I've noticed that my usual grumpy pedant personality is getting worse..I'm increasingly intolerant and more irritable than ever. I just need to take a deep breath, count to 10 and calm down yet I struggle to do this, frequently.
People at work vary from very nice, dedicated professionals to ****less moronic know-it-alls that know nothing and do nothing. The state of UK politics is frankly deeply depressing and Gaza, Ukraine etc is just sickening.
Anyway, has anyone got any top tips for not being reactive, or improving or managing my responses to be more balanced, less grumpy, more reflective etc.
The only solution is avoid all media, including here.
I cannot, I'm too addicted.
Best one for me is: go ride a bike.
Or Matt's suggestion.
I never watch TV news - it makes me too angry watching politicians lie. If you get your news from reading you can skip the bits that angert you. I know the outline of what is happening in Gaze. I don't need to know any detail.
Concentrate on stuff you can change. do a bit of good when you can.
Work? let the numpties muck things up. cover your arse by getting stupid instructions in writing then if ordered to do something daft do it but do it under protest
Anyway, has anyone got any top tips for not being reactive, or improving or managing my responses to be more balanced, less grumpy, more reflective etc
Switch off the world.
21st century and perhaps for the following one or two more centuries will be centuries of "mental health" due to over exposure of or overload with information both relevant and irrelevant.
Yeah switch off social media.
Also read the Chimp Paradox if you haven't already.
I can control my media intake but I still have to put up with corporate culture with some toxic colleagues
I'm fast coming to the conclusion that we mid-lifers need a big pause from life because becoming more intolerant. I don't mean anything drastic, just jacking in the day to day for a year or so because we take on so much responsibility in a snowball like manner.
Personally speaking, I have 2 fast growing dependants who are doing very well at school and sports who don't deserve to be sabotaged by my selfishness.
So its bike rides, an evening tipple, TV and coffee as the affordable crutch.
Also read the Chimp Paradox if you haven’t already.
I have stacks of such self help books., but don't have time to read or implement any of the content. That in itself is a paradox to me.
prior to retiring, i was constantly angry, and not just annoyed, i mean like incredible hulk type anger, over nothing most of the time. customers annoyed me, the boss annoyed me, i annoyed myself.
i stopped almost straight away when i cycled away from work on my last day.
we all have things that turn us into hulk. work was mine.
Ashwagandha and CBD oil.
Ashwaganda
(I started this 2 weeks ago as it happens, still waiting for the breakthrough!)
... but I still have to put up with corporate culture with some toxic colleagues
You can't change the corporate culture but you can change yourself or at least make the decision to avoid them. i.e. minimum contact unless necessary or change job.
Do it while you still can before it is too late.
Avoid the daily mail.
.
That place, its readership, its comments section and the hate filled journalists really annoy the crap out of me. i keep praying there will be a fire and the whole sorry place will end up a raging inferno.
Its the lies they print, adding 'allegedly' or 'claimed' as if those sources are beyond reproach, despite them adding such get out clauses. Hate based upon lies.
.
Like the poppy seller chap. Someone in a jostle stood on his foot accidentally. DM puts that out as he was attacked,and keeps using the word, even though there is no actual factual evidence to support such a claim. Then they run a story about every poppy seller is now afraid to be out selling poppies because they risk attack and assault, when in truth nothing like that has happened, or will happen.
New job? <br />Try moving to Matsuyker Island.
I can control my media intake but I still have to put up with corporate culture with some toxic colleagues
smile, nod and ignore.
Stupidity from above - make sure its in writing to cover your arse. Their problem if it all goes pear shaped not yours
toxic colleagues - just ignore. walk away do not get involved. Think of the money.
I think we all get less tolerant as we get older. The trick is to avoid being grumpy and bad tempered with it. When I was young I was easily embarrassed and cared a lot about what people thought of me. Now I don’t give a jot.
I am trying to be less grumpy. Maybe a good way to do it is use humour. Say things in a witty sarcastic way rather than straight for the jugular.
prior to retiring, i was constantly angry, and not just annoyed, i mean like incredible hulk type anger, over nothing most of the time. customers annoyed me, the boss annoyed me, i annoyed myself.
i stopped almost straight away when i cycled away from work on my last day.
we all have things that turn us into hulk. work was mine.
Amen
1) if you drink alcohol, try stopping. IMHE even 2 beers makes me more irritable for 1-2 days after. I don't know enough about brain chemistry or anything else to know why, but I feel it. Maybe you do too.
2) develop distance and insight for people around you. A guy at work is doing your nut in. Why is he doing your nut in? Maybe it's because he is out of his depth or overstretched. What does he actually want out of this conversation - to know the answer or to feel reassured? This doesn't mean you have to be a patsy, but understanding why people are doing what they are doing puts you back in control and puts you in a position to be generous with them.
3) make the world a better place - not in a big way. You are not going to solve Gaza or stop the war in Ukraine. But you can clean out your wardrobe and donate clothes so some poor bastard in Gaza City or Kherson can be given some tools to rebuild their lives. You can drive a granny to their doctor's appointment. You can take a bin bag to the kids playpark and clean some litter up. There is a community group somewhere near you that needs your help. Last year I helped a local group clean out and move into the new space they had found. I just showed up and swept a bit and carried boxes for a few hours a week. It wasn't much (and I haven't done anything since) but however small it was nice to know that even if my job was a bit silly, at least I did one useful thing to help someone make someone's life a bit better.
4) therapy
5) ride your bike. Stop arguing online.
6) avoid sarcasm. Say things openly but without malice.
(For the avoidance of doubt - I am trying and failing to do all of these things).
Not going to bed too late all week 😔
Interested.
So many times a day, something happens or someone does something, and my initial internal response is why the f did you do that or why did that happen. Why are you so stupid, why don't you think, you're an inconsiderate selfish arsehole, why didn't you do it properly, why didn't you do something about that before it turned into a bigger problem, why are you creating work for people, why is this broken why haven't you fixed it, etc.
100mg Sertraline prescribed by the doctor, best I've felt for the last 10 years!
Or 20mg citalopram!
DrP
I'll see your 20mg Citalopram and raise you 30!
Still intolerant and irritable but not bothered by it
Stop caring. Your life is meaningless. Accept that and the trivia that happens within it seems even less important.
Absolutely this. No point getting worked up about the stuff you can’t change. Just take care of the stuff you can and just let the rest wash over you.
I have this on my iPhone case (courtesy of the Daily Mash) to constantly remind me…
I would have a quick google of "3 good things" (it will take less than 5mins to read it). It is supposedly a very simple trick that is capable of having very dramatic effects.
Essentially, the idea is to note 3 good things that happened that day, every day, before you go to bed. We naturally focus on negative things and not positive things which we take for granted and this is designed to redress the balance. I think the power comes from the effect over time if you make it habitual. You can physically note them down somewhere if you want to go the extra step and then can see over time the patterns of things that are positive in your life.
Either way whether you simply make a mental note or jot it down, the things that you note might surprise you.
Its free and it takes like 60seconds once per day and could have a real effect. I try and do it most nights.
Being miserable, intolerant and cynical seems to be worn as a badge of honour by some people or adopted as a lifestyle choice and I definitely feel myself like that sometimes but lets be honest its probably not very good for you.
Look after your liver.
The liver is the seat of anger in the body.
I am professionally cynical and, despite my best efforts to see the good and sensible in people, I am continuously let down by them, so I feel and share your suffering. Whilst it may be a good idea to avoid social media, media and the public in general, I really think the only thing that you can do to reduce the risk of this is to try and not care.
The alternative is to accept it, give in to it, become bitter, jaded, cynical and then change career to work in risk management or IT Security.
Or maybe just booking time away from devices to do exercise. Or other stuff. That worked for me until I found skydiving; now I use that for forgetting the real world and cycling is just methadone equivalent until the jumping season starts again.
My job has been driving me round the bend all this year. I'm currently working my notice.
Remember that its all out of your control, no matter how passionate you are, angry you are and how much you care. You can't change others or the state of the world, it is what it is whether you waste energy being angry or whether you say "yeah it's crap but whatever, nothing I can do" and move on
Care about the things you have a direct impact on and can influence, rather than the things you can't
If that leaves you feeling like you're going to have an existential crisis, find meaning in the small part of the world around you where you can have influence, and help others. Volunteering, putting pollinator plants around the garden, bird feeders, litter picking, worlds your oyster when it comes to that kind of stuff.
First and foremost look after yourself. Do the things that matter to you frequently and don't apologise for it. If that's riding, do that. Allow the other people in your life to do the same, and don't begrudge them their own time.
Eat well, sleep well, try not to drink too much. Read, and have a selection, read some fiction read some non fiction, broaden your horizon a bit, do something of an evening that you find interesting, don't just sit and stare at the telly or your phone.
Have Sex with your partner. Make some time to be intimate. Have proper conversations, and talk openly about the things that are worrying you.
Join in with something in the community and give something back. Help out and don't wait to be asked.
Make yourself into the person you're happy with being, and those folks that used to irritate the **** out of you don't really matter much after a while, because they aren't that important.
@willard - I'm jaded and I work in risk management (over 20 years)
I don’t read the DM, or any national newspaper, but I do get a lot of international news from Flipboard, and all its doing is reinforcing my natural, inbuilt intolerance of assholes.
Unfortunately, the world seems to be full of them, so avoiding them, or any reference to them is nigh on impossible. Including on here.
I believe its because as we get older we realise that we really really are often surrounded by idiots. Especially it seems to be those above us in senior management that can't even begin to comprehend that what I do technically, and always is a whole lot more logical and rational than they can cope with.
x100 after a take over and x1000 after a reverse take over.
My solution when that happened 3-4 years ago was work out what my options were, how much theyd have to pay to make me redundant, keep a log of all the stupid or dangerous stuff they wanted us to do, and then be prepared to tell them to FRO if I was told to do or approve something unsafe.
Eventually I left and immediately joined an alternative sane company doing the same work (and the customers followed me).
I know at least 5 other ex colleagues who have set themselves up as independent consultants or contractors for the same reason.
Is worrying about stuff going to change it in any way to make you stop worrying about it? The answer is almost always no , so stop worrying.
Stop castrophising about situations, the reality is the bad stuff your brain tells you is going to happen rarely happens and if it does you always have the ability to deal with it.
Stop moaning to other people about person xzy. Go and speak with xyz directly and if possible have a quiet E2:C2 conversation.
Accept people are generally lazy and stupid and have different takes on life, this is why communist regimes will always fail. Let them get on with being belligerent in their own way as karma will catch up with them eventually.
Therapy. I went , Nearly walked out , listening to myself talk I sounded really ill. Trying to get through the chimp paradox and it helps to let you know why you get angered quickly , but are able to react to stop the rising level of stress and switch it around.
If idiot drivers are winding you up - watch the zen of motoring. You'll forever have a very chilled monologue in your head as you drive.
As above, most of it's outside your control. The interesting bit is the idea that our feelings themselves are also outside of our control. Maybe how we react to them is the thing. I'm trying to get my head around this, and to take a step back and observe how I feel more. I find that it helps: "I feel angry because this person is doing whatever". That momentary reflection is often helpful in defusing the feeling, or reminding me that what I do or say IS under my control. Distance and greater detachment from the feelings. Or something.
To be honest though, dropping a day at work was a very significant step towards becoming more relaxed and calm generally, although obviously it isn't going to be possible for everyone. I'm very fortunate.
I remembered that despite reading the book it took watching the 90min Mark Manson's The subtle Art of Not Giving **** for me to really get what I needed to do.
I'd forgotten to do it, but at the beginning of the year I spend a lot of time "less angry" as I mentally used the mantra "Meh, who gives a ****?"
Cut up in the car / on a bike - meh, who gives a ****.
People walk across you on the pavement - meh who gives a ****
Someone bumps into you on the tube - meh, who gives a ****
etc
Time to reinstate it!
