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ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
GRINDING WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeouw s--t..."
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your workshop, garage or shed on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ? socket you've been searching for, over the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and so-sharp wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Vauxhall, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.
DAMNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
I like the hacksaw one. 🙂
Sat here literally crying with laughter reading these.
Spot on :o)
How about these:
Hayes Manuals Translations
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, especially as you are now gazing at the worrying innards of an automatic gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into..
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (extra large).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Where did that go??"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: Pliers required to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Granny could do that. So how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number. But you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this, aren't you?
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect me to ride it afterwards.
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice: "Yes as I thought. Going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to hurt yourself.
Haynes: Remove retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box.
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Haynes: Apply strong heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got BluTac around here somewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations or notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.
hacksaw and ez out ones......so true
good old Haynes 🙂
bad workman always blames his tools.............
my d*ck isn't big enough!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to hurt yourself.
😀
i used an electric plane to give my kids a comprehensive lesson on the internal anatomy of the index finger
[i]Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ... [/i]
This applies particularly to anything assembled by Triumph or MG in the '70's
Hayes: Ensure new gaskets/seals/tension bolts are used
Translation: Yeah right.
I love where it says 'step 1, remove the four bolts' and that ends up taking all day and six trips to Halfords...