down to the kind and colour of cups you have in the cupboard. They do like to rake around and find old toys and books.

They do accept and view things differently and quicker than an adult might. For example my youngest was 6 months old when we moved into the house where I still live. She was 4 when we split and my wife moved out. Within a few months the house went from our house to our old house to daddies house. They are still happy to come and stay with me, sleep in their old room, doesn't phase them at all.

It is hard though and you need to learn to(or I did anyway) to be flexible and change your plans if they have things on or are just tired or cranky. Backup quick and easy meals is a good tip. Just because it is "your" time with the kids doesn't mean you can always do what you had planned.

I also agree strongly with what someone else said about not just being a "weekend" dad. This is often the realty but doing little things with them especially to begin with they really seem to appreciate. I was able to still take my older daughter to school for the first couple of months which helped a lot. And my ex wife asks me to take them and pick them up sometimes if they have things on. It helps me still stay in touch with what they are doing and for them to see that I am still involved.

Don't feel under pressure do always go places and do big stuff with them. They also like to do simple things with you too like cleaning their bikes, (hosepipe fun) or messing about in the garden.

I've gone / going through this too. Honestly it was pretty tough but getting better. My kids are happy that's the most important thing.

Keep them that you love them and are there for the.
Keep telling them as best you can what is going on.
Don't argue.
Don't take sides.
Try to keep other family people in the loop, grandparents etc.
Be there for them for the small things as well as the big things.
Have fun with them.

Agree custodial arrangements quickly - don't chop and change too much, kids need stability at that age.
Definitely do not badmouth the other parent or get the kids involved in adult arguments.
Reinforce that both of you love them and it is not their fault in any way shape or form

I agree with the posters who have said try to keep rules the same in both homes, but the reality is that you both might have slightly differing opinions about parenting, rules, what the kids can/can't do. So long as this is clear to the kids, and they get time to adjust, they will adapt. My mum would allow me to stay in the house alone for example for a few hours when I was 12, my dad thought this was abhorrent and wouldn't allow me to stay alone in the house until I was 14. But they broadly agreed about most things, so small things weren't a big deal. If I whinged to my mum that Dad wouldn't let me do something, she would simply say "that's your dad's decision when you're with him and in his house". She did often disagree but they would not have that conversation in front of me - they backed each other even though their ideas on discipline and rules particularly for teens were not always the same. It's possible to do although not easy, you have to have respect that you are both trying to parent in the best way for the kids. It also helps to avoid the kids learning that they can play you off against each other.

A lot of good stuff here.

I'd add that the kids need to have a routine and stability (i.e.it's their room, they know where their teddy is, where their DVDs are, that sort of thing), so that they feel at home when they're at your place. If they feel like they're just visiting, it'll be a lot harder.

Hora's point on money is spot-on; be generous now, and accept that you're going to be poorer than you were. You're now running two houses between you, so no surprises there.

Make sure you've discussed in outline who will take them to the doctor, dental appointments etc - this come around with young kids with astonishing rapidity, so without getting prescriptive (no pun intended) you need to agree that you just take turns, but that sometimes either one will be unable to cancel what they were doing. Sounds trivial but this is the sort of thing that can often cause flashpoints.

You need to work at your (new) relationship with your wife just as hard as you did before; it'll be more distant, certainly, but because it's likely to be on the phone or email far more than before, be careful not to give offence where none is intended (and which would never be taken when it's a face to face discussion). Remember that even though you've both agreed that it's over, there'll still be anger and recriminations to come, probably on both sides.

Cheers everyone, really positive stuff coming through.

Any advice on the financial side of things other than try to keep the CSA out of it?

I've no idea where to begin with maintenance etc. The govenments recommendations seem waaaayyy of the mark!
Obviously want to make things as easy as I can for them all but on the same note i'm walking away with absolutly nothing and i need to think about having a roof over my ahead and being able to provide for my kids myself.
Would be interested to see what people are paying, obviously through my email addy in profile rather than on the open forum.

Hi Gravity Sucks

My wife and I split 2 years ago,lots of good advice here,the only thing I can add is to make sure the kids see the positive aspects of the plit.No more bickering parents or awkaward silences,parents being much happier and less shouty around them.Its also helpful if you or they have friends who have been through the same.My kids found it easier to deal with once they could relate to other school friends or family meber who had been in the same situation and had come through the other side. Mine also seem to quite like having 2 houses,love my gf/f and her 2 kids and the fact that they in some ways get more of my attention now than when we were togther.It helps if you can still live nearby,as it amkes it much easier to be involved with collecting/drop offs to school,for them to have their friends round and so on.

As to maintenance,I pay just maintenance for the kids,no spousal maintenace because my ex became eligible for a whole load of working tax and child credits when I moved out whcih leave us with the same disposable income once I have paid her the kids maintenance.We started with the CSA guidelines, and I increase that in line with any pay rises I get.On top we go halves on christmas presents,school trips,kids after school clubs and their school dinners.

You don`t need to have a formal agreement if you keep things amicable,as long as you pay it.The CSA does have a private agreement form that you can use.I pay a regular monthly amount to my ex via a bank transfer.

I split up with my wife a month ago, my 5yo thinks I am working too hard for me to stay over at his Grans. 🙁 Thanks for this thread,a lot of positive and reassuring advice that I haven't destroyed my two boy's lives.

Thanks for the thread, some good tips. I split up with my partner in March, she moved out. So far it has been pretty tough. It has been really hard trying to balance looking after the two boys 2 and 4 with work and looking after the house. I had huge issues getting the tax credit sorted in fact it only came through this week. So money has been a huge problem. Speaking to their mum is hard and pretty awkward, think I made the mistake of trying to be overly nice to her which resulting in a whole heap of anger building up on my part. You will still need to pull together more often than you may expect. Nick F is right in the first month both of mine got chicken pox. Please try and find a bit of time for yourself it help a whole lot trying to keep things in perspective. Things are getting better though.