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... And they're about me.
WWSTWD here?
I and a colleague are pals. We didn't know each other before I started but now we're good mates. She's mates with my wife and we hang out all three of us and just the two of us. My relationship with my wife is rock solid and is old enough to start university, we're very happy.
At my work Christmas do on Friday after my pal had left, it was raised that people think we're close enough that it's suspicious. We don't carry on inappropriately at the office - a lot of days we don't even talk to each other.
My wife is worried about the impact this will have on me professionally. My manager has never said anything but at least one other manager has. My wife wants me to raise this.
Rather than go to my manager which she thinks will drag it out and make a bigger deal of it than it is, just to mention it briefly at our regular all staff meeting.
These happen every Monday morning, a video meeting that lasts about twenty minutes where all 25 staff say what they did at the weekend and what work they have on for the week ahead. We all hate it, it's a phenomenal waste of time but no one has yet dared to scrap it. My wife wants me to go, when it's my turn, "by the way, I've heard a few rumours about me and my pal - just to make it absolutely clear, there is no relationship and I would like all speculation to end", then move swiftly on.
I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to stand up in front of my entire workplace and say words to the effect of "I hear you lot think I'm shagging about, I never had sexual relations with that woman".
What do we reckon? You've got til 9.30 tomorrow morning to find me a solution.
I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to stand up in front of my entire workplace and say words to the effect of “I hear you lot think I’m shagging about, I never had sexual relations with that woman”.
I would, and I wouldn’t be terribly polite about my thoughts regarding a bunch of nosy, shit-stirring busy-bodies poking their noses in other peoples lives.
But then, I have a low tolerance for assholery.
Seems a bit of a nuclear option. People gossip and make stuff up about all sorts of shit. If there's nothing going on, it doesn't matter what other people think. You, your colleague and your wife know the truth, what others imagine without foundation is their problem not yours. I'd ignore and carry on as normal if it were me. Even if you did speak out, it wouldn't convince the hard core gossipers 'no smoke without fire' etc.
As above.
What does your pal think (presuming they attend the meeting too)?
Discuss with your manager. False allegations like that are bullying. Your manager needs to follow up with colleagues and they need to communicate in an appropriate way to anyone gossiping. Absolutely no need for public statements by anyone. Thats TV drama stuff.
Keep contact with your friend purely professional at work and in work time (if I was your line manager I would advise that).
Don't add more fuel to the non existent fire. As above if it's not true then carry on and something else will become gossip.
Absolutely no need for public statements by anyone.
This.. the weekly catchup meeting is not the place to air this. Speak to tour manager in the first instance and escalate as nessesary.
It's bullying at the end of the day, so follow the same proceedure you'd follow for any other sort of bullying.
I have mischief running through my veins.
Either tell them the three of you are now in a polyamorous relationship or, start acting like you are having a relationship, once it's out, people lose interest.
Or, frame it as bullying and raise it with HR
I go to work for the purpose of working. I have a really low tolerance for this sort of BS.
Tell them all you spent the weekend dick deep in a threesome and if they want to join in next weekend then drop your pal a message.
Sounds like school playground stuff. Say nowt, continue as you are. The rumour mill will soon find something else to talk about - don't lower yourself to that level.
Sounds like school playground stuff. Say nowt, continue as you are. The rumour mill will soon find something else to talk about – don’t lower yourself to that level.
Been there, done that. As above, let it pass on get on with your life.
You have to do it (or not) tomorrow?
I'd leave it until you know what feels right.
Shag her, problem solved. 🙂
More seriously, WGAF? If your missus is on board and trusts you, that would have been the only real risk element here. Beyond that let everyone else think what they like, they aren't your family and aren't your friends.
I had this once with a previous employer, my boss pulled me in for a discussion about fraternising with a co-worker. I told him that a) we were just friends, b) he was only jealous because he was sniffing after her himself despite being married, and c) to get ****ed if he thought he could dictate what I did outside of work hours, it was none of his business.
I agree with the majority - from personal experience I would also add "Don't wrestle with pigs in shit - the shit smells and the pigs love it!" Obvs the pigs are the gossips - I reckon if you stand up at the meeting and deny it will fuel the fire. If you leave it then they will eventually find something/someone else to talk about.
I reckon if you stand up at the meeting and deny it will fuel the fire. If you leave it then they will eventually find something/someone else to talk about.
Yeah, Don't do a Prince Andrew!!!!
Going nuclear will just alienate the neutral observers. If I was in that meeting and I wasn't aware of the rumours I'd be left wondering what on earth you were doing and why you thought a public meeting was worth derailing. (I loath round tables and so anyone who does anything to prolong the agony will be first against the wall in my opinion)
I agree with the people saying it's basically bullying and should be treated as such. As a manager I'd hope you'd come to me such that I could potentially have a quiet word with the offenders and / or begin due process.
Also do you know for sure that another manager has raised it or is that just heresey? What's that managers relevance to reporting lines? If neither you nor your colleague are in their line then they need to be reminded to mind their own business (see bullying).
Paint the word “gossipers” on a rock, leave it just in shot on your desk. Say nothing. They’ll see it and immediately never speak of it again.
Hmm Just ignore it, most of us on here have hung out with work mates* on a weekend and not had to report back on Monday morning meetings that we are not sleeping with them.
(*TBH Usually same sex but tbh it’s irrelevant nowadays as you can choose to sleep/or not with whomever you want 🙂 )
If it doesn't naturally go away then raise it with a manager, as said it’s bullying/inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.
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Or, frame it as bullying and raise it with HR
Only if you can point at somebody and say, "It's this person spreading gossip" otherwise, there's not a huge amount HR can do about it. Asking people to stop gossiping about your friendship in a meeting like that would almost certainly backfire. Speak to your manager, make it clear how unhappy about it you are, and ask them to deal with it on an individual basis as they hear or encounter it.
I think I'd actually be quite chuffed that people thought I was capable of finding two women who were willing to share a bed with me, my experiences so far lead me to believe most people are surprised I've found one ?
OP
Get your wife to call in at the office with a Xmas present for your friend .
Make them both a cup of Tea/coffee, then go to an other part of the office and chat about the gossip*
* while laughing loudly
Use the meeting to announce that you are gay.
And that you're planning to stand as a Reform candidate at the next election.
And that, after many years of firmly holding a misguided belief, you have now decided that putting the milk in first is the correct way to make tea.
Remember, weaponising fake news is not just for the rightwing anymore. It's for everyone!
I'm in the "discuss quietly with your manager and threaten a bullying charge" camp.
Many years ago, a boss had a £20 bet me and a female colleague would get it on at the Christmas party at a hotel. She convinced him it was on, borrowed his room key, by the time he'd got a spare key from reception he found us fully dressed in his trashed room having discussed why it wouldn't happen.
As above, weekly meeting ain't the place.
I had this once with a previous employer, my boss pulled me in for a discussion about fraternising with a co-worker. I told him that a) we were just friends, b) he was only jealous because he was sniffing after her himself despite being married
Your boss was Douglas Reynholm and I claim my fiver!
As a line manager myself, I’d say to raise it with your manager rather than in the weekly meeting.
Explain what you explained here.
There’s no affair (and she’s your wife’s friend too)
You’re concerned about the rumours
You’re not asking for any action at this point (unless there’s a good reason?) but will follow up if your concerns continue.
Unless you ask them not to, they will probably raise it during their manager meeting, eg as a staff morale issue, so other managers will know that the gossip is untrue and is causing problems for the team.
Great work STW - as is the way, I started a thread seeking validation for a point of view I already had. The nuclear option does sound absolutely mad to me.
A manager raised it with me on our work night out, and said words to the effect of "if I were your manager, I'd be asking questions of you". But then our wise beyond his years gay admin assistant pointed out that gay guys hang around with other gay guys all the time and no one bats an eyelid, it's only because we're the opposite sex that anyone is getting in a fret about it.
And naturally, the idea that I have been identified as the most desirable man at the office is batshit mental.
So, no announcement this morning. Apart from that I'll be standing as a Reform candidate at the next election.
I never had sexual relations with that woman
That line always works well to damp down gossip.
On the basis it's very hard to prove a negative I'd carry on as usual including being friendly with my mate. I don't see what you've got to gain by raising the issue. If asked just state "platonic friendship, same as with you and my other colleagues".
In a different culture a couple of mates used to lock an office door and shag noisily, no-one raised more than a smile. I was a little surprised when I met the male half decades later, still with his delightful wife.
Sounds like school playground stuff. Say nowt, continue as you are.
This. Honestly, because two adults are friends in the workplace does it mean they're shagging each other? Tell your colleagues to grow the fk up if you need to but zero need to explain your friendship.
Two possible scenarios here - First, You work with a bunch of repressed folk who never had female friends at school/uni and in general find ladies scary and only for one thing. So if you are talking to a lady it must mean you are 'at it'. Second, they are a bit more sophisticated and one or both of you are transmitting signals that it's more or would like it to be more, and others are picking up on it.
Had something sort of similar with a female friend. It was only after she'd declared that it could be more that pretty much everyone I knew said, "yep, we knew that was coming months ago". I had only appreciated what was afoot just before.
so, most workplaces have something in their contract about inter workplace relationships
regardless if it's in writing or not, a quiet word with your direct manager just so that there's no professional implications, bonuses, performance reviews etc etc that can be effected by the phantom issue, then let the office gossip and play up to it
A manager raised it with me on our work night out, and said words to the effect of “if I were your manager, I’d be asking questions of you”.
Too late now - the ideal response would have been “if I were your manager, I’d be asking why you haven’t managed to develop the quality of working relationships on your team that [my manager] has”.
i discovered after a colleague left, that someone I worked with had suggested that I was shagging her. I still can’t work out which is funnier - the idea that I’d sleep with someone who was quite so far along the Louise scale (although interestingly not a Louise) or that she would sleep with someone who was quite so out of her league aesthetically! She’s not even someone I considered to be a particularly close friend, but there are some blokes who seem unable to have friends of the opposite sex unless they are (trying to) have sex with them.
A manager raised it with me on our work night out, and said words to the effect of “if I were your manager, I’d be asking questions of you”.
What questions would they be?
I genuinely don't see what your personal life has to do with your employer. If a manager was "asking questions of me" in relation to what I was or wasn't doing with my penis they'd get told to mind their own business and I'd suggest that they made every effort to quell any malicious rumours. The only work-related issue I can see is that there's potential to have a fling and then fall out, but even then I've managed to work alongside coworkers I absolutely despised without causing a fuss.
Well Munrobiker is now in his meeting telling them how muddy the trails were this weekend, it reminds me what a good move quitting salaried work at the age of 36 was. I managed to run my own business for ten years with up to nine staff and never had a staff meeting. There wasn't a staff room either, just a kettle and instant coffee on a table in reception.
Difficult as it is, I would keep quiet and ignore the nasty gossips.
.
.
Or, go full circle and see what wild and outrageous gossip I could spread around the company. Back at my old village the gossip was out of control. My old work colleagues would often start a rumour to see how far it would go in the village. My finest hour was being asked at the school gate why I was issuing pink Crocs as staff uniform to the outdoor instructors...
there are some blokes who seem unable to have friends of the opposite sex unless they are (trying to) have sex with them.
This. And by extension, assume that everyone else is the same as them.
I've shared beds with several platonic female friends many times over the years and not once did I trip in the middle of the night and accidentally fall into their fanny.
Perhaps if they want to know what you got up to over the weekend you should direct them to your Only Fans site
The OP loses points for coming back on the thread...
the weekly catchup meeting is not the place to air this
It is if you aspire to legendary status. I'd dignify the rumours with no more than an enigmatic smile and single raised eyebrow, if I could raise an eyebrow independently.
Most people won't have given this any thought at all, or for no more than a minute or two. You've brightened our day a bit here with this tale, so maybe it is your duty to become talking point of the year at work? Losing a friend probably as collateral...
but actually my wife just tends to close her eyes
Show off - how does she watch the telly over your shoulder?
Teams meeting right?
custom backdrop in huge text, I'm not shaggin x ?
or be more subtle and set it to the playboy mansion or something
Either tell them the three of you are now in a polyamorous relationship or,
Been there done that, was absolutely hilarious.
Mainly as we were, at the time, in one...
What questions would they be?
I genuinely don’t see what your personal life has to do with your employer. If a manager was “asking questions of me” in relation to what I was or wasn’t doing with my penis they’d get told to mind their own business and I’d suggest that they made every effort to quell any malicious rumours. The only work-related issue I can see is that there’s potential to have a fling and then fall out, but even then I’ve managed to work alongside coworkers I absolutely despised without causing a fuss.
Many employers will have policies about workplace relationships, some for no good reason but at least some are to legitimately protect the employees, employer or service recipients. It shouldn’t be too hard to imagine situations where a relationship is exploitative, leaves an employee open to blackmail, could result in unjustified promotion, could remove the apparent independence of decision making, may bend or which might prevent complaints or concerns being properly identified / addressed, or security rules being overlooked. The OP will have a better idea if these are likely to apply to his workplace or not.
These happen every Monday morning, a video meeting that lasts about twenty minutes where all 25 staff say what they did at the weekend
I'd be looking for another job just because of this. Do you have a "what I did on my holiday" session after annual leave?
As for the gossips, they can do one. If all the relevant parties know there's nothing to see then it's no business of the people you're forced to work with.
I managed to run my own business for ten years with up to nine staff and never had a staff meeting. There wasn’t a staff room either, just a kettle and instant coffee on a table in reception.
That you managed to run a business for as long as 10 years whilst providing staff with nothing but instant coffee is a remarkable achievement. What was the staff bonus? Milk and sugar?
I’d be looking for another job just because of this. Do you have a “what I did on my holiday” session after annual leave?
Ok, so a little illumination on my current job.
Every monday at 0900 we have an hour "planning" meeting that consists of us going through the list of open tasks on our board. We have a 'short' 30 minute meeting on the other days of the week so that everyone knows what the other people did yesterday and are doing today. 1500 on Friday is an hour meeting to discuss what we did during the week and close of the tasks that we've done.
My boss also loves collaborative work, despite accepting that it is way less efficient than people doing work on their own. I'm leaving the company so, for the last two weeks have been forced to do my daily stuff in a group of four (aka the whole team but him) with the usual morning run taking three hours instead of the 30 it normally takes me on my own.
This is one of the reasons I'm leaving btw.
Just remembered that two of my colleagues went on holiday to Turkey in September. She's 10 years older than him and in a relationship. (She's mid 30s, he's mid 20s)
Not entirely sure how it came to be that they went together, but no one has suggested there is anything going on between them. My colleagues must be more mature than I thought!
2 of my co-workers were rumoured to be having an affair. He worked for her.
Transpires that they are. Came to light after she cleaned out all of the competition for a promotional opportunity in the team (lying about people's performance, or what they had/hadn't done - compiling dossiers against them...over the space of a year, 3 people were implicated). All of those people were moved out of the team (a spineless VP who let it all slide didn't help), and then promoted her dalliance into a newly created role.
Big Blue Chip too.
He then left his wife, moved in with her - and got made redundant within 12 months for being out of his depth.
All very odd.
Every monday at 0900 we have an hour “planning” meeting that consists of us going through the list of open tasks on our board. We have a ‘short’ 30 minute meeting on the other days of the week so that everyone knows what the other people did yesterday and are doing today. 1500 on Friday is an hour meeting to discuss what we did during the week and close of the tasks that we’ve done.
What they need there is trust and email.
This is one of the reasons I’m leaving btw.
Can't say as I blame you.
I'd be respecting my wife's wishes on this matter.
Agree with the opinion of 'go to your line manager and then HR'
Not least, the other person being gossiped about may be the object of the vindictive behaviour not you and this could make it worse not better. Do not escalate in public as this is what the gossips want.
Agree with the opinion of ‘go to your line manager and then HR’
Not least, the other person being gossiped about may be the object of the vindictive behaviour not you and this could make it worse not better. Do not escalate in public as this is what the gossips want.
+1
This sounds like one of those situations where in retrospect people would ask "well why did the man involved in the situation not speak up"?
I’ve shared beds with several platonic female friends many times over the years and not once did I trip in the middle of the night and accidentally fall into their fanny.
You know, if Prince Andrew had used this line of defence, things might actually have gone a bit better for him.
🙂
My boss also loves collaborative work, despite accepting that it is way less efficient than people doing work on their own.
I love collaborative work. I also love team members who get a good view of the problem they are working on from interaction with other team members, and who help team mates to do their best work by contributing knowledge and experience. Sometimes it takes longer. Always the result is better.
You know, if Prince Andrew had used this line of defence, things might actually have gone a bit better for him.
You mean the "I tripped and accidentally rogered a child" defence ?
I agree with the person above who says that the most important opinion in all of this, is that of your wife.
I previously worked for a large corporate. 2 senior directors were sacked because they failed to disclose their relationship as they worked together and he was effectively signing off her work. If they’d been upfront a simple organisational shuffle would have removed the conflict of interest. Ironically, they were HR directors so there was no excuses.
I’d be respecting my wife’s wishes on this matter.
I agree with the person above who says that the most important opinion in all of this, is that of your wife.
I'm not even sure I'd have told my wife, although if I did she'd likely laugh and say something supportive like "do they really think she'd put up with you" or "she's welcome to have you" or "she does have a general air of disappointment about her". If the OP thought his wife's reaction was 100% the best course of conduct then I suspect he'd not have started the thread. I can't see what benefit this could possibly bring, even if it might be "career limiting" doing nothing, its not like "making a public fuss" is often "career enhancing".
Most of the time I'd like to think the rules make sense and will avoid the "well they only got a promotion because they're shagging X" or similar gossip. Rule 1 should apply but so often it is an aspiration.... Big organizations should have a whole decision tree to deal with all the permutations on this given romance at work is very much a thing.
In this case assuming there's no line management conflict between the individuals then I'm still of the opinion that it's the other line manager (who if I'm keeping track made the comments) that needs to be put back in their place via either the OP's manager having a word and/or HR...
but actually my wife just tends to close her eyes
Show off – how does she watch the telly over your shoulder?
More likely updating her TicToc…
…Fnar.
Most places I’ve worked over the years have had a number of members of staff in relationships with other employees, including me!
We were together for three years, she went to Basingstoke to train as a nurse, back around ’82. Sadly it didn’t last due to distance and infrequently being able to get together. We are, however, still very close friends.
And naturally, the idea that I have been identified as the most desirable man at the office is batshit mental.
#humblebrag 😉
I work in a ~90% female workplace and there are endless rumours flying around about who's doing what with whom. I'm completely oblivious to it.
I recently heard one woman (sitting behind me) had an affair with her subordinate (next desk along) who then left and moved in with the woman over the divider. All three were previously in relationships and only one of whom was with another woman. I missed the whole thing and don't really care about it anyway. If there were rumours about me I'd equally disinterested.
About 15 years ago there were rumours abound that i shagging my female boss. At the time it wasn't true, however I did end up nailing her after a work night out a few month's later..
Makes you think...
I wouldn't be taking advice from this lot, Pukey. We all know what happened to Houns and his gym girl...
Scorch those rumours by appearing on teams in that classic sartorial garment, the twosie
Few quid to be made here, if you can get yourself set up with an OnlyFans page before 9:30, let them know that they can subscribe to see all the details.
Charge them all £100 each to see a picture of you with the caption "I AM NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR"
nailing her
That how you really refer to it, or are you just trying to impress da ladz?